Rosie O’Donnell On Terrorists
"You can walk through life believing in the goodness of the world, or walk through life afraid of anyone who thinks different than you and trying to convert them to your way of thinking. And I think that this country ... ."

View Co-Hostess Elizabeth Hasselbeck interjected: "Well, I'm a person of faith, so I, but I also believe ... ."

"Well then, get away from the fear," interrupted O'Donnell. "Don't fear the terrorists. They're mothers and fathers."

[PIG: Fat, loud, obnoxious and stupid is a deadly combination]

The Vatican on Mecca Maniacs obeying local laws
" [Countries] must require that guests who arrive from a different culture must respect the traditions, the symbols, the culture, the religion of the countries they go to. This seems to me to be elementary. It is quite right that (local) authorities insist on [ditching their burkas and veils]...Dialogue is needed with our brothers to make them understand the consequences of some of their desires, such as their own cultural and religious traditions, would not be positive in the society they are now in." (Renato Martion, the Italian prelate who leads the Vatican’s office dealing with issues about immigrants and refugees)

Names in the News
Source: PIG News Wire [11/17/06]

Joe Lieberman
PIG is smelling some relentlessly amusing fireworks when the Donkey Clan takes charge on Capitol Hill. As fun as the House will become under Nancy Pelosi, the Senate might be twice as fun. That’s due, entirely, to the fact that the Donkey Clan’s hold on majority status is a tenuous one seat.

The reason for this forthcoming fun is Joe Lieberman. His status as a Donkey Clan hack is, at best, provisional. When he was first elected, he called himself a Democrat. Within days, he modified that to Independent Democrat. As fun as that sounds, it gets better, because during a recent interview on NBC’s ‘Meet The Press’, he steadfastly refused to rule out moving across the aisle to vote with the Elephant Clan.

"I'm not ruling it out but I hope I don't get to that point. And I must say -- and with all respect to the Republicans who supported me in Connecticut -- nobody ever said, 'We're doing this because we want you to switch over. We want you to do what you think is right and good for our state and country,' and I appreciate that." (Joe Lieberman on Meet the Press)

For those who can’t count, an Elephant Clan Joe Lieberman would make the Senate 50-50 tie between the Elephant Clan and Donkey Clan. In that case, all tie votes are settled by Vice President Dick Cheney. Who said politics can’t be big time fun?

Mikey Jackson
The noseless child molester’s musical comeback hit a major speedbump in London this week, when he barely managed to squeak out the chorus of "We Are The World" before the sound, mercifully, cut out. Proving how deranged Brit fans are, they didn’t notice, or care, and loudly cheered the pervert’s every move.

The evening started nicely enough when this pervert got the Diamond Award for selling more than 100 million records. But, after his pathetic attempt at singing fell flat, Reuters laid this bitch-slapping on Mikey: ‘The failure by the deposed King of Pop to demonstrate his voice and confidence were back to anywhere near their best was likely to raise further doubts about his ability to resurrect a career that has been on hold for years’.

Is Mikey stick a fork in the bastard done? Probably not, if he can still have fans in a frenzy just for showing up. Life is really sucky that way.

John Edwards
Senator John "I deserve to be president" Edwards stepped in it this week, and his efforts to extricate himself are very damn amusing. An unrepentant shyster, Johnny boy, routinely, beats up those evil capitalists at Wal-Mart to please the Marxist Donkey Clan rabble. Wal Mart is evil, greedy and the enemy of working Americans, he opines. In other words, Wal-Mart is evil because hating them is politically expedient. That’s all well and good, but Johnny has a slightly different view when it comes to his own shopping preferences. For these tender hypocritical tidbits, I’ll let the Opinion Journal do the heavy lifting:

[A] Wal-Mart press release accuses Edwards of hypocrisy:

Just like the millions of Americans who turn to their neighborhood Wal-Mart for their holiday shopping needs, Wal-Mart announced today that former Sen. John Edwards is seeking to be one of the first to get a Sony PlayStation3, one of the most coveted holiday gift items this Christmas season.

Yesterday, a staff person for former Sen. Edwards contacted a Wal-Mart electronics manager in Raleigh, North Carolina to obtain a Sony PlayStation3 on behalf of the Senator's family. Later that night, Sen. Edwards reportedly re-told a homespun story to participants of a United Food and Commercial Workers (UFCW) union-sponsored call about how his son had chided a fellow student for purchasing shoes at Wal-Mart.

Wal-Mart welcomes Sen. Edwards to visit his local Wal-Mart store and explore the extensive line of home electronics as well as the Metro7 line shoes for men and boys.

The Company noted the PlayStation3 is an extremely popular item this Christmas season, and while the rest of America's working families are waiting patiently in line, Senator Edwards wants to cut to the front. While, we cannot guarantee that Sen. Edwards will be among one of the first to obtain a PlayStation3, we are certain Sen. Edwards will be able to find great gifts for everyone on his Christmas list--many at Wal-Mart's "roll-back prices."

Say what you want about Wal-Mart, but you’ve gotta love the way they bitch-slapped Johnny boy in front of the whole damn world. Did Johnny boy own up to his antics and take personal responsibility for his hypocrisy? You can’t be that simple, Sparky. He deftly pins the blame on one of his minions:

"My wife, Elizabeth, wanted to get a Playstation3 for my young children. She mentioned it in front of one of my staff people. That staff person mentioned it in front of a volunteer who said he would make an effort to get one. He was making an effort to go get one for himself. Elizabeth and I knew nothing about this. He feels terrible about this. He made a mistake, and he knows he should not have used my name."

What a reeking load of bull crap, and what Johnny said stinks to high heaven too. Grow a pair Johnny boy and be man enough to admit that you got busted for being a hypocrite.

Fark Teaser of the Week
Source: Fark Internet Site [11/17/06]

Not News: Guy paints nude people. News: The nudes are religious icons. Fark: The artist is Muslim and he pains Hindu gods. Double Fark: The Hindus have put out a hit on him. (Now I’ve got a headache…)

Quote of the Week
Source: PIG News Wire [11/10/06]

Hamas’ "Olive Branch" to America
"America is offering political, financial and logistic cover for the Zionist occupation crimes, and it is responsible for the Beit Hanoun massacre. Therefore, the people and the nation all over the globe are required to teach the American enemy tough lessons."

Strange But True - Week Ending November 11
Source: PIG News Wire [11/08/06]

Doctor Demon Detector
A Brit medical professional turned a routine visit to her office into an adventure in supernaturalism when she told her patient about "something sinister" that was moving around inside the patient’s innards. Dr. Joyce Pratt offered to use her special powers to heal the woman, but she suggested that the patient visit a Cross Cult padre, just to be safe. As fun as that sounds, it gets better because Dr. Pratt informed the patient that the patient’s mother was a witch, then warned that the patient's mother and husband were summoning "dark forces" to kill the patient.

Is it just me, or does Dr. Pratt sound just a tad...eccentric? Nah, it can’t be me, because the Brit General Medical Council has its Fitness to Practice cabal "looking into the matter". PIG suggests that Dr. Pratt take two aspirins, lie down, then hook herself to the power grid and throw the switch. She should lie there twitching, until the voices stop yammering at her.

"Jackass" Junkie Burns His Butt
I feel safe in guessing that the Brit hero of this epic left his brain in his other pants, when he perpetrated this amazingly stupid feat. You gotta know that your life is thisclose to going to crap if the inspiration for the "defining" moment of your 22 year old life is a movie named "Jackass". Inspired - to say the least - this alleged human boldly went where even the stars of Jackass might think twice about going. With all of his higher mental functions inoperable, this clown shoved a firework rocket up his butt and set the damn thing off. The ensuing pain was, to say the lest, thrilling. Ok, maybe "thrilling isn’t the right word, but even a word flogger like me runs out of terms when trying to describe a stunt that left its perpetrator with a "scorched colon" and assorted other unnamed "internal injuries".

Court Rules Burrito Is Not a Sandwich
Why, you must be wondering, is a court ruling on this burning "is a burrito a sandwich" issue? Wonder no more, because it’s as simple as a binding clause in a lease. When the Panera Bread Company opened one of its bakery and café outlets in the White City Shopping Center in Shrewsbury (Mass.), it put a clause in its lease that prevented the mall from renting space to another sandwich shop. The mall agreed and life was spiffy until the White City suits rented space to Qdoba Mexican Grill. Since the new eatery sells burritos, tacos and assorted other goodies wrapped in a tortilla, Panera Bread Company cried foul.

When the White City officials didn’t black flag the Qdoba Mexican Grill, Panera Bread Company took the matter to court, basing their complaint on their contention that a burrito is a sandwich, since it is a food product that has bread (the tortilla) and a filling. The court didn’t see things that way:

‘...Superior Court Judge Jeffrey Locke cited Webster's Dictionary as well as testimony from a chef and a former high-ranking federal agriculture official in ruling that Qdoba's burritos and other offerings are not sandwiches. The difference, the judge ruled, comes down to two slices of bread versus one tortilla. "A sandwich is not commonly understood to include burritos, tacos and quesadillas, which are typically made with a single tortilla and stuffed with a choice filling of meat, rice, and beans," Locke wrote in a decision released last week...’ (AP)

Penera Bread Company needs to stop whining and resolve this matter the old fashioned way: in the marketplace. Competition brings out the best in all the competing capitalist firms. If Panera Bread Company can’t stand the heat of competition, then they need to get the hell out of the kitchen.

Strange But True
Source: PIG News Wire [11/03/06]

False Advertising?
Some Aussie capitalists with way too much time on their hands are boldly sailing into uncharted male attire waters. The name of this firm is - we swear it’s true - AussieBum and their new product is called the "Wonderjock". That’s right, these Aussies are set to do for the male nads what the ‘Wonderbra’ did for a babe’s sweater puppies. For all those stop the presses details, we’ll let Reuters do the heavy lifting:

"The design of the underwear, separates and lifts. The fabric cup protrudes everything out in front instead of down towards the ground," said "Wonderjock" designer Sean Ashby. "There is no padding, rings or strings," said Ashby, a co-founder of the Internet-based AussieBum firm.

The big question obvious: is the damn thing selling? Oh, hell yes. In the first 7 days on the market, 50,000 of the damn things were sold. It’s spiffy to look bigger when you’ve got it on, but what happens when you shed the damn thing and she sees what you’re packing?

The Banned Letter Caper
Osman Baydemir is the mayor of the largest city in Turkey’s Kurdish dominated southeast, but he might be trading his mayor’s office for a cell thanks to a weird Turkish law. Osman strayed into the Turkish justice system bull’s-eye when he sent a New Year’s greeting card to Prime Minister Recep Tayyip Erdogan, plus assorted other Turkish cabinet ministers and members of parliament last year. How, you ask, did Osman’s card land him in trouble? He used Kurdish expression for "Happy New Year", a phrase that contains the letter "W". "W", "X" and "Q" don’t exist in the Turkish alphabet and are, therefore banned by a law that mandates state agencies, civic groups and private institutions must use Turkish letters. The Turkish authorities are deadly serious about nailing Osman and have his trial scheduled to start on February 6, 2007.

Squirrel Jihad Continues
Source: AP [11/01/06]

The on-going squirrel jihad claimed another victim this week, when a bipolar member of genus Sciurus launched an unprovoked assault on mail carrier Barb Dougherty in Oil City (Pennsylvania). She spotted the critter sitting on the porch of a house and didn’t give it a second thought when she deposited the mail in the mailbox. Nothing happen until she turned her back on the critter. That’s when it went bonkers, ran up her leg and onto Barb’s back. Barb was forced to defend herself when the critter started biting her:

‘..."I eventually got a hold of the tail and pulled it off me," Dougherty said. "No one was home at the house where I was delivering the mail, but the neighbor lady heard me screaming and came over." An ambulance took Dougherty to the hospital, where she was treated for cuts and scratches...’ (AP)

Someone dispatched the Jihadikaze critter with a BB gun, then collected the mortal remains so it could be tested for rabies.

This just in! The squirrel jihad continues to claim unsuspecting victims. Be afraid, PIGsters, be very afraid because the damn things are everywhere.

---

Fark Teasers of the Week
Source: Fark Internet Site

One in five children in Britain can't find U.K. on a map. Follow-up survey involving "ass" and "both hands" planned.

As Australia continues to be beaten by drought, farmers forced to kill off "less profitable" sheep, export the pretty ones to New Zealand

Quote of the Week
Source: Capitalism Magazine [10/27/06]

Thomas Sowell on Free Speech In America
Many campuses have speech codes where it is called creating a "hostile environment" if you say things that make various racial, sexual, or other protected groups unhappy.

Young people educated at our most prestigious colleges and universities are learning the lesson that storm trooper tactics can silence those who are not in vogue on campus, and honest expressions of opinion about issues involving anything from affirmative action to women in the military can get you suspended if you refuse the humiliation and hypocrisy of being "re-educated."

Free speech rights exist for the whole society, not for writers and speakers. When you say that we can hear only what a growing number of censors want us to hear, you are condemning us to grope in the dark when making all sorts of decisions -- about ourselves, our families and the future of our society.

Islamikazes Silence Free Speech
Source: PIG’s Brit Correspondent Andrew [10/20/06]

PIG’s Brit correspondent, Andrew, submitted a top contender for Girlieman of the Week. Unhappily, it arrived too late to make this week’s awards day cut. Despite that, we want to confer "Dishonorable Girlieman of the Week Mention" status on a Brit newspaper publisher named Richard Desmond. The fun started when one of Richard’s fishwrap, the ‘Daily Star’, hatched a heroically inkorrect idea that would have, if they’d gone through with it, put them in the hunt for a Hambo’s Choice award for world class inkorrectness.

The idea was one worthy of PIG and, truth be told, we’re bummed that we didn’t think of it. Someone who belongs on the PIG staff came up with "Daily Fatwa", a satirical version of the paper’s front page that included such gems as: ‘a Page 3 Burkha Babes Special and competitions to "Burn a Flag and Win a Corsa" and "Win hooks just like Hamza's"‘. This mock front page would appear on page 6 of the Daily Star and would include ‘a spoof leader column under the headline "Allah is Great" but left blank save for a stamp with the word "Censored"‘. It was locked and loaded for big time fun, then ‘it’ happened.

‘It’, in this instance was not an Islamikaze outburst. It was a "staff revolt" perpetrated by members of a cabal called the "National Union of Journalists". The staff was terrified that the mild mannered Islamakaze pinheads would pose "a very serious risk of violent and dangerous reprisals from religious fanatics who may take offence at these articles". One gutless wonder whined: "We were worried that the building might be attacked and we thought there would be people outside burning copies of the Daily Star." This and other alarmist drivel helped the cringing NUJ whiners persuade Richard and his minions to pull the "Daily Fatwa" page. Once again, humor/free speech is censored because Islamikazes are violence prone rat bastards with a short fuse and no sense of humor. This just in! Rampaging Islamikazes killed free speech in the U.K.

Quotes of the Week
Source: PIG News Wire [12/12/06]

The War On Reason
"We are engaged in a vast battle to defend scientific, industrial civilization against irrationalism. Whether the enemy bombs the World Trade Center, abortion clinics, logging equipment, or medical research labs, the target is the same: reason--the use of reason to produce material values.

Hostility to global trade, to nuclear power, to DDT, to "urban sprawl," to Wal-Mart--it all comes from the same root and has the same meaning: antagonism towards man's life as a rational animal. Reason is man's basic means of survival. The life- giving power of reason is sensed by those who rail against the technological-industrial achievements of the West and particularly of America. Whether environmentalist or Islamist, they cannot abide the success of America. It stands as an unbearable reproach. It's America or their own irrational way of functioning, which they would rather blow themselves up than challenge and change." (Harry Binswanger commentary in Capitalism Magazine)

More Bovine Excrement from Ted Turner
"I just really wonder during the, during the last war [when W invaded Iraq], you know, what business did it have in the news sets to have the American flag flying in the background. Uh, I mean, it was like the news media covered the Iraq war, at least at the beginning of it, almost as like it was a football game with us versus them." (Michelle Malkin’s blog)

Love Is In The Air
Source: PIG’s International News Wire [10/07/06]

Cupid’s arrow hit its mark after fate seated 33 year old Michael Young next to 29 year old Juliet Lever on a flight from Belfast to Newcastle. The conversation was - we’re told - mutually enjoyable but Michael was just a tad too shy for his own good when it came to their inevitable parting. Since he didn’t have Juliet’s contact information, Michael took his story of love in the air to the airlines. We’re pleased to report that the suits at Flybe agreed to pass along a letter from Michael to his Juliet.

After the letter languished for two weeks at Juliet’s parents’ house, she got Michael’s letter and the rest, as they say is sweet history:

"We chatted for the duration of the flight but we never got round to asking if the other was single. That's probably the reason I didn't pluck up courage to ask Juliet for her number." (Michael’s sorry excuse)

"It was a real bolt out of the blue. Every girl dreams of a fairytale romance and you couldn't get better than this." (Juliet’s response to Michael’s letter)

After what the Manchester Evening News calls "a whirlwind romance", Michael and his Juliet are ready to unite in wedded bliss next month. PIG sends its best wishes to the happy couple. We also have a word of advice for our pal Michael: "You’ve already won her heart dude, so don’t wait for some padre’s permission. Go ahead and kiss your future bride now."

Fark Teaser of the Week
Source: Fark Internet Site

Netflix offers $1M reward for ideas to beat Blockbuster. Submitter suggests "Rent porn" and waits for check

Advanced Alimony Avoidance Concepts
Source: PIG News Wire [10/04/06]

If you think you’ve heard every possible excuse for getting out of those alimony payments, get ready for a reality check. A tad over 18 months ago, a Florida dude named Lawrence Roach shed his bride of 17 years. Her departure came at a price - $1,200 a month in alimony, in addition to the usual property settlement. The fact that Lawrence wants out of those alimony payments isn’t newsworthy, until you add one tasty tidbit.

Lawrence thinks he should be excused from future alimony payments because his ex isn’t the woman she was when he married her. In fact, she isn’t, strictly speaking, a woman anymore. His ex has undergone a sex change operation and became - drum roll - a man. Lawrence claims it’s humiliating to be paying alimony to another man. No doubt, but we’re forced to ask the essential question: what happened during your marriage...what exactly did you do that made this sex change scam a viable option for your ex-wife?

The Smiley Face Caper
Source: AP [10/04/06]

Christine Smith found out the hard way that the killjoys running the Frederick Youth Sports Association (Frederick, Maryland) have no sense of humor whatsoever. She reached this intellectual epiphany while she was serving as an assistant coach for some 7 and 8 year old wenchlet cheerleaders at a youth football game. Determined to help her young ladies keep their spirits high, Christine painted a smiley face on her belly. Whenever she sensed that her girls needed a spiritual lift, she raised her shirt just enough to expose about 3 or 4 inches of her belly where her secret smiley face was painted.

Christine thought it was a way to inject fun in the proceedings, but certain killjoys disagreed:

‘...Association president Kathy Carey said three people complained about the incident and she agreed with them. "Pulling your shirt up is inappropriate and it's not what our organization is about. The community can understand we need to protect the kids and the integrity of the organization."...’ (AP)

For spreading her special brand of "no harm, no foul" joy, Christine and another volunteer cheerleader coach were banished.

Alarming Cell Phone News
Source: The Sun (U.K.) [10/01/06]

The technological terrorists who inflicted the cell phone on an unsuspecting world have - believe it or not - found a new way to make this technological pestilence much more annoying. Insisting that it’s a security system, these cellidiocy-perpetrating clowns found a spiffy way to make these cell phone blights make a sanity shattering sound:

‘...Security experts have devised a system which triggers a high-pitched screech on a mobile phone if it is stolen. The service is also designed to prevent thieves from using stolen phones and accessing the data contained on them. Under the new system, Remote XT, a signal is sent to the mobile once it is reported lost or stolen, causing it to emit an alarm similar to a scream...’ (Sun)

Once trigger, this alarm sends a "this phone is stolen" message, then disables the phone by removing ‘contact numbers, text, images, and e-mails’ (Sun). In theory, this makes stealing a cell blight less appealing, but this security doesn’t come cheap: £10 a month.

You’ll need to excuse me for a few minutes while I brainstorm a way to trigger this security goodie while I’m eating in my favorite restaurant. Instead of that cellidiot bellowing, I’d treat every phone in the place to a sanity shredding noise after which their cell blight would go belly up. Where do I sign up?

---

Politically Incorrect Capitalist Fun
Source: PIG’s Golden Oinks 2006 [09/29/06]

A Buckeye State car dealership, Dennis Mitsubishi, thrilled the towels off those pointy Islamikaze heads with a boom box ad campaign that leaves PIG green with envy. It sounds like something we should perpetrate here on our cyberspace speedbump. We're pleased to report that rampaging inkorrectness is alive and well in Ohio.

Dennis Mitsubishi starts by announcing that they're "launching a jihad on the automotive market'' . To put buyers in the proper automotive jihad spirit, the ad goes on to declare that their sales force will be dressed in burkas. Just getting started, the ad includes this award winning prose:

"Our prices are lower than the evildoers' every day. Just ask the pope!''
"Friday is fatwa Friday, with free rubber swords for the kiddies.''
'...[they're featuring rides that can] "comfortably seat 12 jihadists in the back.''

You don't need to consult Sherlock Holmes to deduce that the bovine excrement hit the proverbial cooling device with a resounding "splat" when reports of the ad hit the news cycle. By the time the News Nitwit tide crested, the Ohio infestation of CAIR was far from amused, demonstrating, again, that the being Mecca Maniac in good standing involves undergoing a humor-ectomy. Thanks to CAIR's relentless whining - past and present - not to mention the propensity that Islamikazes have for violent rampages, numerous gutless radio stations refused to book the ads.

Eventually, CAIR browbeat Dennis Mitsubishi into submission. Despite the fact that some courageous radio outlets were locked and loaded to run the ads, Dennis decided to pull the campaign. I don't blame them. Why spend money on an ad campaign when you just bagged that pot of advertising gold thanks to all the free publicity that the eager News Nitwits handed to Dennis on a silver platter. Thanks to CAIR's caterwauling, Dennis Mitsubishi is a car wrangling legend. PIG salutes Dennis Mitsubishi for its legendary Political Incorrectness. We look forward, with eager anticipation, to their next boom box ad campaign.

Ted Explains Everything
Source: PIG News Wire [09/28/06]

Guilt-ridden millionaire, Ted Turner, thinks that being rich gives him all the answers. Let’s take a quick look a some of Ted’s synaptic malfunctions:

"Men should be barred from public office for 100 years in every part of the world . . . It would be a much kinder, gentler, more intelligently run world.”

“One way to reduce such dangers [nuclear proliferation] in the world would be to leave women in charge. The men have had millions of years where we've been running things. We've screwed it up hopelessly. Let's give it to the women.”

Ted thinks that Cuba is a spiffy place, so spiffy that we need to cut them some slack and stop picking on them. He also thinks that we’re being much too hard on those notoriously peace loving Iranians. "We have 28,000 [nukes]. Why can’t they have 10?" Take the pill, Ted, and those voices will stop yammering at you.

Quotes of the Week
Source: PIG News Wire [09/29/06]

Former Aussie Labor Leader Mark Latham on Aussie Males
"Australian mates and good blokes have been replaced by nervous wrecks, metrosexual knobs and tossbags."

"...neo-conservatism and its timid approach to social behaviour and language. [The Debate is] dominated by weasel words and the pretense of politeness". (Guardian)

Tabor R. Machan on Democracy
"Simple, unqualified democracy is not a just system of politics. It is no accident that, from Socrates to the American founders, many wise and prudent political thinkers have had doubts about democracy, per se. For what is so wonderful, or just, about a system that simply places the majority in a position of superiority, with the minority subordinate to it? If that majority is wrong, who cares that they’re more numerous?

In fact, the only kind of democracy that deserves support is the classical liberal variety, one strictly limited by the individual rights of the citizenry to their lives, liberty, property, religious worship, etc. Any democracy not limited by individual rights is no better than a dictatorship or a tyranny by one individual or a small group..."

W on the National Intelligence Assessment
"Some people have, you know, guessed what's in the report and have concluded that going into Iraq was a mistake. I strongly disagree. I think it's naive. I think it's a mistake for people to believe that going on the offense against people that want to do harm to the American people makes us less safe"

"If we weren't in Iraq, they'd find some other excuse because they have ambitions. They kill to achieve their objectives. The best way to protect America is to defeat these killers overseas so we don't have to face them at home." (Fox News)

Afghani President Hamid Karzai on Terrorism
"Terrorism was hurting us way before Iraq or September 11 ... These extremist forces were killing people in Afghanistan for years, closing schools, burning mosques, killing children, uprooting vineyards. They came to America on September 11, but they were attacking you before September 11 in other parts of the world. We are a witness in Afghanistan. Do you forget people jumping off the 80th floor or 70th floor when the planes hit them? Can you imagine what it will be for a man or woman to jump from that high?"

Quotes of the Week
Source: PIG News Wire [09/22/06]

Michael J. Hurd on Mecca Mania
"[Mecca Maniacs] understand that to advocate faith, wholeheartedly, is to enslave or kill those who don’t agree. Religion, in its undiluted and untamed form, leaves no room for disbelievers."

