DRESS CODE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers and carrying a $600 Gucci Bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress somewhere in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.

LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast.

THANK YOU!
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation, and input should be directed elsewhere.

PIG seeks excellence in all areas of our venture. When the time comes when PIG does seek qualified talent, one's ethnicity, race, orientation, gender, victim status, eye color, shoe size or background will be of no concern, and will not guarantee a spot on our staff.

PIG is not bound by any strain of politically correct, government enforced hiring quotas, affirmative action, tokenism, or any other form of legalized discrimination, i.e., Leftist racial profiling.

PIG will never lower our standards to soothe any self-proclaimed, government protected, properly-hyphenated, "oppressed" groups.

PIG's opinion is that when you take the "E" out of Equality, that which remains is Quality. And that is why it is our policy to hire and associate with candidates who are best qualified based on merit and character, (except for Irish) without allowing the nonessential factors to influence our decision. We are a Pro-Choice publication in the sense that PIG celebrates our constitutional right to freedom of association. That said, we make absolutely no apologies for the fact that yes indeed folks... we are discriminate, we do discriminate, because we can discriminate.