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PIG
NEWS ARCHIVE
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A
Compelling Harassment Epic
Source: AP When a Lee County (Florida) bureaucrat got caught playing horizontal bingo with her boss, Lee County Appraiser Ken Wilkenson in Spring 2002, she quit her job then sued, claiming he dumped her when the News Nazis started reporting their trysts. Pissed - and then some - she played sexual harassment roulette, claiming that he manipulated her into boinking him, then forced her into resigning when the bovine excrement hit the fan. Settling out of court, the horndog shelled out $35,000 in 'go away' money...$10,000 for her, the rest for her shyster. In addition, he got her a new government job, under a new boss. Fast forward to the present...The woman and her boss are back in the fishwraps:
Tragically - shoddy journalism rears its ugly head - we're left with an inevitable question. Is our heroine, Julie, horizontally gifted in the extreme, or simply the only female who ever found this loser - Wilkerson - a suitable sexual playmate? Enquiring minds want to know. Afterthoughts Terrors
Of Drive Thru Technology Fast food junkies getting their fix at a Troy, Michigan Burger King are hearing more than 'order please' coming from the drive thru squawk box. Thanks to some clever teenagers, the drive thru speaker is no longer under Burger King's control, not after these teenage pranksters tapped into Burger King's wireless frequency.
This is funny stuff, but Burger King isn't laughing over this terrors of technology outbreak in their own backyard. Were these pranksters inspired? You better believe it, do you want fries with that Sparky. Burger
King Squawk Box Update Burger King officials aren't the only ones who want to catch the drive-up squawk box pranksters. The FCC dispatched a signal detection truck to help nab the pesky lads, but it might all be in vain, since the pranksters are smart enough to stay off the air, until their hunters get bored and give up. Stay tuned for more thrilling updates on this terrors of technology epic. It's
Never Too Late To Say 'I'm Sorry'? A Lone Star State cross cult cabal - The Tarrant Baptist Association - voted, unanimously, to apologize for slavery, a no shit 'better late than never' endeavor. Their resolution prods Mexas (Texas) state Educrats to impose a history of slavery requirement on Mexas cess-school inmates. Big fun. You can bet the proverbial farm that this course bull's-eyes Amerika, exclusively, and whitewashes Sand Rat slavery - it lasted longer and enslaved more individuals - plus it won't say a word about Africans enslaving other Africans...right damn now...today! Korrect to the max? Oh hell yes. Afterthought
Show
Me State Toll Booth Adventure When a Missouri cross cult cabal - The Life Christian Center - got a personal appearance from a dude claiming to be the cross dude himself, the toll booth's padre told the agitated 'savior' to hit the road because he hadn't scheduled his Sunday morning visit ahead of time. Unwilling - unable? - to smite these unfriendly holy rollers for this chilly reception, the visitor got their undivided attention...big damn time...when he drove his car through the toll booth's front doors. Local authorities offered this persistent visitor their special cross dude suite in the gray bar hotel, so it's safe to assume the toll booth isn't 'turning the other cheek', this time. I'm guessing a heartfelt 'amen' from this Missouri congregation is also out of the question. I can live with that. Emerilizing the
Gay Marriage Debate
Source: AP The Massachusetts high court Emerilized their recent gay marriage ruling today, waking up the family values Nazis with a resounding 'bam'. Annoyed - to put it mildly - by the state's legicratic dithering, the justices amplified their initial ruling - big damn time - launching the family values storm troopers, from sea-to-shining-sea, into orbit, in the process. '...[the high court] ruled Wednesday that only full, equal marriage rights for gay couples - rather than civil unions - would be constitutional, erasing any doubts that the nation's first same-sex marriages would take place in the state beginning in mid-May...' (AP) Hold onto your hats, loyal readers. The fun is just getting started. Tax Revolt Last August, faced with a whopping deficit and incapable of making the necessary cuts, Oregon legicrats nailed state taxpayers with an eye-popping $800 million dollar tax increase. It's safe to report that this scheme didn't thrill Oregon citizens spitless. Manning the tax revolt barricades, outraged citizens put an tax repealing initiative on the ballot so fast it made hack heads spin. The votes just got tabulated and the results aren't going to make the legicrats' day: '...With 95 percent of precincts reporting early Wednesday, the measure was failing 59 percent to 41 percent. Rejection of the tax package automatically triggers $544 million in spending cuts on May 1...' (CNN) Kudos to Oregon citizens for slapping down their free-spending hacks. In a perfect world, other taxed into poverty Amerikans would emulate your sterling example. If only...but I'm not convinced that the rest of this nation has your gumption. Super Bowl Victory Riots Honoring a recent tradition, football crazed Northeastern University punks staged a victory riot last Sunday, an event that sent local hacks on a frantic search for someone to blame. Before the dust settled, Mayor Menino decreed - in record time - that liquor stores were the villains. Big fun, but two pesky facts don't support this finger-pointing hack's contention. '...several of the stores nearest to Northeastern University shut down within a half hour of the game's kickoff Sunday night...' (Globe) In 2002 there was a similar, Super Bowl riot, and back then liquor stores couldn't open on Sunday. Unwilling - unable - to track down the guilty individuals, hacks beat up on business owners, instead. If you look up 'assclown' in your dictionary, you'll find Mayor Menino's mug shot. A Mexas Recall Fiasco Saturday, Kingsville (Mexas) voters rushed to the polls and recalled three city officials, but a catch-22 might delay their 'good riddance' celebration until May. The city's defrocked mayor and his two city commission cohorts admit that they've been 'untimely ripped' from office, but aren't anywhere close to emptying out their desks. For that thrilling Paul Harvey Moment, we need to cite the CBS boob tube affiliate in Corpus Christi: '...[Defrocked Mayor] Castillo says the secretary of state's office has advised him to stay until he's replaced with an election. Critics say an election can't be held until May, and the officials should leave office as soon as a canvass of votes is finished in about a week...' Although a shyster drama seems inevitable, this pagan must remind his readers that we're talking about Mexas, a state that takes the 'right to keep and bear arms' very damn seriously. Armed and dangerous? You better believe it, Second Amendment Sparky. Zero Tolerance In Minneapolis When Minneapolis Mayor R. T. Rybak left his car running at the curb - unattended, the local men in blue noted it, but decided not to risk involuntary leisure status - paganese for getting fired - by issuing him a citation. No shit business as usual in virtually every city, burg or wide spot in the road, this badge packer response is hardly breaking news. That all changed when the new police chief, Bill McManus, heard about the Mayors unticketed infraction. Faster than a badge packer doughnut run, the new Chief takes matters into his own hands and issues his boss a citation. Bold new concept. According to this fishwrap, the Mayor and Chief discussed it, agreed that the Chief did the right thing and let the matter drop. Yeah, right, but I'm betting the Mayor will get his pound of flesh, down the road, when the Chief comes hat in hand, needing some Mayoral largesse. Payback is a bitch, Chief...Live carefully...Live very carefully. Corporate Welfare Fiasco Meyer Packaging narrowly eluded capitalist oblivion, last August, when the feds served up $6 million in dead presidents worth of loan guarantees to keep the firm operating. The 70 Meyer employees applauded this taxpayer funded fiscal lifeline, but they're probably wondering what the hell happened, now that the plant closed anyway. That's right, corporate welfare fans, Meyer closed it's doors, leaving the U.S. Department of Agriculture on the hook for $4.5 million and the Small Business Administration holding $1.5 million in defaulted loans. When the dust finally settled, and federal officials finished cleaning loan default egg from their faces, the firm's real problems slither out into the open. Meyer Packaging closed, 'because many of their corporate customers moved jobs overseas and packaging went with them'. That sounds right to this pagan, but it's doubtful - in the extreme - that company bean counters didn't know this when they accepted the guaranteed loans. It's always thrilling to watch the feds squander 'our' money so eagerly, with such mind-numbing stupidity. We are profoundly unamused. MARCH
2004
Navy Declares War On John Q. Public
Source: Boston Globe [3/27] From our no good deed goes unpunished desk, we have this cautionary tale about a man, a wrecked plane and heavy-handed federal bureaucrats. Our saga begins in 1990, when a citizen fished a WWII era Navy Corsair from the North Carolina swamp where it languished, unlamented, unwanted since 1944. Taking the wreckage to his Minnesota domicile, he registered it as a 'non airworthy' aircraft with the FAA, then began the slow, painful process of putting the venerable aircraft back together. Ten plus years later, he's still at it, but far from finished. The way things now stand, he might never get the chance to finish his labor of love. You see, the Navy, belatedly, decided it wants the damn thing back. '...Last
week, the U.S. Justice Department, acting
as an agent for the Navy, filed a lawsuit
in Minneapolis seeking the plane, the
cost of returning it and compensation
for ''any damage to or alteration of''
the aircraft since Cralley dug it out
of the swamp...' (Boston Globe)
U.S. Attorney General, John Assclown and his Justice Department goons want the plane back and they want it right damn now, but they're not willing to tell this citizen why. Since John Q. Public has no chance in hell of beating Assclown and his law degree packing Gestapo, I strongly suggest that the citizen put the plane on a truck, drive back to the swamp where he found it and dump it back into the muck were the god damn feds can do their own dirty work. Doesn't the Navy and the so-called Justice Department have better things to do than hammer a citizen? If this plane is so damn important, why did you ignore it for nearly four decades? If this plane is so vital to national security, why didn't you federal asshats pull the damn thing from the swamp when the Navy 'stripped the downed aircraft of its weapons and other equipment before leaving it' (Globe) in 1944? You had your shot at this thing and blew it so butt the hell out. Don't make me come over there, John. Devilish Details Source: USA Today [3/23] This fishwrap's hit piece on media giant, Clear Channel, uses corporate and executive political donations to indict the firm for blatant, pro-elephant clan bias. Alarmed scribblers, breathlessly, report the following 'facts': '...[Clear
Channel executives] have given $42,200
to Bush, vs. $1,750 to likely Democratic
nominee John Kerry in the 2004 race.
'...executives
and Clear Channel's political action committee
gave 77% of their $334,501 in federal
contributions to Republicans. That's a
bigger share than any other entertainment
company, says the non-partisan Center
for Responsive Politics. In contrast,
Viacom (VIA) [CBS, Infinity, etc] executives
and its political action committee gave
just 30% of their $545,650 to Republican
candidates...' (USA Today)
You don't need to be Einstein to smell the rancid spin when this fishwrap's scribblers present Viacom's data: "30% of their $545,600". This spin doctored prose attempts to distract the casual reader from the fun fact that 70% of Viacom's political contributions went to the donkey clan. This fishwrap's spin also glosses over the fact that Viacom's contribution was larger - Viacom gave $545,650, compared to Clear Channel's paltry $334,501. Why didn't USA Today report that the donkey clan raked in $381,955 [70% of $545,600] from Viacom, while the elephant clan only got $257,565 [77% of $334,501] from Clear Channel? I'm sure it slipped their minds. This spin doctored fishwrap spew demonstrates that the devil is always in the details, but you gotta dig through the bovine excrement to find them. Humor Challenged in West Virginia Source: Daily Press (Hampton Roads, Virginia) [3/22] West Virginia Governor Bob Wise is as mad as hell at Abercrombie & Fitch and he's not going to tolerate their West Virginia bashing antics a moment longer. His political hack panties are in a bunch over an A&F T-shirt that reads: "It's All Relative In West Virginia". Outraged, this hack shot off an letter, demanding an apology: "...I
write to you today to demand that you
immediately remove this item from your
stores and your print and online catalogues.
In addition, these shirts must be destroyed
at once to avoid any possibility of resale
and proof be given thereof."
'...Wise
called the T-shirt an "offensive item"
that "subjects our youth to unsubstantiated
and false impressions of West Virginia."
"Indeed, such a depiction of West Virginians
undermines our collective efforts to communicate
a positive representation of the spirit
and values of our citizens," the governor
wrote...' (Daily Press).
Although a shade less colorful than 'bite me', Abercrombie and Fitch's response reveals that A&F isn't ready to dump this popular item. The firm's attitude is clear: If a humor-challenged dolt like Bob Wise doesn't like the T-shirt, he shouldn't buy one. No doubt, A&F executives must wonder how a dude with no sense of humor got elected governor, a burning question that occurred to this pagan, too. Are West Virginians ignorant, inbred hillbillies? Let's examine the relevant facts: They selected blithering Bobby Byrd to be their Senator and Bob 'far from' Wise as their governor, so, the "ignorant, inbred hillbillies" notion is still in play. I'll let somebody else explain this to West Virginia's brain-dead Bobs. Stem Cell Stupidity Source: Reuters [3/17] More true believer chickens came home to roost, thanks to W's supernaturalist-inspired stem cell research ban. When the Pentagon needed stem cell based research to address illnesses caused by battlefield toxins, the Amerikan military took it's $240,000 to Sweden. The resulting research grant specifies Parkinson's disease research since its pathology closely resembles effects caused by battlefield toxins. Amerikan Parkinson sufferers must be thrilled spitless that W places his supernaturalism ahead of this badly needed research for a Parkinson's cure. Kentucky Politics Source: AP [3/17] A Kentucky hack - Knott County Judge-Executive Donnie Newsom - got nailed for buying votes but his two year slammer sojourn won't stop him from performing his county administrator duties. A state law keeps this convicted felon on the job - and on the county payroll - during the appeals process. Since his shyster antics will last much longer than his jail term, his jailbird status poses a minor inconvenience, at most. This tempest in a hill-billy teapot ignores the fun fact that buying votes is as old as electoral politics. Being a rustic hack, Donnie, apparently, didn't keep up with cutting edge hack fun and games. He might be shocked to learn that here in Mexifornia, all hacks buy votes and they never play graybar bingo. That's because they never pay voters directly, like Donnie did. Instead, they launder their donations through a federal, state or local welfare department. Hopefully, Donnie will use his time in jail wisely, by reading up on all these new hack schemes. It's the least he can do for his bought and paid for constituents. . A New Big Apple Game Source: Front Page Magazine [03/01] Certain pathetic, Big Apple asshats created a sick - in the extreme - new game called "Chink Bashing". It involves, among other things, luring a lotus clan victim into hostile territory then assaulting him or her, a practice that cost an Chinese dude named Huang Chen his life, last month. As sick as this is, it gets worse, because, the proper authorities aren’t running a hate crime charge up the justice system flagpole. Why? I’m guessing that this alleged game is a melanin-enriched gig, and that grants these asshats irrevokable immunity when it comes to hate crimes. What proof do I have for this melanin-enriched perp theory? One of Mr. Chen’s murderers is named "Naquan", and that’s a no shit melanin-enriched name. Hate criminals only come in one color and that color is white. Afterthoughts: Front Page Scribbler, Andrew Popper nailed it when he ended his article with this pointed prose: '...It
is interesting to note that when a black
youth is killed in any racially tinged
incident, the regular media invariably
refer to the victim as a "boy," usually
accompanied by a sympathetic graduation
picture. In this case, however, where
the victim is an Asian boy killed in what
is undeniably a hate crime, the media
chose to call him a man; no pictures accompanied
any of the NY City newspaper articles.
