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PIG
NEWS ARCHIVES
| MORALITY POLICE | HOLY ROLLERS
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JANUARY
2004
Sinners
In Funny Collars
Source: Akron Beacon-Journal Kevin Eckmeyer, a minister in Brumfield Community Church thrilled his faithful flock spitless when he got arrested for performing marriages without a license. That's the predictable downside when your spiritual leader has a rap sheet that includes domestic violence, theft and illegal use of food stamps. Fear not, devoted readers, a simple 'I'm a sinner, Lord' cleans Kevin's slate with Old Ka-Boom and Kevin's brain-dead flock. Ironically, secular officials set a higher standard for Kevin's redemption. Go figure. Celestial
Politics Old Ka-Boom zinged high profile cross cultist Pat Robertson with an advanced peek at November's presidential sweepstakes. In this visionary 'heads-up', Pat paraphrases his anger-challenged deity as follows:
Barry Lynn (Americans United for the Separation of Church and State) replies:
This pagan opines: Pat, dude, stop smoking those funny cigarettes, increase the voltage on your shock treatments and take your damn medication. Don't make me come over there. A
Cross Cult Marriage 'Purist' Comes Clean Massachusetts Legicrat, William Murchison exposes the real agenda driving the marriage is for heterosexuals only holy roller cabal. Proving how perceptive this pagan scribbler is, Murchison comes clean when he admits that heterosexual marriage is sacred in his eyes - Old Ka-Boom made us this way - because only a heterosexual can reproduce. His comments are telling, and exactly what this pagan scribbler predicted in a previous tantrum:
For this assclown...Marriage equals parenthood. Anyone else hetero, homo or confused need not apply. Granted, human biology equips any man and woman who bonk for successful, species-sustaining reproduction, but, biology does not magically make every heterosexual couple that reproduces good parenthood material. A qualified for parenthood skill is NOT programmed in human DNA. It's learned and some people just aren't properly prepared for this rigorous task. Others, although not properly equipped for reproduction - homos - are amply qualified for parenthood. Denying children their expertise is asinine sanctimonious bullshit! Goose-stepping under the family values banner, this assclown and his Morality Nazi cohorts eagerly trample a GLAAD-BAAG sovereign individual's 14th Amendment-guaranteed 'equal protection of the laws'. Intolerable, is the tamest thing I can say about this bovine excrement. More
Proxy Baptism Angst Torah True Believers aren't the only ones with their supernaturalist panties in a wad over the Mormon Church's baptizing for the dead antics. Today, a cross cult faction - The Russian Orthodox Church - is beating their chests over this Mormon wingnut adventure.
Turns religion into magic? Well duh, padre dude. Supernaturalism - the Blood-Soaked Tome is a prime example - is riddled with smoke and mirrors, reality-challenged claims: Daniel in the Lion's Den; Water Into Wine; Backing up the Sun 15 degrees; Stopping the sun and the moon movement through the sky for 24 hours or more; The dead rising from the grave and wandering through the streets when the cross dude achieved room temperature. The examples are countless. Your supernaturalism is a figment of your fevered brain, dude, so stop whining about asinine Mormon antics. Genesis
Purists In Florida Citing Adam and Eve's pre-apple - naked, of course - sartorial splendor, a supernaturalist Genesis purist bought a 240 acre plot in Florida for an 'as naked as Old Ka-Boom made them' Christian-Themed Nudist Colony. It will be called 'Natura', will have a toll booth, and include a water park. The sexually-repressed congregation has to honor this news with a resounding 'amen'. Morality
Nazis With Badges Faced with a typical parental emergency - a sick child who needed immediate medical attention - a Hoosier mother took the only functional conveyance available at the time, a 1976 Buick belonging to her boyfriend. The car at her disposal is not your typical vintage ride. It's a specially decorated car her boyfriend tricked out so he can show it off at custom car shows and that's why our heroine's decision invited unwanted attention from badge packing Morality Nazis. Claiming he stopped our heroine due to a 'broken tail light', a goose stepping badge packer cited her for driving on a suspended license plus violating community standards because the car's paint job 'displays a theme which appeals to the prurient interest of sex' (Ananova). Confused? No problem, because it's time for our Paul Harvey Moment, via a description of the car's traffic stopping paint job: 'The painting [on the custom car's exterior] shows a naked dancer being watched by two men'...(Ananova). When did enforcing some twisted, antiquated supernaturalist morality become a proper government function? Never and that's a no shit fact. Should this woman be driving on a suspended license? Probably not. Would I do it if I had a sick child and driving this pimp mobile was the quickest way to get the kid medical attention? You better damn believe it, Morality Nazi Sparky. Morality
Nazi Nightmare Consequences - intentional, unintentional, or accidental - are always thrilling when the issue is as divisive as 'holy matrimony'. No doubt, Medved and those of his ilk we be shouting 'we told you so' from their smugly sanctimonious bunkers when they hear that some Utah shysters are using the Supreme Court's sodomy decision to challenge Amerika's polygamy banning edicts. The fun began when Utah officials denied a willing couple a marriage license because the dude already had a 'til death do us part' bride. The fact that both women agreed to this arrangement didn't faze the license issuing bureaucrats, so the frustrated trio when shyster shopping.
This shyster drama misses the point...don't they always. The government has no business dictating which consenting adults can bond for life. The real solution - in a nation that gives lip service and little more to inalienable individual liberty - is dumping this whole marriage license scam and force all willing adults to formalize their relationship through a legally-binding contract. Under this liberty-intensive life-bonding, government's only function - it's proper function - is enforcing the contract, if/when one of the consenting parties violates it. The
Toll Booth Donation Caper Five years ago, convinced that it would ease his emotional pain, a majorly depressed Minnesota dude donated $126,000 in dead presidents to a local Toll Booth - the Cloquet Gospel Tabernacle. Five months later and restored to intellectual functionality, he asked for a full refund. He's still asking - aided by a shyster, now - and still getting the same answer: no damn way, Jose. Obviously our hero never read the fine print in the Toll Booth handbook, the fine print that defines such true believer largesse as a one-way street. Toll booth padres love to preach about the alleged virtue of giving, but it's a mistake to think that they intend to practice what they preach. It's as simple as true believer 'sheep' do the giving and padre's do all the taking. In other words, the money is gone, dude and it's never coming back. FEBRUARY 2004
The Case of The
Pious Pilot
Source: Stealth News Wire During an American Airlines flight from Hell-A to New York, the pilot finished his usual pilot to passenger prattle by asking Cross Cultists to raise their hands. He compounded his holy roller felony by telling these true believers that everyone who didn't raise their hand is crazy and urged the Cross Cultists to discuss their faith with their crazy seat mates. Understandably distressed by this obvious mental meltdown in the cockpit, passengers snatched up their cell phones to call relatives. Equally distressed, the cabin crew called ground control then attempted to reassure the anxious passengers. Eventually, after an otherwise uneventful flight, passengers fled the plane as if their lives depended on it. When the news broke, including the predictable fact that the airline is looking into this odd behavior, the usual vast right-wingnuts came down solidly on the pious pilot's side. It's just a way for him to express his faith, they insist. He did no harm, others opined, warning the airline not to suspend or fire the pilot. Nobody, including those unbelievers who protested the pilot's antics, stated the obvious fact that the airline didn't hire him to save souls. The airline pays the pilot to get passengers - believers and unbelievers alike - from point 'A' to point 'B' safely, efficiently, and with enough TLC to make these passengers want to fly their particular airline again. If he annoys non Cross Cult passengers, they'll fly some other airline, and that's bad for the company's bottom line. Since he's a burden on their profit margin, our holy roller pilot deserves to be fired, if that's what the airline decides. The salient fact here isn't his supernaturalism; it's his impact on the airline's business. Gunning For The Girl Scouts A Mexas brownie troop is obliterated and an affiliated Girl Scout troop is on life support thanks to a cross cult boom box assclown who launched a vendetta against them over their affiliation with Planned Parenthood. Although his 'don't buy Girl Scout cookies bovine excrement back-fired' - the fishwrap cites 'skyrocketing' cookies sales, many to first-time buyers determined to protest this cross cult brain-fart - this smugly sanctimonious storm trooper destroyed the scouting experience for this eager Central Mexas wenchlets. Whatever these wenchlets aren't learning about tying knots, crafts, camping and other scouting activities, is more than offset by the valuable life lesson that destroyed their scouting experience. Where else could they get up close and personal with the crippling brain-fart that afflicts diehard supernaturalists? Show-Stopping Numbers Peach state movie goers who decided to endure Mel's holy roller flick at the Movies at Berry Square in Rome, Georgia, got an extra thrill thanks to a numeric coincidence. Properly pious movie goers smelled a devilish plot when the computer that affixes numbers to the theaters tickets 'assigned the number 666, the biblical mark of the beast as a prefix to the tickets for the film' (AJC). Although many deemed it 'inappropriate', among other things, only one holy roller flatly refused to accept the beastly ticket. This is much too clever for the horned demon, but it's business as usual for that celestial prankster, Ms. Old Ka-Boom. If you listen very carefully, you'll hear her laughter in the distance. MARCH
2004
Tennessee
Morality Nazi Adventure
Source: AP [3/31] Southern-fried
morality Nazis infesting Tennessee's Alcoholic Beverage
Commission took one look at the Victorian era photos
on a Nashville pub's menu and deemed them a blight
on public morality. The morality Nazis blustered
bureaucratic drivel about an existing asinine edict
that 'bans such things as displays of sexual intercourse
and nude wait staff, as well as "scenes wherein artificial
devices or inanimate objects are employed to depict,
or drawings employed to portray, any of the prohibited
activities".' (AP)
The pub's, uh, sins include exposed babely nipples
on the pub's menu, plus one venerable, mid-1800's
era photo showing 'a woman's genital region'. '...[Danielle Elks, executive director of the Alcoholic
Beverage Commission] said a misunderstanding led The
Sutler to black out its menus before the commission
made its decision. "It was never the intent of the
agency to cite (the pub), and the agency did not threaten
them."...' (AP)
You gotta
love it when busybodies like Ms. Elks get slapped
down by infuriated rational adults. Color this pagan
very amused. Georgia
Morality Nazi Adventure According
to a peach state boob tube outlet, a local morality
cabal called 'Crusaders for Christ' just demanded
that the Bartow County educrap cabal banish the following
books...for some damn reason: Tennessee
True Believers The
Rhea County (Tennessee) rustics who perpetrated the
infamous Scopes Monkey Trial haven't learned much
since this 1925 debacle. Yesterday, Rhea County
commissioners - unanimously - passed a resolution
demanding that state legicrats make homosexuality
illegal, because it's "a crime against nature".
