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PIG NEWS DIGEST | EDUCRAP

DECEMBER 2006

Zero Tolerance in Maryland
Source: Herald-Mail [12/20/06]

The officials at a Washington County (Maryland) cess-school went Zero Tolerance Zombie bonkers when one of their male inmates sexually harassed one of the female inmates by pinching the wench on the bottom. In a heartbeat this government school horndog was hammered for "unwelcome sexual advances, request for sexual favors and/or other inappropriate verbal, written or physical conduct of a sexual nature directed toward others" (Herald-Mail). A spokesdolt for the cess-school in question is standing firm on the sexual harassment charge:

"It's important to understand a child may not realize that what he or she is doing may be considered sexual harassment, but if it fits under the definition, then it is, under the state's guidelines. If someone has been told this person does not want this type of touching, it doesn't matter if it's at work or at school, that's sexual harassment." (Washington County Public Schools spokeshole, Carol Mowen as quoted by the Herald-Mail).

To put this epic into its proper perspective, there are a couple additional facts to be considered. The school in question is Lincolnshire Elementary School and this dastardly sexual harassing horndog is a 5 year old lad who has no clue whatsoever about "sex" and probably calls dad kissing mom "mush". Undaunted, the Zero Tolerance Zombies have chiseled "sexual harassment" on the lad’s permanent school record. They swear it will disappear when he moves on the middle school, but I wouldn’t bet the damn farm on it. A 5 year old pinches a girl’s butt and it’s sexual harassment! Have these Korrectnik rat bastards lost their goddamn minds completely?

Great Northwest Nitwit Reality Check
Source: Seattle Post-Intelligencer [12/19/06]

The Law of Unintended Consequences chickens have come home too roost in a rainsoaked outpost of rampant liberalism called Seattle. This particular reality check reached critical mass when the financial bleeding from a self inflicted junk food ban in Seattle’s government schools became impossible to ignore. It all looked so good on paper, so how did things go so terribly wrong when they were only making these changes to the school’s food offerings "for the children"?

The Seattle School District pissed away $340,000 a year when they canceled a contract with Coca Cola.

The schools lost another pile of loot when they switched the school’s vending machine offerings to "healthy" snacks like granola bars and trail mix.

Another bullet found its mark in the school district’s wallet when a statistically significant number of cess-school inmates stopped eating lunch in the school cafeteria and started going off campus to buy the kind of snacks the like: Skittles, deep-fried pizza sticks, marshmallow treats, chips, cookies and sugar-laced sodas.

The clucking from those Law of Unintended Consequences chickens is getting too loud to ignore.

‘..."There's sort of a crisis mode," said Dick Lee, a Ballard High alumnus who coordinates fundraisers as director of the district's Office of School Partnerships. "Schools saw this coming, some built up small reserves -- but no one knew what the impact would be. ... It's maybe been a little worse than expected."

For some schools, even those in more affluent areas, the loss hits hard. Ballard High School received more than $34,100 from the Coca-Cola contract and vending machine revenue in 2004. During the fall and winter of 2005-06, the new vending contract generated only $2,449 -- less than what the school received on vending revenue alone during September 2004...’ (Post-Intelligencer)

Seattle’s Educrats are "brain-storming" ideas to correct the situation, but don’t hold your breath waiting for them to say "Oops, never mind". In a rational world, they would try performing their primary function - instilling knowledge about reading, writing, history and math - and let the inmates’ parents deal with those pesky nutritional issues. The problem with that notion is that we’re talking about a notoriously irrational zip code of the Twilight Zone, not a place where linear synaptic functions are likely to happen.

Banning Academic Achievement
Source: PIG’s Golden Oinks 2006 [12/15/06]

This week, the principal at a Bay State government cess-school named Needham High School painted a bull’s-eye on student academic achievement and booted it out of the school system. This Educrat scumbag’s named is Paul Richards and he is shocked, dismayed and alarmed over the inexplicable - to him - obsession serious students have with their grades. To refocus their attention on more suitable student pursuits - multiculturalism, no doubt - this cretin has decreed that, henceforth, the names of students who make the honor roll will no longer by published in the local paper. Why? You’re going to love it.

‘...Principal Paul Richards said a key reason for stopping the practice is its contribution to students' stress level in "This high expectations-high-achievement culture."...’

‘...Richards said publishing of the honor roll represented "an unhealthy focus on grades." He pointed out that there are lots of other ways that students achieve, such as in clubs, musicals, concerts, athletics and community service. He said the ranking of students solely based on grades goes against the school's overall mission which is to "promote learning."...’ (Boston Channel Web Site)

If educational achievement isn’t measured by a student’s grades...if getting on the honor roll subjects the merely mortal student to stress, how exactly does Principal Pinhead plan to measure his success at "promoting learning"? I can hear him now: "We selected Moonbeam to be our student achiever of the year, because she planted some greenery at the local homeless shelter. I can’t discuss the charges that she deliberately planted a marijuana grove at the site, since the matter is still under litigation".

You might as well stick a fork in meaningful education at Needham High, because they just named student academic achievement public enemy number one.

Letting It all Hang Out
Source: World Net Daily [12/12/06]

A class project chosen by certain seniors in Antelope Valley Union High School’s drama club is giving all the usual suspects a case of moral outrage heartburn. The project sounds salacious in the extreme, the way a hyperventilating World Net Daily describes it:

‘...Officials in the Antelope Valley Union High School District have been under a flood of criticism since WND broke the story over the weekend that the production, approved by the school as part of a Senior Project, featured teen girls wearing garters, teddies and stockings – and little else...’

‘...WND also has obtained photographs from the production, revealing a skin-flaunting, body-grabbing series of numbers for which most viewers would have to pay a cover charge and two-drink minimum, according to Mike Spence, a school board in West Covina, Calif., who was horrified at the situation...’ (WND)

After the ensuing deluge of moral outrage swept over the district, Antelope Valley trustee, Al Beattie, served up "the rest of the story". The most important fact that WND missed in its zealous initial report was the fact that this production is not a Antelop Valley Union High School production. It’s a production at Antelope Valley College. Mr. Beattie explained it this way:

"Please understand that this is not a high school or district sponsored event. There are high school students, who are enrolled in a drama class at Antelope Valley College (with parental consent) that are participating in this production. The High School District has no control over the student involvement in this production. There are two or three students who were planning on using their involvement as their required Senior Project. Because the production does not conform to district standards and bylaws or dress code, these students have been informed that they may not use this production as a means of satisfying the Senior Project graduation requirement." (Al Beattie as quoted by WND on 12/12/06)

Did that response satisfy WND or the relevant Mexifornia morality mutants? Get a grip, Sparky. I won’t bore you with the usual TFV angst about 21st century decadence, the parallels between America and Rome, not to mention Sodom and Gomorrah. I will pass along the fun fact that one of the high school participants is high school senior named Lane Williamson who is DIRECTING this production of a familiar period piece called, "Cabaret".

With senior project credit denied, and no direct involvement in this production by Antelope Valley Union High School this matter would seem to be closed. WND can continue to beat this dead horse, but I plan to get on with my life.

Zero Tolerance Strikes Again
Source: Waco, Texas Boob Tube (News Channel 25) [12/08/06]

According to the officials at a Waco, Mexas cess-school, Damarcus Blackwell’s son is a loathsome pervert. The Blackwell lad is accused of "inappropriate physical behavior interpreted as sexual contact and/or sexual harassment". As a result of his allegedly blatant, pre-meditated, assault on a female school employee, the Blackwell lad was put on something called an ‘in-school suspension’. I’m guessing that means he’s sitting in a room alone with some male school employee watching his every move.

There’s just one thing you need to know to put this incident into its proper perspective. The Damarcus Blackwell’s son is 4 years old. His dastardly act transpired when the pre-kindergartner was lined up to catch the bus after school. He hugged the female employee in question, allegedly "rubbing his face against her chest". That’s all it took for this so-called adult to go bonkers with sexual harassment.

We’d like to tell you that this story has a happy ending but we can’t. The good news is that they dropped all the "sexual references" from the tyke’s disciplinary report. The bad news is that they’re leaving the report with its "inappropriate physical contact" bovine excrement in his permanent school record. Which part of he’s only 4 goddamn years old don’t the pinheads running La Vega Primary School understand?

NOVEMBER 2006

Conservative College Women Get Organized
Source: Washington Times [11/25/06]

Up to "here" with the way NO-NADS suffocate any rational discussions, Karin L. Agness organized a group to where conservative college women could gather to discuss issues of special interest to them. The name of her new - and growing - group is Network of enlightened Women or NeW. It started simply enough as a conservative book club at the University of Virginia in 2004, but it has since expanded into a counter-offensive against NO-NAD propaganda.

For example, when the U. Va. NO-NADS perpetrated another presentation of Eve Ensler’s "The Vagina Monologues", Karin and her NeW crew countered by inviting Christina Hoff Sommers to address conservative U. Va. College women. A staunch critic of the "Vagina Monologues" Christina gave NeW some of her sage advice:

‘...Miss Sommers, a resident scholar with the American Enterprise Institute, a conservative public-policy group, said that NeW meets the needs of many students alienated by campus feminism, which she says is dominated by hard-liners. "To go into a typical women's studies center on campus is to enter the world of really extreme feminism, including male-bashing, and they're hostile to many of the things young women want," including a traditional marriage and being stay-at-home mothers, Miss Sommers said...’ (Washington Times)

Since NeW started at the University of Virginia, it has branched out to more than a dozen colleges: Ohio State, Arizona State, University of Alabama-Birmingham, Drake University, Cal State Long Beach, Tallahassee Community College, Boise State University, South Jersey Collegiate, High Point University, University of Oregon, University of Mary Washington, Rice University, Texas State University and the College of William & Mary. If you want to organize a group on your campus, you can get all the relevant info on their Internet site: http://www.enlightenedwomen.org/.

PIG salutes NeW for their efforts and wishes them good luck in counteracting the pernicious NO-NAD plague.

Brit School Coddles Mecca Maniacs
Source: PIG News Wire [11/24/06]

The Educrats running Oakwood School in Rotherham stirred up a hornets’ nest when they went Korrectnik bonkers with the school’s Christmas menu. The instant they announced that "hala chicken" would be the only choice on the menu, parents and students went postal. FYI: Hala edibles are "slaughtered while mentioning the name of Allah and the carcass hung upside down long enough for all the blood to drained". Big, big fun, but not what many of the 1,000 students at the school wanted.

Why, you ask, would school officials go Mecca Maniac bonkers with the menu? According to school officials, it was intended to foster "a spirit of inclusion". In other words, "we were terrified that we might piss off some Islamikaze pinheads". Thanks to parents like Rachel Johnson, the kids will have a choice at the Christmas meal: hala chicken or the traditional turkey will all the trimmings. Rachel said it all with these well chosen words:

"Why can't we have a choice of chicken which suits everyone, both Muslims and non-Muslims? We bend over backwards at Eid to eat traditional Muslim food so why should we have to change our Christmas tradition? This is a multi-racial, multi-religious school and should be catering for the needs of everyone, not just the Muslim section." (Telegraph)

PIGish kudos go out to Rachel Johnson and all the other students and parents who nuked this Korrectnik brain-fart.

College Republicans Thrill Ethnocrats at Boston University
Source: Hambo’s Hammer [11/24/06]

Boston University’s College Republicans have Ethnocrats from sea to shining sea in a panty-twisted tizzy with their plans for a "Caucasian Achievement And Recognition Scholarship". In order to qualify for the paltry $250 scholarship, an applicant must be at least 25% Caucasian, be a full-time Boston University undergraduate student, and have at minimum a 3.2 GPA. Those who surmount that hurdle must then complete two essays: one details the applicants ancestry; the second deals with "what it means to you to be a Caucasian-American". If you don’t smell a bitch-slap at affirmative action, you’re in a coma.

BUCR president Joe Mroszczyk describes this idea - one they borrowed from the College Republicans at Roger Williams University in Rhode Island - with this quote from an independent Boston University fishwrap called the Daily Free Press: "If you give out a white scholarship, it's racist, and if you give out a Hispanic scholarship, it is OK. It is the main point. We are not doing this scholarship as a white-supremacy scholarship."

The response from the usual, properly-hyphenated suspects runs the gamut from "I hear what you’re saying about racial preferences but we still need them to balance out America’s racist past" to "where’s your burning cross KKK breath" and everything in between. All of that is par for the course and the kind of "dialog" that the BUCR wants to generate on campus. It remains to be seen if the RNC will react the same way they did when Roger Williams University’s College Republicans played this "white scholarship" game of chickent. According to Roger Williams’ College Republican president at the time, Jason Mattera, the RNC was far from supportive:

‘...Mattera said people were aware the scholarship had "nothing to do with racism," but the Republican National Committee still did not want to be affiliated with the scholarship. "The RNC under [former chair] Ed Gillespie disagreed with me," Mattera said. "For Ed Gillespie to be dismissive or to imply that there was racism, he lacked any type of -- to put it bluntly -- balls in standing up against racial preferences. It would have been a great opportunity."...’ (Daily Free Press)

Girlieman is, I’m starting to understand, the RNC’s stock in trade. I think it’s time they grew a pair and started to follow BUCR’s lead by confronting the hot button racial preferences issue. Hambo salutes BUCR for daring to take on the powerful Ethnocrat smear machine. That’s brass nads with a vengeance.

Educrap News Tidbits
Source: PIG News Wire [11/17/06]

Lexington (South Carolina)
A five year old tyke set off a Zero Tolerance tizzy when he brought a pocket knife to school. Alarmed Educrats went Zero Tolerance Zombie bonkers when the kindergartner used the pocket knife to open his sealed lunch. As a result of his actions, the tyke faces expulsion and the Sheriff’s office is bummed that 5 years old is too young to run up on possessing a deadly weapon on school grounds charges. Overkill? You better damn believe it, Sparky. The kid is 5! At that age just arriving to school on time is a major challenge. Expelling him is asinine.

The Big Apple (New York)
According to the New York Daily News, the city-wide ban on cell phones in schools hasn’t stopped certain clever wenchlets from smuggling them into school anyway. How do they get them past the school staff and metal detectors? They take out the batteries and stow them in their bag, then hide the phone where the searchers don’t dare look. I know what you’re thinking horndog PIGster and for once, you’re right:

"It isn't hard for girls at all. We just put the phone in our underwear. If the metal detector goes off, they only search your lower legs and upper body." (Veronica Abreu, 16)

You take the cell battery out, put it in your book bag, then you stick your phone where the sun don't shine." (An unnamed wench from another NYC school)

This Big Apple fishwrap shares many other smuggling methods, all of which seem to be devious, and damn effective. Some hide them in a bra. Others wrap them in an oversize belt buckle that they must remove before going through the school’s metal detectors. Others have their clever ways that they decided not to share. The bottom line is the same as it has always been: when you tell a teenager "no", you can bet the proverbial agriculture endeavor that they’ll find a way around your restriction.

Educrap On Parade
Source: PIG News Wire [11/10/06]

England I
Steve Kenning just made himself a contender for killjoy of the year. The Headmaster at a Brit outpost of Educrap called Callington Community College in Cornwall, Steve-o posted a new edict on the school’s website that banned "hugging". That’s right, this Educrat banned hugging because it’s "inappropriate" to hug "victims" against their will.

"Hugging was happening extensively and becoming the norm. We were worried it might become inappropriate. So we nipped it in the bud. This is very serious not only for the victim but for anyone accused of acting inappropriately. To avoid putting anyone at risk, please avoid hugging." (Steve’s blithering from the school’s web site.)

Proving how serious Steve-o is about his hugging ban, he held "naming and shaming" assemblies where hugging hooligans were publically "outed" in front of the school. He’s also condemn recidivist hugging hooligans to detention. PIG thinks this whole mess could be resolved peacefully if Steve-o would start taking his medication. In short order, the "voices" will stop and Steve can pull his head out of his butt.

Santa Barbara (Mexifornia)
Big Brother will arrive at Monte Vista, Vieja Valley and Hope Elementary schools next month when the schools’ Food Nazis put a fingerprint scanning rig into operation. Each time some tyke fills up that tray, they’ll press their finger to the scanner and the computerized system will spit out a steam of factoids about the hungry tyke: student’s name, student ID, teacher’s name, how much the tyke owes (because some receive Nanny State bucks for food).

In theory, it will "speed up the lines", but if you think that’s all that’s going on here, I have a bridge for sale in San Francisco. The other excuse for this ‘Big Brother is watching what you eat’ scam claims that it helps a school’s food wranglers do the paperwork needed to get those Uncle Sam greenbacks for the subsidized lunches program. All that might be true, but you gotta know that the Food Nazis will be using that data for a lot more than that. If you have a grade school tyke in the Hope Elementary School District, get ready for a note from the school’s Fat Nazis: "Did you know that your Moonbeam ate 4 puddings, and six slices of bread this week? We don’t want OUR Moonbeam to land on the Fatty Patty dishonor roll, now do we?"

