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PIG
NEWS DIGEST
| BEYOND AMERIKA | INTERNATIONAL IDIOCY
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DECEMBER 2005
What Goes Around, Comes Around Source: PIG News Wire [12/31] Ghana's government thinks it would be nifty if it could lure individuals of African origin living 'out there' to come to Ghana to help rebuild that nation. They're especially interested in luring "African Americans", but there's just one pesky problem. Ghanaian denizens view these properly hyphenated Amerikans as "foreigners". As fun as that is, it gets much, much better. Most Ghanaians refer to these properly hyphenated, Melanin-Enriched Amerikans as "orbruni" which we're told translates as "white people". PIG can't wait to lay that factoid on Je$$e, Sharpton and Farakhan. Ghana's ministry of tourism is trying to enlighten Ghanaian citizens with a mass media campaign to convince the locals that, despite the fact that they act terminally weird, Je$$e, Sharpton, Farakhan, et al, are "one of us". Proving that Quixotean quests can even happen in Africa, the Ghanaian government thinks they can upgrade Je$$e and company from "orbruni" to "Anyemi", a word that, roughly translates as "brother" or "sister". Hope springs eternal. File this epic under, "stranger than fiction". Banned In Devon When it comes to unattended rides in car parks throughout Devon (England), Darren Sutton is public enemy number one. During his October 2004 court appearance he admitted to breaking into 28 cars, looting them, then inflicting an estimated £11,000 in damages. Due to his infamy, Darren was nailed with a decree that makes him fair game for any cop who spots our larcencous legend in or too near a parking lot. After Darren's shysters examined the edict they cried foul, claiming that the broad legalese, effectively banned him from streets that have parking meters. Last January, the court changed the language to allow Darren to travel Devon's highways and byways, but that still didn't satisfy his shysters. During a court appearance this week, they pointed out that, under the strict language of his probation, he was breaking the law by being in court. Why? He had to walk through and/or thisclose to the parking lot outside the court house's only public entrance. A Brit judge agreed to tweak their edict again, but we think that's a mistake. Why not take him away from those ubiquitous temptations by throwing Darren's thieving butt in the graybar where he belongs? More Mexican Mischief The border enforcement legicrap that recently passed in the U.S. House thrilled the usual south of the border suspects spitless. The item that seems to have them in a major lather is this border fence that will, presumably, seal off part of our porous border. Calling it "shameful", "stupid" and "a slap in the face" Vicente and his Mexican minions went through the usual histrionics. If it stopped there, it wouldn't be newsworthy, but Vicente got a case of the cutes this time:
I heard this Rob Allyn clown on a local boom box show and he's a real "let every-damn-body in" piece of crap. There are no costs...there are no problems associated with border jumping scumbags, he insists. The costs of the services they use - the diseases they carry, the hospital closings, the schools that are unable to handle the border jumping brat deluge - are nothing more than racist lies. All you really need to know about his asshat is this: he's very, very, very tight with another Vicente, Vicente W. Bush. And now you really do know the rest of the story. Aussie Korrectness The workers at an Aussie health emporium - Port Hedland Regional Hospital - took Korrectness to the next level when they banned ham from the Christmas menu. Spouting drivel about "offending" the Mecca Maniacs who use the hospital, officials retooled its entire menu to meet Mecca Maniac dining requirements. No more bacon for breakfast. No more pork chops, or ham, ever. Why are they so eager to suck up to Mecca Maniacs? The given reason is the high percentage of Mecca Maniacs who use the hospital. That's, undoubtedly, part of it but it's unlikely to be the whole story. The fact is that Mecca Maniacs are egregiously hypersensitive pinheads who start killing anyone who gives them the most innocuous boo-boo on the precious egos. Unwilling to risk having some Mecca Maniac go Jihad bonkers and blow up the damn hospital, administrators did what spineless cretins usually do: They went Surrender Monkey and ran up the white flag. PIG News is disgusted that this unspoken, but terribly real, terrorist blackmail worked so well Down Under. Not Your Mommy's Christmas Show With a name like "The Magic of Jesus" you might expect a Brit boob tube show to be on the must see TV list of every Brit true believer. It that's what you're thinking, guess again. The brainchild of two "illusionists" (a magician by any other name), this show attempts to recreate some of the headlining miracles associated with the Cross Dude.
The show stopper, the trick that has those Cross Cult panties in a hyper twist, is a gem called "the Virgin Mary illusion":
At best this is a dubious way to stage a magic show with a suitable Christmas-related theme. At worst it's a deliberate attempt to get name recognition by launching a few Cross Cultists into orbit. Either way, ignoring these "illusionists" seems like the wisest course. As usual, we won't hold our breath waiting for a rousing "Amen" from World Net Daily or the congregation. "King Kong" Is Racist? Kwame McKenzie has way too much time on his, her, hisher, or its hands, because this Brit pinhead thinks that 'King Kong' is the most blatantly racist film to put on a bed sheet and hood since 'Birth of a Nation'. Okay, those weren't the exact words, but they're damn close. First, Kwame whines that the story will "feed into all the colonial hysteria about black hyper-sexuality". Later, Kwame spouts drivel that 'King Kong' "touches the raw nerve of the Darwin-based association between black men and apes." Kwame is shocked and dismayed that these dastardly racist elements were carried over from the celebrated 1930s version by the 2005 film's creator, Peter Jackson. When Kwame's hysteria reached a fever pitch in this Times of London whine, these words spewed from his quivering "a racist behind ever damn bush" maw:
Borrowing a page from the Great Amerikan Ethnocrat playbook, Kwame probably sees racism in everything from "do you want chips with that" to the resonant, inherently racist, tone boomed out by Big Ben. The only silver lining to this asinine whine is the spiffy fact that Kwame is being miserable in the U.K. Call me names if you must, but I'm delighted that this whiner is spreading this "King Kong" is racist bovine excrement over there, instead of here. It's not much, but I'll take it. Banned In Pakistan The biggest legal food fight in that bastion of individual liberty - Pakistan - paints a "don't you dare" bull's-eye on a popular cultural festival called "Basant". And what in blue burka blazes is Basant? It's an 'annual festival in which tens of thousands of people fly kites from rooftops and sports fields' (AP). Who, you demand, would object to kite flying? Those chronic spoilsports: hard-line Mecca Maniacs. These hard-line Islamists whine that Basant is decadent. It's probably Hindu, they pout. They're also annoyed that Basant includes loud music and women wearing yellow dresses. But, Basant's primary crime against Islam is that it's fun and people enjoy it. Unless you're living in a cave with Osama, you already know that "fun" and "enjoyment" are the mortal enemies of hard-line Mecca Mania. Pakistani Islamists simply won't tolerate them, so don't even think about it. Siding with the fun-phobic hard lines, Pakistan's Supreme Court extended an existing ban on making, selling or flying kites. This just in! "Go fly a kite" is anti-Islam hate speech in individual liberty venerating Pakistan. Film at eleven! Try, Try Again A few days after a Kiwi desperado finished counting the loot from his bank heist, he decided that the bank owed him a lot more boodle. That's when this genius called the bank to complain:
The cops stationed a plain clothes officer outside the bank with a bag, but the desperado got spooked, so he called the bank again:
Although the desperado never took the bait, Kiwi justice officials traced his calls and offered him graybar accommodations. He's facing charges of aggravated robbery and demanding money with menace. Apparently, the Kiwis don't have a law against desperados being dumber than a box of rocks. Take My Wife, Please A Turkish dude named Cengiz Esme watched his life go to crap when his wife of 18 years, Gulhan, left on a shopping trip and never returned. That mystery resolved itself the next day when Cengiz's "friend", Mehmet, phoned him: "I've run off with your wife .... You take my wife..."(Reuters). At press time, Cengiz is still carrying a torch for Gulhan. He's willing to let bygones be bygones and take her back. On the other hand, Mehmet's discarded bride - the mother of his three children - is unavailable for comment. That's just as well, all things considered. If she did say something, we probably couldn't print it in our family friendly speed bump on the information superhighway. Same Sex Civil Unions in the U.K. This week, as many as 1,000 differently-sexual Brit denizens are expected to register their same sex partnerships. This is now street legal under a new law that "permits civil ceremonies that will give same-sex couples the social security, tax, pension and inheritance rights that married heterosexuals enjoy' (AP). The law imposes a 15-day waiting period, after which the couple can be joined in a civil partnership. According to this news story, the new law didn't elicit the same visceral reaction that it would get in the USA. That makes the Brits more enlightened, or more decadent, depending on your point of view. That assessment is yours to make, PIGsters. NOVEMBER 2005
International News Nuggets Source: PIG News Wire [11/29] Germany
PIG salutes Chancellor Merkel for serving up a non-negotiable "bite me" when terrorists tried to blackmail her. It looks like theGerman electorate did themselves proud when they voted Angela Merkel into office. Canada PIG props are eagerly conferred on Oxford's councillors for swimming against the "Happy Holiday" tide. They dared to be real in Canada of all places! It's "go figure" time in the PIG News bunker. Hugo Strikes Again Hugo Chavez and his fun-loving Venezuelan pals gave some Capitol Hill denizens a nifty reality check when the congressmen showed up at Caracas' airport. Led by Congressman Henry Hyde, the six junketing legicrats were denied access to Hugo's Socialist Eden. In theory, they were scheduled to meet with Venezuelan V.P. Jose Vicente Ragel and assorted other bureaucrats but that meeting never had a chance, because the relevant airport officials never let them off their plane:
I know we should be outraged by the shabby treatment our elected tormentors received at the hands of some clowns from this pissant country, but it's not easy. After all the crap these Capitol Hill cretins perpetrated this year - starting with that bloated transportation bill and its bridge to nowhere - I'm hard pressed to give a damn about this adventure in junketus interruptus. Humor-Challenged in Kazakhstan For reasons known only to him, comedian Sacha Baron Cohen decided to make Kazakhstan to butt of his jokes. Portraying a fictional Kazakh boob tube reporter named Borat on his 'Da Ali G Show', Cohen has lampooned Kazakhstan so masterfully that the Kazakh government is making noises about suing him. Cohen's jokes are no laughing matter, Kazakh officials insist, because his alleged humor tarnishes Kazakhstan's reputation. Is Sacha shaking in his boots? Not exactly, but he did have this to say:
If you crave more of this Kazakh bashing humor, you can find it at Sacha Cohen's Internet site: www.borat.kz. A sympathetic, western diplomat pinpointed Kazakhstan's plight perfectly when he said: "They are damned if they do (respond) and damned if they don't." (Reuters). Truer words, PIGsters...Sacha Cohen is laughing, Kazakh style, all the way to the bank. White Males Need Not Apply "As executives and managers, our role includes ensuring that the public service is representative. This involves providing direction and leadership by example, and demonstrating a firm commitment to an inclusive workplace. All persons recruited externally must be from designated groups (persons who are visible minorities, aboriginal peoples, persons with disabilities and women), except for cases having received ADM/CEO written approval. This measure will be in force until March 31, 2006, at which time we will re-assess our progress." (David Marshall) Davie boy was a slam dunk for Korrectnik of the Week after he issued unambiguous orders via an e-mail to all Public Works Department managers that they were banned from hiring white males. Instead, Davie orderd that all new hires must be 'visible minorities, women, aboriginals and the disabled' (National Post). Spouting the usual bovine excrement, Davie whined about the fact that these anointed groups were egregiously under-represented, and the situation seemed to be getting worse. That's when he issued an infamous memo that contained the immortal lines we just cited. Davie's brave new hiring world collapsed a mere three days later, after Canada's rapidly-disappearing rational adults - plus rational adults residing in the USA - took Davie to task for his affirmative action on steroids antics. Gutless to the core, he went girlie and issued the following policy...correction:
This Canadian fishwrap never bothers to share the specific "slings and arrows" that made this Canadian Korrectnik beat his hasty, highly publicized retreat. Reading between the lines, PIG News suspects that it got very hot in Davie's kitchen, very damn fast. If you think Davie deserves a suitable reward, join the club. That's why PIG coronated Davie boy our Panty Wear Punk of the Week on our Girlie Man awards page. And here you were worrying, needlessly. Stop The Music! A soccer match between Switzerland and Turkey is still sending shockwaves through Europe's "football" circles. The fun started before a recent World Cup Playoff in Instanbul, when the Turkish fans showcased their sportsmanship by whistling over the Swiss national anthem. The fun continued after the match when these same Turkish sports enthusiasts started a brawl in the players' tunnel. The fun ramped up when Swiss sports fans decided to launch a national boycott on that Turk nosh, the kebob. There's just one pesky problem with this Swiss kebob boycott: most of Switzerland's kebob street vendors are Kurds, an ethnic group whose antipathy for Turkey is legendary. Finally, this whiz-a-thon between Swiss and Turkish soccer fans achieved critical mass when FIFA president Sepp Blatter made noises about scrapping the playing of national anthems entirely. He's also mulling an idea borrowed from hockey's post game playbook: making the teams shake hands after the match is finished. I can't be the only one who thinks that Sepp has way too much time on his hands. Zarqawi Disowned by Family The most wanted terrorist in Iraq - Abu Musab al-Zarqawi - isn't wanted at all by 57 members of his family. They disowned him, formally, in a public statement, after he ordered the attacks on that Jordanian wedding, then spouted off about personally beheading Jordan's King. For those who obsess on such things here's what his family members said:
According to so-called experts this break with his family, means that Zarqawi can't hide out with this tribe when the seekers get too close. Furthermore, the same know-it-all's insist, some family members might decided to cleanse the stain from their family by killing this terrorist scumbag. As much as we'd enjoy taking a whiz on this bastard's grave, we're not going to hold our breath waiting for him to achieve room temperature. The fact is, he's a big noise, when it comes to sending others out to die, but he's not nearly as enthused about doing his own dirty work. Surrender Monkey Panty Twister Surrender Monkey officials seeking someone, something, to blame for the riots that are raging throughout France have finally pinned down a suitable culprit. Is it the Surrender Money's notorious snobbery and inherent dislike of anything, anyone, who isn't "French"? Nope. Is it the culture class between Third World Islamists and Western - alleged - Culture? Nope. Is it the rampant poverty in which the rioters are mired? Nope. According to Bernard Accoyer, leader of Jacques Chirac's ruling UMP party, polygamy is the driving force behind these violent outbursts. These polygamist families are the reason for this "antisocial" behavior. Are we the only ones who left polygamy off our list of reasons for France's Islamikaze problems? As expected, Surrender Monkey Ethnocrats weren't exactly thrilled out of their berets by this political finger pointing:
PIG is delighted to welcome the cheese eating Surrender Monkeys to the global jihad bull's-eye.. Sore Loser Look up sore loser and/or born loser in your Websters and you'll probably find Jean-Philippe Bryk's mug shot. This Surrender Monkey strayed onto PIG's vaunted dipstick-sensing radar when he sued a French casino for allowing him to lose £500,000 during an eight year span. Whining about the casino's lack of "information, advice and loyalty", this loser claims the gambling den should have saved him from himself, instead of inviting him back and giving him the usual perks afforded to two-fisted losers. Shut up, grow a pair, and try to remember what it feels like to be a man, Surrender Monkey punk. Rescue Interrupted The Brit woman's adventure started when she strayed into a peat bog and got trapped in the waist-deep muck. Unable to extricate herself, she, eventually got the attention of a passer-by who summoned the local fire department. Did the firefighters rescue her quickly and easily? Not exactly. While she sank deeper into the muck, the woman watched helplessly while her two loyal Rottweilers kept the firefighters at bay. The standoff continued until a rational adult arrived on the scene and distracted the mutts with some dog biscuits while the firefighters, belatedly, liberated the mutts' owner. Italy's Smoke Nazi Hell During the performance of Arthur Miller's 'A View from the Bridge' in Mestre (Italy), the play was stopped because a member of the audience complained that actor Sebastiano Lo Monaco was - per the script - smoking a cigarette. Invoking Italy's new indoor smoking ban, the Smoke Nazi whiner demanded that the actor "put out that cigarette". In a rational world, an usher would grab the complaining wench and toss her out, but that's highly unlikely in these unenlightened times. Instead, unwilling to risk Smoke Nazi retribution, the play stopped for 15 minutes for an emergency re-write, then resumed with the relevant smoking elements of the script expunged. Welcome to Nanny State hell, Sebastiano. Das Nanny State For reasons we don't know and probably wouldn't understand anyway, Germany has a special bureaucracy whose sole purpose is policing the Germany's language and names - (Gesellschaft für Deutsche Sprache). The German government is so deeply embedded in the petty details of German citizens' daily lives that they even have non-negotiable rules about the names you're allowed to give your offspring. One such rule black flags any name that contains a hyphen:
One German family is so up to 'here' with this hyphen-banning insanity that they've taken the fight through the court system all the way up to the European Court of Justice. PIG News wishes them good luck, because they're damn sure going to need it in the terminally 'Nanny' European Union. Banning Bart Russian legicrats are shocked, shocked, I tell you, over the egregious violence that's standard fare on Russian boob tube outlets. Determined to stamp out this pernicious plague, the State Duma voted 417-1 to impose a 'voluntary' code of conduct on Russian television companies. Among other things, the Deputies demanded the end of the current "cult of violence and cruelty". As inspirational as this must be for Brent Bozell and his minions, it gets, much better:
The Simpsons? The Simpsons!!! If Bart, Homer and Marge are as bad as it gets on Ruskie T.V., life is good and these pinheads should count their blessings and get on with it. When it comes to wall-to-wall, death, destruction and mayhem, Bart doesn't hold a candle to a John Hagee fire and brimstone stem-winder. More European Korrectness Brussels Another fun E.U. fact is this: Although there is a seat number '666' in the E.U. legislature, so far, nobody has the nads to sit in it. Lambeth (England) OCTOBER 2005
Venezuela's Caterwauling Crybaby Source: PIG News Wire [10/31] PIG has just about had all we can stand from Venezuela's Marxist asshat, President Hugo Chavez. Every damn day, he's whining about something new. During the past few days he's been in the news spewing a demented Hugo double of unrequited angst: Whine: Columbia is out to get him.
