that sweet, you've got your new clothes, shoes, pencils,
pens, condoms and bullets, but are you really prepared?
Not until you've read PIG's Back-To-School Survival Kit.
OK kids, uh,
inmates, play time is over and it's time to re-attach the old
ball and chain, cleanse your mind of any independent thought and
forget about any concept of what will soon be your former individuality.
Upperclassmen, oops, I mean Upperclasspersons of gender,
color, or orientation have all been through this before and know
Freshmen, damn, I did it again, Freshpersons, don't fear, PIG
is here to let you know what to expect and to make your orientation/indoctrination
as smooth as possible. You're going into battle and, like any
warrior worth his, her, hisher or its salt, you better be locked
and loaded or you'll get obliterated. It's your mind that hangs
in the balance, Sparky, so put down the Nintendo and get your
butt in gear.
attend one of those cess-schools - and we all know the ones I
mean, so don't play dumb on me - you probably won't need a fully-functional
AK-47, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't arm yourself. You'll
need some of the following items to get you through this war with
your mind unsullied by rampaging Cultural Marxism:
The Cato Institute's
pocket-size copy of the U.S. Constitution and the Declaration
of Independence. You need this to remind yourself that you're
still in Amerika, not a Marxist Gulag.
to use on that peacenik teacher who starts foaming at the mouth
while blithering about its "Hate Amerika" exploits with Cindy
Sheehan, Ramon "Martin Sheen" Estevez and Al Sharpton.
A cattle prod
(pepper spray is marginally acceptable) to ward off that horndog
teacher who keeps trying to grope you.
A crash course
in "Self Hypnosis" is essential if you expect to survive such
mind-shattering sludge as "Black History Month", "Womyn's History
Month", plus months dedicated to the differently sexual, Sombrero
Stomping Colonistas, and Siberian-Amerikans (So-called "Native"
Are we taking copious notes, Back to School Sparky?
We better be, because a pop quiz is not out of the question.
Upperclasspersons need not feel slappably smug, because, they, too are doomed to
do a header into certain annoying changes the Educrats imposed
while you weren't looking:
If you have a teacher named Ms. Danielle
Smith that has unusually muscular legs, shoulders that put a linebacker's
to shame, thick hands and a large Adam's Apple, chances are that
last year, Danielle Smith, was actually Mr. Daniel Smith. Get
used to it, you'll no doubt have many similiar encounters over
the next 4 years.
you plan to bring your own, kiss those Ding Dongs, Ho Ho's, Butterfingers,
Lays, Fritos, Cokes and any/all fun food goodbye, because the
Fat Nazi's are making everyone miserable with their war on student
obesity. [You might as well steel yourself for an annoying, egregiously
intrusive, Gestapo-class interrogation about your eating habits
early in the school year.]
swimming with the prevailing Christian supernaturalism tide, you're
headed for trouble. If, on the other hand, you're differently
supernatural, you're in high cotton. If you worship Tiki statues,
volcanoes, animals that lay eggs, bald headed dudes, dudes with
ZZ Top looking beards that wear Charlie Chaplin hats, towel heads
that strap bombs to themselves or commandeer commercial airliners
filled with innocent people and fly them into buildings with more
innocent people and kill them all, you're free to have extra days
off, special prayer groups, meetings clubs, with no threat of
If you like
silly stuff like the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus, get over it,
because they are deemed uncool for school. Easter and Christmas
are out, but Earth Day and Gay Pride Day are in.
If you're starting
to feel like a donut at a cop's convention, you're finally starting
to 'get it', Sparky. Since PIG is here to get you through your
ordeal, we'll share a few survival tips. For starters, you probably
shouldn't ask your teacher any of these questions:
Is it true
that Tubby Teddy Kennedy is so massive that he's got his own
event horizon which separates the real world from his black
hole of liberal suckage?
Je$$e Translator 7000 decode Ebonics?
profile individuals like Janet Reno, Madeline Albright, Hurricane
Jackie Goldberg, and Rosie O'Donnell populating the progressive
ranks, is butt ugly a prerequisite for liberal women?
If I buy
a movie camera, gain 400 pounds, stop shaving, and spend my
time hounding rational adults, can I call myself a movie maker
like Michael Moore does or, does the "movie maker" job description
include a 'complete and utter moron' requirement?
a tenured teaching position include a "Marxist Asshat" prerequisite,
or am I just having a terminally crappy run of luck this term?
trying to be thrilled spitless about your "Hating Amerika" summer
with Cindy Sheehan, but what, if anything does this have to do
with Algebra, Comrade Egghead?
PIG also shares
some Dos and Don'ts:
Bringing a gun, a knife or drugs (legal and
illegal) will get you suspended.
"individualism", "excellence", "merit", "personal accountability"or
"inalienable individual liberty" will get you expelled.
yourself as a PIGster might get your executed by a Korrectnik
firing squad at high noon. If you feel compelled to read the PIG
Primer out loud in class, you might want to invest in a Kevlar
should avoid the following words and phrases "porker", "bun ranger
bastard", "African-American Asshat", "Marxist Meathead", "peacenik
pinhead", "bra burning harpy" or "some liberated bitch".
"mine". Korrectnik's insist on shared ownership so the approved
term is "ours".
your pal he "throws like a girl". Instead, try to let your differently-athletic
pal down easy by saying "This obviously isn't your game. Maybe
you should stick to a sport you do well, like drop the soap".
I think I hear the bell, I mean siren. Now hurry along now, get
to class, and cleanse that mind of yours. That's what school is
these days, enjoy.
T. D. Treat and P.K. Crowley