England II
Those pesky liberals at BBC got a wild hair up their leftist butts and decided to conduct a survey to see how the new Brit "healthy food" scam was doing in the nation’s cess-schools. The results are troubling - for Food Nazis - and "well, duh" for rational adults. If you see where this story is headed, don’t spoil the surprise for the merely mortal.

59 Brit Educrap authorities responded to the BBC survey.

35 (59%) of the Educrap authorities reported a decline in the number of meals served in secondary schools.

Where declines were measured, 71% of the authorities blamed Jamie Oliver’s healthy food scheme.

The overall decrease in meals eaten is about 5.8%. Some schools showed declines as high as 30%.

The Food Nazis pushing this healthy food scheme insist that the kids will learn to like eating turnip shot and carrot crap. That might be true, but the local authorities who are hit with this decline in meals served are also alarmed by the fact that feeding the tykes healthy meals is much more expensive.

Will these facts make the Food Nazis back down? Get serious. They’re convinced that when they cess-school inmates get hungry enough, turnip snot and carrot crap will rate slightly higher than starvation. Bold new concept.

Holland
A Mecca Maniac teacher dolly got fired from her job at a high school because she refused to shake hands with men. When a Dutch commission reviewed the matter, it decided that firing her was over the top, but in its non-binding recommendation it didn’t advocate reinstating her to her former teaching post. For future reference, no doubt, the commission suggested that there are other ways to greet each other that don’t involve shaking hands. Fair enough, but how twisted is a flavor of supernaturalism when a harmless act like a man shaking hands with a woman gets twisted into something salacious, sexual and/or sinful?

Pie Chart Doesn’t Add Up
Source: New York Daily News [11/02/06]

A Brooklyn (NYC) high school principal might not be everything that is wrong with government cess-schools, but she’s damn sure one of the prime exhibits. Her name is Jolanta Rohloff and she’s a graduate of Big Apple Mayor Bloomberg’s "elite Leadership Academy for new principals". This week, she showed what she learned when she sent out a memo explaining the new grading system. The memo included a pie chart that is, to say the least, fatally flawed.

Before we get to the pie chart and its flaws, you need to know that Jolanda previously landed in hot water with the Educrap Department when she "gutted the grades of hundreds of students last summer". That incident is directly tied to the fatally flawed chart:

‘...Rohloff had docked students' grades by 10 to 15 points for failing to score 65 or higher on the Regents exam. Education Department officials ordered her to reverse the policy, which had sparked a firestorm among teachers and students. Rohloff subsequently put together a committee of teachers and students to revise the grading policy. The pie chart sent out Monday explained that under the new system Regents exams would count 25% toward final grades, homework for 10% to 20%, exams for 60% to 75% and classwork for 10% to 20%. Add it up and the range would be 105% to 140%....’ (Daily News)

If Jolanda Rohloff is what you get when you send someone to this "elite Leadership Academy", I don’t even want to think about what the ones who didn’t attend are doing. Jolanda needs to write "you can’t score more than 100%" on a blackboard until she gets the big picture.

OCTOBER 2006

Educrap News Round-Up
Source: PIG News Wire [10/27/06]

Livingston (Montana)
PIG News Update regulars should remember our pal Eric Messerli, but in case you don’t, here’s what we wrote about his antics:

Park High School’s principal, Eric Messerli took the "pal" part of his job title a tad too seriously and managed to get himself suspended in the process. We know what you’re thinking but this anything like THAT. The bovine excrement hit the proverbial cooling device while Principal Eric was kidding around with a dude in the senior class. Jawing with the lad about his stellar soccer skills, Eric ‘sullied’ the dignity of his loft position with this frivolity:

‘...the principal proceeded to pull the senior boy's shirt over his head and give him a wedgie by pulling his underwear up by the waistband..’ (NBC)

Eric’s ultimate fate is unclear. The relevant cess-school authorities are bloviating about Eric’s ability to re-establish his credibility with staff, students and parents. That must mean Eric is an oppressor and thus fair game. Life is so unfair that way.

Eric’s fate is now sealed, but it’s not as bad as we anticipated. He won’t need those resumes quite yet. Barely managing to keep his job, Eric will get an official letter of reprimand put into his personnel file. In addition to that minor indignity, Eric was suspended two days without pay and four days with pay, for crossing the line that separates "school administration" from "one of the guys". PIG thinks Eric is a drooling moron, but he’s not dangerously stupid, so keeping him on the payroll pans out as an unequivocal "no harm, no foul"

Tampa (Florida)
Another government cess-school principal registered on the PIG News radar this week, but this one isn’t a harmless fool, like Eric Messerli. His name is William Orr and he’s the principal of Hillsborough High School. The fun started when this pinhead found out about a front page story in the student fishwrap, the Red & Black. The carefully reseached story discussed in considerable detail the ongoing "achievement gap" that exists between Melanin-deficient students and "students of color". The story is described by the St. Petersburg Times, as follows:

‘...Editor-in-chief Emily Matras wrote the article, which included a chart breaking down Hillsborough High student test scores as reported on the state Education Department's Web site. She wanted to let classmates know what the school administration was doing to address the divide, including a schoolwide reading push...’ (Times)

Why, you ask, did Principal Pinhead pull this article from the paper? In addition to the usual reason, "because I can", he spouted this familiar drivel:

"If it's something that has a potential to hurt students' self-esteem, then I have an obligation not to let that happen. I don't think it's the job of the school newspaper to embarrass the students." (Times, emphasis added)

At Hillsborough High, Principal Pinhead’s mantra is painfully clear: "If the truth hurts, censor it." That’s a very interesting lesson he’s passing along. As much as his actions suck, they do serve one purpose. It gets Hillsborough High’s aspiring journalists ready for college, because this "to hell with the truth" attitude is endemic throughout this nation's Cultural Marxism infested Ivory Towers. Free speech might not be dead in America, but it damn sure appears to be on life support.

Washington D.C.
The NO NADS at the National Organization for Women have their panties in a wad - yes again - because the U.S. Department of Educrap just gave a provisional seal of approval to single sex classrooms in government cess-schools. That, these womyn whine, rolls out a red carpet for sex discrimination. In other words, if it might benefit the boys who are floundering in government schools, it must be sexist.

‘..."Some students may learn better in single-sex education environments," Education Secretary Margaret Spellings said. "These final regulations permit communities to establish single-sex schools and classes as another means of meeting the needs of students."

Education officials initially proposed the rules in early 2004, pointing to some U.S. research suggesting better student achievement and fewer discipline problems in single-sex classes including math and foreign languages. After receiving 5,600 public comments, education officials said they were moving forward with the plan with some wording tweaks and assurances from Attorney General Alberto R. Gonzales that it was legally sound...’ (Washington Times)

There are, as usual, some strings attached to this single sex class scam:

‘...Under the new rules, schools could separate genders for a variety of subjects if they thought it offered educational benefits, such as promoting greater student comfort or higher attendance. In all cases, enrollment in a single-sex class would be voluntary.

If a school creates a single-sex class, it would not be required to offer the other gender its own similar class, but it would have to offer a coed version of it. The rules also make it easier to create single-sex schools, as long as the district can demonstrate that it also provides coed schools with "substantially equal" benefits to the excluded sex...’ (Washington Times)

Will single sex classes cure what ails government educrap? Probably not, but as long as it gives NO NADS heartburn we’re willing to give it a shot.

Mind-Boggling Educrap Antics In Cleveland
Source: Cincinnati Enquirer [10/21/06]

When I read the headline for this epic, I wondered how the hell I strayed into the Twilight Zone, again: "Kindergartners to Get Sex Ed Classes". That’s right, PIGsters, some head up their butt Buckeye State Educrats plan to inflict sex educrap on tykes who still call their nads a ‘wee wee’. Asinine? Oh hell yes, but far from shocking. I thought the primary function of kindergarten was to teach tykes how to sit in a room filled with other tykes without beating the crap out of each other.

If you’re wondering how common this practice is, wonder no more. Lita Townsend, the demented bitch working as the Cleveland City cess-school’s sexual behavior coordinator freely admits that, as far as she knows, Cleveland is the only district in Ohio that perpetrates sex educrap in every damn grade level. If you’re wondering what kind of crap this sick bitch is perpetrating, here are the fetid factoids:

‘...The new classes, which begin soon, will address self-esteem and peer pressure as well as biology. Children in grades K-3 will learn about how viruses work and appropriate and inappropriate touching. Grades 4-6 will start learning about menstruation and other aspects of reproductive health. In grades 7-12, the discussion shifts to interpersonal relationships, HIV/AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases, teen pregnancy and respect for sexual orientation...’ (Enquirer)

Fear not Cleveland PIGsters, Lita is doing this for the tykes' own good. To prove it, she spouts a boatload of health statistics which, while alarming, are, quite frankly none of the government school’s damn business. If Lita wants to put a dent in HIV, STDs, and teenage pregnancies, she needs to get a job in the city, county or state health department. Don’t make me come over there, Lita.

Educrap Triple Play
Source: PIG News Wire [10/20/06]

Food Nazi Hell
A Brit schoolboy, 10 year old Ryan Stupples, did a header into a Zero Tolerance Zombie at Lunsford primary school in Larkfield, Kent when a snoopy Educrat inspected then black-flagged his lunch. Ryan’s cardinal Fat Nazi sin was bringing two snacks to school - biscuits and a piece of cake - when the pinheads running this cess-school only allow one. As a result, Ryan was exiled from the lunch room and forced to eat his lunch in the headmaster’s office. Headmaster Malcom Goddard is pleased as punch with the teacher’s goose-stepping, Food Nazi antics: "We take healthy eating very seriously and everyone is aware of the new policies." Die in a goddamn fire, Educrat scumbag.

Politically Incorrect Games
The tykes at an Attleboro (Mass.) cess-school, Willett Elementary, must think they’re in a high security prison instead of an institution devoted to learning. Thanks to a decree from school Principal Gaylene Heppe, they are no longer allowed to play tag, touch football or ‘any games involving contact’ during recess. Why? To keep the tykes safe, of course. Why not just tranquilize them into a coma for 8 hours, you deranged, Educrap major bitch?

Tagged and Sorted
The pinheads running Montgomery Blair High School in Silver Spring (MD) thrilled the inmates spitless this year with an asinine new name tag system. It’s not just any old name tag system, it’s color-coded. Different colored lanyards denote the grade the inmate’s grade (freshmen wear red, for example). The badges and lanyards also indicate which of the 11 "academies" the inmate is in, and much more. For example, a yellow badge denotes an English learner and a white badge signifies that an inmate is in a magnet program. If you think the students are thrilled about this, guess again. If you’re thinking "just ditch the damn thing", get over it. There are penalties for not wearing your prisoner I.D. Welcome to the Montgomery Blair Gulag, boys and girls. Ain’t life grand?

Educrap News Briefs
Source: PIG’s News Wire [10/17/06]

McMurray University
This Ivory tower didn’t have the resources for a prolonged fight with the NCAA’s Korrectnik horde, so the school announced that, henceforth, it will drop its venerable sports team nicknames. "Indian" and "Lady Indian" are gone and in their place, the nickname will be...nothing. In addition, Siberian-American themed logos will be expunged from the school’s uniforms, sports facilities and scoreboards. That will probably satisfy the NCAA pinheads, but PIG is convinced that the whining rat bastard Siberian-American sons-of-bitches will find some other way to make McMurry University miserable.

In a perfect world, the Eggheads running McMurry University would impose a scorched earth eradication of everything Siberian-American. That would involve banishing all vestiges of Siberian-Americans from the school’s library books, text books, and classes. In other words, scorched earth would mean, as far as McMurry University is concerned, Siberian-Americans never existed, and they still don’t. I can hear the interview now: "You want special consideration for admissions because you’re a what? American Indian? Never heard of it, Sparky. NEXT."

University of Wisconsin
The road trips for this Ivory Tower’s band sound like something straight out of a ‘Penthouse’ letters whopper or a porn flick. Things got so out of control that the whole damn band is on probation for "lewd behavior". How lewd? Lewd enough that, for their own safety, cheerleaders and the dance squad are transported to games on a separate bus. According to the Ivory Tower’s president, the band needs to clean up their act or they’ll lose all of their travel and performance privileges.

If you’re eagerly awaiting all the graphic details, learn to live with our disappointment, because we haven’t got the goods. The closest we can come is "boozing", "hazing", "inappropriate sexual acts" and "dancing semi-nude". Even if we did get the lurid details, our publisher, Porcus Maximus, is such a stick in the mud, he’d probably black flag them. So be it.

Park High School (Montana)
Park High School’s principal, Eric Messerli, took the "pal" part of his job title a tad too seriously and managed to get himself suspended in the process. We know what you’re thinking but this isn't anything like THAT. The bovine excrement hit the proverbial cooling device while Principal Eric was kidding around with a dude in the senior class. Jawing with the lad about the lad’s stellar soccer skills, Eric ‘sullied’ the dignity of his lofty position with this frivolity:

‘...the principal proceeded to pull the senior boy's shirt over his head and give him a wedgie by pulling his underwear up by the waistband..’ (NBC)

Eric’s ultimate fate is unclear. The relevant cess-school authorities are bloviating about Eric’s ability to re-establish his credibility with staff, students and parents. That must mean Eric is an oppressor and thus fair game. Life is so unfair that way.

Millais School (West Sussix)
Lydia Playfoot did a header into Brit Zero Tolerance when she got caught wearing a small silver "purity" ring that denotes the 15 year old wenchlet’s determination to stay chaste until she gets marriage. The Zero Tolerance Zombies at Millais School (PIG can’t help thinking that a better name would be Malaise School) black flagged Lydia’s bling because it violates the school’s no-jewelry policy. Bummer.

When accused of setting a double standard, school officials circled the wagons in predictable, sometimes amusing ways. They flatly reject the contention that they’re trampling on Lydia’s expression of faith, but that doesn’t pass the smell test. Lydia can’t wear her ring - no jewelry school officials say - but Sikh students get to wear a symbol of religiosity called a kara bracelet. The other response, the one relating to the ring as a symbol of Lydia’s chastity, produced this amazing response:

‘...Leon Nettley, headmaster of Millais, said in a statement that the school's own sex education programme already stressed that underage sex is illegal, and encouraged pupils to discuss the issues...’ (Daily Mail)

Zero Tolerance is wildly popular because it’s mindless and utterly devoid of common sense. Even Bubbles the Chimp could administer it - despite the fact that he’s dead, he’d still do a better job - because it’s an intellectual flat-liner’s dream. Unwilling to judge each case individually, these Zero Tolerance Zombie blunder through life, punishing the innocent for asinine reasons. Do everybody a favor Leon and put a gun to your head and pull the damn trigger.

Zero Tolerance Zombies
Source: PIG News Wire [10/12/06]

Brit ZTZ Adventure
The drama started when 14-year-old Codie Stott arrived for a science class and got assigned to work with a group of Asian students. The essential fact to keep in mind is that 4 of the 5 Asians didn’t speak any English. The fun kicked into high gear when teacher instructed the student work groups to discuss the project at hand. That’s when Codie strayed into the Zero Tolerance Zombie (ZTZ) postal code of the Twilight Zone:

‘...According to Codie, the five - four boys and a girl - then began talking in a language she didn't understand, thought to be Urdu, so she went to speak to the teacher.

"I said 'I'm not being funny, but can I change groups because I can't understand them?' But she started shouting and screaming, saying 'It's racist, you're going to get done by the police'."

Codie said she went outside to calm down where another teacher found her and, after speaking to her class teacher, put her in isolation for the rest of the day...’ (Daily Mail)

More than a week later, Codie was hauled off to the local police station where she was finger printed, photographed and temporarily jailed on ‘suspicion of committing a section five racial public order offence’. When Codie’s mother went postal over this asinine Zero Tolerance Zombie bovine excrement, school officials, belatedly, decided to "investigate" the incident to see what, if any, crime Codie perpetrated. Are we the only ones who think that this investigation should have preceded Codie arrest? We doubt it.

We’re reassured, a tad, by this stellar prose from Robert Whelan, deputy director of a Brit think tank:

"It's obviously common sense that pupils who don't speak English cause problems for other pupils and for teachers. I'm sure this sort of thing happens all the time, but it's a sad reflection on the school if they can't deal with it without involving the police. A lot of these arrests don't result in prosecutions - they aim is to frighten us into self-censorship until we watch everything we say." (Daily Mail)

They put her with a group of students whose command of English is, at best, limited then bust her as a racist when she complains that she can’t speak their language? Only a Zero Tolerance Zombie on crack would think that’s a spiffy idea. Welcome to Korrectnik Hell, Codie.

An American ZTZ Adventure
Taylor Thomas did a header into Zero Tolerance Zombie hell when she took a double fish tail comb to Wilber Wright Middle School. When the schools flaming ZTZ idiots spotted the comb, they charged Taylor with bring a banned item to school and suspended her for 5 days. Setting aside the asinine fact that any kind of comb would be banned from school, we focus instead on the salient fact that the school’s code of conduct book does not explicitly ban a double fish tail comb.