First Pat Robertson was out to get Hugo, then Uncle Sam himself was after this Marxist whiner. Now it's some secret cabal in Columbia. Get over yourself, Hugo. Whine: Halloween is a dastardly Amerikan plot against Hugo.
Yeah, right, Hugo, some snoot-nosed tyke in a witches hat is out to get you. Maybe if you pull your head out of your butt, the voices will stop filling your noggin with this bovine excrement. Grow a pair, Hugo. Hugo's newest outburst is a continuation of his relentless whining. He's telling the world that he'll sell his F-16's to China and/or Cuba, because Uncle Sam refuses to take this fool seriously. PIG is warming up to Pat Robertson's idea, one that channel's a certain PIG staffer whose all purpose solution is "Just shoot the bastard". Shut up and sit down, Hugo. Don't make us tell you again. Iranian Morality Mutants The morality police in a rustic blight in northeastern Iran - Bojnourd - just made a pre-emptive strike against public indecency when they confiscated - we are not making this up - certain 'alluring mannequins from boutiques and clothes stalls at the city bazaar' (Reuters). A spokespunk for these morality bonkers pinheads blithered that 'the drive would tackle problems of "public chastity"...' (Reuters). Tragically, this mutant doesn't explain how the 69 impounded store mannequins undermined public chastity, and we're willing to bet this clown hasn't got a clue. Obviously, some out of control Mecca Maniac Mullah went into a sexual frenzy over a store mannequin and the rest, as they say, is history. PIG is still waiting for someone to give us a compelling reason why kindly Uncle Sam doesn't put these Iranian asshats out of their misery by carpet bombing the whole country back to the stone age with our nuclear arsenal. Truth or Fiction? PIG News can't attest to the veracity of the following quotes, so we will simply pass them along and let you decide for yourself.
PIG News fervently hopes that Australian officials are this rational, because it might make some of our own elected tormentors wake the hell up. Spike the Wonder Tyke says, "Don't hold your breath, wishful thinking Sparky". Islamic Peace Iran's new president is a real piece of work, but you don't need to take our word for it. The scribblers at AFP offer these stop the presses quotes from Iran's President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's "can't we all just get along" prattle at a classically-Islamic conference titled 'The World without Zionism':
Proving that "Well, duh" is thriving at AFP, these alleged journalists felt compelled to call Iran's mild-mannered new president a "hardliner", not once, but twice. Stating, then re-stating, the obvious should earn AFP a slot in the finals of PIG's "Well, Duh of the Year" sweepstakes. More Mindless Brit Korrectness The Racial And Religious Hatred Bill winding its way through the Brit parliament is, as far as we can tell, a hypersensitive pinhead's wet dream. In addition to outlawing threatening prose, it also makes it a crime to give the properly-hyphenated and/or a supernaturalist a psychological boo-boo by ridiculing or insulting them. The law is so far reaching that it could impose censorship on books, films, boob tube fare, Internet satire plus comedy routines. In short, it makes 'offending' some chronically-oppressed pinhead a crime. Making this legicrap doubly fun - in certain circles - is the thrilling factoid that "religious hatred" applies to witches and Satanists, as well as mainstream supernaturalists:
The government assures those alarmed by this frontal assault on free speech in Britain that their fears are groundless, because Nanny State functionaries have veto power over "frivolous" lawsuits. In other words, you can say anything you want about witches, devil worshipers and fringe Cross Cultists, but if you so much as look cross-eyed at a Mecca Maniac they'll nail your rosy butt, early and often. File this epic under "the death of free speech in Britain" in your PIG News archives. Korrecting Snow White When the Coxheath Players in Kent (England) decided to put on the venerable classic Snow White, they sent away to Jasper Publishing for the relevant scripts. Instead of "Snow White and the Seven Dwarves" they got a Korrectnik gem named "Snow White and the Seven Gnomes". "Dwarf" might give a short person a boo-boo, so the term had to go. "Gnome" being a mythical critter is okey dokey, for now. Other changes cited by in a BBC item include certain name changes. Jasper Publishing Korrectniks black flagged "Bashful" and "Doc", changing the monikers to "Bossy" and "Basher" respectively. The over-the-top Korrectniks at Jasper Publishing - especially Jasper founder/director Jim Sperinck - need to be bitch slapped until they get over themselves. If you need to know why, there's probably no hope for you, but these choice Jim Sperinck quotes might give you a hint:
On behalf of the Coxheath Players in Kent and the rational adults in PIG's globe-spanning readership, this pagan scribbler has these choice words for this Brit Korrectnik: "Bite me, Korrectnik punk." What's Hugo's Damage? Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez cranked up his war of words with Televangelist Pat Robertson, Monday, when he made noises about having Robertson extradited to face charges of "inciting" Hugo's assassination. What's Hugo's damage? We're talking about Pat Robertson, a man whose attachment to objective reality is tenuous, at best. Furthermore, Pat can't be the first person who prattled about painting a bull's-eye on Hugo's commie butt, and it's a slam dunk that he won't be the last. You'd think that a Marxist blowhard like Hugo would shrug it off instead of whining about it all over the damn globe. Talk about your Girlie Man. Every time Pat asks Old Ka-Boom to smite his enemies, Hugo goes into a panic and runs home to "daddy": "Papa Fidel. Papa Fidel! Pat's picking on me again." It's very damn annoying and it makes me think long and hard about booking a flight to Venezuela where I'd give him a high caliber "shut the hell up" reality check. As enjoyable as that might be in the abstract, I hate flying and quite frankly, as solutions go, it lacks that distinctive PIG quality. A more PIGish solution would be a "junk yard dog, winner takes all, Texas cage match", pay-per-view, of course. The winner gets bragging rights; the loser has to leave the public stage, forever. It's a very enriching idea: PIG Worldwide Entertainment presents: "Rage in a Cage". Badge-Packing Brit Korrectniks A Brit woman named Mary Magilton ran afoul of Brit Korrectness after a car jumped the curb and hit her. The real fun started a few days later when the pain forced her to go to a local hospital. While treating her injuries, the medical officials told her she should report the incident to the police. The instant Mary agreed, she strayed into the Twilight Zone of Brit Korrectness. The aforementioned Korrectness reared its ugly head when Mary contacted the Greater Manchester Police. It all went swimmingly, until they asked her to describe the driver of the car that nailed her. Mary told them that the driver had shoulder-length brown hair and wore glasses. Needing more info the cops asked the trick question: "What build was she?" Without hesitation, Mary dropped the "F" word on them. No, Sparky, not that "F" word; we're talking about the other one: fat. Instantly, Mary found herself in the Korrectnik Twilight Zone, because the cops stopped taking her statement, chided her for her insensitive language and treated her like she had the infamous Avian Flu. How Korrect are the Greater Manchester Police? Very, now, thanks to their insistence on Korrectnik prose. Any job title that ends in "man" was black flagged. Anyone ethnic must be described as "non-white". Descriptive terms like "Bible-Basher" , "God-botherer", and "old codger" are out too. We aren't told what they call human hippos, but we found out, along with Mary, that it's not "fat". If you're still not convinced that the GMP is stoned on Korrectness, consider this prose from an official spokeswench:
The final irony is this goodie: The GMP cops who pulled the plug on Mary's sworn statement passed Korrectnik Police prose 101 with flying colors, but, by refusing to take her statement as given, they violated another GMP policy:
Thanks to these badge-packing Korrectniks, the plodding, allegedly-human porker who hit Mary is still out there behind the wheel of her ride, posing a clear and present danger to any innocent bystander who strays into her bull's-eye. Nice work, GMP asshats. This Week's "Well, Duh" Contender Some bright bulbs at an Irish Ivory Tower named Trinity College Dublin perpetrated a study of SUVs and came to a stop the presses conclusion that resets the "well, duh" bar much higher. After spending a lot of time and money sorting through the relevant data, these pinheads decided that SUVs should be required to carry a health warning. That's right, a health warning, but the warning doesn't express concern for the enemies of public health who drive SUV's. No self-respecting Egghead gives a flaming damn about...them. Writing the results of their exhaustive research in the British Journal of Medicine, these Eggheads breathlessly announced that pedestrians have an increased risk of injury if they collide with an SUV. In fact, a pedestrian has double the chance of a room temperature transition if struck by an SUV because SUVs are bigger - higher off the ground. Unless the Brits repealed the laws of physics when we weren't looking, bigger, invariably translates into more mass hitting the unwary pedestrian, thus inflicting greater damage. That's one reason why, in this case "Well, Duh" is grossly inadequate. This just in! If you're riding in an SUV and get in an accident, you're much safer than you'd be in a regulation sized ride. If you're out walking and play Kamikaze with an SUV, your chances of sustaining a serious - potentially fatal - injury are much higher. Unless you're an intellectual flatliner, you didn't need these dimwits from Dublin to give you this breaking news. More Brit Korrectness The Korrectniks running Brit graybars are beside themselves over the fun fact that the St. George's Cross - the symbol on England's flag - is, potentially, offensive because it might remind Mecca Maniacs of the Crusades. The Korrectnik doing the most whining is Chief Inspector of Prisons, Anne Ower, who frets over pins worn by prison officers that bear this venerable English symbol. Korrectnik in her own right, Ms. Ower seems to be channeling the thoughts of another Korrectnik, Chris Doyle, director for a whiner cabal named "Council for the Advancement of Arab-British Understanding":
What Mr. Doyle doesn't want to discuss is the demonstrable fact that the Mecca Maniacs invited this armed, Cross Cultist invasion when they 'overran the predominantly Christian Middle East, then drove deep into Europe' (WND), years, decades, before the Crusades were a gleam in Cross Cultist eyes. If the St. George's Cross gives Arabs and Islamist graybar guests a boo-boo, they have only themselves to blame. They choose to live in England. They decided to break Brit law. They inflicted this wound on themselves, so they need to shut the hell up and get over it. A Brit Korrectnik Daily Double Korrectnik Epic I
Even the dolts in the Muslim Council of Britain did a "what's your damage, infidel fools" double take when they heard the news. PIG News is delighted by this Brit Korrectness, because it makes good PIG News fodder, but we can't help wondering how thrilled Brit rational adults are taking the news of this latest adventure in Korrectness. Suffice it to say that PIG News feels that Brit pain. Korrectnik Epic II A Properly-Pious Panty Twister Sony thrilled Italy's Rosary True Believers spitless with an ad for their mega popular PlayStation game console that featured a young man wearing a crown of thorns and the slogan: "Ten years of passion". Faster than a speeding communion wafer, certain true believers went non-clinically bonkers on Sony:
The din got so loud that it reached Sony Computer Entertainment Italia's executive suites. Wilting under the heat, these game perpetrating capitalists beat a hasty retreat, issued the requisite apologies then blamed the furor on the fact that too many people failed to misunderstood "the spirit of the message". Wrong, spin doctor breath. They got the message, loud and clear, but, unlike this pagan scribbler, they didn't appreciate its devilish cleverness. Win some, lose some. SEPTEMBER 2005
Big Time Brit Fun Source: Edgware Times (UK) [09/30] The Brit shopkeeper who owns a capitalist endeavor called "Surprises!" thrilled the A-rab shopkeepers in his Finchley neighborhood when he plastered his front window - his whole shop - with rubber Osama Bin Laden masks. Faster than you can say "Jihad", the bovine excrement hit the fan with a resounding splat, proving conclusively, that "Surprises!" lived up to its name, big-damn-time.