The same rustic brain-fart implored the county attorney
to, legally, ban homosexuals from living in this fetid
Tennessee pesthole. Two
days of unrelenting - richly deserved - international
vilification forced Rhea County's homo-hating commissioners
to run out the white flag on their supernaturalist
brain-fart. These besieged county hacks held
an emergency meeting that lasted just long enough
for them to - unanimously - reverse their previous
action, after which they quickly adjourned.
Worried about rampaging homos, no doubt, these fearless
hacks had deputies escort them into and out
of their meeting. The
Atheists Are Coming...
Source: Front Page Magazine [3/16] Front Page scribbler Lowell Ponte is alarmed over an alleged atheist plot to render cross cult infested Amerika - gasp - secular. His paranoia stems - in large part - from his delusional, true believer perception that rational adults are, increasingly, willing to declare their non-believer credentials, publically. '...in
2004 our society has become so secular – with
by one estimate 30 percent of our population no
longer attending religious services nor professing
any deep commitment to a religious faith –
that the godless have entered this battlefield without
their usual disguises...' (Front Page)
GAMPAC's [Godless Americans Political Action Committee] Nation Press Club debut - also carried by CSPAN - completely unhinged true believer Ponte. Unwilling - unable - to accept the fact that this atheist horde rejects all supernaturalism, he redefines reality by deeming them part of a new, rival creed, humanist leftism. In Ponte's fevered brain, those dastardly donkey clan hacks are leading this descent into secular...hell. '...Democrats
are pushing politics into every nook and cranny
of our lives, from what we may speak aloud to how
big our fast-food hamburger is allowed to be...'
(Front Page)
At best, Ponte is telling half the liberty infringing story. For proof, we need look no farther than the on-going decency juggernaut, a censorship bonkers quest that is driven by Ponte's supernaturalist homeboys in the elephant clan horde. Ponte never mentions the way this true believer mob dictates sexual behavior between consenting adults, subordinates science to supernaturalist drivel and imposes their fetid notions on adults who want to enter a formal, life-bonding arrangement. This bitter reality probably slipped his alleged mind. In Ponte's diseased mind, Amerika isn't goose-stepping toward a cross cult dominated theocracy. He imagines an Amerika in free-fall into a secular hell he deems an "Atheistocracy". His stop the presses proof? You're gonna love it: '...Atheistic,
agnostic and humanist organizations this year launched
a five-year media project to celebrate the 200th
birthday of Charles Darwin in 2009 with the creation
of February 12th as "Darwin Day"...' (Front Page)
As a major league Darwin fan and a dude who is proud to declare himself supernaturalism- free, I feel abundantly qualified to slap down Ponte's alarmist drivel. Point 1: Darwin Day is an asinine idea. Point 2: All Marxists might be Atheists, but all Atheists are not Marxists, Leftists, or Humanists. Some atheists are proud
to be sovereign, liberty-promoting individuals.
Point 3: Amerika is much closer to becoming a cross cult theocracy than it is to becoming Ponte's Atheistocracy.
I don't know what Ponte is smoking these days, but it's powerful stuff. Doesn't the Tome say something about sharing...something about giving is better than receiving? Share the joy, John...It's the Christian thing to do. APRIL 2004
The
Tennessee Garden Wench Tizzy
Source: The Tennessean [4/9] A Tennessee garden
center decided to cover up the naked, stone, garden
wench statues, after some ‘offended’
locals complained about the stone wenches’
naked charms. '...Nearly
a dozen concrete statues are sporting crimson
velvet two-piece sarongs — as if Santa had
a bikini team...' (Tennessean)
Ironically, covering this stone pulchritude attracted attention to the statues, prompting countless looky-loos to peek beneath the...covers. Other stone wench fans plunked down the folding green needed to buy a stone wench, making this naked garden art a hot item. So far, at least 6 of the 500lb wenches found new homes. Bold New Concept. Afterthought Determined to energize
his morality Nazi base, W - via his holy roller
Attorney General, John Asshat - just opened a
second front in his war to impose cross cult morality
on sovereign individuals, through government coercion.
At W’s behest no doubt, Asshat hired a battle-hardened
morality crusader to spearhead his Justice Department’s
Obscenity Gestapo. The new Obscenity Fuhrer’s
name is Bruce Taylor and he’s a major piece
of sanctimonious work. ‘..."Just
about everything on the Internet and almost
everything in the video stores and everything
in the adult bookstores is still prosecutable
illegal obscenity," he said. "Some of
the cable versions of porno movies are prosecutable.
Once it becomes obvious that this really is
a federal felony instead of just a form of entertainment
or investment, then legitimate companies, to
stay legitimate, are going to have to distance
themselves from it."...’ (Sun) Formerly the number
one goose-stepper at a porn bonkers cabal called
the National Law Center for Children and Families,
Taylor can’t wait to repeal our First Amendment’s
free speech protections. Now, thanks to
W and John Asshat, Fuhrer Taylor has our inalienable
liberty in his crosshairs. Do you want this
moralistic clown dictating what movies you can
watch, what books you can read, what movies you
can access via your boob tube’s cable connection?
