Like most oppressors, I harbored the notion that entrance into the cult of Victimhood was as simple as having the proper immutable characteristic. "Melanin rules!", I assumed, without overlooking gender, sexual orientation and non-racial ethnicity. This assessment isn't what Regis would call "the final answer". Biology alone doesn't guarantee your acceptance by the properly-hyphenated. It only designates your assigned group. To become a member in good standing of your assigned group, you must worship at the altar of your oppression. The mantra used by each proud new inductee is: "I am a victim. I am oppressed because I'm (insert group identity here)." Obviously, the key to admission into the properly-hyphenated legion is embracing your oppression.

Oppression is the foundation of a victim's new identity. It's the key element used to focus a victim's hypersitivity, but immutable traits still play an important, supporting, role. All flavors of the properly-hyphenated share the common foundation of victimhood...the conviction that they are subjected to unrelenting oppression. However, a NO-NAD will have a much different set of sensitivities than a dude from the taco clan or lotus clan. Only a NO-NAD will be able to identify the dreaded "male look", for instance. For a taco or lotus clan dude, the male look wouldn't register on their oppression radar. This would seem to indicate the presence of fault lines along the boundaries of each victim group. Appearances, in this instance, are deceiving. Solidarity between the proper-hyphenation tribes is achieved by the notion that any act of oppression, no matter which clan is the specified target, is an act of oppression against all self-defined victims, regardless of the targeted victim's group affiliation. This means a taco or lotus clan dude could share a NO-NAD sister's outrage over the male look, despite the fact that it has no direct oppressive impact on them.

Another factor that binds the flavors of victimhood together is the relationship between oppressed and oppressor. This fact confuses unenlightened oppressors who assume, erroneously, that removing all oppression is the self-defined victim's ultimate goal. Nothing could be further from the truth. The victim's self image is constructed on the bedrock of their oppression, meaning that the continuing presence of an oppressor is essential. Without regular infusions of oppression, the victim's very identity is threatened. Like a parasite that requires a viable host, the victim's existence requires an oppressor...an active oppressor.

I know what you're thinking and it doesn't work. You can't escape your oppressor fate; they set the bar much too high for that. The first line of defense, when oppressors stop being overtly oppressive, is to trick you into an overt oppressor reaction. One of the most successful victim-deployed tripwires comes from the NO-NAD's. It's as simple as trot out some hottie and wait for men to act like men. Another successful tripwire is the Martin Luther King holiday/Black History Month double whammy. Fail to show what the melanin-enriched consider the proper respect for these twin tripwires and voila, you're oppressing them. A very successful tripwire, one that invariably produces a tidal wave of oppression, is the Gay Pride Celebration. The harder oppressors try to ignore the pink triangle crowd's freak-show antics, the more outrageous the behavior gets during these butt monkey, show and yell frolics.

The ultimate in oppression security involves the twin pillars of perceived oppression: institutional and unconscious oppression. Institutional oppression can be as simple as demographics. Should a given societal element have fewer members from one or more victim groups than their percentage of the total population, institutional racism. Should, on merit alone, a properly-hyphenated peabrain be passed over - the Academy Awards has been cited, numerous times - institutional racism. Should someone in a position of authority fail to appease the properly-hyphenated to the degree they desire...institutional racism. Since the rules are subjective, and dictated by notoriously fickle victim sensitivities, institutional oppression is nearly impossible to beat.

Unconscious oppression, a concept I like to call the 'holy grail' of oppression, is the most powerful weapon in the properly-hyphenated arsenal. This stems from the fact that unconscious racism is whatever the victim says it is. Any gesture, expression, utterance, or (perceived) thought can qualify, and there's nothing the designated oppressor can do to escape it. The notion at work here is that an oppressor, instinctively, outs himself, through some seemingly-innocuous reaction or non-reaction. Unconscious oppression allows a properly-hyphenated pest to interpret virtually anything as 'racist', 'sexist', or 'homophobic'. "He didn't say anything objectionable, and his attitude seemed respectful, but I sensed the racism (substitute sexism or homophobia here, as needed) in his body language." Since objective standards or measurements are impossible, this kind of oppression is irrefutable. It exists wherever a victim perceives it. Eat your heart out, Catch-22!

If it sounds like there's no way for the unhyphenated to avoid the 'oppressor' label, you're right. The question to be asked isn't: 'How do I escape the oppressor label? The real question is: 'Should I try to escape the inevitable?' By embracing the victim identity, the properly-hyphenated make themselves miserable, without your help. That leaves an oppressor free to ignore them or attempt to 'enlighten' them, depending on your whim of the moment. If you really want some fun, be creative: pioneer a bizarre expression, strange laugh, or incomprehensible gesture in private, then trot it out when the opportunity presents itself. One notion that I am seriously considering is what I call 'the all-purpose grunt'. The idea would be to deploy it, obsessively, giving myself plausible deniability, when I need to use it 'with bad intent'. If a properly-hyphenated whiner interprets my all-purpose grunt as oppressive, I'm bulletproof and they're a happy camper because, in their mind, I have oppressed them.

Being a designated oppressor isn't a fate worse than death, so you might as well enjoy the game. On your mark! Get set! Oppress!

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