If a few rubber Osama masks are all it takes to make these hypersensitive dweebs go postal, PIG News dares to imagine how thrilled these A-rabs would be with our speed bump on the information superhighway. You gotta know that the name itself "PIG" will thrill them spitless. InKorrect Fun Down Under Taking a blatant swipe at the 38 Aussie Ivory Towers that have "a queer officer to represent gay students" (Australian), the oppressor punks who infest University of New England in New South Wales just appointed a "roo-shootin', redneck country bloke" to be the official defender of heterosexuals at the university. For this daunting task, David Allen - Australia's first heterosexuality officer - gets the princely sum of $1,000 (Aussie funny money) from the Ivory Tower's student funds. Based on the following quote from this Aussie ground-breaker, the students at this Aussie Ivory Tower made a superb choice:
The usual Korrectnik suspects are in a lather over these "in your face" Aussie hijinks, but there's not much they can do since, at this particular Ivory Tower, those dastardly right wingers control the student association. PIG Kudos are conferred on Dwight Allen and the too smug for words college students who appointed him Australia's first heterosexuality officer. Who Is That Guy? Residents of a Brit enclave named "Tewkesbury, Gloucestershire" got an unscheduled thrill when they discovered that, during the night, some prankster left a 7 foot drawing of an anatomically correct man hanging from the chimney of the Britannia Inn. Although amused, and more than a tad appreciative that the unknown artist kept the hand drawn dude's naughty bits covered, the inn's landlady called the police anyway. PIG News must, reluctantly, report that this under-appreciated masterpiece was removed by the proper authorities who would really like to 'discuss it' with the perpetrator. What is this world coming to, PIGsters, when Philistines are allowed to desecrate a noble work of art? Shame, shame, shame... A Voice of EU Reason We're not sure what, exactly, the head of the European Commission does, but we know that we like what we hear from Jose Manuel Barroso. For starters he vows to condemn the EU's "absurd" bureaucratic edicts to a bonfire, because he doesn't want the Brussels cabal to be a "bureaucratic monster". For those who obsess on such trivia, here are some sample "absurd" EU edicts:
When Mr. Barroso finishes cleaning up the EU, we'd like to invite him to work his magic here in the USA as our first "kick butt and take names" bureaucracy Tsar. I'm betting he'd have those job-for-life D.C. punks sweating bullets in a New York minute. Bold new concept. Burger King Blunders Into The Bull's-Eye Burger King's new ice cream dessert got black flagged when hypersensitive Brit Mecca Maniacs in the Muslim Council of Britain whined that the design on the dessert's lid looked like the Arabic inscription for Allah. Holy sacrilege, Batman! Unable to take the ensuing caterwauling, Burger King yanked the dessert and is now - with Mecca Maniac "assistance" - redesigning the lid, because we can't have those easily angered dipsticks going Jihad bonkers on this fast food chain. File this epic under, "Get over yourselves, Mecca Maniac punks" in your PIG News archives. I Pronounce Thee Man and Mother-In-Law The term "close-knit family" just took on a new meaning in the UK, after European human rights judges overturned a Brit law that made marrying your father-in-law, mother-in-law, daughter-in-law, or son-in-law a crime. Although we've never had an overwhelming urge to get horizontal and squishy with anyone's mother-in-law, we're willing to concede that someone might be wired that way. A good case in point is the woman who sued the Brit government for refusing to let her marry her father-in-law:
Spouting prose about the ruling "undermining the foundations of the family" and removing centuries old edicts that were necessary for "good legal, sexual and familial reasons", the usual suspects are spewing frantic "the public morals sky is falling" warnings. PIG News suspects that, despite this affront to public morality, this ruling will not destroy life, as the Brits know it. Would it be incredibly tacky of me to point out that the Brits volunteered for the particular hell when they joined the egregiously Korrectnik European Union? Probably, but I'm not gonna lose any sleep over it. Chinese Korrectniks Determined to defend China's cultural purity, the dweebs running the Chinese city of Kunming just black flagged at least 9 developments because they sported - gasp - foreign sounding names. For those who obsess on such trivia, the banned in Kunming names include such culturally incorrect monikers as "Paris of the East Plaza", "French Gardens", "White House Mini District", and "Ginza Office Tower". The following quotes give you the big picture on Chinese Korrectness:
You can stop pacing the floor at night, PIGsters. Kunming's cultural purity remains unsullied by those infamous foreign names. Black Flagged With A Fatwa Eighteen year old Sania Mirza's primary claim to fame involves becoming the first woman from India to reach the fourth round of a Grand Slam tennis tournament, a feat that makes her very popular in her homeland, with one notable exception. A senior Mecca Maniac cleric from a microscopic Islamist cabal called "Sunni Ulema Board" is so scandalized by the fact that Sania doesn't wear one of those Islamically-correct tents while playing tennis that he nailed this tasty teenager with a holy bitch-slap, a Fatwa:
PIG News has a hot flash for this fatwa-flinging fathead. If the sight of Sania in her tennis togs sends you into a sexual frenzy, that's your personal problem, shit for brains. Setting aside the compelling mystery of how you can see anything when you've got your head stuck up your butt, we offer this long overdue advice: If you can't handle those savory Sania visuals, then don't look. It Looked Good On Paper From our "it seemed like a nifty idea" desk we bring you an action packed saga about 8 "researchers" who decided to follow in the footsteps of certain bygone era humans who - allegedly - sailed the 600 miles between Sur, Oman and Mandvi, India in reed boats. The concept seems quite simple, on paper: build a historically-correct boat from reeds, date-palm fibers and tar; fit it with a wood sail and two teak oars; launch it onto the open ocean; repeat history without getting your feet wet. As thrilling as it all sounds, this particular ocean voyage didn't go exactly as planned.
File this epic under "back to the drawing board" in your PIG News archives. A Requiem For Free Speech In Canada A Canadian Cross Cult padre named Stephen Boissoin landed in very hot water when he dared to put his beliefs about the differently-sexual on paper in a letter to the editor of a fishwrap called the Red Deer Advocate. The instant a University of Calgary egghead named Darren Lund read Stevie's 'homosexuality is immoral and dangerous' prose, he swished his hypersensitive butt to the Alberta Human Rights Tribunal, demanding that this letter writing holy roller be punished for maligning the differently-sexual. If convicted - a virtual slam dunk, as far as PIG News can tell - Reverend Boissoin faces a $7,000 fine and could be slammer bound if he persists in his vow that he won't pay no stinking fines. In case they ask at my sanity hearing, here's the prose that put Darren's panties in a bunch:
Obviously, Darren leads a very sheltered life, if that tame prose ties a knot in his pantyhose. It's a slam dunk that he'd never be able to handle one of John Hagee's fire and brimstone stem-winders. If Darren's beliefs are so fragile that he needs the almighty Nanny State to punish anyone who gives him a boo-boo on his egregiously fragile psyche there's no hope for him, or Canada. Afterthoughts: Generous To A Fault Down Under A generous to a fault ATM machine made a certain Darwin (Australia) service station the most popular destination in town, last week, thanks to a costly human error. The fun started when somebody found out, quite by accident, that whoever filled the ATM, accidently put $50 bills in the $20 bill hopper. If you're having trouble with this high finance, put the calculator away, we're all over it. If you wanted a $100, you'd get the regulation 2 $50's. But, if you wanted $80 you got 4 $50's instead of 4 $20's. Ka-Ching. The good news is that this largesse lasted long enough for at least 100 lucky ATM users to take advantage of this fun fact. The bad news is that the bank records all these electronic transactions, so they won't have any trouble tracking down the guilty 100. Bummer! Life is so unfair that way. The Teacher Wore Mini Skirts Her name is Caterina Bonci and this 38-year old Italian hottie makes any red-blooded dude eager to attend her religion class. That might explain why, after 14 years as a teacher, "leggy, long-haired blonde" Caterina got fired from her teaching post in the state-run schools by those spoilsports in the Catholic Church. Although church spokespunks deny it, Caterina insists she was fired for being "too hot and too sexy".
The church insists she got her walking papers due to her divorce, but, Caterina points out that her employers knew about the 10 year long separation that ended in a 2000 divorce. For obvious reasons - yes, we're all hyper-hormonal sexist pigs - we're inclined to side with Caterina, a hottie - her picture justifies "hottie" - who might be the only Educrat who could keep this pagan awake during a class on Cross Cult supernaturalism. Caterina is probably in a losing battle to get her old job back, but we're willing to bet that lots of eager Italian dudes will be ready, willing and able to find a place for her on their payroll. And here you were, worrying, needlessly. It Don't Get Better Than This According to some scientists in Australia and the Netherlands, a healthy, heart-friendly diet includes 100g of dark chocolate and 150ml of red wine, every day. Bold New Concept. These test tube wranglers also suggest a lot of boring stuff like daily doses of fruits, veggies, garlic and four meals of fish a week for maximum effect, but who gives a rip about all those mundane eats. I know what you're thinking and it doesn't work that way. More, in this case, is not better, so don't turn into an oinker, PIGster Sparky. They said, 100 grams of dark chocolate and 150ml of red wine. Don't make me come over there. Getting, Uh, "Stoned" In India It's that time of year, and those wacky denizens of India's Chhindwadada district of southern Madhya Pradesh are, once again, beaning one another with rocks. For those who aren't up on this cultural peculiarity, here are the rock throwing Cliff Notes:
For those keeping score, 50 slow moving alleged humans were treated for assorted injuries during this year's contest. We're tempted to make our usual snide remarks, but we'd hate to sully this noble, third world culture with our scorn. Sensitive to a fault? Oh, hell yes. AUGUST 2005
Kashmir's Rampaging Wenches Source: AFP [08/31] Appointing themselves the morality police for the perpetually chaotic Kashmir region, a 'hardline Islamic women's separatist group' named Daughters of Faith is making life thrilling for the horndogs who reside in the region. Inspired by their deity, and propelled by the piety, the women swoop down on eateries and Internet cafes where teenage boys hangout with - gasp - teenage girls. Teenage boys and girls together in public! We are shocked, shocked, I tell you. Wearing those fashionable head to toe moo-moo rigs that are all the rage in Islamic circles, the Daughters of Faith's most thrilling exploits involve their daring raids on the region's brothels. Once inside the women send horny men fleeing for their lives after which they try to save the horizontally gifted females therein from their lives of sin. As fun as they must sound, the Daughters of Faith probably wouldn't make a nifty addition to your next kegger. You'll have better luck with that sweater-bursting dolly from the pizza joint. Chavez Paint's a Bull's-Eye on Robertson Unwilling to forgive and forget, Venezuela's Marxist pinhead, President Hugo Chavez thinks that Televangelist Pat Robertson needs to be extradited to Venezuela where he will be tried for issuing terrorist threats against our pal Hugo. If Uncle Sam refuses to hand Pat over, Hugo is willing to take his whining to the United Nations.
Hugo used Robertson's highly publicized 'We need to give Hugo a room temperature transition, stat' prose to flail at Hugo's favorite boogeyman, George W. Bush, when he warned that W would be to blame if anything more injurious than an ingrown toenail befell the Venezuelan President. That sound you hear is W shaking in his boots...Not. It's time for Hugo to take a chill pill and get over it already. 'F'-Bombs Deemed Cool For Brit School The Brit Educrats running Weavers School in Wellingborough thrilled pitifully proper Brit parents spitless this week. How? The school recently announced a new edict that made the oft-maligned 'F' bomb cool for school, as long as the inmates adhere to certain strictly-enforced 'F'-bomb quotas. Assistant Headmaster Richard White explained that the new rule is aimed, specifically, at certain classes for especially unruly 15 and 16 year old inmates. Here are the Cliff Notes, in his own immortal words:
An 'F'-bomb quota is an idea worth considering here at PIG. Excuse me, PIGsters, while I go slip a copy of this BBC news item under PIG Publisher P. K. "No 'F'-bombs" Crowley's office door. I'm willing to start small - 5 street legal 'F'-bombs per News Digest should be enough...for starters. I know what you're thinking, PIGsters and you're right. I'm not holding my breath waiting for an 'F'-bomb quota either. Humor Challenged in the U.K. A dose of humor injected into a Brit Toll Booth's (paganese for a church) 'come visit us on Sunday' flyer missed the mark with a humor-challenged wench named Sandra Ounsworth. The instant she read the immortal - and damn funny, in my opinion - words she had her knickers in a knot:
She's shocked, shocked I tell you, that a place of worship like St. James' Church would stoop to such lowbrow humor. Vowing never to darken St. James' door - ever again - Sandra huffs and puffs about such inane things as the health-related reasons she's forced to wear sandals to church, plus the fact that her niece and her son - both exemplary citizens, she blusters - like to wear sandals, too. Big, big fun. This Brit fishwrap didn't include a mug shot of 56 year old Sandra, but our vaunted 'don't even think about it radar' detects a plus size woman in sensible shoes - sandals, of course. All things considered, St. James' joke spinning padre, Pastor Dave Jeal, is probably as thrilled as we are that a venerable wench like Sandra isn't showing up for Sunday services wearing a tank top and a beard. It's count your blessings time at St. James'. Chad Punching Fun In the Fatherland A Kraut satirical magazine, 'Titanic', decided to make the upcoming German elections thrilling by forming its own political party. Titanic's campaign platform is centered on their proposal to "rebuild the Berlin Wall" so they can keep the East German riffraff out of the civilized part of the Fatherland. Big, big fun. According to the Washington Times, the face in Titanic's bull's-eye belongs to a conservative political hackette named Angela Merkel, the hack most likely to replace Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder. Due to Titanic's unambiguous "left-wing humanist" views, Ms. Merkel is number one with a bullet on the list of people Titanic wants to lock up behind the new wall. This wall idea has some interesting possibilities. If they succeed in building their wall, would Titanic-run Germany be open to locking up certain Amerikan lefties behind their new wall? Just in case, we should start a list: Tubby Teddy, The Maggot, Comrade Hillary...Maybe I should write the list down and fire it off to Titanic...Bold new concept. Afterthoughts: A Brit Desperado Adventure The caper seemed to go like clockwork for the Brit desperado. He strolled into the capitalist outpost, grabbed the laptop and strolled out again, without a hint of trouble. There's just one pesky problem that our light-fingered Brit didn't factor into his alleged planning. The shop in question sells CCTV (Closed Circuit Television) products, and has no less than 8 surveillance cameras deployed throughout the shop. Careening this caper toward a Golden D'Oh hall of fame nomination is the stellar fact that the store posts signs, every-damn-where, warning, whomever that surveillance cameras are operating throughout the store.