Despite the fact that the aforementioned "unsafe at any speed" hair wrangling device isn’t named explicitly, school officials refuse to cut Taylor any slack:

‘...school officials said the principal made known what kinds of combs were not acceptable. And he said although the rattail comb is specifically mentioned in the conduct book, the double fish tail comb, as well as others, can technically fall under other language listed in the book...’ (WHIO TV)

In other words, Taylor, the rules are whatever these ZTZ pinheads say they are and it’s your fault if you can’t read their minds. Unhappily, Taylor’s permanent school record will note that she was suspended for bringing what these ZTZ pinheads think is a "dangerous weapon" to school. Add the name Taylor Thomas to the roster of Zero Tolerance Zombie zealotry’s victims.

The Mexas Museum Melee
Source: PIG’s Golden Oinks [10/06/06]

Sydney McGee, an art teacher from Wilma Fisher Elementary School in Frisco (Mexas), did a header into the Decency Dimwit Jihad when she took 89 students on a trip to the Dallas Museum of Art. After 28 years in the classroom, Sydney is out of a job - and banned from other Mexas schools, no doubt - because some 5th grader whined to a decency demented parent that there were - GASP - nude statues and other nude art at the art museum. Despite the fact that 4 other teachers and 12 parents were on the field trip to the art museum, the full force of TFV intolerance came down on Sydney when a parent complained about the fact that their tyke saw some artistic nudity.

School principal Nancy Lawson mutters darkly about other issues that led to Sydney’s firing, but the bread crumb trail keeps leading back to that museum trip:

‘...In [a] May 18 memorandum to Ms. McGee, Ms. Lawson faulted her for not displaying enough student art and for “wearing flip-flops” to work; Ms. McGee said she was wearing Via Spiga brand sandals. In citing the students’ exposure to nude art, Ms. Lawson also said “time was not used wisely for learning during the trip,” adding that parents and teachers had complained and that Ms. McGee should have toured the route by herself first. But Ms. McGee said she did exactly that.

In the latest of several statements, the district contended that the trip had been poorly planned. But Mr. Gibbs, the district’s lawyer, acknowledged that Ms. Lawson had approved it. “This is not about a field trip to a museum,” the principal and superintendent told parents in their e-mail message Wednesday, citing “performance concerns” and other criticisms of Ms. McGee’s work, which she disputes...’ (NY Times)

Normally, we’d lay into these Decency Jihadikazes at this point, but we don’t need to because a PIGster named Randy Welker already took these Educrat asshats to task with this well-written prose:

Congratulations on stepping back in time! The actions taken against Sydney McGee are reminiscent of the Victorian era when masterpieces were disfigured with fig leaves and table legs were hidden least they be to suggestive of a human limb. Some of the staff photos on your website almost show some cleavage, this deeply offends some people! Those women should be in burkas!

The human body is beautiful, and yet a group of fusty old men and women would censure it while allowing the children to be exposed to graphic violence and bloodshed on a daily basis! Your priorities are 180 degrees out of true.

The so-called schools art website is down, has it been censured too? What message are you sending the children? "No Billy, don't look at yourself! That is a dirty and shameful place and you should be ashamed for having it!"

This field trip was fully approved by the principle and the parents. Did you think there would not be nudes in a museum?

Thank You,
Randy Welker

PIG thanks Randy for bitch-slapping these asshats so expertly.

Stupidity on Steroids - Brit Division
Source: This Is London [10/01/06]

If Suzanne Foster isn’t the dumbest Educrat bitch in the U.K. she’s damn sure in the top ten. We know this for a fact because of her recent antics as headmistress of Hillsdale School in Baddeley Grean, Stoke-on-Trent. When it came time for a mixed class of 10 and 11 year olds to change clothes for PE, this insane wench ordered the boys and girls to change clothes in the same room. It was, as you’d expect, very stressful for some of the girls, many of whom were utterly humiliated and in tears.

One furious mother wasn’t the least bit impressed by Suzanne Foster’s claim that a lack of teachers made this move a necessity, for the "health and safety" of the children:

"The regulations are ridiculous. The girls have always changed separately. No one has ever been hurt. [My Daughter] Sam was embarrassed and distressed because the boys kept looking at her and making comments. She is now wearing her first bra and taking sex education lessons. This is a very sensitive time for girls. Don't the teachers realise how difficult it is? Girls were trying to hide under a table so boys could not see them. It is disgusting." (Dawn Bedford)

Dawn’s daughter, Sam, was punished by being suspended for two days after she ran out of the room to change in nearby girls restroom. Once the excrement hit the proverbial cooling device with a rounding, Brit-accented "splat", Suzanne Foster pulled her head out of her butt and miraculously "found" the necessary personnel to allow the boys and girls to change in separate rooms.

SEPTEMBER 2006

Gutless Grinch Steals Holiday Fun
Source: Palm Beach Post [09/29/06]

The joy of the forthcoming holiday season was snuffed out this week, when a gutless Educrat grinch named Bernadette Floyd cancelled a Christmas program at Windmill Point Elementary school in Port St. Luce (Florida). Principal Floyd imposed the ban on this holiday fare because, last year, one parent complained, demanding "strict separation of church and state issues". I get that, but I don’t get what this particular musical program has to do with the price of beans in Port St. Luce.

The holiday fun that Principal Grinch cancelled is called "A Penguin Christmas" and it’s all about Santa Claus, not the Cross Dude. This isn’t the first time this Florida cess-school stomped on holiday fun. According to the Palm Beach Post, last year, at least one teacher ordered a tyke’s mom to cease and desist her plan to bring "Santa cupcakes, candy canes, or other Christmas-themed treats" to a so-called "holiday party".

This pagan scribbler is - as some of you might have guessed - a staunch believer in church-state separation. Be that as it may, I am hard pressed to find anything the least bit "churchy" about Santa cupcakes, candy canes or a class of 5th graders warbling cheerfully off-key such classics as "Here Comes Santa Claus", "Jingle Bells" or "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer". If Bernadette Floyd can’t see the difference, then it’s time for Port St. Luce’s rational adults to fire the bitch.

What’s This Fool’s Damage?
Source: PIG News Wire [09/28/06]

Four eighth grade girls decided to celebrate their friendship by wearing identical outfits to school. The outfits in question weren’t booty baring or otherwise noteworthy except for the fact that they were identical. That simple fact propelled them into a header with a Zero Tolerance Zombie (ZTZ) named Michael Shaffer, the principal of McCulloch Middle School in Marion, Indiana. For reasons that he refuses to discuss, this ZTZ was enraged by this vision of sartorial sameness.

"One of the girls asked him what was the matter with it. Then he started yelling at all everybody and took us to the office and suspended us." (Dacia Small)

The smart money opines that this pinhead mistook this wenchlet fashion statement as a sign that they were gang members. Others aren’t that sure and just think that Principal Shaffer is stark raving nuts. Whatever the case, each of the girls received a five-day suspension. This is crap and everyone knows it, but nobody seems ready to bitch slap Michael Shaffer back to his senses.

Additional Info: This incident could have "legs", since the four wenchlets are all Melanin-Enriched and the principal is an oppressor. It’s important to note that Dacia Small’s mom, Regina Barnett, already flashed her trusty-dusty race card in Principal Pinhead’s face: "I told him I think it’s a racial thing. He said he didn’t appreciate that because he has black friends and this and that." Is Principal Pinhead a racists? Don’t know, but we doubt it. Is Principal Pinhead an utter and complete Moron? You better damn believe it, fashion critic Sparky.

Zero Tolerance Zombies
Source: PIG News Wire [09/20/06]

A first-grade lad named Tawann Caskey did a header into Zero Tolerance this week when the pinheads running Milton Moore Elementary School (Kansas City, Mo.) gave him a 10-day suspension for class IV weapons infraction. In Tawann’s case, the Class IV infraction involved bring a weapon to school that simulates a real weapon. In this government cess-school, a Class IV offense is the most serious offense of them all:

"We ask our principals for safety of students and staff, and we do follow the code of conduct and do not give exceptions to Class IV offenses. We take it very seriously." (This incoherent drivel was spouted by a school district spokedolt named Phyllis Budesheim.)

And what, you ask, is Tawann's crime? He brought a two-inch toy squirt gun to school. It's two inches long and it's burnt orange and you think it looks like a real gun? I don't think so, Educrat Sparky. We tend to side with Tawann's mother who said:

"I think this could have been resolved in a different way. It's wrong to bring to school, but come on he's 6 years old. This would not hurt a soul."

Look at this image and tell me how any rational adult could say that this damn thing "simulates" a real weapon. Squirt Gun Image

UPDATE: With half the world using them for target practice, the school district beat a hasty retreat and dumped Tawann's suspension like a bad habit. They will also erase the Class IV offense from his public record.

Heroic Food Delivery
Source: PIG News Wire [09/16/06]

Two Brit mums are taking heroic steps to counteract the Food Nazi nonsense that afflicting a South Yorkshire school, Rawmarsh Comprehensive. It was bad enough when the school replaced perennial favorites like "Turkey Twizlers chips and other fatty food" with bland alleged food that's not fit for human consumption. But, when school officials banned the kids from leaving school grounds at lunchtime to get some kid-friendly food at the local fast food purveyors, Julie Critchlow and Sam Walker started making food runs for the kids, bringing back fish and chips, plus pies and burgers.

Julie explains her actions with these well-chosen words: "Kids need a bit of fat in their diet - there is nothing wrong with burgers and chips. At school they only get chips once a week, if they are lucky. The school have objected to what we are doing and they have threatened to call the police. But we will carry on - the kids just won't eat the food they are given at school."

PIGish Kudos go out to Julie and Sam for taking on these Food Nazis in their own backyard.

Zero Tolerance in Escondido
Source: UPI [09/16/06]

It's called Jersey Night and it's the an annual San Pasqual High School event during which the school's athletes are honored and the members of the various teams introduced. We're guessing that, as the name implies, the athletes arrive wearing their uniform jerseys but what about the dudes on the school's water polo team? This year, 13 members of the 20 man team arrived at the event wearing only their Speedo-style swimsuits.

The crowd cheered the lads for their choice of attire, but the stunt wasn't as well received by the school's administrators. Instead of rewarding the lads for their sartorial splendor, school officials suspended them from the teams first preseason meet. In addition, the lads were force to 'sign behavior contracts which stated that any more infractions would prevent them from participating in graduation activities'.

Zero Tolerance is alive and well in Escondido, Mexifornia.

Zero Tolerance Strikes Again
Source: AP [09/14/06]

Quinn Lucifer is, as far as zero tolerance is concerned, ahead of the curve. The 5 year old thrilled the Educrats running Jerstad-Agerholm Elementary School on Monday when he set off a noise-making "firework toy" called a popper. That, we’re told by Racine Unified’s superintendent, Cecilia Holley-Young, qualifies the kindergarten lad for a 4-day suspension for bringing "an explosive device" to school. Welcome to the wonderful world of Zero Tolerance twerps, Quinn.

Now that we’ve got our first Zero Tolerance story under our belts, PIG News is prepared to declare that the school year is officially locked and loaded. Let the games begin, as long as these games don’t include tag, dodgeball or anything else that might be construed as "fun".

Clothes Make The, Uh, Man?
Source: AP [09/07/06]

The egregiously over-used - I plead guilty, but unrepentant - "panties in a wad" phrase takes on a whole new meaning in this touching, Educrap epic from Batavia (New York). Borrowing a notion straight from PIG’s "Back To School Survival Kit" a certain male teacher arrived for the new school year at Batavia High School wearing...a dress. Heshe is a transsexual who has graduated to that phase of hisher transition that requires himher to wear female clothes and conduct hisher life as a female. As thrilling as that sounds, in some settings, it’s big fun on steroids in a government cess-school.

At least 5 parents who asked to have their kids removed from hisher class where turned down by the school superintendent. The reason cited was the usual bureaucratic doubletalk - they didn’t meet the school’s non-negotiable criteria set forth in the district’s guidelines. Making this matter terminally spiffy, the school is forced to walk a tightrope, thanks to state and federal Nanny State edicts that pin a "disabled" label on properly diagnosed transsexuals. Under these edicts, the heshe teacher is protected from discrimination and ‘must be reasonably accommodated by an employer’.

True Confession: I tried to picture each of my male high school teachers in a frilly frock and it was a very disturbing experience. You’ll need to cut me some slack while I take a break and grab a cold one.

AUGUST 2006

The Great Burrito Lockdown Caper
Source: PIG News Wire [08/31/06]

Normally, a story about Educrats going bonkers over food in a school is rarely PIG-worthy. In this case, the bovine excrement hit the proverbial cooling device with a resounding splat when some alert observer reported a boy carrying something long and ominous looking wrapped in a suspicious package. In a heartbeat, events careened out of control at Clovis’s (New Mexico) Marshall Junior High. The cops - Clovis police & the Curry County Sheriff’s Department - arrived to sweep the school for something life threatening, while at least 30 parents worried themselves sick over the fate of their government cess-schooled tykes.

Eventually, the school-wide lockdown ended with a whimper and no smoking gun - or anything else - at which point 75 parents yanked little Bruno and Moonbeam out of school. That’s when an 8th grader named Michael Morrissey approached school principal Diana Russell and gave her the thrilling news. The dangerous item someone had spotted was, Michael finally deduced a 30 inch burrito filled with steak, guacamole, lettuce, salsa and jalapenos which he brought to school for a class project. He’d created a product for a restaurant that he envisioned. It's a restaurant business that specialized in extra large burritos. Aside from giving everyone a good, badly needed, laugh, Michael emerged from the event unscathed. He does, however, have a new nickname that will never go away: Burrito Boy.

Diversity Bonkers At Cal Berkeley
Source: San Francisco Chronicle [08/24/06]

Cal Berkeley is, by any reasonable measure the most politically correct Ivory Tower in the known universe. This contention is bolstered by the fact that Cal is located in the most politically correct city in the known universe, Berkeley (Mexifornia). As heady as it must be to lead this pinnacle of Korrectness, Cal’s Chancellor, Robert Birgeneau, thinks that perfection can stand some improvement. To that end, he just announced a nationwide job search for a Diversity Czar whose job will entail "developing a more diverse faculty and staff and a more open social climate throughout campus" (Chronicle).

We hear your groans and you’re right. Chancellor Bobby didn’t call it "Diversity Czar", he did call it something almost as spiffy: "Vice Chancellor for Equity and Inclusion". Here are some pertinent Chancellor Bobby quotes:

"I'm a strong believer that every single person feels this is a place where they belong and they're fully respected for their individuality, for what they represent, for their background and for their values. They're not required to homogenize and assimilate into one set of identical people."

"We should have to understand multiethnic and multicultural societies in the same way that as a physicist I want to understand the fundamental physical laws that govern our universe."

In addition to making sure all those essential "ethnic" beans get counted, the new Diversity Czar would also need to count those equally vital "sexual orientation" and "physical capacity" beans as well. And here you were worrying needlessly.

PIG News wants to thank Chancellor Bobby, in advance, for all the spiffy grist for PIG’s news mill this new Diversity Czar will send our way. Maybe we should send him Hambo’s resume, because, when it comes to spouting off about diversity, nobody does it like our clinically-bonkers editor.

Catch-22 In Pasco County Schools
Source: St. Petersburg Times [08/12/06]

Pasco County school officials decided that a colorful mural by Xavier Cortada would make a perfect image for the cover of the school district's 2006-07 Student Planner. The image in question, "Music", shows five teens who, among other things have headphone wires dangling out of their ears. It is, Pasco County Educrats opined, a classically teenage scene. There's just one pesky little issue arising from this spiffy imagery:

'...Those wires and the MP3 players they're attached to aren't allowed in Pasco County schools. That's according to Page 9 of the very same planner, which states: Students are not to bring electronic devices to school. These include radios, CD players, MP3 players, hand-held games, beepers, cassette tape players, etc...' (Times)

Students who emulate the activity on the Student Planner cover will have their electronic "toy" confiscated. The only way they can get them back involves mom and/or dad going to the school and picking up the impounded items. Holy false advertising, Batman!

Egghead Panty Twister
Source: Kansas City Star [08/08/06]

The University of Missouri just announced its intention to impose the same background checks on the professorial Eggheads it hires as it does on all it's non-classroom employees. You don't need a quatrain from Nostradamus to predict that the whiners at the American Association of University Professors will go postal the way they did in 2004. At that time, they vilified such background checks, spouting drivel about its impact on "academic freedom" and whining about "the moral cost of adopting a general [background check] policy...in order to identify the rare special case". Yeah right, dudes.

The rational adult view of this comes from Frank Schmidt, a biochemistry professor who is helping develop the new standards:

"There's a very strong academic freedom and free speech issue here. We want to avoid any kind of political interference. But at the same time, we have a duty to protect our students."

