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PIG PLEDGE •
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Pledge Allegiance To The Way Cool Dudes That Founded The Free State Of PIG Because PIG Is The Place That Gets In Your Face Regardless Of Gender Orientation Or Race |
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PIG
NEWS DIGEST
| MORALITY POLICE | HOLY ROLLERS
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DECEMBER 2005
Divine Retribution?
Source: PIG News Wire [12/24] An Indonesian Mecca Maniac, Sharia Judge Marluddin Jalil, is a relentlessly fun guy who, in addition to having a weird name, is convinced that the Mecca Maniac deity caused last year's tsunami because certain Indonesian women refuse to wear head scarves. Determined to forestall any future punitive antics by his deity, our hero uses his religious police, the Wilayatul Hisbah, to make sure that women tow the line. Am I the only one who thinks that Indonesia sounds like non-stop fun? Patterned after the Sand Box's religious police, these pious Indonesian thugs roam hither and yon looking for young women consorting - in public - with, gasp, young men and/or going out without a head scarf. Women caught without the head scarf have their heads shaved and are "paraded around town" while these heros use bullhorns to humiliate them publically. Other items on Mr. Jalil's agenda are: closing certain places where young men and young women meet; shut down gambling dens; put adult beverage purveyors out of business; outlaw assorted other things that make life tolerable for people who wish that this pious wingnut would leave them the hell alone. Raiding The Collection Plate Although, like most Cross Cultists, Colleen Lacombe, trusted that in exchange for her unwavering faith "the Lord would provide", she got a tad impatient. Unwilling to wait for "the fullness of time" to transpire, Colleen helped herself to $325,000 between 2000 and 2005 while she "handled" finances for the First Church of Lansdowne (Pennsylvania). Without going through the usual "ask and you shall receive" ritual, Colleen used a larcenous shortcut to finance a plush new lake shore home, plus a new set of sweater puppies. Although Colleen has pledged to make restitution, we're left to wonder if that includes shedding her high tech, uh, headlights. Not Your Usual "Hate" Crime After a major whiz-a-thon over allowing some residents of the Cascades community in Port S. Lucie (Florida) to place a nativity scene in the Cascades community clubhouse, calmer minds prevailed. Finally, the manger scene took it's place next to a Menorah and a Christmas tree. Happily ever after? Get a grip, Sparky. Sometime during the dead of night, some dastardly pranksters stole the baby Jesus, then rearranged the other figurines to make it look like one of the Wise Men was worshiping a sheep. That's when some hypersensitive pinhead Emerilized this stunt into a "hate crime":
A hate crime for stealing a 3-inch porcelain figurine of the swaddled Cross Dude? This larceny might be a lot of things, but a hate crime? I way don't think so, Tim. Mithra Wants His Day Back, And So Do I Despite its name, Christmas is, in fact, a pagan holiday which was co-opted by the Cross Cultists in the era of the Roman Empire. No doubt this is a revelation to many of you, so, with all due apologies, I'm forced to cite some facts. Hopefully, the following doses of objective reality won't cause PIG's true believer readership any undue stress:
Since I'm that kind of pagan, I'm willing to overlook the outright theft of this important pagan feast by fourth century Cross Cultists. Since this unspeakable crime took place 17 centuries ago, I'm willing to go out on a limb and opine that the statute of limitations ran out on this grand larceny a long time ago. As much as I'd like to restore Mithra to his rightful place on December 25, I'll let that slide for another year. But, it would be nice if PIG's Cross Cult readers would at least try to meet me halfway. Mithra's birthday is a mere 20 days away. Since I am, quite graciously, overlooking your theft of this important pagan feast day, I'm sure you'll want to do something to make sure that Mithra's birthday is an especially happy one. That brings us to the eternal question: what can you give a 5,000,000,000 year old celestial body (the Sun) and how in the hell am I going to put 5,000,000,000 candles on a single birthday cake, without burning the house down? While you're pondering this burning question and wrestling with the guilt you share for this 17 centuries old thievery, do me a favor and have a Merry Christmas. It's A Plot "We face a better-financed, more sophisticated, coordinated, unified, energized and organized coalition of groups in opposition to our policy positions on church-state separation than ever before. Their goal is to implement their Christian worldview. To Christianize America. To save us....This issue is serious enough for us to develop a strategy, and, clearly, our first task is to win the support of the American public. "We also need to come together with other Jewish organizations...and to find allies beyond our community." (Abraham Foxman, National Director of the Anti-Defamation League) "We understand those who believe that the Bible opposes gay marriage, even though we read that text in a very different way. We cannot forget that when Hitler came to power in 1933, one of the first things that he did was ban gay organizations." (Rabbi Eric Yoffie, president of the Union for Reform Judaism) "It's absolutely an issue. [The religious right isn't] using outright violence themselves. But they are one step down from people who are ready to use the coercive powers of the state to impose their own religious outlook." ( Rabbi Arthur Waskow, director of the Shalom Center in Philadelphia as quoted by the Washington Times) For those keeping score, the three individuals I just cited are alarmed about the antics perpetrated by Cross Cult cabals like James Dobson's Focus on the Family, the Alliance Defense Fund, the Family Research Council and Don Wildmon's American Family Association. Are these groups seeking to impose a Taliban-class theocracy on Amerika? The aforementioned worrywarts seem to think so. NOVEMBER 2005
Dobson in The Bull's-Eye Source: News Max [11/29] A group called the Citizen's for Responsibility and Ethics in Washington has bigger fish to fry than trying to fit that moniker on a business card. Among other things, they're whining to the IRS about VRWC heavyweight, Dr. James Dobson. They're convinced that Dobson and his Focus on the Family cabal crossed the line when it engaged in "electioneering" during the last election cycle. The 'smoking gun', in their fevered brains, is the fact that Dobson endorsed candidates for Congress 'before the organization officially formed its separate public policy arm' (News Max). Will Dr. D find himself on the nasty end of an IRS audit/investigation? Probably not. Whether you like him or not, Dr. D is a very smart cookie. He knows were the line is and I seriously doubt that he'd be dumb enough to cross it. Don't lose any sleep hoping for - or dreading - an IRS assault on Dobson, because, as long as his homeboy George W. Bush hangs his Stetson in the Oval Office, it's not gonna happen. Supernaturalism News Nuggets Sand Money Religious Tolerance Apparently, the Mecca Maniac zealots running Saudi Arabia didn't get copied on CAIR's (Council on American-Islamic Relations) rant about Islam and inalienable individual liberty being perfectly compatible. Yeah, right, CAIR punks. This teacher was free to say anything he wanted, as long as he wanted to say and do what the Sand Box zealots wanted to hear. Stop Or I'll Jump His brothers laughed it off, but their mirth was short-lived when Tyler opened the door to the ride and jumped out. Since the ride was doing at least 35 mph at the time, Tyler achieved room temperature the instant he hit the ground. Holy hypersensitivity, Batman! True Believer Panty Twister - Foreign "I will never accept that respect for a religious stance leads to the curtailment of criticism, humour and satire in the press." (Anders Rasmussen, Denmark's prime minister) "To demand that we take religious feelings into consideration is irreconcilable with western democracy and freedom of expression. This doesn't mean that we want to insult any Muslims." (Jyllands-Posten editor, Carsten Juste) Denmark's leading daily fishwrap, Jyllands-Posten, got a wild hair up its butt after the fishwrap's editor, Carsten Juste, learned about the difficulties a children's writer was having in getting an artist to do some pictures for his tome on the Koran and Mohammed's life. No artist was willing to risk alienating the highly combustible, violence-prone, Mecca Maniacs by crafting images of the Prophet Mohammed. Outraged by this blatant intimidation of artistic freedom, Carsten Juste hatched his plan to test the mythical concept that Mecca Manics have a sense of humor:
Did the Mecca Maniacs see the humor in this free speech exercise? Not exactly. In addition to the usual death threats plus protests by the ambassadors of 11 Mecca Maniac countries, 'thousands of Muslims have taken to the streets to protest the caricatures' (Telegraph). Will these 12 Dutch artists suffer the fate of filmmaker Theo Van Gogh who was murdered by an outraged Islamist? Given what passes for Mecca Maniac tolerance, the answer, regrettably, is yes. PIG News salutes Jyllands-Posten, Carsten Juste, Aders Rasmussen and these 12 artists for tempting a room temperature fate by standing up for their inherent right to free speech. Given the Islamist track record of murdering their critics, that's heroism on a mind-boggling scale. True Believer Panty Twister - Domestic Cross Cultists are spitting and hissing over a painting that's part of an Dutchess Community College art exhibit. The painting that boosted them into emotional orbit - "Magdalene Mourning Her Lover" - takes advantage of the on-going "Da Vinci Code" uproar by depicting Mary Magdalene holding a room temperature Cross Dude in her arms. Outraged by this intolerable notion, true believers are staging a vigil to let everyone know that "they're mad as hell and aren't going to take it anymore":