Apparently some victims of racist murder
warrant more sympathy from the media than
others. It is time that all victims of
such vile hate crimes receive equal attention
and that the evil hypocrisy of selective
indignation is ended...' (Front Page)
APRIL 2004
A Golden D'Oh Candidate
Source: Nebraska Boob Tube [4/29] It's not breaking news when a state bureaucrat 'misplaces' the public funds entrusted to his care, unless...He was serving time for theft when he got hired for the job. Trust me when I tell you that hiring someone whose job application has a return address like "cell block 17" is not an idea whose time has come. Our hero - Rock Mueller - overcame his prison stripes to land a cushy, $55,000 per year, job coordinating Nebraska's million dollar tobacco cessation program. Given his background, why was anyone shocked when some funds went AWOL? '...[State auditor Kate Witek]
turned up evidence that Mueller was
paid by a contract firm that he picked
to create the Nebraska Tobacco Quit
Line. Pioneer, a company out of Salt
Lake City, was not the lowest bidder
for the project, Witek said, but Mueller
chose them to do the work, then received
about $78,000 from the firm for expenses
and marketing fees. Witek's report
shows that Mueller "either made the
handwritten alterations to the vendor
bid scores or was aware of the alterations"
to make sure Pioneer got the contract...'
(Omaha Channel)
Those who obsess over fun facts will enjoy hearing that the clown who hired ethically-challenged Mueller got promoted to state treasurer. Knowing that this moron controls the state bankbook must thrill cornhusker taxpayers spitless. Exporting Biotech Jobs Source: San Francisco Chronicle [4/18] The usual suspects who promote biotech as the next big Amerikan thing that will drive our economy to greater capitalist glory might want to shut their yaps long enough to read a long, eye-opening story in the April 18 issue of this Gulag fishwrap. Contrary to administration propaganda, biotech might not be poised to provide all those nifty, new high-paying, stateside jobs. That might have been true, two years ago, but onerous government regulations - ruinous tax policies and other hack-perpetrated trauma - are driving many Gulag area biotech firms to seek outsourcing partners in Asia. If you give a flaming damn about our economy and it's future, take the time to read this piece in the Chronicle. The 9 Commandments? '...Buonanno, 47, said he
is a Christian and loves all people
regardless of their lifestyle.
"But I cannot value homosexuality and
any different religious beliefs.'..."
(News Max)
Albert's refusal to sign this diversity bovine excrement got his supernaturalist butt fired - a predictable result, under the circumstances - sending his advenuture careening into Shysterland. Outraged, Albert went shyster bonkers, spewing civil rights drivel about AT&T's blatant religious discrimination. Proving that there are still a few functional synapses strewn across our judicial wasteland, a federal judge gave this Holy Roller whiner back wages and his 401K (his take totaled $150,000), but refused his plea for punitive damages. Diversity bonkers AT&T dodged a wallet emptying bullet, but they still got shafted by this property rights-trampling decision. It's not the government's task to set a private firm's employment policy. If AT&T's diversity policy sucks, let the marketplace - not the government - punish them. If Albert doesn't like AT&T's employment terms, he can get a new job, elsewhere. Afterthought What, exactly, is involved when a rational adult 'values' someone else's beliefs? Enquiring minds want to know. OPEC Bonkers In Congress Source: Reuters [4/1] According to this news blurb, at least one Elephant Clan Legicrat, Senator Mike DeWine (Ohio), is mad as hell over OPEC's production cutback and he's not going to take it anymore. In his fevered brain, OPEC needs to be hammered with Amerika's antitrust laws, a thrilling notion that, conveniently, ignores the salient facts, as set out by prior court rulings: '...federal courts have held
that OPEC is immune from prosecution
under the antitrust laws because it's
price-setting is "governmental" rather
than "commercial."...' (Reuters)
MAY 2004
Hell No She Won't Go
Source: Sacramento Bee [5/31] Determined to keep tabs on her city's men in blue, Darby (Pennsylvania) mayor, Paula Brown, set up her mayoral office in police headquarters. Believe it or not, this arrangement didn't thrill everyone concerned. In fact, the cops asked the mayor wench to leave, but she has other ideas about it. '...A Pennsylvania mayor was holed up in her office at the police station and vowed to stay there until Tuesday to prevent a locksmith hired by the Borough Council from locking her out...' (Bee) Mayor Brown claims that her actions are motivated by the 3 court orders that specify police oversight as her top priority. Her critics claim that her antics are publicity-grabbing grandstanding. The truth, probably, is somewhere in-between these polarized views, however, there's a faint stench here betraying an ambitious hackette who wants to move up the political food-chain at police expense. Afterthought Playing Atkins Diet Bingo The good news is that Florida denizen Jody Gorran - probably - lost weight when he played Atkins Diet roulette. The bad news is that his cholesterol levels reached orbital velocity, clogging a major artery...big damn time. Since his "diet" included a daily cheese festival, and cheesecake 3-times a week, this result isn't breaking news. As expected, our hero decided to put the blame elsewhere, so he's suing Atkins' estate for leading him astray. You didn't expect him to take personal responsibility did you? Aiding and abetting his quest for diet dollar enrichment is a vegan group called "Physicians Committee for Responsible Medicine". And now, you know the rest of the story. Bonkers In Beantown Teddyville set aside a designated area for anyone visiting Beantown to protest against the Donkey Clan convention in late July. According to this Globe prattle, the area selected might elicit more protests than the Donkey Clan convention.
Ms. Rose's pointed prose describes most of Beantown, thanks to that ultimate boondoggle, "The Big Dig". Lest you accuse me of hyperbole, be advised that this pagan just returned from a trip to Boston. So there! Afterthought: A Mexas Pervert Epic A minor league Lone Star State pervert returned to a certain Houston neighborhood once too often, so the local residents decided to persuade him to leave, permanently. It all started with some kids spotted this scumbag. Tired of this pervert's antics, 20 youngsters armed themselves with sticks and took out after the dude. From there, things got way fun, in a heartbeat:
They cornered the pervert, but decided not to beat the snot out of him...this time. They let the cops take him away, but made it clear that the pervert wouldn't be treated so gently, if he visited them again. The only way some people 'get it' involves a long overdue ass-kicking. So be it. Amerika's Newest Disability The Shyster Full Employment act - A.K.A. the American's With Disabilities Act - recently unleashed a new disability and this one is a veritable gem. Officially dubbed 'paruresis', this affliction is more commonly known as 'shy bladder syndrome'. Shy bladder is an alleged brain-fart that imposes bladder lock if you attempt to take a whiz away from your humble abode. When Caterpillar, Inc asked Tom Smith for a whiz sample needed to run a drug test, Tom - allegedly - went into bladder lock, preventing him from serving up the required whiz sample in the allotted 3 hour time span. The company said - in essence - no whiz, no job, prompting Caterpillar to fire Tom soon after his adventure in whizius interruptus. Unwilling to accept his fate - before you can say "vapor lock" - Tom is playing ADA roulette.
Smith also paid for a hair-based drug test, but the company still won't take him back. It's the way a company gets when you dump them into ADA hell. Tom, dude, wake up and smell the coffee. Their company...their rules...game over. Move on, dude...find a new job. I mean, really....shy bladder syndrome? I'm a dude, too, and I'm here to tell you that when nature calls, you gotta go, right damn now, no matter where you are. Emerilizing Hack Antics In New Mexico New Mexico's governor, Bill Richardson, has a nifty way to seize control over government functions that are no shit not his job. Bill's appointees to university boards of regents must sign and deliver - to Governor Bill - an undated letter of resignation, before he nominates them. Then, after they're anointed by the state's Legicrats, he can simply 'accept' their pre-delivered resignation, any time the regent fails to obey each and every Gubernatorial Educrap brain-fart. It's a nifty - in the extreme - scheme that only has one pesky flaw: it violates the state's constitution.
Governor Bill is a Bubba pal - a political appointee, during Bubba's oval office tenure- so don't lose any sleep waiting for him to give a rip about legal restraints. New Mexico elected him and they're no shit stuck with him, unless they stage a Mexifornia-style Gubernatorial ousting. So be it. Big Apple Bureaucratic Brain-Fart A Big Apple bureaucratic bright bulb put a parking meter thisclose to a fire hydrant, making it impossible for anything larger than a skate board to park there without straying too close - within 15 feet - to a fire hydrant. This tempting 'gotcha' in parking-challenged Gotham pulls in a nifty $115 per victim, a thrilling fact that explains why the parking Nazis visit it so often. Nobody in Big Apple city government gave a damn about this enriching parking meter scam, until, the Daily News ratted them out. In a heartbeat, the meter is gone and a 'No Standing' sign takes its place. Kudos to this Big Apple fishwrap are in order and eagerly conferred. You done damn good, dudes. It Looked Good, On Paper In 2002 Seattle denizen Bobby Inshetski fulfilled a dream when he helped pass a city initiative to finance a 14-mile monorail system with taxpayer greenbacks. Bobby celebrated the city's intrusion into the mass transit marketplace by purchasing a condo along the monorail's proposed route. Two years later, 'celebrate' is the farthest thing from Bobby's mind, thanks to those devilish monorail details:
File this under "be careful what you ask for" in your Golden D'oh archives. Bobby learned, the hard way, that reality can be a major bitch. I can live with that, and so can Bobby Inshetski. A Gulag Big Brother Tizzy Gulag-based civil libertarians are in a tizzy because the Gulag's library commission is, tentatively, planning to embed tracking chips in the knowledge emporium's reads. ACLU worry warts fret that it gives Big Brother chapter and verse on the Gulag's literate denizens.
Commission President Charles Higueras smells a political firestorm, so he's spouting rhetoric that he'll "proceed cautiously". Furthermore, he's assuring his agitated critics that a yes vote "is not a headlong rush into a blind acceptance of this RFID technology". That's right, hack fans, this bureaucrat is testing the political waters with this RFID vote trial balloon. If you look up decisive leadership in your Webster's you won't find this clown's picture. War Wounds War 'hero' John Kerry continues to get hammered about his 4-month stint in Nam. This week, his war wound strayed into the political spotlight when the Navy Medic who treated Kerry related a much different story about the cause and nature of fearless warrior John's Purple Heart ouchie. Kerry Says: Fierce firefight Doctor Louis Letson's version differs on several fronts:
Bold new concept...Kerry is more than a lying, war protesting asshat. He's a lying, war protesting asshat wimp. He built his entire political career on this? His celebrated wound is a microscopic metal sliver that could be tweezered out and covered up by a band-aid? Stop whining and grow some nads, John. JUNE 2004
Cutting Marital Ties
Leaving nothing to chance, Sharon also cites Kentucky's 1998 same sex marriage ban, insisting that Paul hatched his 'I'm a chick saddled with male nads' notion at age 3. As thrilling as that all is, reality tells a different story. 'Always a chick' Paul managed to woody up for Sharon - at least twice - since they produced two daughters (ages 13 and15) together. Sad story, Sharon, fathering children qualifies as no shit male to this terminally amused pagan scribbler. What else have you got, babe?
Election Year Half-Truths Source: Washington Times [06/26] Donkey clan hacks are shocked and dismayed that W's official campaign Internet site dares to invoke Hitler imagery as part of its presidential campaign fare. What makes this "so's your old lady" crap worth mentioning is the fun fact that the Hitler images in question aren't elephant clan at all. The Hitler references - and images - are lifted from W-bashing ads presented by that donkey clan shock troop cabal - MoveOn.org. - on their web site. Kerry campaign officials managed to skip over that part, when they played outrage bingo for a highly receptive media.
Where was this alleged outrage when your MoveOn cohorts ran these Hitler ads up the flagpole in January? Your silence, at that point, was deafening. You created this MoveOn W is Hitler hell, so it's beyond fair that you burn in it. The Potted Padre Caper
Arizona's two rosary true believer cabals - The Archdiocese of Tucson, the Archdiocese of Phoenix - never heard of this dude, but the men in blue did manage to track down photos of his ordination on the Internet. Given this clown's adult beverage-induced antics, I don't blame Rosary True Believer officials for disavowing our hero.
Punching a cop? Acting combative and spitting on cops and paramedics? What the hell happened to "turning the other cheek", padre dude? Strange Bedfellows I Source: NY Post [06/24] Fueled by W-hating billionaire George Soros' greenbacks, a Donkey Clan group named America Coming Together - A.K.A. ACT- made some unlikely hiring decisions that should - but probably won't - make this election buying zealot take a timeout to rethink this ACT affiliation. Despite their colorful past, the new hires are tasked with going door to door, encouraging citizens to register...and vote Donkey Clan. '...Dozens of names and addresses of ACT employees matched those of people convicted of burglary, forgery, drug dealing, assault and sex offenses. ACT hired some felons who were living in halfway houses, [an AP report revealed]...' (Post)
'...The markers in Deerfield, Mass. mark spots where, in 1704, French and Indian forces attacked settlers. Some contain references to ''savages" and ''Negro servants" that are now considered offensive. nWhere one marble tablet originally read, "Mary, adopted by an Indian, was named Walahowey. She married a savage, and became one,' it now reads, "She married a Kanien'kahake and adopted the culture, customs and language of her new community in Kahnawake."...' (Tongue Tied) Rewriting history is old hat for Korrectnik assclowns. Normally, they do their dirty deeds on the sly, where John and Jane Q. Public can't see them. It's disturbing - in the extreme - that Korrectniks now feel confident enough to pull these stunts in broad daylight, while everyone is watching.
Jack, dude, kiss your candidacy goodbye. If you can't sell a pagan like me on this share the hottie joy gig, it's a slam dunk that your family-value bonkers Elephant Clan constituents won't buy into it either. It must really suck to be you right now.