Do you want Fuhrer Taylor mandating content on
every Internet site you access? Consider
your answers very carefully, because that’s
exactly what he plans to do. We’ve
seen his type before, gloating in the orange glow
of a Nazi book-burning atrocity. ‘...Ashcroft, a religious man who does not drink alcohol or caffeine, smoke, gamble or dance, and has fought unrelenting criticism that he has trod roughshod on civil liberties in the wake of the Sept. 11 attacks, is taking on the porn industry at a time when many experts say Americans are wary about government intrusion into their lives...’ (Sun) MAY 2004
In Their Own Words
Source: World Net Daily [5/25] In the realm inhabited by vast right-wingnut conspiracy boom box hosts, individual liberty isn't as important as imposing moral 'order' via government coercion. The following quotes demonstrates their willingness to sacrifice inalienable liberty "for the greater good":
Bob Brinker, ABC boom box host:
Mike Gallagher
Which part of CONGRESS SHALL MAKE NO LAW confuses these liberty-hating asshats? Pack Their Tomes and Leaving Home? Secession might rear its union-shattering head again, when the holy rollers in a group named Christian Exodus take over South Carolina. This pick up their Tomes and leave town scheme is Christian Exodus leader Cory Burnell's brainchild, and he's deadly serious. His provisional timeline has the new holy roller realm's constitutional convention in 2014 and the new nation's first presidential election in 2016. That's assuming that 12,000 true believer sheep move there to put old ka-boom back in the driver's seat. Believe it or not, I like this idea. We've all seen how the sanctimonious horde acts in Tome-bonkers blights like Kansas, Talibanma and Virginia. Imagine - if you dare- how irrational things could get in a nation whose government, laws and founding principles are rigidly, biblically-Korrect? It's the fast track to a Taliban-class cross cult theocracy and that's the reason I support it. I know what you're thinking and you're wrong, as usual. With a stunning example of cross cultism in its rawest form in our own backyard, those mental midgets who still don't get it, will get up close and personal with cross cult supernaturalism's dark underbelly. The unwary observer will see cross cult 'tolerance' in all its bleak glory. Finally, everyone will understand why inalienable individual liberty and cross cultism are mortal enemies. They might even notice that cross cultism and inalienable liberty are utterly incompatible. They might, but don't bet the farm on it. Goose-Stepping In Dixie Virginia's pious morality Gestapo continues to tighten its death grip on state politics. The state's legicrats just enacted another commandment - the Affirmation of Marriage Act - and this one is seriously Draconian. This legicrap demotes the state's GLAAD BAAG denizens to second class status, but the smug asshats vehemently deny it. The new edict's impact is still hotly debated, but no matter which side you believe, the news, for GLAAD BAAGs isn't good. The new law's actual wording might give us a clue:
The key phrase appears to be "bestowing privileges or obligations of marriage". So-called legal experts warn that this edict could outlaw 'legal contracts such as powers of attorney, wills, medical directives, child custody and property arrangements, and joint bank accounts' (Bee). That new law's morality Gestapo supporters deny everything, of course. Did anyone expect them to admit it? I'd invoke the U.S. Constitution and the 14th Amendment, but true believers no longer pretend to support individual liberty, so why bother. Virginia, a state that produced the ultimate sovereign individual, Thomas Jefferson, is now populated by goose-stepping, sanctimonious tyrants. We are terminally unamused. Virtual Toll Booth Believe it or not, old ka-boomism has gone high tech with what's being billed as "the world's first Internet church". You know that lethargy is endemic when true believers abandon traditional toll booths so they can celebrate their supernaturalism at a 'virtual', on-line toll booth. For those readers who need all the fun facts, here's your Paul Harvey Moment:
Substantiating the law of unintended consequences, this virtual toll booth didn't elude the usual, too fun for words suspects. In fact, it is attracting so many on-line pranksters, it already changed certain ground rules to cope with these pesky visitors.
Although the Methodist cross cult cabal created this virtual toll booth, it's theology is sufficiently 'inclusive' to earn the label "multi-denominational". In case you wondered, this pagan deems Church of Fools no harm, no foul, but that's only one pagan's opinion. I can't guarantee that the Crouches (TBN), Pat Robertson, Jerry Falwell, John Hagee and the Genester will, uh, turn the other ecumenical cheek on this competitor for those coveted toll booth dollars. Let's get ready to rumble? You better believe it, toll collector Sparky. Cross Cult Cruise Crisis Southern Baptist panties are in a wad, because the group tasked with administering medical and retirement plans for this cross cult's padres made some utterly sinful investments. According to the cross cult's investment guidelines, they can't - won't - invest in companies identified "as being in the liquor, tobacco, gambling, pornography or abortion industries" (Chronicle). I know what you're thinking and you're wrong. The sinful investment isn't 'Jack Daniels', 'Playboy', or 'Texas Lulu's House of Horizontal Entertainment'. The sinful enterprise into which this Southern Baptist cabal dumped $14 million (dead presidents) is Carnival Cruise Lines. That's right, Carnival Cruise Lines. Family friendly Carnival's cardinal sin is a thrilling - to homophobic true believers - GLAAD BAAG adventure that Carnival calls a "Gay Days" Cruise. Needless to say, this is one revelation that didn't get a rousing "amen" from the congregation. So be it. Supernaturalism News Roundup Item 1: An ultra-orthodox Torah True Believer dude has Torah True Believer wenches in a tizzy with his latest, beyond the fringe pronouncement. The 'Jewish sage' dissed natural hair wigs from India as tainted by Hindu supernaturalism, making them a way no-no for Torah True Believer women. That easily, he trashed Israel's thriving wig business. For those who care, here is the wacky wig wisdom:
Item 2: A South African home owner called the local authorities to report rocks falling from the sky and hitting his house. The local badge packers staked out the home the next night, saw the rocks and concluded that demonic spirits, not some local hooligans were behind the nightly pelting. And you thought you had problems. Thrilling Cross Cult News It's Southern Baptist national convention time, and, as usual, they're poised to Emerilize their supernaturalism very big damn time. A 'prominent' member of this cross cult laid a resolution on the convention's Resolutions Committee that paints a supernaturalist bull's-eye on government cess schools. It's safe to assume that the resolution's author - T.C. Pinckney isn't government educrap's biggest fan, but don't take my word for it, get it from the source:
Our hero goes on to cite Amerikan educrap's sorry performance - 20 to 30 years of declines when compared to other industrialized countries - and his criticism is right on the money. No doubt, he'd be suicidal if he heard that this pagan scribbler agrees that our government cess-schools suck. He might go postal if he learned that I support his plan to drop public educrap like a bad habit. If his cross cult homeboys pull out, en masse, it gets my vote, but we better not tell T.C. that this atheist scribbler supports his notion. Once again, the Southern Baptist National Convention lived up to my expectations and it's still in the pre-convention planning stage. Are there more thrillingly irrational antics waiting in the wings? I certainly hope so. As usual, when I know, you'll know. Italy's New Growth Industry Given its well-earned reputation for amply endowed women, Italy's newest growth industry should involve 'D' Cup boulder holders, but it doesn't. In a recent article, this Hell-A fishwrap reports that, in Italy 'the number of exorcists has increased more than tenfold in the last decade' (Times). Tenfold! I'm guessing there's more than grape juice in the sacramental wine. If you're sharing your body with a demon, exorcism's platinum class demon eviction is performed by the Dirt Kisser's top exorcist, Father Gabriele Amorth. This vigorous demon evictor has seen all of the devil's tricks.
If you're in the D-Cup heartland and need a demon evicted, give this dude a call. If he's fully booked, he'll refer you to his demon eviction group - The International Association of Exorcists. If you need immediate assistance and can't make it to Italy, there's always the Wal Mart class solution: increase the voltage on your shock treatments. Afterthought This Hell-A fishwrap reports that Amorth's group 'meets in secrecy every two years'. Why bother? If, as you claim, you go toe to toe with the devil regularly, the horned one damn sure knows who you are. A Salsa Flavored Apparition The Virgin of Guadalupe is the Sombrero Stomper answer to the more familiar Cherry Mama. Like the Cherry Mama, V.O.G. stages personal appearances to thrill the faithful spitless. Her latest gig involves a hospital wall in Ensenada, Mexico.
If you crave some supernaturalist fun with a salsa flavor, run -don't walk - to Ensenada and follow the communion wafer crumbs to this V.O.G. hangout. Can I get a rousing 'ole' from the congregation? JUNE 2004
Morality Nazi Setback
Source: AP [06/29] Citing that pesky Constitution - yes, again - the U.S. Supreme Court voted 5-4 that the federal Child Only Protection Act is...probably...an unconstitutional infringement on free speech. I'm guessing that this court majority knows that the law is First Amendment uncool, but doesn't have the nads to say it out loud during an election year. Instead, this ruling leaves the door cracked open, a tiny bit, for the lower court to rescue this free speech assault via a trial. Free Speech remains in the cross-hairs, but, for now, the First Amendment resides in a shrinking morality Nazi free zone. Morality Nazi News Source: Pagan Scribbler News Wire [06/18] Item 1 City hacks in Ashland, Oregon banished eye pollution with an edict that outlaws "genital exposure downtown and in public parks" (CBS). Bold new concept. The meaning is clear...If you feel compelled to "air out your nads" while visiting Ashland, it'll set you back a cool $250 in dead presidents. Item 2 When it comes to roadside - within a mile of a state highway - billboards advertising strip clubs and/or adult businesses, Missouri state hacks don't want to see them. Am the only one struck by the ironic factoid that the state's motto is 'show me'? This sanctimonious legicrat sludge is - as usual - to protect the state's children, including - it's safe to assume - those chronically-offend, voting age, family values infants who lurk in Toll Booths each Sunday. Government coerced morality is alive and well in Missouri, but inalienable liberty is on life support. A Faith-Based Presidency Source: Fox News [6/10] It's ironic that the same Oval Office dweeb who just finished trying to coronate himself as Ronald Reagan's rightful successor continues to refuse Nancy Reagan's plea for a change in his Stem Cell research policy. Placing his personal supernaturalism above all other considerations, W steadfastly refused to lift his August 2001 executive order that limited federally funded stem cell research to a meager 78 existing stem cell lines. Unwilling to spoil the newly minted 'Reagan the sequel' aura, W let his lifemate, Laura Bush, do the dirty work, this time out:
The 'days old embryos' from which the stem cells are extracted are light years from being sentient, let alone a viable human, but don't tell that to a knee-jerk, Tome-bonkers cretins like George and Laura Bush. True believer zealots never let reality intrude on their chosen supernaturalism. Afterthought JULY 2004
Talibanma News Briefs Source: Pagan Scribbler News Wire [07/29] When a Talibanma congressmen, Robert Aderholt, found out that the Talibanma Department of Public Health is handing out 'morning after pills' to anyone who asks for them, he went whimpering to his Elephant Clan home boy, U.S. Health and Human Services Secretary Tommy Thompson, for a clarification on the relevant federal regulations. Armed with the answer he wanted - the Talibanma public health cabal isn't required by federal law to hand out the urp-avoiding pills - a morally outraged Aderholt passed the 'good news' along to the relevant Talibanma public health officials. The man in the eye of this Morality Nazi storm - Dr. Tom Miller, director of family planning for the Talibanma health department - told the congressman to pound sand:
Asshat Aderholt isn't the only Talibanma dweeb who doesn't like this particular policy. Eleven nurses quit and 50 public health clinic employees asked for transfers and the Talibanma Christian Coalition President is on the warpath. Faced with all the heat, all the turmoil, Dr. Miller stands firm. Can there still be at least one rational adult in Talibanma? Go figure. Afterthought
Assuming some Talibanma wench decides to sign up for the 'no horizontal bingo' brigade, she can't even...scratch her itch with a sex toy. Does anyone still wonder why I want to toss this pest hole the hell out of the union? Mexas Morality Nazi AnticsSource: Odessa American [07/28] Having nothing better to do with the money they looted from the taxpayers, Odessa (Mexas) justice system officials spent a year investigating a blight on public morality called 'The Healing Touch' massage parlor. After all that time and effort, they finally bagged 74 people, most of them horizontal bingo clients. The horizontal bingo must be stellar at the Healing Touch, because the client list reads like an Odessa, Mexas Who's Who: A former deputy district attorney; at least one prominent attorney; several prominent Odessa businessmen; Odessa's City Planner; a former school board member; the assistant managing editor of the Odessa American. If a massage parlor...a very popular one...is as bad as it gets in Odessa, the local authorities should resign and get real damn jobs. Rousting hookers is typical election cycle crap-o-la that creates victims from a victimless crime. We are, unamused in the extreme. Self-Appointed CensorSource: Deseret News [07/21] Somewhere in Layton, Utah a Morality Nazi is lurking, awaiting another chance to deface more of the Davis County Library's books. His, her or its mission in life is to cross out 'evil' words - profanity, etc - and replace them with tamer, more acceptable substitutes.
