Groucho Marx

"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."

"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."

"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."

Steven Wright

"I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'"

" I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly."

"What's another word for Thesaurus?"

W.C. Fields

"I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it."

"Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler."

"Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life."

Rodney Dangerfield

"I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her."

"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet."

"Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' "

"He said 'God beat me to it.'"

Israeli Humor

An Israeli Sense of Humor at United Nations set the record straight.

An ingenious example of speech and politics occurred recently in the United Nations Assembly and made the world community smile.

A representative from Israel began: 'before beginning my talk I want to tell you something about Moses: When he struck the rock and it brought forth water, he thought, "What a good opportunity to have a bath!"

Moses removed his clothes, put them aside on the rock and entered the water. When he got out and wanted to dress, his clothes had vanished. A Palestinian had stolen them!

The Palestinian representative at the UN jumped up furiously and shouted, "What are you talking about? That is a Zionist lie! There were no Palestinians there then."

The Israeli representative smiled and said, "And now that we have made that clear, I will begin my speech."

A True Loss

Let’s get the players straight before we go on with this.. 

LARMONDO "FLAIR" ALLEN

His Companion: Kawanner Armstrong

His Sons :
Christian Allen
Kwan Allen
Larmondo Allen, Jr.

His Daughters :
Deidra Allen
Larmenshell Allen
Lamonshea Allen
Larmomdriel Allen
Larmerja Allen
Korevell Allen

AT AGE 25 - He had 9 Children.
His Father: Burnell Thompson 
His Mother: Esther Allen 
His Stepfather: Bruce Gordy
His Brothers: Burnell Thompson 
Edgar Thompson 
Wil Willis 
Danta Edwards
Reshe Edwards
Mattnell Allen 
Burnell Allen 
Lester Allen
His Sisters: Shannail CraigLekiksha Thompson 
Gwendolyn Carter
Jessica Willis 
Katina Gordy
Grandparents: Delors Allen 
J.C. Allen 
Anna Laura Thompson 
Will Thompson 

GOT THE ABOVE ALL STRAIGHT?

NOW, THE REST OF THE STORY

He was 25 and had 3 sons and 6 daughters. NINE welfare recipients collecting $950 each .....

That equals $8,550 a month! Now add food stamps, free medical, free school lunches, and on and on.

Do the math...$102,000+ /year.

Anyone out there, sittin' on their butt while reading this e-mail, making A HUNDRED GRAND doing nothing? 

Now that, to me, is a real Entrepreneur.

(ALSO, BECAUSE OF THEIR FATHERS DEATH, ALL OF THE KIDS WILL COLLECT SOCIAL SECURITY UNTIL THEY ARE 18)

EVEN BETTER...IF "FLAIR'S"  THIRTEEN BROTHERS & SISTERS FOLLOWED HIS ENTREPRENEURIAL
STRATEGY THAT'S AN ADDITIONAL$1.3 MILLION PER YEAR

BUT WAIT...THERE'SMORE!

IF ALL THIRTEEN BROTHERS AND SISTERS CAN DUPLICATE HIS FEAT OF 9 WELFARE STRATEGISTS THAT BREEDS 117 NEW RECIPIENTS COLLECTING $100,000/YR!!...OR AN ADDITIONAL$11,700,000 PER YEAR... and, THAT'S ONE DAMN FAMILY! 

If Only

You Might Be A Taliban If...

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon 'unclean.'

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

9. You've often uttered the phrase, 'I love what you've done with your cave.'

10. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.

11.You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not.

12. You've ever had a crush on your neighbor's goat.

Top 10 Reasons To Vote Democrat In 2014

10. I'll vote Democrat because I love the fact that I can now marry whom and whatever I want. I've decided to marry my German Shepherd.

9. I'll vote Democrat because I believe oil company's profits of 4% on a gallon of gas are obscene, but the government taxing the same gallon of gas at 15% isn't.

8. I'll vote Democrat because I believe the government will do a better job of spending the money I earn than I ever could.

7. I'll vote Democrat because Freedom of Speech is fine as long as nobody is offended by it.

6. I'll vote Democrat because I'm way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to protect me from murderers and thieves. I am also thankful that we have a 911 service that get police to your home in order to identify your body after a home invasion.

5. I'll vote Democrat because I'm not concerned about millions of babies being aborted so long as we keep all death row inmates alive and comfy.