Close But No Cigar Source: Stealth Wisdom News Wire [06/19] The Northwest Airlines flight from St. Paul (Minnesota) to Rapid City (South Dakota) went flawlessly, including the landing...the landing at the wrong air field. For reasons they can't explain, the flight crew set their A-319 Airbus down at Ellsworth Air Force Base, several miles from their Rapid City destination. Somebody needs to tell these cockpit clowns that close only counts in horseshoes. After a three hour, unscheduled visit with the puzzled Air Force officials, the passengers flew the few additional miles to Rapid City, using a replacement flight crew. Three hours late sucks, but they do have a great story to tell. Assorted News Briefs Source: Stealth Wisdom News Wire [06/18] Item 1 A Louisiana padre rented 10 billboards to teach whomever all about the 10 commandments. Each month his billboard pulpits will feature a different commandment. Big fun. Believe it or not, I have no problem with this roadside supernaturalism. It's his money. The billboards are privately owned, and this deal is a private contractual arrangement. No harm, no foul sums up my attitude perfectly. Item 2 The new cell phone directory has cell idiots in a tizzy. D.C. based hacks feel cell idiot pain, so they're poised to ram through some election cycle legicrap called the 'Wireless 411 Privacy Act'.. This legicrap forces cell providers to elicit a written "opt in" from each cell idiot, before they can put them in the book. If you don't know this proposed legicrap is another nanny state intrusion on our liberty, you're not paying attention. Item 3 A properly-hyphenated melanin-advantaged wench got into an argument with a dude that resulted in a hate crime charge when she shot him. It started with heated - hateful - works that prompted the wench to slap the dude. When he responded in kind, she pulled out a gun a shot him. The heated words - allegedly - involved pointed prose about the dude's 'sexual orientation' making these sinister sound-waves more important that the woman's actions. In other words, what she thought of him carries more weight in our twisted justice system than the thrilling fact that she shot him. If she hates but doesn't shoot is she still guilty under our prevailing hate crime laws? In Korrectnik Amerika, the answer is - regrettably - 'yes'. Item 4 New Jersey legicrats voted 78-0 to restore sanity with a bill that deems 'ladies night' okey dokey in Jersey. Since the Governor is behind the bill, big time, it's looking like a done deal. Jersey hacks got something right. Go figure. Assorted Items Worth a Brief Mention Source: Stealth Wisdom News Wire [06/16] Item 1 According to Newsday, in the mid 1990's, Mikey bought a young lad's silence for a hefty $23 million in dead presidents and insured the lad's parents didn't spill the bleached skin pervert beans by paying them $1.5 million. Mikey's flacks don't deny the story, but claim its release is intended to influence potential jurors. No shit, noseless Sherlock. Item 2 Old habits are hard to break, especially for a certain Mexas criminal turned criminology expert. After a decade spent working with insurance companies, hosting a crime-watch radio show and writing books on his former career, John L. Stanley stumbled off the straight and narrow by robbing a local bank. He must be thrilled that his prison-dwelling home boys are rolling out the old welcome home mat for him. Item 3 A Nebraska bright bulb named Brian Kitten found out - painfully - that playing with 'an artillery fireworks shell' is not a nifty notion. Using a five gallon bucket with cement at the bottom as his launcher, this genius lit the fuse then ran - but not fast enough - because the shell simply exploded instead of launching, showering our hero with metal and cement shards. '...The blast sent chunks of the bucket and concrete flying in a circle, smashing through a fence, breaking windows in [Brian] Kitten's house and a neighboring house - and ripping apart Kitten's face...' (Lincoln Journal Star)
Item 4
What happened to irate, gun-toting daddies? Did this supernaturalist-infested state pass legicrap that outlawed them, too? Enquiring minds want to know. Afterthought What Goes Around, Comes Around
File this under 'What goes around, comes around' in your 'it's an annoyingly small world' archives. Kudos to Dr. Kanosky for his inspired antics.
Faster Than A Baby Bullet?
Staging the race during the afternoon rush hour, the contenders let it rip at 4:44pm, Monday afternoon. The Examiner's ride arrived at the Caltrain station at 5:41pm, a speedy 4 minutes before the so-called 'bullet' showed up. It wouldn't be tax funded mass transit if it worked the way political hacks claim. So be it. A Public Utility Shell Game 'PGW customers may be required to foot the bill for deadbeat bill payers -- to the tune of an additional $80 a year under a PGW proposal, which still needs approval from the Public Utilities Commission...' (NBC)
When PGW customers kicked up a fuss, Philly's city council proposed that PGW bills itemize all the surcharges on each customer's bill. You don't need Nostradamus to predict how that went over at PGW headquarters. PGW dweebs fret - quite correctly - that when PGW customers see the gas and water using deadbeat surcharge, PGW's paying customers refuse to shell out for that portion of their bill. That's gotta earn a heartfelt "Well, duh" from the congregation. A Bold Entrepreneurial Concept Source: Stealth Wisdom News Wire [06/04] A Big Apple dude named Shane Forbes launched an Internet site that offers a unique product: wingwomen. Filthy minded readers will need to know that this isn't a hooker enterprise going incognito. It's a service that offers bachelors a bold new way to meet women while out on the town. Based on his own observations and considerable personal experience, Shane realized that a night out the guys never got him close to an eligible female, But, when he ventured out with female friends, he, routinely, got intros to the sought after women via his female friends. From that simple realization, Wingwomen was born.
Self-Inflicted Pre-Marital Angst
tSince she violated the agreement not once, or twice, but five times, she's looking at 50 days in the gray bar hotel - 10 days for each violation. As fun as that all sounds, it gets better. She was planning to get hitched to her bedmate this weekend, a feat made especially challenging when the bride-to-be is residing in the local jail.
Mark
this
epic
'self-inflicted'
then
file
in
under
'no
harm,
no
foul'
in
your
pagan
scribbler
archives.
JULY
2004
Fiddling While 'New' Rome...Burns? Source: NBC (Ohio Boob Tube) [07/30] A Buckeye State blight named New Rome is, officially, as defunct as the legendary Roman empire, a fun fact that has countless of this speed trap's victims celebrating. Masquerading as a city, New Rome didn't elect any officials during the past two election cycles. It didn't offer the services usually associated with a city and got 90% of its annual $400,000budget from traffic fines. Look up 'speed trap' in your dictionary and you'll find a snapshot of a New Rome city limits sign. An Ohio court deep-sixed New Rome and its enriching traffic enforcement, to a well deserved oblivion using a 2003 state law that sets certain strict criteria for any wide spot on the road harboring municipal delusions. When said wide spot on the road fails to meet two of six, non- negotiable criteria, a court can banish it. No elections, no budget, no services, game over. That's gotta get a rousing "amen" from the Buckeye road warrior congregation. Supernaturalist
Snit
In
Tampa When unabashedly atheist Michael Harvey arrived in the Tampa City Council chambers to give the official, pre-meeting invocation, two holy roller council members were so outraged by this dastardly Atheist intrusion on a...sacred supernaturalist tradition that they picked up their toys and stomped out of the meeting. They were very vocal about this blight on civic supernaturalism, despite the fun fact that another councilman invited the Atheists of Florida to perform this supernaturalist rite. Councilman
Kevin
White: Councilwoman
Mary
Alvarez: Would these shocked, disgusted and dismayed supernaturalists feel better if Michael Harvey invoked such pagan deities as Odin, Zeus, or Ra? I way don't think so, sneaking Cross Cultism into government Sparky. Buying
Amerikan Our
Terrorist
Friendly
Borders A 'high level' al-Qaida wench named Farida Goolam Mohamade Ahmed got nabbed at a Mexas airport, trying to grab a plane to the Big Apple. Although she carries a valid South African passport, this terrorist wench didn't have any papers to demonstrate how she got into this country. According to the usual 'unnamed' Border Patrol officials, the woman entered Amerika like most illegals, by strolling across our undefended southern border. How many other al-Qaida asshats slithered into Amerika the same way? Nobody knows, but I can promise you one damn thing. After the next stateside terrorist attack, when we find out that they strolled in from Mexico, political hack heads will god damn roll. Deja
Vu
In
Chad
Country? Everyone is busy pointing fingers, but, since all the prime Palm Beach County players are Donkey Clan, it'll take some major fact stretching to pin this one on the vast right-wingnut conspiracy. Although most criticism is aimed at Ms. LePore, I'm confident that, they'll pin this on W, some-damn-how. More
Fun
Sandy
Berger
Facts The familiar Clintonista scandal squad deployed quickly to put out the fire lit by Sandy Berger's curious antics in the National Archives. Playing up the 'inadvertent' removal of the documents defense, these Kool-Aid drinking Clintoista clowns accused the vast right-wingnuts of inventing the 'hid documents in his clothes' charge. It worked for a while, until this defense just took a hit, thanks to some National Archives guards:
This puts the ball back in the Clintonista court, but it won't stay there for long. Bubba's minions are pros at spinning the news to suit their purposes. This pagan scribbler eagerly awaits their next move. Another
Clintonista
In
The
Crosshairs Unless you were living in a cave with Osama or just returned from an off-planet excursion with Art Bell's little gray men, you know the relevant details about Clinton security advisor Sandy Berger and his antics in the National Archives. For those who care about such things, here are some 'takes' from the usual pagan scribbler sources:
How do you 'inadvertently' hide stuff in your socks and your pants? Enquiring minds want to know. From
Our
"Go
Figure"
Desk
Source: South Florida Sun-Sentinel [07/15] Tampa's City Council elevated their traditional meeting-opening invocation to absurd heights when Councilman John Dingfleder tapped Michael Harvey for the task. What makes Harvey so newsworthy? He's the designated invocationalist for the Atheists of Florida. Your eyes didn't deceive you, this hack invited an Atheist to perform this supernaturalist ritual. It could only happen in the Land of Hanging Chads...but I digress...again. We're not told what he'll say, but Atheists of Florida chairman, Ed Golly gives us a hint: '...Atheists of Florida won't be insulting, Golly said, but its invocation statement won't call on ``invisible men in the sky.'' Praying at a government meeting is ``absurd'' and imposes religion on the public, he said...' (Sun-Sentinel) An
Atheist
invocation?
This
raises
the
bar
for
"bold
new
concept" big
damn
time. AUGUST 2004
Turmoil In Theocratica Source: Virginia Pilot [08/31] Congressman Ed Schrock (Va) sent his Elephant Clan homeboys into crisis mode, when he abruptly withdrew from his re-election bid, after "Ed's a closet bun ranger" rumors circulated. It all unraveled for Ed when a gay Internet site spilled the GLAAD BAAG beans.
Wilting under the ensuing political heat, family values warrior Ed picked up his toys and went home, without confirming or denying the unsubstantiated accusation. Obviously, Ed knows how rigidly righteous Theocratica's voters are and made the necessary move. What goes around, comes around dude, even in Theocratica. You helped make Theocratica's "GLAAD BAAGs are subhuman" hell, so it's only fair that you burn in it. Florida Gets Ready For the November ElectionSource: News Max [08/28] A Florida judge set the stage for another prolonged recount fiasco when she ruled that a state law mandating manual recounts will be enforced on 'all certified voting systems' (News Max). This means that it also applies to the hotly debated touch screen voting systems. This court ruling reverses an edict by Florida's Secretary of State, Glenda Hood, that exempted touch screen machines. To get the big picture on this ruling, we need to factor in a couple fun facts:
Given the way touch screen voting machines work, Ms Hood's decision was the correct one, making this pagan scribbler wonder what the judge was smoking. Only Florida writes a law that demands a hand recount where none is possible. Am I the only rational adult who understands the essential Florida Voter concept: no matter how easy you make it...no matter how 'foolproof' the machine's programming, no election scheme is Florida Voter proof. Hard Rock Cafe's New AdSource: Las Vegas Sun [08/27] Still embroiled in a legal tussle with Nevada's State Gaming Board over their 'racy', booty-showcasing billboards, the Hard Rock Café Emerilized their dispute with an action-packed new ad campaign. It's loaded with double-entendre, but is tame enough that even the Gaming Board bluenoses can't complain:
The billboards are a minor skirmish in a much larger fight staged by the Las Vegas Morality Mafia. They're determined to use government coercion to clean up Sin City's image, starting with the Hard Rock Café. Apparently, Nevada is exempted from First Amendment compliance, too. Go figure. Uncle Sam's Mecca Maniac Coddling Worried that the great unwashed might get the 'wrong' idea, when Mecca Maniacs fly airplanes into our buildings, or launch some other attack on Amerika, our State Department is trying to paint a word picture of 'fuzz ball' Mecca Maniacs.