"The Muslims, who are a pretty angry bunch to begin with, on top of their anger that another religion dare disagree with them about anything, now also have to contend with their rage that Christianity has "lowered" itself to respecting the separation between church and state that all of the civilized world has adopted." (Capitalism Magazine)

Jack Kinsella on The Age of Irrationality
"It was during the 18th century's "Age of Reason" and 19th century's "Age of Enlightenment" the philosophies of liberalism and atheism were explored and codified, out of which grew the philosophy of modernism that dominated much of the thinking during the 20th century. From this point on, thinkers and writers were held to be free to pursue the truth in whatever form, without the threat of sanction for violating established ideas.

With the end of the Second World War and the rise of post-modernity, these same features came to be regarded as liabilities - excessive specialization, failure to heed traditional wisdom or provide for unintended consequences.

By the end of the 20th century, the natural progression of these philosophies resulted in much of the Western world entering what many call the post-Christian era.

Now, in the 21st century, a new philosophy is taking over the West. For want of a better name, one might call it the 'post-rational' era.

The previously mentioned philosophies gave great credibility to reason and logic. As the 21st century opens, these bedrock principles of rational thought are being thrown out the window in favor of what can best be described as wishful thinking.

We wish that Islam is a religion of peace and love, and therefore, no preponderance of evidence to the contrary is enough to shake that dream.

We wish the United Nations was an effective tool of international diplomacy and peace, and therefore, the preponderance of evidence that it disinterested in the former and incapable of the latter will not be entertained." (The Omega Letter)

Fark Teasers of the Week
Source: Fark Internet Site

Unclear on just who it is they're dealing with, Muslims worldwide demand the Pope back down and apologize. Because threats of bodily harm are what the 'Religion of Peace' is all about.

Pope Benedict criticizes Islam, Muslims worldwide preparing a reasonable, proportionate response. As they always do.

 

Fark Teaser of the Week
Source: Fark Internet Site

When "the most powerful armor ever deployed by a UN peacekeeping force is 13 French tanks", with a total of 117 reverse gears among them, you can start to understand the ineffectiveness of UN peacekeeping. [09/14/06]

Quotes of the Week
Source: PIG News Wire [09/15/06]

On the morality of murdering animal researchers
"I don't think you'd have to kill, assassinate too many. I think for 5 lives, 10 lives, 15 human lives, we could save a million, 2 million or 10 million nonhuman lives.'' (Trauma surgeon, Dr. Jerry Vlasak, leader of the North American Animal Liberation Front)

Pope sounds off on scientific reason’s frightening impact on African true believers
"People in Africa and Asia admire our scientific and technical prowess, but at the same time, they are frightened by a form of rationality that totally excludes God from man's vision, as if this were the highest form of reason."

"Social issues and the Gospel are inseparable. When we bring people only knowledge, ability, technical competence and tools, we bring them too little." (Pope Benedict XVI as quoted by Reuters)

Love Triangle of the Century
Source: PIG’s Golden Oinks Page [09/15/06]

Love triangles epics are, as the trite saying goes, a dime a dozen. But, I’m willing to bet the proverbial agriculture endeavor that you never hear one like this epic. The drama unfolds in Sicily where passions are notoriously high at the best of times. It begins when Silvia returns home to find her lover, Carmelo, in bed with another woman, a married woman. Going postal, Silvia set fire to the house where - in addition to being Carmelo’s bedmate - she toiled as his housekeeper. When Carmelo emerged with his married lover, mild-tempered Silvia greeted him with a machete and convincing death threats. The intended mayhem was stopped by onlookers who grabbed and restrained her.

We know what you’re thinking and you’d be right, in any other case. As spiffy as this story is, it’s nothing that rates "Love Triangle of the Century". Too true, until you get your Paul Harvey Moment and the rest of the story. Carmelo is 70 years old Father Carmel Mantarro. Silvia, his lover of 4 years and a woman who had two abortions at his behest, is Sister Silvia Gomes De Sousa. That’s right PIGsters a nun tried to kill her lover the priest when she caught him in bed with a married woman. "Love Triangle of the Century"? You better damn believe it.

Update: A judge let Sister Silvia out on bail while she faces charges for ‘threats to kill and arson’. Attention Father Carmelo, mild mannered Sylvia is back on the streets. Be afraid dude, be very afraid.

Fark Teasers of the Week
Source: Fark Internet Site

Kansans discover mastadon fossil that was placed there by God to test their faith or something. (09/08/06)

The good news is, the Bush administration has a new plan for trying Gitmo prisoners. The bad news is, if you float, you're a terrorist. (09/06/06)

Amazing Adventures
Source: PIG News Wire [09/08/06]

Big Apple (New York)
A former executive with Sigma USA, Yoshio Yamaki, was starting to get stir crazy after spending 6 weeks in a Big Apple graybar hotel. A dude who can’t say no when it comes to his appetites, Yoshi landed in the graybar after he got busted for using $7 million dollars of the company’s money to fund his gambling habit. What to do? Yoshi’s solution, was, to say the least, a eye-opener.

It’s not breaking news when a dude talks his wife into helping raise the $350,000 in bail money to spring him. But, when was the last time you heard about the wife showing up to spring her hubby accompanied by her hubby’s mistress? Even the presiding judge in the Brooklyn Federal Court was suitably impressed:

‘...Magistrate Judge Lois Bloom uncovered the love-triangle after she asked a few routine questions of the bond-signers.

"I am the wife," Hiroko Yamaki informed Bloom through an interpreter.

"I met him in a restaurant...We live together," explained Megumi Tsuji, who is a hostess in a Japanese restaurant.

The judge appeared momentarily flustered and explained she did not intend to embarrass the women. "Mr. Yamaki, you are an incredibly lucky man," Bloom said...’ (NY Daily News)

It’s a damn shame that Yoshi isn’t as lucky at the gambling tables as he is in the romance department. Life is so unfair that way.

Snyder (Oklahoma)
If you’re looking for a job, we might have a hot tip for you. We know for a fact that Snyder is in the market for a Chief of Police, a mayor and at least one - perhaps two - city councilmen. The openings are the latest chapter in the furor that embroiled the town thanks to former Police Chief Tod Ozmun’s wife, Doris. Doris, is, to say the least, a piece of work.

The bovine excrement hit the fan with a deafening "splat" after some pervert found, downloaded and circulated images of a nude Doris posted on an "adult porn Web site". Faster than a DLS data bit, at least 70 townspeople swarmed into city hall demanded that Chief Ozmun be fired. Unwilling to face the clamoring mob, the city council went into executive session and emerged 20 minute late with this gem:

‘..."Under the First Amendment of the Constitution of the United States, and adjudicated by the Supreme Court of the United States on may occasions, pornography or, in the case of Snyder, adult pictures, is a right under the First Amendment and no laws have been broken.

As Mayor and council of the city of Snyder...we do not endorse pornography, however, we do endorse an individual’s rights under the First Amendment."...’ (AP)

Doris tried to calm the trouble waters with a statement that accepted full personal responsibility, asserted her First Amendment rights and made it clear that her adult modeling career had nothing whatsoever to do with the Snyder Police Department or the city of Snyder. She might as well have saved her breath because the mob wanted her hubby’s head on a platter and they got it.

On Friday, the chief, the mayor and a city council member resigned, citing the on-going furor as the reason. That should end the matter, but the uproar still seems to be at a fever pitch. Despite the fact that the Chief resigned and his wife removed the images from the Internet, the District Attorney is trying to get his pound of flesh via an investigation by the Oklahoma State Bureau of Investigation. All things considered, we’re putting this gem in the "stay tuned" pile.

Fair Warning: We know what you’re thinking horndog Sparky and we’re compelled to pour ice water on those blazing nads with this quote from Chief Ozmun about his bride: "My wife is 6-foot-3 and weighs 300 pounds. If there is somebody that thinks they can control her, have at it. I have tried for 11 years and haven't been able to."

According to our news sources, Doris’s other pertinent info includes: 43 years old, tattooed, got out of the slammer in 2005 after a two year graybar stint on drug-related charges.

Quotes of the Week
Source: PIG News Wire [09/08/06]

Mahmoud Throws Down The Gauntlet
"We requested a face-to-face debate (with Bush) to assess the problems of the world...We will let humanity choose between us...We oppose the fact that America and Britain intend to impose themselves on every other nation. Those who do not respond to the invitation (to follow God's will), as we said, will have no good fate. I do not threaten anybody, but the whole universe threatens you. The current of life in the universe opposes you, as it opposes tyranny." (Iran's presidential wingnut as quoted by Reuters)

The Terminator Likes His Women Spicy
"[A certain Puerto Rican Assemblywoman is] very hot. I mean Cuban, Puerto Rican, they are all very hot. They have the, you know, part of the black blood in them and part of the Latino blood in them that together makes it." (Mexifornia's Action Hero Governor as quoted by the L.A. Times)

A Rugged American Individual
Source: PIGster Bill Taylor [09/06/06]

[His name is Sheriff Joe Arpaio. He keeps the peace in Maricopa County, Arizona. His stellar notions on crime and punishment are worth a second look.]

He has jail meals down to 40 cents a serving and charges the inmates for them.

He stopped smoking and porno magazines in the jails.

Took away their weights. Cut of off all but "G" movies.

He started chain gangs so the inmates could do free work on county and city projects.

Then he started chain gangs for women so he wouldn't get sued for discrimination.

He took away cable TV until he found out there was a federal court order that required cable TV for jails. So he hooked up the cable TV again only let in the Disney channel and the weather channel.

When asked why the weather channel he replied, so they will know how hot it's gonna be while they are working on my chain gangs.

He cut off coffee since it has zero nutritional value.

When the inmates complained, he told them, "This isn't the Ritz/Carlton. If you don't like it, don't come back."

He bought Newt Gingrich' lecture series on videotape that he pipes into the jails.

When asked by a reporter if he had any lecture series by a Democrat, he replied that a democratic lecture series might explain why a lot of the inmates were in his jails in the first place.

---

Strange, True and Compelling
Source: PIG News Wire [08/31/06]

Dream Date
When the time came to get a date for an important school-related social event - the Year 12 formal dance this coming November - Daniel Dibley decided to go for the gold. He tracked down the contact information for his dream date, then sent her a nifty invite:

"I feel this would be a great honour for both Ms Hawkins and me. She could fly up to Bathurst as there are flights daily and I would book accommodation for Ms Hawkins at Lochinvar Cottages, which is situated on the famous Mount Panorama looking over Bathurst and is the only five star accommodation in the Bathurst Region.''

Utterly charmed by the teenage lad’s well planned invitation, Ms. Hawkins - Jennifer "Miss Universe Australia" Hawkins - accepted the invitation, making Daniel Dibley a teenage lad legend. From the bottoms of our PIGish hearts we congratulate Daniel for his stunning dating coup. A date with a Miss Universe hottie! Daniel, dude, you are the man!

Update: We regret to report that Jennifer is backing out of her date, but her reason is a good one. The minute this story hit the Aussie news cycle, a feeding frenzy ensued that shows no sign of letting up. Unwilling to subject herself and Daniel to this media circus, she contacted him and called off the date. That’s a bummer, but the news isn’t all bad for Daniel. Jennifer asked if Daniel would agree to a lunch date with Jennifer in Bathurst. Since Daniel isn’t insane, he agreed in record time. PIG is pleased to report that Daniel will still get his dream date with a Miss Universe hottie. Daniel, dude, you are still the man!

Verizon’s Bait and Switch - Update
Before we get to our update, we’ll remind you of Verizon’s antics as reported in last week’s News Digest:

Bait & switch is alive and well in the USA. Verizon Communications started this bait & switch adventure when, with suitable fanfare, they helped nudge the FCC into cancelling a Nanny State surcharge on digital subscriber lines. Under the old surcharge, DSL customers paid a monthly fee of $2.83 or $1.25 depending on their connection speed. The surcharge was - in theory - used to "bring service to lower income and rural areas". Big, big fun.

On August 14, the Nanny State dropped the surcharge, but Verizon - champion of the consumer that they are - decided to impose their own connection speed-related surcharge on their thrilled spitless customers. The new surcharge - $1.20 or $2.70 - is essentially identical to the old one, but this one is pocketed by Verizon, not Uncle Sam. That’s gotta make certain DSL consumers thrilled spitless that they went with Verizon.

Fast forward to the present and Verizon is dumping its bait and switch antics like a bad habit. Why? It might have something to do with the dime that the FCC dropped on the company when they heard about these Verizon fun and games. The gem that motivated Verizon is called a "letter of inquiry". According to our news source this is "the first step in a formal investigation". Since Verizon wanted no part of an FCC inquisition, they dropped their surcharge plan, trying to save face by citing "feedback from consumers".

Don’t Try This At Home
Determined to inspire his faithful flock, Pastor Franck Kabele stunned everybody with his announcement. Citing a message he’d just received on his personal hotline to heaven, Pastor Kabele revealed that, fortified by his faith, he would duplicate the Cross Dude’s walking on water exploits. Leading his thrilled spitless congregation to a nearby beach, he proclaimed his daring plan to walk across the Komo estuary - a 20 minute boat trip. If you see where this is headed, don’t spoil it for those slower on the uptake.

Faith, we’re assured, will move mountains, but apparently, faith will not give the water in the Komo estuary the tensile strength to support a fully grown, allegedly human true believer. Pastor Kabele discovered that fun fact through trial and error when he walked into the water, and quickly disappeared beneath the waves. He walked, he disappeared, he died, sums up Franck’s final moments. File this human gene pool improvement epic under "maybe this revelation lost something in the translation" in your human gene pool improvement archives.

Quotes of the Week
Source: PIG News Wire [08/31/06]

A Fed-Up Israeli Columnist Calls for Regime Change
"For more than 20 years, Israeli prime ministers have come to office pledging to be leaders for all the people, only to exacerbate existing divides and create new ones. Why not tap the one leader who has managed to unite the Israeli people as has no prime minister in memory?

It goes beyond the war itself. Only [Hezbollah leader Hassan] Nasrallah succeeded in putting an end to what has been the central rift in Israeli society for the past four decades: He has effectively stilled the arguments for and against the concept of land-for-peace. Nobody's about to give up anything now. Certainly not in the one place everyone cares about, the West Bank.

The right and the left are closer than they have been at any time since June, 1967. The right, having already lost Gaza, has seen its Greater Israel dream shattered. The left, having been rocketed by Hamas, the Jihad, and Hezbollah, has seen its bedrock ideology - End War by Ending Occupation - reduced to rubble.

Finally, here is a leader who carries no moral baggage. The world expects nothing of him morally, so there is the merest of outcry when he attacks civilian targets. Nasrallah has a proven record." (Bradley Burston, in an Israeli fishwrap Haaretz)

Rumsfeld Compares 21st Century Appeasers to 20th Century Nazi Appeasers
‘...Rumsfeld said that as fascism and Nazism took hold in Europe, those who warned of a coming crisis were ridiculed or ignored. He quoted Winston Churchill as observing that trying to accommodate Hitler was "a bit like feeding a crocodile, hoping it would eat you last."

"I recount this history because once again we face similar challenges in efforts to confront the rising threat of a new type of fascism. Can we truly afford to believe that somehow, some way, vicious extremists can be appeased? Can we truly afford to return to the destructive view that America - not the enemy - is the real source of the world's troubles?" (AP)

Fark Teasers of the Week
Source: Fark Internet Site

Top tourist attractions criticized for only offering burgers, fries and sodas, rather than healthy foods. Because nothing makes a day out more special than trying to force carrot sticks and bottled water into your four-year-old.

Secret Service: "Hello, Virginia DOT? Could you please close down all carpool lanes leaving Washington DC so the President can easily get to and from a fundraiser for George Allen?" VDOT; "Die in a fire."

Things That Go "Bump" and Other Strange Stuff
Source: PIG News Wire [08/24/06]

Don’t Come Any Closer, I’ve Got a Blender
The drama began Monday when Ocean City (Maryland) cops encountered a West Virginia dude who identified himself as Osama Bin Laden. After the local shrinks deemed Osama (real name = Tena Bergeno) good to go, he was back on the streets Wednesday. Noting that our hero was still acting weird, cops tried to stop him, at which point the real fun ensued:

Osama jumped into a car and took off like a scalded mutt.
The police were hot on his heels.
Osama narrowly missed two cars before plowing into three cars at a stop light.
When the cops approached Osama’s disabled car, he - we are not making this up - held them at bay with a blender.

Eventually the cops bagged Osama/Tena then charged him/it with fleeing and eluding, hit and run, second degree assault, plus a laundry list of traffic infractions. At press time, Osama/Tena is back with the head shrinkers, who, hopefully will come to the obvious conclusion. Osama/Tena is nuttier than a fruitcake.

Two Heads Are Better Than One?
A dothead dude from the Uttar Pradesh state in northern India has a very rare form of an already rare condition called "diphallus". Cutting to the chase, this dude was born with two wangs, both of which are fully functional. It’s the dual functionality part that makes this case especially rare, since, usually one of the wangs sported by a diphallus afflicted dude is "rudimentary" (decorative, for the lack of a better word). Dual, fully functional wangs would make him a very popular dude in certain circles. Holy all night party, Batman!

We’re amazed to report that this 24 year old double-wanged dude admitted himself to a New Delhi hospital to have one of his wangs whacked off. Excuse me while I take a brief timeout, because typing that last sentence was understandably painful. Ahhh, that’s much better. PIG strongly suggests that this dude rethink his decision and consider the possibilities. The first thought that comes to our dirty minds is the fun fact that he could make a fortune - a veritable king’s ransom in porn flicks. We’re talking never work a day in your damn life here money, dude and you want to throw it all away. Whatever he decides, we wish him well, but urge him to road test some of the possibilities before he does something drastic.

Drunk Driving for THAT?
Adrian Whitaker is no stranger to the Knebworth (England) cops. He’s so unsafe at any speed that the local authorities hit him with a driving ban. His solution seems to be bulletproof but humor-challenged cops tend to disagree. This week, after downing a staggering 20 pints of Guinness, he got onto his ride and started home. When the cops stopped him, Adrian was so potted that he fell off the ride and landed at the officer’s feet. That easily, Adrian was nailed for operating a horse and cart while intoxicated. Call us names if you insist, but we think this drunk operation of a horse and cart is a crock, and you can quote us on that.

Free Adrian. Free Adrian. Free Adrian.

Unsafe at Any Speed
A Port Richey denizen named Michael Wiley is, to say the least, a menace to navigation whenever he gets behind the wheel of his green Corvette. In order to feel "free", Michael climbs behind the wheel then ventures forth to thrill everybody with his high speed antics. Making Michael especially noteworthy is the fun fact that our Mikey doesn’t have any arms. What passes for steering is accomplished by jamming his left stump into the steering wheel. That might explain why on his "freedom seeking" jaunts frequently end with a thunderous "crash".

The ultimate paradox is a spiffy one. Mikey needs to get in his car and drive to feel "free". But, his unsafe at any speed antics, invariably send him to jail. So far, he’s been nabbed 19 times for driving on a revoked or suspended license. When Mikey starts careening down those Florida roads at 120 mph, the safest place to be is Saturn.

Buy A Damn Belt, Sparky
Dallas (Mexas) is poised to attack the number one problem plaguing that Lone Star State city. Tired of looking at some twerps underwear, because he, she, heshe or it is wearing his drawers down around their knees, a Dallas school trustee is enlisting support on the city council. He wants them to prohibit pants that hang well below the waist, leaving the underwear flapping in the breeze. The dude’s name is Ron Price and he’s determined to make these showoffs cover up for a change:

‘...Mr. Price said he wants the city to create an ordinance or strengthen one that prohibits public lewdness. Such a rule would affect mainly young adults and children, some of whom get their pants several sizes too big to achieve the saggy effect. "To me, it's disrespectful and dishonorable to women for men to walk around with their bottoms showing," Mr. Price said...’ (Dallas Morning News)

The fun fact hiding near the end of this story is that this type of fashion statement is already banned in the school system in which Ron Price toils. But, eager to increase his name recognition, aspiring city councilman Price wants to impose these rules on sovereign individuals throughout the city. As much as I might detest seeing some clown’s skivvies, I damn sure don’t think it’s any of the Nanny State’s damn business. Grow a pair, Ron and get over it already. Don’t make me come over there.

Not In Front of My Mother!
Uncharacteristically alert security minions at O’Hare Airport were suitably alarmed when a routine inspection of a passenger’s luggage produced a round, black object that looked suspiciously like a grenade. When asked about it, Mardin Azad Amin sized up his situation then boldly proclaimed that the item in question was indeed a bomb. Detention ensued, and that, it seems, should end the story. It should end the story but doesn’t.

When questioned further, back in security dweeb central, our hero explained his actions. The suspicious item wasn’t an explosive, but it could blow up in Amin’s face, if he admitted its true purpose while his mother was standing right behind him. The item is, in fact, part of Amin’s "penis pump", a tidbit that he wasn’t about to blurt it out in front of mom. Amin, dude, she knows now and thanks to your "it’s a bomb" whopper, you’re facing a felony disorder charge that could land you in the slammer for 3 years.

Critter Crisis In Olympia
The AP headline - we are not making this up - says it all: "Psycho Killer Raccoons Terrorize Olympia". A gang of these furry urban terrorists is on a rampage in an Olympia (Washington) community. So far, their reign of terror has exterminated 10 cats, ripped a small dog a new one, and inflicted painful bites on a human who tried to interfere with their rampage. The U.S. Department of Agriculture is marshaling its forces to deal with the situation. Stay tuned to PIG for updates on this fast breaking story. PIG’s ‘Critter Rampage Threat Level’ is now officially "Holy Crap!" in the three block area of Olympia near the Garfield Nature Trail. If you live in the besieged area, "lock and load" is the order of the day.

Fark Teasers of the Week
Source: Fark Internet Site

In a display of marksmanship heretofore seen only from the LAPD, Hezbollah uses 250 rockets to kill one Israeli.

Stranger Than Fiction
Source: PIG’s Golden Oinks 2006 [08/18/06]

Stupid Human Trick I
It's called "Ghost riding", but music lovers might know it as "Ghost Riding the whip", since it is a stunt popularized by what ABC News calls 'popular rapper E-40 , who has a song where he repeatedly chants, "Ghost ride the whip' ("whip" is slang for a car). Ghost riding is the latest car-related teenage frivolity which traces its origins back to the venerable "Chinese Fire Drill" (at a stop light or stop sign, everyone jumps out of the car, sprints a lap around it then jumps back into it again). Next came a stunt that has been very helpful when it comes to human gene pool improvement: "car surfing" (standing on top of a ride while it's in motion). Big, big fun.

Ghost riding involves a driver jumping out of his ride while it’s in motion then dancing, running or walking beside the moving, uncontrolled ride. You'll be thrilled to hear that teens are posting videos of their exploits on the information superhighway. Some "ghost rides" end uneventfully, but others result in - big shock - the car doing a header into the proverbial immovable object. If you can't wait to get started with your first ghost ride, be advised that it won't count if you don't play E-40's song while you're perpetrating this "unsafe at any speed antic". If you manage to off yourself in this asinine manner, do PIG a huge favor, and add a clause to your last will and testament that forces your next of kin to alert us so we can log your contribution in our human gene pool improvement archives.

Stupid Human Trick II
Determined to thwart richly-deserved Darwinian retribution for certain intellectual flat-liners, the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers black-flagged "tube kiting" on lakes in Middle Tennessee. For those blissfully unaware of "tube kiting" be advised that it involves towing an inflatable rubber raft behind a fast-moving boat until the raft becomes airborne. The usual speed required is 25-35 mph and the average height achieved is about 70 feet above the water.

When the inevitable happens, those falling from the "flying" boat can sustain a laundry list of predictable injuries: broken necks, broken ribs, chest or back injuries, plus, in at least 2 instances, death. Saving the chronically stupid from themselves? You better believe it, Army Corps of Engineers Sparky.

Golden "D’oh" Contender
It's not breaking news when the relevant bureaucrats post warning signs on highways and byways to warn of road work ahead. In Wales, it's not newsworthy when the relevant warning sign is posted in Welsh and English. By now you gotta know that the sign in question is fatally flawed or it wouldn't make the Golden Oinks cut.

The temporary sign posted by the road work taking place at a Barons Court roundabout between Penarth and Cardiff warns bike riders "cyclists dismount" in English. In theory, the accompanying Welsh prose - "llid y bledren dymchwelyd" - means the same thing. In theory. However, this Welsh prose actually means "bladder disease has returned" when translated into English. We're not sure what this has to do with bike riders and their encounter with road work and neither does any Welsh speaking rational adult. New, corrected, signs are in the works, but not in time to stop the laughter from amazed and amused PIGsters.