The store owner is mildly annoyed by the robbery, but he's utterly thrilled over the free publicity that the light-fingered desperado scored for him. All things considered, a laptop is a small price to pay for that much free publicity. Toronto Mayor Mulls Impounding All Firearms Shocked dismayed and alarmed over "a spate of shootings in Toronto" the city's mayor, David Miller, has the city's shysters checking to see if he has the legal authority to make it a crime for law abiding Toronto denizens to keep firearms in their homes. Those gun owners - including gun collectors - who don't want to part with their shootin' irons would be, uh, persuaded to store them in a central facility maintained by the city. Rational Canadian adults see this for what it is, a knee-jerk, Korrectnik scheme to disarm law abiding citizens, because certain criminal asshats are turning the city into a shooting gallery:
Gun phobic Korrectniks like Mayor Miller just don't get it and they never will. Criminals will always find a way to get a gun, somehow, somewhere. All this impounding legal firearms will do is make law abiding Toronto denizens more vulnerable. The only people celebrating this asinine notion are Canadian Korrectniks and Toronto's criminals. Mind Boggling Brit Korrectness Last year, when a Brit social worker told a co-worker that he was sexually attracted to pre-pubescent boys, it set off alarm bells up the social worker chain of command. In September, Educrap Secretary Charles Clarke black flagged the social worker by putting the man's name on the "Protection of Children Act" list, a database that cites individuals who should not be allowed to work with children. Fast forward to the present and a Brit panel called the "Care Standards Tribunal" voted two-to-one to allow this pervert to return to his job, a job that, routinely, puts him in contact with children. According to these Care Standards Tribunal pinheads it's "Orwellian" to condemn the man for his private feelings. Should an individual be punished for his, her, hisher, or its private thoughts? Nope. Should the state put this borderline pedophile in harm's way by allowing him to work with children? Hell no. If the Brit Korrectniks want to keep this slimball on the job they should, explicitly, restrict him to cases that don't involve children in any way. Who knew that in the U.K., 'diversity', meant that a social welfare department that deals with children must hire at least one pedophile? Learn something new every damn day. Spending Quality Time With Dad Father and son were strolling down a Winnipeg street when dad spotted three men emerging from a hotel carrying a case of beer. Unwilling to pass up this fortuitous opportunity, dad produced a sawed-off shotgun from beneath his coat, brandished it at the beer-packing trio and demanded the beer. When one man refused to turn over the brewskies, dad tossed the shotgun to junior and got into a tussle with the men. From that point, life got painfully thrilling for dad. Junior decided to help dad liberate the brewskies, so he blazed away at the dude tussling with dad, but his marksmanship wasn't up to par. Instead of wounding their beer-hogging 'victim', junior nailed dear old dad squarely in the chest. Fear not PIGsters, dad has plenty of time to recover, since he just scored a four year stretch in a Canadian graybar. Junior got off with 18 months probation, so he'll have ample time to improve his marksmanship before dad gets his graybar release ticket punched. And here you were, worrying, needlessly. Tony Blair Cracks Down On Brit Islamists Heeding the explosive wake-up call set off by Brit-based Islamikazes, Brit Prime Minister Tony Blair proposed hard core anti-terrorism measures this week. He specifically cited the following terror fighting measures:
Obviously, Prime Minister Blair means business, but the real test comes when he tries to get Brit legicrats to enact the relevant legislation. That's when the rubber hits the road and we find out if the Brits are finally serious about neutralizing the Islamikaze asshats lurking in their country. PIG News wishes Prime Minster Blair good luck, and good hunting. EU Korrectniks Ban Cleavage EU Korrectniks have adult beverage emporium customers in a lather this week, thanks to a new edict that will - we swear we're not making this up - outlaw bar maid cleavage throughout the egregiously Korrectnik European Union. Claiming that those low cut barmaid tops pose a health hazard to the barmaid's blouse bursting assets, the EU Korrectniks are thisclose to outlawing these time honored attractions:
The law won't become official until EU legicrats enact it next month - a virtual done deal - but it's already made landfall in Germany where outraged adult beverage consumers are threatening to boycott Munich's Oktoberfest. Big, big fun. This just in: The EU is no longer a suitable place for rational adults. This is not a drill. Pound Sand, Sombrero Breath Vicente Fox isn't a happy camper, but don't hold your breath waiting for PIG to give a flaming damn. Vicente got his presidential panties in a wad, after Uncle Sam shut down its consulate in violence ravaged Nuevo Laredo this week. Calling the move "extreme and not corresponding to reality", Vicente's mouthpiece - a Sombrero Stomping piece of crap named Ruben Aguilar - huffed and puffed and tried to blow Uncle Sam's house down, for all the good it did him. With 100 murders in this south of the border blight since January - 15 of them police officers - closing the Nuevo Laredo American consulate gets PIG's vote for "corresponding to reality". This border town shooting gallery might be business as usual in Vicente's twisted alleged reality, but it sounds like the last damn place any rational adult would put an American consulate. Somebody made the right call when they closed the Nuevo Laredo consulate. Now, if Uncle Sam would nuke Mexico, life would be damn near perfect. Update: JULY 2005
Brit Korrectness, Yes, Again Source: Sun (UK) [07/27] The Korrectniks at a Brit advertising "watchdog" cabal - The Committee on Advertising Practice - aren't thrilled spitless that "sex sells". Annoyed - and then some - by a certain ad, they whined that it sent the wrong message to Brit women. The ad by a winemaker named "Limbrini" shows three wenches winning a stud at a fair. And what, you ask, is wrong with that? Everything, according to these Korrectniks. For starters, they whimper that the ad implies that drinking this grape swill could make women successful with men.
Okay, I think I get it. The ad would be Korrectnik cool if it implied that this grape swill could make a wench successful with old, fat, bald, ugly losers of the male persuasion? Bold new concept. In cases like this, the story virtually writes itself. It's a damn good thing, too, because even my vivid imagination couldn't make this stuff up. Emerilizing Brit Korrectness If the Brit Korrectniks at the Professional Association of Teachers (PAT) get their way, Brit students will no longer "fail". Instead, they will achieve "deferred success". According to these PAT retards, this exercise in Korrectnik semantics will give these deferred successes the necessary encouragement to keep their noses to that Brit Educrap grindstone. Thanks to these Korrectnik pinheads, political correctness is thriving in the UK. PIG News wants to be the first to inform the PAT peabrains that they are achieving "deferred success" at being rational adults. Canadian Korrectness Toronto's Thai Trade Center strayed into the Korrectnik bull's eye, last week, when they invited Toronto's own Miss Universe winner, Natalie Glebova, to open the center's "Taste of Thailand" festival. Since the festival takes place on the city's Nathan Phillips Square, the festival and its participants must adhere to the city's Draconian Korrectness policies, and, believe it or not Miss Universe is deemed Korrectnik uncool in Toronto:
Since, in some myopic Toronto bureaucrat's eyes, Miss Universe "degrades women through stereotyping", the festival organizers were banned from using Miss Glebova in her official "Miss Universe" capacity. If the festival still wanted to have her open the festivities, they must not allow her to wear her Miss Universe sash or tiara and must refer to her as - we are not making this crap up - "an individual of note contributing to our community". Normally, I'd lay a well-deserved verbal enema on these Canadian Korrectniks, but, it's hard to muster suitable scribbler outrage over something this asinine when you're laughing like a mental patient. Sushi Slammer Silliness Modern home entertainment technology in general and TIVO in particular have certain Sushi Slamming advertisers in a lather. They have their rising sun panties in a wad because savvy Japanese boob tube watchers, routinely, skip over boob tube ads. Although the advertisers would love to make skipping ads a crime, the Japanese bureaucracy isn't ready to pull the trigger on that, yet. Unable to ban ad skipping, the advertisers declared August 28 "TV Commercial Day" and are planning to flood the airwaves with blithering that extols the virtues of the boob tube ad. What the hell are they smoking at this sushi-slamming ad cabal? Somebody better check the water supply at Japan's National Association of Commercial Broadcasters for toxins. Do they really think that their ad-promoting ads will be exempt from TIVO's ad-zapping technology? I way don't think so, sushi-slamming Sparky. No Parisian Red Carpet for Twerpy Tommy Hold only your hats, PIGsters, PIG News is about to say something nice about the cheese-eating Surrender Monkeys. We know what you're thinking and we tend to agree. There must be something in the water when the Surrender Monkey hacks running Paris (yes, the one in France) pass a resolution that makes it official city policy not to extend any official civic welcome for a dude who is the reigning poster punk for a dangerous religious cult - Scientology:
Substantiating the adage "even a stopped clock is right twice a day", one Parisian socialist called Tommy Cruise "a sect-symbol". Prose like that deserves Kudos and PIG News has the nads to confer them. These socialist, Surrender Monkey hacks got one right. It's "go figure" time in the top secret pagan scribbler bunker. BBC Bans "Terrorist" Although initial news reports from the BBC used the word "terrorist", the word disappeared hours later, and became "bombers" instead. According to a Brit fishwrap called the Telegram, "terrorist" is banned in the BBC guidelines:
When Brit commentators began slamming BBC for its political correctness on steroids, the BBC tried to backpeddle, for all the good it did them. It's much too late for that now. Everybody...Every damn body knows what you are and you can't make that go away no matter how much spin doctoring you do. How much lower can the terrorist-loving, BBC lefties stoop? Some terrorist asshats murder Brit civilians and you're worried about hurting the terrorists feelings? You peacenik BBC cretins still don't get it, and you never will, unless some bomb packing jihad junkie sets the damn thing off inside BBC headquarters. We know what you are, terrorist coddling BBC asshats, and we're up to here with it. Wake the hell up, before it's too damn late. Sex Sells, Even In Korea Korean NO NADs have their panties in wad over the ads a local Korean government cabal is using to attract bathers to a certain South Korean beach resort. The ad campaign that has these Lotus Blossoms in sensible shoes hissing and spitting involves 'wall posters with pictures of bikini-clad beauties and the inscription: "Show off your beauty and get a 10-percent discount"...' (AFP). Korean hotties in bikinis are this pagan scribbler's idea of a good time. [We interrupt this news item for a fantasy break about Asian hotties in bikinis...Mmmm, Lotus Booty...] PIG News is pleased to report that the government horndogs who perpetrated this campaign responded with the Korean equivalent of "bite me". In fact, they plan to persist in their efforts to attract more bathers - especially bikini wearing women - to their beach resort. Give 'em hell, dudes and stay tuned because you're in the running for Heros of the Week. Banned In Britain The Brit version of Amerika's Decency Dimwits - a bureaucratic cabal named the Advertising Standards Authority - bitch-slapped two ads that were deemed uncool for school. Capitalist Exploiters: Fanta Capitalist Exploiters: Accurist (purveyors of timepieces)
Does the banned photo appear to show a tastefully naked wench reclining in a chair while pleasuring herself? You better believe it, horndog Sparky. Is this photo so egregiously offensive that it might demean and offend hypersensitive pinheads? Probably. Is it something a rational government should ban? No way in hell. If the ad is really offensive, the magazine and the watch makers will pay the piper in the marketplace where such decisions belong. JUNE 2005
Cleansing The English Language Source: The Observer (UK) [06/27] The Korrectniks at a Belfast (Northern Ireland) cabal called the "Department of Enterprise, Trade and Investment" burned the midnight oil - and, we suspect, imbibed more than a few adult beverages - recently, in valiant quest to make Belfast safe for hypersensitive Irish dweebs. For those breathlessly awaiting this inspiring Irish purification of the English language here are the stop the presses details:
A spokeshole for the Campaign for Plain English nailed these Irish lamebrains big time:
You'll be thrilled spitless to hear that these Irish Korrectniks aren't the first to expunge "brainstorming" from the English lexicon. The Welsh Development Agency banned "brainstorming", then added "nit-picking" and "manila" to the forbidden word list since both, allegedly, have origins in the slave trade. Instead of banning the Oxford English Dictionary, one word at a time, wouldn't it be easier for U. K. Korrectniks to ban the whole damn book, then give their written seal of approval to candidate, Korrectnik-approved English words on a case by case basis? Better yet, why not outlaw all language and require people to communicate by grunts. Nah, that won't work either since it gives mutes a boo-boo. Back to the old drawing board. [Sigh] Payback's A Bitch While on a three-day pass from his 9 year graybar stay, convicted rapist Antonio Velasco Soriano sealed his fate when he passed his victim's mother on the street and mouthed off to her about her daughter. More than a little pissed, the mother followed her daughter's rapist into a local adult beverage emporium where she doused him with gasoline and set the bastard on fire. While the rapist turned extra crispy and eventually died, the woman who cooked him fled to another city where she was quickly arrested. At her court appearance the next day, the woman was greeted with cheers and shouts of approval from on-lookers. Normally, PIG refuses to condone taking justice in one's own hands, but, since the woman was obviously provoked, we're willing to call this one "justifiable homicide". Potato Wrangler Angst Deeming the phrase "couch potato" a vicious slur against their esteemed product, the spud wranglers at the British Potato Council want the term evicted from the Oxford English Dictionary and banished from the English-speaker's vocabulary. In addition to trying to arm-twist the Oxford University Press into compliance, this Brit spud cabal is perpetrating an ad campaign to get Brits to trade in their reviled "couch potato" for a kinder, gentler term: "couch slouch". As replacement terms go, "couch slouch" is okay, at best, but far from nifty enough to evict "couch potato" from its rightful place. As thrilling as all this is, for these Brit spud wranglers, PIG News is forced to ask the burning question: Don't these Korrectnik clowns have anything better to do? Flaming Dothead Idiots Dothead 'activists' who wanted to protest India's child labor debacle made their protest march memorable by arming the 200 tykes in their protest throng with candles and - we are not making this up - hydrogen-filled balloons. If you can't see where this epic is headed, wake the hell up and smell the alarmingly combustible coffee, Sparky. The hydrogen in the balloons did what it invariably does when ignited by a flame, generating a show-stopping explosion that put 25 children and alleged adults in the hospital with minor burns. In the aftermath - aided by 20-20 hindsight - Dothead authorities banned gas-filled balloons in New Delhi's prime protest area, a large gathering place in the city's center called "India Gate". The same justice system bright bulbs decided to charge six of the activists who organized this explosively asinine idea with negligence. Call me names if you must, but anyone who pulls a stunt this brainless should be taken out and shot, for criminal stupidity. Korrectnik Brit Scouting The Korrectniks running the Brit Scouting cabal worry that the movement isn't inclusive enough so they're tinkering with the venerable scouting oath to make it generic enough to thrill everyone spitless. And what, you ask, is so wrong with the old oath? For starters it contains two hot button words: "Queen" and "God". We can't force these mind full of mush tykes to spout prose that subversive, not in this multicultural era. Shocking...Shocking. For those among you - and we both know who you are - who wouldn't know this disputed scouting oath if it fell on them, here's what the outgoing oath said:
The new, all purpose, Korrectnik pledge has something for everybody. Mecca Maniacs can substitute "Allah" for "God" and Buddhists as well as assorted others can plug in the name of their chosen deity. Leaving nobody unrequited, atheists can vow to perpetrate "good moral standing". On the political front, everyone is, once again, appeased. Non Brits can pledge to do their duty "to the country in which I am now living" and monarchy-hating Brits can spout prose venerating "duty to the state and the laws of the state". This is enlightened in the extreme, as far as it goes, but as usual, I have a couple pesky 'issues':
Putting it all together, we come out with something like this: "I'll do whatever I damn please and if you don't like it, bite me, Scout Master Sparky." Now that's a pledge that will make any Korrectnik in good standing stand up and salute. Why must I always do the heavy lifting on these things? [Sigh] Canada's Health Care Turmoil Canada's Supreme Court sent shockwaves throughout the nation's socialized medicine cabal when it ruled that Quebec stepped over the line when it banned individuals from seeking their own medical solutions by using private health insurance providers. Although the ruling is specific to Quebec, the usual shyster experts opine that this ruling will spawn similar legal actions throughout Canada. Some fear that this ruling drives a stake through the heart of Canada's socialized medicine monster. Admittedly this is highly unlikely, but it can't hurt to keep your fingers crossed. This pagan scribbler feels Canadian Socialists' pain, sort of, when I'm not laughing. If Canadians are allowed seek their own medical solutions, outside the snail's pace government medical system, there's no telling what might happen next. No doubt, Canada's Socialists are painfully aware that once you give an individual a taste of inalienable liberty, he, she, heshe or it will want more liberty, in other areas of their life. Sand Box Panty Twister Sand Box (Saudi Arabia) panties are in a hyper wad, because a Sand Box bureaucrat - Consultative Council member Mohammad al-Zulfa - dared to ask Sand Box legicrats to 'discuss the possibility of conducting a study into the feasibility of reversing the ban on women drivers' (AP). Faster than warp speed camel spit, the testosterone-laced excrement hit the proverbial fan with a deafening "splat".
Proving how terminally twisted the Sand Box dudes are, they worry that letting women to drive would lead to unrelenting carnality because it would allow women to go anywhere they want, without an authorized male escort. It might even - gasp - allow her to expose her eyes or worst of all, have her 'interacting with strange men like police officers of mechanics' (AP). Strange men? This PIG scribbler dares to opine that all the Sand Box dudes are a several tacos short of a combination plate. The problem with Sand Box women driving isn't the women. It's the Sand Box dudes who can't control their carnal impulses when they encounter a woman to whom they're not related by reason of marriage of birth. There's nothing wrong with Sand Box men that universal, compulsory, castration won't cure. You heard it here, first. Cell Chucking Championships On June 25, 160 eager competitors will descend on a German burg called Bielefeld for the most enlightened competition to come down the pike since some horndog invented the wet t-shirt contest. There, on the soon to be legendary fields of Bielefeld, Germany will stage it's first annual mobile phone throwing championships. The lucky winner will move on to the world championship games,this August, in Finland. If you're eager to get in on this big time fun, here are some relevant facts:
This PIG scribbler won't kick up a fuss if you decide to impound some bellowing, cell idiot asshat's telecommunications blight and use it for your cell chucking practice. MAY 2005
Vapor Lock In Croatia Source: Ananova [05/31] Unable to wait for the fabled wedding night with her new, mint condition hubby, a Croatian bride snuck off to the bathroom with the best man. Their tryst got terminally thrilling when one of the groom's pals walked in on the couple and caught them in the act. Faster than you can say "vapor lock" the horndog bride got a muscle cramp that made the couple, literally, inseparable.
Taking events in stride, the groom announced that the wedding celebration was over but the divorce celebration was just getting started. Other than that, how was the rest of your wedding day, dude? Thailand's Priestly Punchout If, like the PIG News staff, you nourished the delusion that Buddhist monks were inherently passivist dudes who never had an angry thought in their lives, get ready for a rude awakening. According to this news item, monks from two temples in Thailand's Nog Khai state, got into a public priestly punchout that resulted in five monks being defrocked and fined.
PIG News dares to think the unthinkable and opine that a "Brawling Buddhists" pay-per-view is an idea whose time has come. It's bold new concept time in the top secret PIG News bunker. Crime Bonkers In Britain Alarmed by the 18% increase in Britain's violent crime rate between 2003 and 2004, some Brit stethoscope wranglers demand that Brit officials regulate the manufacture and sale of - we're not making this up - long, pointed kitchen knives. Citing 2005 crime statistics, these "for the good of society as a whole" medical professionals view with alarm the 15 killings and 16 nonfatal attacks that involved stabbings. Writing in the most recent issue of the British Medical Journal, three alarmed quacks call for new laws that force knife manufactures redesign their long kitchen knives with "blunt, rounded tips". First the Brit's 'regulated' firearms into submission, now the same intellectual flatliners want to rescue Brit society from long, pointed kitchen knives. What's next on their agenda? Cricket bats? Tire irons? Fire pokers? Rolling pins? Will they ever be satisfied that Brit citizens are safe enough? Not a chance Sparky. Afterthoughts: Speaking Korrectly In The U.K. Euphemism of The Year Contender: "We do not seek to achieve political correctness; we do want to achieve professional appropriateness." (Spokeshole for the Brit Trades Union Congress, emphasis added.) The Brit Trades Union Congress issued a comprehensive guide that's intended to shepherd their trade unionists into the nether world PIG News calls Korrectnik Speech. Dubbed "Diversity In Action", this speech code 'advises trade unionists on the "appropriate use of language" on race, sex and age' (Telegraph). I know what you're thinking but the quote at the top of this rant insists that this is "professional appropriateness" not "political correctness". Yeah, right, and if you believe that one, PIG has an older than dirt London timepiece to sell you. For those Yanks eager to immerse themselves in "professional appropriateness", PIG serves up the following examples:
Call us names if that thrills you spitless but PIG News detects the putrid stench of political correctness emanating from this Brit cabal's "Diversity In Action" speech code. If it sounds like Korrectness...If it smells like Korrectness, it's Korrectness, period...End of discussion. Korrecting History In the U.K. That sound you hear coming from the U.K. is Lord Admiral Horatio Nelson turning over in his grave, thanks to the Korrectnik antics perpetrated by the Royal Navy on the 200th anniversary of his stunning victory at the Battle Of Trafalgar. The Brits are so worried that they might bruise those egregiously fragile Surrender Monkey (PIG-speak for the French) egos that this re-enactment is dispensing with such boo-boo inducing terms as "British", "French" and has even banished historically-correct name "The Battle of Tafalgar". Instead, of the Brit's Royal Navy squaring off with a French-Spanish fleet at "The Battle of Trafalgar", "red" forces will face "blue" forces at "an early 19th-century sea battle".
A Brit legicrat, Liberal Democrat MP Mike Hancock said it all when he deemed this Korrectnik scam "absolute twaddle". MP Hancock nailed it the following prose:
Korrenctness is out of damn control in the U.K., when the Brits are start rewriting their history to spare those terminally fragile Surrender Monkey egos. For their spineless obeisance to Korrectness, the Brit Ministry of Defense is a slam dunk for PIG's Korrectnik Asshat of the Week. Transatlantic Dumbing Down Last year, Brit Educrats were alarmed when a mere 71% - instead of the targeted 75% - of Brit 14-year-olds met the national English test standard, so, this year, they tweaked conditions for one key part of the examination that's called "the long writing paper". Students are still given an hour to complete this phase of the examination, but one pesky test requirement got nuked this year:
You spend an hour writing a composition and misspell every word, but it's no harm, no foul? Has anybody checked their water supply for mind-altering substances? It sounds like these Brit Educrats borrowed a page - or two - from their Yank Educrat cousin's playbook - the page that says, when the students can't meet the standard, lower the standard. They did much more than borrow it; they Emerilized it, big damn time. Dumbing down is now a transatlantic phenomenon. You heard it here, first. Real I.D. Act Aftershocks Mexican President, Vicente Fox, took the Real I.D. Act's passage so hard that he got real for one stop the presses moment. 'It' transpired Friday at a confab in Puerto Vallarta for the Texas-Mexico Frozen Food Council:
If you don't see a Je$$e Jackson response coming, you're in a coma, Sparky. In this case, since Vicente isn't, strictly speaking, an 'oppressor', Je$$e let him off easy:
As usual, the News Nitwits at AP - and elsewhere - missed the salient point. The breaking news here isn't Vicente's 'open mouth, insert foot' outburst, nor is it Je$$e's predictable blithering. The real story - one that only PIG News dares to cover - is that the Real I.D. Act might make it a tad harder for Vicente to export his poverty. Granted, the Real I.D. Act won't, magically, resolve our border jumping scumbag problem, but, given the fact that it made Vicente lose his cool, it's a step in the right direction. Afterthoughts: PIG News regulars won't be shocked that this Vicente prose elicits some PIGish observations.