The case that stirred up this background check hornets' nest occurred in Shippensburg University (Pennsylvania). A public relations professor who had taught at the Ivory Tower for 16 years quit abruptly after campus cops searched his computer for kiddie porn. Further checks in the prof's past revealed that he spent 6 months in a graybar hotel after his guilty plea on an indecent assault charge involving a 13-year-old lad.

The sound you're about to hear will be coming from University of Missouri Eggheads when the relevant officials salute this new background check policy. Welcome to the real world, Egghead whiners.

Mexifornia Educrats Endless Greed
Source: Contra Costa Times [08/08/06]

The Educrats running a Mexifornia school district can't take "no" for an answer so they're taking a third bite at the tax increase apple in the forthcoming November election. In June 2005 a $70-per year "parcel tax" increase didn't garner the requisite 66% required to plunder property owners for more fetid Educrap. In June 2006 the Educrats running John Swett Unified School District tried again and came damn close to getting the job done. In the June 2006, election, 64% of the voters favored nailing property owners for a $72-per year parcel tax, but 64% isn't enough to get the job done so it's back to the drawing board.

Encouraged by the last election results, district officials plan to put a new parcel tax on the ballot. This one would nail residential and commercial property owners for $52, but hammer heavy industrial property owners for $170-per acre. This new bite at the tax increase apple has another sneaky feature. Instead of containing a "sunset clause" like the prior tax increase measures, this one is "open ended". Also, unlike the first two tax increase measures, this one doesn't exempt seasoned citizens.

There's one spiffy little fact buried in this fishwrap prose that puts this whole story in perspective. After boldly citing the district's need for additional revenue to "recruit promising new teacher and retain proven veterans", the Contra Costa Times' scribbler blurts out this inconvenient reality:

'...Enrollment last year was 1,821 as of October; it declined later in the school year and is expected to do so again this year..'

In other words, the school is losing that all important headcount money from the state and feds and needs to replace it. The reasoning behind this tax increase is quite simple: get people who don't own property to finance the schools their tykes attend on the backs of the district's property owners. Bold new concept.

JULY 2006

Food Nazi Hell
Source: St. Petersburg Times [07/29/06]

Pinellas County's cess-schools have a rude shock for the inmates who enroll this year. The Food Nazi's are determined to make the dreaded cafeteria a fun food free zone. Hyperbole? Hardly, but don't take our word for it. Here are the spiffy Food Nazi facts as reported by the St. Petersburg Times:

Elementary guidelines
* Elementary schools will not use deep-fat frying for on-site food preparation.
* The only beverages served will be milk, zero-calorie flavored water, unflavored water, and 100 percent juice and/or vegetable juice.
* Students will be allowed one nutritious snack per day under a teacher’s supervision. Examples are Goldfish crackers, pretzels and popcorn.

Middle school guidelines
* Middle schools will not use deep-fat frying to prepare foods other than french fries on-site.
* French fries and other fried potato products must not exceed 4.5 ounces per serving, and students may purchase only one serving at a time.
* Schools will eliminate french fries and other fried a la carte potato products by the year 2009-10. During the 2006-07 school year, fries will be offered a la carte no more than three times a week.
* Schools that serve potato chips will use baked varieties only.
* Schools will not serve candy bars or any packaged candies.

High school guidelines
* Schools should eliminate frying to prepare foods on-site, except for french fries that are served a la carte.
* French fries and other fried potato products must not exceed 4.5 ounces per serving, and students may purchase only one serving at a time.
* Schools that serve potato chips will use baked varieties only.

Obviously, these Florida Educrats have way too much time on their hands. It would be nice if, for a change, they put some quality damn time into teaching their captive audience such mundane topics as reading, writing and math. It would spiffy in the extreme if they stopped dithering with this Food Nazi crap and trained the young minds in their clutches in such irrelevant (their view) skills as critical thinking. I know, I know, I'm getting delusional again. I guess it's time to increase the voltage on my shock treatments. (BZZZZT! I'm feeling much better already.)

Another Brainless Educrap Adventure
Source: PIG News Wire [07/17/06]

The drama started last month when the nitwits running Henry M. Jackson High School in Everett (Washington) black flagged a musical group's decision to play an instrumental version of "Ave Maria". Alarmed that, some-damn-how, playing an instrumental version of this venerable number would inject "religion" into the graduation ceremony, the meatheads running Everett School District ordered the student musicians to find another number to play.

This week, Everett schools chief, Carol Whitehead was far from giddy when one of the student musicians, 18-year-old Kathryn Nurre, lawyered up and sued the school district and Ms. Whitehead for infringing her free speech rights under the First Amendment to the U.S. Constitution. Unhappy about being in the bull's-eye again - it's not the first free speech lawsuit aimed at Everett School District - Ms. Whitehead is busy trying to spin the asinine decision, with little success. Thus sayeth this pagan scribbler: An instrumental version of "Ave Maria" is not an overt intrusion of religion into a graduation ceremony.

A Steaming Educrap Load
Source: Independent [07/09/06]

Self-esteem on steroids just made landfall in the U.K. Calling upon the services of a Yank self-esteem guru - University of Pennsylvania Professor Marin Seligman - the Brits are mounting a full court press to fight "a huge rise in depression, self-harm and anti-social behavior". According to the Independent, this feel good Educrap will entail:

'...Lessons using cognitive behavioural therapy techniques will include role play designed to help children build up their self-esteem, challenge negative ways of thinking and express their thoughts clearly. Trials have shown that the techniques can boost class performance and exam results.

They will also be shown special breathing exercises to keep them calm when their parents are arguing and avoid blaming themselves for situations that are beyond their control, for example, the fact their parents may be divorcing...'

Brit tykes still won't be able to read, write or compute, but they're gonna be happy campers because the Nanny State demands it. How serious are these Brit knuckleheads about this self-esteem bovine excrement? Very and we can prove it. A taxpayer funded dolt named Lord Layard has been appointed the Government's "Happiness Tsar".

"Well, Duh" of the Week
Source: Bloomberg [07/05/06]

The Eggheads in a University of California bright bulb cabal called Policy Analysis for California Education came to the stunning conclusion that states are dumbing down their state run assessment tests to meet "No Child Left Behind" requirements. The smoking gun on this assertion - as if we needed one - involves a nationwide scholastic assessment test called the National Assessment of Education Progress (NAEP) test. Here's the down an dirty as presented by Bloomberg:

'...The study led by University of California education professor Bruce Fuller found the states reported that about 68 percent of their fourth-graders were proficient in reading, while the federally funded National Assessment of Educational Progress test put the figure at 31 percent. In math, the states found 65 percent proficient while NAEP found 30 percent. The study covered Arkansas, California, Illinois, Iowa, Kentucky, Massachusetts, Nebraska, New Jersey, North Carolina, Oklahoma, Texas and Washington, chosen for reasons that include their geographical and educational diversity. The figures covered the period from 1992 to 2005. That period begins before No Child Left Behind was enacted, though the gap between state tests and the NAEP assessment has grown wider over time, the researchers said...' (Bloomberg)

A Department of Educrap spokeswench covered W's flank by trying to slay the messenger:

"...[Policy Analysis for California Education has] a track record of putting out flawed and misleading information about No Child Left Behind.'' (Samara Yudoff)

The best line in this piece belongs to a former U.S. Education Department official who helped set up No Child Left Behind in the first place:

"Letting the states measure their own progress in student learning is like letting a soccer team's coach also play referee.'' (Michael Petrilli as quoted by Bloomberg)

Grudgingly, voices in the Bush administration admit that the disparity between NAEP and the state tests requires some attention. It would be nice if some-damn-body, admitted that a one size fits all solution, administered from D.C. just can't work. All they managed to do with No Child Left Behind is create a giant numbers game in which the best numbers manipulators are rewarded with our stolen tax dollars.

Too Smart in Britain
Source: Telegraph (UK) [07/04/06]

Katie Merchant did a header in to Educrap hell when she took her a "mock Latin exam" to practice for the real thing. Despite getting the highest grade possible, she still got marked down because - we're not making this up - her answer to one question was "too sophisticated". In other words, the test administrators marked her down because her answer was way over their heads. When she complained to her teacher, he confirmed her worst fears, explaining that the test administrators are marking papers in subjects that they don't fully comprehend. They expect certain "mechanistic" responses, and get very annoyed when a student strays "outside the box".

Katie is far from thrilled about this "you're too damn smart" crap: "I feel the entire exam structure is geared toward the standardization of each pupil regardless of individual ability and find this most discouraging."

JUNE 2006

Not Your Daddy's "Tag"
Source: Golden Oinks 2006 [06/30/06]

A 14-year-old Bell Middle School inmate - Cole Sharp - landed in Zero Tolerance Zombie hell this week, over a thrilling playground game called "Boob Tag". Boob Tag is a spiffy playground game that involves "choosing who's it by couching a breast" (Scripps Howard News Service). Despite PIG's enthusiasm for boob tag, there are some who find it an intolerable sexual assault on teenage wenchlets.

Our young hero found that out the hard way, when he landed in the zero tolerance doghouse after a wenchlet reported him to school authorities. We're amazed to report that school officials investigated the game and determined that there was no proof of "unlawful sexual contact". According to certain rational adults, the girls in the game - they call themselves "The Bisexuals" - volunteered to play the game. Also, there is considerable doubt that the girl who complained was ever touched by the lad.

Despite the well-documented fact that nobody got hurt, the lad still landed in zero tolerance hell. We know what you're thinking but the school officials aren't the ones who nailed him. It was the Golden (Colorado) cops who went bonkers after a routine report from the school's resource officer hit their "in" basket.

Getting Too Real in Beserkeley?
Source: Berkeley Daily Planet [06/27/06]

This story could only happen in Beserkeley (Mexifornia). Why? We'll begin with the fact that Berkeley High School has its own African-American Studies Department. Furthermore, this properly-hyphenated Educrat cabal perpetrates an annual ain't it grand to be melanin-enriched extravaganza called its "Celebration of Excellence". As fun as this sounds it gets better, because the Chairman of BHS's African-American Studies Department, Rev. Robert McKnight, decided to have his chum, L.A. based Rev. Manual Scott Jr. give the keynote address for this properly-hyphenated feel good festival. So far it's all very spiffy, but there's big fun on the horizon.

The jaws dropped during Rev. Scott's address when he warned the students in the audience about the hazards that lay ahead. After warning them to "watch what you put into your system", he identified some of the temptations that lurked in the real world: drugs, adult beverages, promiscuity, homosexuality, lesbianism and bisexuality. You don't need a text message from Nostradamus to predict that good reverend's Evangelical themed address hit a very sour note with the usual suspects:

"I know some people have those religious beliefs, but it was still shocking to hear." (Berkeley school board Director, Nancy Riddle)

"I do think these graduations are great, but I think there is no place for homophobic comments." (City Councilpunk Darryl Moore)

"I know they may be community events, but anytime there's that kind of hate speech, it's completely unacceptable." (School Board Vice President Joaquin Rivera)

Underwhelmed by the furor, Rev. Scott gave this stop the presses quote to the Berkeley Daily Planet during a phone interview:

"Homosexuality, bisexuality, they are sins according to the word of God. I understand that the climate (in Berkeley) is a climate that values political correctness, but that's not my concern. I'm concerned with biblical correctness"

If Reverend Scott's biblically correct prose is 'hate speech', the Beserkeley pinheads are much more detached from objective reality than I dared to dream. Call us names if you must, but this Berkeley panty twister is amusing, in the extreme, because this festering wound is self-inflicted.

Brit Zero Tolerance Doubleheader
Source: PIG News Wire [06/17/06]

Showing the Colors
It seems safe to assume that officials at Orchids primary school in Wisbech, Cambridgeshire are aware that England is gripped by World Cup fever. Aware or not, the relevant Educrats went into a zero tolerance frenzy when 6 primary school tykes showed up for school wearing their red and white shirts to show their support for England's team. That fast, the tykes were sent back home. This follows a similar incident a day earlier when three more tykes where sent home for showing their true colors. Despite the fact that this institute of alleged learning doesn't have a dress code, school officials, plus their cohorts on the local council, insist that "showing the colors" is "inappropriate" attire. How? I haven't got a clue, and you can bet the proverbial agricultural endeavor that, when pressed, the Educrats can't explain it either.

Chaste and Damn Proud of It
Millais School in Horsham, West Sussex thrilled Cross Cultists everywhere, when school officials went zero tolerance bonkers over some teenage wenchlet jewelry called "purity rings". Spouting drivel about "the rules are the rules, no exceptions", Millais Educrats banned the chastity rings because it violates their "no jewelry" edict. The Cross Cult wenchlets deemed this ban unfair because the "purity ring" is a religious, not a fashion, statement that tells the world about their determination to remain chaste until marriage. For their steadfast refusal to remove their purity rings, the teenage wenchlets were rewarded with detention and forced to be taught in isolation, away from the other students.

The "purity ring" wearers challenge this ban on their purity rings then go on to cite the fact that the same school allows Muslim and Sikh pupils to wear headscarves or kara bracelets as a means of religious expression. Why, they ask, aren't school officials willing to view their purity rings in the same way, as a form of religious expression? We don't know, but allowing a purity ring strikes us as "no harm, no foul".

Zero Tolerance Nails Art Teacher
Source: AP [06/16/06]

By all reports - students, fellow teachers and administrators concur - Tamara Hoover is an exceptional art teacher who has a gift for tapping into her Austin (Mexas) government school students' creativity. If a student has a shred of artistic ability, Tamara Hoover will maximize it. Despite her stellar teaching credentials, Tamara is fighting for her job because she posed for some "artistic", topless photos that can be viewed at the Flicker Internet site. For those frantically trying to link with Flicker, here's what you'll find:

'...[The photos] depict Hoover in the shower, lifting weights, getting dressed, in bed and doing other routine activities...' (AP)

Harmless stuff? Yup, in a rational world but it's "wham, bam, thank you ma'am" porn as far as Austin High School's pinheads are concerned. Spouting drivel about "violating the higher moral standard" expected of a government cess-school teacher, the school district is going after Tamar with a vengeance. In addition to banishing her from the school's classrooms, the district is trying to yank her teaching certificate, a move that would banish her from all Mexas classrooms, until hell freezes over. Overkill? You better damn believe it, but par for the course in the Lone Star State.

Government Cess-School Yearbook Speed-Bumps
Source: PIG News Wire [06/13/06]

Northport (New York)
Northport High School administrators were thrilled beyond words when two high schooll seniors lifted quotes from a certain infamous tome to place under their high school yearbook pictures. In case they ask at the trial, here are the spiffy quotes that put Educrat panties in a wad:

Christoper Loulermos chose this quote: "Strength lies not in defense but attack."

Philip Compton chose "The great masses of people...will more easily fall victims to a big lie than to a small one."

Granted, neither quote rises to the level of certain PIGish prose, but neither is, in and of it self, worth the fuss, until you consider the source. In this case, the name of the infamous tome is "Mein Kampf" and the individual cited is Adolph Hitler. School officials admit that there's no rule that mandates an official review of the quotes inmates choose, but they decided to apologize to parents anyway, just in case. At present, there aren't any plans to punish the two lads.

Phillipsburg (New Jersey)
If you're perusing your 2006 Phillipsburg High School yearbook and notice that page 224 is missing, don't panic, the Educrats expunged the page because a photo was deemed uncool for their school. And what, you ask was on this page that put Educrat panties in a wad? Not as much as you hope, horndog Sparky:

'...The picture on page 224 showed a female student wearing a skirt and sitting on a desk during a play; a bit of her underwear could be seen. "The picture was questionable,'' said school superintendent H. Gordon Pethick. "It's the best way I can describe it.'' Pethick said a relative of the student asked for the picture to be removed, so officials took it out of hundreds of copies of the yearbook...' (1010 WINS)

"I see London. I see France. I see the page 224 hottie's underpants"? Not anymore, sporty and that's a damn shame too, because this year's Phillipsburg High School yearbook had distinctly PIGish best seller qualifications. Life is so goddamn unfair that way. Bummer, and you can quote me.

Class Cutting 101
Source: Buffalo News [06/09/06]

Buffalo's government schools are, as the Tome says, reaping what they have sowed when the city's government schools changed the rules of grading engagement for the 2005-2006 cess-school year. In bygone days, the school's final exams could count for as much as 25% of the student's grade. Deeming that system uncool for school, Buffalo's Educrats devised a new system. Under this year's scheme, the student's final grade is the average of the grades achieved during the school year's four marking periods. What, you ask, is wrong with that? Nothing, and everything.

The most vital fact you need to know is this gem: the lowest grade permitted during a given marking period is 50. This means you can skip the whole term and still get a 50. The next essential fact is what constitutes a passing grade. In Buffalo's government schools that's 65. Now, for the fun facts. Students have done the math and learned that if they attend the first two terms and pull in at least 80 in each term, they can skip the entire second half of the year and still pass with a 65 (80 + 80 + 50 + 50 = 260; 260/4 = 65). Does this mean that students are skipping class in droves? You better believe it, 'self-inflicted educrap wound' Sparky. When assessed for the term ending March 31, 12 of the 13 Buffalo schools had lower attendance than they did during the same term last year.