Quotes of The Week
Source: PIG News Wire [08/17/06]

Siberian-Americans whine about Washington Redskins
"There is no compromise with racism. Power concedes nothing. You have to go in and make change happen...The Washington football club name has been determined by three trademark judges and the majority of native Americans to be offensive...This public act of allegiance by Native American youth with the efforts of their elders to combat intolerance is truly heroic and reflects a courageous willingness on the part of these young people to protect Native peoples from slurs and vulgarities." (Suzan Shown Harjo, president of the Morning Star Institute as quoted by AP)

Sandbox gets huffy about "Islamo-Fascism"
"(Saudi Arabia) warns of accusing Muslims of terrorism and fascism without considering the history of the pure Islamic civilization. What Islam is being charged with today, such as fascism, is primarily the result of Western cultural heritage.
Terrorism has no religion and no nationality." (Official statement released by the Sandbox's government)

CAIR gets huffy about "Islamic fascists"
“The use of ill-defined hot-button terms such as ‘Islamic fascists,’ ‘militant jihadism,’ ‘Islamic radicalism’ or ‘totalitarian Islamic empire’ harms our nation's image and interests worldwide, particularly in the Islamic world.” (Council on American-Islamic Relations board member, Parvez Ahmed in a letter to W)

Warren Beatty whines about the vast right-wing conspiracy
“People hate celebrities...There has been a demonization of celebrities on the part of the far right. Look, Bruce Springsteen went out for [John] Kerry in Ohio, and they even made him look bad - and Springsteen is a saint." (Beatty quote from "I feel Earthquakes More Often Than They Happen" by Amy Wilentz)

Reverend Al paints a bull’s-eye on "Gangsterism"
"We have got to get out of this gangster mentality, acting as if gangsterism and blackness are synonymous. I think that challenge has to be given to Hollywood and the record industry. I think we've allowed a whole generation of young people to feel that if they're focused, they're not black enough. If they speak well and act well, they're acting white, and there's nothing more racist than that."

"Nobody broke in my house in Brooklyn and dragged me out the projects and made me a leader, I wanted to do that. Clearly, we would work with young people who want to do the work."

Fark Teasers of the Week
Source: Fark Internet Site [08/12]

"Cuba is so convinced that we're going to attack them, they've rallied their troops -- most of whom happen to be in their 60s and 70s -- to yell at us to stay off their lawn." [08/06/06]

"Death row inmate complaining bitterly that he only gets nine TV channels in his cell and they're all terrible. The violin playing for this guy is of subatomic dimensions." [08/05]

Quotes of the Week
Source: PIG News Wire [08/12/06]

Mark Morford on music lyrics and sexual activity in teenagers
"Wait-wait-wait, don't they have it exactly backward? Doesn't the fact that you're a sexually desperate, hormone-blasted teen make you all that much more likely to crave music that reflects your surging desires? Are you not, after all, just another misinformed and misled American teenager, weaned on a sickly diet of insidious abstinence programs and lousy sex ed and horribly mixed messages about sex and love and your body? But it does not matter, because all of that is easily crushed by a pile of hormones so raging and sexually desirous you think you will jump out of your skin at any moment?

Hence, are you not merely seeking music to match this feeling? Is it not a case of which came first, the eager chicken or the throbbing, groovy egg? Of course it is.

From what I can recall, the music I loved (and still love) was as much a balm and mirror and therapist for my pimpled and tormented young soul as it was any sort of motivation or shaper of sexual attitude. And truly, the music was a minor accomplice when compared to, say, those early Penthouse Forum letters. Or the existence of tight jeans. Or Denet Whitaker's skin. Note to researchers: Isolate one aspect at your peril. If you divorce one random influence from the context of a teen's manic life, the significance of your point simply collapses." (San Francisco Chronicle)

Joe Lieberman on the latest Jihadikaze plot
"I'm worried that too many people ... don't appreciate the seriousness of the threat to American security and the evil of the enemy that faces us, more evil or as evil as Nazism and probably more dangerous than the Soviet communists...If we just pick up like Ned Lamont wants us to do, get out by a [certain] date ..., it will be taken as a tremendous victory by the same people who wanted to blow up these planes in this plot hatched in England. How the heck can we be in a battle in which we are fighting as Democrats and Republicans against each other when these terrorists certainly don't distinguish based on party affiliation? They want to kill any and all of us." (AP)

Things that Go "Bump" and Other Fun Stuff
Source: PIG News Wire [08/11/06]

Is THAT Illegal TOO!
An Aussie political hack took the adage - "everyone needs a hobby" - to heart and it landed him in the justice system bull's-eye. To put this as delicately as possible, Steve-o is snake-fascinated by the Southern Exposure of a North-bound female. No matter what kind of junk a female has in her trunk, Steve-o loves gazing at it. Steve-o's butt fetish reached critical mass when a humor-challenged eunuch working in an Aussie photo lab told the proper authorities that Steve-o dropped off two rolls of film that contained photos of female posteriors doing all sorts of everyday things.

When the cops raided Steve-o's home, they found more of the same. In addition to 150 of his favorite photos on display, they found "hundreds" more in folders. Here's a quick rundown on Steve-o's collection:

'...His extensive collection featured images of a 60-year-old woman’s behind, women runners bending over a starting block and a lady wearing Lycra bike shorts before a run, to name a few. Conspicuously absent from his collection of tushies? Ladies in denim. Rehgenzani told cops that he did not like women in jeans...' (Fox)

The relevant authorities pinned a "stalking" label on Steve-o's antics, a designation that seems like overkill. He never "stalked" anybody. He simply availed himself of "targets of opportunity" who happened to cross his path. His antics never impacted the subject of his adoration and, by all accounts, his "hobby" seems relatively harmless, unless you're living in a Korrectnik infested realm like Melbourne. If someone wants to start a Steve-o defense fund, count me in, because nailing him for a "crime" for this crap is Korrectness on goddamn steroids.

[PIG thanks PIGster DoubleEdge for the news tip.]

Get A Room, Dude
Alarmed by the erratic swerving perpetrated by a Norwegian motorist, the cops in Laksevag decided to go investigate. No doubt, they expected to find a differently-sober driver. In this instance, the truth lay elsewhere. When they finally stopped the car, the cops found that the front seats were laid flat so the driver and his female companion could put out the inferno caused by their rampaging hormones. The driver freely admitted that he and his passion playmate were "unable to contain their lust". Big, big fun.

The couple won't need to worry about combining passion with travel now that the horndog driver had his driving privileges revoked. PIG suggests that after he's done trying to extricate himself from a laundry list of driving infractions, this horndog should take a hint and "Get a damn room" before he kills somebody.

Watch Out For The...SPLAT!
Acting on a tip that the driver of a certain Monte Carlo was involved in a series of shootings, the Nashville police tried to pull the car over. Unwilling to go quietly, the driver took off and led the police on a 7 mile long car chase. Unable to shake the cops in their ride, the car's occupants bailed out to take their chances on foot. Ducking into a domicile's backyard, the pair hopped the fence and tried to elude the cops by crossing the railroad tracks. One of the punks made it, the other got an instant room temperature transition when a freight train creamed him. Batting .500 is stellar in any league, and this is no exception. File this one under "one down, one to go" in your human gene pool improvement archives.

When Critter Attack
Denizens of Winter Park (Florida) were in a panic because a certain bipolar member of genus Sciurus was making a trip to the city's Central Park more thrilling that anyone wants or needs. Between August 1 and August 4, at least two Winter Park tykes had a close encounter with this furry terrorist's dark side during recent trips to the park. Holy squirrel bite reign of terror, Batman!

We're pleased to report that the "all clear" has sounded in Winter Park. The furry terrorist in question is now in captivity and under going intense interrogations at Club Gitmo. ACLU lawyers are rumored to be mounting a legal challenge to this affront on the squirrel's Constitutional rights.

Technological Tussle In Hoboken
It's called a "robotic garage" and it's on the cutting edge of ride storage technology. The fully automated car wrangling technology makes "more efficient use of space eliminating ramps and driving lanes, lifting and sliding automobiles into slots and shuffling them as needed" (Wired).

'...The lifts act independently of each other, and move in many directions, instead of just up and down. Every entry/exit station can accommodate 40 cars per hour, and every space is essentially a separate machine acting cooperatively. As the lot is used, it learns when particular cars tend to be picked up and dropped off and shuffles its load to optimize pickup time...' (Wired)

The computerized brain of this amazing ride storage concept depends on computer software from a Clearwater, Florida firm named Robotic Parking. Although the garage belongs to the city of Hoboken (New Jersey), ownership of that critical software program is retained by Robotic Parking. This fun fact caused the robotic garage to shut down recently, when Hoboken officials evicted Robotic Parking's employees from the high tech ride storage facility a few days before the contract between the city and Robotic expired.

Since the city was licensing Robotic's software on a month-to-month basis, Robotic pulled the plug on its software, shutting down the automated structure completely. By kicking out Robotic, the city kicked out Robotic's technical expertise and Robotic's intellectual property rights to the software. Without Robotic and its software, the automated parking gizmo shut down and stayed shut down because nobody in the vast Hoboken bureaucracy knew how to reboot the software. It took several days of wrangling, but, eventually, Robotic allowed Hoboken access to those imprisoned rides under the terms of a 3-year licensing agreement for a low, low, $5,500 a month.

Fark Teasers of the Week
Source: Fark Internet Site

"Hugo Chavez receives Iran's highest honor, the Iron Thorn in the Great Satan's Side." [07/31]

"Yum taking over Pizza Hut, marking the first time the two terms have appeared in the same statement." [07/31]

Quotes of the Week
Source: PIG News Wire [08/04/06]

The Proposed Internet Gambling Ban (Walter Williams Commentary in Capitalism Magazine)

"Congress' constitutional contempt is nothing new, but this latest act is quite a step down the slippery slope toward greater control of our lives. Let's look at some of their justifications. Rep. Goodlatte says, "Internet gambling is a scourge on our society. It causes innumerable problems in our society." Rep. John Duncan, R-Tenn., says, "The Internet is addictive for many people anyway, and online gambling can be doubly addictive." Most other justifications follow the same line of reasoning; namely, there are Americans who don't know what's good for them, and it's the job of Congress to stop them from personal indiscretions.

The Internet Gambling Prohibition Act gives Congress the authority to go to an Internet Service Provider (ISP) and order that they not provide linkages to online gambling establishments. If you think Congress will be satisfied with restrictions only on gambling establishments, you're going to be disappointed. After all, the Internet provides people with access to other establishments that can be said to "cause innumerable problems in our society." There are various hate groups with Internet sites that spew vile propaganda. There are pornographic sites. There are sites that present political ideas or religious fanaticism that are offensive to many people and can "cause innumerable problems in our society." If the Internet Gambling Prohibition Act is approved, it will become a precedent for congressional control over other aspects of the Internet and an important loss in our liberty."

---

Assorted Oddities
Source: Golden Oinks 2006 [07/27/06]

Fish Story
While deep sea fishing with his dad off Burmuda, Ian Card got up close and personal with the dark underbelly of Mother Nature. Ian and his dad Alan are both experienced marlin fishermen, but neither was prepared for the way their quarry turned the tables on Ian. The drama unfolded after Ian hooked an 800 pound, 14 foot long marlin and started reeling the critter toward the boat. Moments after hooking the fish, Ian got the shock of his 32 year old life when the fish made a run toward the boat jumped out of the water and impaled Ian just below his collar bone with the long, rounded spear extending from its snout. The impact knocked Ian out of the boat and into the ocean. While Ian struggled to free himself from the marlin's built-in sword, dad cut the fishing line and hauled his son back into the boat. Doctors who worked on Ian told him that the marlin came thisclose to rendering Ian room temperature.

This may be the only time since Ahab eluded Moby Dick where the one who got away is the human and the unlucky story teller is the fish. Bold new concept.

Road Hazard
While speeding through the Colorado foothills on her bike, triathlete Sabrina Oei did a header into a very unusual road hazard: Ursus americanus. The incident happened so fast that Sabrina was riding one moment and found herself splattered on the ground the next. Sabrina managed to ram her bike into a black bear who didn't feel like yielding the right of way. Fortunately, the collision of bike into bear was a casualty free affair that left both Sabrina and the bear shaken, but not stirred, with a story to take back to their respective home boys and girls. I suspect that Sabrina will find a more receptive audience than the bear who is going to be the laughingstock of the Colorado foothills. I can hear the bear's buddies now: "You got hit by a what! Give me a break." Life is so unfair that way.

Drivers Test
A 16 year old Michigan lad perpetrated one of the most memorable driving tests in all of recorded history. By the time the test ended, both the driver and the driver's license examiner, Gregory Desmet, were in the hospital recovering from their respective injuries. In addition to the human wear and tear, the teenager managed to rack up an impressive list of driving test infractions:

'...The teen, whose name was not released, drove the 2004 black Jeep Cherokee above speed limits, hit four cars and rolled over before going airborne and crashing into another car, which was pushed through the window of a rug store...' (AP)

The ensuing legal repercussions take this epic straight into the Twilight Zone. We're amazed to report that the teenager might not be facing any legal retribution. Why? He's spinning a tragic tale about suffering from a "seizure" during his driving test and was therefore, not responsible for the ensuing carnage. Proving that state authorities have a strange sense of humor, some spokesdolt opined that in addition to failing his bid for a license, the teenager wouldn't be allowed to re-take his driving test in the foreseeable future.

Things That Go "Bump"
Source: PIG News Wire [07/20/06]

Bandera (Mexas)
Domestic tranquility hit a major speed bump for Brett Day when he arrived home unexpectedly and caught his wife - Bandera County Sheriff dispatcher Kimberly Day - in a compromising position. When Brett arrived, Kimberly was hosting a horizontal and squishy party for several of her co-workers including Deputy Amy Price, Amy's hubby, Deputy David Moore, another sheriff's dispatcher and the dispatcher's hubby, plus Texas Ranger Lance Coleman. Brett Day snapped a few photos - we're not going to speculate on his motives - then got into a major row with his differently-faithful bride. When the party participants ganged up on him, Brett took off, phoning 911 for help.

At press time, no arrests have been made, primarily, because Brett Day can't be found. He's alive and well, but determined to steer clear of Bandera County because he's afraid Kimberly's pals in the sheriff's department will punish him for spoiling their horizontal and squishy fun. Brett is still determined to press charges, but how, when and where are, as yet, to be determined. The news isn't all bad: he still has those images of Kimberly in action to keep him warm at night.

Muncie (Indiana)
Amy Butler's close encounter with a pervert started in an Internet chat room. The man on the other end of the chat had a very twisted request. He wanted to meet Amy in a local motel where he offered to pay her $750 if she'd agree to have sex with him while her children watched them. Revolted by the idea, Amy contacted the cops. When the dude showed up at the appointed time an place, he was busted. As fun as this sounds it gets better.

The pervert, Robert Troxell, is not your garden variety loser. In fact, Bobby boy is the former Henry County Coroner. That was then, but now Bobby is in very deep trouble. Since he never did the deed, he got off lightly: 3 years supervised probation, with 6 months of it under "electronic home detention". Furthermore, he must attend sex educrap, sex therapy and do 100 hours of community service. Last, but not least, he gets to be a registered sex offender for the next 10 years. If he tries anything like this again during his probation, he gets to do some hard time, in the slammer.

Madison (Wisconsin)
In January 2005, Carrie Louah decided to pay her mom a surprise visit on mom's birthday. Surprise was achieved and the initial day of the visit transpired swimmingly. That all changed the next morning when Carrie slipped on mom's icy driveway and managed to break her ankle. Despite the fact that mom, belatedly, apologized in a letter, Carrie went shyster bonkers early in 2006. She's suing her parents for $75,000 in damages for medical bills and lost wages. We feel safe in predicting that Carrie won't be getting any invites - or anything else - from mom and dad for a long, long time.

Quote of the Week
Source: ESPN [07/14/06]

Indy Racing League driver Ed Carpenter served up the quote of the week during an on-air interview for WGFX-FM in Nashville. When asked about the rumors that Danica Patrick might move to the NASCAR circuit, Ed uncorked this politically incorrect gem about Danica's chances on the NASCAR circuit:

"I think Danica's pretty aggressive in our cars. I mean, you know especially if you catch her at the right time of the month, she might be trading plenty of paint out there. But I think she'll hold her own. Who's she's going to drive for is hard to say. I don't think she's leaving, so we'll see."

It's safe to assume that the bovine excrement hit the proverbial cooling device with a resounding "splat", because Ed apologized during an ESPN2 interview, the next damn day. And how, you ask, did Danica react to Ed's comments? You might be in for a surprise:

"That sounds like a good joke to me, it's pretty funny to me. No big deal. Ed is a really nice guy. There's no drama there. I think it's funny. I'm glad he's showing some personality."

PIG is more than a tad amazed that Danica didn't do a diva number over Ed's comments. We are, favorably impressed. Now, if she could find a worthwhile ride, we'd be locked and loaded for big time fun.

Fark Teasers of the Week
Source: Fark Internet Site

Not news: Man gets arrested; News: He chains himself to courthouse to protest cops arresting him and taking his drugs; Fark.com: Officer tells him to come back during business hours

Drunk man celebrating the Fourth of July learns the hard way that, when using a semi-automatic handgun to play Russian roulette, there's a winner every time

Stupid Human Tricks
Source: PIG News Wire [07/13/06]

Explosive Fun I
More than a tad bummed over losing a $4 million dollar divorce settlement, Dr. Nicholas Bartha tried his best to disprove the adage that "you can't take it with you". Driven into full-blown irrationality as a result of an especially nasty divorce, Dr. Bartha faced the unhappy fact that he must sell his Big Apple townhouse with grim resolve. First, there were dark rumblings in the divorce proceedings papers that Dr. Bartha vowed he'd "die in his house". Then, on Monday, he sent his ex the following e-mail message:

"When you read this ... your life will change forever. You deserve it. You will be transformed from gold digger to ash and rubbish digger. You always wanted me to sell the house. I always told you I will leave the house only if I am dead."

Within an hour of that message's transmission, the news media went bonkers when Dr. Bartha destroyed the townhouse with a thunderous natural gas explosion. Aided by a cell phone call from the mad bomber, rescue workers extracted a smug, but still alive Dr. Bartha from the wreckage. Rumor that he muttered about his ex trying to get "blood out of that blown to smithereens turnip" cannot be confirmed at press time.

Update
Dr. Bartha succeeded in taking it with him, by dying from his self-inflicted injuries.

Explosive Fun II
During a "Bucks Night" - what rational adults would call a "boys night out" - a pair of Aussie bright bulbs decided to make the night memorable. Armed with a 'stock of commercially-produced explosives', the pair decided to get the festivities rolling with a bang. The fun was almost ready to begin, when, while the pair was putting the finishing touches on their setup, the explosive blew up in their faces. Both were injured, but neither is likely to contribute to human gene pool improvement. The proper authorities insist that adult beverages were not a factor. Apparently, these two morons got to be this damn stupid all by themselves.

Explosive Fun III
A Sheboygan (Wisconsin) hormone gorilla decided it would be great fun to light a sparkler inside his friend's ride while motoring down the street. The lighting part was singularly uneventful, until this clown dropped the damn thing into a bag of sparklers. Faster than you can say "fire in the hole" the bag of sparklers caught fire. The lads stopped and tried to put out the fire using a blanket, but that, too caught fire helping the inferno spread to engulf the entire car.

Since the relevant authorities insist that adult beverages were not involved, file this epic under "stampeding stupidity" in your PIG News archives.

Things That Go "Bump" and Other Oddities
Source: PIG News Wire [07/06/06]

A Very Expensive Meal
The eBay bidding for a lunch with Warren Buffett was spirited, but the deal was sealed at an impressive $620,000. The winner is a Mexifornian with a classic melting pot name, Yongping Duan. We'll refrain, with great difficulty, from citing the venerable adage about "a fool and his money", but we do have one tidbit of advice for the lucky winner. If you just paid $620,000 for a lunch with a billionaire, don't be shy. Go ahead and let Warren pony up the tip. It's safe to assume that he can afford it.

A Calendar Date That Spawns Legends
Speaking of things that go bump in the night, July 2 is a date steeped in modern myth, conspiracy theory and junk science. Exhibit A: In 1937, Amelia Earhart pulled her great disappearing act during her flight over the Pacific Ocean. Her Greta Garbo impression is such an enduring one that she's still making news, long after her death. Exhibit B: In 1947 the mother of all UFO epics began when something crashed near Roswell, New Mexico. Long after the story was abandoned by the News Nitwits, Roswell is still fueling the crown jewel of pseudo science: UFOlogy. If you feel like celebrating this special day, tell 'them' that you saw Amelia in Wal-Mart and she gave you the lowdown on Roswell.

A Spiffy New Syndrome
It's called "Foreign Accent Syndrome" and it's no joke. A Brit woman who suffered a stroke in March woke up one fine morning and discovered one of the stroke's statistically improbable (50 cases in 65 years) side-effects; Foreign Accent Syndrome. Instead of her "Geordie twang" she heard herself speaking with what sounds like a Jamaican or Eastern European accent. She's undergoing speech therapy, but the odds are that she'll never get her old accent back.

Is It Something I Said
With only one other person on the bus, a Berlin bus driver decided to strike up a conversation with his passenger. Since it's World Cup time in Berlin, the conversation, quite naturally, turned to a sport everyone else in the world calls "football". The conversation hit a speed bump when the talk turned to Germany's loss to Italy in the semi-finals. That's when the driver strayed into the bull's-eye by opining that "German players just weren't good enough". In a heartbeat, the passenger who was wearing a German team jersey bearing the number 20, started yelling at the driver. Then, overwhelmed by his rage, the passenger bashed the driver on the head with a beer bottle. The driver lost control of the bus and rammed a parked car, an event that gave the passenger a chance to make is escape.

We're confident that this bus driver has learned his lesson, but, on the off chance he's one of our loyal PIG readers - we're amazingly popular in Germany - we'll offer him this advice: Next time you strike up a conversation, stick to the weather, dude.

Wimbledon Protects Its Sponsors
A 57 year old tennis fan named Marilyn Still ran afoul of Wimbledon officials when - we're not making this up - she got busted for bringing the wrong brand of yoghurt to the tennis match. Her provisions included "two small pots of yoghurt and two bottles of chocolate milkshake" (Daily Mail). The problem? Marilyn's provisions were made by Alpro, but Alpro's rival, Muller, makes Wimbledon's official yoghurt. The minute the security guard spotted those Alpro labels he confiscated them. This was a major problem for Marilyn who has low blood sugar and needs the occasional infusion of sugar to keep her in the pink.

The All England Club admitted that it, routinely, banned items of clothing, and food that bore "obvious logos" that weren't Wimbledon sponsors.

Gotcha, High Tech Sparky!
Jason Bunch was mowing the lawn while listening to his iPod when Old Ka-Boom got playful and nailed him with a lightning bolt. The Denver Channel site serves up these spiffy details from Jason himself:

"I woke up and blood was coming out my ears. From where the iPod was, it damaged my hearing and it ruptured my eardrums. Where the cord was, it burned me all down my body. We need to shave my head because my hair is like dreadlocks. It's all sticking together. I'm just extremely blessed to be alive."

Since Jason is a teenager and, by all reports "a good kid" it seems highly unlikely that he incurred celestial wrath. It has to be the music he was playing on the iPod. Who knew that Old Ka-Boom was such a harsh music critic?

---

Payback's a Bitch
Source: Golden Oinks 2006 [06/30/06]

It's not breaking news when someone who gets "connected" with a stranger via MySpace ends up regretting the experience. But, this case is not what it seems. What makes this different is the fact that the horndog who found his connection on MySpace is the one with all the regrets. Our hero's adventure started when he stumbled over a hottie named Natalia on MySpace. She was, he came to believe, a fetching young lady who was a venerable 18 years old. After some message exchanges, the two decided to meet in person.

When our hero arrived at the appointed place, he was stunned when two teenage girls - ages 14 and 15 - approached him and said they knew Natalia. They went on the explain that they knew where he worked and what kind of car he drove. Getting nervous, the horndog decided to beat a hasty retreat, but the wenchlets had other ideas. One Emerilized the horndog's close encounter by pulling out a gun, holding it to the horndog's head and demanded that he empty his wallet. As luck would have it, he didn't have his wallet with him, so the wenchlets cut him loose. After the horndog filed a police report, the cops tracked down the wenchlets who were armed with a pair of handguns.

Call us names if you must, but this story hits our funny bone. After all the times some old enough to know better scumbag used MySpace to victimize some teenage wenchlet, we find it ironic, in the extreme, that some wenchlets are starting to exploit the situation.

Instant Justice
Source: S. F. Chronicle [06/28/06]

The crime spree started out bad when three Gulag robbers tried to mug a dude in the wee hours of the morning. After their intended victim escaped unscathed, the punks didn't take the hint, but tempted fate by holding up a couple. When the punks tied to separate a man from his backpack, he trumped their numerical advantage by pulling out a gun. A brief fusillade settled the matter: one punk got a leg wound; a second got a bullet in the butt plus another in the arm; the third stumbled away with a wound in the butt and the groin. All three are in custody facing attempted robbery charges. The cops would like to "talk" to the gun toting "victim", but I'm guessing they'll never hear from him.

Quote of the Week
Source: PIG News Wire [06/23/06]

A U.S. Congressman from Iowa, Steve King, flirted with PIG hero status on June 7 when he was discussing the richly deserved death of that rat bastard Zarkawi. It was during this discussion of Zarkawi's transition to room temperature, that Congressman King said it:

"There probably are not 72 virgins in the hell he's at. And if there are, they probably all look like Helen Thomas."

Proving that Helen Thomas lacks two of life's essentials: a mirror and a sense of humor, she, or someone in her posse took umbrage, so, this week, Congressman King apologized. PIG hero status was within his grasp, but he lacked the nads to seize the moment.