Morality Nazis will leave no stone unturned to dictate what you are allowed to read, hear, see or say. This Utah clown is just the tip of a vast smugly sanctimonious iceberg. Mecca Mania ToleranceSource: Seattle Post-Intelligencer [07/19] A story about a 22-year-old Mecca Maniac trying to kidnap his 18-year old sister because she married a Christian isn't breaking news, unless you add the thrilling fact that this attempted kidnaping occurred in Washington State. Like too many individuals in this nation, this dude places his twisted notions about 'god's law' above the laws enacted by duly elected legislators. It's bad enough that they do this crap in their own Mecca Maniac pest holes, but it's intolerable in this nation built upon the solid bedrock of inalienable individual liberty. Although he's in the slammer for second-degree kidnaping, among other things, spineless judges allow him to leave the slammer to attend college classes. Anyone care to bet that, sooner or later he's perpetrates an 'honor killing' on his sister, when he completes his gray bar sojourn? I didn't think so. W's
Faith-Based
Brain Fart W's
FDA banned the morning
after pill.
A
National Cancer
Institute fact sheet
was skewed to allege
- erroneously -
that abortion increases
breast cancer risk.
Life-saving Stem Cell research is drastically curtailed on supernaturalist grounds. Nation Institute for Health, Centers for Disease Control remove condom benefits, safe sex info from domestic HIV Internet sites. Science - under true believer W - is repeatedly subordinated to his supernaturalism. He's gotta go. Christian
Socialism Laid
Exposed
If you think Millard's soak the rich philosophy sounds familiar, you're right. Perhaps you recognize it when I put his class warfare notion in its original form: "From each according to his ability. To each according to his need." Karl Marx, meet your brother in wealth redistribution, Millard Fuller. Holy
Rollers In The
Bull's-Eye
I'm rarely thrilled spitless by the gnome, or his drivel, but even a broken clock is right twice a day and, for a change, Reich is right on the money, this time. This pagan scribbler has no problem with the passage cited by WND, and that is more than a tad unsettling. I'm never that thrilled when I find myself agreeing with a way-lefty statist like Reich. Unless I'm misreading him, the Reich quote listed above seems like a ringing endorsement of sovereign individualism. Bold New Concept. Morality
Nazi Hacks Play
The Blame Game '...According to ALEC, the paper details how "a pornography-addicted, sadomasochistic, bi/homosexual pedophile propagandist was able to launch the sexual revolution, reduce sex crime penalties and sabotage American sex law."...' (WND) AUGUST 2004
Rational Adult Nails a Morality Nazi Source: Capitalism Magazine [08/29] Capitalism Magazine scribe, Dr. Michael Hurd, laid a serious smackdown on Family Research Council president Tony Perkins, after the FRC punk spouted off once too often. It all started when Vice President Cheney dissed the proposed constitutional amendment on gay marriage. Perkins blithered: Dr. Hurd's Stellar Smack: By the way: a moral government does not "protect families." A moral government protects individuals, specifically from force and fraud only. Protecting families can only mean one thing: sacrificing one individual for the sake of another's definition of "family." No thank you...' (Cap Mag) Lone Star Polygamists Eldorado (Mexas) denizens weren't thrilled spitless when renegade Mormon sect - The Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints - set up housekeeping on a secluded property at the edge of this West Mexas town. Under pressure from Arizona and Utah officials, the 200 polygamists left their Hilldale, Utah and Colorado City, Arizona strongholds for the those greener West Mexas pastures. Led by their 'prophet', Warren Jeffs, Eldorado's new neighbors are, essentially, a cult that took Cross Cultism to extremes:
These supernaturalists are free to believe whatever they want, but, there's a dark underbelly to this particular cult that involves coercing teenage girls into marrying horny old farts who happen to be 'church elders'. There are persistent accusations of sect-sanctioned child abuse and other atrocities that evoke disturbing images of another Mexas cult, David Koresh's Branch Davidians. Another Branch Davidian-class disaster is brewing in West Mexas and nobody seems to give a damn. Dissing The TomeSource: World Net Daily [08/19] Canada thrilled Cross Cultists spitless when Citizenship and Immigration Canada 'banned the Canadian Bible Society from giving out Bibles at citizenship ceremonies' (WND). A Canadian immigration spokesdolt spewed drivel about 'endorsing certain religions' (WND), a reasonable sounding explanation that didn't impress the Cross Cult horde. When pressed for a more definitive reason, the spokesdolt cited 'complaints from new citizens' (WND), but didn't given any specifics. Is Canada traveling in the highway to hell express lane? The true believers at WND think so, but I'm not convinced. This pagan is hard pressed to take anything our northern neighbor does seriously. It's Canada! Case closed. Decency Dimwits Lose, For A ChangeSource: Hollywood Reporter [08/10] By a 5-0 vote, the Thought Police on the FCC's central committee ruled that two television shows didn't cross the invisible 'decency' line, handing the Morality Nazis a double defeat. Item 1: Buffy Gets Her Muffin Buttered The FCC's key finding in this matter is as follows:
Item 2: The Will & Grace Girl-Girl Liplock For a second time, the Thought Gestapo central committee exhibited an unexpected hint of rationality: '...While the commission did not say that a "dry hump" is always within the bounds of the commission's rules on broadcast propriety, the panel did note that "both characters are fully clothed, and there is no evidence that the activity depicted was dwelled upon, or was used to pander, titillate or shock the audience."...' (Hollywood Reporter) Don't bet the farm that these rulings signal any meaningful change at Thought Police headquarters. With the election cycle entering its critical phase, they're trying to fake impartiality, to deceive the unwary 'undecided' voter. If W gets his second term, hang on to your copy of the Constitution, because it's the only place where you'll find any meaningful signs of unfettered free speech in Amerika. SEPTEMBER 2004
The Priestly Punchout Source: AP [09/28] Two rival, holy roller padre cabals when fist city, staging a terminally unholy melee in Jerusalem's Church of the Holy Sepulcher, this week. The brawl between Greek Orthodox and Franciscan priests got so out of hand that it took several squads of 'club wielding Israeli riot police' (AP) to restore order. This isn't the first - nor will it be the last - time that the various denominations that share custody of this Holy Land Toll Booth staged a brawl over some terminally petty - perceived - slight. For the record, here's what caused this pious punchout:
Brawling in a Toll Booth? Club wielding riot police? What happened to this "turn the other cheek" crap the Cross Dude spewed? It's damn sure Enquiring Minds time, again, in the pagan bunker. Cross Duke Bonkers In Mexas Rosary True Believer Cross Cultists went supernaturalistically bonkers, when a fiberglass statue of the Cross Dude 'washed up on a sandbar in the Rio Grande' (Reuters). Taking it as a sign that heaven endorsed border jumping, the illegal immigrant horde turned this non-event into a Cross Dude praise-a-thon, by dubbing this plastic Jesus "The Christ of the Undocumented". I'm guessing these dolts are inhaling something much more powerful than holy incense, but I digress...again. Rosary True Believers are so righteously irrational about his plastic Cross Dude that they're making "pilgrimages" to the Eagle Pass (Mexas) police department's lost and found to view their border jumping savior. An unnamed, rational adult in the police department opines that the plastic illegal should be handed off to a local church, but the supernaturalist dweebs want to build a "special chapel" for this plastic savior. This special 'chapel' gig is a worthwhile notion, but why limit it to this one piece? Given the Rosary True Believer's veneration of stucco stains, odd shadows, tree bark configurations and window flaws that evoke the Cherry Mama, I think somebody should gather all this holy hokum in one place, so we can keep the this supernaturalist stupidity confined to one locale. I'm willing to nominate the entire state of Kansas for Amerika's Museum of Stampeding Supernaturalist Stupidity. Why not? It's centrally locate. Besides, no rational adult is going to miss this supernaturalist-infested pesthole anyway. I know...I know...There I go again. Holy Roller News BriefsSource: Pagan Scribbler News Wire [09/22] Hell's Bells?