Vicente needs to shut the hell up and spend more time fixing the problems in his own country for a change. Don't make me come down their, Senor Sparky. Another Sombrero-Stomping Hissy Fit W's daddy Vicente Fox and his south of the border homeboys are spouting lawsuit drivel because Arizona justice officials refused to press charges against U.S. Army Reservist, Sgt. Patrick Haab. What, you ask, did Sgt. Haab do that outraged Mexican officials? As usual, PIG News is all over it. On April 10, Sgt. Haab detained 7 border jumping asshats, at gun point, until the proper authorities could come and take them off his hands. That, it seems, is street legal, because prevailing Arizona law 'allows a resident to make an arrest when a felony, including immigrant trafficking, has been committed' (Citizen) Mexico can take their drivel about "assault", "illegal detention" and "mental anguish" and stick it where the sun don't shine, because Sgt. Haab had the right stuff when it was needed. That's why he's the front runner for PIG's Hero of the Week. Have You Considered Canada, Chico? With an aging population and a declining birth rate Canada is laying out an "immigrants welcome" mat in an effort to lure "students and skilled workers from all over the world" (Republic). They're so eager for immigrants that they're actively recruiting aspiring immigrants in Mexico:
This scheme rates as viable alternative for border jumpers. First of all, getting into Canada is already much easier then getting into Amerika. Furthermore, the path to citizenship is smooth and it's destined to become much faster, now that the Canadian government devoted $58 million to streamline the citizenship process. Could our northern neighbor be the solution to Amerika's border jumper problem? It appears to be, since Canada obviously wants more immigrants and Amerika has a 'surplus'. PIG News thinks Uncle Sam could solve our border jumper problems by rounding up all our illegals and giving them a one-way bus ticket to British Columbia, Alberta, or Ontario. If the feds need a motto for this cutting edge "ship them the hell out" campaign, "British Columbia is that way, Chico" will do nicely. Fish Rage Down Under An Aussie angler found out the hard way that fishing can be a contact sport, when a 5-foot long mackerel jumped into his boat smacked him around then jumped out again. The close encounter with fish rage occurred while Glen Hopper was fishing on the Mooloolah River. Here's how Glen described the incident to an Australian AP reporter:
As usual, I have a couple notions about this epic. For starters, Glen's close encounter with fish rage sets the bar for 'the one that got away' stories, much, much higher. Also, if fishing gets you bruised ribs plus cuts to your face and arms, maybe you should take up a safer pastime, Glen. Have you ever considered sky diving, bungee jumping, or alligator wrestling? APRIL 2005
Technology Trips Up Brit Bigamist Source: BBC [04/27] A Brit bigamist named Carl Wallace had it all going his way, until he decided to brag about his 'extra' bride to his old school chums on the Friends Reunited website. His saga starts, as such things usually do, when after 20 years of wedded bliss, he grew tired of wife Anne's charms and let himself be enticed into an affair with a 24 year old wench named Selena. Eventually, as is usually the case, his wife found out, prompting our hero to ask for a quickie divorce. When she refused, he boldly went where no dude should go:
Everything want like clockwork, until he posted a message about his marriage to Selena on the Friends Reunited site. A mutual friend spotted our hero's Internet prose, then shared the thrilling news with Carl's original - street legal until 2006 - bride Anne. Faster than you can say "that two-timing son-of-a-bitch", Anne decided to give Carl an extra special wedding gift and got him busted for bigamy. A self-inflicted legal wound? You better believe it, shout it from the rooftops Sparky. Honorable Murder? A Jordanian man murdered his divorced sister to save the family honor, after he saw her picture on his friend's camera-equipped cell phone. After restoring that all important family honor by pumping two bullets in his sister's head, this poster punk for Mecca Maniac tolerance turned himself into the cops. Don't lose any sleep worrying about this sister murdering asshat, because the most he faces for his butchery is a year in the slammer. That might sound like somebody's notion of justice, but it damn sure isn't mine. I know what you're thinking, Sparky, and this time you're wrong. Our sister murdering hero of Islam is the fifth dude - so far this year - to perpetrate this "I gotta kill her to restore the family honor" insanity. Last year, at least nineteen Jordanian women met the same fate at the hands of honor-restoring male relatives. As usual this pagan scribbler is more than a tad confused about this honorable murder. A woman getting her picture on a dude's cell phone is 'dishonorable', but murdering your sister is 'honorable'? I way don't think so, sister murdering Sparky. Strange But True Born with both male and female nads, a 29-year-old heshe, belatedly decided to drop the 'she' so 'he' could get hitched to a hottie named Laura, a wench heshe adored for 15 years. When Laura promised to marry our hero after those nasty female nads were expunged via surgery, heshe borrowed the requisite 50,000 rupees ($1,150 in dead presidents) and 'got 'er done'. Did he live happily ever after with his beloved Laura? Not exactly. We're not told what our hero said when he emerged from his surgery to discover that his beloved Laura was planning to marry somebody else. Whatever it was, it included the dothead equivalent of "I'm gonna sue the sari off you, heartless wench". As thrilling as that is for the hottie, life handed her more bad news, when her fiancee dropped her like a bad habit. Other than that, how was the rest of your day, darlin? Such A Deal An Amerikan capitalist thought he'd gotten the bargain of the century when he served up a hefty 35 million rupees ($802,600) for a lavish mansion in the heart of New Delhi. There was just one pesky little detail that slipped the seller's mind: The house in question is the official residence of India's Prime Minister. How do they say "Gotcha" in Hindi? Italian Critter Coddlers The hacks running Turin (Italy) just enacted an edict that resets the critter coddling bar, much...much higher. The new laws are so Draconian that it takes a 20-page rulebook to explain all the fun new gotchas. For those devoted readers who love to gloat over such things, here are a few nifty critter coddling fun facts:
Turin is on the fast track to a well-deserved slot on PIG's Top Ten Korrectnik cities list. Kiwi Kick-Ass Two Kiwi desperados got more than they wanted or needed when they broke into a certain Aukland (New Zealand) domicile. It all went as planned, for a while, until they blundered into Brook McRae's bedroom. Leaping into action, our hero put his years of kickboxing training to work when he chased down and caught one desperado:
After turning his battered and bruised prisoner over to the local authorities, Brook found the second desperado's hat. He's willing - dare we say downright eager - to return it, in person, if the Kiwi desperado wants to volunteer for some Brook McRae-style Kiwi kick ass. How does "Do you feel lucky, punk?" translate into Kiwi? Woody Wedlock in Calcutta Feeling besieged, the dotheads infesting Calcutta (India) decided to put an end to their fair city's crappy luck, with a gala ceremony that joined two 'sacred' woody perennials into holy wedlock. That's right, dothead fans - and we both know who you are - some color-coded bright bulb decided that the best way to fend off the evil spirit plaguing Calcutta involved a marriage between two trees.
The wingnuts who believe this hocus pocus will eradicate the city's crimewave probably need to increase the voltage on their shock treatments, because this woody wedded bliss ain't gonna fly with the local desperados. What Calcutta really needs is the dothead version of the Big Apple's Guardian Angels. You heard it here, first. Bite Me, Sombrero Stomping Punk Mexico wants to merge with Amerika...economically, via a process that Mexico's Secretary of Foreign Affairs Luis Ernesto Derbez Bautista calls 'integration'. As usual, this political merging centers on the border jumping scumbag invasion that Mexico continues to perpetrate.
Calling this merging a win-win, this sombrero stomping asshat doesn't have the nads to say what he really means. Since he won't do it, we'll do it for him. PIG suspects Luis's real ideas would go something like this: "We plan to export our poverty by driving as many of Mexico's 100,000,000 denizens across our norther border into the 'land of the freebie'. The United States' part in this Faustian bargain involves paying the bills run up by these chronically needy, Colonista invaders." PIG has a better idea: Turn our southern border into a live fire range for our military and blow these border jumping scumbags into a well-deserved oblivion. The fetid notion perpetrated by this Sombrero Stomping hack isn't 'integration' it's 'invasion' and the time has come to meet this act of war with deadly force. The order of the day is "lock and load". This is not a drill. Brit Korrectniks Kick It Up Several Notches Political Correctness is running amok in Britain's top police department this week, thanks to the Korrectniks who worry that a harmless phrase like "ethnic minority" might give a properly-hyphenated Brit a boo-boo on his, her, hisher or its fragile psyche. Three phrases are deemed Incorrect to the max:
The new, approved Korrectnik phrase is: "black and minority ethnic communities/people". PIG triple dog dares you to try saying that three times, without losing your lunch. The Fight To Save Britain's Endangered National Treasures PIG's favorite Brit fishwrap, The Sun, is conducting a downright patriotic campaign to save two endangered national landmarks that they, quite understandably, call modern wonders of the world. The endangered national treasures belong to a Sun regular, a superbly constructed, 26-year-old Brit hottie named Jordan. How 'gifted' is Jordan? Very, and that's a no shit fact. If Pam Anderson's spectacular endowments merit the term "sweater puppies", then Jordan's bra busting 32FF endowments are nothing less than "sweater Saint Bernards". The danger arose when Jordan opined that her 32FF twin peaks were getting a tad too large so she contemplated having them reduced. In a heartbeat the Sun leaped into the fray, mounting a frantic campaign to "Save Jordan's Giant Jugs". If you want to lend your support to this magnificent mammary obsession, visit the Sun web site for all the relevant details. Are Jordan's unnatural endowments worth saving from the surgeon's knife? You better believe it, "them's big 'uns" Sparky. You're Skating On Thin Ice, Parking Punk A differently-rational cabal inhabiting a Brit town called Islington is so fed up with the city's parking enforcement punks that they - we are not making this up - laid an old fashioned curse on them. Calling themselves the 'Islington Congregation of Practitioners in the Occult Arts' (Express), these outraged occultists posted the following warning for the city's Parking Nazis:
You don't need Einstein to explain why the occultists are going postal. Obsessed with punishing all infractions, no matter how minor, Islington's parking punks issued a whopping 260,888 tickets during 2003-2004 (that's roughly 717 each day). PIG's news staff is all over this story, so stay tuned for updates. When Islington's parking punks start turning into toads, lizards, slugs and snails, en masse, PIG will bring you all the thrilling details. Afterthought: Korrectness On Steroids in Norway Norway Emerilized Korrectness to undreamed of levels with an edict that orders the country's businesses to perpetrate at least 40% NO NADS on their boards of directors, by 2007 or they'll face stiff penalties that include closing down the business. If you're smelling a Law of Unintended Consequences reality check in Norway's future, join the club. Norwegian hacks opine that a company won't risk closure, so they'll knuckle under. That sounds right, but is it entirely accurate? If you're faced with a inevitable impact of diluting your board of directors with unqualified - or under-qualified - NO NADS is compliance the owner's only, or best move? Not necessarily. Unless it's geographically impossible, a company could move it's operation elsewhere. Norwegian hacks are doomed to find out, first hand, that reality can be relentlessly inflexible, especially when it comes to this Korrectnik crap-o-la. Let the games begin. The Incredible Popeman In the alternative reality created in a new Columbian comic book, Pope John Paul II didn't die, he got transformed into a muscular superhero named the "Incredible Popeman". After an initial 'how to be a superhero' confab with Batman and Superman, Popeman girds himself for battle with Satan. Wearing a his yellow, anti-Devil, cape and - we are not making this up - green chastity pants, the Incredible Popeman goes toe-to-toe with the arch demon using his staff of faith, holy water and communion wine. The Incredible Popeman is the best reason we've heard, so far, to learn Spanish. PIG is, as expected, amused in the extreme. Don't Mess With Me, Sparky The first mistake an unemployed, 57-year old Sushi Slammer dude made was snatching a woman's purse. His second mistake was much more punishing: perpetrated his crime in front of two judo-trained Sushi Slammer school girls.
Schoolgirl justice put this dolt where he belongs: in a Sushi Slammer graybar. Nice work, wenchlets. Pope-A-Thon Goes International The Pope-a-thon cropped up in some unlikely places, including two Mecca Maniac satellite channels: Qatar-based Al-Jazeera and Dubai-based Al-Arabiya. If you're wondering how Mecca Maniacs greeted this room temperature pontiff coverage, wonder no more, because PIG News is all over it:
Today's Fun Fact: The 24 hour cable news nitwit cycle even sucks in Arabic. Learn something new every day. MARCH 2005
The Bus Ride To Nowhere Source: BBC [03/31] The trusting Brits who climbed onto a Bristol (England) bus got up close and personal with public transit incompetence when the driver of the bus and his 'route trainer' got so severely lost that the passengers were forced to navigate for them. Things got so bad, that a passenger named Mark Gee stood behind them, issuing driving directions until he got to his stop. Leaving nothing to chance another passenger took over for him. As expected, the bus company is doing its best to spin this publicity nightmare as an isolated incident, but that doesn't pass this pagan scribbler's smell test. Bristol's bus passengers need to face the fun facts: the bus you're riding will get you from point A to point B, but don't bet the proverbial farm that the point B in question is your preferred destination. Gaelic Only In Ireland Ireland's hacks erased another vestige of English rule by passing a law that outlaws English on road signs and official maps. Unless your directions cite Gaelic names, get ready to become severely lost on your next trip to Ireland. This is not a drill.
English? English! We don't need no stinking English. Whatever floats your boat, shamrock breath Sparky. Mecca Maniac Tolerance A Pakistani actress - a sultry hottie named Meera - incurred Mecca Maniac wrath, due to her onscreen antics in a movie named "Nazar". Although the movie isn't released yet, one incendiary scene of Meera swapping spit with another thespian put this dolly in deep doo-doo with her Mecca Maniac homeboys. Why? The other thespian is a dude named Ashmit Patel. That alone is enough to land Meera in hot water, but it gets better: Ashmit is from India and he's a Hindu.