Since I'm that kind of pagan, I'll take her admonitions in turn. Would I aim my alleged humor at the Dalai Lama? You bet. The God of Islam? Him too. The God of Judaism? Regularly. The time of Christian-bashing is over? Why wasn't I copied on that memo. Truth be told, I'm usually content to leave supernaturalists alone, but, when a golden gem of an opportunity comes along...I'm only human, so cut me some slack. PIG-Worthy Papal Advice Alarmed by the declining European birthrate, especially in such Rosary True Believer strongholds as Italy and Spain, Pope Benedict XVI decided to inspire the relevant officials into doing the right thing to make large families more appealing:
I know what you're thinking and as usual, I'm way ahead of you. The goodie that makes this tidbit PIG-Worthy is this: This "reproduce early and often" advice comes from a lifelong bachelor who lives in a palace that's isolated - on purpose - from the rigors of daily life. A man who promotes celibacy for himself and his Catholic priest homeboys is the last person who is qualified to tell somebody to go forth a propagate the species. Lead by example, Pope dude. Line up a couple of eager to get horizontal hotties and do your own fruitful multiplying. All things considered, I won't hold my breath waiting for a rousing "Amen" from the congregation. OCTOBER 2005
False Advertising? Source: Chicago Sun-Times [10/17] Espousing a company culture that is founded on Cross Cult morals and principles, the AFLAC insurance company would seem to be an ideal place for a staunch Cross Cultist to make a living. That fact is borne out by the fact that AFLAC actively recruits Cross Cultists by posting its job openings on Cross Cult Internet sites. The fly in this true believer ointment, according to AFLAC employee Lori Johnson, is that the company has a rather warped notion of proper Cross Cult morality. On the surface, it all seems properly pious, from the prayers at corporate meetings to 'the company's demand that associates not engage in "conduct involving moral turpitude, dishonesty, fraud, deceit (or) wilful misrepresentation."...' (Sun-Times). Despite its stellar, true believer prose, AFLAC proved itself merely mortal when it turned a blind eye to the very public affair that two AFLAC employees - one was Lori's husband, the other a female co-worker - perpetrated shamelessly:
Lori is shocked, shocked, I tell you, that AFLAC isn't living up to its highly touted Christian morals and principles billing:
Despite the fact that "her entire world was turned upside down", now divorced Lori endures the ongoing embarrassment and humiliation of her continued employment at AFLAC with the two, still-employed lovers. PIG feels Lori's pain, but we're hard pressed to be shocked about anything perpetrated by a firm that is symbolized by that annoying - in the extreme - AFLAC duck. More Westboro Baptist Insanity Montana's Carroll College granted the homophobic pinheads who infest Westboro Baptist a heckler's veto after the group served up a thinly veiled threat in their flier denouncing the Ivory Tower's differently-sexual confab. In addition to their usual "homos suck" and "Uncle Sam sucks more" prose, the Westboro peabrains' flier included alarming prose that 'makes references to the use of "Improvised Explosive Devices"...' (Independent Record). Given their track record, these Westboro lunatics are destined to escalate their antics from hot air to outright terrorism, any time now. It's only a matter of time, so certain precautions are essential. For those who care, the tipping point for the Westboro Baptist asshats was the fun fact that the featured speaker at this lecture is Judy Shepard, mother of murder victim Matthew Shepard. The Independent Record shares these fetid Westboro facts:
Understandably upset, Carroll College officials decided to err on the side of caution by refusing to let a GLAAD BAAG cabal, Montana Human Rights Network, set up a table outside the event. The last thing Carroll College officials want is a confrontation, which explains why they're granting these Westboro scumbags a heckler's veto. Their school, their decision, but this pagan scribbler dares to hope that others painted with the Westboro Baptist bull's-eye will mount a much more vigorous defense of the First Amendment's free speech protections. No matter what you think about the differently sexual, you must draw the line when these Westboro Baptist scumbags are allowed to terrorize those with whom they disagree into silence. Inalienable individual liberty applies to every damn body, including the differently sexual. Judy Shepard may not be saying the kind of things you want to hear, but, since this is still the land of the free, she's damn sure got a right to say them. It's a liberty thing, first amendment Sparky. Afterthought: Proselytizing E. T. A Jesuit religious brother named Guy Consolmagno SJ is, believe it or not, an astronomer who works at two of the Vatican's observatories. Apparently, Guy needs to lay off the sacramental wine because he's written a book titled "Intelligent Life in the Universe?" Among other things Guy's book addresses Catholic belief as it applies to those interstellar tourists who make Art Bell's radio show so memorable. Straying way outside the box, Guy poses the following questions:
Big, big fun, but who gets to lay this "You're toast because some wench from another planet ate an apple" stuff on our interstellar visitors? While we're in burning question mode, am I the only alleged human who didn't know that the Vatican has two observatories? Supernaturalism Tidbits Pine Bluff (Arkansas)
Safety minded to the end, Pastor Mark has this advice for those who don't play "beam me up, Saint Scotty" when that Rapture trumpet sounds: "We're especially concerned that nobody get trampled, because, of course, the ushers will be gone." Kansas University (Kansas)
Advocating that rational adults counteract rampaging supernaturalism with "ridicule argument and battle" Salman seems to be begging for another supernaturalist bull's-eye. Getting Rich For The Lord Being the pastor for a Brit Toll Booth - a popular Afro-Caribbean church called Kingsway International Christian Centre - was very enriching for Matthew Ashimoloowo. According to an investigation by a Brit charity watchdog cabal - the Charity Commission - Matthew played fast and loose with the church's funds:
Although a rational adult would, quite rightly, conclude that Matthew can't be trusted with a tyke's piggy bank, the church renewed his contract to shepherd the charity which in 2001 pulled in a whopping £7.3 million. Although the Toll Booth continues to trust this spendthrift padre, they did add a pesky clause to his new contract - after the Charity Commission pressured them into it - that requires Matthew to refund £200,000 that he liberated due to the Toll Booth's "serious misconduct and mismanagement". File this epic under "Fleeced for the lord" in your PIG News archives. Thus Sayeth The Lord? The bovine excrement is gonna hit the proverbial fan thanks to a new, three-part BBC series, "In Elusive Peace: Israel and the Arabs". Why? Because in this boob tube epic, two key Palestinian players, Abu Mazen, Palestinian Prime Minister, and Nabil Shaath, his Foreign Minister, insist that they heard President Bush make the following statements during their first meeting with him in 2003:
Given the BBC's notoriously lefty, Bush-bashing bias, you gotta take such things with a Jupiter size grain of salt. Furthermore, since this story broke, official White House spokespunks deny that W ever said these things. Did he or didn't he? We may never know. On the other hand, would a true believer like our president believe he is on a mission from Old Ka-Boom? Probably, but I still can't see him blurting this out in front of these Palestinian hacks. Wiccan Whiner Navy veteran, Scott Stearns is in a whiz-a-thon with the Department of Veteran Affairs over the markings Scott wants on his headstone when he's interred for his final rest in a military cemetery. An avowed Wiccan, Scott wants the relevant authorities in the aforementioned bureaucracy to engrave the symbol of his faith - a pentacle - on his gravestone. Since, so far, nobody in Veterans Affairs has saluted this notion, Scott asked the ACLU to do some shysterized arm-twisting to get 'er done for him. A spokeswench from the VA's National Cemetery Administration sent up these spin-doctored notions:
The final point is one worth skewering, since as Mr. Stearns points out there isn't an central authority for Christians, Jews, or Muslims either. This pagan feels Scott Stearns pain, but we respectfully suggest that he refrain from holding his breath for Nanny State approval while a diehard Cross Cultist like W is in the Oval Office. Creation Theory Of The Week The newest kid on the creation theory block isn't Intelligent Design, it's a thrilling new notion named "Flying Spaghetti Monsterism" (FSM) and its worth exploring. Why? Because it's more fun than a barrel of evolved Darwinian apes and tons more thrilling that a sack of Garden of Eden serpents:
PIG News salutes Bobby Henderson for his imaginative contribution to the creation theory debate. If Intelligent Design belongs in a science classroom, then so does Flying Spaghetti Monsterism. No justice, no peace. SEPTEMBER 2005