I know what you're thinking and I way want one too, but the FCC goon squad isn't as forgiving as their Mexican counterparts. Will Uncle Sam's black-shirted public airwaves horde goose-step over your inalienable liberty in a heartbeat, if you use this cellidiot-nuking goodie here in the land of the 'free'? You better damn believe it, cellidiot hating Sparky. Another Golden Jimmy Swaggart Moment
If you don't know that the bovine excrement hit the proverbial fan with a resounding 'splat', you're in a coma. Complaints came in from all directions, applying enough heat to prompt this tower of tolerance to apologize, more or less. Is the following 'apology' a heartfelt, "Sorry about that, bun rangers"? I'll let you decide.
This whole episode compels some rational adult to ask the burning question: Why would a GLAAD BAAG watch Jimmy's adventure in irrationality in the first place? Kansas 'Justice'Source: Washington Times [09/02] If an 18-year-old hormone gorilla gets horizontal with an eager 14-year-old dolly and gets caught, he's looking at 1 year and 3 months in a Kansas gray bar hotel. On the other hand, 18-year-old Matthew Limon got horizontal with an eager 14-year-old dude and he's looking at 17 years in the slammer for his hormonal indulgence. BNC. As expected, Limon appealed this unequal justice all the way to Kansas' Supreme Court. That's where Deputy Attorney General Jarad Maag laid bare his Morality Nazi agenda:
Which part of "equal protection under the law" doesn't this asshat understand? Put down the Tome...set aside your hymnal for a while, then read the Declaration of Independence and the U.S. Constitution, shit for brains. Don't make me come over there. Afterthought OCTOBER 2004
Britain's Satanist Sailor Source: Reuters [10/24] Brit supernaturalists are in a tizzy because the Brit armed forces just signed on 'their first Satanist' (Reuters). I seriously doubt that he's the first. More likely, he's the first to be so 'in your face' about it. Making matters thrilling to the max, Brit bureaucrats in the Ministry of Defence agreed to let their Satanist 'practice his beliefs while at sea', plus he'll 'be allowed to have a funeral carried out by the Church of Satan' (Reuters), if the Satanist dude achieves room temperature in the line of duty. Big, big, fun, but it gets better. This supernaturalist tempest in a Satanist teapot stems from the Brit's equal opportunity laws...edicts that don't allow them to discriminate against any supernaturalist flavor. Believe it or not the Church of Satan - founded in the 1960s - is a recognized supernaturalist flavor in the U.K. If you're looking for some dumb bastard to lay this on John Hagee, Pat Robertson and Gene Scott, count me out. I so don't need that much drama I my life. Afterthoughts A contrarian belief system, Satanism is, by its very nature, an extreme form of Biblical theology, since belief in the Tome is implicit in Satanism. In fact, without the Tome, without Old Ka-Boomists, Satanism couldn't exist. Conversely, Satan/Satanism is essential to Old Ka-Boomists. Satan is so vital to Old Ka-Boomists that their theology has, over centuries, elevated him from a mere bit player (Genesis' Garden of Eden), to, virtually, equal status with the God Squad deity (contemporary God Squad rhetoric). Closing The Barndoor, Afterwards?Source: South Florida Sun-Sentinel [10/20] Certain Fort Lauderdale denizens were so thrilled when Hustler publisher Larry Flynt opened his 'Hustler Hollywood' store in their city that they ran a proposed edict up the legicrap flagpole to stem the anticipated adult business invasion tide. The edict working its way through the city's political system target's what bureaucrats call SOREs [Sexually Oriented Retail Establishments]. If passed, it would stop future store openings, but won't make Flynt pack up his adult toys and leave town. As Nanny State edicts go, this one resets the bar for Nanny State blithering:
To achieve this lofty goal the edict would prevent any business labeled as a SORE 'from opening near any location where the public gathers' (Sun-Sentinel). Unless I'm missing something, the only places that aren't covered by this edict are Jupiter, Saturn, and Pluto, along with certain hellish stretches in the Mojave Desert - none of which are administered by Fort Lauderdale hacks. Fort Lauderdale just repealed property rights within the city limits. Film at eleven. "Desperate Housewives" In The Bull's-Eye By any meaningful measure, ABC's new boob tube series, "Desperate Housewives", is pretty tame stuff. Yes, it's got adult 'sexual' themes, but it's a far cry from HBO's "Sex and The City" or Showtime's "Red Shoes Diary". Believe it or not, this objective, dispassionate, assessment won't fly with "Desperate Housewives" primary critics: the smugly sanctimonious Morality Nazis at the American Family Association (AFA) who want this show off the air, stat. They're so over the top pissed that they're flooding the show's sponsors with a well-orchestrated 'stop advertising on this Network Porn or we'll boycott your sorry ass' campaign that is already yielding results. Gloating AFA Morality Nazi asshats brag that they've already hounded Tyson Foods, Lowe's and Kellogg's into pulling their ad campaigns from the ABC show. Two other firms that the AFA targeted, ConAgra Foods and Pinnacle Foods are on the ropes - according to the Morality Nazis - but the companies refuse to confirm or deny it. There's just one pesky problem with the victory celebration...it's a tad premature, plus it, conveniently, overlooks certain salient facts. In addition to solid boob tube viewer ratings, there's this telling factiod:
The holy roller horde at the American Family Association might want to wait a while longer, before they light up those victory stogies. Their campaign might backfire and bring more attention to the show. They don't need to take my word for it; they should ask the 'I'm boycotting anyone who advertises on 'that' show' wench - Michigan 'housewife' Terry Ricolta - who, single-handedly catapulted "Married With Children" from virtual obscurity to the hottest show on television. The threatened boycott and the resulting publicity fueled a highly successful 10-year run for this Al Bundy extravaganza. Is boob tube 'boycott' history about to repeat itself? Stay tuned for all the thrilling details. Oregon Morality Nazi Tizzy Smugly sanctimonious denizens in a microscopic Oregon blight called 'The Dalles' (population is under 12,000) got their pious panties in a bunch when a dastardly capitalist dared to sully their fine city with - gasp! - an adult video store called "The Adult Shop". That fast, the holy rollers organized into a 'get your horndog ass out of our town' pressure group called 'Concerned Citizens Against Pornography'. They're at least 300 strong and they spend every waking minute lurking outside the infamous business, trying to shame the store's customers staying out of the store. Would it be terrible indelicate for me to ask why they don't petition Old Ka-Boom to lay down some celestial smiting on this evil, porn-peddling capitalist? Probably, but, being a pagan means you're dude enough to ask the tough questions. Making this faith-based foolishness particularly annoying for these porn protesters is the fun fact that, under Oregon law, an adult-oriented business is treated like any other business. Further complicating the holy roller's anti-porn crusade, a ballot initiative that allowed special zone restrictions on adult businesses got shot down by Oregon voters in 2000. These holy roller porn protesters can throw all the public tantrums they want, but, under prevailing state law, the business owner can set up shop anyplace he wants. Reality is such an uncooperative bitch that way. Kudos to Oregon voters for allowing the marketplace to determine the fate of the state's adult businesses. It's reassuring to know that at least one state has a critical mass of rational adults. Israeli Tolerance Needs WorkSource: Pagan Scribbler News Wire [10/14] Palestinians aren't the only ones who get dissed by Israel's ultra orthodox Torah True Believers. According to The London Telegraph, Israel-dwelling Cross Cultists are singled out for a singular, Orthodox Jew...salutation: Certain hard core Torah True Believers, routinely, spit on Cross Cultists who lurk in Jerusalem's Old City.