The usual, hard core, Mecca Maniac suspects are in a lather over this international snogging [Brit speak for kissing] between a Mecca Maniac dolly and a Hindu male. They're demanding an apology and a few especially tolerant true believers are spewing death threats. Although Meera refuses to apologize, she's staying out of harm's way, and won't return to her home town unless Pakistani President Musharraf, "guarantees her safety". Wake up and smell the coffee, Meera. Musharraf is hard pressed to guarantee his own safety, so how can you expect him to do better protecting you? Afterthought:
Give 'em hell, darlin, but watch your back. Your homeboys play very, very rough. Brit Korrectniks It's called an "Anti-Social Behavior Order" (Asbo) and it's a tool Bristol's (England) Korrectnik bureaucrats use to repeal a sovereign Brit individual's property rights. Pub owner Leroy Trought got nailed with an Asbo because he named his parking lot "the porking yard" [Yanks would call it "the porking lot"]. The name, he goes on the explain, pays tribute to the area's long history as a home for numerous butcher shops. In those bygone years, the neighborhood was, routinely, called "pork alley", hence the inspiration behind "the porking yard". It's a joke and a damn clever one, but don't try to convince certain whiners or the Korrectnik dweebs who coddle them. Bristol Korrectniks don't give a flaming damn why he named his own property "the porking yard", because resident Mecca Maniacs find the name offensive in the extreme. That's why Bristol's Korrectnik bureaucrats issued a two year Asbo that includes these infringements on his property rights:
With Korrectness running amok in the U.K., you might want to reconsider those travel plans. The U.K. isn't a safe destination for sovereign individuals. This is not a drill. Invisible Mermaids From our 'there's one born every minute' desk, we pass along an epic about invisible, globe-trotting, mermaids. After certain dastardly desperados stole her ride and looted a boatload of Zimbabwean funny money, businesswoman Magrate Mapfumo decided to seek professional help from a popular local musician named Edna Chizema. Playing on Ms. Mapfumo's Shona tribe belief in mermaids and the fishy females' ability to exact vengeance, Ms. Chizema offered - for a mere $5,000 (in dead presidents) - to fly in a quintet of invisible mermaids to settle the score with those dastardly desperados. Knowing a born sucker when she had one on the line, the mermaid wrangler also hit up our heroine for assorted mermaid 'expenses':
All good things come to an and, because, even a sucker like our heroine catches on, eventually. In addition to being an expert on scam artists, now, Ms. Mapfumo is also the star prosecution witness at her mermaid wrangler's trial. At press time, Emma, Charmaine, Sharvine, Bella and the unnamed Arab mermaid were unavailable for comment. Win some, lose some. Anyone Care For A Char-Broiled Pepsi? When Narenda Modi, the Hindu Nationalist chief minister of Gujarat (a state in India), decided to visit Amerika, the state department responded - ever so politely, no doubt - with the diplomatic equivalent of "we don't think so, Scooter". Citing a state department edict that bars visas for 'people responsible for violations of religious freedom' (Star), the Condi Rice cabal said "nope" to a diplomatic visa and revoked Mr. Modi's existing tourist/business visa. In a heartbeat, Narenda protested...Indian Prime Minister Manmohan Singh protested, and Narenda's Hindu homeboys aren't thrilled spitless either. Outraged by the way Uncle Sam dissed their main man, 150 thugs from Narenda's ruling, Hindu nationalist Bharatiya Janata Party invaded a PepsiCo warehouse, set it on fire, then ransacked a nearby PepsiCo office. Far from finished, the mob marched on the Amerikan Consulate in Bombay, but a police contingent stopped them from getting inside. It sounds to this pagan scribbler like Condi's minions made the right call on this dothead clown. Afterthought:
If you plan to visit Gujarat and your preferred beverage is Pepsi, "bring your own" is the order of the day. Bobby Fischer Saga Continues At press time, Bobby still resided in his Sushi Slammer graybar, waiting for some-damn-body to end his graybar tenure. When that bogus - resident foreigner - passport Iceland laid on him, didn't set him free, Bobby seemed destined to rot in his Sushi Slammer cell. Matters grew bleaker for our hero when certain Sushi Slammer officials opined that the only proper resolution to Bobby's graybar tenure involved shipping him back to Uncle Sam for a speedy trial. Alarmed by this turn of events, Bobby's Icelandic supporters persuaded the relevant Committee in Iceland's legislature to approve a measure to grant Fischer Icelandic citizenship. Next week the measure comes up for a vote by the full Icelandic parliament. If Bobby's citizenship is approved, Sushi Slammer officials seem likely to cut him loose. Will Uncle Sam nab this dastardly fugitive, or will Bobby escape Uncle Sam's clutches as an Icelandic citizen? Stay tuned to PIG for the latest news on the continuing adventures of Bobby Fischer. When we know something, we'll pass it along. Bobby Fischer UpdateIceland came through with Bobby's citizenship, so, by the time you read this our hero is out of jail and in his new country, where the greeting from his loyal fans is the only thing that's remotely 'warm'. They didn't name it Iceland, because it's always a balmy 72 degrees in the shade. Canadian Korrectness A terminally-whipped alleged male, Canadian Legicrat Lorenzo Berardinetti, is shocked, shocked I tell you, that Canadian capitalists make womyn pay more than men for certain goods and services. Egged on his by his significant, female, other, Lorenzo is ramming a bill through Ontario's legislature that would amend the prevailing human rights code to make "gender pricing" discriminatory and, therefore, subject to Nanny State retribution. Lorenzo in headed for a long ovedue reality check. When this bill finally passes, the marketplace reaction won't be lower in prices for womyn's dry cleaning, hair dos, and the like. Instead, dry cleaners, barbers, et al will make men pay more, for these gender-neutralized goods and services. File this with your other, unintended consequences epics. Today's Go Figure Moment Believe it or not, Spain's foremost Mecca Maniacs just issued a fatwa (an Islamic, religiously-inspired bitch slap) on - drum roll please - Osama bin Laden. Yes, Sparky...that Osama bin Laden. The Islamic Commission of Spain's holy hammering includes the following prose:
PIG is stunned...to say the least, that, finally, at least one Islamic cabal in good standing stood up and laid a long overdue smack down on Osama. "Go figure" is a gross understatement, in this case. International News Nuggets Kota Bahru, Malaysia This isn't the first time the Mecca Maniacs running the state tried to impose Mecca Mania by government fiat. Previously, they banned gambling, banned sales of adult beverages to Mecca Maniacs and tried to impose Islamic law on all Keltantan denizens. None of these edicts lasted long, since Malaysia's federal constitution specifically prevents such governmental abuses. The lesson here is one worth mentioning: When you put foaming at the mouth supernaturalism-espousing fundamentalists in positions of political authority, this kind of coerced, morality by government decree is the inevitable result. Hyderbad, India Until the ratio gets much, much worse, and millions of Dothead dudes are unable to find a bride who will help them carry on the family name, India's male-obsessed majority won't wake up and smell the 'no females means no kids' coffee. Since this Dothead cultural wound is self-inflicted, don't hold your breath expecting any sympathy from this pagan scribbler. Afterthought: Korrectnik Lunacy - International Division The instruction manuals for the 2,000 IKEA items that require illustrated, how to, information only show men or cartoon figures of undetermined gender putting the furniture together. Since IKEA has a worldwide market that includes many "men are men and you're not" outposts of alleged manhood, the company decided to play it safe with their instructions, by refraining from showing females performing the tasks. Although this seems utterly sensible to this pagan scribbler, Prime Minister Bondevik deems it intolerable and fully intends to make IKEA pay for their egregious incorrectness, some-damn-how. France France's National Library ran afoul of Surrender Monkey Smoke Nazi law when they decided to use a photo of Monsieur Sartre to publicize their exhibition celebrating the 100th anniversary of Jean-Paul Sartre's birth. Finding a suitable photo posed an especially pesky problem for Surrender Monkey Korrectniks since virtually all the photos taken of Monsieur Sartre show him with a cigarette or a pipe. Eventually, reality gave way to Korrectness when exhibition officials airbrushed the cancer stick out of a famous photo of the honoree. We don't call zee frogs "Surrender Monkey" frivolously. When the National Library surrendered historical accuracy to Korrectness without a fight, protest, or whimper, they lived down to our lower than whale excrement expectations. PIG is compelled to wonder what Monsieur Sartre would say about his countrymen's asinine antics. It's safe to assume he wouldn't suffer this indignity in silence. FEBRUARY 2005
Today's Go Figure Moment Source: Reuters [03/11] Believe it or not, Spain's foremost Mecca Maniacs just issued a fatwa (an Islamic, religiously-inspired bitch slap) on - drum roll please - Osama bin Laden. Yes, Sparky...that Osama bin Laden. The Islamic Commission of Spain's holy hammering includes the following prose:
PIG is stunned...to say the least, that, finally, at least one Islamic cabal in good standing stood up and laid a long overdue smack down on Osama. "Go figure" is a gross understatement, in this case. International News Nuggets Kota Bahru, Malaysia This isn't the first time the Mecca Maniacs running the state tried to impose Mecca Mania by government fiat. Previously, they banned gambling, banned sales of adult beverages to Mecca Maniacs and tried to impose Islamic law on all Keltantan denizens. None of these edicts lasted long, since Malaysia's federal constitution specifically prevents such governmental abuses. The lesson here is one worth mentioning: When you put foaming at the mouth supernaturalism-espousing fundamentalists in positions of political authority, this kind of coerced, morality by government decree is the inevitable result. Hyderbad, India Until the ratio gets much, much worse, and millions of Dothead dudes are unable to find a bride who will help them carry on the family name, India's male-obsessed majority won't wake up and smell the 'no females means no kids' coffee. Since this Dothead cultural wound is self-inflicted, don't hold your breath expecting any sympathy from this pagan scribbler. Afterthought Korrectnik Lunacy - International Division
Since IKEA has a worldwide market that includes many "men are men and you're not" outposts of alleged manhood, the company decided to play it safe with their instructions, by refraining from showing females performing the tasks. Although this seems utterly sensible to this pagan scribbler, Prime Minister Bondevik deems it intolerable and fully intends to make IKEA pay for their egregious incorrectness, some-damn-how. France France's National Library ran afoul of Surrender Monkey Smoke Nazi law when they decided to use a photo of Monsieur Sartre to publicize their exhibition celebrating the 100th anniversary of Jean-Paul Sartre's birth. Finding a suitable photo posed an especially pesky problem for Surrender Monkey Korrectniks since virtually all the photos taken of Monsieur Sartre show him with a cigarette or a pipe. Eventually, reality gave way to Korrectness when exhibition officials airbrushed the cancer stick out of a famous photo of the honoree. We don't call zee frogs "Surrender Monkey" frivolously. When the National Library surrendered historical accuracy to Korrectness without a fight, protest, or whimper, they lived down to our lower than whale excrement expectations. PIG is compelled to wonder what Monsieur Sartre would say about his countrymen's asinine antics. It's safe to assume he wouldn't suffer this indignity in silence. Fist City In Britain Billed as young woman with 'the voice of an angel', Welsh chanteuse Charlotte Church is also devilishly proficient with her fists. Life took a thrilling turn for Charlotte when, after reading that her ex-boyfriend told a fishwrap all about their horizontal endeavors, she encountered the blabbermouthed rat in a Brit eatery. Determined to express her opinion of his babbling about their most intimate moments, Charlotte was far from angelic when she "walloped" her ex-boyfriend and proceeded to beat the snot out of him. According to one eyewitness, Charlotte "went berserk", paving the way for a new billing: Sings like an angel, fights like the devil. You go, girl! Hillary Does India Comrade Hillary's junket to India included a chat with dothead business and political leaders, during which she expressed her unwavering support for exporting Amerikan jobs to the dothead homeland. Although she admits the damage outsourcing does to Amerikan workers, Comrade Hillary insists that Amerika's homegrown, outsourcing critics need to see the "big picture". I'm game if you are, so let's take a look at Comrade Hillary's big picture:
Somebody needs to remind Comrade Hillary that "displaced" Amerikan workers, not job-stealing dotheads, are the ones who get to give her that long overdue reality check on that fateful election day. Rampaging Iranian Hormones Iran's supernaturalist "hard-liners" have their turbans in a twist because, during a recent, especially momentous, date on their holy day calender - Ashura - young Iranian men and women mingled freely and - gasp - flirted...with each other, in public. They're shocked, shocked, I tell you:
Even in supernaturalist-dominated Iran, boys will be boys, girls will be girls and when they get together Mother Nature rules the day. Try as they might, Iran's Mecca Maniac fanatics can't eradicate human biology. Old Ka-Boom himself tried that and failed spectacularly, when he went toe-to-toe with Mother Nature over Adam and Eve. That's why I'm betting heavily on Mother Nature to crush these anal retentive Iranian supernaturalists. Wailing Wall Outrage Actress Natalie Portman helped her Israeli homeboys achieve orbital velocity when she dared to - gasp - perpetrate a 'kissing scene' within spitting distance of the fabled, majorly-sacred to Torah True Believers, Wailing Wall. According to certain unnamed, informed, individuals, the film makers perpetrating an Israeli-directed flick, "Free Zone", didn't jump through all the relevant hoops before lensing the controversial smooch "in a car park next to the wailing wall". Determined to set the film's director, Amos Gitai, straight, a handy dandy mob quickly showed the film crew the error of its ways and persuaded them to flee for their lives. Eventually, Mr. Gitai smoothed enough ruffled, Israeli, feathers to get the scene completed, at the same site. The mutually agreed upon solution involved filming the smooch scene at an hour when the Torah True Believer mob wouldn't be there to demonstrate the tolerance for which all true believers are so infamous. Afterthought Bobby Fischer Update Iceland's legislature didn't grant Bobby Fischer citizenship, but Fischer's Icelandic fans did succeed in getting the government to grant him something called "a special foreigner's passport" that might get him liberated from the Sushi Slammer graybar. According to this Sushi Slammer fishwrap, this special passport isn't a complete waste:
At press time, the relevant Sushi Slammer authorities were waiting for the official paperwork to arrive from Iceland, before they decide what, if anything, to do about our pal Bobby. When PIG hears anything, we'll pass the breaking news along through the usual channels, so stay tuned. Tattletale Sweater Puppies A sex researcher in the D-Cup homeland (Italy) insists that he can predict a woman's personality, and sexual proclivity, based on the size and shape of her sweater puppies. In case someone asks at the trial, this horndog's name is Piero Lorenzoni, and he's one very twisted puppy. We're left to imagine how he conducted his cutting edge research, but we're not left in the dark when it comes to his results. Piero suggests a horoscope like chart that likens the sweater puppies to the fruit they most closely resemble:
Based on the his sexual assessment of the aforementioned sweater puppy categories, I'm guessing that Piero struck out, spectacularly, with most of them, especially melons, oranges and grapefruits. A tit-obsessed Italian dude? How, exactly, do they say "Well, duh" in Italian. A Royal No Show Queen Elizabeth II won't be aiming her prune-faced, perpetual, scowl at the happy couple when her baby boy, Prince Charles, marries his main squeeze, Camilla Parker Bowles on April 8. According to one royal spokeshole, the Queen wants to do her bit to keep the wedding 'low key'. If, like this pagan scribbler, Prince Charles remembers his mommy's dour expression during his nuptials with Princess Di, he probably won't miss her one damn bit. That laughter coming from the celestial realm is the eternally yummy Princess Di laughing her ass off at the shambles Prince Charles is making of his wedding to Di's arch rival, Camilla. A Brit Nanny State Adventure Brit Health Nazis Emerilized Nanny State tyranny, geometrically, when they invaded a family's home and forcibly, removed a 23 year old Brit named Chris Leppard, because he has a, potentially, life threatening addiction to food. Tipping the scales at a meager 434 pounds (31 stone, in Brit-speak), Chris - and his parents - is aware of his problem and he's taking steps to deal with a no-shit, incurable condition called 'Prader-Willi Syndrome'. This malady screws up Chris's internal 'wiring' in a way that prevents him from sensing when his stomach is full, so, unless he monitors his food intake carefully, he could, literally, eat himself to death. Does Chris's malady justify the Nanny State's actions? No way, Sparky. Does it justify them yanking a distraught Chris from his home and throwing him into a mental hospital? Not no, but hell goddamn no. This terminally-tyrannical, Brit, bovine excrement takes "saving an individual from himself" to undreamed of levels. What's next on their agenda? Are they going to round up smokers and throw them into mental institutions? What about those whose intake of adult beverages exceeds some petty bureaucratic tyrant's notion of 'social drinking'? Are they doomed to spend weeks, months, years, or a lifetime in a mental hospital because some job for life asshat declared a drinker's personal preferences a danger to the imbiber's health? The job for life Health Nazi asshats are the ones with the problem. They're the ones who deserve a rubber room and a straitjacket, until they 'get it' when it comes to inalienable individual liberty. FREE CHRIS. FREE CHRIS. FREE CHRIS... Mother Nature Sighting In Hong Kong Mother Nature got a case of the cutes while visiting Hong Kong, when she arranged for a "huge" branch from the city's fabled "Lucky Tree" to fall on a venerable dude and a four year old who were seeking a good luck infusion from the revered woody perennial. According to local myth, anyone seeking a "good luck" fix tosses oranges at the venerable tree, trying to make the aforementioned citrus 'hook onto the tree's branches'. In this particular instance, the tree - egged on my that wacky Mother Nature no doubt - rewarded the pair by dropping a large branch on them. And how was your day? This Week's Top Ten Korrectnik Moment Brit passport officials made PIG's Korrectnik asshat top ten when they refused to give a 9 month old baby named Lewis Barnes a passport because - we swear we're not making this up - young Lewis was bare chested in the photo his parents provided. The merest glimpse of young Lewis's pecs might put denizens from "fanatical religious countries" in a lather and we can't have that, a bureaucratic Brit peabrain opined. Adding a final irony to this celebrated Korrectnik epic is this stop the presses fact: the hotbed of fundamentalist supernaturalism and pious purity the Barnes family wants to visit is...Greece. Those Wacky Hindus New Delhi (India) based Hindu nationalists 'celebrated' Valentine's Day by torching Valentine's Day cards and posters, because this pernicious Western pestilence "is against Hindu culture and corrupts India's youth". (Sun-Sentinel). The Hindu nationalist group perpetrating these fiery festivities, the Shiv Sena, wants to scuttle India's 'secular, multi-religious' national identity and impose a strictly Hindu fundamentalism on India's sovereign individuals, instead. Big, big fun. So far, India's rational adults continue to ignore these Hindu nationalist wingnuts. I'm guessing that a rousing "amen" from the Shiv Sena congregation is not forthcoming. Sandbox Morality The Sandbox (Saudi Arabia) morality police are on high alert to prevent Sandbox denizens from - gasp - defiling 'the kingdom' with that pernicious Great Satan pestilence: Valentine's Day. This year, the Committee for the Promotion of Virtue and Prevention of Vice - the infamous "mutawwaeen" - is painting an "enemy of Islam" bull's-eye on flower shops selling red roses, and/or any other red flower. Red roses! Have these Sandbox flower hucksters no shame? I'm shocked, shocked, I tell you. The Sandbox morality police's antics demonstrate why supernaturalism, when taken to its illogical extreme, is inalienable individual liberty's mortal enemy. Will an Amerikan version of 'The Committee for the Promotion of Virtue and Prevention of Vice' start keeping your town free from sinful secularism? You better damn believe it, rigidly righteous, red state Sparky. Brits Crack Down On Immigration Finding the pressure from Brit citizens too much for him, Prime Minister Tony Blair served up a new immigration policy aimed at stemming the immigrant tide that's making the U.K. suck so majorly. Unlike 'let everybody in' W, the Brits are making sense, for a change. Don't take my word for it, consider the following Tony Blair proposals to clean up the Brit immigration mess:
Kudos to Tony Blair for, belatedly, taking meaningful steps to bring the Brit immigration system under control. I don't suppose there's any way we could get him to trade jobs with W, so he could work the same magic on our immigration disaster...Hmm. Maybe if we gave the Brits W, Rumsfield, Condi and two draft picks? Imagine Meeting You Here! After a three month cyber courtship between a man who called himself "Adnan" and a woman who called herself "Jamila", the budding cyber romance careened off the rails, when the cyber lovers met face-to-face. The Jordanian cyber canoodlers went from love, to 'when can we get married', and seemed headed for wedded bliss, until they arranged to meet, for the first time. That fateful meeting near the Zarqa bus depot, is where things came to a screaming - literally - halt when Adnan, whose real name is Bakr Melhem, finally laid eyes his new love and discovered that his beloved Jamila is, in actual fact his not so beloved - estranged - wife, Sanaa.