Buffalo's school board is "discussing it", but don't hold your breath waiting for anything rational to come of it. File this under, "why Johnny is never going to learn to read in Buffalo", in your government cess-school news archives.

The School Sabbatical Scam
Source: NY Daily News [06/07/06]

If you're in Brooklyn and keep hearing a loud, clanging sound, don't be alarmed, it's coming from Thomas Everett's big brass nads. This brass nads adventure started when Mr. Everett asked for an unpaid 60 to 90 day leave from his teaching job at Sheepshead Bay High School. His need for the brief sabbatical arose from Mr. Everett's "problems with the state of New Jersey Judicial System." His request for a leave of absence continued with this tidbit: "I must fulfill an obligation to the state. Upon completion of this obligation, I will return to work." What Mr. Everett didn't find noteworthy is the fact that his "obligation to the state of New Jersey Judicial System" involved "go to jail, directly to jail". Big, big fun.

Thomas Everett has, we're pleased to report, been fired and banned from working in the teaching profession, now that the school is up to speed on Brass Nad Tommy's antics in The Garden State:

'...Everett, of West Caldwell, N.J., was working as an attorney when prosecutors say he illegally helped himself to his elderly clients' assets before and after their deaths. Following a probe, Everett consented to disbarment in 2002, prosecutors said. He claimed he disclosed his legal problems when he applied for the city teaching job, but was told that only arrests and convictions needed to be reported. He never told school officials when he was arrested in May 2005 and convicted last fall after pleading guilty to theft and other charges, authorities said...' (Daily News)

He started fulfilling his obligation in January when he began serving a 3 year prison sentence. In May, he was given "supervised home release". Believe it or not, he didn't greet the New York Daily News reporters who visited his home with opened arms. After a spell in the graybar, you'd think he'd be delighted to talk to anybody who isn't named "Bubba".

Adventures in Zero Tolerance
Source: PIG News Wire [06/06/06]

Chicago (Illinois)
Proving that Zero Tolerance Zombies will dog you until you, literally, in this case, graduate, the pinheads at Thornton Fractional North High School made graduation doubly thrilling for Maquisha Cosey. Our heroine's header into zero tolerance started when she arrived at the school mere minutes after the "we lock the doors at 6 p.m." deadline and a full hour after graduates where supposed to be in their places. The minion at the door ignored pleas and wails from Maquisha by steadfastly refusing to allow her to enter. Assistant school principal Ray Williams told Maquisha and her parents that they must go to the overflow room where all the late arrivals would be seated. Bummer, but the adventure was just getting started.

Eventually, a kind hearted parent spotted Maquisha outside in her cap and gown then let our heroine in through a side door. Relieved, Maquish took her place with her class, but the drama was far from over. When the zero tolerance zombies spotted Maquisha in the auditorium, they dispatched the dean of discipline, David Shrader, to tell her that the matter was not over and he was right. After the graduation ceremonies concluded, Maquisha was arrested on charges of criminal trespass and disorderly conduct then carted off to the "welcome new graduates" suite of the local graybar.

Warren (Mexas)
Zero Tolerance Zombie's derailed Michelle Madina's glorious graduation night mere seconds before she got to the stage. Her header into zero tolerance hell started when the excitement of the event overwhelmed her and she violated Warren High School's rules of graduation night engagement. We know what you're thinking Sparky and please get your mind out of the gutter. No, Michelle did not flash her teenage wench stuff at the audience. Her "you're outta here, darlin" crime was limited to a forbidden demonstration of joy that involved waving at the audience and pumping her fists in the air. That fast, she was pulled from the line and forced to leave the graduation ceremony in the Alamodome.

'...According to Northside ISD policy, students must keep their hands by their side at all times and not bring them above waist level until they receive their diploma. The school district handbook also states that "students who raise their hands above their waists for any reasons other than receiving the diplomas or shaking hands may be removed from the graduation ceremony."...' (Yahoo News)

The school assures Michelle that she will get her diploma, but not until they're good and ready to hand it over. These Lone Star State Zero Tolerance Zombies need to have their nads buzzed with a cattle prod for a couple, decades, until they understand that graduation night is full of excitement for those students who made the cut. Don't make us come down there, "graduates must act like mind numbed robots" Sparky.

Educrap News Briefs
Source: PIG News Wire [06/01/06]

Hartford (Connecticut)
We don't need a full body scan or a doctor's license to tell us that a Hartford (Connecticut) educrat named Matthew Glasser has a pair of clanging, brass, Jupiter-size nads. His adventure started when, as a music teacher at Northwest Catholic High School, he got busted for getting horizontal and squishy with a certain irresistible (to Matthew) 16 year old teenage hottie. That fast, the school dumped him like a bad habit after which the proper authorities painted a justice system bull's-eye on our horndog hero. As fun as this sounds it gets better.

This week, the fun kicked into high gear when Matthew arrived in Superior Court to answer charges that he violated a state law that makes it a crime for a teacher to have sex with a student, even if the student in question is above the states age of consent. Since his teenage squeeze had reach the ripe old age of 16 - making her street legal, consent-wise - Matthew challenged the law, claiming that it's a state infringement on his right to privacy. In other words, since she is, legally speaking, old enough to say yes, it's none of the state's business what consenting "adults" do in the privacy of their bedrooms. The state counters with the quite reasonable contention that the teacher in a teacher-student relationship is in a position of power, making the student's "consent" questionable.

Is Matthew boldly going where no teacher should be allowed to go? You better believe it, big, clanging brass nads Sparky.

Naples (Florida)
The pinheads running Lely Elementary in Naples (Florida) went zero tolerance bonkers this week when a 6 year old special education inmate kicked a teacher's aide in the ankle. In a heartbeat, the pinheads marshaled their forces and had the little girl arrested and carted off the juvenile hall on a felony charge of "battery on a public employee". She stayed in the kiddie suite of the graybar hotel for several hours until her mother came to liberate her. Felony battery? By a 6 year old? Holy overkill, Batman!

MAY 2006

A Zero Tolerance Daily Double
Source: PIG News Wire [05/23/06]

Libertyville (Illinois)
Under a new edict perpetrated by the dweebs running Libertyville (Illinois) Community High School District 128, students will be black-flagged from certain school functions if the Educrats don't like what the student posts on their blog or social-networking site. If the school decides that the student's postings give 'evidence of "illegal or inappropriate" behavior' (AP) they will be subjected to disciplinary action. At minimum, the punishment would black flag the student in question from participating in extracurricular activities.

It's more than a little ironic that these free speech hating Zero Tolerance Zombies live in a town called "Libertyville". It's disgusting that these Educrats dare to take their asinine antics where they damn sure don't belong in their mindless zeal to impose "order". We are, as you'd expect, profoundly unamused.

Lower Burrell (Pennsylvania)
An inmate in the Lower Burrell government school system did a header into Zero Tolerance hell by bringing Jolt chewing gum to school and sharing it with a classmate. If you're unaware of Jolt gum, be advised that it packs a slight "kick" due to a dose of caffeine. That fun fact puts Jolt squarely in the Zero Tolerance Zombie bull's-eye since caffeine is a stimulant which makes it a no-no under the cess-school's "drug awareness policy". Holy overkill, Batman!

The student in question will have ample time to ponder the "what the hell are they smoking" question during a three day suspension.

Educrap News Briefs
Source: PIG News Wire [05/18/06]

Happy Crack
Some enterprising young capitalists did a header into Zero Tolerance when they mixed up a tasty concoction they named "Happy Crack". We know what you're thinking - the Educrats running Shenandoah Elementary School had the same impulse - but this has nothing to do with drugs. In fact "Happy Crack" is nothing more ominous than sugar crystals mixed with Kool-Aid crystals and sold in small plastic bags. Did enrichment follow, sending these aspiring candy tycoons down the path to junk food wrangling fame and glory? Not exactly.

Faster than you can say "drug bonkers" the young capitalists were suspended by school officials for "imitating drug activity". When the relevant rational adults kicked up a fuss, the Zero Tolerance Zombies scurried for cover. But, we're pleased to report that at least one member of the Penn Hills School District's school board is on the record as saying that the young capitalists didn't do anything wrong. She saw the mixture and decided that it looked like the stuff inside Pixy Stix candy. How the hell did a rational adult get on a school board? Enquiring minds want to know.

Smuggling Crackdown
The Educrats running Chandler Basha High School are determined to crack down on the miscreants who insist on bringing banned substances to school. We know what you're thinking, Sparky, and you're wrong. The banned substances in question have nothing to do with mind altering substances. The dastardly rule breakers were busted for bringing bottles of ketchup to school. That's right, ketchup.

Ketchup became a "controlled substance" when school officials got fed up with students who think it's big time fun to stomp on ketchup packets. Under the new rules, students are allowed a maximum of three ketchup packets per burger. If that quantity proves insufficient, additional ketchup packets can be purchased for 25 cents, each. Unwilling to endure this highway robbery, students are fighting back by bringing the aforementioned ketchup bottles. Additionally, certain student capitalists are selling ketchup packets below "market value" by charging 25 cents for three additional packets.

Instead of touting student ingenuity, school officials blither about bottles of ketchup being a "health code violation" and a source of an even bigger mess. File this epic under "sanity surrenders at Chandler Basha High" in your Educrap News archives.

Amazing Educrap Adventures
Source: AP [05/12/06]

Raleigh (North Carolina)
Ryan Biggar did a header into Zero Tolerance Zombie hell when his girlfriend's mother returned home early and caught our horny 16 year old hero getting horizontal and squishy with her 17 year old daughter. And how, you ask, is this garden variety hormonal adventure any of the school's business? As usual, we're all over it:

'...Biggar and his girlfriend were in a program in which high school students teach physical education at elementary schools. The students they taught were on a field trip that day, leaving them with 90 free minutes, the suit says. The pair left campus and went to the girl's house where they were discovered by her mother who returned home unexpectedly, according to the suit. The mother then called her husband, who came home and called police. Police drove Biggar back to school and handed him over to school officials, who suspended him for 10 days...' (AP)

For those keeping score, Ryan's Zero Tolerance infraction is as follows: "Behavior which is indecent, overly affectionate or of a sexual nature in the school setting". Ryan's gotcha, and it seems like a valid one, involves signing a form on which indicated "the conditions under which a student could be off campus during the lunch hour, and made it clear that school rules applied while the student was off campus". The 10 day suspension from school is the least of Ryan's worries. Getting within hailing distance of his main squeeze without her dad kicking his butt is the real threat to Ryan's health.

Portland (Oregon)
In Portland (Oregon), the Educrats running the government cess-school's are systematically eradicating the "play" from the playground. These Educrat nannies banned swing sets, merry go rounds, tube slides, track rides, arch climbers, and teeter totters after some alleged "safety experts" black-flagged them as tyke uncool. Some tyke might get a boo-boo and that means lawsuits, so it's necessary to make them lawsuit-proof. In hanging chad central - Broward County Florida - they've gone a step farther and outlawed running. Other forms of play that are banned include dodge ball, tether ball, and even tag. Aren't these the same Educrat cretins who keep whining about how fat kids are getting?

Eradicating the "play" from the playground isn't enough for these Educrat worrywarts. They won't stop until they've removed all the fun from childhood. We are, as expected, so profoundly unamused it can't be quantified.

Gwinnett County (Georgia)
The Peach State woman who tried to get "Harry Potter" yanked from Gwinnett County schools ["Educrap News Roundup", 04/15/06] got her final answer from the county school board this week. In a unanimous vote, the school board rejected the woman's pleas, a result that, quite frankly, comes as a pleasant surprise.

The pious Peach State woman, Laura Mallory insists:

"I knew what they were going to do, but it's good we live in a country where you can stand up for what you believe in. God is alive and real and he says it (witchcraft) is an abomination. How can we say it is good reading material?"

School Board member, Carole Boyce counters:

"At the very heart of this issue is censorship. Our students do understand the difference between fact and fiction."

PIG News has the nads to ask the essential question: How did rational adults wind up on the Gwinnett County school board? It's "go figure" time in the PIG newsroom.

Sacramento (Mexifornia)
A Mexifornia judge just ruled that - in essence - it's unfair for state educrats to require that high school seniors demonstrate some minimal competency in certain core subjects before they can get a high school diploma. Granted, the judge wrapped this bovine excrement in a load of bovine excrement about unequal allocation of resources but that doesn't pass the smell test. The six remaining whiners in the lawsuit are Colonistas who failed the English portion of the test because they can't - won't is probably more accurate - learn ENGLISH. The state's lawyers cited these fun facts, for all the good it did them: "[The whiners' shysters] have not offered any evidence that would support that the reason why they have not yet passed the (California High School Exit Exam) is because of some failure by the state. To the contrary, the reason why these students have not yet passed the CAHSEE is due to their lack of English skills, as established by their own admissions."

Where does this lead, and how do we resolve it? PIG has been there, done that on the home page of its Educrap section. Scroll down to "A No Bullshit Solution For Amerika's Educrap Debacle". It's never a good thing when the Nanny State lives down to our darkest fears. We are so unamused it can't be quantified.

Smithtown (New York)
"My eyes were filled with tears and I was, like, so happy. I said 'hi' and I gave him a hug and stuff. It's pretty awesome." (Holly Hayban, describes her first meeting with her pen pal, Sgt. Travis Collier.)

Some St. Patrick's School third graders got a very special visitor this week, when their pen pal, Sgt. Travis Collier, returned from from Iraq on a two week leave and made a special trip to Smithtown to think his young pen pals for their letters. The tykes, as you'd expect, were thrilled, and so, it seems was Sgt. Collier.

'...Collier walked in, sharply dressed in his Army uniform, ready for any drill sergeant's inspection. "You guys get all my letters?" he asked.
"Yes," they answered.
"All my soldiers in Iraq loved all the candy, all the socks, all the stuff you guys gave. It was real nice." Then he presented the class with a red-white-and-blue banner, headlined "Operation Iraqi Freedom 2005-2006. St. Patrick School." Below it were the names of all 26 children in the class...' (AP)

The story begins last December when one member of Mrs. Perri's third grade class, Holly Hayban, expressed a desire to correspond with a soldier in Iraq. Her mother suggested a co-workers son, Travis, who is currently serving in Iraq. Armed with Travis's address, Holly began sending him letters, then sharing his replies with her classmates. From there, Travis became pet project of the whole class, and, to his credit, Sgt. Collier took the time from his duties to respond to each of the student's letters. Those letters, filled with questions about his favorite color (red), or the name of his pet (a mutt named Rufus) provided Travis with a welcome link to the world he left behind. Utterly devoid of politics, or questions about the war, the letters were such a delight that, the moment he got home in San Diego, Travis hopped on a plane to visit his young friends in Smithtown.

PIG salutes Sgt. Collier for his service to his country and his dedication to his young friends in Smithtown. Make no mistake, Sgt. Collier has "the right stuff".

Geographically-Challenged
Source: Independent [05/03/06]

The News Nitwits have everyone expressing shock and dismay over the results of a recent survey carried out by the National Geographic Society. According to this survey, 6 out of 10 Americans between 18 and 24 can't find Iraq on a map. Given what passes for government schooling in America, why is this shocking? The big shock here is that, despite Educrats best efforts, 4 in 10 could find Iraq on a map. PIG demands Senate hearings, stat!

A Reality Check in The Bay State
Source: Boston Globe [05/01/06]

Some Wellesley College wenches got a reality check when they took some of their campus antics onto the streets of Wellesley. Armed with chalk, and having too much time on their hands, the wenches spent the evening scribbling peace signs and quotes from Ghandi on the city's sidewalks. Satisfied that they'd served up enough enlightenment for one evening, they returned to their Ivory Tower digs, but the fun was just getting started.

A citizen followed them back to campus, wrote down their license number then notified the police about their antics. Faster than you can chant "no blood for oil", a Wellesley P.D. detective had one chalk wrangler - Hadley Smith - on the phone, telling her to haul butt to the scene of the crime, or else. When Hadley arrived, the cops told Hadley and her pals that they had two options, neither of which was open for discussion: clean the scribbles off the sidewalk, or get arrested. When Hadley tried to discuss it - she claims she needed more information on the charges - the cops black flagged her prose and hauled her peace wench butt to the slammer.

As a result of this incident, the Eggheads at Wellesley are holding meetings to discuss it. Among other things they might want to mention that scribbling on the sidewalks, on campus is okey dokey, but the same action on the streets of Wellesley is a crime called "defacement and tagging public property". Welcome to the real world, Hadley.

APRIL 2006

Zero Tolerance Strikes Again
Source: Greenville News (South Carolina) [04/28/06]

Two inmates at the Greenville Middle School did a header into Zero Tolerance Zombie hell when a school resource officer (a campus cop) busted them for - drum roll - gambling. We know what you're think and we're ashamed of you, high stakes Sparky. The lads - one age 12, the other age 15 - weren't running a Texas Hold 'em game, shooting craps or making book on the ponies. Nope, they were arrested and charged with violating the city's gambling ordinance for - we're not making this up - flipping coins.