Let someone, anyone, try this crap on a Torah True Believer - anywhere in the world - and these spit-spewing Israeli asshats would go publically postal with their "anti-Semitism" accusations. But, when it comes to hocking up a luggie and aiming it at a Cross Cultist or the cross itself, that's a polite greeting in Israel. Ah, yes, there's nothing quite as thrilling as Israel's peculiar notion of religious tolerance. Supernaturalism In The Workplace When, in 2002, a college wench named Amanda Phiede went to a Menomonie (Wisconsin) K-Mart pharmacy to get her birth control prescription filled, she had a head-on collision with militant supernaturalism. Unfortunately for Ms. Phiede, the only pharamcist on duty, Neil Noesen, invoked his fetid supernaturalism and refused to fill, or transfer, her birth control prescription. I'm guessing his refusal isn't strictly according to the K-Mart employee handbook, but I digress. Annoyed, to the max, our heroine returned the next day, with a police escort and applied some well-deserved heat on the store. Proving that 'it' still flows downhill, even at K-Mart, the store manager called the head pharmacist back from his out of town vacation and got our heroine pilled-up, the next day. In a rational world, this pill-pushing, supernaturalist asshat would be fired, on the damn spot, but, Wisconsin's Byzantine licensing bureaucracy moves at a much slower pace. That's why this 2 year old case didn't get a hearing until October 2004. Although the state's Department of Regulation and Licensing could pull this supernaturalist asshat's ticket, I'm guessing that it will wrist slap Neil and set him free to inflict his fetid notions on other, unsuspecting, customers. That's what happens when bureaucrats, not the unforgiving marketplace, mete out 'retribution'. If you live in Wisconsin, and some 30-ish, dazed-looking dude is lurking behind the pharmacy's counter, ask for his name, before you hand over that prescription. If he says "Neil Noesen", run...don't walk...for the nearest exit, because this asshat is several tacos short of a combination plate. Progressive Mecca Mania?Source: Contra Costa Times [10/07] The venerable law of unintended consequences reared its perverse head again, in an unexpected way, when some Mecca Maniac Ivory Tower attendees declared their intention to form "the Progressive Muslim Union of North America". Progressive Mecca Maniacs? Go figure. Obviously, sending susceptible Mecca Maniacs to Amerika's lefty-to-the-max schools is having an unintended effect on them.
If I ever stop smirking, I'll attempt to condemn the way Ivory Tower lefties perverted these 'tragically confused' young supernaturalists. Don't rush me...this could take a while... Actually, in this instance, the Ivory Tower lefties managed to yank these kinder, gentler Mecca Maniacs out of the seventh century and opened their eyes...not to mention their minds...in the process. CAIR won't like it, but they'll get over it, eventually. I'm guessing the CAIR take will blame oppressors, as usual. Given a little encouragement, these Progressive Muslims might inject the merest hint of individual liberty into their chosen supernaturalism. For that reason alone, I'm filing this epic 'no harm, no foul', in my pagan scribbler archives. Pat Robertson Quote During a Cross Cultism pilgrimage to the holy land, fire-breathing televangelist Pat Robertson unleashed some prose that thrilled his 4,000 (plus) fellow pilgrims spitless:
That enraged bellowing is CAIR having a Mecca Maniac hissy fit. A Robertson bashing news conference tirade is a slam dunk. As usual, when it happens, your favorite pagan scribbler will serve up all the juicy details. NOVEMBER 2004
The Perverted Padre Caper Source: Pagan Scribbler News Wire [11/29] A Southern Mexifornia (National City, Mexifornia) Cross Cult padre hit on a nifty way to get horizontal and squishy with certain 'this is your lucky day, darlin' true believers. Invoking his supernaturalist powers he detected a Satanic plot to harm his chosen booty, but he knew a way to save her. There was a price to pay, of course, leading us to our Paul Harvey moment and 'the rest of the story'. One of his endangered flock, serves up the relevant details:
If convicted, the perverted padre's horizontal exploits will still feature him in a staring role, as Buford's new bitch. That sounds like divine retribution to this pagan scribbler. Rosary True Believer Homophobes? A Minnesota Toll Booth [paganese for a church], the Cathedral of St. Paul, was vandalized - some deem it an 'informal exorcism' - by person or persons unknown, because the Toll Booth, routinely, allows avowed homosexuals to partake of 'holy communion'. The vandalism entailed dumping oil and salt throughout the Toll Booth, presumably to cleanse the sinful, GLAAD BAAG-induced stain from the 'house of god'.
Since this vandalism is aimed, allegedly, at GLAAD BAAGs, the proper authorities are sending up 'hate crime' trial balloons, a sure sign that the presumed perpetrator, Catholics Against Sacrilege, is an essentially oppressor organization. This pagan is left wondering what happened to all that Cross Dude prose about "turning the other cheek". Who knew that these legendary words don't apply to the differently-sexual? Learn something new every day. Another Supernaturalist Panty Twister Early in the twentieth century - circa 1908 - the Women's Christian Temperance Union teamed up with the '95 Mental Culture Club to erect a statue of the Greek Goddess Hebe - the goddess of youth who served nectar to the gods - at a strategic locale in Roseburg, Oregon. At the time, the locale marked the demarcation between the city's 'wet' and 'dry' sections of town.
Accidentally destroyed in 1912, the statue never left Roseburg's collective consciousness. This fun fact might explain why certain Roseburg denizens want to recapture this element in the city's history by re-erecting a Hebe statue in a city park. Making this a 'no harm, no foul' notion, these Hebe fanciers are raising the necessary boodle to get the deed done, but there's a new fly in the ointment. Certain Roseburg supernaturalists aren't thrilled spitless about having this nectar-serving pagan goddess in their midst, because, according to them "She doesn't uphold morality". Irony alert: The WCTU - nobody's idea of a liberal organization - deemed a nectar packing Hebe 'inoffensive', but twenty-first century supernaturalists have moved so far to the right that anything even remotely, 'unchristian' is deemed uncool for school. Don't these rigidly righteous righties have anything better to do? The New Morality Nazi Crusade With the VRWC [vast right-wingnut conspiracy] dominating both houses in congress, Nanny State activists started tooling up for a new Amerikan affliction. This new Amerikan affliction - "porn addiction" - is tailor-made for the morality mutants enshrined on capitol hill. With Morality Nazis perched atop the political heap, "porn addiction" activists got a red carpet welcome in the halls of congress. If you're not smelling a censorship tidal wave rearing up to suffocate our inalienable liberty, you're in a coma.