Anti-Defamation League Angst Source: Washington Post [09/29] The Torah True Believers in the Anti-Defamation League have their supernaturalist panties in a wad because the Southern Baptists are using Jews who converted to Christianity to evangelize unconverted Jews. In theory, ADL director Abraham Foxman can cope with an individual who sheds his Torah True Believer supernaturalism for Cross Cultism. What rots his socks is letting - or encouraging - that newly converted Cross Cultist "spread the good news" to other Torah True Believers. Some-damn-how, that's "offensive". What put this fun on the front burner is the suggestion that Southern Baptist Convention (SBC) formalize their relationship with the "enlightened" Torah True Believers - they call themselves the "Southern Baptist Messianic Fellowship". Official recognition would legitimize the Messianic Fellowship's antics, somehow, and that's what makes Abe Foxman go postal. PIG News suspects that Abe is still steamed at the SBC for its 1996 resolution to spread the good news to the Jews. Or, it could be a 1999 SBC prayer guide that advocated trying to convert the Torah True Believers during their high holy days. Abe needs to develop a sense of humor, because PIG News thinks these SBC antics are more fun than a Comedy Channel special. Shay Has Two Mommies A Mexifornia teenage wenchlet named Shay Clark got black flagged by her school, Ontario Christian School, when school officials found out that Shay's parents are a lesbian couple that has cohabitated for 22 years and have two other children, both daughters. Two mommies is a no-no for the school, thanks to a policy that states: '...that at least one parent cannot engage in practices "immoral or inconsistent with a positive Christian life style such as cohabitating without marriage or in a homosexual relationship"...' (AP). I know what you're thinking and in this case you're wrong. Shay and her mommies aren't going shyster bonkers on the school, but have accepted the decision and transferred Shay to a nearby public school. The Ontario Christian School is entitled to set and enforce any rules that thrill them spitless, but I wonder what lasting impact this "punish the child for the sins of her mothers" will have on Shay. I'm guessing that this shining example of Cross Cult tolerance won't be lost on her. She's seen it up close and personal, and she's unlikely to forgive and forget this disruption in her life. Nice work, Cross Cult punks, you're a real credit to your savior and his teachings about love, understanding, and forgiveness. San Diego's Defender of Morality San Diego's self-appointed defender of morality, James Hartline, is back in action but, this time out, he's targeting pagans, instead of his usual target, the differently sexual. We first encountered Jimmy, last month, when he got painted with a bull's-eye by some a militant GLAAD BAAG ('San Diego's Culture War Heats Up' 08/21/2005). Jimmy is, apparently, a multi-faceted defender of public morality because he's coming unglued over San Diego's forthcoming "Pagan Pride" festivities. Issuing a 'calling all Christians' alarm, Jimmy summons all Cross Cultists to join his "emergency" prayer and fasting ritual, to cleanse the evil this pagan gathering will inflict on San Diego:
James Hartline is, probably, a lot more fun than the denizens of San Diego deserve. Probably, but as long as he confines himself to alarmist e-mails and paranoid "the Devil is coming" pronouncements, his antics rate a non-negotiable "no harm, no foul" from this pagan scribbler. Papal Cleansing in Amerikan Seminaries According to this Big Apple fishwrap, the Pope is ready to launch a search and destroy mission to evict differently-sexual priests from Rosary True Believer seminaries. Quoting a document someone slipped to them, the Times reports that the Vatican will dispatch inquisitors - I mean "inspectors" - to all 229 seminaries in the USA. Once there, the inspectors will seek out the differently-sexual and dump them like a bad habit. At the same time, these inquisitors will seek out anyone who dissents from church doctrine and cleanse the seminary of this impure theology. Will the Pope succeed in restoring 4th century purity to its egregiously liberal Amerikan church? Probably. Will it change life as I know it? Nope. Mark this one "No harm, no foul" in your PIG News archives. AUGUST 2005
Mother Nature Running Wild or Celestial Smiting? Source: World Net Daily [08/31] The towers of true believer tolerance who call themselves 'Repent America' are back in the news. We first encountered these twerps in last week's PIG News Digest when they made life thrilling for everyone who attended a certain Phillies game ["Culture War Clash In Philly" (08/21)]. This time out, our merry band of meatheads are opining that their deity - the one I affectionately dubbed Old Ka-Boom - dispatched Hurricane Katrina to New Orleans to punish the city for its outrageous sins against decency and deity-dictated heterosexuality. Repent America's is in a lather over a nifty bit of public perversion called "Southern Decadence 2005". According to an item published by the pious purveyors of World Net Daily, Southern Decadence is a differently-sexual sin-a-thon:
Repent America didn't mince words when they proclaimed that Hurricane Katrina was mild mannered Old Ka-Boom passing judgement on sin-drenched New Orleans:
Michael sounds like a relentlessly fun guy who has way too much time on his hands. Putting together the salient facts, PIG's crackpot sleuths suspect that Repent America is, in reality, 5 angry dudes with a letterhead and a fax machine. You heard it here, first. A Holy Roller Panty Twister A Cross Cult Educrap cabal - the Association of Christian Schools - went shyster bonkers on the University of California system when Mexifornia's state funded Ivory Towers refused to certify certain Cross Cult schools because these holy roller schools teach Creationism in their so-called "science" classes. Another course that didn't make the cut was "Christianity's Influence in American History".
The U.C. system's position seems to pass the smell test, since the system is, quite rightfully, refusing to pin a 'science' label on Creationism and its virtual twin, Intelligent Design. These Christian Schools can teach anything that thrills them spitless, but, they don't have the right to demand that the U. C. system stand up and salute their warmed-over supernaturalism. Robertson Waffles Reeling from the blowback generated by his 700 Club musings that assassinating Venezuela's Marxist asshat President, Hugo Chavez is an idea whose time has come, Televangelist Pat Roberston tried to redefine reality today. Ignoring the modern boob tube technology that recorded his prose for posterity, our loquacious hero insists that he was misinterpreted. Nice try Pat, but that dog won't hunt. Here's the money quote from that legendary 700 Club show:
Today, our hero claims he really said:
Nice try, but no cigar Pat. It's time to be a man about what you really said and stand by it, or apologize. Hugo Chavez might not forgive you, but your chosen deity will, since, according to persistent rumors, He is in the forgiveness business. Thus Sayeth The Lord's Main Man This just in: Televangelist Pat Robertson just borrowed the dog-eared "Just shoot the bastard" page from my lovely bride's playbook. While ruminating out loud on yesterday's broadcast of 'The 700 Club', Pat uncorked a gem that has the lunatic lefty fringe in a lather. It happened while Pat did some thinking out loud about Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez:
Since this Marxist Venezuelan cretin gives Pat a pain where the sun don't shine, the solution seems simple: Some Southern Fried Cross Cultist should loan Pat a suitable weapon - plus ample ammo - from his personal arsenal, then pass the hat to buy Robertson a plane ticket to Caracas. From there, we're willing to let, uh, nature take its course. Why is PIG forced to do all the heavy lifting on these things? Differently-Religious In Indiana Last year, when an Indiana judge - Marion County Judge Cale Bradford - presided over the divorce of Thomas Jones and his significant other, Tammy Bristol, Judge Bradford added a clause that obligated the parents - both of whom are Wiccan - to 'shield their son from their "non-mainstream" faith' (AP). Neither of the parents were thrilled by this legal overreach, so, aided and abetted by the ACLU, they ran Judge Bradford's decree up the shyster flagpole. This week, the Indiana Court of Appeals bitch slapped Judge Bradford back to his senses by overturning his ruling. The Appeals court reminded Judge Bradford that, according to prevailing state law, the custodial parent(s) have the sole authority to determine their child's upbringing, including religious training. Bold new concept. Unless he, she, heshe or it is inflicting physical emotional harm on the child in their custody, how the parent chooses to raise the tyke is their call, not the state's. I hear those outraged bellows, PIGsters, but you're not thinking this through. If, today, the Nanny State can dictate, in great specificity, what flavor of supernaturalism you can or can't inflict on your tyke, what's to stop them from dictating, in great specificity, what foods you can or can't feed your child...what books you can or can't allow the child to read? Are we all on the same page now Sparky, or are you still taking this pagan scribbler's name in vain? Compulsory Christianity? Certain denizens of a the Illinois Chinese American Residence for the Elderly went lawsuit bonkers after the president of the public housing facility's board of directors - Angela Yuan - tried to force her captive audience to adopt Cross Cultism and attend Tome classes. Angela's victims are up to here with it and want it stopped, right damn now.