Similar efforts are underway in assorted government cess-schools where teachers are taught how to brainwash their captive audiences with this revisionist - utterly bogus - alleged history. I urge you to track down this Front Page article and read the whole thing. The writer does an excellent job demonstrating how utterly asinine this Arab navigator bovine excrement is. We can start with the fun fact that Columbus' navigator was a dude named Martin Pinzon...Does that sound even slightly Sand Rat to you? How much longer are we going to tolerate this happy horse shit from our government...from our government cess-schools before we stand up and tell them to "Knock that shit off, right damn now!"? It can't happen too soon. Another Independent Ad CampaignSource: Seattle Post-Intelligencer [08/24] Misguided in the extreme, the allegedly 'conservative' Congress of Racial Equality is running a new ad campaign in John Edwards home state, North Carolina. The new ad tries to build a fire under Edwards - plus assorted other Donkey Clan Senators - and prod them into affirming California Supreme Court Justice Janice Rogers Brown's nomination to the federal bench. For those who obsess on petty details, here's the ad, as described by this Seattle fishwrap:
CORE is trying to do the right thing, but they need not hold their collective breath waiting for a Edwards or Kenndy to 'see the error of their ways', and endorse Janice Rogers Brown. Carpetbagging 101Source: Seattle Post-Intelligencer [08/20] John F. Kerry, the dude who mastered the political flipflop during his illustrious hack career, inspired Illinois' carpetbagging Senatorial candidate, Alan Keyes, to follow in his footsteps. You haven't really lived, until you check out this pachyderm punk's pathetic performance:
Keyes' dramatic flip-flopping is so bad that I heard Medved of all people slamming Mr. Keyes on his boom box chat show. I nearly drove off the damn road when Medved advised Illinois Republicans to vote - gasp - libertarian in the Senate race. Holy Twilight Zone, Batman! It's A Bird...It's A Plane...It's A RitualSource: Monterey Herald [08/19] Eyewitnesses report that the man stopped his SUV, got out, stripped down to the buff, sat down facing West - cross-legged - for 30 seconds, then got up, put his clothes back on and drove away. Odd, but not breaking news, you say? Would it help if I told you that the SUV is an official government vehicle? What if I sweeten it by telling you that our oddball is a Salt Lake County Sheriff's Deputy? Have I got your undivided attention now, Sparky? Sheriff's Deputy Darrell Magee doesn't deny the incident, but he insists he wore flesh-colored undies during his '30-second religious ritual'. The department didn't buy this happy horse pucky either, and suspended Darrell, pending investigation. If you can I.D. this ritual, spill it, because I haven't got a clue. Bubba Sweeps Out the RiffraffSource: Pagan Scribbler News Wire [08/17] Protesting - a bit too loudly - that the city's new cleanup sceheme has nothing to do with the Clinton Presidential Library's November 18 grand opening, Little Rock (Arkansas) officials are busy sweeping certain city denizens under the rug. The, uh, sweeping new campaign that paints a bull's-eye on 27 homeless camps has nothing to do with Bubba and his library, Little Rock hacks insist. It's a coincidence - nothing more - that these two events coincide. Yeah, right, dudes. If you believe that bovine excrement, I have a bargain-priced bridge I'm trying to sell. The Lemonade Stand Fiasco When two pre-pubescent Missouri wenchlets - Mim Murray, 10 and Marisa Miller-Stockie, 12 - opened that ubiquitous childhood enterprise - a lemonade stand - at least one spoilsport in the neighborhood wasn’t thrilled spitless. A local hag whined to a city cabal named the 'Citizens Service Bureau' and that easily, propelled St. Louis hacks into the last damn thing they wanted, an election cycle publicity nightmare. When an inspector showed up at the wenchlets' lemonade stand, the brain-dead bureaucrat spouted drivel about running a business without permits, and using 'unsafe ice cubes'. Cool in a crisis, the young capitalists sought help from a much higher authority: mom. Mim's mom, Germaine Murray, came out swinging with a call to a local boob tube news outlet. Leaving nothing to chance, she also notified her local cross cult padre, Monsignor Salvador Polizzi. Needless to say, the bovine excrement hit the fan, big damn time. Proving that 'it' still rolls down hill, the city's publicity-conscious Mayor, Francis Slay, lowered the boom, and the city bureaucracy got the message. The city's top health department bureaucrat apologized profusely, staged a photo op at the young capitalist's enterprise, thus disproving the timeless adage that opines you can't fight city hall. A more appropriate adage would be 'don't mess with Mim's mom'. Mule Deer Makes Ten Most WantedSource: Bozeman Daily Chronicle (Montana) [08/11] A four-point mule deer buck has it in for Bozeman (Montana) denizen Gene Novikoff, and the beast is far from shy about letting Gene know about it. The other day, when 80-years-young Gene ventured outside, his four-legged nemesis ambushed him and majorly kicked Gene's ass:
Local wildlife officials put a hit on the rampaging deer and intend to give the irrational beast a room temperature transition, if they can find him. He shouldn't be that hard to identify. He'll be the one with chunks of Gene's hide dangling from his antlers. A Talibanma Cross Dude CloneSource: NBC [08/11] A Talibanma hairstylist thrilled everyone in a Southern Fried blight called Leeds (Talibanma) when he 'drenched himself in fake blood and mounted a 14-foot cross in front of his salon' (NBC). I'm amazed to report that this public tribute to supernaturalism prompted the local authorities to tell the dude to knock it off. I wouldn't want to be in their shoes when the infamous (former) Judge Roy Moore hears about their suppression of public supernaturalism. For those who care, our hero - a dweeb named Patrick Conaty - attributes his actions to something he calls "Salvation Awareness Day". Neither Patrick's excuse, nor his inspired public supernaturalism got rave reviews from those heartless capitalists who are unlucky enough to have a business near Patrick's 'Running With Sissors' hair emporium. Perhaps the rumors are true...There might actually be a few rational adults in this Southern Fried supernaturalist pesthole. Learn something new every day. Southern Fried Fun And GamesSource: St. Petersburg Times [08/10] Inverness, Florida decided to spice things up this fall by Inaugurating an annual even called 'The Inverness Cooter Festival'. If, like me, you wouldn't know a 'cooter' it fell on you, be advised that 'cooter' is Southern Fried for 'turtle'. Which would you attend? A Cooter Festival or a Turtle Festival? Case closed, but, there's just one pesky problem. 'Cooter' has another meaning. While scribbling in the July 19th St. Petersburg Times about 'The Inverness Cooter Festival', Greg Hamilton muddied the festive waters by noting that a second, much rarer, slang translation for Cooter is 'a key part of the female anatomy'. By July 30, the usual whiners made life so miserable for festival organizers that Inverness' City Manager, Frank DiGiovanni, cancelled the Cooter Festival. Unwilling to let some whining asshats ruin everyone's fun, the Inverness City Council re-instated the festival. As far as the rational adults in Inverness are concerned, 'cooter' is another name for turtle. Case closed. Kudos to the Inverness City Council for telling the perpetual whiners to take a hike. Uncivil ServiceSource: Newsday [08/08] When a woman came up to his toll booth window to complain that her Metrocard wasn't working, Gonslee Gorden got into her face, verbally, then Emerilized his curious notions about customer service by exiting his booth and punching the woman's lights out. That's right, mass transit fans, he hauled off and socked her in the kisser. If you're thinking it must be the Big Apple, give yourself a cookie. The woman is setting the stage for a lawsuit with complaints about injuries to her left eye and her neck. The transit authority is circling the bureaucratic wagons by spouting drivel about 'an investigation' and a possible pink slipping, but don't hold your breath. He's gotta be union and we all know what that means. Call me old fashioned if that makes your day, but, baring self defense, a dude just doesn't hit a woman. At age 48, Gonslee is old enough to know better. I hope they fire his sorry ass. The Great Limo Demolition DerbySource: Boston Globe [08/06] A domestic dispute turned into an all limo car chase and demolition derby when Yvesnane Gethers spotted her husband in the back seat of their other limo, getting entirely too chummy with some tootsie. Before you could say 'you bastard', she rams his limo - several times - with the one she's driving and the chase was on.
One passage from this Bean Town fishwrap piece tells you all you need to know about our boy, Wayne:
I'm guessing that Wayne's murderously hostile bride knew what she was getting when she married this clown, so why is she shocked to find him doing some, uh, 'comparison shopping' for a new playmate? Buyer beware is more than conventional wisdom; it's a philosophy. Begging For It?Source: Chicago Sun-Times [08/04] When it comes to enforcing the letter of the law, Elgin, Illinois' men in blue don't give anyone a free pass, including a certain Elgin Toll Booth that they just busted for 'violating the city's noise ordinance'. That's right, the Elgin justice system busted Old Ka-Boom's home boys during a Sunday afternoon service. Given Old Ka-Boom's well documented anger management problem, I'm not sure that interrupting an 'Old Ka-Boom is too cool' confab is the best idea the Elgin cops ever had. Elephant Clan Pulls A Jersey Switch?Source: Pagan Scribbler News Wire [08/04] Breathless news dolts report that the Illinois Elephant Clan cabal is prepared to name its candidate to face rising Donkey Clan star Barack Obama in a quest for the state's open U.S. Senate seat. In a move that evokes memories of the Donkey Clan's legendary Jersey switch, the pachyderm set is poised to name a former Oval Office aspirant, Alan Keyes, as their official candidate. This is an especially curious choice since Mr. Keyes lives in...Maryland. What makes this cosmically News Nitwit cool is the fun - but utterly irrelevant - fact that a Keyes vs Obama senate race would be the first all Melanin-Enriched U.S. Senate contest...ever. Am I the only one who could care less what pedigree the nominee has? I vaguely remember a time when elections revolved around 'issues', not the immutable traits of a particular candidate. There I go again, trying to be rational about an inherently irrational escapade like an election cycle. Emerilizing Eating OutSource: Democrat and Record (Rochester, NY) [08/01] A Victor (New York) eatery named the 'Village Pig' kicked up its dining out ambiance several notches when it instituted a strict - no exceptions - policy that bans any aspiring diners under age 25. The reasons seem obvious to this pagan scribbler, but, for those merely mortal regular PIG readers, I'll offer up the following explanation: Kudos to Mr. Andres are eagerly conferred, but if he envisions 'hero' status from this pagan scribbler, he'll need to ban cell phones, too. If you're over 25 and crave some fine eats without someone's pooper screaming in your ear, visit the 'Village Pig' and tell Jim Andres that the pagan sent you. SEPTEMBER 2004
I'll Drink To That! Source: AP [09/30] Educrats at an Alexandria (Theocratica) school, Alexandria Country Day School, Emerilized educrap, to record-setting levels when they 'inadvertently' served margaritas to some third, fourth and fifth grade students. The fun started when the school faculty kicked up a celebration several notches with nachos and margaritas, the day before classes started. After the festivities, the leftover adult beverage found its way into the cafeteria refrigerator and stayed there, unnoticed, until...
Since most students refused to drink the strange smelling stuff, and those who did came through unscathed, no harm, no foul, sums up the apologetic educrats' attitude. Reading between the lines, I'm guessing that this Theocratica school is private, not public, since no heads rolled after the cafeteria staff tried to get the youngsters potted. They never offered this advanced adult beverage educrap when I went to school. Life is so unfair that way. Florida Flim-Flam Follies A Tampa dude swam against the Florida Voter tide, when he leased out a house that he didn't own to 10 different people, bagging a nifty $8,600 in security deposits in the process. Simple and very effective, his scheme involved putting a "house for rent" sign in front of a certain home, then advertising it in the papers. Eventually, the proper authorities caught up with this enterprising capitalist and shut down his enriching scheme. As fun as all this might be for everyone concerned, there is one pesky detail that needs to be explained. Why didn't the home's owner/resident notice the "house for rent" sign in the front yard? It's Enquiring minds, again, and who can blame me. A Badge-Packing Florida Voter Epic In 2002, citing a design flaw that caused some police officer deaths, Okaloosa County (Florida) Sheriff Charlie Morris sued Ford Motor Company, after his Crown Victoria (Ford) Police Interceptors 'exploded in flames when struck from behind at high speed' (Tribune). This year he's back in court demanding that Circuit Judge G. Robert Barron order to Ford Motor Company to lift the car company's ban on selling more cars to the Okaloosa County Sheriff's Department. No shit, this government payroll dolt sustained this pagan's lower than whale pucky expectations for Florida Voters by complaining when a company he's suing won't sell him any more cars. Bolstered by the judge's ruling, Ford can - and invariably will - refuse to sell to any person, or agency, that sues them. Ford needs to correct its death-dealing design flaw, and that's a no shit fact, so pagan kudos are not, will not be, conferred. On the other hand, Sheriff Morris is a slam dunk for this week's "Clanging Brass Nads" award. Fiddling While Florida Floats Away? Undeterred by the hurricanes ravaging the state, Florida hacks gave local government dweebs an October 1 deadline to report any and all landmarks, roads, parks, rivers, lakes or cities, etc., with names that might give some hypersensitive, properly-hyphenated whiner a boo-boo on their notorious fragile psyche. Among the names the hacks want to shed are such thrilling monikers as: Jap Rock, Negro Island, Jewfish Creek, Cracker Swamp. Their crime? These names include ethnic or religious 'slurs'. The banned names might discourage tourism, hacks claim, ignoring the fun fact that in its current, besieged by hurricanes condition, nobody is likely to visit what's left of Florida. The state hacks who perpetrated this quest to cleanse Florida's maps got a case of the cutes so they left the local hacks on the hook to determine which names qualified as a 'slur'. Then, for reasons left unexplained the legicrats didn't include any heavy-handed 'or else' lingo in the law. In other words, if a local hack doesn't want to send the state a list of banned names and suggested replacements, he, she or it, isn't facing any penalty. If the state hacks think this pathetic Korrectnik quest for kinder, gentler names is the biggest problem facing their state, they deserve an instant, involuntary change of employment. That's right, I'm saying fire that bastards. Elephant Clan Election Cycle Antics Ignoring such petty issues as a whopping budget deficit, the illegal immigrant tidal wave swamping our nation, the business stampede that exports Amerikan jobs in droves, the suffocating regulations that smother our inalienable liberty, and, the terrorist asshats hiding among us, Elephant Clan congressional hacks, focused on Amerika's number one with a bullet vital issue: keeping the words "under god" in the Pledge of Allegiance. Believe it or not, this week House Republicans passed a bill that forbids federal courts' ability to "hear cases challenging the phrase "under God" in the Pledge of Allegiance" (Washington Times). Finally, we can all get a good night's sleep, now that this vital issue is resolved! The Elephant Clan hacks perpetrating this outrage admit that this bill has no chance in the Senate, but they justify their asinine antics by blithering about "sending a message to the federal court system". Yeah, right. You gotta know they'd do this bovine excrement, every damn day, if they could get away with it, regardless of the danger it poses to our liberty. If congress has the right to determine what cases the federal courts can hear, it can pass a blatantly unconstitutional law, then add an amendment to the bill that forbids the federal courts from ruling on it. If you don't see the danger this poses, wake the hell up before it's too damn late. Theocratica's Poker Plague Televised on numerous cable channels, Texas Hold 'Em's burgeoning popularity is giving Theocratica's "Gambling Czar" - Department of Charitable Gaming director Clyde E. Cristman - job security, big time. Recently, he sent his jack-booted minions to shut down Texas Hold 'Em tournament's at Virgina Beach's Fraternal Order of Police lodge, and the Roanoke Moose Lodge. Gambling in Theocratica! I'm shocked, shocked, I tell you and so is this brain-dead bureaucratic asshat. Czar Cristman won't tolerate such things, unless it's state owned, operated and controlled, like the state-run lottery or, subjected to Draconian state regulations - and taxation - like pari-mutual betting. That's right, unless Theocratica gets its healthy cut, your recreational wagering is in this asshat's bull's-eye. At least one rational adult 'gets it' when it comes to this poker craze. A Donkey Clan state Delegate, J. Chapman Petersen, plans to introduce a bill making tournaments hosted by private clubs - like those hosted at the Moose and FOP lodges - okey dokey. Kudos to Delegate Petersen for breathing sanity into this tragically theocratic, supernaturalist-infested, Southern-fried blight. Afterthoughts Source: Reuters [09/15] Citing a 1987 U.S. Supreme Court decision, a Big Apple judge ruled that it's no shit okey dokey if jurors are drunk, coked out, wasted on weed, or simple sleeping through the trial. For those who care, here's the relevant prose from that 1987 U.S. Supreme Court Ruling:
And you thought Mexifornia's O. J. jurors were a menace? Does anyone still wonder why our legal system is so out of control? Does anyone still wonder why lawsuits are so enriching for shysters and so disastrous for sovereign individuals? Anyone? If you still don't 'get it', you're in a coma...on jury duty...or both. An Enriching Idea When University of Wisconsin student, Anthony Gallagher, got a parking ticket in February, he turned this potential 'lemon' into lemonade. Utilizing 21st Century technology, ingenuity, and a some hefty brass nads, our hero created his own parking tickets, replacing the official justice system address with a post office box he rented. That easily, the cash rolled in, until the proper authorities caught up with him. At $40 bucks a pop, this scam had to be very enriching, but I'm guessing the justice system costs will more than offset his boodle. Do I really need to warn you: don't try this at home? Fighting The Good Fight Colorado Congressman Tom Tancredo continues to hold his Elephant Clan homeboys feet to the fire on illegal immigration, a fun fact that might explain why - behind closed doors - W and his minions vow to replace Tancredo with a 'team player', but I digress. This time out, Tancredo painted a bull's-eye on Department of Homeland Security Undersecretary Asa Hutchinson, after immigration czar Hutchinson waved a white flag, surrendering our borders to the illegal horde without a fight. In a recent interview with the Washington Times, Asa Asshat spewed:
Tancredo went postal, big damn time, and who can blame him. Tanacredo wants a face-to-face meeting with Hutchinson where he will demand that this pathetic bureaucratic scum set forth meaningful plans to defend our borders. Furthermore, Tandcredo demands meaningful plans to track down the illegal immigrant horde that infests our country, un -damn - invited.. Kudos to Tom Tancredo, the one Elephant Clan hack who 'gets it' when it comes to the dangers posed by unchecked illegal immigration. Salt Lake City Grinch Like most cities, Salt Lake City's airport authority gives 'the jolly old elf', Santa Claus, an exemption from edicts that small aircraft must maintain a 2000 foot (or higher) altitude while soaring over Salt Lake City, until now. This harmless exemption is doomed to extinction, thanks to the bright bulbs on the city's airport board. These hacks just voted to deep-six Santa's exemption, dooming the city's tykes to a Santaless Christmas. Although the airport board is attempting to defend its Santa-bashing decision, their City Council bosses aren't thrilled spitless. No doubt their feelings reflect the outrage expressed by Santa-loving parents throughout the city. This Santa-nuking edict looks doomed to this pagan, but don't bet the farm on it, because...it's Utah, a notoriously irrational outpost of alleged reality. Grinch News Update Zero Tolerance Raleigh County (Theocratica) educrats need remedial teenage Kulture training, stat. Their shocking ignorance in this critical area of human knowledge came to light when a 10th grade wenchlet arrived for school wearing a skirt that had the words "It's all about Juicy" spread that perky, wenchlet boom-boom. "Uncool for school!", the edcrats thundered, forcing our heroine to spend the day in the principal's office. "Like, duh...Juicy is a brand name for popular teenage clothing", our beleaguered heroine, Nichoel Hawks, retorted, for all the good it did her. Unlike the retards running your school, PIG is down with "Juicy" - in all it's diverse meanings - darlin. Trailer Park Tribulations A Michigan boob tube tells the story whose primary elements are a leaking gas stove, a mobile home, and a smoker who can't take a hint. Our epic starts when a trailer park manager replaces the stove in the aforementioned mobile home. Detecting a gas leak, he instructed the mobile home denizen to leave the rolling abode, and not return until he fixed the gas leak. Apparently, the woman residing in this rolling abode heard the 'leave' part, but didn't pay sufficient attention to the 'gas leak' part. After gathering a few necessities, the woman and her children were leaving when - I am not making this up - she surrendered to her craving for a smoke, lit up the cancer stick and blew her rolling abode to smithereens. Do I really need to tell you, don't try this at home. Afterthought: Flyover State Fun And Games Buckeye State hormone gorillas continue to seek ways to break the crushing boredom that besets those rustics who live in certain 'from' places. The latest Buckeye State fad is called 'train surfing' and it's every bit as insane as it sounds. The 'surfer' hops onto a freight train, climbs atop a freight car and 'surfs' while the train hauls ass down the tracks. When the surfers get caught, the worst these bright bulbs face is a 'criminal trespassing' charge, but I'm guessing that Mother Nature is setting them up for a well-earned, long-overdue 'fall' into human gene pool improvement oblivion. Catch a wave...splat...oblivion...works just fine for this pagan scribbler. A Report From The Drug War Front Lines An Oregon boob tube broadcast reports that Okanogan County, Washington's drug task force raided a local couple's home after these dastardly civilians mailed - gasp - catnip. The local drug Nazi horde trashed the couple's home - doing an estimated $20,000 damage - and roughed them up, because they dared to mail some kitty pleaser via the U.S. Mail. How much longer must we endure this asinine Drug War and the Gestapo-like tactics that go with it? With terrorists looking for ways to destroy our inalienable liberty, why does the government continue to prosecute this pointless, unwinnable, liberty-crushing war on drugs? Enquiring minds demand an answer, stat! OCTOBER 2004
Tattletale Jobs Data Source: Sacramento Bee [10/27] On the campaign trail, W, routinely, brags about all the new jobs created during his first term. At the same time, using the same data, his harshest critics insist that Amerika is enduring a "jobless recovery". Both views can't be right...or can they? According to a census data analysis conducted by the Center for Immigration Studies, both W and his critics are right. There are - as W insists - new jobs being created, but, these jobs - as his critics bellow - are not going to Amerikans:
The oft-repeated "jobs Amerikans don't want" canard also takes a hit:
Cheap - predominantly illegal - immigrant labor dislodges Amerikan citizens in construction and elsewhere, while Amerikan firms export engineering, I. T., technical support call in centers, and other jobs overseas. That sounds like a jobless - from the Amerikan worker's perspective - recovery to this pagan. As expected, the usual suspects claim that all this job displacement is good for our economy, but I'm not sure that will fly with Amerikan construction workers who lose their jobs to border-jumping scumbags. This report on the jobless recovery is the smoking gun on illegal immigration's disastrous impact on an Amerikan citizen's job prospects. Everyone should be discussing it, but, by and large, neither the hacks nor the News Nazis can find time for it. That means you - each of you - needs to spread the word. Track down this story, print it out, and tell...every-damn-body. It's time for Amerikans to take back their country and that has to start with you, because , baring rare exceptions, your elected officials can't be bothered. Jersey JusticeSource: News Tribune (New Jersey) [10/22] A Glouchester County denizen who exercised his Second Amendment right "to keep and bear arms" - he shot and killed a New Jersey desperado in his yard - got a "no harm, no foul" seal of approval when a county grand jury refused to indict him for murder, aggravated assault and weapons charges. You don't need Nostradamus to predict that justice system officials aren't thrilled spitless with this decision. Prosecutors are determined to defend the local desperado population's right to invade a dude's property and make off with his ATV (all terrain vehicle) without getting a high caliber room temperature transition. Who knew that New Jersey of all places, allowed rational adults on their grand juries? Learn something new every day. W's Intelligence Bill Dilemma W and his minions want congress to ram through the stalled Intelligence Bill, but they want the House-Senate conference committee to make sure that the bill which lands on his desk sheds its tough on illegal immigration provisions, first. Ironically, this warrior against terrorism - W - chooses to ignore those recommendations from the September 11 Commission that don't suit his purposes. W is cool with the commission recommendation that Amerika create focal point for our intelligence services: a National Intelligence Director. What he doesn't like is the other commission recommendation the House put into the bill:
Taking the borders-protecting recommendations to heart, the House bill includes two common sense goodies that most rational adults favor:
Ideally, this bill would land on W's desk with the immigration reforms intact, forcing him to make a hard choice. If he coddles his daddy, Vicente Fox, he spoils his perfect, never a single veto during his term record. If he keeps his no vetoes streak alive, he pisses off daddy Vicente, big time. What's an illegal immigrant coddling hack to do? A Terrors Of Technology Epic Corvallis (Oregon) denizen, Chris van Rossman got a lot more than he expected when he laid out that folding green for a Toshiba boob tube that has built-in VCR, DVD and CD players. His extra special Toshiba is so cutting edge that he risks a $10,000 fine, every time he switches on the damn thing. Why? For that, we arrive at our Paul Harvey Moment and, "The rest of the story":
Nobody can explain why Chris's boob tube thinks our hero's viewing habits are so alarming it needs to call for an Air Force search and rescue operation. Is this what they mean by 'ignorance is bliss'? Probably, because if Chris's viewing choices are that scary, I really don't want to know...but I digress. Since his new TV set is unsafe at any speed, Chris has to indulge in low tech pursuits, like reading, until Toshiba sends him a replacement set, without the added international distress signal feature. So be it. Better Than A Wrestle Punk Special?Source: Indianapolis Star [10/15] City politics in Lawrence, Indiana makes the on-going Bush-Kerry melee seem like kid stuff. What started as a winner-take-all, political whiz-a-thon between Lawrence Mayor Deborah Cantwee and the city's parks board culminated in some testosterone-induced antics that evoke Vince McMahon's World Wrestling Entertainment cabal. Things got thrilling in city hall a few weeks ago, when Mayor Cantwell decided that the parks board members didn't jump through all the required bureaucratic hoops, a fun fact that meant the parks board members weren't street legal. Using this excuse, Mayor Cantwell tried to dump the old board and replace them with her own, hand-picked minions. In a heartbeat city hacks chose up sides and the tension mounted, until Deputy Mayor David Rapp [he's also the city's public safety director] came down with a testosterone poisoning brain-fart at Wednesday's parks board meeting.
This egregiously uncivil confrontation reached critical mass when Deputy Mayor Rapp bellowed, "You want a piece of me?", proving - to this pagan scribbler's satisfaction - that Dave Rapp spends too much time watching Monday Night Raw and too little time attending his anger management classes. Am I the only one thinking that Lawrence, Indiana's parks board meetings are more action packed than a WWE cage match? I doubt it. Lawrence denizens won't want to miss the next parks board meeting...Rumor has it that Dave Rapp and Rick Wells are scheduled for a three fall, no holds barred, ladder match. Be there, or be square. Livermore Library Update The alleged artist who perpetrated the spelling-challenged art for Livermore's library [PIG News/Only in Amerika/10-08-04] has changed her mind, again, and now thinks that fixing it is a nifty notion. Although she won't admit it, she's probably motivated by the news that her fatally-flawed art is a tourist attraction, thanks, entirely, to her differently-spelled names. People, it seems, are flocking to see the damn thing, so much so, that they make a game out of finding all 11 mistakes. Who said art appreciation can't be fun-filled? Shame on them, whoever they are. Ms. Alquilar, the art fiasco's perpetrator, just won't have these Philistines maligning her masterpiece like that, so she let Livermore's mayor talk her into fixing the damn thing. Am I the only one who thinks her art is more interesting, just the way it is? I doubt it. Emerilizing Airport Searches The Transportation Security Administration just Emerilized the 'pat down search', by mandating a comprehensive, hands on, beneath the clothes, sweater puppy inspection that requires "...going beneath, between, and above the breasts..." (Bee). You can bet the farm that this new sweater puppy inspection will be inflicted on oppressor women, exclusively, while that burka babe trailing fuse wire and making ticking noises will be passed thru, untouched. The TSA banned ethnic profiling, remember? Faced with these Draconian TSA edicts...edicts that target those least likely to be dangerous...the flying public's growing aversion to getting on that plane makes perfect sense. Thanks to these brain-dead, terminally Korrect bureaucrats, flying just isn't worth the trouble. Afterthought Holy Rollers Diss P & G Procter and Gamble incurred sufficient holy roller wrath to earn "boycott the bastards" hostility from two Morality Nazi cabals: the American Family Association, and Focus on The Family. P & G's sin involves, as if you couldn't guess, coddling GLAAD BAAGs. After filtering through WND's 'GLAAD BAAGs are turbo icky' sludge, I disinter P & G's cardinal sin: the Cincinnati-based company is involved in a campaign to overturn 'a local law barring special rights for homosexuals' (WND). Shocking! Utterly shocking! Focus on the Family's top goose-stepper, James Dobson, lays bare his...soul in this revealing tidbit:
Translation: Dobson thinks that government-enforced discrimination is nifty, as long as the Nanny State targets the 'right' groups: atheists, secular humanists, and, of course, GLAAD BAAGs. Does anyone still doubt that inalienable individual liberty and Cross Cult supernaturalism are mortal enemies? Them's Fighting Words...UsuallySource: Patriot-News (Harrisburg, Pennsylvania) [10/08] When the Elephant Clan hacks who control Pennsylvania's Senate broke their promise and stifled debate on certain amendments to their slot machines bill, Donkey Clan (state) Senator Vince Fumo went high volume postal, calling Senate President Pro Tempore Robert Jubelirer, R-Blair, and Majority Leader David "Chip" Brightbill, R-Lebanon, "faggot", several times. This Pennsylvania fishwrap didn't share Senator Fumo's other epithets with us, but I'm willing to guess he found time use all the nifty ones...You know the ones I mean. After the dust settled and Senator Fumo chilled out, he realized that an apology was needed, so he phoned a dude named Mark Segal to apologize for using the 'other' f-word, "faggot". Who in blue blazes is Mark Segal, you ask? He's the publisher of a GLAAD BAAG fishwrap named 'The Philadelphia Gay News'. Since Vince is Donkey Clan - a lefty, no doubt - and, therefore, a GLAAD BAAG coddler, he was forgiven, without fanfare. Let some Elephant Clan hack drop the 'other' f-bomb, and the ensuing GLAAD BAAG hissy fit would come through loud and clear, on Pluto. Rampant GLAAD BAAG hypocrisy? You better damn believe it, bun-ranger Sparky. Spelling Challenged Artist When the Livermore (Mexifornia) library unveiled it's new 16-foot, ceramic art whizbang, they weren't exactly thrilled about the artistic license taken with the spelling for the stellar names featured prominently in the goodie. When they examined the alleged art closely, the thrilled spitless librarians counted a show-stopping 11 spelling mistakes. Bold new concept. Am I the only one who thinks that a $40,000 dollar price tag should include spell-checking? Apparently not, because the city's check-writing bean counter wants it fixed. "No problem", Florida-based - alleged - artist, Maria Alquilar, replied. "All it will cost you is another $6,000, for travel expenses." After the council voted the additional $6,000 and the story hit the news, things got interesting for the alleged artist. Within days, citing a deluge of "vile hate mail", Ms. Alquilar changed her mind about correcting her mistakes:
Philistines who don't appreciate her differently-spelled artistic vision are beneath Ms. Alquilar's contempt, apparently. Besides, proper spelling is ridiculously overrated. Shame on Livermore for shackling Ms. Alquilar's artistic vision to such petty, Bourgeois, concerns. How dare they! Glass half full cretins will point out that this allegedly-artistic Florida voter got 164 out of 175 right...a solid 93%. Glass half empty pests - like me - wonder if any government cess-schooled dolts will notice the spelling errors. Hell, I'm wondering if government cess-schooled idiots with self esteem can even read the names. I doubt it, and, you can bet the farm that those who can read the names couldn't tell you who Einstein, Shakespeare or Michelangelo is if their lives depended on it. Afterthought West Virginia Cable Thieves Charter Communications smelled a cable service stealing rat in West Virginia and tracked the thief down to - drum roll please - the state capitol. Their investigation uncovered '80 unauthorized "drops" or cable lines' (Gazette) that have been boosting cable access for over 20 years. Government-perpetrated cable theft? I'm shocked, shocked, I tell you. Have they no shame? The excrement is, inexorably, flowing downhill and is destined, it seems, to find a home in the state's General Services Division. According to the Gazette, here's how it started:
That's news to Cablevision, a firm that has changed hands at least three times since the 1980s. Fear not, this government-sanctioned monopoly is working on a bargain with their hack masters to, legally, wire the capitol for cable access, plus, achieving a mutually-satisfying financial settlement for two decades of free cable service. As thrilling as this is for all concerned, I am compelled to ask the burning question: "What did Blithering Bobby Byrd know about this and when did he know it?" Afterthought
How, exactly, is cable signal leakage any of Uncle Sam's damn business? Where, exactly, is that spelled out in the U.S. Constitution? Border InsanitySource: World Net Daily [10/01] Thanks, largely, to Immigration Czar Asa Hutchinson's monumental ineptitude, al-Qaida perpetrated a scheme that would put al-Qaida operatives inside the Mexas firm, Wornikc Co., that makes our military's 'ready-to-eat' meals. Since Asa won't turn his job over to someone with a functional brain, the U.S. Justice Department stepped up to the plate and shared the thrilling news with Amerikan citizens:
This resulting raid on Wornick's McAllen (Mexas) plant didn't bag any terrorist asshats, but, as a consolation prize, the FBI bagged a dozen 'undocumented' border jumpers, nailing them for 'conspiring to make and use false employment eligibility verification forms' (WND). Thanks to Asa's mind-boggling incompetence, these terrorist asshats, come 'thisclose' to poisoning our troops. So far - keep your fingers crossed - no poisoned military rations have been found, no thanks to Asa the Assclown. This reeking bureaucratic turd needs to dumped like a bad habit, by any damn means necessary, because his ineptitude endangers this nation and the troops who risk their lives defending us. NOVEMBER 2004
Assorted News Nuggets Source: Pagan Scribbler News Wire [11/30] Provo, Utah The Big Apple Red-Faced In Denver Chicago Your Tax Dollars At Work According to this kilted fishwrap, Bubba (William Jefferson Clinton) gave his okey dokey to a special Psychic Spying Unit's plan to - I am not making this up - find Nessie. If this story is real, our government is hip-deep in Art Bell territory and the people running this Psychic Spying Unit are several tacos, and an enchilada, short of a combo platter:
If you want all the thrilling details, you need to bag a new book by Jon Ronson "The Men Who Stare at Goats", the primary source for this fishwrap piece. As weird as this story is, it gets even better:
The Nessie caper transpired when Major Ed Dames decided to establish pyschic contact with Nessie, for some damn reason. Proving how distracted regular Monica hummers made him, Bubba gave this notion his okey dokey when it landed on his desk. I'm guessing that this tome won't be landing on the Bubba-loving New York Times best seller list in this, or any other, lifetime. Letting It All Hang Out In Pennsylvania An old enough to know better Pennsylvania denizen who, routinely, thrilled his neighbors spitless by wandering around stark naked inside his house - with all the shades up - finally crossed the line into an indecent exposure charge, when he decided to hang out his laundry in his backyard, starkers, while his neighbors watched. The fact that one gaping in disbelief neighbor is a 12-year old wenchlet prompted the local authorities to shut down his show and tell with the aforementioned indecent exposure charge. At last report, this legalized abuse prodded our hero into shutting his drapes, ending the peep show, for the moment. Afterthought: Princess Antoinette's Daring Adventure When American Express discovered that Antoinette Millard isn't the Saudi Princess she claimed to be when she nailed them for big bucks, the company got a court order to freeze a hefty $951,000 of the wench's assets to cover her unpaid credit card charges. Unwilling to tolerate such legally-sanctioned 'abuse', the wench launched her own shyster drama, suing American Express for a nifty $2,000,000 in dead presidents. This poignant epic sizes up as something like this: Antoinette: "I'm a Saudi Princess. Make me an offer I can't refuse." Antoinette is also on the bubble for an unrelated insurance scam that involved her claiming a $262,000 settlement from an insurance company for 'stolen' jewelry that she sold, before making the claim. Why would anyone trust this woman with anything more valuable than a used paper clip? Blazing Away In Cheesehead Land After a property owner warned him that he was hunting/trespassing on private land, a Hmong immigrant Emerilized deer hunting, big time, when he administered a high caliber room temperature transition on six other hunters. Philosophically, this pagan endorses the concept that hunters should 'kick it up a notch' and start - by mutual agreement - hunting each other on designated hunting reserves. Tragically, this story isn't quite that civilized, since this killer, Chai Vang, murdered several unarmed men. Among the eight people Mr. Vang shot, only one had a gun, so self defense is not an reasonable defense option. I'm guessing that the usual Ethnocrat suspects will circle the wagons around this trigger happy hothead and invoke every sob story at their disposal: he had a crappy childhood; he's a tragic product of cultural disruption; he's a victim of blatant oppressor discrimination; it's unjust to cite a capitalist tenet like property rights to a dude who grew up in a communist nation; you can't demand logical behavior from a dude cursed with a classically Asian, non-linear brain. Blah...blah...blah...He came, he saw, he killed without provocation, just shoot the bastard and be done with it. Justice, Jersey Style The first mistake four New Jersey punks made, when they robbed a Trenton citizen of $1500 on his doorstep at gunpoint, was threatening to return and rape his two teenage daughters. When the punks took off in their getaway ride, their victim, Robert Neal, jumped into his SUV and gave chase. After ramming into the getaway car, the outraged crime victim didn't back off when one desperado started shooting at him out the getaway ride's rear window. The chase culminated when Mr. Neal rammed the getaway car a second time, sending both cars careening into the median. That's when the chase turned deadly.