One activist likened "porn addiction" to drug addiction, a notion that invites a Draconian - war on drugs-class - response from a rigidly righteous retard like Senator Brownback. After leading the decency dementia on capitol hill, Senator Sam is just the man to suffocate free speech with a bold new campaign that will, inevitably, condemn the Internet - all speech outlets, eventually: books music, magazines, movies, newspapers, etc - to FCC-scripted oblivion. Is a Cross Cult Amerikan theocracy in our immediate future? You better damn believe it, Supernaturalist Storm Trooper Sparky. Holy Roller News Nuggets Preprogrammed Supernaturalists
The usual supernaturalist suspects are outraged but Dr. Hamer has their back:
See? Aren't you feeling a tad foolish for getting all worked up and asking Old Ka-Boom to lay some heavy duty smiting on Dr. Hamer? Back To Square One
This puts Genesis 1:1 about 8,000 BCE, for those who obsess on such details. Setting aside the avalanche of scientific fact that blows this 10,000 year-old Earth crap out of the water, I still have some problems with the God Squad creation myth. Since there were only two people and all the rest of us are descended from them, there had to be major league incest going on, as soon as their children achieved the proper age for reproduction. I mean who else could Cain or Able bed, except for a sister or mommy dearest? Great Zot! This puts a whole new spin on the phrase 'Family Values'. By the fourth or fifth generation hatched from all this in-breeding, the human population had to look like a flock of 'Deliverance' extras. No wonder their God dude flooded the whole planet, setting off another round of rampant family ‘togetherness’ a.k.a. incest within Noah’s family, the sole survivors of this world cleansing disaster. The only other possibility is that their God, subsequent to the Adam and Eve fiasco, created other humans. If this happened, then the stunning implication is that the God Squad’s 'unblemished word of God' - The Bible - is woefully incomplete and, therefore, not to be trusted as a foundation for anyone's personal philosophy. A second, more important result of these unproclaimed humans is the destruction of the beloved - God Squad mutants love to proclaim their inherent sinfulness - original sin concept. Since many, if not most, of us would be descended from someone other than the denigrated Adam and Eve, we are not subjected to this ‘original sin’. Bold New Concept! I know...I know...There I go again, haranguing the true believers. I'm so ashamed...[Visualize a pagan scribbler hanging his head in shame, if that thrills you spitless.] Thank You Lord, May I Have Another
The turmoil that ensued began when Stevie boy, casually, mentioned his brain-fart in a class, afterwards. Faster than a speeding communion wafer, Stevie got fired, Joe Brost resigned and 20 of the school's 120 inmates took their educrap pursuits elsewhere. Big, big fun. I double-dog-dare Gene Scott, John Hagee, Paul Crouch, Pat Robertson or Jerry Falwell to top Stevie in the supernaturalist fanaticism department. If they want to give it a try and need a volunteer to whip some sense into them, I'm ready willing and able to comply. All they gotta do is ask...Just say the word, dudes. The Mythical Big Elephant Clan Tent Sporting egos that are egregiously inflated by News Nazi blithering about the November 2 "Morality Mandate", smugly sanctimonious family values goose-steppers are serving notice about who is - and who isn't - welcome in the Elephant Clan's 'Big - holy roller revival - Tent'. The first Elephant Clan hack to stray into the family values horde bull's-eye is Senator Arlen Specter, but, the following warnings are distinctly "To Whom It May Concern" where Republicans In Name Only (RHINO) hacks are concerned. The Los Angeles Times served up these tantalizing true believer tidbits:
These family values fanatics are determined to go down in flames in 2008, by serving up supremely supernaturalist candidates like Alan 'Couldn't be elected garbage collector' Keyes and Gary 'Born Loser' Bauer. President-elect Hillary Rodham Clinton? You better believe it, pious prattler Sparky. Evil Incarnate? According to certain ubiquitous, family values suspects - Joe Farah, James Dobsen, Robert Knight, et al - the blame for Amerika's alleged moral decay falls squarely on sex researcher Alfred Kinsey's shoulders. History-challenged readers will want to know that Alfred Kinsey's claim to fame is asking Amerikans about their sex habits and publishing the results in 1948 and 1953. He called his findings 'The Kinsey Report' and in its day, it set tongues wagging from sea to shining sea. Somehow, outraged supernaturalists managed make Kinsey personally responsible for 'AIDS, abortion, the high divorce rate, pornography' (Mercury News), plus '60's era licentiousness - the 'sexual revolution'. Admittedly, this holy roller view plays well in red state Toll Booths, but rational adults beg to differ:
Goading supernaturalists to record-shattering irrationality, a just released Kinsey biopic has the family values goose-steppers foaming at the mouth. Dobson and his fellow storm troopers claim this flick mocks Cross Cultism and promotes immorality, and his blithering is far from unique. Here are some choice Kinsey flick bashing tidbits to amaze an amuse you:
Alfred Kinsey is, according to holy rollers, the devil incarnate, the root of all evil and a pedophile to boot. With all that on his plate, how did Alfred find time to conduct his survey? I'm still working on that one. The fact is that I don't give a flaming damn about Kinsey and that's a no shit fact. But, just to piss off these screeching supernaturalist assclowns, I'll force myself to sit through this Kinsey flick. It's a pagan scribbler thing, so sue me. Falwell Rises From The Ashes Encouraged by the celebrated morality-motivated electorate bovine excrement, supernaturalist, emeritus, Jerry Falwell, plots to revive his moribund family values cabal via a "21st Century resurrection of the Moral Majority" (AP). Leaving his Cross Cult cabal - Liberty University, Thomas Road Baptist Church - in his sons' hands, Falwell will focus all his efforts on building up his Morality Nazi cadre, the 'Faith and Values Coalition'.
Mr. Falwell is living proof that the media's "beware of the religious right" hot air is a self-fulfilling prophecy. This "morality motivated electorate" notion is debatable, as it relates to November 2, 2004, but, true or not, it's a verifiable fact, now. Easily led, the holy roller horde willingly assembles beneath the family values banner to become what the News Nazis - plus assorted lefty talking heads - erroneously, claim they were, on election day. Jerry Falwell just put himself back in the game. Call me names if you must, but, I'm thrilled by his return. His inherent irrationality is great scribbler material. DECEMBER 2004
Supernaturalism Snippets Source: Pagan Scribbler News Wire [12/22] A Toll Booth Termination
Rev. Bill sewed the seeds of his own destruction when he filled David Cooper's alleged brain with all this Satan lurks around every corner bovine excrement. File this epic under "true believer assisted suicide", in your holy roller archives. Cambodia's Supernaturalism-Inspired Censorship
The song's purveyors sell this goodie as a cautionary tale about a monk who ignores sage monk advice, falls for the hottie, quits his monk gig, then gets dumped by the hottie. Yeah right, now tell me the one about the Cambodian Easter Bunny. Stray Synaptic Activity Hannity's daily sermon revolved around the venerable phrase "one nation under god". Making this boom box Cross Cult extravaganza especially meaningful, he had supernaturalist, emeritus, Jerry Falwell as a guest. I don't know who played rational adult pinata today, because the Hannity-Falwell double team didn't let him squeeze in more than the occasional stray syllable. When the supernaturalist duo hammered their chosen pinata on "one nation under god", a stray pagan synapse fired:
Based on the aforementioned "god-fearing" blights on the globe, "one nation under god" need not denote a nation "conceived in liberty and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal". If you meet Hannity in a dark alley and crave some big time fun, quote this pagan prose then step back to enjoy the ensuing fireworks. Afterthought Tis The Season I - Ingraham Cross Cultism The following random impressions occurred to me:
Why did a dude who espouses 'reason' allow himself to be a human pinata on Ingraham's show? It was, from the start, a waste of time. Trying reason on a supernaturalist makes as much sense as quoting Ingersol to your 2 year old while he's throwing a tantrum. It might make you feel better, but the your emotionally-driven counterpart can't or won't go there. Tis The Season II - Hannity Atheism Just for fun, let's take a look at Hannity's deity. Sean finds it utterly reasonable to believe in a disembodied force - god - that just 'is'. Furthermore, he finds it utterly reasonable to believe that a disembodied deity that is powerful enough to create the entire universe from nothing is so bored that he spends all his time micro-managing Sean's pissant life. Is Hannity's pious delusion more probable than a universe that created itself out of nothing? No way in hell, supernaturalist Sparky. "Endowed By Their Creator" Like the Mexifornia Educrat, Hannity thinks that 'endowed by their creator' is more important than the inalienable rights upon which our nation was built. The phrase that both of them are abusing is not an endorsement of Old Ka-Boom; it's a ringing endorsement of inalienable individual liberty. In fact Old Ka-Boom is merely a bit player here. This fun fact is demonstrated very easily, by conducting a simple experiment.
The essential concept put forth by the these immortal words - "that they are endowed by their creator with certain unalienable rights" - a concept that Hannity tramples so frivolously, is straightforward and utterly unambiguous: Jefferson tells the individual, and the government that is supposed to be the individual's servant, that each individual is born with a full complement of unalienable rights, rights that the government cannot, must not, violate. The rights set forth by Jefferson - life, liberty, the pursuit of happiness - belong to the individual and are, therefore, beyond the reach of government, other individuals, or a rigidly self-righteous mob. The essential point isn't where the rights came from...The essential point is the fact the these - and other - rights are each individual's birthright. They are, therefore, beyond the reach of aspiring tyrants, even petty, would-be tyrants like Sean Hannity. Hannity trivializes Thomas Jefferson's ringing endorsement of inalienable individual liberty into a sales pitch for Sean's deity. I don't expect the Mexifornia Educrat who banned the Declaration of Independence from the classroom because he thinks it promotes Old Ka-Boom to 'get it', but Sean "cut me and I bleed red, white and blue" Hannity should know better. Filipino Mecca Maniac Epic The hacks in Marawi City (Philippines) formalized Mecca Maniac intolerance with bold new decrees that issue strict dress codes for women and ban public, GLAAD BAAG displays. Marawi City is located in a Mecca Maniac region of the Philippines called the "Autonomous Region in Muslim Mindanao" (ARMM) so, if you're planning a trek to this Mecca Maniac infestation, kindly heed the following rules of engagement as detailed by the Philippine Star:
Marawi City's religious police are on the alert for anyone who violates 7th century propriety and will punish offenders by pouring paint on their heads. Other items deemed uncool in Mecca Maniac dominated Marawi City include: computer games, video games, video karaoke, and gambling. Adult beverages are okey dokey for private use, but it's virtually impossible to find anyone who will sell it to you. Will the Philippines get swallowed by this 7th century supernaturalism? You better believe it, Mecca Maniac Sparky. Afterthoughts Rigidly Righteous In Talibanma A Talibanma (the state formerly known as Alabama) state legicrat, Gerald Allen (Elephant Clan, of course), is cuing up new legicrap that would evict all books - fiction or nonfiction - that "recognize or promote homosexuality as an acceptable lifestyle" from public libraries, including Ivory Tower libraries.