Citing a "religiously hostile and intimidating environment" the involuntary Cross Cultists are suing the sox off Ms. Yuan, the Illinois Chinese American Residence, plus Providence Management and Development Company, Inc. At press time, neither Old Ka-Boom nor any member of his Celestial Host had responded to PIG News' repeated inquiries. Did Dr. Dobson Step In It? The Anti-Defamation League (ADL) painted an anti-Semite bull's-eye on Traditional Family Values fanatic, emeritus, Dr. James Dobson after the loquacious Dr. Jim had the temerity to compare stem cell research to the Nazi's infamous medical experiments.
If you're breathlessly awaiting an apology from Doctor Jimmy, wake the hell up, because apologizing is so not his style. The ADL can huff, puff, and bellow all they want, but, in the end, they'll be forced to get over it. If that's a daunting challenge for them this scribbler suggests that they consider the source. In this instance, I feel safe in assuming a rousing "amen" from the congregation is not forthcoming. So be it. The Mexas Tome Tussle A "religious watchdog group", the Texas Freedom Network, isn't thrilled spitless with the Tome-based classes that a true believer cabal - the National Council on Bible Curriculum - shoe-horned into certain government cess-schools. According to the Tome promoters in the Council on Bible Curriculum, the courses for which they shill use the Tome as a historical text, not as a source of supernaturalist indoctrination. The watchdog group, barked out this response to the Council's claims:
Is the National Council on Bible Curriculum using taxpayer dollars to promote their supernaturalism in the government cess-schools? Probably. Do the whiners in the Texas Freedom Network have a snowball's chance in holy roller Hell of putting a stop to it? Probably not. Is this blatant Cross Cult evangelism in government schools any worse than the multicultural sludge spewed by lefty Educrats? Nope. The sad fact is that certain Mexas denizens don't give a flaming damn if their government schools graduate idiots with self-esteem, as long as these government cess-school graduates are properly-pious idiots with self esteem. This pagan scribbler doesn't give a damn how true believers indoctrinate their tykes. I just wish there was some damn way to make them stop doing it on my dime. JULY 2005
Cross Cult Adoption Update Source: AP [07/20] Bethany Christian Services' Mississippi affiliate wilted under the heat applied by outraged Cross Cultists and tweaked its adoption rules to make Catholic couples who want to adopt street legal the Magnolia State. The Mississippi adoption agency did a 180 the moment Bethany Christian Services national board sounded off on their antics:
This just in: excrement still rolls downhill, even when Old Ka-Boom is on your side. Bold new concept. Cross
Cult Whiz-A-Thon When a "Christian adoption agency" turned them down as prospective parents, a Mississippi couple was unpleasantly shocked to learn that they'd been rejected because they're "Catholics". Letting otherwise qualified Catholic couples adopt is a non-starter for Bethany Christian Services, because Rosary True Believerism conflicts with the adoption agency's "Statement of Faith" some-damn-how. I'd love to explain this conflict but I can't, because my fishwrap source was annoyingly devoid of the relevant details. Okay, okay, I really didn't care enough to track it down. If you're so motivated, loyal reader, knock yourself out. Contrary to alleged pagan scribbler wisdom, all Cross Cult sects are not created equal, so sayeth Bethany Christian Services. Learn something new every day. Benny
Hinn In The IRS Bull's-Eye A perennial PIG favorite, hair helmet poster dude Benny Hinn, is, if the reports are true, the subject of an IRS investigation. Although his hair deserves a comprehensive scientific investigation it isn't - hard as that might be to believe - the reason the tax punks are checking him out. Benny is beyond fun and that's a no shit fact, but he's also very shifty, so I seriously doubt that this IRS probe will produce any useable dirt on him. Why, you ask, are they picking on Benny? Benny is a longtime target of Cross Cult watchdog groups who aren't thrilled spitless by the hair helmeted healer. For starters, they insist that his $100,000,000 a year holy roller empire does not meet the IRS's definition for a church. To help you get the big picture on Benny, PIG News offers the following items into the official record:
Don't let the hair helmet fool you, Benny is very damn clever. The IRS can investigate until the bovines come home and they'll come up empty. If you're a gambler, the smart money backs Benny all the way. Spiritual
Warfare A Rochester (New York) boob tube outlet reports that a local Toll Booth - New Born Fellowship Christian Center - is on a 'war' footing complete with an army missile parked inside the church and all the Cross Cultists dressed in fatigues/military uniforms. The name of this atypical supernaturalist outburst is "Spiritual Warfare". It's a fun filled dose of Cross Cultism that urges true believers to engage in spiritual warfare by praying for Amerika's men and women in uniform, plus the teenagers who are trying to stay off drugs and out of gangs. If you're waiting for this pagan scribbler to slam the way these true believers commemorate the Fourth of July, learn to live with your disappointment. Spiritual Warfare rates a non-negotiable "no harm, no foul". A
Rosary True Believer Adventure A Surrender Monkey wench, a Catholic theologian, thrilled Rosary True Believer officials spitless when she proclaimed herself a priest. Obviously, her antics take dead aim at the Pope posse's "men are men and you're not" creed that bans women from the priesthood. Although our heroine, Genevieve Beney, knows that the church's law dictates that "only a baptized male can be ordained a priest", she refuses to go along with such blatant sexism. In other words, Genevieve's law trumps the church's law. Bold New Concept. Since Rosary True Believer membership is voluntary, Genevieve needs to get real about her religious affiliation. If she agreed to adhere to all the church's teachings, then her self-ordination is way out of line. Since it's unlikely, in the extreme, that the church will change the rules just for Genevieve, she needs to sever her church affiliation and find one that's more enlightened. If none exists, then she should start her own. That's what happened during the Protestant Reformation, so it's a well traveled road. The only thing Genevieve accomplished with her antics is make excommunication a virtual certainty. So be it. JUNE 2005
Polygamist Punks In The Bull's-Eye Source: AP [06/22] The supernaturalist horndogs who rule a renegade Mormon sect got a nasty shock this week when a judge barred six trustees from the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints from access to the millions they held in trust for the sect's members. Until the court appoints new trustees, an independent auditor will nursemaid the church's assets which include businesses, houses and other property in Hildale, Utah and Colorado City, Arizona. This legal action opens a second front in a continuing effort by Arizona and Utah authorities to restore the inalienable liberty of the sect's members. It comes on the heels of an indictment against the sect's top supernaturalist, Warren Jeffs, for marrying off a teenage wench to a dirty old, already married man. Jeffs is also the lucky winner of 'I'll sue that bastard' shyster assaults for sexual abuse, plus assorted other asshat antics. When last seen, this cretin was hiding out in his cult's new North Mexas enclave. This pagan scribbler has no sympathy for the adults who, voluntarily, let Warren Jeffs run/ruin their lives. If that's all he did, it would rate a "no harm, no foul", but Warren is much more vile than that. According to credible reports, Warren and his homeboys, routinely, coerce young girls into marrying old farts, making it impossible for these girls to refuse or get away. That's intolerable and a legitimate area of concern for state and local authorities. That's why this pagan scribbler thinks its time to track down this rat bastard and give him a long overdue judicial system reality check. Big
Cross Cult Fun Cross Cultists are in a tizzy - yes, again - over a plan by the United Church of Christ to subject the Cross Dude's divinity to a vote at a church-wide confab next month. To the casual pagan scribbler observer - that would be me - the proposed resolution seems like a no brainer since it states, in unambiguous terms that 'Jesus Christ is Lord...making it mandatory for clergy to accept his divinity' (New Jersey.com). What appears to be a slam dunk is not, we are told, that simple:
Believe it or not, this resolution on the Cross Dude's divinity is likely to fail and that's more than a tad puzzling to this pagan. Is it hopelessly irrational to ask why this sect calls itself "The United Church of Christ" if the Cross Dude is nothing more than some poor bastard who pissed off the wrong people 2000 years ago? If the Cross Dude isn't a deity, that undermines the core message promoted in the New Testament. As a diehard pagan, I'm allowed to go there, but believing in the dude's divinity seems like a non-negotiable prerequisite, if you're calling yourself a "Christian". It's go figure time - in the extreme - in this pagan scribbler's top secret bunker. Taking