Under the city's gambling edict, a conviction carries a $295.50 fine or 30 days in the local graybar. A gambling rap for flipping coins? That's Zero Tolerance Zombie instanity on a mind-boggling scale.

Ivory Tower Whiners
Source: Daily Bruin [04/28/06]

The Marxist meatheads in UCLA's 'Coke Free Campus' cabal want to ban Coca-Cola from the Westwood campus, because these capitalism hating college cretins blame Coke for Columbia's civil war. According to an item in the Daily Bruin, many of the attendees at a Coke-bashing campus rally had no idea whatsoever why, or how, Coca-Cola was to blame for Columbia's political turmoil. They just "knew" that Coke has a bottling operation there, so, it must be Coke's fault, some damn how.

These Marxist meatheads got a reality check when, at a meeting that aired both sides of the issues, some informed, eyewitness, speakers laid the truth on them:

'...a young Columbian refugee emotionally testified to the heroism of the Coca-Cola Company in her native land. She begged Coke to stay and hold its own, as the thousands of jobs it and other corporations provide help those who would otherwise probably end up joining the paramilitaries...' (Daily Bruin)

'...Columbian Profeffor Miguel Ceballos of the Foundation for Education, Columbia, said that no Columbian lacks a friend or family member - union nonunion, Coke worker or non Coke worker - who's been killed in the violence. He bashed the [UCLA] professors for knowing nothing about the violent context of Columbia, where Coke is a rare force for saving lives...' (Daily Bruin).

We're far from shocked that these capitalism-hating meatheads flaunt their ignorance. Maybe we're jaded but we're not the least bit surprised by the way these whiners privately admit that Coke wasn't to blame, then publically accuse Coke of everything from global warming, to the price of gasoline in Westwood. That's what passes for critical thinking in America's Ivory Towers.

Educrap News Roundup
Source: PIG News Wire [04/15/06]

Lawrenceville (Georgia)
A Southern Belle with tykes in the J. C. Magill Elementary School is shocked, shocked, I tell you, that Gwinnett County Public School have the "Harry Potter" books on the shelves of their media centers. Don't these southern-fried Educrats realize that "Harry Potter" tomes are riddled with "evil themes, witchcraft, demonic activity, murder, evil blood sacrifice, spells..." and assorted other crimes against decency morality and good breeding? Why, if the tykes start reading that "filth" Gwinnett County will start looking like Time's Square on a Saturday night.

The spiffiest tidbit about this concerned mother's complaint is the fact that she's basing her assessment of "Harry Potter" on hearsay, since, by her own admission, she never read one word of any "Harry Potter" book. The most disagreeable fact in this fishwrap spew is this: Gwinnett County School officials took this woman seriously and scheduled a meeting on the fate of "Harry Potter" in Gwinnett County cess-schools.

Waukegan (Illinois)
Alicia Hardin, a former student at Trinity International University, pleaded guilty this week, admitting that she terrorized the school's melanin-enriched students with a letters containing "racial slurs and threats". As a result of her guilty plea to felony disorderly conduct, Ms. Hardin gets two years probation, 200 hours of community service, loses $2,000 from her bank account and must cease all contact with Trinity Christian University.

If you think that sounds tame for a "racist" incident, there's one additional fact you need to know: Alicia Hardin is, by reason of birth, melanin-enriched. Does that make her a "self-hating" melanin-enriched dolly? Nope. It makes her a wench who hated school and thought the racist terror that she spread at the school would prod her parents into letting her drop out.

Rowan County (North Carolina)
By a unanimous (7-0) vote, the Rowan-Salisbury Board of Educrap black flagged South Rowan High School's "Gay-Straight Alliance". As fun as that sounds, it gets better, because the board's ruling put the kibosh on all "sexually-oriented clubs, gay, straight or otherwise". Such clubs, are, according to the board "disrespectful and disruptive to our educational process". Disruptive? Maybe, but I'm not buying "disrespectful", unless by "disrespectful" the board means "we so don't want to hear about it".

If you're thinking that this "you're so outta here, Gay-Straight Alliance club Sparky" is destined to do a header into the justice system, we tend to agree. Several Tar Heel State cabals are gearing up for a court fight. These include, the North Carolina infestation of the ACLU, a local "can't we all get along" outfit named the National Conference for Community and Justice, plus a GLAAD BAAG group named PFLAG (Parents, Framilies and Friends of Lesbians and Gays). Based on the justice system track record, a "targeted" club ban usually gets nuked, but a generic "all clubs are heretofore banished" edict will pass muster. The fun is just getting started, so stay tuned PIGsters.

Afterthoughts:
We've assigned our North Carolina correspondent, Anthony Scott, to this story, an assignment that will, regrettably, cut into his notorious horndog pursuits at the local booty emporium. PIG feels your pain, Anthony, but this case can't last forever.

Carriere (Mississippi)
Leah Lott, a senior at Pearl River Central High School in Carriere (Mississippi), was more than a tad thrilled when her U.S. Marine boyfriend, Pearl River Central High School alumni Christopher Raffo, arranged for a 30 day leave so he could take her to the school prom. It was, she concluded, the ideal way to end her high school days, since she first met Christopher at school when she was a freshman and he was a senior. Tragically, the Educrats running this cess-school went Zero Tolerance Zombie bonkers over the idea, citing rules that declared Christopher too old for the prom. The school board compounded this felony in a secret meeting that followed pleas from the couple's parents to set aside the rules for Christopher and Leah.

We're outraged over this Zero Tolerance Zombie roadblock across true love's highway, but what really pisses us off is the way these Educrat scumbags are dissing a brave Marine who is set to defend our liberty in Iraq. We can't undo what they've done, but the entire PIG staff can, and does, thank Christopher Raffo for his service to his country. We'll keep him in our thoughts during his tour in Iraq and wish him a safe return to the love of his life, Leah Lott.

Assorted Educrap Episodes
Source: PIG News Wire [04/11/06]

Westminister (Colorado)
Feeling the heat generated by outraged VRWC (Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy) members from sea to shining sea, Colorado's political hacks came down on a certain cess-school like a ton of bricks. Shaw Heights Middle School and Skyline High School in Westminister strayed into the political bull's-eye when administrators implemented a ban on all "patriotic clothing", a ban that included the American flag. Showing uncommon good sense, Colorado's Attorney General, John Suthers, laid this reality check on the Adams County School District:

"While schools can and should act to prevent conduct by students that interferes with the education process, their remedy must be narrowly tailored and cannot include a general ban on displaying the American flag."

Leaving nothing to chance, Attorney General Suthers prodded Colorado's Commissioner of Educrap, William Moloney, into sending a copy of the relevant state law to every cess-school superintendent in the state.

Albany (New York)
In 1999, when an upstate New York cess-school with an improbable name - the Mexico Academy - needed a greenback infusion, the graduating class raised money by selling bricks on a school walkway for $30 each. To sweeten the deal, the purchaser was allowed to inscribe their brick with personal messages. It all went swimmingly, at first, then somebody complained about the messages embedded in certain bricks. "Jesus Saves" and "Jesus Christ The Only Way!" were deemed "too evangelical" by the whiners and the school agreed. To still these troubled whiner voices, school officials pulled the offending bricks from the walkway. Did the matter end there? Not a chance, litigation bonkers Sparky.

This week, a federal judge ruled that the school violated the first amendment rights of the individuals who donated the banned bricks. As a result, the school is ordered to restore the bricks to their rightful place on the school's walkway. Does that settle the matter? It should, but don't bet the proverbial agriculture endeavor on it.

Afterthought:
"The Mexico Academy" derives its name from a town in upstate New York with the equally improbable name "Mexico".

Montgomery County (Maryland)
School officials in this terminally lefty enclave are giving their cess-school inmates "community service credits" for participating in the on-going "border jumping scumbags are cool" protests in Washington D.C. For those unfamiliar with this Community Service bovine excrement, here are the Cliff Notes:

'...The Maryland State Board of Education in 1992 began requiring students to earn 60 community-service hours to graduate from high school. Counties are allowed to decide what constitutes appropriate service. Montgomery County grants credit for service in three areas, including in advocacy. Brian Edwards, a spokes-man for the county public schools, said students may earn one credit an hour doing a preapproved activity under the supervision of a nonprofit group, pending completion of a written assignment...' (Washington Times)

In order to seal the deal on Community Service, the cess-school inmate must perpetrate this "voluntary" service, outside normal school hours and away from the cess-school campus. No wonder Johnny and Susie can't read, write, or compute at grade level. They're much too busy getting indoctrinated in the latest lefty brain-fart. File this gem under "your tax dollars at work".

Rochester (New York)
The congenital morons running Greece Arcadia High School went Zero Tolerance bonkers after a hormone gorilla got an "Advil" from his girlfriend. The instant they caught wind of this dastardly act, the school's Zero Tolerance Zombies did what comes naturally and suspended both students. In record time the pair was accused, tried, convicted and sentenced for "conduct that endangers the safety of others [which] includes inappropriately using or sharing prescription and over-the-counter drugs".

Wichita (Kansas)
The fun started when one of the Christian zealots on the Kansas State Board of Educrap, Connie Morris, visited Stucky Middle School and spotted the image the legendary "Flying Spaghetti Monster" on the door of Randy Mousley's science classroom. The invention of a Corvallis (Oregon) dude named Bobby Henderson, the Flying Spaghetti Monster is a rational adult's preferred way to satirize creationism. We're more than a tad surprised that Ayatollah Morris recognized the Flying Spaghetti Monster, but we're not surprised that she told Randy Mousley to take it down, then ordered Principal Jantz to have it removed. Aware that Ayatollah Morris was overstepping her authority, another - rational - member of the State Board of Educrap, Sue Gamble, told Principal Jantz that Morris didn't have any authority over his school and the decision about the Flying Spaghetti Monster image was his call to make.

PIG salutes Randy Mousley for daring to stand up for real science by posting the Flying Spaghetti Monster's image. Furthermore, PIG salutes Principal Kenneth Jantz for ignoring Ayatollah Morris's asinine antics. With that out of the way, we're compelled to ask the burning question: How did two rational adults slip under the Educrat radar and end up toiling away in public educrap? An even bigger mystery is this: What are two rational adults doing in supernaturalism plagued Puritanica (Pagan-speak for the state formerly known as Kansas)?

Zero Tolerance Zombie Sightings - Domestic
Source: PIG News Wire [04/06/06]

Warren Township (Indiana)
A 14-year-old lad named Elliot Voge did a header into Zero Tolerance Zombie hell when he, accidentally, took a Swiss Army knife to Stonybrook Middle School. Elliot's day turned to crap while he was walking to school. That's when he put his hand into his jacket pocket and felt the Swiss Army knife that he'd been using to whittle some wood the previous day. Knowing that it was illegal to take a knife to school and unable to return home without being late for school, Elliot did the next best thing.

The instant he got to school, Elliot headed straight to the school's office which is just inside the school's door. Once there, he gave the knife to school treasurer Teri Donahue and explained how he'd accidentally brought it to school. When news of Elliot's actions went up the administrative food chain to the principal, Jimmy Meadows, that fool went Zero Tolerance Zombie bonkers. Principal Jimmy suspended Elliot for 10 days, then started the paperwork to expel Elliot. These antics would make sense if Elliot was a known troublemaker, but he's far from that:

'...Besides being notified by letter on March 21 of the expulsion effort against Elliot, the boy's mother received a letter dated March 20 from Michael J. Wallpe, Warren Township Schools' associate superintendent of school improvement. Ironically, the letter states that Elliot is recommended for advanced placement courses in English, science and social studies for his freshman year at Warren Central High School...' (Indianapolis Star)

This Zero Tolerance Zombie asshat, Jimmy Meadows, has a mindless obsession to ruin an outstanding student's education with these asinine antics. Despite this asshat's admission that, "throughout the entire investigation and student due-process, Elliott (sic) was a model student", Jimmy "Moron" Meadows persists in his insane persecution of an exceptional student. He insists on expelling a stellar student who did the right thing after accidentally bringing a knife to school. Jimmy is the posterpunk for what's wrong with American's government cess-schools.

Greenwood Elementary School (Massachusetts)
When her friend Sophie fell down and hurt herself on the school playground, Savannah decided to comfort her friend with a hug. Spotting this dastardly act, a school official went Zero Tolerance Zombie bonkers and forced Savannah to write a letter - a letter that a Greenwood Elementary School teacher "corrected" so it would say what the school wanted it to say. This "dictated" letter that Savannah parroted said: "I touched Sophie because she touched me. I didn't like it when she touched me."

After meeting with Greenwood's Zero Tolerance Zombies, Savannah's parents pulled their daughter from the school. Greenwood's educrats deserve a bitch-slapping for turning a playground hug between two 5 year olds into a disciplinary infraction.

MARCH 2006

Zero Tolerance Zombies
Source: PIG News Wire [03/25/06]

Lorain (Ohio)
Lorain's zero tolerance zombies went "sexual harassment" bonkers when a second grade lad "allegedly" touched a grade school wenchlet's butt during gym class. When school officials ganged up on the 8 year old lad, he admitted that, among other things, he passed a note to the girl that said "I love you". Armed with that tidbit, Lorain's zero tolerance zombies assumed that he'd also perpetrated the "inappropriate" touching. Satisfied that they'd cornered a deviant, the school officials intimidated the lad into signing something called "a notice of emergency removal for sexual harassment". Armed with his signature - he printed his first name - these zero tolerance zombies sent the lad home.

A Lorain educrat - Dean Schnurr - insists that browbeating a lad into signing this form without his parents present is no big deal. The lad confessed to his sins, so who gives a damn if he understood why he was in trouble, what he was signing or why he got sent home. The lad's parents are - quite understandably - pissed, and I don't blame them. They're planning to pull their children from the Lorain school system immediately and enroll them in another school system. Hopefully, the new school can undo the damage done to this bewildered 8 year old lad. When your school system starts charging second graders with sexual harassment it's time to bulldoze the damn school because the educrats infesting it are doing more harm than good to the young minds in their charge.

Chapel Hill (North Carolina)
The Educrats running Smith Middle School in Chapel Hill (NC) went into zero tolerance zombie mode when the student fishwrap - The Cyclone Scoup - published stories about students busted for kissing in the hallway, and an assault on a bus driver. The first story concerned an 8th grader who got detention for snogging with his girlfriend in the hallway. The second story reported that several students were charged with assaulting a bus driver. By themselves the stories seem harmless enough, but they strayed into the Zero Tolerance Zone when they included the names of the students involved and had a picture of one of the students who "assaulted" the bus driver.

Ignoring the fact that all the students named granted the student fishwrap interviews and signed off on the use of their names, Smith Middle School's assistant principal went non-clinically bonkers and impounded all copies of the student fishwrap because naming names - with or without the namee's permission - is a no-no at Smith. The lone voice of reason comes from Chris Roush, a UNC-Chapel Hill journalism professor and the official advisor for the Cyclone Scoup:

"I'm obviously disappointed in this action. This is supposed to be a real-life experience ... both for the student who wrote the stories and the students in the stories. The reporter took great care to be objective."

The final pertinent fact is this: Roush's department at UNC-Chapel Hill prints the paper and pays the printing costs, so no school money is used for this adventure in student journalism. This just in! Free speech is on life support at Smith Middle School.

Bunny Bonkers
Source: Boston Herald [03/24/06]

The fly in the ointment for a TVF (Traditional Family Values) wench named Ellen Greene is 'Playboy's' bunny logo - the stylized profile of a rabbit's head that signifies Hugh Hefner's magazine. For Ellen the fun started when her 10-year-old son came home with a doodle drawn by a counselor at Woodrow Wilson Elementary School. The drawing seemed innocent enough, to a rational adult: it showed an earring worn by a classmate of the lad's, that had the word "LOVE" spelled out. The element that launched Ellen Greene was the Playboy bunny head that replaced the letter "O". When the lad asked what it meant, mom achieved escape velocity:

"I sat them down and gave (my children) as much information as I could," she said. "I’m very open...but this is a sexual thing, and I don’t think this should have been done in school like that...Here you are, trying to keep them away from (bad) people. What kind of perception are people getting? At that age, they should not be wearing or advertising for Playboy..."

When asked about the infamous bunny logo, the school's principal, Robin Welch refused to comment, but did opine that 'school policy includes a dress code which would include the bunny logo' (Herald). Will the bunny logo turn wenchlets into loose women? Will the bunny logo send prepubescent lads into a sexual frenzy? Will Ellen Greene take a chill pill and get over herself? The answer to all three questions is "nope".