Fark Teasers of the Week
Source: Fark Internet Site

Since repealing motorcycle helmet law, "unhelmeted" deaths jump from 22 to 432 per year. Waiting list for a new kidney now stands at 18 minutes [06/18/06]

It helps your jail credibility when your father joins you in jail. Until everybody finds out that he was arrested for cavorting in the street in women's thong underwear. And that his name is Bunny. [06/17/06]

Things That Go "Bump" and Other Oddities
Source: PIG News Wire [06/20/06]

The Doughnut Loving Dog Caper
A doughnut loving mutt is on borrowed time, thanks to his latest doughnut related antics. The drama unfolded when the mutt noticed that his owner left a box of the yummy treats sitting on the stove. Doing what comes naturally, the dog jumped up on to the stove for a tasty snack. Unfortunately, the mutt accidently switched on a burner and in short order, the box of doughnuts caught fire. By the time the fire department arrived, the fire had spread to the attic. The mutt, we're pleased to report, escaped unscathed but the same can't be said for the domicile which incurred $75,000 worth of damage.

PIG News dares to wonder whether the feds offer witness protection and/or identity changes for doughnut loving mutts?

A Desperado Fashion Faux Pax
You know those baggy, low-slung, gravity-challenging pants that hormone gorillas and "young men" wear every damn where? Although they are, to most objective observers, an eyesore, they do serve one useful purpose. According to cops from sea to shining sea, those droopy drawers make fleeing desperados much easier to catch:

'...Jim Matheny, a police lieutenant in Stamford, Conn., says he gets into foot chases with young men just about every other week, and it’s getting easier to nab them because they can’t run fast in loose pants. "It’s like: ‘Hey dude, buy a belt and save yourself some trouble,’” Matheny said...'

'...In another case, a police officer in Lynnwood, Wash., was escorting a handcuffed suspect to a patrol car when the suspect took off running. But the baggy jeans he was wearing fell to his ankles and he toppled to the pavement. He wriggled out of the pants and ran toward a nearby mall as the officer radioed in a description: "White male, running, no pants, in handcuffs...' (News Max)

Memo to PIG Publisher, Porcus: PIG should come out with a new line of droopy, desperado drawers called "Gotcha".

Daring Commuter Tricks
When a 15 year old Bay State lad realized that he'd gotten on the wrong train, he panicked. Painfully aware that the commuter express he was riding would sail right past his stop without slowing down, Jake Todaro tried to talk the conductor into stopping just for him. When that failed, Jake decided to exit the hard way, so he - we're not making this up - jumped off the train while it was rolling along at a modest 25 to 30 mph clip. Battered, bruised, and a lot calmer, now, Jake sees the errors of his ways.

We'd like to believe that Jake learned his lesson, but we're a tough sell. That's why we're putting him in our human gene pool improvement "pending" file.

Old Ka-Boom Hits a Toughie
A Colorado denizen named Gary Missi achieved room temperature while riding his motorcycle in a thunderstorm. While he motored along at highway speeds, Gary caught Old Ka-Boom's eye and that combustible deity nailed him with a lightning bolt that left a nifty crater - 12 inches by 8 inches and 6 inches deep - in the asphalt. After a review by our panel of experts we're giving Old Ka-Boom bonus points for hitting a moving target. Our experts pegged the difficulty of this shot at an amazing "8" on PIG's legendary "Bolt Scale".

Extras:
Proving that dark humor isn't a PIG exclusive, the scribblers at the Denver Post straight-faced their way through: "Authorities were uncertain whether the lightning bolt or the resulting crash kill Missi". Does it really matter?

Car Stealing 101
A Canadian woman violated one of the prime car stealing directives when she stole a truck and got into a chase with the Edmonton (Canada) badge packers. Since she neglected rule one of car thievery - always check the gas gauge - her getaway came to an abrupt, chug, sputter wheeze, end. Cops plan to add $10,000 in stolen loot, plus the purloined truck, to the woman's 16 outstanding arrest warrants. She'll have ample graybar hotel time to brush up on her desperado basics.

Quotes of the Week
Source PIG News Wire [06/16/06]

The Terrorist Threat from Mexico
"The next terrorist is not going to come in through (Transportation Security Administration) screening at Kennedy airport. We already have information that people from the Middle East have come through the border from Mexico. They assimilate in Mexico learning to speak Spanish and adopt customs and then they cross the border into the United States." (Congressman Ted Poe, member of House Subcommittee on International Terrorism and Nonproliferation)

W's Refusal to Meet Law Enforcement Officials Who Patrol Our Southern Border
"The president is the busiest man in the world but he needs to take the time to talk to the border sheriffs and learn what's happening in the real world from them," Poe said. "We can't understand why he refuses to meet with them." (Congressman Poe)

"[W's refusal to meet with us is] a slap in the face to the hardworking men and women on the front lines of rural America who every day engage in border-security issues. He missed the opportunity to take off his White House cowboy boots and put some real cowboy boots on and walk in our shoes for a few minutes." (Rick Glancy, spokesman for Southwestern Sheriffs' Border Coalition)

W's Dangerously Myopic Priorities
"We need to expose the lack of border security before it is too late. We're fighting a war on terror in Iraq and we're winning, but we're losing our own border war..." (Congressman Poe)

"The president has basically pushed his whole administration's agenda toward the war on terror, yet he can't find the time to meet with law-enforcement leaders responsible for border security." (Andy Ramirez, chairman of Mexifornia-based Friends of the Border Patrol)

Fark Teasers
Source: Fark Internet Site

Information gleaned from Zarqawi raid leads to 452 additional raids in Iraq. In other news, the third annual Insurgent Pancake Dinner has been cancelled. [6/15/06]

If you want to get into an art gallery, don't go after they're closed. And don't use a brick to do it. But even if you do, try not to lock yourself out of your car. But even if you do, don't go to the bar next door to call a locksmith. [06/12/06]

Man facing criminal charges after shooting a disabled boy in the buttocks with pellet gun. Which might also be difficult to explain to his congregation, seeing as the man is a church pastor. [06/11/06]

Crime Stopper of the Week
Source: PIG's Golden Oinks 2006 [06/08/06]

If you know what's good for you, don't even think about messing with Lara McNeely. A Brit newspaper delivery girl, 14 year old Lara didn't hesitate when she spotted a punk making off with her co-worker, Stefan's, customized bike. Leaping into action, Lara mounted her bike and set off after the thief. Despite the thief's snarls and threats, Lara stayed after him for at least 10 minutes until the thief tired enough for her to knock him off the stolen bike. Pooped, the thief promised to ride back with her to return the bike, but when caught his second wind, he took off again with Lara hot on his heels. Eventually, thanks to Lara's shouts to "Give me my bike back it's not yours!" the thief abandoned the bike and tried to escape on foot. Thanks to Lara's dogged pursuit, her pal Stefan has his bike back and Lara got to enjoy the sight of the cops hauling the 16 year old thief off to the teenage punk suite of the local graybar hotel. The moral of this story is this: Don't mess with Lara, because she can probably kick your butt.

Psychobabble Downgrades "Rage"
Source: PIG's Golden Oink's 2006 [06/08/06]

Remember the good old days when shrinks turned everyday human frustrations into some kind of "rage"? At the time, creating another [fill in the blank] rage was...all the rage. Those glory days of psychobabble are long gone, a fact that's demonstrated by news that some shrink just affixed a new name to the most venerable of the rages, "road rage". Henceforth, let it be know throughout the realm that "road rage" is yesterday's news. Instead, we must call this shocking refusal to control oneself - drum roll - "intermittent explosive disorder".

According to a Washington Times piece, intermittent explosive disorder "involves multiple outburst that are way out of proportion to the situation." The spiffiest fact of all is that while intermittent explosive disorder can include road rage, all incidents of road rage don't, automatically qualify you for intermittent explosive disorder brain shrinkage. If you're a walking tamper tantrum and crave some couch time, run, don't walk, you your nearest mental health professional. If, on the other hand, you can't afford the luxury of a 21st century Sigmund Freud, PIG has your back: get over it, tantrum breath or we'll send Spike the Wonder Tyke to make you chill out.

Indicted By Their Own Words
Source: PIG News Wire [06/08]

Bean Spiller: Tony "Kool-Aid" Snow
The Spiffy Particulars: At a White House news conference, a World Net Daily reporter asked W's new spokeshole this question: "Article 4, Section 4 of the Constitution says, 'The United States shall guarantee to every state in the Union a republican form of government and shall protect each of them from foreign invasion.' My question is, does the president believe this foreign invasion means only armed invasion, or doesn't this also mean the invasion of millions of illegal immigrants?"

Tony's Kool-Aid Response: "I think what you are doing is you're attaching a martial connotation to something that does not have martial consequences. What the president has said – if you were talking about an invasion, he's made it clear that Mexico is not the enemy."

Bean Spiller: Greenpeace media flack Steve Smith
The Spiffy Particulars: Steve Smith let the cat out of the bag when he issued a self-incriminating memo in advance of W's visit to a nuclear power plant in Pottstown, Pennsylvania. In theory, the memo was a "fact sheet" that would expose the horrors of nuclear energy. In reality, it told the world more about Greenpeace than it did about nuclear energy:

'...This volatile and dangerous source of energy" is no answer to the country's energy needs, the memo, issued by Greenpeace Media Officer Steve Smith, read. Smith continued, apparently at a loss for words: "In the twenty years since the Chernobyl tragedy, the world's worst nuclear accident, there have been nearly [FILL IN ALARMIST AND ARMAGEDDONIST FACTOID HERE]."...' (WND)

D'oh, while appropriate, doesn't begin to get the job done on this one.

Bean Spillers: Seattle Public Schools
The Spiffy Particulars: The Educrats running Seattle's government schools got a tad too real on their website in a section that spewed the usual Korrectnik drivel about racism. We'll let Andrew J. Coulson, a guest columnist for the Seattle Post Intelligencer, do the heavy lifting on this gem:

'...According to the district's official Web site, "having a future time orientation" (academese for having long-term goals) is among the "aspects of society that overtly and covertly attribute value and normality to white people and Whiteness, and devalue, stereotype and label people of color."...'

'The site goes on immediately to say, "Emphasizing individualism as opposed to a more collective ideology" is another form of "cultural racism."...' (Post-Intelligencer)

Since these bean-spilling tidbits hit the VRWC news cycle with a resounding "splat", Seattle's Educrats pulled the web page down so they can find a somewhat stealthier way to spread their "white=individualism=racist, no exceptions" joy to those doomed to do penance in this Great Northwest Nitwit outpost of rampantly leftist Educrap.

Fark Teaser of the Week
Fark Internet Site

"It's bad form to have your cell phone ring during a wedding, especially if it plays the Kentucky Derby's "Call to the Post" just before the bride walks down the aisle." [05/27/06]

Quotes of the Week
Source: PIG News Wire [06/02/06]

RoveCo Kool-Aid Swilling Clown, Tony Snow on Border Jumpers
If you had a traffic ticket and you paid it, you're not forever a speeder, are you? So the fact is, you have paid your debt to society. And we have come up with a way to make sure that the debt to society gets paid. Then you move forward."

National Guard Top Dude, Lt. Gen. H. Steven Blum on Arming Guardsmen
"Any soldier assigned to a [border patrolling] mission where he would be placed in harm or danger, where his life would be threatened potentially, will in fact be armed and will have the inherent right of self-protection."

"If [a Guardsman] has to fire, he has a right to fire. There are judgment calls that have to be made by mature, disciplined soldiers, and I'm confident that these soldiers have the discipline, the training, and the experience and judgment to make the proper call or we wouldn't be employing them in this mission."

Special Awards Handed Out By PIG
Source: PIG's Golden Oinks 2006 [06/01/06]

Safety Demo of the Week: A Beserkeley (Mexifornia) oceanographer staged his annual "dangers of rip tides" demo and nearly got himself killed due to a - drum roll - rip tide that made it impossible to swim back to dry land. He survived, barely, after following his own advice by swimming parallel to the beach until he was out the rip tide's pull. He tried to claim that he planned the whole thing, but that won't pass the smell test.

Road Hazzard of the Week: An unadvertised feature of certain 2005 and 2006 model Chevy Corvettes allows the car's detachable roof to fly off while the car's in motion. As thrilling as this is for the car owner, it's a very special thrill for the poor bastard who is driving behind this fatally-flawed ride when it engages "convertible" mode without warning.

Road Hog of the Week: Larry Jacobs is the new road hog poster punk after he "deliberately" ran down a motorcycle rider in Myrtle Beach (South Carolina). Eyewitnesses report that Larry changed lanes to run over motorcyclist Makino Robinson, then watched Robinson land on his car hood and flail about trying not to get caught beneath the car's wheels. With all his synapses on strike, Larry watched Makino safely roll off the car's hood, then Larry continued driving for "several miles" with the motorcycle wedged beneath his ride.

Road Rage of the Week: A drugged out Largo (Florida) motorist named Joshua Orcutt thrilled everyone on Walsingham Road when he nailed a fire hydrant causing the whole street to flood. Just getting started, Joshua smashed through his car window with his fist then ran - we're not making this up - naked into several plate glass windows. Making a bid for understatement of the week, the proper authorities opined that Joshua "might" be under the influence of drugs.

Horticulturist of the Week: The Miami-Dade homeowner called the fire department when his abode caught fire, then got busted when the firemen found his thriving pot farm. In addition to the predictable fire damage, our horticulturist hero is looking at a laundry list of charges: trafficking in pot, grand theft of electrical power (the likely cause of the inferno) and child endangerment. Next time, plant some roses, horticulture breath.

Cell Idiocy Double-Header
Source: PIG News Wire [06/01]

Cell Idiots Are Mental Cases?
Cell Idiocy is burning into a boon for head shrinkers on a number of levels, but, by far, the most interesting is a gem the shrinks call 'ringxiety'. It a synaptic misfiring that makes the Cell Idiot in question answer his communications blight when it's not ringing. Mental health professionals explain that this malady is caused by a Cell Idiots emotional dependency on his technological ball and chain. If it rings, that gives the Cell Idiot's ego the relevant sense that he, she, heshe or it is important. But, the longer the damn thing stays silent, the more anxious the Cell Idiot get. Eventually some synapse goes wonky and generates imaginary ring tones to relieve the tension. Big, big fun.

Cambodian Cell Phone Ban
Former Khmer Rouge thug, Cambodian Prime Minister Hun Sen, just banned 3G cell phones throughout his land because - we're not making this up - his wife whined at him about it. The Prime Minister's ball and chain complained bitterly because she and her friends keep getting porn on them. The fun fact about 3G's Cambodian outlet is this: the phone service is too expensive for most Cambodians, so only those with deep pockets - like government officials and their wives - can afford them. The Prime Minister vows to wait as long as it takes for 3G to clean up its act: "We can wait 10 more years until we have managed to improve morality in society."

How much do you have to suck to get banned in Cambodia? Off the scale, PIGsters...off the scale.

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Quotes of the Week
Source: PIG News Wire [05/26/06]

National Border Patrol Council (Arizona Chapter) on W's Immigration Plan
"Every day that President Bush and the Senate hold real border security hostage to their misguided amnesty program, thousands upon thousands of illegal aliens continue to flood into the country. Make no mistake, most of them get by us. We are losing this war, and it's not even close."

"President Bush and the Senate do not 'get it' ... The American people 'get it': Shut the border down to illegal crossings, then start hammering the greedy employers who hire them. Start deporting, we repeat, deporting, the illegal aliens who are here in violation of law. It may take years, but you don't build a house overnight...Promising more amnesty is not going to dissuade anyone from coming here. Rewarding the lawbreakers with amnesty is not going to solve anything. It just demonstrates that there are rewards for breaking our laws." (For more info on NBPC local 2544, visit their web site at www.local2544.org)

Chris Simcox, President of the Minuteman Civil Defense Corps on the Senate's Treasonous Immigration Antics
"The arrogance and cavalier disregard of the will of the American people by this Senate will not be forgotten-there will be an accounting. The American people are still sovereign in this country, not a gaggle of politicians pandering to their special interest donors. The existing border crisis is a dereliction of duty by those entrusted with this nation's security, sovereignty and prosperity. The U.S. Senate just left America vulnerable to a tsunami of migrants at the border, to terrorist infiltration and to an unprecedented crime wave by drug smugglers, thieves, rapists, human traffickers and murderers who cross our frontier at will and whose bravado and aggression will now increase with the Senate's message of our apparent national weakness."

Senator Robert C Byrd on W's Refusal to Fund Border Security
"The sense of urgency that comes with deploying the National Guard is belied by the administration's consistent opposition to providing the necessary resources that our border security agencies need to do their jobs."

Wimp of the Week
Source: PIG News' International Correspondent Andrew [05/25/06]

While he was renovating the back of his abode with a local builder, a panty-wearing Welsh punk named Morien Jones, was shocked, shocked I tell you, when he spotted his next-door neighbor, Lynett Burgess, sunbathing in the nude. The instant Ms. Burgess appeared stark naked, this nadless girlie punk got out his video camera and filmed his neighbor's dastardly crime. With his panties in a wad, Morien whined:

"She walked back and fore completely naked - I went to get my video camera to record the incident. I have been extremely shaken by this. It has been very upsetting and worrying. I don't want to bring up my children in such an environment." (BBC)

This girliepunk found kindred spirits in the local prosecutor's office the instant he showed them his "proof". The taped "evidence" prompted the forces of justice to accuse Lynett Burgess of behavior that's "not normal". A local Magistrate had more sense than girliepunk Jones or the prosecutors so he quickly ruled that Lynette didn't intend to "cause harm or distress". We're more than a tad annoyed that the Magistrate didn't order Morien Jones to "grow a pair", but we can learn to live with our disappointment. What we can't tolerate is an alleged man who deems the sight of a naked female "very upsetting and worrying". Morien Jones needs to be neutered, stat, because he no longer deserves to be called a man.

Forgetfulness Pays Big Bucks
Source: Quad City Times (Davenport, Iowa) [05/20/06]

A bout of forgetfulness paid off, big time, for a Hawkeye State denizen named Ova Lee Lucas. This enriching dose of "did I or didn't I", helped Ova nail the Iowa State Lottery's $100,000 Cash Game for - this is not a typo - $200,000. That's right, he won twice the posted prize. How? Ova forgot that he already purchased a lottery ticket bearing his lucky numbers - 3-12-21-23-30 - so he went down and bought a second ticket bearing the same lucky numbers. By the time the lottery's winning numbers were posted, Ova found his first ticket, then cashed his winning tickets in for a spiffy $140,000 after taxes.

PIG News congratulates Ova and wonders if there's some way to make our forgetfulness equally enriching.

Names in the News
Source: PIG News Wire [05/19/06]

Karl Rove
A week ago, the hottest rumor circulating among the hard core lefties was that W's main man, Karl Rove, was destined to be nailed by Special Prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald. One blog posted this breathless, slobber-soaked prose: "Sources said Fitzgerald was in Washington, DC, Friday and met with Luskin for about 15 hours to go over the charges against Rove, which include perjury and lying to investigators about how and when Rove discovered that Valerie Plame Wilson was a covert CIA operative and whether he shared that information with reporters, sources with direct knowledge of the meeting said...Sources close to the case said Friday that it appeared very likely that an obstruction charge against Rove would be included with charges of perjury and lying to investigators."

Big, big, fun, and, so far, nowhere to be found in the Rove-hating mainstream media. If special Prosecutor Fitzgerald painted on Bull's-eye on Karl, he's keeping it to himself, for now. We do have one PIGish question: If Karl lands in the justice system hot seat, who is going to mix the VRWC Kool-Aid for Hannity, Medved and Elder? That question may remain a while longer since, to date, no charges have been filed against Rove, by any damn body. As far as we can tell, this hot lefty rumor did a noisy and, hopefully, painful belly-flop.

Eduardo Kennedy I
According to a story in my local fishwrap, Mother Nature had some fun at Eduardo The Swimmer Kennedy's expense, when she nailed a plane in which he was flying with a bolt of lightning. According to the fishwrap "The eight-seat Cessna Citation 550 plane lost all electrical power, including communications and the pilot had to fly the plan manually..." (AP). As fun as this sounds, and it's loads of fun, I some pesky "issues" arising from the story.

It's obvious that Mother Nature wasn't serious about taking out The Swimmer, because, given his ample girth, he's damn hard to miss. We suspect, that, like us, Mother Nature has a perverse fondness this marathon swimming gas bag who is, after all, good for comic relief, but not much else. We can't explain how anybody managed to shoehorn this bloated gas bag in a, relatively-speaking, puny aircraft that only seats 8 normal size adults. However, after Mother Nature scared those tons of The Swimmer, it was a lot easier to get what's left of him out again.

Kudos are conferred on Mother Nature for throwing a scare into The Swimmer and doing it with such spectacular efficiency.

Eduardo The Swimmer II
Call us names if you must, but we swear it's true. The instant somebody told us about the floods ravaging the Northeastern United States, we said: "That's what happens when Teddy Kennedy jumps into his swimming pool without warning his neighbors ahead of time." Is that groaning I hear out there in PIGster land? I defy you to come up with a more PIG-worthy explanation. Next time, Eduardo, file the damn environmental impact report before you take that plunge.

Newt Gingrich
This week, Newt Gingrich sounded off on the disgusting spectacle of the senate flushing American sovereignty down the crapper. He made these comments before the Heritage Foundation's report blew the lid off the senate bill's dirty secrets:

"I am very worried that the Republican leadership in the Senate and potentially the White House are just going to end up very alienated from the vast majority of Americans on this issue," Gingrich told Human Events in an exclusive interview. "The Senate bill is an absolute disaster."

"The Senate is drifting toward a disaster of the first order," Gingrich said. "The bill they're looking at is a bad bill. It violates, in almost every case, what the American people want."

"If there is an honest debate about how many million people will be given a chance to come to America under the Senate bill, we're told the number is between 30 million and 36 million people. When the average American learns that, they are going to be furious if the Senate Republicans allow that kind of bill out of the Senate. The Senate bill expands substantially who can be brought in as a member of the family. So you take 11 million and add the other people, and we believe the real number is between 30 million and 36 million." (All Gingrich quotes lifted from a World Net Daily article.)

Rush Limbaugh
Rush sounded off on the open borders cretins idea of a "Virtual Fence" with this inspired quote: "Build a virtual fence around the White House, and try it out there. Build a virtual fence around the capitol, and try it out there. If it works, then go ahead and try it on our borders."

Fidel Castro
The world's most venerable commie tyrant, Fidel Castro, double dog dared Uncle Sam to prove a Forbes magazine report that he has liberated a pile of cash from his country. "If they prove that I have an account abroad, I will resign from my position, from my current responsibilities." Translation: You American dogs will never find where I hid it. Neener, neener, neener."

Donald Trump
The combover king, Donald Trump, is going toe-to-toe with the hacks running Rancho Palos Verdes (Mexifornia) over a street's name. The Donald wants to change "Ocean Drive" to "Trump National Drive", but, so far, city officials aren't thrilled spitless by the idea. The might...might, mind you...consider The Donald's idea, if he would agree to change the name of a local golf course from "Trump National Gulf Club" to "Trump National Golf Club Rancho Palos Verdes".

"As soon as I see a business card that says 'Trump National Golf Club Palos Verdes,' I'll vote for naming it Trump Drive," (Rancho Palos Verdes Councilman Peter Gardiner)

The Donald needs to get over himself.

Pat Robertson
Somebody forgot to give Pat Robertson his medication recently, prompting him to share this hot off the Celestial Smiting Hotline revelation from Old Ka-Boom:

"If I heard the Lord right about 2006, the coasts of America will be lashed by storms, there well may be something as bad as a tsunami in the Pacific Northwest."

For those who need a translation, PIG's resident smiting expert interprets Pat's prose this way: "Thus sayeth the Lord, Keep thy life preserver handy that it may be well with thee."

Fark Teasers of the Week
Source: Fark Internet Site

"If you're serving on a jury in Kentucky, do not send the defense lawyer an email criticizing the state's case against his client, even if you really, really believe they couldn't prosecute their way out of a wet paper bag." [05/18/06]

"Scientists develop new method to measure happiness involving a highly technical scale of 1-10, where 10 involves free beer and a threesome with Jessica Alba and her nymphomaniac twin sister." [05/15/06]

"Vatican says of Da Vinci Code: "...shows mass ignorance... and promotes products that have nothing to do with the truth." Irony meter off the scale." [05/15/06]

"Peugeot workers demonstrate to convince buyers not to buy Peugeot cars because Peugeot is closing plant because people are not buying enough Peugeots. The circle of failure is complete." [05/14/06]

Quote of the Week
Source: PIG News Wire [05/12/06]

Rosary True Believer Bishop Says "Sue those Da Vince Code Bastards"
"Christians must not just sit back and say it is enough for us to forgive and to forget. Sometimes it is our duty to do something practical. So it is not I who will tell all Christians what to do but some know legal means which can be taken in order to get the other person to respect the rights of others. This is one of the fundamental human rights: that we should be respected, our religious beliefs respected, and our founder Jesus Christ respected[...] Those who blaspheme Christ and get away with it are exploiting the Christian readiness to forgive and to love even those who insult us. There are some other religions which if you insult their founder they will not be just talking. They will make it painfully clear to you." (Cardinal Francis Arinze)

The Forever Stamp
Source: PIG News Wire [05/04/06]

The red-ink wranglers at a cosmic rathole called the United States Post Office have a new idea to distract rational adults from the perpetual increase in stamp prices. That's right USPS fans, despite January 2006's 2 cent increase in stamp prices, these red ink wrangers are already whining for another stamp price increase. The bad news is that it will bump the prices from 39 cents to 42 cents. The "good" news is that they're running a new notion up the money pit rathole called, "the forever stamp". That's right, the "forever stamp".