Their Homo Hating Show On The Road The Westboro Baptist Church of Topeka, Kansas took their 'hating homos for the Lord' act on the road again, when they showed up to make life miserable for the residents of Dracut, Massachusetts. In case you wondered, Westboro's prime homo hater, Fred Phelps reached critical, homo-hating mass after a Dacut elementary wenchlet wrote an essay about GLAAD BAAG entertainer, Ellen DeGeneres. In addition to thrilling those attending the elementary school's graduation ceremonies, Fred's homo hating brigade strutted their stuff 'outside Boston area churches and graduation ceremonies' (Boston Channel). The following quotes capture the essence of Westboro Baptist's latest road show:
Call us names if you must, but "Bible-thumping morons" describes Fred Phelps and his homo hating horde perfectly. Baptist
Convention Update The Southern Baptist Convention's (SBC) Resolutions Committee will get the fun rolling when they discuss a resolution that would call for Southern Baptist parents to pull their tykes from the government cess-school system. If you're feeling deja vu twinges, don't panic, the same resolution was run up the Resolutions Committee flagpole last year, but nobody saluted it. Armed with 2002-vintage data from a SBC cabal called the Council on Family Life, the resolution's perpetrators - Grady Arnold, a Mexas pastor, and David Scarbrough, minister of educrap for a Tennessee SBC Toll Booth - warn that 88% of SBC tykes who graduate from government cess schools leave the church. [PIG News will refrain - with considerable difficulty - from commenting on this exodus from the SBC flock.] For those who obsess on pesky details, here's what this year's "Thus sayeth the Lord: yank thy children from the devil's cess-schools." resolution actually says:
Will our holy roller heroes 'get 'er done' this year? PIG News hasn't got a clue, but it's a slam dunk that watching them give it the old college try promises to be a total hoot. MAY 2005
A PIG Public Service Announcement Source: A Press Release By "Prophet Yahweh" A dude billing himself as the Prophet Yahweh, seer of Yahweh and Ufologist, issued a press release that, believe it or not, has been relentlessly ignored in the so-called "mainstream media". PIG is shocked, shocked I tell you, that this selfless seer is treated so shabbily, so we're offering up the following tidbits from the Prophet's press release:
Is this real, or another Internet hoax? PIG News doesn't know and isn't motivated to chase it down. If you're curious about Prophet Yahweh, you can find all his fun facts here: (Web Link) This epic validates the old adage: truth really is stranger than fiction. Go figure. It's
Southern Baptist Convention Time, Again The action packed Southern Baptist Convention is scheduled for next month in Nashville and the usual suspects are already front loading their resolutions. Still smarting from the defeat he suffered at last year's convention, Houston shyster, Bruce Shortt, is proposing a variation of last year's unsuccessful resolution that urged Southern Bapitists to remove their tykes from "godless" public schools. Bruce is still locked into the same notion, but he's put a few more ribbons and bows on it, this time out:
No matter how this new, improved, resolution fares, Bruce - along with all his Southern Baptist homeboys - will make a June a thrilling month for your PIG News staff. Nothing rings in the Summer like this annual Southern Baptist food fight. GOP
Gets A Heavenly Endorsement According to our top secret news sources, a Waynesville (North Carolina) Baptist pastor named Chan Chandler Emerilized the 2004 Oval Office derby big time, last fall. Pastor Chan kicked Tome rhetoric up several notches when he issued a decree from the pulpit that anyone who didn't vote for W wasn't wanted or needed in his faithful flock. This pastoral edict bore bitter fruit when, at a Monday meeting, 9 flock members were "voted out" and 40 more left, voluntarily to protest the move. During my youthful tenure among the Cross Cultists, I, somehow, managed to miss the Tome verse that admonished: Thus sayeth the Lord, thou shalt vote Republican or imperil thy eternal soul. I'm guessing that this particular Tome prose is found in an ultra top secret Tome goodie named 'The Gospel According To Rove" that's restricted to the select few among the True Believer clergy. Learn something new every day. Gospel
According to Rove - Update Pastor Chan Chandler's "vote Elephant Clan or hit the road" antics claimed another victim today, when, unable to endure the New Nitwit firestorm, he resigned his pastoral post at East Waynesville (North Carolina) Baptist Church. His departure prompted 40 of his hard core supporters to leave with him, leaving the congregation in complete disarray and pastorless. Is this the last we'll hear of Pastor Chandler and his beloved Gospel According to Rove? I doubt it. National
Day of Prayer According to a news report, an Idaho Atheist cabal wants a federal court to stop state authorities from relocating the group's planned, pre-approved, "Day of Prayer" protest from the state capitol's steps to another location. What has Idaho Atheist panties in a hyper wad is the reason for the site change: state officials need the location for their annual "Day of Prayer" observance. Setting aside the hyperbole emanating from Idaho Atheists and their True Believer counterparts, this pagan scribbler has a couple stray notions to share about this "Day of Prayer" panty twister. For starters, Idaho Atheists need to grow up and get a life if this annual prayer day is their number one with a bullet issue. Conversely, if true believers can have a day devoted to prayer, why can't rational adults get a day devoted to 'reason'...a National Day of Thinking. I can hear those squeaky wheels turning, Sparky, and as usual, I'm all over it. Thinking about what? At minimum, everyone, especially the Nanny State hacks in D.C., might spend the day reading the U.S. Constitution, so they can get up close and personal the strict limits our nation's founding document places on the federal government. Amerika's Tyranny of the Majority horde would learn that the U.S. Constitution does not include an exhaustive list of individual rights. Everyone would learn that the Constitution does include strict, non-negotiable limits on the government's proper functions, limits that secure each Amerikan's inalienable individual liberty from infringement by the government and/or a Tyrannical, "We're in The Majority" horde. It's highly unlikely that devoting one day a year to thinking could destroy the Nanny State, but it would be a hoot to watch Amerika's emotionally-driven majority trying to jump start those atrophied intellectual muscles. The
Revelations Recalculation Some Tome experts just finished translating what's reputed to a 'Book of Revelations' fragment from 'the oldest surviving copy of the New Testament' (Telegraph) and they have thrilling news for all you "The end is near" devotees - and we both know who you are. Heretofore, the most infamous numerology in supernaturalist history is the legendary "666", but, according to a top Tome Egghead, supernaturalists and Satanists might need to recompute this contention:
Somebody grab the smelling salts, stat...I think Hal Lindsey just fainted. As for Tim LeHaye, I'll let somebody else tell him he's gotta rewrite all his "Left Behind" prose. All things considered, I'll reserve judgement on this beastly number scam, for now, because, truth be told, "666" is much niftier than "616". APRIL 2005
Fleeced For The Lord Source: AP [04/27] From our 'there's one born every minute' desk we present the saga of two Utah women who fell for a supernaturalist's scam. In exchange for their life savings, the women were promised 'land and a face-to-face meeting with Jesus Christ' (AP). Eventually, even these two reality challenged wenches 'got it', so they did the Amerikan thing and sued the socks of Jim Harmston and The True and Living Church of Jesus Christ of Saint of the Last Days. Whew! Try fitting that on a business card...But I digress. The women won the first court contest, but this week a district court judge shot them down and tossed out the case. That's hardly breaking news, however one trial-related tidbit is worth passing along:
Since this "Blame Old Ka-Boom" excuse got a judicial seal of approval it looks, to this pagan scribbler, like you can scam true believers until those proverbial bovines come home, as long as you perpetrate it as a certified supernaturalist. Bold new concept. Guess
Who's Coming To Visit? GLAAD BAAGs are so thrilled with family values poster punk - Dr. James Dobson - that they're planning a special visit to Dr. D's Focus on the Family bunker in Colorado Springs on Sunday, May 1. The combination picnic and rally sounds nifty, but don't hold your breath waiting for PIG staffers to join the expected 600 - 1,000 GLAAD BAAG attendees. Those clueless readers who wonder how Dr. D sinned against the differently-sexual will be delighted to learn that the protest organizers insist that Dr. D is public enemy number one when it comes to the Cross Cult's war on the differently sexual.