The scorecard for this heist is as follows: one room temperature punk, two incarcerated punks and a fourth 'thisclose' to joining his surviving homeboys as Bubba's Bitch in the local graybar. Kudos to Robert Neal for - literally - going the extra mile to keep his daughters safe. Kreskin To The Rescue Billing himself as "the world's foremost mentalist", the (allegedly) Amazing Kreskin plans to, singlehandedly, clean up New Jersey's ethically-challenged state government. If some hack even thinks shady thoughts while Kreskin patrols those government halls and meetings, Mr. Amazing will sense it in a tick, track it back to the source and then impose his fabled - as yet unspecified - cleansing on them. As wacky as this sounds, Kreskin is so deadly serious that he made this offer, in writing, to New Jersey's acting governor, Richard J. Cody. Setting aside the obvious question - what the hell is Kreskin smoking - we're left with the troubling realization that Kreskin believes his own bullshit. This allegedly-Amazing nitwit needs to increase the voltage on his shock treatments, stat, before he has a fatal encounter with one of Jersey's countless bad boys. Motorized Techno Ninnies If, like me, you travel the freeways - highways, if you prefer - during your regular commutes, you've seen all the familiar driver distractions: wenches applying make-up while driving; dudes reading the paper while driving; cell idiots too busy dialing their phone to watch the road. As annoying, alarming, as these are - especially when the distracted driver is right behind you - they're nothing compared to the latest, 21st Century, high tech distractions. In their vast, Nanny State wisdom, many states outlaw televisions that the driver can watch while motoring, but, technology offers many new, improved, distractions to make tech-bonkers nitwits a hazard to highway navigation. The most popular new distractions include, but are not limited to:
Unlike Nanny State ninnies, this pagan doesn't favor a government imposed solution. If some tech toy obsessed motorist causes an accident, he, she, or it must be eviscerated via a lawsuit plus insurance premiums that rival our national debt. This distracted driver crap is a legitimate reason for our court system. On the off chance anyone gives a damn I'll trot out my personal view on distracted drivers: Play your techno geek games all you want, but, when you nail my ride while you're distracted, I'll come down on you like the wrath of Old Ka-Boom. Go ahead, techno twerp...make my day. Getting A Bit Too Real Empire State governor, George Pataki, apologized after his media consultant, Arthur Finkelstein, got too "real", during an interview with an Israeli fishwrap. Artie boy dared to paint a vivid - and utterly accurate - picture of the post-election Elephant Clan:
The governor can apologize all he wants, but he knows that his friend Artie is right. Arlen Specter's highly publicized tussle with VRWC righteous righties proves Artie's point. Close to home, Rudy Guiliani's oval office aspirations are roundly condemned by the holy roller right because he's "pro choice". "RHINO!" These righteous righties accuse, pinning a Republican In Name Only tag on Rudy. "We don't want no RHINOs," red state retards insist, demonstrating to my satisfaction that Artie has it nailed. His one and only sin is saying it out loud, on the record. Sunshine State Silliness Sunshine State shrinks have their Freudian panties in a bunch because VRWC [vast right-wingnut conspiracy] icon, Rush Limbaugh, offered free therapy to liberals traumatized by John Kerry's defeat. Much too serious for their own good, Sunshine State Shrinks condemned Rush's witty repartee, going off the deep end about their newest psychobabble malady: Post Election Selection Trauma (PEST). Although PEST reeks of self-parody, these American Health Association couch wranglers are deadly serious. VRWC members probably agree, since most opined - long before election day - that anyone punching a chad for Kerry has to be clinically bonkers. The malady is no laughing matter to the pathetic losers who convinced themselves that they need their brains shrunk:
Grief? Terror? That's S.O.P. for liberal asshats. But, no way in hell can you convince me that any lefty on this planet - past present or future - is afraid to whine about his plight. That's not gonna happen in this, or any other, reality, trauma twerp. Liberals learn to whine in the womb and keep caterwauling until the grim reaper comes to punch their hanging chad. Kudos, Rush, for, once again, lighting a humor-intensive fire under Sunshine State lefties. Arkansas Artillery The rustics in Clintonia's (Little Rock, Arkansas) Acxiom Corporation were told to - I am not making this up - 'leave their deer hunting rifles at home because the president and three former presidents are coming to town to open Bill Clinton's presidential library' (Reuters). This isn't quite as ominous as it seems, since the company's building is within spitting distance of the new Bubba shrine. According to this piece, deer hunting season just opened, so rustic hunters pack fire power while riding to and from work, just in case. When they spot Bambi in an unguarded moment during the daily commute, ka-blam, room temperature Bambi. Learn something new every day. Afterthought Holiday Flamingos Cranston (Rhode Island) mayor, Stephen Laffey, asked for it last winter when he 'encouraged residents to put seasonal displays he deemed appropriate on City Hall's front lawn' (AP). A menorah started the citizen perpetrated festivities, followed by a blow-up Frosty, Old St. Nick, then a Nativity. Mayor Steve drew a line in the snow when a local wit added the icon from the "Church of the Pink Flamingo": plastic pink flamingos in Santa hats. That's when the mayor granted himself exclusive veto power over "proper" additions to the holiday display. Before you could say "ACLU", Mayor Steve scored shyster drama bingo. The ACLU served up a two-pronged shyster assault on Mayor Steve, claiming that Steve violated Church-State separation and tramped on the flamingo-wrangler's free speech. This week, a U.S. District judge told the ACLU asshats, in essence, "you're half right". Mayor Laffey is Church-State separation cool, but his veto did cross the line into free speech infringement. That's sounds nifty to this pagan, how about you? It's encouraging to know that at least one Cranston denizen has a sense of humor when it comes to publically professed supernautralism. Kudos are deserved and eagerly conferred on Cranston's flamingo wrangler. Am I the only one who wonders what he, she, or it has planned for this holiday season? Election Cycle Fallout Two stories about the recently concluded election cycle's fallout caught this pagan scribbler's attention this week. Ironically, both extremes of the supernaturalist spectrum are alarmed over the elections results, but for different reasons. Puzzled? Perhaps a few quotes from a San Diego Union-Tribune piece will help you cope:
For the opposing view, we pull these tidbits from a story posted on a South Carolina boob tube site:
Bob Jones III needs to stay away from the sacramental wine, because if there's a paganism agenda at work in Amerika, it's news to this pagan scribbler. On the other hand, the San Diego-based atheists need to stop feeling sorry for themselves and knock off the whining. Everybody needs to step back, take some deep breaths and chill. Don't make me come over there. A Korrectnik Caper Goes Wrong When Amherst (Mass.) Korrectniks decided to honor "Puerto Rican Month" by raising the Puerto Rican flag over the city, they should have aimed a memo at Town Meeting member Patricia Church. Mistaking the Puerto Rican flag for the Mexas state flag - they are amazingly similar - the disgrunted, 'I hate W so much' wench took the offending flag down. Initially, after the Puerto Rican flag went missing, the usual whiners thundered about racial/ethnic bias, but everyone chilled in a heartbeat after Ms. Church admitted her mistake. Hate Puerto Rican's? You're racist scum. Hate George W Bush? No harm, no foul, we feel your pain, sister. That works like a champ, for Korrectniks, but, as usual, I have some questions for Ms. Church:
Attention Ms. Church: W won the election and tearing down the Mexas flag won't change that fun fact. I strongly suggest that you get over it, darlin. Otherwise, it's gonna be a very long 4 years. You heard it here, first. More Big Dig Problems Boston's multi-billion dollar boondoggle, the Big Dig, leaks like a rusty bucket and it'll take at least 10 years and countless billions - ka ching - to fix it, according to a consultant hired by the Massachusetts Transit Authority. All hail the Big Dig, a universe-class boondoggle that keeps eating taxpayer dollars by the truckload. I should throw a fit over this tax dollar rathole, but, it's not gonna happen. The state that perpetrated John Kerry and Teddy Kennedy deserves whatever the Big Dig boondoggle dishes out. It's their boondoggle hell and I'm smug - in the extreme - about letting these Bay State lefty taxpayers get extra crispy paying for it. The Winning Ticket Caper William Foreman decided to cash in on his security officer for the Indiana Lottery position and his personally enriching ($1,000,000 in dead presidents) scheme succeeded, up to a point. Armed with inside info that a winning ticket for the "$2,000,000 Bonus Spectacular" was residing in Cross Point, Indiana's Otters Grocery, Mister Lottery Security paid two cohorts $25,000 each to get that winning ticket:
This scheme fell apart like a cheap suit, after the store clerk, the police and Indiana Lottery officials started asking all those scheme-exposing questions. Just like that, our sticky fingered hero landed in very hot water. As secretary for the Indiana State Fraternal Order of Police, Mr. Foreman should feel right at home in the local graybar. Let's hope so, because he could be there for up to 50 years. How, exactly, did this ethically-challenged dude get a job securing anything more valuable than pre-chewed bubble gum? Enquiring minds damn sure want to know. When Things Go Wrong... Three Lynwood (Washington) desperados got more than they could handle when they invaded a dude's trailer park home, one fine morning. Their plan unraveled when the homeowner greeted their unwanted intrusion with a machete, but that was just the beginning of their bad luck. Their home invasion turned into a headlong retreat when their intended victim's neighbors joined the melee, armed with baseball bats. That fast, the home invasion turned into a rout. Guided, in large part, by tattletale, machete and baseball bat-induced, wear and tear, Sheriff's deputies easily identified two fleeing desperados. The third home invader is still at large, but won't be hard to spot, because, machetes and baseball bats leave very distinctive wounds. Kudos to the homeowner and his neighbors for teaching these home invading asshats a painful lesson. Moronic Maggot Mumbling Before the election, the Maggot portrayed a W second term as the death knell for our nation. The Maggot bellowed that, given 4 more years, W would, singlehandedly, destroy everything lefties hold dear: FDR's welfare state legacy, our government educrap system, the social safety net, the environment, peaceful relations with the rest of the planet, a truce with terrorist asshats...yada, yada, yada. Fast forward to the present and the Maggot perpetrates a lip-flapping 180, claiming that W is, essentially, powerless:
As usual, the Maggot gets it half right...at best. Yes, W is a lame duck, but he's far from powerless. Even those terminally annoying lefty talking heads opine that W will have at least a year of unmitigated effectiveness, before the lame duck label begins taking a toll on Oval Office clout. That sounds right to this pagan scribbler, but don't hold your breath waiting for the Maggot to jump on this bandwagon. Facing grim reality isn't the Maggot's best move. Afterthought Holy Overkill, Batman! Oklahoma City's littering law is so Draconian that dropping one sunflower seed on the pavement earned an Oklahoma City woman a hefty $185 fine. Ouch! And it gets worse if you're not a first time offender. The law is, deliberately, vague in its litter definition: anything that falls out of your ride is considered litter. Does your ride leak oil? Does your ride bleed radiator fluid? Did your cancer stick ash get blown out the window? Did you dump the ice from your drink out the window? Any 'yes' costs you up to $200 for your first offense and much more if you're a repeat offender. Is this an enriching - for the city coffers - edict? You better believe it, petty hack tyrant Sparky. Afterthought Arizona's New Illegal Immigrant Edict Arizona's newly enacted proposition 200 imposes certain restrictions on anyone seeking 'public benefits' or 'registering to vote'. Henceforth, anyone seeking certain tax-funded handouts or trying to vote must serve up proof of citizenship, or they're S. O. L. Furthermore, any government employee who doesn't report any illegal immigrants seeking government largess or ballots faces jail time and/or fines. Big, big fun. Needless to say, Arizona's border jumping horde is thrilled spitless. Terrified by this new edict, 'immigrant parents' yanked their nippers from Head Start programs. Elsewhere, a dude whose lovely bride is an illegal, reports that his wife is so terrified by this new edict that she refuses to leave the house. Am I supposed to give a damn? If our laws are so intolerable to border jumping scumbags, the solution is very goddamn simple: pack your bags and go back home, where you belong. Adios, border-jumping scumbags and don't come back. DECEMBER 2004
Shape Up, Or Ship Out Source: San Francisco Chronicle [12/29] Darlene Jespersen's 20 year stint as a Harrah's bartender ended ignobly, after the Reno gambling den imposed a dress code that mandated makeup for female employees. The drama unfolded, something like this: Harrah's: "Henceforth, wear makeup - foundation, blush, mascara, lip color. This is not a drill." Darlene: "Bite me." Harrah's: "You're fired." Darlene: "I'm gonna sue you for gender discrimination." Harrah's: "Go ahead...Make our day." This week, Darlene hit a speed bump on shysterville highway when the way lefty, 9th Circuit Court of Appeals shot down her shyster assault by a 2 to 1 vote. Harrah's company. Harrah's rules. Game, set, match, Darlene. Hanging Tough In The Empire State New York's DMV Commissioner, Raymond Martinez, isn't impressed by the whining activists who complain about Raymond's 10-month old crackdown on driver's license fraud. Stressing the security needs posed by this post-September 11 world, Commissioner Martinez defended his decision with compelling vigor:
PIG confers heartfelt kudos on DMV Commissioner Martinez for defying the perpetually-whining, border jumping scumbag coddling lobby. The Perils Of Public Access Cable An Ohio family discovered, the old fashioned way, that public access cable programming isn't for sissies. Seeking the scheduled public access fare - Christmas music by a local Toll Booth's choir - on Christmas morning, they started their holiday festivities with a bang, literally. Instead of the pious warbling, these unsuspecting Buckeyes tuned into some warts and all 'wham, bam, thank you ma'am' porn tape action. This story's "well, duh" moment is dished up by a Time-Warner spokeshole:
The wrong tape? No shit, cable clown Sparky. Painting A Bull's-Eye On Wall Mart After her manic-depressive daughter killed herself, Shayla Stewart's mother, Lavern Bracy, needed a deep pockets 'someone' to blame. Quickly examining her potential victims, she sued Wal Mart - she demands $25,000,000 - for selling her clinically bonkers daughter the gun. Since Lavern's daughter had a prescription for anti-psychotic medication at Wal Mart, Lavern decided that the store should have known better than sell Shayla a gun. Why didn't their mandatory gun buyer screening catch this fun fact, Ms. Bracy demands? It's a good question for which there is an equally good answer:
Added to these two tidbits is the inconvenient fact that Shayla lied about her mental condition when she filled out the 'I wanna buy a gun' form and this case would appear to be a slam dunk in Wal Mart's favor. It should be, but given what passes for jury selection in Twenty-First Century Amerika, don't be the farm on it. I predict that, despite the facts, Wal Mart gets nailed because they have deep pockets and are, curiously, despised by so many people. Whatever the case, when this shyster assault is completed, PIG will bring you all the gruesome details. Stay tuned... D.C. Baseball Back On Track D.C. Council Chair, Linda W. Cropp, bent, but didn't break on her private financing requirement for the proposed MLB stadium deal. Private financing is still in the game, but it's no longer a 'money in the bank, before we turn the first shovelful of dirt' condition. Kudos to Council Chair Cropp for hanging tough and striking a better bargain for the district's taxpayers:
This 'private financing' gig is, quite likely, nothing more than political hack smoke and mirrors, but this pagan is enjoyed seeing MLB's tax plundering punks get turned down, even if it was a temporary phenomenon. A Lesson In Capitalism? After Arkansas' attorney general implied - very forcefully - that Ford Motor Company egregiously exaggerated the goodies included on their Crown Victoria Police Interceptor model, the car company responded forcefully. Ford officials decreed that no Police Interceptors will be sold or delivered to any police agency in Arkansas. So there.