What, you ask, is a "forever stamp"? It's a stamp that eliminates the need for new stamps whenever the USPS tries to stem the red ink tide by raising stamp prices. A "forever" stamp remains good, no matter what the new stamp price is. It means that if you buy it for 42 cents and the stamp price goes up to 50 cents, your "forever" stamp is street legal, without any extra postage. No more 2 or 3 cent stamps cluttering up your snail mail. Bold new concept. Call us names if you must, but PIG suspects that the USPS wants these "forever" stamps, because it will hide the sky high stamp prices from sovereign, snail mail using individuals.

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Sprint's Folly
Source: PIG News Wire [04/26/06]

When he signed up with Sprint for his cell phone services, Dane Gabrielson didn't have a problem with the $68/month tab. That all changed when his Wisconsin National Guard unit got called up and he shipped out to Iraq. Foolishly thinking that Sprint's bean counters had a single patriotic bone in their body, Dane and his mother, Tamara, contacted Sprint to see if they'd cut them some slack by letting Dane out of his cell phone agreement. Sprint's bean counters responded with an unconditional "bite me".

Sprint is trying to sing a new tune, now that the News Nitwits, plus some Wisconsin legicrats are roasting Sprint over a raging fire. Despite their "can't we all get along" drivel, Sprint deserves a bitch-slapping for playing these bean counter games with one of our fighting men who is risking his life in Iraq. If your Sprint cell phone deal is up for renewal we suggest that you consider dumping them like a bad habit.

Not Your Daddy's Barbershop
Source: New Hampshire Boob Tube [04/25/06]

A Salem (New Hampshire) hair wrangler is determined to Emerilize the familiar haircut, by hiring female hairstylists and dressing these follicle-floggers in lingerie. You don't need Nostradamus to predict that the usual suspects aren't thrilled spitless. Some cranky Salem denizen hope they can classify "Paradise Cuts" as a "sexually-oriented business", a classification that's a virtual kiss of death. The man behind Paradise Cuts, Peter Carlino, explains his bold new hair-cutting concept with these well chosen words:

"This is strictly about cutting hair and marketing. You've got girls who wear less clothing on a daily basis than the girls who will be cutting hair." (WMUR)

Will Peter put the thrill back in the traditional haircut? When we know, you'll know.

Fark Teasers of the Week
Source: Fark Internet Site

"Man's plan to steal ATM and soda with backhoe goes well until backhoe's shortcomings as a getaway vehicle make themselves known." [04/18/06]

"Magazine lists the six best campgrounds in Montana, five of which are in Wyoming." [04/17/06]

"Elvira, Mistress of the Dark pitches new reality show, ignoring the fact that there have only ever been two reasons to want to watch her on TV, and that was 20 perkier years ago." [04/17/06]

Quotes Worth Repeating
Source: PIG News Wire [04/21/06]

Oval Office Contender, Senator George Allen on immigration
"[For] the people out there in the real world . . . this is a hot issue. I think the Senate needs to put the pedal to the metal, get moving, make decisions and first and foremost, secure the borders....We should not reward illegal behavior because all you'll get is more illegal behavior. Now we have approximately 11 million in the country illegally. Twenty years from now we're going to have 20 million. We need to do this right, do it properly and learn from history."

Nicholas Provenzo on Free Speech in America
"By treating Islam with kid gloves because its adherents threaten violent retaliation if their sensitivities are offended, Comedy Central has signaled that anyone who is violent can control what others may say. Comedy Central has also signaled the larger problem: our government has not stepped up and properly defended our freedom. No American should ever have to fear violent reprisal for his speech, yet when in recent months has our government unequivocally defended this right?"

"...Freedom means freedom from others-if we have a "responsibility to be thoughtful about others," then our own ideas and interests take back seat to their concerns. The right to our life, liberty and the freedom to pursue our own happiness evaporates as meaningless abstraction. And If the president of the United States of America can not articulate the moral meaning of freedom and is unwilling to defend it against mindless savages, this nation has lost its way." (Capitalism Magazine commentary)

Fark Teasers of the Week
Source: Fark Internet Site

"Mexicans to boycott US businesses on May 1, country expected to lose $37.00 in revenue." [04/14/06]

"Rallies across U.S. call for illegal immigrant rights. Rallies for burglar rights, tax evader rights, and drunk driver rights to follow." [04/11]

"United States warns Venezuela about recent "thuggish" international activity. Pot meet kettle. Kettle, pot." [04/11]

"Suddenly realizing that bulldozers, tanks and cruise missiles don't just materialize out of thin air, Hamas hints at recognizing Israel" [04/08/06]

Border Jumping Scumbag News
Source: PIG News Wire [04/14/06]

Detroit (Michigan)
A Motor City meat packing firm, Wolverine Packing Co., made our week when they fired 15 "immigrant" women who attended a "border jumping scumbags are cool" street protest on March 27. The company insists that it issued warnings "written and verbally" that employee attendance was mandatory on the day of the rally. Our news sources report that all the woman are Mexican natives, of which an unspecified number are border jumping cretins.

Seattle (Washington)
The capitalists running Laitala Enterprises, a rain-soaked painting contractor, recently fired one-fourth of their work force - all of them Taco Clan. The pink slips where issued when the employees attended a "border jumping scumbags are cool" rally in Seattle instead of staying on the job. As expected the two sides of this issue have different views of the firing.

"Just because the owner doesn't agree with their cause, that's not a reason to fire somebody." (Jorge Quiroga, chief agitator for Seattle's border jumping scumbag rally)

"We weren't going to let 17 people leave early for basically no excused absence. We let people leave early if their family is sick. They didn't have a reason. I mean, they did, but none that fit into our policy..." (Company owner, Terry Laitala)

The workers filed a grievance when Terry Laitala refused to reinstate them. In a rational world, that would end the matter, but this is Seattle, a city that resides in the heart of Twilight Zone. If anything fun happens, we'll serve up all the juicy details.

Global Warming Facts
Source: Sunday Telegraph (UK) [04/09/06]

This Brit fishwrap served up some egregiously under-publicized Global Warming facts that bear repeating:

Whopper: Human-caused climate change - Global Warming - needs our immediate and urgent attention.

'...official temperature records of the Climate Research Unit at the University of East Anglia, [demonstrate] that for the years 1998-2005 global average temperature did not increase (there was actually a slight decrease, though not at a rate that differs significantly from zero)...' (Telegraph)

Whopper: Manmade Global Warming between 1970 and 1998 is the smoking gun on human culpability in climate change.

'...a period of similar warming occurred between 1918 and 1940, well prior to the greatest phase of world industrialisation, and that cooling occurred between 1940 and 1965, at precisely the time that human emissions were increasing at their greatest rate...' (Telegraph)

Whopper: Global Warming is the greatest climate-related threat to humanity.

'...Climate changes naturally all the time, partly in predictable cycles, and partly in unpredictable shorter rhythms and rapid episodic shifts, some of the causes of which remain unknown. We are fortunate that our modern societies have developed during the last 10,000 years of benignly warm, interglacial climate. But for more than 90 per cent of the last two million years, the climate has been colder, and generally much colder, than today. The reality of the climate record is that a sudden natural cooling is far more to be feared, and will do infinitely more social and economic damage, than the late 20th century phase of gentle warming...' (Telegraph)

Will objective reality stem this Global Warming hysteria? Probably not, because too many Climatological Chicken Little's have staked their professional future on using Global Warming to destroy capitalism.

Heckling Comrade Hillary
Source: PIG News Wire [04/09/06]

During a speech at Brown University, Hillary "I want to be America's first Marxist President" Clinton got up close and personal with some hecklers. We know what you're thinking, Sparky, but these hecklers where assaulting this terminally-lefty wench from her left, not right, political flank. As hard as it must be to swallow, there are a growing number of alleged humans who are mad as hell because Comrade Hillary isn't lefty enough to satisfy them. In this instance, the Brown University hecklers were far from thrilled spitless that Hillary hasn't done an unequivocal Murtha and demanded a complete, immediate withdrawal of all troops from Iraq. We suspect that a vow from Comrade Hillary that her first official, Oval Office act will be the issue a full, and complete apology to Osama and his murderous Islamikaze pinheads would appease these way lefties.

Fark Teasers of the Week
Source: Fark Internet Site

"Chiropractor claims he can cure patients by going back in time to when their injuries occurred. Investigators prepare to send him back in time to when he had no chiropractic license." [04/06/06]

"Southern Tennessee radio station switches to Air America and promptly disappears from the ratings. Bonus: It was a Top 10 station when it played elevator music." [04/06/06]

"Woman who thought she was getting a great deal on a flat screen TV, finds out she actually bought an oven door instead." [04/01/06]

Why Didn't You Stop Me?
Source: PIG News Wire [04/01/06]

A New Market (Maryland) wench named Tyler C. Bauer admits that, when she was a too young to drink 17, she snuck into a charity bartender contest at a local TGI Friday's pit stop. Furthermore, she admits that she willingly consumed adult beverages that an 18 year old friend purchased for her. She's equally forthcoming about the fact that she got gunned to the gills (blood alcohol was three times the limit at an impressive 0.238) before she staggered out of the pit stop. Her antics caught up with her in TGI Friday's parking lot where she did a face plant from the back of a pickup truck into the pavement, shattering her teeth and playing havoc with her lips and gums in the process.

Now that's she's a venerable 18 years old, Tyler is ready to fix the blame where it belongs. Unable to resolve the mystery of her mirror, where the real culprit can be found, Tyler went shyster bonkers with a lawsuit against TGI Fridays. They should have stopped her from consuming those adult beverages that her friend purchased for her, she insists. She's willing to forgive them for a bargain basement $200,000. The tragedy in this story, aside from Tyler's inability to take full responsibility for her own actions, is this: TGI Fridays will probably pay her because fighting her in court will probably cost them a lot more than $200,000.

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The Cheek-Turning Youth Minister Caper
Source: PIG News Wire [03/31/06]

Based on his antics, a Liberty [Missouri] youth minister named David Boudreaux missed the Holy Roller lessons on "turning the other cheek". A unnamed 16 year old lad found this out the hard way during a game of dodgeball when he missed David with the first throw, but nailed him solidly on the second, sending David's glasses flying. According to the cops, the lad apologized immediately, expecting, no doubt, that per his Cross Cult training, David would "turn the other cheek". Instead of that venerable, requisite, response, David flattened the lad, then kicked the lad in the nads when he got up again.

Now that he's up to speed on David's peculiar notion of "turning the other cheek" the lad has ample time to ponder life's mysteries while he copes with blood in his urine, whiplash and post-concussion syndrome. David Boudreaux has his own crosses to bear, but he'll be bearing them in the courtroom when he faces assault charges. Bring this epic full circle, David's employer, the Crescent Lake Christian Academy, didn't turn the other cheek either, where David is concerned. Instead, they put him on "administrative leave". PIG News is tempted to ask for a rousing "amen" from the congregation, but we suspect that the congregation isn't in the mood to "turn the other cheek" either.

Heads In The Clouds
Source: PIG News Wire [03/26/06]

Some Swiss and Israeli neurologists are playing chicken with a celestial smiting, thanks to an article they've written in a journal called "Medical Hypotheses". Noting that Moses, Jesus and Mohammed had "revelations" while alone in the mountains, these scientists opine that their experiences were caused by earthly, not supernatural, forces.

The scientists note that sensing a presence, feeling afraid and experiencing lights are common occurrences among mountaineers. What's being interpreted as prophecy - the scientists opine - are the effects of heights on the merely mortal:

"Different functions relying on brain areas such as the temporo-parietal junction and the prefrontal cortex have been suggested to be altered in altitude. Moreover, acute and chronic hypoxia significantly affect the temporo-parietal junction and the prefrontal cortex and both areas have also been linked to altered own body perceptions and mystical experiences." (Medical Hypotheses article)

If someone has Pat Robertson on speed dial, give him a call and share this thrilling news. He's overdue for another newsworthy outburst.

Fark Teaser of the Week
Source: Fark Internet Site

Conspiracy nuts go to Venezuela to ask Hugo Chavez to investigate 9/11 attacks, creating a black hole of crazy that could engulf the entire western hemisphere. [03/31]

Turns out "Larry The Cable Guy: Health Inspector" may not be the 21st century "Citizen Kane". [03/28]

Fark Teasers of the Week
Source: Fark Internet Site

"GM to build more SUVs. When in a hole, hire a steam shovel." [03/22]

"Pat Robertson miffed: Duct tape named world's greatest tool." [03/22]

"Incan women sat on a stone phallus while priests poured corn beer on them, eschewing more popular conception method of pouring beer in them." [03/22]

The World's Most Dedicated Employee
Source: PIGster News Tip [03/17/06]

George Turklebaum is a slam dunk for the world's most dedicated employee. Believe it or not, George stayed at his desk an impressive five day after he achieved room temperature. A proof-reader at an unnamed publishing firm, George's dedication went unnoticed by the 23 other employees who share his cubicle farm. Although he died of a heart attack on Monday, George's differently-alive condition wasn't validated until Saturday when an office cleaner made the call.

Trying to spin this sorry episode, George's boss, Elliot Wachiaski, fell on a sword for the publishing firm with this sterling prose:

"George was always the first guy in each morning and the last to leave at night, so no one found it unusual that he was in the same position all that time and didn't say anything. He was always absorbed in his work and kept much to himself." (NY Times)

The ultimate irony is this: George was proofreading manuscripts for medical textbooks when he made the transition to room temperature employee status.

Fark Teasers of the Week
Source: Fark Internet Site

"Ways not to get a job at the CIA: Tell the guard that God sent you, and then assume a fighting stance when he says go away." [03/16/06]

"Wildfires continue to rage across Texas. Pat Robertson still trying to figure out what God is trying to say exactly." [03/16/06]

Fark Teasers of the Week
Source: Fark Internet Site

"Canada's Walk of Fame inductees announced. Pamela Anderson, Alex Trebek, Paul Shaffer, Brendan Fraser, Robert Goulet. It's like a "Who's Who" of suckage." [03/09/06]

"Scientists decry plan to hit golf ball from International Space Station, showing once again why they are rarely invited to parties." [03/05/06]

"Woman climbs over a 3-feet-high wood-and-wire fence, scales an 8-foot-tall artificial rock structure, and bypasses an electric wire to enjoy the privilege of being smacked silly by an annoyed elephant." [03/05/06]

Fark Teasers of the Week
Source: Fark Internet Site

"Ohio University campus restaurant closed due to an unknown "suspicious item." Experts brought in from Ohio State University reveal the item to be a textbook." [03/02/06]

"Firefighters attack blaze with hoses. Homeowner attacks firefighters with sword. Police attack homeowner with stun gun. The circle of life is complete." [03/01/06]

Weekly Fun Facts Roundup
Source: Page One PIG's "Today's Fun Fact" [03/04/06]

Sunday
Ray Nagen, the Big Easy's mayor, is up for re-election and, apparently, somebody is worried that he could be ousted because many of his constituents are living outside the state. Fear not, Ray fans, the Louisiana legicrats relaxed the rules about absentee ballots, plus it has allowed for "satellite voting stations" throughout the state. That sounds nifty, but it didn't satisfy everybody. The primary problem is that the Big Easy's current population - about 150,000 hardy souls - is predominantly white.

Some voting-rights activists and groups like the NAACP went to federal court demanding that voting booths for the New Orleans mayoral election be set up, from sea to shining sea, wherever Hurricane Katrina refugees were relocated. The judge shot that down, so, unless the plaintiffs get some help up the federal judicial food chain, Big Easy denizens living elsewhere must grab an absentee ballot if they want to save Ray Nagen's political bacon. For now, Ray needs to keep the appropriate parts of his body crossed hoping that the mailers sent out to all those displaced families will prompt them to bag those absentee ballots and punch an absentee ballot chad for Ray Nagen.

Monday
An epic about some thieves boosting a tractor-trailer rig in West Bend, Wisconsin isn't PIG-worthy, unless, the truck was filled with brewskies with a street value of $25,788. The truck was too big to hide, but by the time the proper authorities found it, it was empty. If you live in the West Bend area, be on the lookout for some brewskie lover with a mountain of empties in his front yard and the King of all Hangovers.

Maybe it's all those "Free State" project invaders, maybe it's the harsh winter, but New Hampshire Governor John Lynch hates the state's warm fuzzy border signs. The new border signs show a peaceful little village and say "You're going to love it here", but John Lynch wants new, ominous signs bearing the state's motto: "Live Free or Die".

Tuesday
Last Friday, responding to complaints from "businesses and shoppers" Orange (Mexifornia) cops rounded up 8 day laborers lurking outside a Home Depot. Citing a city ordinance that outlaws soliciting work in a private business's parking lot, the cops arrested them. After determining that the "laborers" lacked proper identification - the 8 laborers admitted to being border jumpers - the cops carted the 8 invaders to the San Clemente Border Patrol checkpoint and turned them over. Saturday, spooked by the arrests, day laborers avoided the Home Depot parking lot like it was tainted with Ebola. Just in case brain dead Chico didn't get the word from the grapevine, a police van was parked in the parking lot near signs - in English and Spanish - forbidding solicitation of work. Yer outta here, Chico!

Wednesday
It could only happen in Italy: Two vets and a pill pusher (pharmacist) hatched the bright idea that feeding horses Viagra would make them run faster. As insane as this sounds, here, it resonated so majorly in the D-Cup heartland that several horse owners deemed the notion an idea whose time has come. Assuming that Viagra has the same effect on stallions as it does on dudes, color us very confused. Based on our extensive testing, it's damn near impossible to run when you're packing wood. Wood = Waddle.

Hmm. Stallions on Viagra? I'll refrain, with considerable difficulty from commenting on a report that "A great number of people turned out at weekends for the races...". The sacrifices I'm forced to make...sigh.

Thursday
Joe Farren, spokespunk for The Wireless Association is having a hissy fit over a new high tech paint created by a Rochester (New York) company called "NaturalNano". And why, you ask is Joe going postal over paint? Because it's not your garden variety paint. According to NaturalNano president Michael Riedlinger, the paint can be "switched between blocking cell phone signals and letting them through". Michael Riedliner paints a compelling picture of his product in action: "You could use this in a concert hall, allowing cell phones to work before the concert and during breaks, but shutting them down during the performance."

You don't need a crystal ball, Nostradamus or tarot cards to predict that Joe hates the idea: "We oppose any kind of blocking technology." Bite me, cell punk scumbag!

Friday
By a 7-3 vote, San Francisco's Board of Supervisors passed a resolution that asks Mexifornia's Donkey Clan congresspunks to find some damn way to impeach President George W. Bush, for "mishandling the war in Iraq and cutting civil liberties". If anyone out there is shocked, you need to increase the voltage on your shock treatments. The only shock about this political potshot is the fact that three supervisors voted against it. It's also noteworthy that the Gulag's Mayor Gavin Newsome found the Board's antics amusing. You'll have to cut Gavin some slack. He's been very busy dating CSI Miami hottie, Sofia Milos while he's shedding his TV commentator wife, Kimberly Guilfoyle.

Saturday
According to the screaming AP headline "SUV runs into group injuring six at UNC", another oversized ride went publically postal. Unaided by human intervention, it vented its antisocial rage by running down the college students gathered at a popular area called "The Pit". As fun as this "renegade SUV" epic is, it gets much, much better.

It turns out that this antisocial SUV had human assistance from a former University of North Carolina student named Mohammed Reza Taheriazar. The proper authorities are loath to pin a motive on Mohammed, but that didn't stop the cops from charging him with "multiple counts of assault with a deadly weapon with intent to kill". A Muslim dude tries to kill innocent Americans? We're shocked, shocked, I tell you.

---

Weekly Fun Facts Roundup
Source: Page One PIG's "Today's Fun Fact" [02/25]

Sunday
After coming out on the short end of a private transaction, a bright bulb, Hans-Juergen Bendt, stumbled down to the Darmstadt cops to complain about the sorry quality of the goods he purchased. Claiming "fraud", Hans whined that the weed he purchased was, in fact, "completely un–enjoyable". Amazed, and probably amused, the cops offered Hans civic accommodations for illegally purchasing and possessing narcotics. Book the fool, Klaus.

Arizona's senate just passed a bill that would allow local law enforcement purveyors to use trespassing laws to arrest border jumping scumbags who are in the state illegally. This would, in theory, allow local law enforcement to deal with border jumping scumbags who elude the feds at the border. As fun as this sounds, it still requires action from the state's house then a signature from Arizona's Donkey Clan governor. Still, even if it's only partially effective, it will give border jumping scumbags one more thing to worry about. It's a shame Arizona can't harken back to those good old frontier days when "find 'em, shoot 'em, bury 'em" was law enforcement SOP.

Monday
The Iowa Association of Business and Industry consists of 1,500 Hawkeye State capitalists who pool their all their resources to promote business in Iowa. Given the organization's stated purpose it's just a tad ironic that this year, their annual convention will be held in South Sioux City...Nebraska. Continuing this curious, inexplicable, trend, they'll be playing their golf in nearby Dakota Dunes, which is, as you probably guessed, in South Dakota. When some smirky rational adults raised these fun facts, a spokesdolt got huffy and spewed drivel about "a regional economy". Fair enough, so why is it still called the Iowa Association of Business and Industry?

Given the endless list of things that set off "religion of peace" adherents, it might be a lot simpler to compile a list of things that don't "insult Islam". We'll be amazed if they can come up with three non-Islamic things that don't send them on a rampage.

Tuesday
We hear that Miami Dolphins running back, Ricky "Weed" Williams' efforts to revive his career hit a speed bump, recently, when he failed a drug test. Since this the fourth time that Ricky's career careened off the straight and narrow into the drug testing "weeds", he's probably facing a suspension for the entire 2006 season. We can't be the first ones to opine that Ricky seems to be a couple tacos short of a combination plate.

According to Wolf Blither, Jimmy Carter - yes that moron - opined that W and his minions made the right decision when they gave the United Arab Emirates the nod to run the operations at 6 of our biggest ports. If I had any doubts that this UAE scam is a god awful idea, those doubts are gone now. Every rational adult on the planet knows that Jim's approval is the kiss of death.

More than 100 Virginia motorists turned a stretch if I-64 into a tow truck driver's worse nightmare after a playful Mother Nature dusted the highway with less than an inch of snow. If these snow rookies listen carefully, they can hear snowbound New Englanders laughing like mental patients

Wednesday
Our spies inform us that some PIG "fans" are using PIG terminology out there on their own web site, without giving us credit. One term we spotted - Mecca Maniac - is a PIG original. We're thrilled that someone likes our allegedly clever prose, but it would be even better if they gave us credit, where it's due. Don't make us send Spike the Wonder Tyke after you. (More on this in PIG Prattle.)

According to the usual informed sources, someone in a position of authority in L. A. is seriously considering putting Mexifornia's infamous Plus Size, Differently-Heterosexual Marxist hackette in charge of the Los Angeles Unified School District. That's right, public school Sparky, some motherless moron wants to put Hurricane Jackie Goldberg in charge of the LAUSD. As bad ideas go, this one is breath-taking.

Speaking of cosmically bad ideas, W came out swinging yesterday in his defense of the decision to hand over 6 major American ports to the United Arab Emirates. He's vowed to veto any legicrap that would nuke the deal. That would, in case you're just waking from a coma, be his first presidential veto.

Thursday
Is it something we said: Bay State panties are in a major wad, thanks to an ad put out by a discount store named Building 19. Known for it's "quirky sales circulars", the store thrilled hypersensitive pinheads spitless with an ad that described sleeveless t-shirts as "wife-beaters". Faster than a burning bra ember, the company was informed of its insensitivity when advocates for domestic violence victims went postal with thrilling prose about "suggesting that battering is a normal behavior". After the furor hit fever pitch, the designated company spokesdolt, Jerry Ellis fell on his sword with an abject apology.

Bugs Bunny with an attitude problem: A large, terminally cranky hare accosted a Norwegian woman named Wenche Offerdal while she was out driving her dogsled team. According to Wenche, the critter ran straight toward the huskies, jumped in the middle of the dogs, got into a staring contest with them, then bitch-slapped a couple mutts with its paw before jumping out of harm's way. Are we the only ones wondering if this badass bunny is named Osama bin Bunny and was on a one bunny jihad over those damn Muhammad cartoons?

Friday
A bloviating Bolivian legicrat got a timely reality check from Uncle Sam when she tried to get a visa to the USA to promote her favorite agricultural product, coca. After Uncle Sam turned the wench down, an outraged, Leonilda Zurita vilified Uncle Sam's antics as "an offense against Bolivian women". Yeah, right darlin', and your black-flagged visa had nothing to do with the fact that one of the primary derivatives of your beloved coca is cocaine. Did you ever consider that Uncle Sam's chilly response might be a response to your favorite rant: "Long live coca, Death to the Yankees!"?

A dim bulb named Gary Arthur played human gene pool improvement chicken with Mother Nature and grabbed that "you've just been de-selected" brass ring. The fun started when he decided to boost some airplane parts off a B-1 Bomber at an Air and Space Museum. Everything went about as well as can be expected when, our hero broke into the museum, got up close and personal with the aircraft, then turned into a human popsicle. His fate was sealed the instant he decided it was a nifty notion to perpetrate his crime, outdoors, at night, in the dead of winter, in far from balmy South Dakota. Plant 'em, Dano.