The GLAAD BAAG group behind this 'consciousness raising' effort - Soulforce - won't have the public forum all to itself, because that world famous "we hate homos for the Lord" cabal from Topeka (Puritanica - the state formerly known as Kansas), Fred Phelps' Westboro Baptist Church will be there to give the GLAAD BAAGs a reality check on Cross Cult tolerance. Fred has his own issues with Dr. D. His panties are in a bunch because Dr. D's cabal tries to pray, persuade and pontificate the differently-sexual back to Old Ka-Boom mandated heterosexuality via a "Love Won Out" program. How dare Dr. D try to rescue these dastardly sinners from their well deserved extra crispy sojourn in the hereafter? We're shocked, shocked I tell you. When apprised of the situation, Focus on The Family spokespunk, Paul Hetrick, spewed this inspirational prose:
Nice try Paul, but we're not that stupid. Nobody in their right mind would call Fred Phelps 'mainstream'. Fred is the poster boy for the religious right's lunatic fringe so don't get smug and smirky because you're more moderate than the Fredster and his happy band of homo haters. What makes these antics - Soulforce's and Fred's - so laughable is the thrilling fact that the target of their ire - Dr. D - won't even be in town to view all the fun. He'll be communing with his Theocon homeboys in D.C. No doubt he's terminally bummed that he'll miss all the fun. Life is so unfair that way. Cherry
Mama Sighting In The Windy City The hardest working denizen in the Celestial Realm, the ubiquitous Cherry Mama celebrated the Rosary True Believers' (RTB) change at the top by staging a personal appearance at the Windy City's newest shrine, the Kennedy Expressway's Fullerton underpass. The RTB faithful took one look at a water and road salt stain on the underpass's wall and went piously postal:
Dastardly secularists in the relevant road maintenance cabal were poised to paint over the image, but that didn't fly with the RTB faithful who littered the underpass with candles, flowers and other pious paraphernalia. For now, this Cherry Mama shrine is open for business, 24/7. Be there or be square, true believer Sparky. Supreme
Supernaturalist Stupidity A Northern Mexifornia supernaturalist with way too much time on his hands got a boo-boo on his Cross Cultism because, for at least 164 years, a local prominence bears the official name: Mount Diablo. Art Mijares is mad as hell over this geographical tribute to the horned demon and he's demanding that the feds change the name, stat:
Take a chill pill, Art and shut the hell up. Don't make me come up there. True
Believer Panty Twister Torah True Believers (henceforth TTBs) in a supernaturalist cabal called the 'World Gathering of Jewish Holocaust Survivors' are mad as hell at the Mormon Church over something Mormons call 'vicarious baptism'. The TTB cabal whines that Mormons don't rigorously enforce a 1995 pact in which they promised to stop baptizing room temperature TTBs into the Mormon Church. The Mormons insist that they did their best to purge the 380,000 holocaust victims from their 400 million name church list, but TTBs insist that 20,000 holocaust victim names remain. Also, the TTB cabal claims, new TTB names are still being added, every damn day and they're up to here with it. Despite repeated, Mormon promises to "knock it the hell off", the practice persists. That might explain why certain Empire State TTBs asked Comrade Hillary to lend a hand. According to this fishwrap piece, she had a chat with Utah Senator Orrin Hatch, for all the good it did. As recently as last month, room temperature TTBs were still grabbing the vicarious baptism brass ring. Don't hold your breath waiting for this supernaturalist panty twister to abate any time soon. Call me names if you must but I don't see the problem. A rational adult would simply acknowledge that Mormons are clinically bonkers - in the extreme - and shrug off this ridiculous vicarious baptism bovine excrement. If some intellectually flat-lining Mormon gets baptized for a long dead TTB, where's the harm? Do these whining TTBs honestly believe that Old Ka-Boom so vindictive that he'd toss a room temperature TTB out of the Celestial realm because some Mormon wingnut got baptized for him, her, himher or it? Which part of 'the Mormons are flipping bonkers' don't these TTB whiners understand? Afterthought: Holy
Hullabaloo During a speech at Christ Church of Hamilton and Wenham, Massachusetts, openly GLAAD BAAG Episcopal Bishop, Gene Robinson thrilled every Cross Cultist on the planet with prose suggesting that the Cross Dude might be - I'm not making this up - differently-sexual like Bishop Gene. When 'asked by a congregant how Christians could both accept homosexuality and the Bible's emphasis on redemption for sins', Bishop Gene spewed this thrilling prose:
You don't need Nostradamus to predict that Bishop Gene's, is only one dude's opinion. The Cross Cultists responded this way:
Am I the only one who suspects that Bishop Gene spews this stuff to outrage the traditional Anglicans who are less that thrilled spitless that our differently-sexual hero is an Anglican Church Bishop? I doubt it. Everyone needs a hobby and vexing Anglican Church true believers seems to thrill Bishop Gene big damn time. MARCH 2005
Ruskie Supernaturalism Rules Source: Los Angeles Times [03/29] Thanks to a controversial art exhibit that he booked, briefly, in 2003, Sakharov Museum's director, Yuri Samodurov, just got nailed by a Ruskie court for aiding and abetting the "blasphemous and profane" alleged art. Named "Caution: Religion", the show featured some beyond fun, allegedly-artistic, stuff:
Resident Old Ka-Boomists are thrilled with the convictions, but think the fines imposed - a $3,600 for Samodurov, plus a similar fine for his curator - were much too lenient. In the good old days of the Inquisition...they'd learn a very painful lesson, but Russian supernaturalism isn't that powerful, yet. The lessons learned from this episode - lessons that the museum's director and curator learned the hard way - is that while nobody was looking, the Ruskies went from state-imposed Atheism, to state-sanctioned Orthodox Christianity as their official theology. Don't hold your breath waiting for inalienable individual liberty to take root in Russia, because the Russian Orthodox Church won't allow it. Supernaturalism
News Briefs Kuala
Lumpur, Malaysia
Unable...unwilling is probably more accurate...to disband the state's supernaturalist thugs, Malaysian hacks imposed some new regulations that should cramp the holy head-breakers style. Before they stage a 'raid', the holy head-breakers must get approval from the district's chief of police. Then, if the raid is approved, they must allow senior police officials to accompany them on the raid. Afterthought: Philadelphia This pagan scribbler salutes the American Atheists for eschewing a confrontation. No doubt, the atheists are up to speed on a venerable fact about supernaturalism and it's adherents. Supernaturalism is, in fact, an emotional - not an intellectual - attachment, and it's impossible to reason with an emotion. Don't take my word for it, try reasoning with a five year old who is throwing a tantrum and you'll know the rest of the story. Placating
The Family Values Horde The U.S. Senate's top Theocon, Senator Rich Santorum, authored a bill called 'The Workplace Religious Freedom Act' that will further erode the property rights of Amerikans who own capitalist endeavors. According to a drool-splattered posting on the Focus on The Family Internet site, this bill will coerce business owners into accommodating their employees' religious beliefs. If enacted it would, for example, 'protect' a healthcare worker who refused to participate in medical procedures that violated their supernaturalist notions. Abortion is a prime example. Selling, prescribing, or otherwise aiding or abetting birth control might be another. The down and dirty on this 'Workplace Religious Freedom Act' is the fun fact that supernaturalists want to play "protected government class" too. Why should the properly-hyphenated have all the fun? When this bill passes, any employee can torture his employer with any asinine, stunt he, she, heshe or it can dream up by claiming it's a 'religious' thang. The Amerikan Theocracy is closer than you think, sovereign individual Sparky. IMAX
Disses Evolution Fearing hostile reactions from creationist audiences, a dozen or so IMAX theaters decided to banish movies that "promote evolution." According to the gloating piece perpetrated by World Net Daily's true believers, the flick that stirred up the ruckus is "Volcanos", a film that opines - you might want to send kiddies out of the room - that life on Earth might have started in and around undersea vents. How dare these dastardly...scientists...spew such unholy filth? What if - gasp - a child saw it? As a private firm, IMAX can - indeed must - give its target audience what it wants, even when that means appeasing science-phobic supernaturalists. In the short term, it's a winning - at the box office - strategy. It's the long term this pandering to the differently rational will be IMAX's undoing. Who will provide all the high tech goodies IMAX will need, when science, engineering, plus all that it provides vanishes, due to abject scientific ignorance? Who will want or need IMAX when the supernaturalist horde condemns Amerika to a new dark ages? Cherry
Mama Sighting The ubiquitous Cherry Mama (paganese for the Virgin Mary) made a brief pitstop in Dorchester, Massachusetts this week when she left her image in Susan McGuinness's roasting pan. Susan plans to safeguard the image which our top secret news sources describe as "the Virgin Mary holding the baby Jesus". Since she want public, Susan is besieged by calls from true believers. Some want her to pray. Others want to loan her a roasting pan. A few terminally confused 'saved' souls vow that they'll never wash dishes again. What are Susan's plans? She's plans to venerate the image in the traditional manner: she wants to sell the sacred roasting pan on E-Bay. And here you were worrying needlessly. GLAAD
BAAG-Induced, Holy Land Angst A Mexifornia based Cross Cult pastor, Lou Giovinetti, is alarmed over the likely celestial repercussions if GLAAD BAAGs convene in Jerusalem this summer for a 10-day prance-a-thon called "WorldPride 2005". Invoking a GLAAD BAAG plot to defile Old Ka-Boomism, Pastor Lou cites the fun fact that WorldPride 2000 occurred in Rome:
Pastor Lou is also worried that his bipolar deity will unleash his legendary wrath with a Sodom and Gomorra class tantrum that will leave Jerusalem a smoldering ruin. He's so terrified that he rounded up signatures from other noted Ka-Boomists on a petition to the Israeli government, begging Israel's ruling hacks to cancel the International pride-a-thon, before it's too late.