Still pressing the issue, the state's attorney general's office plans to conduct a 'side by side comparison of different' Ford models, in the state police garage. Take that, Motor City punks! This whiz-a-thon seems headed for shysterville, so don't hold your breath waiting for state officials and Ford Motor executives to schedule a 'all is forgiven' press conference in the near future. So be it. Afterthought Instant Justice A Texas City woman who woke up to find an intruder in her bedroom in the wee hours of the morning took matters into her own hands and gave the housebreaker a lesson he won't soon forget. I'll let this Mexas fishwrap do the heavy lifting on the thrilling details:
As expected, the proper authorities caution that law-abiding citizens should refrain from emulating our heroine. That might be standard police prose, but this pagan scribbler isn't saddled with such asinine restrictions. PIG salutes our heroine for giving this housebreaking punk a painful lesson. You done damn good, darlin and that's a no shit fact. Afterthought Thrilling Hillary News Alarmed News Max scribblers warn that new polls show Hillary thrashing several Elephant Clan aspirants, in a potential Oval Office derby: Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist, Florida Governor Jeb Bush and New York Governor George Pataki. Curiously this Fox Opinion Dynamics poll doesn't test her against more potent Elephant Clan rivals like Rudy Guiliani or John McCain. It must be a very slow news day at News Max, if this is the hottest breaking news they can find. Today's News Nitwit Talking Point Eagerly reporting Amerikan intolerance, breathless News Nitwits shout the thrilling - to them - news that 'nearly half' of Amerikans want to repeal some, if not all, rights of 'Muslim-Americans'. This tolerance tidbit stems from a survey perpetrated by the eggheads at Cornel University, and must, therefore, be approached with considerable skepticism. An AP factoid hints at pollster/News Nitwit bias:
The egregiously touted "nearly half" translates as 44% who favor 'at least some' restrictions on Amerika's resident Mecca Maniacs. That's hardly breaking news, since 'some restrictions' would, necessarily, include closer scrutiny of young Mecca Maniac men who book flights. Other poll results include a smaller percentage - 29% - that favors making Amerika's resident Mecca Maniacs registering their home addresses with the feds. Do these poll results make Amerika egregiously intolerant? That depends on one vital, unreported, fact that is, curiously, missing from all the published reports on this subject: How, exactly, were these polling questions worded? This pagan scribbler needs to see the actual questions, before he's going to get all choked up about rampaging Amerikan intolerance. It's a rational adult thing, so get over it already. Your Tax Dollars At Work Tucked away in the fine print of the $388 billion dollar spending bill that federal hacks enacted last month was a nifty pork barrel goodie that sends $1,000,000 of your money to the Norwegian American Foundation, thanks to Congresspunk Martin Sabo. This porcine federal largesse will be used 'to commemorate the 100th anniversary of Norway's peaceful independence from Sweden in 1905' (Star Tribune). No doubt you're as thrilled as I am to discover that we just got screwed and we didn't even get a peck on the cheek from some blonde, Norwegian hottie. Where, exactly, does the constitution make this legicrat bovine excrement a legitimate government function? It's no shit Enquiring Minds time in the pagan bunker. Baseball Hits A D.C. Speed-Bump The quest to return major league baseball (MLB) to the nation's capitol hit a speed-bump this week when City Council Chair Linda W. Cropp rammed through a revision to the terms agreed upon by Mayor Anthony Williams and MLB in September. The original agreement put the financial burden squarely on the city - the taxpayers - but that's all changed now that Council Chair Cropp pushed through her measure to offload half the cost for the new stadium onto "private financing". Faster than a Nolan Ryan fastball, MLB officials had a hissy fit, threatening to pull the plug on the deal to move the Montreal Expos to D.C. Kudos to Council Chair Cropp for hanging tough on this public financing scam that MLB loves so majorly. No doubt, MLB's sorry trackrecord made Ms. Cropp question the original '100% government financing, up front' agreement. She must know that, time and time again, pro sports franchises in general, and MLB franchises in particular, pull up stakes and move to greener, public-funded, pastures, leaving their former city with stadium-size money pit on their hands. Council Chair Cropp should tell MLB to take their public financed ballpark money pit and shove it where the sun don't shine. Airport Insecurity The baggage screeners at Newark's (New Jersey) Liberty International Airport spotted the bomb that TSA security dolts slipped into a bag, then, miraculously, lost track of the damn thing. Unaware that the bomb was just a fake planted by their TSA bosses, the baggage screeners searched high, low and in-between, without success. The bomb made it onto the Amsterdam-bound flight and was, subsequently, recovered by Amsterdam's security team. This isn't the first time these Jersey baggage screeners flunked an unannounced, TSA security test. In October, the same alert dolts 'missed one in four fake explosives and weapons' (AP) used to test airport security. If you're in Newark and need to catch a flight, buy plenty of life insurance, just in case. You heard it here, first. Telemarketer From Hell When a Mexas-based telemarketer called Motor City denizen, Jill Beyer, to solicit contributions to a certain veteran's association, our heroine strayed into the phone solicitation twilight zone, big damn time. Aware that the group in question didn't dispense the lion's share of donations to the needy veterans, Jill got exasperated when the telemarketer wouldn't take 'no' for an answer, so she hung up on him. Normally, that would end the matter, but this particular telemarketer wasn't finished with Jill, yet.
The cops are on the trail, but, until the matter is resolved, Jill must keep looking over her shoulder, for an enraged telemarketing asshat. When the Mexas cops track this asshat down, I think 'just shoot the bastard' is the only suitable option. Since he perpetrated his threat in Mexas, offing him shouldn't pose a problem. Traveling Incognito The capitalists masterminding a New Mexico t-shirt company, T-shirtKing.com, hit upon a nifty notion to spare Amerikans from the usual 'Yankee go home' rhetoric when traveling abroad. They call their inspiration "Go Canadian" and it's an enriching idea whose time has come:
Unless you're a masochist, why invite unwanted abuse from the Amerika-hating, international rabble? For a low, low, $24.95, you can "Go Canadian" and spare yourself all the aggravation. That sounds like a plan to this pagan. Hmm...I wonder if it will work in distinctly un-Amerikan Mexifornia? Bold new concept. Airport Smackdown More than a tad annoyed after an airport security asshat groped her, repeatedly, a woman dished up some payback when she slapped the security guard's face with her boarding pass. Up to here with the intrusive "inspection", the 48 year old woman finally snapped, and who can blame her:
Although the proper authorities allowed her to board another flight, they're in no mood to "forgiven and forget". If, as they insist, they decide to charge our heroine with 'misdemeanor assault', I'll pony up the first $20 for her defense fund. You done damn good, darlin' and that's a no shit fact.
2003
Paul Harvey In the Cross-Hairs Source: World Net Daily Paul Harvey laid 'the rest of the story' on the Mecca Maniac doorstep and CAIR - Council on American-Islamic Relations - is mad as hell about it. They demand an apology right damn now because Paul "falsely attributes to Islam two things that are specifically prohibited by our faith, murder and cruelty to animals" (CAIR spokes-punk Ibrahim Hooper as quoted by WND). For those who care, this is the Paul Harvey prose that got their panties in a wad:
Hooper needs to shut the hell up and get real about Mecca Mania. If Islam is all about peace and against killing, who is telling these young Mecca Maniacs that killing in Allah's name gets you rewarded with virgins in the hereafter? It ain't the damn God Squad, CAIR punks. It's you and your Mecca Maniac home boys. On the animal cruelty front, what about those peaceful Mecca Maniacs who - in the name of your deity - pack donkeys with explosives, aim them at the enemy - Israeli civilians or American soldiers - then blow the beast up, for the greater glory of Allah, no doubt. Is that Mecca Mania cool, killing an innocent beast like that? Do these sacrificial donkeys get 72 donkey virgins in the Mecca Mania hereafter? Enquiring minds want to know. Afterthoughts:
Hillary Shoots
Off Her Mouth Comrade Hillary, New York's junior senator and stealth oval office candidate, stage-managed an interview with this Lone Star state fishwrap. The ensuing write-up included two Hillary brain-farts that require pagan attention:
Is this Marxist wench the smartest woman on the planet as her slavishly devoted supporters claim? Not a chance. Is she the most ambitious woman on the planet? You better believe it, Empress Hillary Sparky. First Amendment
Under Assault In Michigan Criminalizing obscene language in public is classic Nanny Government abuse, but Manistee (Michigan) Emerilizes it, big time, in their zeal to nail a sovereign individual named Duane Barton. Barton's criminal outburst happened when he confronted Manistee policeman, Jeff Pefley, in a parking lot. Both agree that they had words, but Barton insists that he didn't swear at the cop. His offense isn't related to what he said; it's how he emphasized it. Grabbing his crotch, Barton is quoted as saying: "I've got something for you, Pefley..." (Record-Eagle). Manistee's Police Chief, David Bachman concedes that Barton's words aren't obscene, then justifies charging Barton with this bovine excrement:
If anything is obscene here it's this asinine law. Any law that criminalizes speech is an intolerable infringement on inalienable individual liberty. Shame on Manistee justices officials for this egregious affront to our Founding Fathers and the First Amendment of our Constitution. Sleeping
It Off A 50-year old Wall Street computer wizard got a lot more transportation for his commuter dollar than he expected, when he caught his evening train from the Big Apple's Grand Central Station. Feeling the effects from an after-work adult beverage or two, he nodded off, waking up much later in a locked railway car that was parked in a White Plains railyard. Determined to escape his involuntary commuter train confinement, he forced open a door, breaking his wrist in the process. After wandering around the railway yard, he ran into some railway workers, taking his painful epic to new levels. Much later, after a prolonged inquisition from the suspicious railway workers then the police, our hero finally completed his commute. Secure in his abode, for the moment, our hero did the properly Amerikan thing: he bagged a shyster and sued the railway for $700,000 dollars, citing his broken wrist as exhibit 'A'. When, exactly, did we become a nation populated by wimps, whiners and shyster-bonkers victims? Enquiring minds want to know. The Great
Hamburger Whiz-A-Thon It's hardly breaking news when two 77-year-old Southern Californski icons get into a pissing contest over something trivial. It's still not stop the presses stuff when the two men are supernaturalist emeritus Robert Schuller and skin magazine pioneer Hugh Hefner. The fun fact that makes this story noteworthy is the reason these natural enemies are feuding. If you're guessing 'Playboy Magazine', you're wrong, although, Bob isn't exactly choked up about that, either. It all began with a television advertisement for Mexifornia-based burger purveyor, Carl's Junior. For those who missed it, the ad is described as follows, by the Chronicle scribblers:
Clever stuff, but tame, in any rational adult's view. A career supernaturalist, Bob shed rational adult, decades ago, so it's hardly shocking that he went postal with these memorable outbursts:
Reportedly - I hope Bob doesn't have a bad ticker - Carl's Junior sales are up, big time, thanks to Hef's ads and the controversy surrounding them. Ironically, Hef's burger hawking implies that - in his case - man does not live by booty alone. Learn something new every day. Home-Brewed
Inferno A land of hanging chads denizen decided that an adult beverage infusion would facilitate the requisite 'holiday spirit', so he fired up his still to run off a fresh batch of moonshine. That sets you up for our Paul Harvey moment and 'the rest of the story'.