Nursery Schools Go Korrectnik Bonkers
Source: PIG News Wire [03/22/06]

"No one should feel pointed out because of their race, their gender, or anything else." (Stuart Chamberlain)

At Stuart Chamerlain's behest, the pinheads infesting the Family Center in Abingdon (England) and the Sure Start Center in Sutton Courtenay changed the words to 'Baa Baa Black Sheep' to "follow stringent equal-opportunity rules" (Duluth News-Tribune). On the statistically daunting chance that someone might be offended by "Baa Baa Black Sheep", the words have been changed to "Baa Baa Rainbow Sheep". One of the UK's besieged rational adults, Laura Midgley, co-founder of the Brit "Campaign Against Political Correctness", gets it, when it comes to this fetid foolishness: "This makes an issue about the color black when there should not be one. It's just a color at the end of the day."

In addition to "rainbow" sheep, Stuart Chamberlain has the tykes venerating "sad", "blue", "pink", "happy", "hopping" and "bouncing" sheep. Big fun, but Stuart betrays a shocking ignorance of Baa Baa Black Sheep's origins. In reality, this venerable nursery rhyme is a commentary on a royal tax a king imposed on wool in the mid-18th century:

'...The nursery rhyme dates back to the mid-1700s and is related to a tax imposed on wool by the king, which divided receipts equally between the local lord (the master), the church (the dame), and the farmer (the little boy). Black wool was apparently taxed at a lower rate than white wool...' (News-Tribune)

Stuart didn't get weird all by himself, he's following the superhighway size path worn by prior Korrectnik pinheads who tinkered with nursery rhymes. In 2003, the dipsticks running the Mothercare stores started selling CD's and cassette tapes of another Korrected nursery rhyme. Worried that its tragic ending would give a tyke a psychological boo-boo, Mothercare changed the words to Humpty Dumpty for a "happy ending": "Humpty Dumpty opened his eyes, falling down was such a surprise, Humpty Dumpty counted to 10, the Humpty Dumpty got up again."

We'd like to think that Stuart Chamberlain got to be this big a fool all by himself. That may or may not be the case, but given the frequency of these Korrectness on steroid outbreaks in the UK, we're starting to suspect that somebody is adding mind-altering substances to the water supply.

The Play's The Thing In Missouri
Source: AP [03/18/06]

Some Show Me State whiners from a Toll Booth named the Callaway Christian Church know what they like when they see it. Last fall they made it painfully clear that they didn't like the Fulton High's rendition of "Grease" because it showed teenagers smoking, drinking and kissing. This spring the school's drama teacher, Wendy DeVore, decided to put on a version of Arthur Miller's "The Crucible", a drama that takes place during the infamous Salem Witch trials. It's safe to assume the Toll Booth's caterwauling cretins had plenty to say about that, too, because Wendy DeVore was ordered by the school's principal, Mark Enderle, to "find a more family-friendly substitute". Translation: find some drama that doesn't set off the "handful" of whiners at Callaway, again.

Wendy DeVore decided to go with one of the classics: Shakespeare's "A Midsummer Night's Dream", a curious choice since it involves plot points involving suicide, rape and the loss of virginity. If that doesn't launch the Callaway whiners into Earth orbit, nothing will. We may not get the chance to find out, because Wendy DeVore has been informed that her contract is not going to be renewed.

Teacher's Heroism Saves Student Lives
Source: Seattle Post-Intelligencer [03/15/06]

The minute a gym teacher heard shots coming from inside Pine Middle School (Reno, NV), she rushed toward the sound. When she arrived in the school cafeteria, she spotted a 14-year-old student holding a gun, plus at least two students who had been injured during the punk's shooting spree. Determined to defuse the situation, the teacher engaged the lad - James Scott Newman - in a conversation:

'..."She empathized with him, tried to be understanding and de-escalated the situation. She was successful in having him place his gun on the ground which is pretty amazing," Reno police Lt. Ron Donnelly told KKOH Radio. After he dropped the gun, the teacher "bear hugged" Newman until additional staff arrived on scene, Donnelly said. "It was an heroic job done by the school teacher," he said...' (Post-Intelligencer)

Thanks to this teacher's courage and cool demeanor in a crisis, the injuries caused by the shooting spree were kept to a bare minimum: one lad got shot in the upper arm and chest, but didn't require hospitalization; a wenchlet incurred a 'superficial wound to the leg from shrapnel'. PIG confers Kudos on this courageous teacher who, quite literally, saved the day.

Tar Heel State Educrap News
Source: PIG News Correspondent Anthony Scott [03/05/06]

Judge Brings Down the Gavel on Failing Schools
Superior Court Judge Howard Manning took one whiff of the stench wafting up from 4 North Carolina cess-schools, then excoriated them in an 18-page report that featured such newsworthy phrases as "academic incompetence by superintendents and all the principals". Noting the $250 million greenbacks squandered on crappy cess-schools, the judge decreed that these four rotten educrap apples will be shut down if 55% - or more - of the schools' inmates don't pass the state tests this year. Furthermore, he ordered state Educrats to shut down - or replace the whole administration - of any cess-school that wallows below the 55% passing rate for 5 consecutive years.

Judges, quite reasonably, get hammered when they issue an asinine ruling, so it's only fair that we salute Judge Manning for lighting a fire under perpetually failing Educrats and demanding more bang for the taxpayers stolen Educrap dollars.

Banned in Krzyzewskiville
Outside of Duke University's Cameron Indoor Stadium, is a tent village filled with students who are eager to get a free seat to a Duke hoops game. Our pathetic hero, Tristan Patterson, decided to enrich himself by selling access to a free seat at the Duke-Carolina game on E-Bay, for a mere $3,000. It all went swimmingly, until another Duke student spotted the item, verified it, then tracked down Tristan in his tent abode. That fast, Tristan was evicted from the tent village and told never to come back again. As fun as it is, this story gets better.

Since Tristan's game access requires someone else using his student I.D. card, Tristan might be in hot water with the Ivory Tower's officials. Since Tristan's "wound" is self-inflicted, we in full fledged gloat mode here in the PIG News bunker.

Zero Tolerance Epics
Source: PIG News Wire [03/02/06]

Costa Mesa (Mexifornia)
A computer savvy inmate at TeWinkle Middle School thrilled the cess-school's Zero Tolerance Zombies spitless when he posted "hate speech" on his MySpace speed bump on the information superhighway. Apparently, he's so annoyed by a certain female classmate that he envisions rendering her room temperature in a particularly gruesome fashion:

'...the [angry lad's] MySpace social group name's was "I hate (girl's name)" and included an expletive and an anti-Semitic reference. A later message to group members directed them to a nondescript folder, which included a posting that allegedly asked: "Who here in the (group name) wants to take a shotgun and blast her in the head over a thousand times?"...' (AP)

The fact that these Zero Tolerance Zombies want to expel this young anger-management poster punk is marginally newsworthy. What puts this epic squarely in the Zero Tolerance Zombie Zone is the fact that TeWinkle Middle School Educrats suspended 20 of their inmates who viewed the lad's "hate speech" posting. Holy overkill, Batman!

Afterthought
Has anyone considered the possibility that the lad's angry outburst is fueled, in part, but the fact that he's going to a school named "TeWinkle". TeWinkle! Why don't they just tattoo a permanent "Kick Me" sign on their inmates? You don't need Nostradamus to predict that he gets teased mercilessly about that. No wonder he snapped. Wouldn't you?

St. Claire Shores (Michigan)
"A lot of people are saying it is the best show they've ever seen the TV broadcasting class produce. It was really hard-hitting. MySpace is a huge thing. Everybody is on it. The whole point of the show was that it's a really dangerous thing -- the Internet -- and people need to watch their backs." (Student producer, Neil Willoughby)

This Zero Tolerance Zombie adventure has a slight twist. Instead of an inmate, Lakeview High School officials nailed a teacher for a Zero Tolerance infraction. When some student journalists produced a program detailing the dangers posed by the MySpace Internet site, they decided to demonstrate the dangers by airing certain Zero Tolerance line crossing "photographs, language and music" on the cess-schools internal cable system. The teacher - the faculty advisor for these young journalists - became a Zero Tolerance Zombie victim in a heartbeat, when school officials treated her to tar and feathers then escorted her from the building. Okay, okay! We made up the tar and feathers part, but they did toss her out of the building.

FEBRUARY 2006

Will UW Do Right By Pappy Boyington, This Time?
Source: Seattle Times [02/28/06]

Today, the Great Northwest Nitwits on University of Washington's student senate will try it again. They're set to consider a new resolution that would honor Greg "Pappy" Boyington and 4 other medal of honor winning UW alumni with an on campus memorial. Call us names if you must, but we wonder if this new resolution has anything to do with the outrage engendered when these UW lefties dissed a Medal of Honor winning marine?

No matter how this vote turns out, at least one good thing came out of this self-inflicted UW wound:

'...[UW spokesdolt Norm Arkans reports that UW] set up a memorial fund in Boyington's name after some who e-mailed suggested the idea...As of Monday, the UW Foundation had received $15,745 from 118 donors to the Boyington fund. The money will provide scholarships to undergraduate students who are either Marine Corps veterans or children of Marine Corps vets...' (Seattle Times)

It will be interesting to see if these rain-soaked left coast weasels do the right thing, this time, or they volunteer for another pummeling. As much as we enjoy kicking these UW dogs, we're mindful that Greg Boyington, and the other four UW Medal of Honor winners - 1st Lt. Deming Bronson; Brig. Gen. Robert Galer; 2nd Lt. Robert Leisy; and Private 1st Class William Nakamura - are past due for some respect from their alma mater. Do the right thing this time UW punks, or hunker down for Outrage II.

Snowballs Get Students Suspended
Source: Sacramento Bee [02/24/06]

"Anything that disturbs that or disrupts that is inappropriate on a school campus. Anything that could cause injury, or could cause a student to get upset and instigate a fight, or damage students' personal property is just inappropriate behavior." (Ramona High School principal Mike Neece)

Two Ramona High School (Riverside, Mexifornia) seniors decided to make their last year in government school bondage memorable by implementing a new senior year tradition. Michael Sepulveda and Daniel Zavala got up in the wee hours, raced up to nearby San Bernardino Mountains, loaded their pickup truck bed with snow, then raced to school for the first "bring Big Bear to Riverside" ritual. When the snow mixed together with eager government school inmates, a snowball fight broke out in the school's parking lot. That fast, our two heros landed in Zero Tolerance Hell for bringing dangerous objects - snowballs - to school.

Daniel Zavala pointed out that the Ramona High student handbook does not pin a "zero tolerance uncool" label on snowballs, and he's right. Obviously, Daniel doesn't understand how Zero Tolerance works. Uncool for school is whatever a given cess-school administration says it is, a hidden trip wire that changes daily...hourly. For what it's worth "Bring Big Bear to Riverside" gets our vote, because, at for memorable moment in this pagan scribbler's life, he passed through Riverside. If ever a city needed a dose of Big Bear, it's Riverside.

PIG News feels safe in predicting that Principal Neece is a slam dunk for this week's "Zero Tolerance Zombie of the Week" award.

"Crusaders" In The Bull's-Eye at NNU
Source: PIG News Wire [02/22/06]

Egged on by the blame-averting refuge of every gutless administrator - the "task force" - Northwest Nazarene University (NNU) trustees are thisclose to dumping their decades old "Crusaders" nickname. Vilified as "insensitive" and "inappropriate" - by Mecca Maniacs and those who worry about another "religion of peace" rampage - the "Crusaders" nickname is destined for extinction. The preferred choices - according to a WND piece - are Cavaliers or Knights, but we prefer the name suggested by NNU alum Robert Duncan. In a letter to NNU President Richard Hagood, Robert made this stop the presses suggestion:

"I would like to suggest that NNU consider adopting a plant as its mascot, and especially one that imbues pure humbleness: the pensive and sublime 'Viola tricolor hortensis.' I can think of nothing that would be more fitting than to hear at future sporting events that loud and clear cheer: 'Let's go, Pansies!'"

Abolishing "Crusaders" is a gutless surrender to political correctness. It's also based on a shocking misreading of world history. You'd think that these Ivory Tower Eggheads would be up to speed on the historical fact that the Crusades were a belated response to the Islamikaze invasion and bloody conquest of the Middle East, North Africa, Anatolia, Spain and Eastern Europe. When somebody hits you first, you shouldn't feel ashamed when you hit them back, even when it's as badly bungled as the Crusdades. All things considered, we think Robert Duncan has it right. "Pansies" is the perfect name for these cringing, NNU Egghead cowards.

University of Washington Disses Medal of Honor Winner
Source: World Net Daily [02/14]

This Korrectnik adventure started when UW senior (former Air Force weatherman) Andrew Everett suggested that the school honor WWII medal of honor recipient, Pappy Boyington, with an on-campus memorial. Although the idea was supported by 45 members of the UW student senate, it lost by one vote. Why? World Net Daily shared these putrid facts:

'...Student senator Jill Edwards, according to minutes of the student government's meeting last week, said she "didn't believe a member of the Marine Corps was an example of the sort of person UW wanted to produce."

Ashley Miller, another senator, argued "many monuments at UW already commemorate rich white men."

Senate member Karl Smith amended the resolution to eliminate a clause that said Boyington "was credited with destroying 26 enemy aircraft, tying the record for most aircraft destroyed by a pilot in American Uniform," for which he was awarded the Navy Cross. Smith, according to the minutes, said "the resolution should commend Colonel Boyington's service, not his killing of others."...' (WND)

Pappy Boyington did more than turn Japanese pilots into the air warfare equivalent of "road kill". He spent 20 hellish months of non-stop torture and abuse in a Japanese POW camp. His service epitomizes service "above and beyond the call of duty", but don't try to convince these Amerika-hating, race-baiting UW peace pukes, because they can't be bothered. The members of the UW student senate who took a dump on an American war hero - especially Jill Edwards, Ashley Miller and Karl Smith - are beneath contempt. They deserve all the outrage that is headed their way.

Update
The instant this story hit cyberspace, the outrage swelled to biblical proportions. Faster than an aromatic peace punk fleeing from that long overdue bath, these UW scumbags began to blame the vast right-wing conspiracy for deliberately twisting the facts.

First Alex Kim, chair of the UW student senate - he cast the deciding vote against the Boyington memorial after the senate deadlocked on the issue 45-45 - tried to "clarify what actually occurred at the meeting in question". He needed to do this because the actions of the ASUW Student Senate last night have been greatly misrepresented to the student body and the general public". He then proceeds to try and spin items that are documented in the minutes of the meeting.

When Alex's spin doctoring didn't pass the smell test, UW's acting Vice President for Student Affairs Eric S. Godfrey tried his hand at it. He commends the student senate in general and Senate Chair Kim in particular, after spewing drivel about a generic memorial the school erected to all the students who served in WWII. The money quote is this gem:

"Different versions of what transpired during the debate have circulated through the electronic media. I hope you will take a moment to read Mr. Kim's account. I also hope that regardless of one's point of view on this issue, the exercise of democracy that occurred at the Senate meeting can be seen as a meaningful learning opportunity for the students engaged in the debate."

The two 'different' views that matter most both come from UW. The two versions in question are the official minutes of the meeting as posted by the UW senate and Alex Kim's pathetic attempt to evade his responsibility for helping defame a brave Marine. The items cited in the WND piece I used in the PIG News item come, directly, from the minutes of the UW senate debate. No matter how these UW cretins try to spin the story, they said what they said about...did what they did to...a Medal of Honor winner.

Zero Tolerance Bonkers in Illinois
Source: CBS [02/12/06]

A 12-year-old Aurora (Illinois) lad strayed into the Zero Tolerance bull's-eye when he brought a bag of powered sugar to Aurora's Waldo Middle School for his science project. In a fit of dubious humor, he showed the powder to his pals. When one of his chums asked our hero if it was cocaine, our hero told them it was, before adding "just kidding". Somewhere along the line, the "just kidding" part got lost when a school custodian reported the lad's comments to the local authorities.

At press time, our young hero has been nailed with a two week suspension, a break he'll need to prepare for his justice system ordeal. That's right, Zero Tolerance fans, Aurora's drug war bonkers cops nailed this 12-year-old with a felony charge for "possessing a look-alike drug". A felony charge for a dubious joke and a bag of powdered sugar needed for a science project? What the hell are they smoking? If anyone needs to be investigated for possession - and use - of illegal drugs it's the justice system officials who perpetrated this legal farce.

Pasco County Cess-Schools Go Censorship Bonkers
Source: St. Petersburg Times (Florida) [02/11/06]

Government cess-school Educrats continue to plunge headlong into matters that are, at best, tangential to their core - producing graduates who can read, write and compute - function. In addition to mounting a full court press against excess student tonnage - the great obesity obsession - cess-school Educrats are equally driven to expunge that schoolyard fixture - the bully - from student's lives. Normally, this involves adding "bullying", "intimidating" and the like to the school's zero tolerance trip wires. As fun as this makes life for your local bully, it's thisclose to being kicked up a notch or two in Pasco County.