Saturday
Boom! You're dead, scumbag: We hear that a top Hamas bomb maker managed to blow himself up while teaching aspiring Islamikazes how to make bombs. We suspect that his last words were the Palestinian equivalent of "And whatever you do, never connect this and this". Have fun in hell you rat bastard.

Dumber than a box of rocks: Mailing a package filled with weed is not, in and of itself, a fatally-flawed idea unless you forget to affix an address label. A Mill Valley (Mexifornia) denizen Steven Coburn did put his return address label on the package and that nifty detail was greatly appreciated by the proper authorities. The shipping company found the weed, when, per their protocol, they opened the package to see if the address label was left inside. Their search for the label hit a speed bump the instant they discovered Steve's pot.

Cops were alerted, then dispatched to Steve's abode - the one on that tattletale return address label - where they found more of the illegal weed. Steve will need new return address labels, when he takes up residence in the graybar hotel. Light 'em if you've got 'em. We promise not to tell.

Fark Teasers of the Week
Source: Fark Internet Site

"Taliban establishes "Islamic state" in remote area of Pakistan, said to be in the shape of a giant bull's eye." [02/13/06]

"Howard Dean says Cheney should resign if he ordered a leak that resulted in the public exposure of an undercover CIA officer. In response, Cheney invites Dean to go hunting with him." [02/13/06]

Weekly Fun Facts Roundup
Source: Page One PIG's "Today's Fun Fact" [02/18]

Sunday
Another day, another spiffy new "religion of peace" tantrum. Those who keep track of such things will need to add "Valentines Day" to the phone book size list of things that give Islamikazes a boo-boo. This time it's Islamikaze women in Kashmir who are spreading chaos in the name of Islam.

These too fun for words Mecca Maniac gals call themselves Dukhtaran-e-Millat, or Daughters of the Community, and they are nobody's idea of a good time. Rampaging from one gift shop to the next they grabbed cards posters and assorted other items, then took them outside for that familiar Islamikaze ritual: purification by fire. Why? Because Valentine's Day is contrary to Islamic teachings.

"These Western gimmicks are corrupting our kids and taking them away from their roots" (Asiya Andrabi, the group's leader).

That's right, darlin' those kids should be home learning which flags need to be burned, how to write a fatwa and studying the finer points of setting an embassy on fire.

Monday
When I heard that V.P. Cheney accidently shot another hunter, I laughed, wondering aloud, if there's something inherent in the Vice Presidency that turns everyone who holds down that office into Gerald Ford. After chiding myself for being so insensitive, I was relieved to hear that the dude Dick Cheney peppered with birdshot isn't badly hurt. That warm fuzzy feeling evaporated in a heartbeat when I learned that Cheney's target of opportunity is a lawyer. Reviving my Gerald Ford theory I heard myself say: "You had a lawyer in your gunsight at point blank range and missed him...with a shotgun? What a loser."

According to the Web India site, a top Indian film director named T. Rajeevnath is serious considering casting Paris Hilton in the title role of his new film. No, she's a slut Sparky, the film isn't titled "Skank". It's titled "Mother Teresa". Yes, that Mother Teresa. Why does this clown think she's ideal for the role? Because this walking peep show turned down a 'Playboy' nude spread. A hoax? We hope so, but don't bet on it. [Editor's Note: It appears that this Indian lunatic is serious about casting the Skank to play Mother Teresa. I am, for one of the few times in my life, rendered speechless.]

Tuesday
Counting Chickens: Faces are red - and so is the bookkeeping ink - at Valparaiso's (Indiana) city hall. The balance sheet fun started when person or persons unknown, erroneously, pinned a $400,000,000 value on a house that's actually worth $121,900. The resulting $8,000,000 property tax bill had Northwest Indiana government agencies spending the tax windfall long before the first penny was collected. When fiscal reality reared its ugly head, officials scrambled to restore balance sheet sanity, somehow. The 18 agencies that are required to refund the extra $3,100,000 are already whining about cutting back services and laying off workers.

Dumb: Calling the police station then asking where she can buy some weed.
Dumber: Ignoring the dispatcher's warning that weed is illegal and going to the station to buy it anyway.

Dumb: Despite warnings about large schools of sharks off Australia's Gold Coast you go to the beach anyway.
Dumber: Ignoring all the "shark feeding frenzy" warnings, you go in the water and get bit. 18, eager and stupid is a dangerous combination.

Wednesday
The Cheney Jokes are coming thick and fast:

Letterman: "Good news, ladies and gentlemen, we have finally located weapons of mass destruction: It's Dick Cheney."

Leno: "Dick Cheney accidentally shot a fellow hunter, a 78-year-old lawyer. In fact, when people found out he shot a lawyer, his popularity is now at 92 percent."

Limbaugh: "Would you rather go hunting with Dick Cheney or riding in a car over a bridge with Ted Kennedy?" Punch line: "At least Cheney takes you to the hospital."

Kimmel: "This is a great story. You've got the Vice President, a shotgun, a bunch of rich guys hunting tiny little birds. The only thing that could possibly make this story better is if he shot Michael Jackson."

Craig Ferguson: "You can understand why this lawyer fellow let his guard down, because if you're out hunting with a politician, you think, 'If I'm going to get it, it's going to be in the back.'"

Thursday
Deciding that "it is large breast appreciation day again" is, all things considered, harmless enough. It's slightly less harmless when you decide to share your unrestrained joy over the festivities with some acquaintances by proclaiming it via an e-mail. It might be over the proverbial "line" if you included some photos of suitably endowed women who are, uh, displaying their wares for your enjoyment.

The foregoing what ifs are not fiction. Straight from our moron of the week news desk, we find out that the sweater puppy fan is an Atlanta high school principal named Ed Rohrbaugh who used the school's computer, during normal school hours to send his sweater puppy themed e-mail to 5 members of his Union County High School faculty. We're amazed to report that despite calls for his head - and assorted relevant parts of his body - on a platter Ed got a wrist slap from the school board: a 5 day suspension.

At least one PIG staffer opined that the Ed's fate should be tied to the quality of the booty babes he picked. Dogs = Gone-o-la.

Friday
Contrary to popular myth, the red "heart" that is the cliche symbol for Valentine's day and love doesn't actually depict the heart at all. In fact, according to a Roanoke College (Salem, Virginia) Egghead, the "heart" symbol harkens back to ancient Greece and the Goddess Aphrodite. The twin red lobes linked with romance and love are, anatomical, but somewhat south of the human equator. For the fun facts, I'll let Professor Pranzarone do the heavy lifting:

"The Greek goddess of beauty, Aphrodite, was beautiful all over, but was unique in that her buttocks were especially beautiful. Her shapely rounded hemispheres were so appreciated by the Greeks that they built a special temple Aphrodite Kallipygos, which literally meant, Goddess with the Beautiful Buttocks. This was probably the only religious building in the world that was dedicated to buttock worship." (Ananova)

That's right, hearts and flowers Sparky, That "heart" you gave her is, in reality, a stylized depiction of Aprodite's celebrated boom-boom. I'll let you explain that to your own personal Valentine.

Saturday
Up to here with the noisy crowd of teenagers that lurked in, or near his electronics store, scaring off his customers, a Brit capitalist named Howard Stapleton devised electronic countermeasures. His Sonic Teenager Deterrent - the Mosquito - takes advantage of a teenager's notoriously acute hearing by transmitting '80-decible burst of pulsing sounds up to 16khz' (Ananova). Since the upper frequency range of human hearing begins to drop off after age 20, this noise is detectable, primarily, by teenagers. While adults hear nothing, teenagers hear a very disagreeable noise that sounds like a deranged bug or the noise produced by a tragically-inept violin player.

At press time Howard reports that his electronic teenager repellant is keeping the area around his store clear of the hormone gorilla horde. He's willing to part with copies of his invention for a tidy sum, £622.

We know what you're thinking and we agree, it would sell like gang-busters here. Don't get your hopes up, "banned by the FCC clowns" Sparky. The closest you can come to an electronic teenager repellant and stay street legal involves playing one of Ashley "The Screecher" Simpson's "recorded at a live appearance" musical assaults.

Fark Teaser of the Week
Source: Fark Internet Site

"Upset by what he paid for a new Ford Escape, man returns the vehicle to the dealership. Through the showroom. On fire." 02/06/06]

Weekly Fun Facts Roundup
Source: Page One PIG's "Today's Fun Fact" [02/11/06]

Sunday
Larry Page and Sergey Brin - billionaire owners of Google - had one of those days, recently. While dining out at an eatery in Brazil, their sales trip went from dough to d'oh when the Gula Gula restaurant in Ipanema black flagged their credit card. According to the Scotsman, the bill was a paltry £30, so the dudes ran another piece of plastic up the flagpole and this time Gula Gula saluted it. We heard that Google stock took a big hit on Wall Street, but we had no idea things were this dire.

Diane Guillemette's day when from Whoa to "D'oh" after she hooked a three meter long Greenland shark while ice fishing in Quebec's Saguenay fiord. The 230 kilogram beast was so big she needed a snowmobile to land the brute. The 'D'oh' came into play when Canada's job for life bureaucrats in their Fisheries and Oceans cabal black flagged her catch, because Diane didn't have a license for Greenland shark. Instead of the fish, which the bureaucrats 'impounded', Diane can expect a hefty fine, any day now.

Monday
Some Brit bright bulbs in what passes for a city have banned the use of ladders to fix burned out street light bulbs, because ladders are "unsafe". Instead the city's light fixing contractor - a blight named Amey - insists that its workers use a "cherry picker". That's nifty, no doubt, and much safer, but there's one pesky problem. Certain streets are so narrow that it's impossible to get the cherry picker in position. Since "the rules are the rules" the blown out lights near a certain school remain unchanged. What to do? Find a new contractor.

Ananova reports that a Brit "grandad" got a letter from the local medical practitioners that could - if verified, make him insanely rich as a medical curiosity. According to the Nottingham City Hospital, Brian Spencer is pregnant. He's ordered to drink lots of water while he prepares to report to the maternity room to get ready for what promises to be one hell of an ordeal: giving birth to a baby.

Speaking of medicine, a Kiwi doctor thrilled everyone this week when he decided to go into a new line of work. He's closing his practice and opening a brothel instead.

Tuesday
The Jihad News Network - Al Jazeera - has thrilling news for everyone who venerates free speech. Iran's largest fishwrap - Hamshahri - just announced its own cartoon contest. Determined to test the liberty that the infidels proclaimed so noisily, when Mecca Maniacs went postal over those Mohammed cartoons, Hamshahri will stage an international Holocaust cartoon contest. A Hamshahri minion, Farid Mortazavi, spewed this drivel: "It will be an international cartoon contest about the Holocaust. The Western papers printed these sacrilegious cartoons on the pretext of freedom of expression, so let's see if they mean what they say and also print these Holocaust cartoons."

A Brit school banned serving hot cross buns because the cross might give certain differently-religious inmates a boo-boo. We know what you're thinking and you're wrong. In this case, the students who might be offended are Jehovah's Witnesses. As usual, this is a pre-emptive strike, since, at press time only the Brit Educrats were bothered by the politically incorrect buns.

Wednesday
The Sandbox's oil minister, Ali Al-Naimi told a Houston energy confab that developing alternative (not oil based) energy sources is a cosmically bad idea. Why? It would "impoverish people in the name of a cleaner environment". We're trying our best to be thrilled spitless that this Sandbox punk is so concerned about "impoverishing people", and we're thisclose to making it. There's just one pesky problem. The only people this clown is worrying about impoverishing are the Saudi fatcats who got rich by keeping us over that oil barrel while they bleed us white.

Today's cartoon contest comes to us from a "radical rightist online newspaper in Sweden", Sd Kuriren. Green with envy over all the fun the Danes are having, this news paper just announced it's own Muhammad cartoon contest. Call us names if you must, but any site that's billed as "radical rightist" sounds like big time fun. If you're looking for a license to print money, open a Swedish flag concession in "religion of peace" havens like Indonesia, Iran, Syria and Gaza.

Thursday
A supreme irony award contender: Workers are removing the mortal remains from a Jerusalem cemetery to make room for a a $150,000,000 complex for an L.A. based entity. So what you ask? The new complex is the Simon Weisenthal Center's "Museum of Tolerance" whose purpose is to promote "unity and respect among Jews and between people of all faiths". Tolerance? Promote unity? By digging up room temperature Mecca Maniacs? As fun as this is, it gets better: 'Under Israel's "absentee property" law the cemetery was taken over by the Custodian of Absentee Property after the 1948 war' . In 1992, since no rightful owner had shown up, the Custodian, apparently, sold the cemetery to the city of Jerusalem.

Black and brown inmates in L.A. County's jail are being racially segregated due to the large prison fights that keep erupting. Since segregating prisoners by race violates Mexifornia law, the ACLU is mounting a lawsuit. It demands that the inmates re-integrate, to make it easier for them to kill each other.

Friday
Deceptive Headline Of The Day: "Bush's Ratings Hits 82 Percent". When you click on the story link, News Max exposes its "bait and switch" scam by explaining, in the second paragraph, that the White House denizen with these stellar approvals is first lady Laura Bush. Laura Bush is a peach, and you can quote us on that.

I'm willing to bet that 90% of L.A. denizens can't pick the "Los Angeles Library Tower" out of a lineup, if their lives depended on it. Billed as the "tallest building on the west coast" it was - sez our esteemed Oval Office denizen - targeted by terrorists in 2002. Fear not, Left Coast Sparky, the all clear has sounded.

Cartoon Jihad: Four months ago, on October 17, 2005, an Egyptian newspaper - al-Fagr - published those dastardly cartoons on its front cover and again on page 17. Believe it or not, the Arab Street didn't vent their rage through arson, murder threats and promises of unrelenting mayhem. File this fact under "selective Islamikaze outrage".

Saturday
According to Fox 411, Prince Abdullah has, after some prodding from other members of the royal family, cut the financial umbilical that funds a certain noseless freak's lavish lifestyle. Things got so bad for the noseless freak that, on his recent jaunt to Germany and Italy, Mikey had to - gasp - fly business class, instead of taking the prince's private jet. Proving that there are plenty of deep pockets with a soft spot for child molesting freaks, Mikey is now mooching off a couple wealthy families in Dubai. Unhappily, his new benefactors aren't as filthy rich as Prince Abdullah. Poor Mikey.

Earlier in the week, due to a playful Mother Nature, Monterey's (Mexifornia) automatic fog horn fulfilled its prime function, and every few minutes warned errant boaters that danger lay ahead. By Tuesday, the fog had lifted, but the foghorn kept thrilling the locals with its mournful howl every few minutes. Although proper authorities were informed that the automatic foghorn was working overtime, it took experts until Thursday to find some way to shut the damn thing off.

Fark Teasers
Source: Fark Internet Site

"Alito filibuster fails. Ted Kennedy announces plans to drown sorrows/current girlfriend."

"Britney Spears to appear on “Will & Grace”. Black hole of suck expected to form, consume NBC’s entire Thursday lineup."

Weekly Fun Facts Roundup
Source: Page One PIG's "Today's Fun Fact" [02/04/06]

Sunday
A Springfield (Oregon) desperado had it all going his way, until he tried for seconds. The caper started when Clayton Teman held up a local diner. The adventure strayed into the Twilight Zone when, two days later, our hero returned to the crime scene to complain about the paltry boodle he bagged during the first robbery. Demanding a bigger haul, he grabbed his boodle ran out into the parking lot then let fly with a fusillade. Believe it or not, he hit something...himself, in the foot. Clayton "Gimpy" Teman is now a guest of the city. Book 'em, Dano.

Troy (Michigan) District Judge Michael Martone took pity on the three teenage girls who got busted for drinking at their High School prom, so he gave them probation and ordered them to stop boozing. A few months later, Judge Martone accidently found his name on the girls' web site, along with photos of them "chugging shots" and posing with a stack of beer cans. As thrilling as that had to be for the judge, we suspect it was the obscenity the girls aimed at him on their site that prompted him to jail the girls. Bottoms up? Not for the next 30 days.

Monday
Iran's Presidential Wingnut Mahmoud Ahmadinejad isn't the only clinically bonkers clown leading an A-rab government. Hamas' fearless leader, Mahmoud Zahar is posing a serious challenge to the Iranian President's wingnut crown. For those who find this a tad hard to believe, consider this Zahar prose:

"Israel must remove the two blue stripes from its national flag. The stripes on the flag are symbols of occupation. They signify Israel's borders stretching from the River Euphrates to the River Nile."

Mr. Zahar needs to increase the voltage on his shock treatments, because the Star of David set between the two blue bars on Israel's flag depicts the traditional Jewish prayer shawl.

Two dudes, same first name, both certifiably insane, both Jew-hating rat bastards...what are the odds? Is"Mahmoud" A-rab for "crazy son-of-a-bitch"?

Tuesday
Cindy Sheehan seems to be the only person on the planet who isn't up to speed on a non-negotiable fact of life: your 15 minutes are up. Leave quietly, now, or else we'll be forced to dispatch Spike the Wonder Tyke to deal with you. Speaking of Cindy, Mexifornia denizens will be thrilled the learn that Cindy is so tragically delusional, she thinks she can replace Diane Feinstein as Senator of the no longer "Golden" state. Somebody needs to explain to this peace wench that Hugo and the aromatic international riffraff that attended the Caracas peace punk confab aren't registered Mexifornia voters.

Speaking of thrilling Left Coast news, the ABC Television Network just announced that it is "shelving" that weekly mash note to Hillary Clinton, "Commander in Chief". Alleged to be a barometer that would help determine if Amerika's chad-punchers are insane enough to elect a President Hillary, the show tanked in the ratings. PIG suggests that Comrade Hillary keep her day job for a while longer.

Wednesday
The Canadian Supreme Court has given Canada's human rights commission - their EEOC - a green light to investigate the fairness of flight attendants' pay. Sounds harmless, you say. Agreed, but that brings us to our Paul Harvey Moment and the rest of the story. According to Canadian law it's job discrimination for a company 'to pay different wages to male and female employees in the same "establishment" who are performing work of equal value'. In this instance, this Canadian cabal will ask the burning question that has troubled every socialist in good standing: Why are airline pilots and airline mechanics paid more than flight attendants? PIG has a question or two of its own: Can these Canadian bureaucrats really be this stupid or is it something they put in the water?

If that's not enough to make you go shopping for a straitjacket big enough for all of Canada, consider this gem: These Canadian pinheads started wrestling with this titanic issue in 1991. That's right PIGsters, 15 years later and they still haven't got a damn clue.

Thursday
The Donkey Clan's choice of Virginia Governor Tim Kaine to give their rebuttal to W's State-of-the-Union address was a curious one, to say the least. When I heard that they selected a newly elected southern governor, I wondered, "Why him?" That question got answered when my channel surfing strayed into the Tim Kaine zone, Tuesday night. In a heartbeat, I got snared by that runaway eyebrow he wields like a Samurai brandishes his sword. That out of control "Rock Eyebrow" is hypnotic, forcing you to keep watching, no matter how hard you try to stop. I can't swear that his eyebrow prowess hypnotized Virginians into punching a chad for Tim Kaine, but it's the best explanation I can find.

The best part of last night's festivities didn't make the news cycle, damn it, and I'm thisclose to suing some New Nitwit rat bastard over it. Why, I ask you, didn't at least one news outlet catch video of Cindy Sheehan getting frog marched out of the Capitol Building?

Saturday
Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez is like that pesky kid brother who won't leave you alone until you give him your undivided attention. Hugo calls us names and most of us ignore him. He rants about Uncle Sam planning to attack his pissant country and we continue to ignore him. He calls our President names and we still ignore him. Finally, out of sheer desperation, he invites the peace puke, Cindy Sheehan, hoping that will make us notice him. That didn't work either, so on Thursday Hugo evicted a naval attache named John Correa for spying on Venezuela. That worked, sort of, because the very next day, the U.S. State Department bull's-eyed a Venezuelan diplomat, Jenny Figueredo Frias - the ambassador's chief of staff. Uncle Sam declared Ms. Figueredo persona non grata and gave her 72 hours to leave the United States. Hopefully that will satisfy Hugo. If not, we'll need to do what we'd do with that brat brother: smack him silly until he shuts the hell up. Don't make us come down there, Hugo.

---

Fark Teasers of The Week
Source: Fark Internet Site

"Unlicensed driver crashes stolen car into tow truck in police parking lot. Sometimes the mountain comes to Mohammed." [01/26/06]

"Apparently, the law has a problem with keeping bears as pets, even those shown great care being fed pizza and Dr. Pepper. Damn Patriot Act." [01/25/06]

"Tokyo man living with 10 women claims spell incantation makes him irresistible to women. Woman claims his incantation runs along the lines of "move in with me or I'll beat you up"." [01/25/06]

"God has spoken, and while we cannot truly understand His reasoning, He has decreed that His Holiness would enjoy more sequels to "Bruce Almighty." The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse saddle up." [01/24/06]

Weekly Fun Facts Roundup
Source: Page One PIG's "Today's Fun Fact" [01/28/06]

Sunday
The Republican National Committee voted to endorse Vicente W. Bush's amnesty scam when they rushed through a resolution that spouted drivel about the need for a guest worker program. Faced with a forthcoming vote on a resolution by Randy Pullen that would explicitly oppose a guest worker program, RNC Chairman and Amerika hating goddamn traitor, Ken Mehlman rammed through this blatant assault on Amerikan citizenship. The RNC stabbed Amerikan citizens in the back with this crap, so why the hell not return the favor in November? If you can't punch a chad for the Donkey Clan, stay home on election day.

The organizers of Laguna Beach's Patriots Day Parade have banned the 21st Century successors of the original patriots - the Minuteman Civil Defense Corps - from participating in the parade. The reason? The Minutemen are "too political". Too political? What the hell did they think the American Revolution was if not political?

Monday
Amerika hating, entertainment has-been, Harry "Scumbag" Belafonte is up to his usual Amerika-bashing tricks. Yes, again. This time out this "Amerika sucks" bloviating pinhead paints a bull's-eye on Uncle Sam's Homeland Security Department: "We've come to this dark time in which the new Gestapo of Homeland Security lurks here, where citizens are having their rights suspended. You can be arrested and not charged. You can be arrested and have no right to counsel." His poisoned prose was warmly received by pinko peacenik rabble who attended the Annual Meeting of the Arts Presenters Members Conference.

This fool has a Constitutionally-guaranteed right to say whatever thrills him spitless. Given that, is it too damn much to ask that he come up with something a little more imaginative than these tired, trite Third Reich flashbacks? If we must listen to your bovine excrement, get some new writers Harry. Don't make me send Spike the Wonder Tyke after you. You so don't want to go there.

Tuesday
The good news for L.A Lakers fans is the thrilling fact that Kobe Bryant scored 81 points the other night. The bad news for L.A. Lakers fans is the somewhat less thrilling fact that the Lakers don't play Toronto every night.

The good Super Bowl news is that New England won't be in it this year. The bad Super Bowl news is especially distressing to certain members of the PIG Staff: The Carolina Panthers won't be playing in the game, either.

Tired of watching Harry "Che" Belafonte have all that headline grabbing, Amerika-bashing fun, peace wench Cindy Sheehan is poised to make a comeback. She's hoping to grab some headlines by canoodling with Hugo Chavez at a the 6th World Social Forum in Caracas, Venezuela. If all goes according to plan she'll launch her news cycle comeback when she and Hugo team up to address this peace punk confab. Amerika will be Cindy free for at least 3 days. It's not much, but we'll take it.

Wednesday
During a stunningly intellectual VH1 show about celebrity tattoos, some wench whom I couldn't pick out of a lineup shared a thrilling epic about the tattoo on the back to Titney Spears neck. According to these cable channel gossip mongers, Titney wanted to have the words "New Year" tattooed on her neck in Hebrew. But, a few errant synaptic firings made Titney get the spelling wrong, so the resulting tattoo is gibberish, much like Titney's music.

Speaking of Titney, we hear that Spears' ex-hubby, Jason Alexander, got horizontal and squishy with the current Mr. Titney's ex-wife, Shar Jackson at an L.A. party last weekend. Payback? You better believe it.

From our just shoot me files: We're hearing that Tinsel Town's bright bulbs think that a sequel to "Bruce Almighty" is an idea whose time has come. Other, equally bright, bulbs are planning a "Magnum P.I." movie.

Thursday
Well, duh headline of the day: "Muslims unhappy with 'Playboy' plans for Indonesia". "Muslim's unhappy" is the new gold standard for redundancy.

Call us names if you must, but we're taking a "wait and see" approach to Canada's new conservative government. We're willing to concede that Stephen Harper is conservative, by Canadian standards. The key concept here is "Canadian standards". We're still trying to determine where a Canadian "conservative" fits in a rational adult's political spectrum. When we figure it out, we'll let you know. Until then, we're thrilled, within reason, that Canada is less liberal than it used to be.

Canada's lurch to the right did have one, immediate, positive impact: it ruined Michael "The Maggot" Moore's whole day. We're told he's so bummed he couldn't slam dunk his third helping of lard burgers this morning. Poor baby.