Setting aside the fun fact that a tragically delusional Pastor Lou smell's the 'homosexual agenda to defile supernaturalism' every time a GLAAD BAAG passes gas, we're left with one nifty reality byte. Israel is populated by hard core Old Ka-Boomists who whose idea of tolerance does not include 'turning the other cheek' when the GLAAD BAAG horde invades the Holy Land. This PIG scribbler predicts more big fun over this GLAAD BAAG Holy Land invasion and he fully intends to bring you all those stop the presses details. Emerilizing
The Communion Wafer No less that 90 "master bakers" from a Danish island, Funen, are in a headlong rush to Emerilize that venerable Cross Cult snack, the communion wafer, by kicking up the bland, Sunday morsel several notches. What else are they gonna do with their time, while Mother Nature gives then her annual, uh, snow job? What, you ask, do local Cross Cult Toll Takers (ministers) think about this? Copenhagen deacon Finn Laugesen, poured this cold water on the notion:
PIG salutes Funen's flour floggers for their ingenuity, but strongly suggests that they find a better way to get through the bone-chilling Danish winters. I'd love to offer some nifty suggestions, but PIG's publisher insists that I keep my PIG News prose "family friendly". The sacrifices I make for my craft...[sigh]. FEBRUARY 2005
Toll Booth Dress Code Source: Jamaica Observer [02/28] A Jamaican pastor threatened to stop officiating at funerals if the female attendees don't dress properly. Up to 'here' with all those female naughty bits flapping in the breeze - inside the Toll Booth (PIG prose for a church) - Reverend Roy Gordon demands more demure female attire, or else.
Give' em hell, Roy. Your Toll Booth...your rules sums it up perfectly. Culture
War Goes International Amerika's culture war went international this week, when the global Anglican Communion issued a temporary 'get out of Dodge' edict to the U.S. Episcopal Church and the Anglican Church of Canada. The Yank and Canadian Anglican cabals are on the hotseat because their GLAAD BAAG coddling isn't deemed cool for Anglican Church school.
Will the Anglican church self-destruct over GLAAD BAAGism? The jury is still out, but the answer has to be a solid "probably". As usual, when we know, you'll know. Remembering
Dr. Gene Scott The Genester reaped his eternal reward last night at age 75. From now on, if the sheep in Dr. Gene Scott's flock want to "get on the phones", they'll need to talk a lot louder if they expect Dr. Gene to hear them, because he's much too busy imposing Genester-style discipline in the hereafter. After heeding Dr. Gene's call for three decades, Gene's sheep are on their own, but I predict that they'll sign on with a new shepherd in short order. It won't be that hard to find another fearless leader for the flock, but I'm here to tell you that, after Old Ka-Boom hatched Gene Scott, he broke the mold. Look up "one of a kind" in your Webster's and you'll find Dr. Gene's picture. Call me names if you must, but the boob tube's vast wasteland is a tad bleaker, without Dr. Gene and his antics. When it comes to tantrums and an ego run amok, nobody did it like Dr. Gene. It was oddly comforting to this pagan scribbler to know that as long as Dr. Gene inhabited this world there was at least one alleged human who strayed farther over the non-clinically bonkers line than yours truly. I'm gonna miss you, Dr. Gene and that's a no shit fact from a lifelong fan. More
Holy Land Hokum The newest pestilence visited upon the chosen rabble inhabiting the holy land is - according to Rabbi Shmuel Eliyahu, rabbi of the holy city of Safed (Israel) - that ubiquitous bane of every Educrat's existence, chewing gum. That's right, chewing gum is a non-negotiable no-no, according to Rabbi Eliyahu. Chewing it is bad, but not exactly forbidden, however, discarding your used gum where somebody might encounter it violates Jewish law:
Are chewing gum manufacturers like Wrigley's mere pawns in a sinister Satanic plot to lure Torah True Believers into sin? Rabbi Eliyahu seems to think so, but he's, obviously, a dude with way too much time on his hands. Thanks to imaginative gentlemen like Rabbi Eliyahu, supernaturalism continues to provide this lowly pagan scribbler with untold hours of amusement, not to mention ample fodder for his PIG News prattling. Go
Figure "The essence of ... family life remains procreation. If we embrace homosexuality as a proper basis for marriage, we are saying that it's possible to have a marriage state that in principle excludes procreation and is based simply on the premise of selfish hedonism." (Alan Keyes during the 2004 Constitutional Marriage Amendment furor.) If, as filed Oval Office and U.S. Senate candidate, Alan Keyes, so fervently believes, there is a supreme, all powerful, deity, this supernatural entity is, unquestionably...female. Moreover, She has a twisted sense of humor and has singled out Alan Keyes for 'special treatment'. This fun fact is proven by the latest news emanating from Alan Keyes own family: Alan's 19-year-old daughter, Maya Marcel-Keyes has 'come out' as a self-defined "liberal queer" - her own words, not ours. You gotta know that this revelation thrilled 'more righteous than thou' Alan, big damn time. Leaving nothing to chance, Ms. Marcel-Keyes laid these fun Keyes family facts during an interview with 'The Advocate':
That sound Alan Keyes keeps hearing is Ms. God laughing like a mental patient. And how was the rest of your day, Alan? Pious
Pyramid Punks Mexas justice system officials busted a Toll Booth's (pagan speak for a church) co-pastor, Sean Patrick Riley, for going the extra mile in his efforts to separate the faithful flock from their dead presidents. Fleecing a faithful flock, is, as everyone knows, S.O.P. at Toll Booths, but our hero crossed the line, legally, when he Emerilized his fleecing via a pyramid scheme. Pastor Sean set the stage for this financial fleecing by aiming his cluelessly-faithful followers at a goodie called "The Elite Activity" - A.K.A. "The Canaan group". Participants were encouraged to give a one-time $100 gift to The Elite Activity, then talk two more dolts into making a similar gift. In return, the schemers insisted, each donor would get back at least $800 and as much as $48,000 if everything went swimmingly. It all sounds good, on paper, until you factor in these sobering facts:
I 'get' why pyramids are a classically bad bet: they always produce more losers than winners. Furthermore, I understand that, typically, only those who get in at the beginning see any money at all. Neither fact justifies protecting greedy, pyramid punks from themselves. D.A. Rosenthal shouldn't be wasting his time and the taxpayers money protecting the unwary from themselves. We are, as usual, unamused in the extreme. Evolution Vs Intelligent DesignSource: USA Today [02/06] '...the gaps between the theories of evolution and intelligent design overwhelm any overlap. Evolution makes specific propositions that are testable, provable and disprovable through a measurable and observable process that takes place in nature. That categorizes it as science. Intelligent design, on the other hand, cannot be proved or disproved by natural evidence because its design is supernatural. That categorizes it as religion. Despite the disagreements, purists on both sides of this debate should understand that science and religion needn't be at each other's throats. They supplement one another. Science explains how the world is. Religion explains why the world is. Science explains material processes. Religion attributes meaning to those processes. Can intelligent design and evolution reside in the same school building? Yes. In the same curriculum? No. Intelligent design belongs in history or social science class. Evolution belongs in science class...' (Gerald L. Zelizer, rabbi of Neve Shalom, a Conservative congregation in New Jersey) Show
Me State Deja Vu? It's not breaking news when a Missouri developer wants to whomp up a "Christian-themed residential community" 30 miles south of Branson, near the Missouri-Arkansas state line. What makes this epic memorable is the fun fact that - stop me if this sounds eerily familiar - the centerpiece of this Cross Cult enclave will be a televangelist's new broadcast studio. And who, you ask, is this anointed broadcast padre? Everyone's favorite "I've fallen from grace and I can't get up" Tome promoter: Jim Bakker. Yes, Sparky...that Jim Bakker. Old Ka-Boom moves in mysterious ways? No shit, I'm ba-ack, Sherlock. JANUARY 2005
Supernaturalism Snippets Source: Pagan Scribbler News Wire [01/28] Tennessee