Out $50,000 for his garage and rides, our hero earned graybar hotel guest status plus a court date for brewing his own adult beverage. Merry...Happy, dumbass Your Government
In Action I Affirmative action hiring of government cess-school dolts to fill job for life government hack positions explains, to this pagan's satisfaction, the Allentown (Pennsylvania) tax bill debacle. Early this year, some unidentified bureaucratic triple threat flat-liner lost the annual per-capita tax notices. Big fun, but it gets better. Undaunted, these bureaucratic bright bulbs placed microscopic fishwrap ads warning citizens that with or without an official tax notice, they owned Allentown $19.60 each, by June 30. When, quite understandably, the tax bills didn't get paid, these walking brain-farts Emerilized their tax notice stupidity.
Unable to fire the drooling bureaucrat incompetents who perpetrated this civic farce, and unwilling to take the heat generated by outraged citizens, Allentown mayor Roy Afflerbach granted universal amnesty if the taxpayers simply pay their $19.60. I can live with that if he can. So be it. Your Government
in Action II Big Apple hacks continue to reset the bar, ever higher, in their relentless quest to terrorize NYC denizens with asinine edits. Years before smoke Nazis declared war on Big Apple bars and restaurants, the City Council took deadly aim at the city's toy purveyors with a 1999 edict outlawed 'realistic-looking toy guns that might be mistaken for weapons' (Post). Since it's toy-intensive gift giving season, Big Apple toy Nazis are especially busy terrorizing the city's tax base.
According to this Big Apple fishwrap, only 12 clueless 'children' were used for target practice by the NYPD since 1998 and most of them survived to tell the tale. Is this the most productive use for NYC tax dollars? Is this the best way to address the realistic-looking toy issue? The answer to both is 'no god damn way'. If this toy gun crap is a real problem, the best way to resolve it is via consumer pressure. The marketplace is much more efficient in such matters and a lot cheaper. This is classic Nanny Government bovine excrement and we are profoundly unamused. Political
Paranoia Saddam-loving congressman, Jim McDermott - a.k.a. Bagdad Jim - is acting weird again. I'm guessing his keepers lowered the voltage on his daily shock treatments...yes, again. This time, Jim is convinced that W played the Saddam card to ward off some 'unspecified' political trouble with what tragically-delusional Jim views as a 'stage-managed' Saddam capture.
Jim, dude, take your medication like a good boy. Don't make me come up there. Doubling
Up In Weymouth How does one man get nailed for drunk driving twice, within a two hour period? It's not easy, but Weymouth denizen, Michael Murphy pulled it off the other night. Our saga begins in the wee hours - shortly after 1AM - when Weymouth cops spotted our hero doing 60 in a 30mph zone. By the time they caught up to him, our blitzed hero had perpetrated an accident, earning himself a free ride to the drunk tank. Blitzed or not, Michael is a resourceful dude who managed to make bail immediately, after which he liberated his ride from the towing company's impound lot. Since Michael bagged his ride without permission, the towing company notified the police who had no trouble tracking Michael down, a fun fact that leads us to our Paul Harvey moment.
Michael's antics - his fourth DWI - affixed a judicial bull's-eye to his drunk as a skunk ass for assorted traffic violations plus 'driving an unregistered and uninsured car'. Charges also include 'attaching plates', whatever the hell that means. Michael, dude, you're a menace who should be banned from driving, forever, at minimum, but, personally, I'm seriously considering summary execution. Afterthought
The Name
Says It All If - in the interests of science - you contemplated such compelling mysteries as 'what would happen if I set off 19 bug bombs in a 500 square foot house equipped with functional - and operating - gas appliances', wonder no more. A San Diego flat-liner tried it and the results were - to say the least - impressive.
They call these bad boys bug BOMBS for a reason. As much as we all want those uninvited insect guests dead, blowing their asses off is no shit overkill. Life Is Irrelevant
Thanks to a bureaucrat's typo, Robert Richardson's Social Security number got logged when another alleged human achieved room temperature. Officially, 'dead' in Uncle Sam's eyes, he lost his monthly Medicaid and food stamp benefits, plus his bank closed his account and pocketed the money. After showing up 'alive and well', he reclaimed his food stamp privileges - welfare for 'dead' people is standard operating procedure - but a pulse and volitional movement didn't convince Social Security bureaucrats. Their attitude is: You're dead, dude, so stop pestering us with contradictory reality'. Shyster Payday
When Chicago hacks deemed panhandling a crime - disorderly conduct, punishable by fines as high as $500 - in a 1991 edict, they started down a long road toward a shyster drama. It took ten years, but, finally, in 2001, a shyster filed suit, forcing the city to dump the panhandling edict because it infringed on 'commercial speech'. If the matter ended there, I would declare the shyster a hero, but no shyster ever stops short when persisting can earn him a hefty remuneration. Some Bitter Reality: Every twenty-first century shyster drama includes a payoff and this is no exception. The alleged victims - panhandlers ticketed since 1999 - split $99,000. The shyster gets the lions share of $375,000 - minus some minor bureaucratic fees. Do we get the big picture now, lawsuit abuse Sparky? Job For Life
Asshat Californiski's Department of Health Services discovered that 'job for life' means what it says, even when the bureaucrat in question is a career asshat. After watching an assclown named Douglas Vessey terrorize his co-workers for at least 5 years - probably much longer - his bosses, belatedly, listened to the complaints about Doug:
When his bosses finally put letters of reprimand into Doug's files, Vessey hired a shyster who demanded the letters' removal. Failing in that shyster quest and besieged by more complaints, Doug wrote to his department head and assorted state Legicrats, claiming that he, Douglas Vessey, was a victim. When that failed, too, Doug seemed to be headed for the fate he deserved, but appearances are deceiving. If you harbor delusions featuring bureaucratic rationality finally nailing Doug, get a grip. Other than a 30 day suspension in 1997, Doug came through utterly unscathed. That's right, he's still employed, still up to his old tricks, and there's not a damn thing anybody can do about it. Job-For-Life Doug is free to terrorize all he wants and Californski taxpayers got to foot the bill. Afterthought
Homeless
Roulette Two visionary Minnesota counties devised an inspired way to resolve their homeless problems. They shed 4,500 homeless denizens via one-way tickets out of state. Using a typical hack ploy, they dress this get out of Dodge scheme up with a touchy-feely name: A Bus Ticket Forward. In theory, this plan sends the homeless dolt to his, her or its friend, relatives or a new job offer. Big fun, if true, but hacks on the receiving end aren't buying it. Rearranging the Titanic's deck chairs? Perhaps, but give Minnesota hacks props for their one-way bus ticket scam. What the hell, if you can't solve a problem, exporting it is the next best thing. So be it. The Perils
of Piercing If you perpetrate such body adornments as eye brow loops, lip rings, lip studs, nose rings, nose studs, tongue studs, or have more than three earrings per ear, Orange County, Florida doesnÕt want or need you on the on the county payroll. In typical bureaucratic style, this Draconian edict even bans earrings on the upper half of each ear. I'm shocked, shocked I tell you. The justification cited involves 'presenting a professional appearance' for the county services consuming public. That sounds nice enough, but it assumes facts not in evidence. What makes them think the typical Florida voter has sufficient awareness to notice a mega piercing, like a bovine-class nose ring? Is there a shyster assault in the offing, sooner or later? You better believe it, Perry Mason to the rescue Sparky. Lawsuit
Abuse - Playground Pratfall A Connecticut rugrat is the centerpiece for the latest lawsuit abuse incident. During a recent frolic on a Stamford (Connecticut) playground, 2-year-old Konrad Mader did a header into railing, a mishap that earned the lad several stitches to mend his noggin. Oops, no harm no foul should end the matter, but this is shyster bonkers Amerika where 'oops' is never enough. The lad's mommy, Deena, fired off a letter to city officials demanding 'compensation for medical bills, pain and suffering and a "lost wage amount due to his inability to audition or take modeling or commercial jobs while his head heals"..' (Yahoo News). This rugrat is running around, unsupervised, does a header into a railing and it's the city's fault? What, exactly, is Deena smoking these days? NOVEMBER
2003
Your Tax $ At Work Source: Cleveland Plain Dealer Languishing in Cleveland's public housing, a Buckeye wench is suing the city because they aren't jumping through hoops to accommodate her 'special housing needs'. Oh, did I mention that she's a mere wisp of a thing who tips the truck scales at a svelte 772 pounds? It must have slipped my mind. Given the way the city coddles her, she has no reason to complain about any damn thing. You're humongous and that's not their doing; it's yours Hefty. As you can imagine, moving her is a thrilling experience. That window rattling shock that rocked Cleveland last August wasn't an earthquake. It was Carmen Bowen going to the dentist.
Her new digs - available in December - entailed 'removing doors and walls, installing an automatic door operator and panic device, demolishing the existing bathroom and installing a special shower, and putting in a sidewalk to the front door' (Plain Dealer). Did this putrid fishwrap really need to invoke the grotesque image of a one-third ton human hippo naked with that 'special shower' reference? I way don't think so, Tim Hammering
Halloween Korrectniks at a coddling cabal called 'The Southern Poverty Law Center' went postal over Halloween costumes that make the wearer look like an extra-wide load. They call it "body image bias", but a rational adult like me knows rampant Korrectnik bovine excrement when he smells it. Don't these whiners have real problems to solve? If this is your only problem, pack it in and got get a real job in an honorable profession. Enough already! Arresting
Images A 40-foot wide mural decorating a Lexington (Kentucky) company gets on a city council punk's last raw nerve, but he's forced to get over it because the beastly graphic doesn't violate local sign ordinances.
By now you must be asking 'What unforgettable name'. Before we get to the name, we must explain how it evolved. The firm in question sells fans as big as 24-feet in diameter, a product that prompted numerous customers to dub them "Big ass fans". Inspired, the company's owner changed the firm's name from HVLS Fan Co to - drum roll please - the 'Big Ass Fan Co.', a name that spawned the legendary mural. Big Ass Fan Co? You gotta love it, unless you're a humor-challenged hack named Councilman David Stevens. Dave, dude, learn to live with your disappointment. The mural is here to stay. Tax Nazi
Tyranny Pennsylvania tax Nazi's sold an 89-year-old woman's $800,000 farm for $15,000 because she missed a $572 tax payment in 2001. Despite the fact that she never missed another tax payment - before or since - they sold her home to a land developer, kicking the rightful owner out onto the streets in the process. When this story hit the news - and it hit big - the besieged tax Nazi's trotted out all the familiar excuses. It's crap, and we all know it. They jumped at this chance to turn her property into a tax base bonanza by selling it to a land developer. Is stealing an old woman's rightful property what our Founding Fathers envisioned when they enshrined inalienable individual liberty as America's solid foundation? I way don't think so, Tim. Shame on Dauphin County officials for this blatant land grab. Story Update
The 89-year-old Pennsylvania widow who lost her farm over a missed $572 tax payment got it back thanks to an honorable land developer. No shit...a land developer with a keen sense of justice. The man who bought her place at the tax Nazi auction gave the land back to it's rightful owner. Why? In his own words...
Kudos to Mr. Dobson, one of the no shit good guys. 9-11 Scam
Artists There's so much folding green showering 9-11 victims, scam artists worked overtime to grab for this free dead presidents brass ring. A Pennsylvania huckster named Carlton Nash turned his chosen scam into a three-hankie drama.
Claiming that his tragically room temperature bride was the sole family breadwinner, he nailed four charities for a whopping $100,000, until one busted him when he didn't pony up the documentation they kept demanding. His ever changing story started the inevitable unraveling, ultimately revealing his true status - unmarried, out of work construction dude - earned him a justice system encounter. Carlton, dude, everyone knows that the devil is always in the details. Did you really think that nobody would ask you to prove your claims? Look on the bright side, dude. You might not have a wife - dead or otherwise - but you're on the fast track to gaining a husband named Buford. I suggest that you bend over and take...it, like a man. Unwanted
Recognition Executives at the ubiquitous Golden Arches aren't thrilled spitless over their firm's recognition by the newest edition of 'Merriam-Webster's Collegiate Dictionary'.
Ironically, this fast food icon has a training program called 'McJOBS'. It teaches fast food basics to 'mentally and physically challenged people' (AP). Am I the only one smelling a shyster drama in the making? File this epic under 'if the truth hurts, don't kill the messenger'. Mc Job...very cool...very true. A Hack Gets
Real We'll call this game 'Name That Hack'. The rules - such as they are - are so simple that a government cess-schooled dolt can follow them. Read the quote - some cess-school grads might need a rational adult to read it to them - then name the hack who said it. Since this is a toughie, I'll give you a hint: It's a Mexifornia Hack.
If you didn't guess that the hack who said this is Senator Diane Feinstein, I don't blame you. It's so not her. Did somebody, accidently, give this liberal wench a reality check? Enquiring minds want to know. Afterthoughts
Now that Diane is up to speed on Sombrero Stompers, she might want to share this reality check with our Colonista-coddling president. That's this pagan's idea of a public service. An Illegal
Immigration Paul Harvey Moment Whenever rational adults cite the war on terror implications inherent in our porous Southern border, the border jumper coddlers spout drivel about paranoid, Amerikan xenophobes. The next time you hear that argument, remember this fishwrap item:
I'd send a copy of this Sacramento Bee story to 'W',but why bother? There's no way he can read it while his head is rammed up Vincente Fox's ass. Greenwich
Connecticut's Shameless Hottie Certain Greenwich (Connecticut) citizens are outraged that some scandalous hotties wear their thongs in public where obsessively 'decent' people - including...gasp...children - can see them. Before you terminal horndogs - we both know who you are - make a headlong dash for downtown Greenwich, there's one additional fact that puts this story in perspective: the hotties in question are store mannequins in the local Victoria's Secret store window. When a few outraged wenches complained to city hall, they got an all to rare lesson in individual liberty.
Kudos to this Greenwich hack for 'getting it'. His advice is spot on: let the marketplace punish the store if it offends too many potential customers. Holiday Safety
Tip Essentially a deep fryer on steroids, a turkey fryer is a Tim the Toolman solution to cooking your plus-size holiday bird. This popular device is so fraught with peril that Underwriters Laboratories won't touch them with 10-foot toolman tongs. Taking a page from Tim Allen's popular show, Mississippi denizen George Glenn staged a scene worthy of the toolman himself. His key props included a turkey, a plus-size pot filled with boiling oil, and two left feet.
The Readers Digest version goes: oops, sizzle, expletive-replete 'ouch', splash, OUCH, extra crispy George. Don't try this at home. – Compiled by T.D. Treat |
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Copyright 1993-2005 PIG - The Politically Incorrect Gazette
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