Friday
Racist Coffin Nails: According to a study perpetrated by the Eggheads at USC and University of Hawaii there is irrefutable proof that cigarettes - all tobacco products - are racist. Prepare to be shocked by the facts that are destined to shake every Ethnocrat to their very core. Based on this comprehensive study that involved more than 18,000 people, research demonstrates that Melanin Enriched men who partake of the evil weed are 50% more likely to develop lung cancer and 36 more likely to kick the bucket from lung cancer than oppressors (unhyphenated white males). We're shocked, shocked I tell you. Rumors that Je$$e is planning to extort - seek "donations" from - Old Ka-Boom and/or Mother Nature can't be confirmed at press time.

Why Mexico wants to recall those "how to invade Amerika" maps: A press release by the Minuteman Civil Defense Corps says that the group will use the maps to determine where to deploy it's border watchers.

Saturday
The usual News Nitwit suspects are in a lather because W is pointedly ignoring Helen Thomas, a career battleaxe who lost her UPI gig years and ago and now toils as a lowly columnist. Although she parks her impossible to ignore self in the center of the front row, Ms. Thomas can't seem to catch a break from the president. Based on W's antics, she might as well be invisible. As expected, she's mad as hell, damn it: "He's a coward. He's supposed to be a macho guy. He'll take on Osama Bin Laden, but he won't take me on." Get a grip, hatch breath, and be thankful that those News Nitwits don't toss you out for imitating a reporter.

PIG is deeply ashamed to admit that it has failed you, PIGsters. We're sobbing in our brewskies because Google China isn't sufficiently offended by our speed bump on the Information Super Highway to ban us in China. We're bummed, but not ready to let this egregious insult go unpunished. We're determined to make the "Banned in China" cut, by any means necessary.

Fark Teaser of The Week
Source: Fark Internet Site

"Osama bin Laden's threats cause oil prices to rise. Oil companies apparently starting to build giant walls of $50s around their refineries for protection." [01/20/06]

Weekly Fun Facts Roundup
Source: Page One PIG's "Today's Fun Fact" [01/21]

Sunday
Korrectnik to a fault, the Seattle Times refuses to use the word "Redskins". That includes a certain inside the D.C. Beltway football franchise. Normally, that wouldn't be PIG-worthy news, but this week Seattle's Seahawks play this D.C. football squad. You don't need to imagine the havoc that created for the rain-soaked fishwrap's sports writers. Our friends at the News Busters site nailed it with this report: News Busters

Our whopper of the day was spewed by a CNN (alleged) reporter: "The 8 Democrats on the Senate Judiciary Committee haven't decided how they'll vote on Judge Alito's nomination, yet." What a load! Donkey Clan hacks decided to vote against him BEFORE President Bush nominated him.

Iran's Foreign Minister is a slam dunk for "World's Most Perfect Bureaucrat Moniker". His name? Stand by to be thrilled, because his name is - we're not making this up - "Moocher Mistake".

Monday
A tragically delusional thespian named George Clooney is convinced that he single-handedly cost John Kerry the 2004 election. George confesses his guilt with this amazing quote: "Kerry asked me to ride on his train - he had a train going cross-country after he was nominated and some actors went on board. I called him and explained that I couldn't do it. I'd hurt him. I'd actually caused him harm at the polls."

We feel safe in predicting that, from now on, our NC correspondent's outside the PIG News Bunker office will be facing the stage at Wake County's (North Carolina) newest topless club. What makes this story PIG-worthy, aside from Anthony Scott's endless enthusiasm, is this: It's the first adult entertainment club to get bureaucratic approval since 1990. PIG will do its level best to get Anthony a permanent seat right next to the stage, but, since we have no budget, that might require more persuasion that than the usual slyly smirky blackmail.

Tuesday
When the Brit Department for Trade and Industry finishes revamping their "equality" laws, the new edict is expected to paint a bull's-eye on one of the most venerable Brit cultural icons: men-only, Gentlemen's Clubs. The revised bureaucratic decree means that dudes who want to hang together in those single-sex dining or drinking establishments will be S.O.L.

Additionally, the new edict will confer "protected by the Nanny State" status on Brit transsexuals. One notable - Korrectnik to the core - exception to the ban on single-sex establishments will confer a Nanny State seal of approval on women-only gyms. According to a Brit fishwrap, the new equality Bill will "consolidate 20 to 30 items" that outlaw discrimination on the usual laundry list of protected classes: age, race [except whites], sex [except men], disability, religion [except Christians], and sexual orientation [except heterosexuals].

Wednesday
A Brit dude named Chris Taylor started get suspicious about his live-in girlfriend when his parrot, Ziggy, started saying "Hiya Gary" whenever Suzy's cell phone rang. His suspicions were further aroused when Ziggy started making kissing sounds whenever he heard the name "Gary" on the boob tube. Eventually, Chris confronted Suzy who confessed her four month affair with a wench-poaching rat named "Gary".

Chris didn't shed many tears when he tossed Suzy out, but it damn near killed him when he was forced to give Ziggy away. You can't blame him, I suppose. Would you want a bird that kept making kissing sounds and saying the name of the rat bastard who stole your girl? Probably not. The ultimate irony is that Ziggy is the reason Suzy started sleeping around. You see, she quickly concluded that Chris loved Ziggy more then he loved her and, she was right.

Thursday
PIG's NC correspondent isn't the only Tar Heel State dude who is eagerly awaiting the opening of Wake County's new topless bar. The instant certain cadence counting dudes heard that our correspondent might get his own reserved stage side table, Anthony had several new best friends. PIG's braintrust debated naming them but we decided to forgo ratting out these guilt-ridden, booty craving horndogs. They know who they are, and so do we. We'd like to think they took a shine to our PIGster because he's such a nifty dude - we certainly think so - but we suspect it has little to do with Anthony and everything to do with naked Double-D headlights.

On a related note, our NC correspondent reports that a testosterone junkie who should remain nameless - Eric Shuping - is so deranged over the prospect of all those naked sweater puppies that he is "slobbering all over himself and foaming at the mouth". Rumors that he offered to have Anthony's baby for a stage-side seat can't be confirmed at press time.

Friday
The good: When you're feeling puny, it's still legal to buy those cold medicines that contain pseudoephedrine - Sudafed, for example - in North Carolina. But, thanks to the state's war on drugs bonkers General Assembly, it's not as easy as it was.

The bad: You're already feeling miserable, but you drag your butt out of bed and through a superhuman effort you stumble down to the drug store. That's the easy part, Sparky, because now you've got to deal with that snooty pharmacist before you can buy the damn stuff. To top it all off, if you're not 18, or forgot your I.D., don't even think about it.

Sweet Revenge: The only way to make this law work to your advantage is to sneeze all over this pill pushing pinhead. If he, she, heshe or it insists on making you miserable, it's more than fair to return the favor. It's your patriotic duty to spread those germs.

Saturday
Taking Korrectness to undreamed of levels, Nottinghamshire Police Officials cited a detective for a conversation with three other officers during which the detective called a career criminal "pondlife". We're shocked, shocked I tell you, and so were these Nottinghamshire Korrectniks. The fun, stop the presses, fact here is this: the career criminal wasn't even in the room at the time. Undaunted, the Nottinghamshire pinheads plan to cite the detective because, had the criminal been present he "might have been offended". Even for Brit Korrectniks, this level of sensitivity is breath-taking. The other three officers are cited for spouting - gasp - "inappropriate language" during a private conversation.

These offenses were - allegedly - taped for posterity while the police officials were trying to document corruption by another police official. When, exactly, did Korrectness become more important that fighting crime in Nottinghamshire?

Fark Teasers of the Week
Source: Fark Internet Site

"Hollywood not just out of ideas, it flat-out hates us: Affleck and Damon to remake "Butch Cassidy & Sundance Kid"". [01/10]

"On this date in 1861, Florida seceded from the union. Nobody wants to take credit for letting them back in." [01/10]

"Those who thought that the post office would have plenty of $0.02 stamps on hand after raising the postage rate by $0.02 forgot that the post office is run by the same wonderful government that runs FEMA." [01/09]

Weekly Fun Facts Roundup
Source: Page One PIG's "Today's Fun Fact" [01/14/06]

Sunday
A Nebraska desperado's bank heist didn't go exactly as planned. With no gun to flash, he got through the "this is a stickup" part, then lost his nerve. Fleeing the bank empty handed, he got into his getaway ride, a 1994 GMC with a personalized plate that read "FINDME". That's exactly what the cops did. Book 'em, Dano.

A Buffalo desperado's bank heist didn't go exactly as planned. Unable to cope with the teller's inability to follow his simple "give me all the damn money" instructions, this Einstein lifted his ski mask to yell at her, giving the bank's security camera's a clear shot of his face. Eventually, he gave up, leaving the bank empty handed. Gone, but not forgotten, our hero's crystal clear snapshot is being posted, everywhere. The Buffalo cops expect to offer him graybar accommodations, any minute now.

Monday
Everything seemed to be going Gary Minor's way, after he won his election to Carrollton's Village Council, last November. That all changed when someone - for reasons we'd like to know - questioned Gary's residency and discovered that Gary's abode is 30 feet outside the village boundary. That's news to Gary who insists that he checked with the relevant bureaucrats when he built his home in 1997. The board of elections assured him that he should vote in the village, an assessment that seemed right, based on the tax bills he got from the village.

The factoid that tripped up Gary - and various job for life bureaucrats - is this: he owns two adjacent lots. The empty lot is in the village; the lot where he built his domicile is in Center Township. "D'oh" while appropriate, doesn't begin to express Gary's attitude.

Tuesday
It's safe to assume that Cody Likkel's family won't forget the house they toured in Sandpoint, Idaho any time soon. The fun started when Cody Likkel, his wife Jodi and their 6-year-old-son Mason entered the log home with a real estate agent. According to a family member, the drama unfolded instantly: "They went to the house with the agent. She unlocked the door, they went in, they smelled gas, she turned the light on and at that point the house exploded. It actually blew them off the porch and into the snow."

The good news is that everyone came away singed around the edges, but otherwise unscathed. The bad news is that it's highly unlikely that Cody will be making an offer on the log home which incurred damaged walls and broken windows. If you're looking for a place in Idaho, I know this extra crispy fixer-upper that's a steal.

Wednesday
On 12/28/05 your favorite Internet speed bump got mentioned in a mainstream fishwrap, Spokane's Spokesman-Review. Revisiting a story from February 2005 - (PIG's 2005 Educrap news archives 02/10/05) - about an Idaho cess-school, this Washington fishwrap printed this immortal PIGish prose:

'...The Web site pigazette.com, or the Politically Incorrect Gazette, ran its take on the issue under the headline: "A Top Ten, Stupid, Educrat Notion."

The brief article referred to Athol's administrators as "Educrat dipsticks" who went "non-clinically bonkers" when they installed the light in the school cafeteria...'

Mentioned, by name, quoted properly and no insults? It's go figure time in the Top Secret PIG bunker.

Thursday
When an Aussie dude decided to celebrate Elvis' birthday (71 years since his birth) by playing "Burning Love" repeatedly, he was on the fast track to becoming a crime statistic. When this clown refused to knock it the hell off, his girlfriend snatched up a pair of scissors and stabbed him six times in the head, back and legs. Although the Perth cops charged her with "unlawful wounding" it sounds like "that Elvis-bonkers fool asked for it" to us. Give him hell, Sheila.

A Brit motorist who was driving 18 MPH below the limit, "saluted" a speed camera by giving it the "V-sign" made popular by Winston Churchill. PIG hasn't got a clue why this sign is now banned in the UK, but, it is. Believe it or not, the cops tracked the "V-sigh" flashing motorist down and charged him with "showing disrespect to a mobile speed camera van". That friendly "salute" might set our hero back a $160.00.

Friday
Alarmed by the AIDs infections that makes casual sex in their town, a South American version of Russian Roulette, the political hacks running a rustic Columbian outpost named Tulua hit upon a nifty notion. They're thisclose to passing a city-wide ordinance that nails any male over age 14 with a fine, if he goes out without packing at least one condom. If a dude gets nailed without his condom, he gets to pay the fine and has to attend a 3 hour course in AIDs prevention.

You don't need Nostradamus to predict that the local Rosary True believers are in a lather over this edict. Father Jesus Velasquez thinks the way to combat the city's AIDs epidemic involves "education and respect for moral and Christian values". No doubt, but packing a rubber can't hurt, just in case you get an offer you can't refuse. If you're planning to spend some time in Tulua, play it smart and pack a box of Trojans.

Saturday
A 21-year-old Oxford University student named Sam Brown did a header into Brit Korrectness while he was out on the town celebrating the end of his final exams. After a mounted cop rode up beside him, our young hero quipped: "Excuse me, do you realize that your horse is gay?" That fast, the college lad landed in hot, "you're making homophobic comments" water for his sorry attempt at alleged humor. These Korrectnik bonkers authorities nailed him with an £80 fine for making remarks "deemed likely to cause harassment, alarm or distress", prompting Sam to respond with the Brit equivalent of "Bite me."

Despite the fact that the Crown Prosecutors dropped the case, the Thames Valley Police, are incapable of seeing how irrational their "you can't call my horsey a homo" antics are. Unlike these Brit cops, PIG doubts that the cop's horsey was the least bit offended. If anything puts him off, it's the fact that such a monumental retard gets to ride him.

Fark Teasers of the Week
Source: Fark Internet Site

"Teachers told not to punish bad behavior in their classrooms because it hurt their feelings and to praise them instead, according to new study from the Some Things Are So Stupid Only A PhD Could Say Them Institute." [01/06/06]

"Major trove of ancient tools unearthed. Archaeologists wonder at meaning of cryptic inscriptions including "IBM XT," "1200 Baud" and "Commodore 64," the latter of which they assume to have been royalty." [01/03/06]

"Boston's City Hall Plaza voted world's ugliest public space. Courtney Love a close second." [01/01/06]

Weekly Fun Facts Roundup
Source: Page One PIG's "Today's Fun Fact" [01/07/06]

Sunday
During a road trip, a couple stopped in the wee hours so a dude named Don Beacham could get out and stretch his legs. When his girlfriend lost track of him in the dark, she tried to relocate him with the headlights of their ride. After making several U-turns on the highway, the lady managed to locate him, with her car, while it was still moving. Faster than you can say "road kill", Don achieved room temperature. We're inclined to believe this wench's story since this happened in Canada. But, we decided to err on the side of caution and file this in our "a likely story" file, along with epics about the Easter Bunny, alien abductions, and Global Warming.

Sometimes the headlines says it all: "Pack of angry Chihuahuas attack officer in Fremont". This reeks of "adding insult to injury". I don't even what to think about the kidding he's gonna get at the police station.

Monday
Mexas-born Jewish cowboy, singer, humorist Kinky Friedman wants to be Mexas' next governor. According to a recent Zogby Poll, Kinky pulled in a shocking 21%, putting him roughly equal to a Donkey Clan candidate. When you consider that incumbent Governor Rick Perry only pulled down 42%, it looks like Kinky has an outside chance.

For those who wonder why we like Kinky, kindly consider his "five generals program" immigration solution: Give five Mexican generals responsibility for certain portions of the Texas-Mexican border. Each receives $1 million, placed in escrow. "Every time we catch an illegal coming through his section, we withdraw $5,000. It's cowboy logic, but it's common sense, too." That sounds a lot better than anything W is promoting.

Tuesday
A gunned Brit airline passenger got so belligerent when the cabin crew refused to give him more booze that he forced the pilot to make an unscheduled stop. Up to 'here' with this asshat, the plane diverted to a microscopic lump of volcanic rock named Porto Santo (the whole island is 16km long and 7km wide). Once there, the flight crew tossed the drunk off the plane and continued on their way to a Spanish resort island named Tenerife. After a visit to the Porto Santo graybar, the asshat had to take a two hour boat ride to the island of Madeira where he caught another plane. I'm guessing he didn't say one damn word on that flight.

And why, you ask, does Porto Santo have a runway big enough for an Airbus? The former Nato base is a legacy from the Cold War.

Wednesday
Bad: Getting gunned to the gills and driving yourself home on New Year's morning.

Worse: She runs into a DWI checkpoint.

Graybar Qualifier: Running over a cop while trying to avoid the DWI Checkpoint. Book 'er, Dano.

The Glorious Beginning: A Swedish desperado breaks into a house and steals a cell phone plus assorted other goodies.

The Tension Packed Middle: When the cops phone the stolen cell phone, this fool answers the call, then puts the cell phone away without turning it off.

The Thrilling Conclusion: The cops can hear him giving a cab driver directions, so they track the cab to the desperado's lair. Book 'em, Sven.

Thursday
His resume already includes crack addict, four term D.C. mayor and, presently, a member of D.C.'s City Council. Now, thanks to a pair of differently-law abiding lads, Marion Barry has something new to add to his action-packed resume: robbery victim. His adventure in crime victimhood started when he gave two D.C. lads a few bucks to carry his groceries home. Reality set in when the lads returned, brandished a gun, then liberated Mr. Barry's wallet. Speaking of supreme suckage, our hero, Marion, just pleaded guilty to failing to file income tax returns. He's still waiting for the judicial gavel to fall on that gem.

PIG is trying to muster a shred of sympathy for our pal Marion, but it's not easy. Since we're so whipped with guilt, we've decided to name him Crime Victim of the Week. It's not much, but it's the best we can do while were laughing like mental patients.

Friday
From our strange bedfellows file we bring you these two responses to Arial Sharon's medical woes. The first out of the box is PIG's favorite Smiting Supernaturalist, Pat Robertson: "God considers this land to be his. You read the Bible and he says 'This is my land,' and for any prime minister of Israel who decides he is going to carve it up and give it away, God says, 'No, this is mine.''' "[Sharon] was dividing God's land and I would say woe unto any prime minister of Israel who takes a similar course to appease the EU (European Union), the United Nations, or the United States of America."

Hot on Pat's heels, we get this "die you rat bastard" prose from Iran's Presidential Wingnut, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: "Hopefully, the news that the criminal of Sabra and Chatilla [Sharon] has joined his ancestors is final."

Saturday
The University of Southern California's cheerleaders sobbed. The school's legion of fans hung their heads in stunned silence. The school's gridiron warriors tried to man up and give props to "a better team". The sportscaster nitwits threw away their "best team in the history of the universe" prose and frantically scrambled to find out who the Trojans were playing in the 2006 Rose Bowl. This PIG scribbler's celebration bordered on disturbing the peace. Why? Final Rose Bowl score: Texas 41, USC 38. That's gotta earn a rousing "Hallelujah!" from the congregation.

Admittedly the entire University of Texas team deserves props for this victory, but their one-man wrecking crew, Vince Young, is the hero who inflicted the critical damage. He derailed the USC express, and gave this pagan the best laugh he's had in years. Thanks Vince.

---

Fark Teasers of the Week
Source: Fark Internet Site

"PETA staffer legally changes name to KentuckyFriedCruelty.com. NeverGettingLaidAgain.com was apparently taken." [12/30]

"Woman, 103, to see first Packers game. Will probably see some action at running back in second half." [12/30]

"Oprah's plane grounded after hero bird flings itself into windshield during takeoff. Oprah planning "The birds are now our enemies" show next week". [12/27]

"Mother of All Bombs" creator dead at 67. Which is odd, since Kevin Costner is only 50. [12/26]

Weekly Fun Facts Roundup
Source: Page One PIG's "Today's Fun Fact" [12/31]

Monday
The plan: Attend Christmas party and pickpocket your way to a very Merry Christmas.
The rub: It was a party for 35 German police officers and they catch you in the act. Book 'em, Hans.

The plan: Boost a pizza deliveryman's ride.
The rub: When you dial your buddy to brag, you get an undercover cop, instead. Book 'em, Dano.

The plan: Boost some copper wire from a electrical substation.
The rub: The 69,000 volts racing through the copper wire turns you into road kill. Ashes to ashes.

Tuesday
When Prairie Village (Kansas) denizen David Quinly put up his latest anti-war sign in his front yard, he expected trouble and he got it. The city's regulation bonkers bureaucrats informed him that two of his front yard signs exceed the maximum size specified in a city ordinance. Determined to defend his free speech, David enlisted the assistance of the local ACLU office.

All things considered, the ACLU is an inspired choice. They must be very familiar with the ordinance since, according to City Attorney Charles Wetzler, "the latest version of the ordinances was drafted with the ACLU's input."

Newly married Christina Aguilera plans to change her sleezy image to something more suitable to a married woman. File this tidbit under, "how to put your career in the toilet".

Wednesday
Making a desperate attempt to elevate the programming content of broadcast television, a feathery patriot went Kamikaze and did a header into Oprah's Gulfstream jet. Since the incident took place shortly after Oprah's plane left Santa Barbara, it's safe to assume that this brave bird worked in or around the television industry. Alas its valiant sacrifice was in vain, since Oprah's plane returned to the airport where it landed safely. You'll be interested to learn that certain members of the PIG staff are chanting, "Hit her again. Hit her again. Harder, harder!"

Are we the only ones who think that taking out a gas bag like Oprah would put a big damn dent in Global Warming? Probably, but we can live with that.

Thursday
The House of the Mouse put a whole new spin on the ubiquitous phrase: "lighting" the Christmas tree. The fun started when some Disneyland Grand Californian Hotel minions managed to set a Christmas tree ablaze while "changing some lightbulbs on the tree". These Disney firebugs earn double bonus points for difficultly, because the tree in question is an artificial tree. Thanks to this 3am rude awakening, more than 2,000 hotel guests got to fire drill in the chilly Mexifornia night. Rumors that these Disney minions were singing "Come on baby light my fire", cannot be confirmed at press time.

We had no idea that Disneyland was so desperate for a new attraction that it is seriously considering adding "Burning Hotel" to its theme park adventures.

Friday
Busted for drunk driving on Nov. 20, Jacob Vanderven, caught a break from Judge William Slyer on Dec. 5 when the judge gave him a 6 month suspended sentence and two years probation. Among other things, the probation requires that Jacob stop boozing, stay out of bars and stay away from people who are drinking. Imagine Judge Slyer's thrill when, on that same Dec. 5, he spots Jacob boozing at the restaurant/bar where Judge Slyer is having lunch. Keeping his probation is no longer a challenge for Jacob, now that Judge Slyer had him tossed into the local graybar for violating his probation.

At press time, PIG can't confirm that Jacob set a new record for shortest time between a Judicial gavel and the ensuing probation violation. There's dumb. There's very damn dumb. Then there's Jacob Vanderven.

Saturday
Early next year - Secretary of the Treasury Snow says mid February - Uncle Sam will hit a brick "no more borrowing, deadbeat" wall. He's tapped out, unless those notoriously frugal fiscal paragons - congress - pass a bill that allows him to go much deeper into debt (his red ink limit is $8.184 trillion) . Is this the end for Uncle Sam? Will bitter "you're broke, punk" reality finally set in? Probably not. He'll do what he always does and have one hand - congress - give the other hand - the U.S. Treasury - permission to dump more of your money down the bottomless, deficit spending rathole. Those of you who aren't up to speed on this fiscal slight of hand might know it by a different moniker: "raising the debt limit".

How cool must that be? Everyone knows you can't be trusted with money but it's no problem. Whenever you squander all your available credit, you give yourself permission to borrow even more.

Quotes of The Week
Source: PIG News Wire [12/31]

Topic: Immigration

"Securing our nation's borders from a potential terrorist threat and from the illegal entry of people, weapons and drugs is absolutely paramount. Through Operation Streamline II, we are able to target a federal government offensive in the Del Rio area intended to dramatically reduce illegal activity and deter future activity." (U.S. Border Patrol Chief David V. Aguilar)

"ICE is committed to a seamless partnership with federal, state and local entities to ensure there are consequences for those who violate our nation's immigration laws. We will prioritize our resources to ensure those who enter illegally are removed expeditiously. Operation Streamline II recognizes the critical importance of detention and immediate removal as deterrence to future illegal migration." (John P. Torres, acting director of U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement's Office of Detention and Removal Operations as quoted in the Washington Times)

Topic: Entertainment

"If your claim to fame is being the friend of some guy who banged Paris Hilton, the only thing you should worry about is sitting beside him in the hot tub."

"Now all that's left is to determine who still cares about Tori Spelling. We can round them all up in a spaceship and shoot them into the sun. It might not be the most humane thing to do, but sacrifices have to be made for the greater good here. And by greater good, I mean the global IQ of the world." (The Superficial)

Weekly Fun Facts Roundup
Source: Page One PIG's "Today's Fun Fact" [12/23]

Sunday
The breathless fishwrap headline screams that according to a study "11 Million can't read English". The alarmed reporter starts out by telling the reader that 1 adult in 20 is not literate in English. He goes on to report that no progress has been made on the level of adult literacy between 1992 and 2003. What he didn't get around to mentioning until the seventh paragraph of the article is this spiffy goodie: "The adults deemed illiterate in English include people who may be fluent in Spanish or another language but cannot comprehend English text at its most simple level" (AP) . Nowhere in this article - or the study by the National Assessment of Adult Literacy, I'm guessing - does anyone tie this "alarming" literacy statistic to the border jumping scumbag invasion. They're so busy examining the broken china littering the shop, that they can't see the bull standing it the middle of the devastation.