Faster than you can say "amen", TSU dumped the free class like a bad habit, putting Kerry Duke on Mecca Maniac whiner radar screens. It's not the first time, since, our hero, Kerry, also went on the record with statements about the violence that's inherent in Islamic theology. If anything fun happens, regarding this epic, I'll let you know. Israel
If Old Ka-Boom is pissed that the world isn't giving aid and comfort to his chosen people, why didn't he vent his eternal wrath on Israel's traditional enemies in Egypt, Jordan, Syria, Iran, Saudi Arabia, France, Germany, parts of Africa and assorted other less than enlightened nations? It's enquiring minds time, again, in the pagan scribbler bunker. India
Hindus living in the U.K. would be impacted the most, since they use the sacred symbol, everywhere:
Will the Hindus restore the hated symbols original, benign, reputation and meaning? It should, but don't bet your life savings on it. Like words, a symbol's power to do good or evil depends, entirely, on the mindset of the person who sees it. Banning it won't make a racist asshat good anymore than wearing it will turn an otherwise virtuous individual into a genocidal maniac. 'Rolling
Stone' Repents Rolling Stone magazine's knee-jerk liberal brain trust withered when subjected to super-heated, VRWC (Vast Right-Wingnut Conspiracy) outrage. After a noisy public relations nightmare, the magazine's bright bulbs decided to book a Tome (the Cross Cult bible) publisher's advertisement after all (PIG: 01/18). Spouting the prerequisite pablum about "miscommunication" and "misstatement of company policy" a spokeswench for Rolling Stone's parent company, Wenner Media, did her best to stem the VRWC outrage tide. As a longtime Rolling Stone subscriber, this pagan is amazed and amused by this Tome tempest. With or without the Tome ad, Rolling Stone will remain on this pagan's reading list. And here you were, worrying, needlessly. Rolling
Stone Eschews A Tome Ad The usual VRWC (Vast Right-Wingnut Conspiracy) suspects are in a lather because 'Rolling Stone' magazine turned down an ad from a major, Amerikan, Tome (the bible) publisher. In case they ask at the Inquisition, the magazine's purveyors cited drivel about "an unwritten policy against accepting ads containing religious messages" (News Max). The ad in question may, or may not, fall into this category:
Given 'Rolling Stone's' palpably lefty editorial spin, the Tome publisher, Zondervan, quite reasonably, smelled a major, untapped market for its wares among the magazine's readership. Be that as it may and contrary to popular VRWC myth, 'Rolling Stone' isn't obligated - legally or ethically - to accept this Tome ad. It's their magazine, so they're entitled to dictate the publication's content. It's up to the marketplace - not the VRWC - to exact the proverbial pound of flesh when the magazine's publishers make an erroneous decision. When 'Rolling Stone' turns down a Tome ad, they're sailing well-charted, "well duh" waters. The only way a Tome ad becomes breaking news, in this context, is when 'Rolling Stone' books it. I'm guessing that a heartfelt "amen" from the congregation is not forthcoming. Win some...lose some. Amerika's
Twenty-First Century Puritans Amerika's thought police have broadcasters so terrified that these media dweebs are second guessing themselves. Fearing another Brent Bozell-scripted deluge from the Parents Television Council's (PTC) Bozell-programmed robots, two broadcast cabals - Fox Television and, PBS - made pre-emptive cuts to their broadcast fare:
This Brit fishwrap dubbed the PTC, et al, "puritanical", an apt descriptor that makes this scribbler green with envy. Drunk with the power they wield, self righteous...self-appointed censors like Brent Bozell and Don Wildmon use their brain-dead minions to bully broadcast purveyors into compliance. When this decency crusade reaches critical mass, any broadcast fare more daring than static will be a distant memory. When, exactly, did Amerika appoint a cretin like Brent Bozell as Amerika's broadcast content Tsar? Where, precisely, is this free speech trampling edict penciled into the United States Constitution? Enquiring minds want to know. Faith-Based
Cabal Loses It's Federal Boodle Ruling that the MentorKids USA cabal, illegally, injected supernaturalism into the taxpayer funded program, a federal judge cut the umbilical that funneled tax dollars into the cabal's coffers, under W's faith-based initiative. Based on the facts presented, this Cross Cult cabal didn't stay across 'the line', they obliterated it. For those who need proof, consider what happened while the three-year program mentored prisoners' children:
If MentorKids USA wants to help prisoners' kids by "bringing them to the lord", let them tap into those deep, true believer pockets and pay their own damn way. They can do what they want, but they should do it openly, on their own dime. Afterthought BBC
Blasphemy Two senior BBC executives were forced to hire security guards to protect them from the death threats spewed by outraged, Brit holy rollers. The threats came thick and fast, after this Brit media mainstay aired a goodie called "Jerry Springer - The Opera". Things heated up even more for the beleaguered BBC executives when a Brit Cross Cult cabal - Christian Voices - poured petrol on inflamed, pious peabrain passions by serving up home phone numbers for BBC2 Controller, Roly Keating, and director of television, Jana Bennett. In a heartbeat, Cross Cult tolerance reared its ugly head via abusive, threatening phone calls. In case someone asks at the trial, the show that generated so much true believer ire - "Jerry Springer - The Opera" sounds like big fun to this lowly pagan scribbler:
It's a damn shame we can't get BBC here, because it the usual suspects would go piously, publically, postal. Amerika's self-appointed censor - L. Brent Bozell III - would bloc out an artery if this goodie hit Amerika's "public" airwaves. Pat Robertson would invoke celestial smiting and John Hagee...John's likely response is too terrifying to contemplate. T.V. is still a vast wasteland, but, it does have the occasional oasis. "Jerry Springer - The Opera" might be one of them. So be it. Shrine
Or Eyesore? On May 28, 1982, during his morning prayers, Noel Dube had a close encounter with the celestial realm's roving ambassador, the Virgin Mary. After his chat with this ubiquitous celestial celebrity, our hero thrilled his Pepperall (Massachusetts) neighbors by building (and publicizing) a Cherry Mama shrine in his backyard. When his neighbors complained, our hero Emerilized his antics by kicking the shrine up several notches:
Beyond thrilled, the neighbor got a better response from the relevant city hacks when the bureaucratic blights spewed drivel about missing building permits, before ordering Mr. Dube to tear down his shrine. The ensuing court case just gave the neighbor more grief when a judge ruled for our pious hero. Focusing on the shine's religious purpose, Judge Kenneth Fishman gave Mr. Dube's tribute to piety his judicial okey dokey, citing First Amendment protections as his justification. Make no mistake, I feel the neighbor's pain. A three-story high, illuminated, shrine than attracts 4,000 pious visitors annually would make me go postal, too. However, these are well-charted, "sometimes life turbo sucks" waters, because you're the poor, unlucky bastard living next to this egregiously supernaturalist wingnut. This shrine caper is as simple as: Noel Dube's property...none of your goddamn business. Mr. Dube's less than ecstatic neighbors need look for that elusive silver lining: Dube is 85...he won't last that much longer then, hopefully, your troubles are over. It's glass half full time, again, in the pagan scribbler's bunker. Another
Family Values Uproar Family values knickers are in a knot, thanks to a New York Times item claiming that Pam Anderson's former squeeze, rocker Kid Rock, is scheduled to appear at W's forthcoming inaugural celebration and concert. This Big Apple fishwrap's ink was barely dry when "they" went piously postal: World Net Daily serves up the following doses of family values outrage:
Running for cover, an inaugural committee spokes-dolt bleated that Kid Rock - a no shit W supporter - is "not a confirmed entertainer" at the inaugural concert. For those who smell spin, here's a pagan translation: "Okay, you caught us red-handed. We actually did invite him, but we hoped that the family values horde wouldn't notice." How thrilled must the publically pious family values horde be when they realize that they gave W and his gang that couldn't shot straight another 4 year term? Very, but they're getting the big picture...now. |
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Copyright 1993-2006 PIG - The Politically Incorrect Gazette
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