In addition to banning textbooks, articles or classroom discussions that suggest GLAAD BAAGism is coded in certain individuals' DNA, this egregiously fetid legicrap would banish Tennessee Williams' classic, "Cat On A Hot Tin Roof". It would also exterminate "The Color Purple", "The Picture of Dorian Gray", and "Brideshead Revisited", to name a few. Leaving no homophobic, Morality Nazi, stone unturned, this goose-stepping asshat's bill would also ban any book that "recognize or promote a lifestyle or actions prohibited by [Talibanma's] sodomy and sexual misconduct laws" (News), even when those perpetrating these banned-in-Talibanma acts are a heterosexual couple. If you don't see the mortal danger this legicrap poses to our inalienable individual liberty, you're in a stoned-on-Old-Ka-Boom coma. Wake up and smell the Amerikan Theocracy coffee before it's too damn late, Sparky. Afterthought Talibanma must be forcibly evicted from the Union...right damn now! This is not a drill. Cherry Mama Mania Branching Out Source: Connecticut Post Unwilling to let Rosary True Believers have all the delusional fun, Orthodox Church cross cultists in Bridgeport just perpetrated their own Cherry Mama sighting. For those who crave all the details, the Cherry Mama is currently appearing at the Holy Trinity Greek Orthodox Church in Bridgeport, Connecticut.
Since the Orthodox Church is, essentially, a Catholic clone gig, this isn't exactly breaking news. But, when Baptists start seeing the Cherry Mama in a Ford Ranger hubcap, peeling paint, a broken window or stained stucco, we'll have incontrovertible proof that there's more than H2O in the holy water. Holy Roller
Musings If you examine Old Ka-Boom's Old Testament antics, you reach the inevitable conclusion that Old Ka-Boom is a raging, bloodthirsty lunatic. When we examine the three prevailing flavors of Old Ka-Boomism, there is only one that best reflects this murderously bipolar deity's character: Mecca Mania. The Mecca Maniacs took a long hard look, got it right the first time and organized their kill everyone we don't like religion accordingly. Bold new concept. The Eternal
Struggle? The local access, Adelphia channel has this moronic discussion roundtable that is, usually, a tribute to unfiltered leftism. Tonight, they had a debate about Israel vs Palestine, one that included at least one Mecca Maniac dolly and a no shit Israeli. All you had to do is listen to them talk and you could see the future of this endless 'conflict'. Israel and the Palestinians are fundamentally incompatible. The only way this ends is if...when one side completely wipes out every single individual on the other side. Anything less and this mess continues, until our Sun burns out. Another
Sandbox Morality Nazi Epic Saudi Arabia continues to outpace the competition in their irrational zeal to coerce compliance with their stupefying sand rat supernaturalism. Determined to stamp out secularism throughout the 'kingdom', the official Saudi Morality Nazi cadre - Authority for the Promotion of Virtue and Prevention of Vice (APVPV) - is out in force on the eve of that pernicious infidel blight...the New Year's celebration.
How valid can your supernaturalism be, if you must coerce compliance through Mecca Maniac storm trooper intimidation? The Saudi sandbox is stumbling, inexorably, toward a well-deserved, long-overdue irrelevance. It can't happen too soon. Pissed Off
Pagans According to this holy roller Internet site, Amerikan pagans have their panties in a bunch because a White House spokes-dolt dissed them. How did a pagan with my lofty stature miss the memo on this blatant pagan abuse? Here I am 'outraged' and I don't even know it. The White House hack targeted by pagans is Jim Towey, the White House director for W's faith-based initiatives brain-fart. He did the evil deed during an Online "Ask The White House" chat, when someone asked if pagan faith-based groups qualified for dead presidents under this supernaturalism-coddling bovine excrement.
Who knew that pagans qualified as a 'group', faith-based or otherwise? Bold new concept! Reverend Barry Lynn, executive director for Americans United for the Separation of Church and State is shocked, shocked I tell you that a holy roller like W dares to - through his spokes-dolt - opine that pagans need not apply. Barry, dude, stop smoking those funny cigarettes, stat! W's faith-based money laundering scheme is another blatant ploy to pander for votes. In this case, he's using your tax dollars to bribe his cross cult political base into voting for him next November. Barry should be up to speed on this stuff, but, should he need me to explain this to him, I'm ready, willing and able. It's the least this far from outraged pagan scribbler can do. Supernaturalist
Silliness Torah True Believers in a misery monger cabal called the 'American Gathering of Holocaust Survivors' are poised to launch a shyster assault on the Mormon Church over something Mormons call 'vicarious baptism'. The misery mongers whine that Mormons don't rigorously enforce a 1995 pact in which they promised to stop baptizing room temperature Torah True Believers into the Mormon Church. The Mormons insist that they did their best to purge the 380,000 holocaust victims from their 400 million name church list, but misery mongers insist that 20,000 holocaust victim names remain. Also, misery mongers claim, new Torah True Believer names are still being added, every damn day and they're up to here with it. Misery mongers live to complain, no matter how asinine the reason. A rational adult would simply acknowledge that Mormons are clinically bonkers - in the extreme - and shrug off this ridiculous vicarious baptism bovine excrement. If some intellectually flat-lining Mormon gets baptized for a long dead Torah True Believer, where's the harm? Which part of 'the Mormons are freaking bonkers' don't these misery mongers understand? Afterthought
NOVEMBER
2003
Another Homo Hissy-Fit Source: South Florida Sun-Sentinel A student attending a private Holy Roller school got the heave-ho when he 'came out' to his schoolmates by declaring his GLAAD-BAAG inclinations. You don't need Nostradamus to predict how much that thrilled school officials.
Jeffrey's mommy went shyster bonkers, saying in essence, 'They expelled him for being a homo'. Assuming that things are exactly as she claims, so what? A private Holy Roller school can set its own rules. If they want to ban homos, so be it. Their school, their rules, game over. Sorry, Jeffrey. Better luck at your next school. Afterthoughts
He follows up by insisting that the school isn't 'anti-gay' it's 'anti-sin'. He also leaves the door cracked open, for future gay students. Grimm insists that they will be admitted on a 'case-by-case' basis, depending on the student - and his or her parents' - accepting certain, unspecified, school rules. Gotcha! When your claim to civic fame is based on your warrior for civic decency credentials, certain lifestyle options are precluded. Getting caught in your civic decency ride with a hooker and a bottle of Viagra is near the top of the morality Nazi's banned behavior list. Louisville denizen, John W. Riddle is, at age 65, old enough to know this, but he went out and did it, nonetheless.
Merely-mortal, fallen Morality Nazi John only wanted to make his beloved city safe for 'residential neighborhoods and businesses that cater to children and families' (Courier-Journal). He never said a word about preventing horny old Viagra-packing goats from getting horizontal with a hooker. John epitomizes the timeless adage: "Do as I say, not as I do." Bold new concept. Darwin's
Lone Start Tussle Supernaturalists lost a big one, when the Texas State Board of Educrap shot down a Holy Roller plot to inject their creationist mythology into the state's high school biology text books. Due to the way the text book industry works, this edict reaches far beyond the Lone Star state's borders.
Science survives to fight another day. Can I get a big 'amen' from the congregation? Probably not, in this instance. I can live with that. A Golden
D'oh Moment? A woman teaching at an all girls, Rosary True Believer school hatched a free speech brain-fart that got her fired in a heartbeat. Her sin is a gem: she let her name be printed as part of an abortion rights ad in the local fishwrap. If you think this wench launched a shyster assault, give yourself a gold star.
Nice try, but no cigar. Their school...their rules...game over. It is - or ought to be - as simple as that. Public Library
Porn A Greeley, Colorado mommy went porn book postal when her offspring - ages 8 and 5 - bagged a 'how to' sex book from the local public library. For those who lust after library porn, here are the essentials:
Bring that kind of assclown, the outraged mommy is passing around a petition to get the book banned by the Greeley public library system. If she succeeds then, once again, sovereign adult individuals lose their liberty because some morality Nazi bitch can't supervise her children's reading material. We are majorly unamused. 'He' Made
Me Do It An Aussie desperado's excuse is a novel twist on the tried and true 'the devil made me do it'. According to our hero, Old Ka-Boom planted a 'banks are evil so go thee forth and rob them' hot celestial flash in his head. A true believer, our hero strived for celestial approval by 'holding up 5 banks, three TAB outlets [I haven't got a clue on TAB] and a petrol station' (Herald Sun) between August '97 and December '99. He may or may not bag cushy heavenly accommodations, eventually, but...short term, he's a gray bar hotel denizen for 5 to 19 years. Can I get a heartfelt 'praise the lord' from the congregation? – Compiled by T.D. Treat |
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Copyright 1993-2005 PIG - The Politically Incorrect Gazette
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