And how was your day? French What? The News Max headline stopped me dead in my tracks: "French Fighters Captured with Iraqi Terrorists". "French fighters" is the ultimate oxymoron. "French" and "fighters" are fundamentally incompatible terms that never belong in close proximity with each other. If you need a brief timeout to cope with this concept, I feel your pain. News Max reports that the three Surrender Monkey nationals got nabbed by Uncle Sam's troops when our forces kicked terrorist asshat butt in Fallujah, last November. The fact that these three 'heroes' managed to get captured alive and well while Zarkawi's zealots fought to the death tells what Paul Harvey calls "the rest of the story". "French Fighters"? I way don't think so, where's my white flag Sparky. Banned In Milan The bureaucrats infesting Italy's 'advertising watchdog', IAP, are determined to prevent some dastardly capitalist from giving true believers a boo-boo on their fragile psyche. That's why the Nanny State nitwits in Milan black flagged a billboard ad, claiming Marithe et Francois Girbaud fashion house's all female parody of da Vinci's Last Supper might offend Italy's Cross Cultists.
Are Italian Cross Cultists humor-challenged? If they're anything like their fundamentalist, Amerikan cousins, the answer is, probably, 'yes'. Learn something new every day. The Vast Wisdom Of Bobby Fischer Career wingnut, and fugitive from justice, chess chump Bobby Fischer, continues to languish in his Sushi Slammer cell, while Japanese officials mull his fate. Unwilling to set him free and equally unwilling to turn him over to Uncle Sam, the officials dither, while Bobby...burns. Those who obsess on such trivia will need to know that Bobby incurred Uncle Sam's official ire - not to mention a U.S. grand jury indictment - in 1992 for playing chess in Yugoslavia. At the time, this pest hole was under economic sanctions due to an Executive Order perpetrated by Bush I. Bobby has been ducking the long arm of Amerikan law ever since. Fast forward to the present and Bobby is sharing his wisdom from his graybar accommodation during an interview with a boom box outlet in the Phillippines. Just for fun, here are some pearls of Bobby Fischer wisdom from that interview: Bobby Assails His Sushi Slammer Graybar Accommodations:
Bobby Lets Fly At Uncle Sam:
The interview ended abruptly when Bobby opined that Japan's fearless leader, Koizumi, is "a war criminal" who deserved a classic Amerikan send off: the infamous necktie party. Bobby Fischer is a relentlessly 'fun' dude. Afterthought JANUARY 2005
Sandbox Hate Mongers Source: Washington Times [01/29] According to the human rights cabal, Freedom House, the Saudi government sent hate-mongering, religious tracts to mosques throughout the United States. Among other things, these Saudi missives urge Mecca Maniacs to hate the differently-religious and told Mecca Maniac purists to kill any Mecca Maniac who strays from Islamic orthodoxy. All the items in question bear 'the official seal of a [Saudi] government department emblazoned on the cover' (Washington Times). Promoting a fundamentalist Mecca Maniac ethos called Wahhabism, this Sand Box (Saudi Arabia) hate literature is a thrill a minute:
Freedom House found this Sandbox hate prose in a dozen stateside mosques and Islamic Centers including: Hell-A, Dallas, Oakland (Mexifornia), Houston, Chicago, NYC, D.C., plus the Institute of Islamic and Arabic Sciences in Fairfax (Virginia). Apparently, in addition to their egregiously expensive oil, Uncle Sam's Sandbox pals also export fifth century, 'if it ain't Mecca Maniac kill it' fundamentalism. If this hate prose is part of their asking price for the black gold we import, the cost - our inalienable individual liberty itself - is much too high. Thanks, but no thanks, Sandbox asshats. More Mexican Malaise When Uncle Sam issued a travel advisory to Amerikan citizens planning a visit to certain Mexican border areas, the official Mexican whiner, Interior Secretary Santiago Creel, went publically postal over this blatant Gringo insult to the sombrero stomping homeland. Creel's hyperventilating hysteria ignores the facts cited by the Uncle Sam's State Department and U.S. Ambassador to Mexico, Tony Garza:
A turf war between rival Mexican drug cartels makes the border region a shooting gallery, not to mention an unnecessary risk. The brunt of the violence falls on Mexican citizens, but, Amerikan citizens are far from immune since kidnaping and murdering Gringo visitors is all too common. Sombrero stomping whiner, Santiago Creel, bellows his outrage any time a border jumping scumbag stubs his toe in Arizona, but this clown thinks Uncle Sam is picking on poor, peaceful, Mexico when our officials warn Amerikans about the inherent, all too real, dangers that lurk across our southern border. Santiago, amigo, take your goddamn medication like a good boy. Don't make me remind you again. Cellidiocy - Italian Style Medical practitioners in the D-Cup Heartland (Italy) warn that too much cellidiot text messaging might give cell punks 'tendinitis'. They're especially worried about 'the children' who will text message themselves into an orthopaedic infirmity. I'm guessing, like all those other dire warning about cell phone use, that this will be proven wrong. But, until that happens, I plan to enjoy this moment, for as long as it lasts. I am trying - without any measurable success - to see some downside here. Cellidiots with tendinitis means cellidiots less likely to annoy me with this technological pestilence. Even if the infirmity doesn't prevent them from perpetrating their annoying, communications intrusion into my life, I am still left with a smile on my face, every time one of these cellidiots winces when he, she, or it, aggravates his condition. That Old Time Religion Is Alive And Will In Israel Certain Israeli legicrats of the female persuasion went publically postal after Rabbi Eliyahu Abergil - head of the rabbinical court in Beersheba - issued a ritual ruling that banned women from wearing red, because red is the color of hookers. The outraged hackettes were so steamed they gave this Rabbi a dose of 'in your face, clown' by wearing red to parliament.
Give him hell, darlin. If the dude has a brain-fart about red, nobody is forcing him to wear it. File this under: Get over yourself, Rabbi, dude. Yankee Go Home? A mushrooming, South Korean denizen, throng is 'up to here' with Amerika. This is especially true in Incheon, where a statue of General Douglas MacArthur is targeted by this clamoring, Amerika-hating mob. It's bad enough - they thunder - that Doug's venerable bronze statue and the 16-foot cement slab on which its mounted are in Freedom Park, but, the statue's inscription is uncool for school in 2005's new political reality:
Blessed with short memories, South Korea's 'born after the war' denizens blame Uncle Sam for keeping North Korea and South Korea apart. Citing the inscription's commie-bashing, cold war era, rhetoric as the smoking gun, these myopic wingnuts insist that dastardly Uncle Sam is too hard on militantly-Marxist North Korea and the insane tyrant who rules it. The prevailing Yankee Go Home brainfart presumes that, if Uncle Sam would go the hell away - taking Doug's statue with him, no doubt - relations between the two Koreas would get nifty in a heartbeat. If South Korea wants us to abandon the country to its fate, that can be arranged. But, when North Korea's reigning asshat invades South Korea, these South Korean, Yankee Go Home, cretins can't come whimpering to Uncle Sam, expecting him to rescue them, again. Been there, done that, ungrateful Lotus Clan dolts. This time around, you're on your own. You scripted this Yankee Go Home hell, so it's beyond fair that you burn in it. Class Warfare, Brit Style Brit hacks are poised to Emerilize class warfare with a bill that would impose a "from each according to his ability" standard on the fines imposed for various infractions. Under this proposed system, fines would no longer be fixed. Instead, the fine you pay depends, primarily, on how deep your pockets are.
If you think this soak the rich scheme is big fun, hang onto your hat, because the same bill requires judges to 'take into account the availability of prison places when deciding punishment' (Telegraph). In other words, "You really shouldn't have murdered your whole neighborhood, scumbag, but, since we're booked solid in our graybars, you're free to go." That's gotta thrill law abiding Brits spitless. International News Nuggets North Korean Korrectness
If long hair shaves points off your I.Q., that goes a long way towards explaining Randy Moss's asinine antics. Must See T.V.
Inexplicably, it took the relevant airport officials 20 minutes to shut off the porn flick. As much as I might enjoy speculating about the reasons for this delay, I'll refrain, because PIG News is a 'PG' endeavor. The sacrifices I make for my craft...[sigh]. Runs In The Family A Canadian cop had a day to remember when he ticketed twin sisters for speeding in the same car, on the same road, on the same day. He bagged sister number one in the morning, doing a blazing 96mph then bagged sister number two later in the day doing a mere 92mph. Am I the only one who didn't know that a lead foot is genetic? Go figure. Brit Bureaucratic Brain-Fart The Brit Nanny State steamroller is "thisclose" to lowering the bureaucratic boom on a south London pestilence: professional dog walkers. Herding 20 yelping mutts at a time, these urban 'terrorists' scare the knickers off toddlers, and seniors, with their unruly canine hordes. Alarmed hacks on the Wandsworth council are poised to exact regulatory retribution:
As fun as this sounds, it gets much better:
I can't be the only one who smells city coffers enrichment at dog walkers - and by extension, dog owners - expense. Aussie Street Justice Two Aussie muggers who battered and robbed an Adelaide (Australia) dude Saturday night, got well-deserved taste of street justice when at least 5 onlookers took after them. One mugger, a 17-year-old, panicked so completely that he rang up the cops, pleading with them to rescue him from the people chasing after him. Bold new concept. Nobody's fools, the Adelaide cops sorted out the facts, then made the muggers an offer they didn't dare refuse. The punks deemed civic accommodations much safer, under the circumstances, since the graybar offered them a safe, outraged-onlooker free, haven. Book 'em, Dano. Nanny State Lunacy Down Under In their headlong zeal to stamp out noise pollution, the hacks running Brimbank City (located near Melbourne, Australia) decreed that henceforth vacuuming after 10pm is a crime against civic quietude. Other fine-inviting, noise-polluting, common household noise sources cited in this asinine edict include: swimming pool and/or spa pumps, air conditioning systems and hot water systems.
Based on these hefty fines, any sounds that break Brimback City's golden...silence...are very enriching, for the city's coffers. What's next on this Aussie liberty blight's agenda? Will they try to ticket Mother Nature for thunder and/or any breeze over 5mph? Enquiring minds want to know. Afterthoughts Dothead Dolly Vigilantes Up to 'here' with a justice system that makes snails look like speed demons, Dothead Dolly mobs are dispensing "street justice" on rapists and other marauding asshats. Over the past few months, several angry Dothead Dolly incidents have badasses feeling like walking bull's-eyes, in the Dothead heartland. Incident 1
Incident 2
Incident 3
India's laws are so screwed that it's harder to nail a rapist than it is to defend the woman (or women) for killing the bastard:
It's open season on rapist asshats in the Dothead heartland. Call me names if that floats your boat, because Dothead Dolly street justice works just fine for this pagan scribbler. How, exactly, does "what goes around, comes around" translate into Hindi? |
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•
PIG PLEDGE •
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Pledge Allegiance To The Way Cool Dudes That Founded The Free State Of PIG Because PIG Is The Place That Gets In Your Face Regardless Of Gender Orientation Or Race |
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