Monday
A Portsmouth (New Hampshire) dude named William Shufro was understandably bummed when he got ticketed for parking his ride in a handicapped parking space. Despite his guilt, William decided that his sin didn't merit the $100 fine he faced. Thus motivated, he "tried to alter the ticket" so it looked like he parked in a no parking zone, an infraction that carries a more reasonable $20 fine. Not as stupid as William, the cops noticed the change. They consulted the original ticket, then tagged him for forgery, a felony that could land this dolt in jail for 3 ½ to 7 years. Our hero got the joyous news at his court appearance:

Him:. "I'm here for a parking ticket."
Lady Justice: "Guess again, felony Sparky."

Tuesday
If you live in Iran and love decadent Western music, PIG has some bad news for you. That wingnut you call the President of Iran just banned all Western music from Iranian boob tube and boom box stations. The bad news is that you'll no longer be allowed to listen to the Eagles, George Michael, Eric Clapton and Kenny G. As big a bummer as that must be, there is a silver lining in this dark Islamic Republic censorship black cloud: You'll not longer run the risk of having your ears assaulted by Ashlee Simpson's screeching every time you turn on the radio.

At press time PIG was unable to confirm a rumor that humming a Western tune has also been banned. If you must hum, do it very quietly, because you never know when a Mullah might be listening. That's what passes for liberty in Iran, al-Sparky.

Wednesday
We're shocked and dismayed here in the Top Secret PIG Bunker, but we're trying to be brave about it. For some inexplicable reason, we weren't invited to attend Tookie's funeral. Some glass half full members of the PIG staff are clinging to the irrational notion that our engraved invitations got lost in the mail. Others run another, equally unrealistic, flight of fancy up the wishful thinking flagpole and insist that our absence from this elite confab is just an oversight.

Admittedly, the PIG staff doesn't spend much time in the City of Angels, but we'd get there, some damn how. It's a damn shame about those missing invites because we were looking forward to getting up close and personal with Je$$e and Calypso Louie. There's no telling when we'll get another chance to wear our festive 'burn in hell you rat bastard' kevlar vests. Sigh.

Thursday
Fact One: Monique is 26, her hubby Paul was a 46 year old sailor just back from the war zone.

Fact Two: She gave her hubby a thrilling welcome home, by having him killed. The perps were her 16 year old daughter's 18 year old boyfriend, Zeke, and Monique's 18 year old live-in boyfriend, Latwon.

Fact Three: During a walk in the woods, Paul was shot to death and Monique got a wound in her shoulder.

A 26 year old woman with a 16 year old daughter? What's up with that? Would it help if I told you this happened in North Carolina? Probably, but the truth isn't that thrilling. The 16 year old Southern wenchlet is her step daughter. Aren't you just a tad ashamed of yourself, South-bashing Sparky?

Quotes of the Week
Source: PIG News Wire [12/18]

More "Israel Sucks, and so does the West" Prose from that Iranian Wingnut

"If your civilization consists of aggression, making oppressed people homeless, suffocating the voices of justice and bringing poverty to a majority of the world's people, we say loudly that we hate your hollow civilization."

"Today, they have created a myth in the name of Holocaust and consider it to be above God, religion and the prophets.

"If you committed this big crime, then why should the oppressed Palestinian nation pay the price? This is our proposal: if you committed the crime, then give a part of your own land in Europe, the United States, Canada or Alaska to them so that the Jews can establish their country," he said, developing a theme he raised in Saudi Arabia last week."
(Wingnut Emeritus, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad as quoted by AP)

A Best Selling Author Paints a Bull's-Eye On Twerpy Tommy Cruise

"There are misconceptions about psychology, especially when people out there like Tom Cruise say there's no evidence of chemical imbalance and psychiatric disorders. There's going to be some girl or boy who worships this megastar, who decides, 'I'm not going to take my anti-depressants because Tom Cruise said I don't need drugs'."
(Patricia Cornwell as quoted by the Evening Standard)

Compelling Prose about the "war" on Christmas

"It’s not majorities that leftists despise – it’s Western majorities. And when, due to their fraudulent campaign, Western people in a Western country must worry that “Merry Christmas” will be taken as an insult to non-Westerners or secularists, it’s time for every citizen of that country – Christian, Jew, Muslim, atheist, or Hare Krishna – to fight this abomination. We must all help protect the right of Christians to sing “Silent Night” publicly at a Nativity scene – because if they can’t do that, there’s no telling what the rest of us won’t be able to do next."
(Karina Robbins in a Front Page Magazine Column)

An actor takes on 'Black History Month'

"You're going to relegate my history to a month. I don't want a black history month. Black history is American history."

"...[The only way to end racism is to "stop talking about it."..."I am going to stop calling you a white man and I'm going to ask you to stop calling me a black man." (Morgan Freeman from a "60 Minutes" interview)

Stop the Presses Quotes from 'The Superficial' Site

"If you're a guy, and all your resume says is 'professional dancer', the only jobs you're really qualified for involve g-strings, body-wax, and rousing games of Mr. Tickle-Feather with guys in leather skirts." (The Superficial on Mr. Titney Spears)

"When the words 'Tom Cruise', 'sauna sweating' and 'cooking oil' come together in a story, I also fully expect to see some combination of the words 'publicist rigorously denies' and 'drunken ass-pirates'."

Weekly Fun Facts Roundup
Source: Page One PIG's "Today's Fun Fact" [12/17]

Sunday
Yankee Gas Services Company, like many other so called public utilities, has been asking its customers to conserve to mitigate the effects of higher natural gas prices. When Yankee's customers responded, they did such a good job that Yankee's revenues fell so much it can't meet its financial obligations. What to do? Yankee is asking for a rate increase to cover its shortfall.

Initially, Yankee raised the price of natural gas due to supply shortages. To help mitigate that added cost, Yankee asked customers to conserve. Now, because the ensuing conservation thrashed their bottom line, Yankee wants to raise prices to cover the revenue shortfall. The customer's choice is simple. He can pay more for the amount of gas he normally uses. Or, he can pay a lot more for using a lot less gas than he normally uses.

Monday
The capitalist who runs an Ohio-based lawn care company, Scott's Miracle Grow, gave the company's 6,000 employees an early Christmas gift that they'll never forget. Scott's chairman and chief executive, James Hagedorn, gave all employees until October to quit smoking. In order to keep its insurance costs down, the company - it pays 75% of the employee's health insurance costs - decided to lower it's risk by fielding a smoker free work force. Scott's is offering smokers 'free counseling, nicotine patches and classes on quitting'. Those who can't or won't comply can start brushing up the old resume, right damn now.

Given their prevailing pariah status, smokers need not wait for some activist cabal to come to their rescue. It's not in the cards because smoking is the epitome of inkorrectness.

Tuesday
Determined to do something about the long lines that thrill Brit banking customers spitless, the bright bulbs running NewWest bank went way outside the box for a solution. NewWest eschewed such mundane notions as adding more tellers, extending banking hours or trying to streamline the banking process. Instead, they opted to get the customer's mind off the long wait by taking all the clocks from its bank branches.

Why are these Brit bankers stopping at half measures? If getting rid of the clocks keeps them from complaining about the long wait, why stop there? Board up the windows and turn off the lights so nobody will notice that you've only got one teller window open. The saddest part of this epic is that asinine as it seems, it just dumb enough to work. When, exactly, did the Brits outlaw watches?

Wednesday
A differently-sober German driver's bad luck started when he had a blowout. Gunned to the gills, our hero decided - quite rightly - that he was too potted to change the tire for himself so he decided to call roadside assistance instead. When his drunken dialing reached out and touched someone he said, "My car is broken and I need you to come and fix it. And you'd better be quick because I'm really pretty drunk and I don't have a licence so it wouldn't be good if the cops drove past." Pretty drunk is a world class understatement. He clocked in at a thrilling 7 times the limit when some very special roadside assistance arrived to resolve all his problems. What special roadside assistance? The cops whom he'd accidently called for roadside assistance. Book 'em, Klaus.

Thursday
It's safe to assume that Amanda Alpert lost her appetite when she spotted the sign in front of Ronald McDonald's Raleigh (North Carolina) outpost of burgerdom. The sign that left a bad taste in Amanda's mouth reads "Merry Christmas, Jesus is the Reason for the Season." Differently-Christian - Amanda is Jewish - our heroine deemed the sign so "upsetting" that she called McDonald's corporate office in Atlanta demanding that they reword the offending prose to read "Happy Holidays". To their credit, the corporate office cited the Raleigh franchise owner's property rights. The franchise owner says the sign is good for business: for every Amanda there are several thrilled spitless Cross Cultists, making his sign prose decision an enriching one. Get over it, Amanda.

Friday
The Big Apple - the city that never sleeps - might have a nasty wake-up call any second now, if the transit unions pull the trigger on calling for a strike. Although the strike is, strictly speaking, illegal under Empire State law, that probably won't stop the unions from doing what comes naturally. While the union holds out for 8 percent annual raises for the next three years, Big Apple commuters will be forced to make some adjustments. During the strike, any car entering the busiest sections of Manhattan must carry at least four people.

Workers face losing two days pay for every day they're on strike and the city wants each striking union member to pay $25,000 in damages the first day, a sum that doubles every day thereafter. The union is facing one million dollars in damages the first day, a sum that doubles each day thereafter. Ouch!

Saturday
Things I can do without:
At the mall, I spotted several plumpers in skin tight, lowcut jeans and a belly baring shirt. It supports my contention that some people do not own, or lost the operating instructions for, that ubiquitous household fixture: the mirror.

Things that made me do a double-take:
One of Santa's elves waving a lighted wand to make a Santa visiting tyke stare at the camera. I use a similar device to get my cat's undivided attention. Bold new concept.

Things that reset the bar for crap:
I saw a movie poster for what promises to be cinematic suckage on steroids. The film's name isn't important. All you need to know is that it stars Kevin Costner and Jennifer Aniston.

Fark Teasers of the Week
Source: Fark Internet Site

"Police hunting for a man who fled a hospital with traction apparatus, his skull in a "halo" and both arms in casts. He must be enjoying some serious pain killers." [12/14]

"You may need a new gunner for your tank if, during target practice, the current one shells a monastery." [12/14]

"Reporter figures out the mystery of why Hooters is so popular. Shockingly, he discovers it's not because of the food. " [12/14]

"Pope denounces materialism from balcony of marble, gold-domed building in midst of jewel-encrusted religious icons while wearing giant gold cross." [12/11]

Quotes of The Week
Source: PIG News Wire [12/11]

Topic: Politics

" ... And there is no reason, Bob, that young American soldiers need to be going into the homes of Iraqis in the dead of night, terrorizing kids and children, you know, women, breaking sort of the customs of the - of - the historical customs, religious customs." (John Kerry as quoted by News Max)

Topic: Entertainment

"Being first in line for a Paris Hilton gangbang is like being the first kid in kindergarten to tie your shoes. It's nice and all, but almost everyone else in the world has already done it. Even lepers."

"It seems the Jackson family is fine with Michael’s megalomania, Peter Pan syndrome, child molestation, completely ridiculous plastic surgery, baby dangling, sham marriages, terrible music, and high-voice-talking, but drug binges are just too much to bear." (The Superficial)

Topic: The White House's "Generic" Christmas Card

"This clearly demonstrates that the Bush administration has suffered a loss of will and that they have capitulated to the worst elements in our culture." (William Donohue, president of the Catholic League for Religious and Civil Rights as quoted by the Washington Post)

"Sometimes it's hard to tell whether this is sinister -- it's the purging of Christ from Christmas -- or whether it's just political correctness run amok. I think in the case of the White House, it's just political correctness."

"It bothers me that the White House card leaves off any reference to Jesus, while we've got Ramadan celebrations in the White House. What's going on there?" (Tim Wildmon, president of the American Family Association as quoted by the Washington Post)

Topic: A Class Action Lawsuit Against Soft drink Companies

"We haven't decided about [how much we'll steal from soft drink companies] yet. We don't want this to come off looking like a greedy-lawyer lawsuit." (Stephen Garden, staff shyster for the Junk Science poster punks at Center for Science in the Public Interest)

Topic: The Holocaust

"Some European countries insist on saying that Hitler killed millions of innocent Jews in furnaces and they insist on it to the extent that if anyone proves something contrary to that they condemn that person and throw them in jail. Although we don't accept this claim, if we suppose it is true, our question for the Europeans is: is the killing of innocent Jewish people by Hitler the reason for their support to the occupiers of Jerusalem? If the Europeans are honest they should give some of their provinces in Europe -- like in Germany, Austria or other countries -- to the Zionists and the Zionists can establish their state in Europe. You offer part of Europe and we will support it." (Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad as quoted by Reuters)

Weekly Fun Facts Roundup
Source: Page One PIG's "Today's Fun Fact" [12/10]

Sunday
Believe it or not, the Devon (England) council's building is under relentless attack by antisocial seagulls. For most of the council's employees, this assault isn't bothersome, but it's a royal pain for those lucky few who must, regularly, venture up to the building's roof to collect weather data. Unable to move the weather gear from its rooftop perch, and unwilling to give the antisocial seagulls a room temperature transition, the council resorted to issuing each person who ventures onto the roof a crash helmet.

For a firsthand report from the bird wars, we bring you these choice words from rooftop weather wrangler, David Potter:

"It can be really bad and it's getting worse. It is my fourth year doing the job and there are more and more gulls. The big gulls swoop at my head and are backed up by half a dozen others which scream and dive-bomb me. It's very distressing but at least we now have crash helmets to protect us from being pecked about the head and face."

Talk about your hostile working environment!

Monday
PIG is delighted to bring you a story from the left coast that won't make you go postal. Daring to swim against the Amerika bashing, "stop the war" tide that makes Hollywood a reeking leftist pesthole, Bruce Willis is man enough to stand up and be counted when it comes to supporting our war on terrorist asshats.

Determined to set the record straight, he plans to make a film about the daring deeds performed by "Deuce Four" - the 1st Battalion of the 24th infantry. We're pleased to report that Bruce does more then talk about "Deuce Four"; he attended their homecoming ball in Seattle, recently. In addition to his cinematic efforts to showcase our men and women in uniform, Bruce also offered a $1,000,000 reward for information leading to the capture or killing of Osama Bin Laden, Ayman Al-Zawahiri or Abu Musab al-Zarqawi.

PIG salutes Bruce for putting his money, and his creative energy, on the line to support our troops. Heartfelt kudos are conferred on this rare breed: a Hollywood patriot.

Tuesday
If the reality show tidal wave that makes many of your cable channels unwatchable hasn't convinced you that the boob tube is "a vast wasteland", get ready for a shock. Just when you thought it couldn't possible get worse there's this tidbit: the Reverend Al Sharpton - yes, that Reverend Al - is "in talks with CBS" about doing his own sitcom. It's titled "Al in the Family" and it's an Archie Bunker ripoff that includes a storyline about one of Al's sons turning Elephant Clan. Gag!

Don't look for those familiar Bible scenes on a new calendar put together by some young German Cross Cultists. Granted, its theme is decidedly biblical, but the pictures are a hormone gorilla's fantasy come true. The calendar includes 12 "erotic scenes from the Bible, including a bare-breasted Delilah cutting Sampson's hair and a nude Eve offering an apple" (Reuters). I know what you're thinking Sparky, and I'm with you, but my Reuters news source didn't include an order form. Life is so sucky that way.

Wednesday
PIG is ready willing and downright eager to see Tookie achieve room temperature, but, a trial balloon floated by a City of Angels homeless activist named Ted Hayes is one worth considering. Ted favors a "conditional" stay of execution that comes with a very nifty condition. First, Mexifornia's action hero governor sets up a meeting with the usual Ethonocrat suspects and the current leaders of L.A.'s two most infamous street gangs: The Bloods and The Crips. At the meeting he pitches the deal, and such a deal it is.

If these two gangs stop killing each other, and all those innocent civilians, Arnold will grant Tookie a 30 day stay of execution. This stay will be renewed every 30 days, as long as the two gangs keep the peace. But, the instant one or both parties breaks the peace, it's Took, Took, Tookie Goodbye. Of all the schemes to save Tookie from reaping what he sowed, this one is the pick of the litter. Leaving Tookie's fate in the hands of some murdering gang banging thugs sounds like justice to me. Kiss it goodbye, Tookums.

Thursday
An 8th grade Illinois lad did a header into zero tolerance when the Educrats at his school found out that he'd compiled a list of the classmates and school staff who irritated him. He didn't threaten anybody, but merely having such a list is all it takes to get him kicked out of school. At press time, he's being run through such justice system crap as Iowa's juvenile probation office and the Henderson County state's attorney office. His crime is "disorderly conduct", because making his list and checking it twice disrupted the cess-school environment. Compiling a list of people who bug him? He's a prime candidate for the PIG Staff.

Speaking of crimes, Orange County (Florida) cops will be busting parents who j-walk with their tykes. The charge? They're making noises about felony child neglect.

Learmington, Ontario has a new law that limits a homeowner to three garage sales per year. That 4th garage sale could cost those sales minded homeowners a hefty $5,000.

Friday
The fun began when Hamtramck (Michigan) cop, Ronald Dupuis, got thirsty in the worst way. However, his partner, Prema Graham, refused to stop at a store so Ronnie could get his soft drink. I wonder if she'd do it all over again, after turbo thirsty Ronnie used his Taser on her, while she was driving their police ride. Ronnie is in deep do-do, facing an assault charge. Who, exactly, decided that Ronald "Mr Self Control" Dupuis had the right psychological stuff to be a cop?

It's bad enough when the Los Angeles County Sheriff's Department confiscates your firearm, without a valid reason. But, it turbo sucks when they charge you a $54.00 storage fee to get it back. They want me to pay to retrieve a gun that they had no reason to take in the first place? You take my gun, erroneously, but I still need to shell out $54 to get it back? Bite me, greedy Sheriff punk.

Saturday
Prelude: Police spot our hero driving erratically, and try to stop him.

The Main Event: A high speed chase ensues during which our hero escapes. Cops have the last laugh when they find him and a cohort parked on the side of the road, passed out.

The Crowning Moment: During a search cops find some coke stashed in - this is not a joke - our hero's butt.

The Bitter End: Our hero winds up in the intensive care ward after he repossesses his coke and swallows some of it.

Loser of the Week: A man spends more than $500,000 to build his dream - Legends Sports Pub and Grille. But, the dream is on hold, because he built this tavern in a district where adult beverage sales are banned. Anyone for lemonade?

Fark Teasers of The Week
Source: Fark Internet Site

The Utah Department of Transportation wants you to know that, this year, it won't be shooting errant 105mm Howitzer munitions into people's houses. In other news, they have to announce this? [12/09]

Having successfully thwarted the sale of over seven vehicles, American Family Association calls off Ford boycott. [12/05]

Patrick Stewart on "X-Men 3": "Everything was fine when I left the set. I've finished my filming now and it's all looking great." Translation: "It sucks donkey balls". [12/05]

Weekly Fun Facts Roundup
Source: Page One PIG's "Today's Fun Fact" [12/03]

Sunday
The D.C. punks and punkettes are frantically seeking a kinder, gentler, way to roll out the red carpet for the border jumping scumbag horde, but there's one pesky problem. With rational adults from sea to shining sea understandably paranoid about the infamous "a" word - amnesty - our elected tormentors need to find a word or phrase that conveys the same meaning but doesn't carry that pesky "a" word baggage. Mexifornia's Senator, Diane Feinstein, prefers "earned transition", but "earned adjustment" and "earned legalization" are also in play.

Taking "earned" to its illogical extreme, lets suppose a differently-ethical individual steals a bag of money from store. Under this "earned" paradigm, if the thief keeps it long enough he, she, heshe or it will be granted "earned possession" of the money because the sticky fingered cretin got away with the theft for the requisite period of time.

If you break into my home, I don't give a rip how long you linger, you're still a damn invader. The instant I catch you, your sorry butt is out of here, un-damn-invited Sparky.

Monday
Inspired no doubt, by those Amerikan school boards that evict science from biology classes, Norway's Educrats just ran a new curriculum up the flagpole that evicts history from high school history classes. If the plan is adopted, the following topics would be expunged from Norwegian history classes: World War I, World War II, the Russian Revolution, the cold war, Communism, Nazism. To fill the resulting void, Norwegian Educrats added "digital presentations" about Vikings, the rise of the Roman Empire and some stuff about the development of medieval China. History without history...Let's see Kansas top that!

Technically, the uniforms worn by Uncle Sam's Border Patrol agents are made by an Amerikan firm, VF Solutions of Nashville. But, when you look at the label sewn into the uniform, it's will read "Made in Mexico". That's right, secure our borders, now, Sparky...For more than a year, VF Solutions outsourced the manufacturing of our Border Patrol uniforms to the country that provides the lion's share of border jumping scumbags: Mexico. Border Patrol uniforms that are "Made in Mexico"! What could possibly go wrong?

Tuesday
According to Maja Obrazsowa, director of Russia's Lenin Museum, the facility is getting clandestine visits from its namesake, Vladimir Ilyich Lenin. Those who believe in things that go bump in the night insist that these visits by this room temperature commie are par for the course, since the museum is located in Lenin's former domicile. The "smoking gun" on Lenin visits are the aroma of apple cake - a Lenin favorite - and the bed in the master bedroom showing signs of use. Apparently, the hereafter isn't a barrel of laughs for dead commie dictators.

Speaking of Ruskies, a Russian shyster named Igor Smykov is staging a one dolt campaign to evict 'The Simpsons' show from Ruskie TV. First, he tried to convince a Moscow City Court that Homer, Bart, Marge, Maggie, and their Springfield cohorts are promoting drugs, violence and homosexuality so egregiously that the show morally damaged Mr. Smykov's 9 year old son. When the court issued the Ruskie legal equivalent of "Bite Me", this clown retooled his whine and is going to tilt "the Simpsons suck" windmill at the European Court of Human Rights in Strasbourg.

Wednesday
From sea to shining sea, rational adults are going publically postal over the latest trend in Korrectnik capitalism. The VRWC is mad as hell because so many stores issue strict orders that banish the venerable salutation "Merry Christmas" because it includes the word "Christ". The preferred seasonal prose is "Happy Holidays", a greeting that these cringing capitalists, erroneously, believe can't possibly offend anybody. Is Happy Holidays really that bulletproof? Nope.

For starters the word Happy must be deeply offensive to manic depressives, those cursed with clinical depression, plus all those people for whom every day is turbo crappy. "Happy" is an in your face insult to these chronically unhappy campers. Holiday is equally suspect since it stems from the Middle English term haligdaeg which translates as holy day. Happy Holy Day? That's destined to offend Michael Newdow and his differently-pious pals. What should we do?

Daring to think outside the box, PIG offers this all purpose salutation for your consideration: "Generic greetings of the season." Merry Christmas, PIGsters.

Thursday
It's not breaking news when a fast food employee gets caught trying to boost some dead presidents from his burger purveying employer. It is breaking news when the dude who tried to steal from a Wendy's franchise is named - we're not making this up - Ronald MacDonald. Ronald MacDonald robs a Wendy's? Stop the presses!

It's not breaking news when a car thief steals a car from a Moscow repair shop. However, I it's damn sure braking news when the car thief boosts a Nissan Pirmera that was in the shop because its brakes suck. Less than a block from the scene of the crime the car thief found out about the crappy brakes, the old fashioned way, when he slammed into an SUV. Book 'em Danski.

It's not breaking news when you dial a wrong number. It's still not breaking news when you ask the man at the wrong number you dialed to bring you some crack. It's stop the presses news when the dude you dialed erroneously is a police detective. In this instance, the wrong number dialer got what he needed, a graybar guest suite.

Friday
Things that go "bump" I: While appearing on the Neil Cavuto's show, Bill "legend in his own mind" O'Reilly explained why gas prices are steadily decreasing. According to Big Bad Bill:

"...[The Oil Barons] got scared because of my reporting and reporting of some others. They said, "Uh Ho."..."

Bill, dude, the shock treatments aren't working. It's time to kick the voltage up several notches.

Things that go"bump II: Tommy Cruise and his Scientology homeboys created a subterranean archive in the New Mexico hills, where they preserved the vast wisdom of their founder, L. Ron Hubbard. Inside the steel-lined, nuclear blast proof tunnels, preserved on thousands of metal records that are stored in heat resistant titanium boxes, are chapter and verse on L. Ron's vast Scientology musings. Millions, billions of years from now visitors will be able to disinter this Scientology stash and laugh their butts off - assuming E. T. has a butt - over the wonderfully weird world of Scientology.

Saturday
Hal Lindsey got his lump of Christmas coal early, when the Trinity Bible Network axed his "International Intelligence Briefing" show for all of December. Is the honeymoon over for Hal at TBN, or is TBN's spew about "all shows must have a Christmas theme in December" more than self serving hot air? Hal thinks that TBN is worried about alienating its new Islamic audience, since Hal's show links current events to biblical prophecy, and he, routinely, aims his fiery prophetic prose at Islamists. Hal's take on TBN's motives is supported by the fact that TBN airs in the Middle East 24/7 via their Arabic language channel. Finally there's this tidbit from TBN's shyster, John Casoria: "We are trying to reach the Islamic world and open a dialogue with them regarding Christ and Christianity. We do not feel that the best witness of Christ is to bash them but rather to show them the nature of Christ – the way Christ said to present himself – and that is through love, understanding and the presentation of the gospel to them."

Will Hal be back? Don't know. A better question is why Hal, a dude whose whole career is built upon prophecy, didn't see this one coming.