In addition to acting like a total butthead on school grounds, during normal school hours, Pasco County's schoolyard bullies can also be slammed into zero tolerance oblivion for their activities away from school. The name of this zero tolerance gotcha is "cyberbullying" and it's just as thrilling as it sounds:

'...In Pasco County, school bullies might soon face disciplinary action - including suspension - for writing hurtful e-mails or using Web sites [anywhere, anytime] to taunt or humiliate fellow students or teachers...' (Times)

The excuse for this exercise in free speech abridgement is a nifty Educrat mantra called "disruptive to the learning process". Elsewhere in the land of hanging chads, cyberbullying bans cite "threatening, abusive or obscene telephone conversations, electronic communications, electronic mail or voice mail". Other schools limit cyberbullying activities that occur on school grounds such as using a school computer to send cyberbully missives, or bringing 'harassing computer printouts or instant messages' to school. As far as we can tell, Pasco County is the first place where anything one of its inmates does in cyberspace - even if it's off school property and after school hours - might get him, her, himher or it black flagged as a cyberbully.

The most troubling fact, aside from its free speech implications, about Pasco County's cyberbully ban is the low bar set by "disruptive to the learning process". In other words, a given student's freedom of expression is limited by any word or action that would disrupt the learning process of their most hypersensitive classmate. With a standard like that, it'll be a miracle if Pasco County has any inmates left when that morning bell rings.

Jaw-Dropping Zero Tolerance
Source: AP [02/08/06]

Downey Elementary School (Massachusetts) principal, Diane Gosselin strayed into the PIG News bull's-eye with her jaw-dropping adventure in zero tolerance. This zero tolerance drama started during a harmless tussle between two first graders, when a 6 year-old lad responded to a wenchlet's touch by touching her back. Because, in the process, he touched the girl's waistband - hitting gasp her skin - the lad strayed into zero tolerance hell. The wenchlet complained to teacher; the teacher sent the lad to Principal Gosselin, and that fast, our clueless lad is dubbed a sexist piglet.

What the hell does a 6 year old lad know about sexual harassment? Great zot, he's probably still calling what mommy and daddy do in the bedroom "mush". I don't blame his mother - along with every other rational adult - for being outraged over this asinine zero tolerance overkill. PIG News hopes she sues to socks off the school and that brainless wench who runs it.

Update:
Apparently, Downey Elementary School officials didn't enjoy their sojourn in the news cycle spotlight because, after we wrote this story, they managed to pull their heads out of their butts:

'...A 6-year-old boy who was suspended after being accused of sexually harassing a classmate transferred to a new school Friday after officials apologized to his parents. Officials at Downey Elementary School apologized at a meeting Thursday, said the boy's mother, Berthena Dorinvil. "They said they learned a lesson, and they said they will go over the rules to change things," she said...' (AP)

We're pleased that the lad is headed for a different school. The abject apology is nifty, too, but we still think that the lad's mother should take the school's pinheads to the cleaners. It's the best way we know to make them understand the errors of their zero tolerance ways.

JANUARY 2006

Great Northwest Nitwit Food Fight
Source: Seattle Times [01/30/06]

Mark Morris High School in Longview (Washington) is reeling from a self inflicted reality check wound, now that the junk food banning chickens have come home to roost. After removing those dastardly snacks and soft drinks and imposing strict new menu requirements on the state's government cess-schools, the Food Nazis sat back to watch government schooled inmates shed that junk food induced tonnage. Curiously - predictably - things didn't turn out quite like they planned:

'...At R.A. Long, student-store sales dropped roughly 40 percent in November and December, compared with the same months last year. And in the pop machines at Mark Morris — which aren't stocked with carbonated beverages anymore — there was a roughly 60 percent decline in November and December sales, according to district figures...' (Seattle Times)

That's right, sports fans, fast food craving inmates ditch the cafeteria and walk across the street to the local mall where they get their preferred eats at places like: WinCo Foods, Starbucks, Pizza Schmizza and Quiznos. Big, big fun. Unable to see this coming, these food phobic fatheads shot themselves in the foot. Will they get real and give up their food fight? No way in hell, fast food craving Sparky.

Brit Educrats Go Korrectnik Bonkers
Source: Telegraph (UK) [01/28/06]

The Eggheads running a Brit Educrap cabal, the Jo Richardson comprehensive in East London, has Emerilized (kicked it up several notches) self esteem venerating Korrectness big time. In order to prevent their inmates from "feelings of victimization" this institute of (alleged) learning just ordered all its inmates to stop raising their hands when a teacher asks a question. The school's fearless leader, a pea-brained pissant named Andrew Buck is behind this lunacy:

'...[This asshat blithers that] it is always the same children who wave their arms in the air, while the rest of the class sits back. When teachers try to involve less adventurous pupils by choosing them instead, that leads to feelings of victimisation. Mr Buck believes that it can also cause panic in children who are picked but do not know the answer while others around them are straining to give it. To spare the embarrassment of those who do not know the answer, the school uses a "phone a friend" system, allowing one child to nominate another to take the question instead...' (Telegraph)

Anyone who has escaped, relatively unscathed, from the K-12 thrill ride knows that the sharpest teachers rarely fall for the waved hands ploy. During my term in K-12 childcare, the teachers displayed an eerie knack for ferreting out those inmates who didn't have a clue about the topic. Most of my teachers were so tuned to their captive audience that they could even spot the hand waver who tried to beat the system by pretending to know the answer. If Mr. Buck paid more attention to hiring the right teachers, hand waving would be a non-issue.

More Ivory Tower Korrectness
Source: PIG News Wire [01/22/06]

Certain Ivory Tower Korrectniks at Bismark's (North Dakota) University of Mary are in a panty-wadding tizzy about their school's nickname. Some worrywarts in the school's religion and philosophy department fret that the current nicknamed "Marauders" conveys the wrong image, since it's steeped in - gasp - violence. This lunacy found a kindred spirit in athletic director Al Bortke:

"Marauders were pirates and they weren't nice to women, and things like that, but we've softened the mascot. We've taken the knife out of his mouth, and we're going with just the pirate head."

If Al wants some suggestions for a new mascot, one that comes - for a suitable price - with its own imagery, PIG thinks that, all things considered, "Girliemen" is made to order. If anyone has Al Bortke on their speed dial, give him a call and aim him in our direction. Let's be real, the University of Mary Girliemen is damn near perfect.

North Carolina's Educrap Catch-22
Source: PIG News Correspondent Anthony Scott [01/21]

Certain North Carolina government high school inmates are in for a rude awakening when they get their grade cards. Thanks to a Nanny State Educrap glitch, as many as 80,000 high school inmates might be thrilled to see "Incomplete" where their grade should be. Why? It's a classic Catch-22.

By law, students performance on standard state tests must be included when calculating an inmate's grades.

The high schools are, due to certain scheduling decisions, required to issue the aforementioned grade cards two to three weeks before the state test results are available.

Lacking the necessary data, all the schools can do is mark all their inmates as "Incomplete".

According to the relevant Educrat bright bulbs, they'll issue the "Incomplete" riddled grade cards on schedule, then re-issue corrected grade cards, after the state gets done processing the standard tests. As fun as this sounds, it gets better, because eligibility for such extra curricular goodies as sports, academic awards and the like are based, to a large extent on the inmates' grades.

File this epic under "Nanny State inefficiency strikes again" in your PIG News archives.

Zero Tolerance Bonkers In Illinois
Source: UPI [01/18/06]

McHenry (Illinois) Community High School Educrats insist that a 16-year-old lad's doodles make him a menace who must be expunged from the school before he inflicts unspecified harm on his classmates. His journey into Zero Tolerance hell started when an Educrat spotted a drawing that was instantly deemed "a gang symbol" in the lad's notebook:

'...[The offending "art" is] a doodle of a crown, a cross and a spider web with the initials "D.L.K." in the middle was a symbol of a street gang...' (UPI)

Instantly, the Educrat assumed that the letters "D", "L", "K" referred, somehow, to local street gangs, "The Latin Kings" and "The Latin Disciples". The truth is not that sinister, and hardly a reason for this Educrat overkill. You see, PIGsters, the lad's full name is Derek Leon Kelly, so it's safe to assume that the D.L.K. he doodled in his notebook with such artistic flair referred to his own name, not some street gang.

Elevating a cess-school inmate's doodling to an expulsion-class Zero Tolerance felony puts these Land of Lincoln Educrats at the head of the class when it comes to overkill on steroids.

N.C. State Panty-Twister
Source: PIG's NC Correspondent Anthony Scott [01/15/06]

The Eggheads at North Carolina State are in a lather thanks to an item that ran in the N.C. State's fishwrap, 'The Technician'. We know what you're thinking and the prose in question has nothing to do with affirmative action, liberal-bashing, or separating a coed from her knickers. Nope, the topic that has everyone in a "how could this happen here" frenzy is drunk driving. For those who obsess on such trivia, here are the relevant Cliff Notes:

'...The column starts out with this matter-of-fact statement: “It's never a good idea to drive drunk, but sometimes there's just no way around it.” Columnist Jeff Gaither called himself an expert in drunken driving since he'd done it so much. He wrote: “If you have to take a Breathalyzer, buy yourself some time by requesting a witness, which could give you an extra 30 minutes to sober up.” Gaither ends the column with: “Drunk driving is like anything else -- there are smart and stupid ways of doing it.”...' (Raleigh Boob Tube Outlet, WRAL)

PIG feels safe in predicting that Columnist Jeff Gaither is a slam dunk for PIG's coveted "Politically Incorrect Fishwrap Writer of The Year".

Educrap News Briefs
Source: PIG News Wire [01/13/06]

Houston (Mexas)
In a unanimous, 9-0 vote, Houston's school board voted to approve a merit pay plan for the school district's teachers. If a teacher's students improve their performance on state and national assessment tests, the teacher can get up to $3,000 in extra pay. Other provisions of the plan could raise the bonus to $10,000 in merit pay. If it gets the job done, this merit pay plan is money well spent.

Edmonds (Washington)
Thanks to a boob tube expose that filmed school busses speeding in a 20 Mph zone in Lynnwood, a school bus driver was fired for using a cell phone while driving the bus. Since using a cell phone while driving a school bus is strictly forbidden by the school district, this cellidiot wench is gone and good riddance. The last thing Edmonds School District parents want or need is some cellidiot wench endangering their tykes by driving the school bus with that phone stuck in her ear.

Will Mexifornia Withhold Diplomas for 50,000 High School Seniors?
Source: San Francisco Chronicle [01/07/06]

Mexifornia's State Superintendent of government schools, Jack O'Connell, sent the state's high school seniors a blunt, no nonsense message, yesterday: if you don't pass the state's exit exam, you won't get your diploma. No excuses, no exceptions. That message won't thrill the 50,000 high school seniors who haven't managed to pass this test yet.

"I have concluded that there is no practical alternative available that would ensure that all students awarded a high school diploma have mastered the subject areas tested by the exam and needed to compete in today's global economy." (Jack O'Connell, as quoted by the S. F. Chronicle)

If a senior can't cut it, Superintendent O'Connell is prepared to deal with that, too. He's asking 'the Legislature to help those students by expanding adult education, summer school and tutoring programs as well as paying for a year of independent study after 12th grade' (Chronicle). Given the government monopoly on educrap, Superintendent O'Connell's approach is probably the best Mexifornia citizens can expect. It won't shock us senseless if, due to political pressure from the usual suspects, Superintendent O'Connell, quietly, abandons this policy and resumes the time-tested "idiots with self esteem" scheme that gives everyone who shows up for the ceremony a diploma.

Gamma Gamma Burka
Source: Washington Times [01/04/06]

The coeds in the University of Kentucky's newest sorority, Gamma Gamma Chi, aren't your "Animal House" class party babes. In fact, "party girls" is the one descriptor that doesn't fit. Why? Gamma Gamma Chi is this nation's first Islamic sorority. That means - in case someone asks at your trial - no booze and no group fraternizing with the opposite sex. We're assured, by a Gamma Gamma Chi spokeswench, that these ladies know how to have a good time, but I'm not that gullible:

"Partying is allowed in Islam, but it's how you party. You can have fun with girls and it doesn't have to include men." (Althia Collins, a capitalist who helped found the sorority as quoted in the Washington Times)

We know what you're thinking, dirty minded Sparky, but that's not what Ms. Collins meant when she made that remark about having fun with girls, without men being around. We should make you wash your mind out with soap, but we can't. At least one PIG staffer had the same twisted thoughts. As for Gamma Gamma Burka, PIG News rates this one a solid, "No harm, no foul". And here you were, worrying, needlessly.

DECEMBER 2005

Asinine Egghead Antics
Source: World Net Daily [12/20]

Mexifornia Eggheads black flagged a Cross Cult group because, according to the Christian Student Association at California State University at San Bernardino's constitution, the group welcomed all the shades of the diversity rainbow, but reserved the right to exclude the differently-sexual and differently-religions. In other words, if you're a gay atheist, hit the road jack. CSUSB didn't go for it, insisting that the group must accept non-Christians and gays, who, somehow, managed to support the purpose of the group. I'd love to explain this Educrap bovine excrement to you, but I'm as clueless as you are on this one, Sparky

FIRE - Foundation for Individual Rights in Education is involved now, and that's good news for the Christian Student Association. FIRE went toe to toe with other schools over the same, or very similar issues and came away with scalps from such Ivory Towers as Tuffs, Rutgers, University of North Carolina, Chapel Hill, Purdue, Ohio State, LSU and assorted others too numerous to mention. It will probably take a while to get the undivided attention of these CSUSB Eggheads, but it's a slam dunk that, sooner or later, bitter reality will set in and they will "clear up this unfortunate misunderstanding". The fact is that political correctness on campus loses much of his power when the bright light of bad publicity is shined on it. When it comes to illuminated Egghead antics, FIRE is second to none.

Judicial Insanity
Source: East Valley Tribune (Scottsdale) [12/17]

"[This Judicial Insanity] gives [Colonista government school inmates] a meaningless diploma that is a product of seat time rather than academic achievement. To tell these students that they’re going to get a diploma even though they can’t speak English and then have them compete in the economy is a terrible way to mislead the students." (Arizona State Superintendent of Public Instruction Tom Horne)

A federal judge nailed Arizona officials, plus every legal resident of the state, with a ruling that mandates increased funding for Colonista government school inmates who can't - won't is much more likely - learn English. U.S. District Judge Raner Collins gives state legicrats 15 days after the session begins in January to "properly fund English learners or face fines of $500,000 per day" (Tribune). In addition, and much more destructive to the nation that pays his goddamn wages, this black robed asshat laid this smack down on Arizona: "English learners do not have to pass Arizona's Instrument to Measure Standards to receive high school diplomas" (Tribune).

The problem with "English learners" is largely self-inflicted. Their plight isn't exacerbated by a crippling lack of proper funding. Their fate isn't a dastardly plot by the Gringos to keep Spanish-speaking students down. Their fate is sealed by the incontrovertible fact that they don't give a rat's butt about learning English. Spanish works for their Colonista parents and it's just spiffy for them. Now, thanks to this robe-wearing rat bastard the state will be forced to pour more tax dollars down this Educrap rat hole, for nothing. Judge Collins just told every damn one of them that they get their high school diploma for registering their presence at roll call with a rousing "Si". If Judge Collins could find some excuse to put them on the Federal gravy train as soon as they graduate, life would be positively spiffy.

Home Schooling In Unexpected Places
Source: Seattle Post-Intelligencer [12/11]

Home schooling isn't just a whitey thing anymore, according to this Seattle fishwrap. For a variety of reasons, Melanin-Enriched parents are pulling Jamal and Darcel from government schools so they can teach them the essentials at home. The primary concerns expressed by these parents include the sorry condition of government schools, guiding their tyke's moral upbringing and preserving their cultural heritage. An Egghead named Michael Apple - he's an educrap professor at the University of Wisconsin - put it this way:

'...[Apple] said much of the increase is seen in cities with histories of racial tensions and where black people feel alienated and marginalized. Some families decide to do it because public schools don't adequately teach African-American history and culture, some want to protect their children from school violence, "and for some, it's all of this and religion," Apple said...' (Post-Intelligencer)

You won't need Nostradamus to predict that this growing home schooling movement isn't thrilling certain Educrats spitless:

'...Joyce Burges, of the Baton Rouge, La., area, says she and other black home schoolers have been likened to traitors by people who think they've turned their backs on the struggle to gain equal access to public education. But she feels that when schools don't teach children to read, or fail to provide a safe place to learn, children should come first. "You do what you have to do that your children get an excellent education," she said. "Don't leave it up to the system."...' (Post-Intelligencer)

The minute someone breaks free of their assigned victim group and starts to make sound, rational decisions as an individual, they're branded a race traitor by the usual Ethnocrat suspects. It's all the proof you need that individualism - thinking for oneself - is the mortal enemy of group think. PIG confers heartfelt kudos on those concerned parents who defy the group think morons to do the right thing, the necessary thing, for their children.

 
© Copyright 1993-2006 PIG - The Politically Incorrect Gazette


 
 
 
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