4. I'll vote Democrat because I think illegal aliens have a right to free health care, education, and Social Security benefits, and we should cut veteran's benefits and take away the Social Security from those who paid into it.

3. I'll vote Democrat because I believe that businesses should NOT be allowed to make profits for themselves. They need to break even and give the rest away to the government for redistribution as the Democrats see fit.

2. I'll vote Democrat because I believe liberal judges need to rewrite the Constitution every few days to suit some fringe kooks who would never get their agendas past the voters.

And the No. 1 reason I'll vote Democrat is:

1. I'll vote Democrat because I think that it's better to pay billions for oil to people in other countries who hate us, but not drill our own oil because it might upset some endangered beetle, gopher, fish or frog.

Two Guys In a Bar

Guy says to his buddy "My wife is weird. I came down for breakfast this morning and she had one of my socks in the frying pan."

I asked her "what the hell are you doing?"

She replied "Just what you asked me to do last night when you came home all drunk and horny."

I swear, I do not remember asking her to cook my sock...

Psychological Hotline

Hello and thank you for calling the Psychological Hotline. Please select from the following menu:

If you are obessive-complusive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. Our operators are far too busy to talk with you.

If you are menopausal, put the guns down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won’t be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, don’t press any buttons, you’ll just mess it up anyhow.

Keith Richards

The Wooden Ball

A man enters a barber shop for a shave.

While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions that he has always had a problem getting a close shave around the back of the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer.

"Just place this between your cheek and gum, at the back of your mouth."

The man places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced!!!

After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, "What habbens if I acchidentally shwallow da ball?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back in a few days, like everyone else does."

The blonde was trying to make some extra money doing odd jobs in her neighborhood.

One man said he had been meaning to paint his porch. The blonde said "I can do that".

The man asked how much and she replied "Fifty bucks"? He said go for it, and showed her where the paint and brushes were.

About 30 minutes later she knocked on the door and proclaimed "I'm done"!
He said, surprised, "you painted the entire porch in 30 minutes"?

She replied "Yep...and by the way,  it's not a porch, it's a Lamborghini".

A Primer On Women

Only In This Stupid World

......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back to get their prescriptions, while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

.....do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.

.....do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters..

.....do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

.....do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

.....do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

EVER WONDER...

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?

Why is it that Doctors call what they do 'practice'?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Why does the word ‘monosyllabic’ have so many syllables?

If the opposite of pro is con, what is the opposite opposite of progress?

Congress!

Nation's Only Unionized Strip Club Closes Forever On Labor Day

The nation's only unionized strip club closed its doors on Monday, the national holiday celebrating labor unions. The Lusty Lady, a San Francisco institution for almost 40 years, was behind on rent and struggling to keep pace with competitors. For the past decade, it had operated as a workers' cooperative.

The club was unionized by SEIU in 1997. In 2003, the dancers joined together and purchased the Lusty Lady for $400,000 in 2003. A former dancer recalled her time there fondly, but noted that "the pay was quite low by industry standards—typically from the low-teens to low-twenties per hour."

The former dancer also observed:

For all its positive attributes, the Lusty hardly wanted for shortcomings. For starters, it was—and I say this affectionately—a dump. The endlessly cheerful support staff made sure that the stage and Private Pleasures booth were tidy, and the dressing room as neat as could be, but the public areas resembled a dimly lit Dionysian hellscape in which one could almost hear the carpet squish.

One of the positive attributes the dancer recalled was that the club had very strict rules on its customers. They weren't allowed to make special dance requests, for example. The dancer found this empowering. Other observers might note that it is also uncompetitive, however. A customer has choices on where to spend money, after all. It seems too many of the Lusty Lady's customers made that choice.

A bold experiment in the history of labor unions has ended. Also, a previously unanswered question has been settled.

Unions can drive even a strip club out of business. 

MATH QUIZ

This really works and will only take you about ten seconds!!!

Amazing it really works this is my all-time favorite movie.

I am very good at math, so I did it in my head, then on paper, and finally on a calculator just to confirm my numerical capabilities.

Each time I got the same answer, and sure enough it IS my very favorite movie EVER!

DO NOT cheat. DO YOUR math, THEN compare the results to the list of movies at the bottom

You will be AMAZED at how scary true and accurate this test is

    1. Pick a number from 1-9.

    2. Multiply that number by 3.

    3. Add 3.

    4. Multiply by 3 again.

    5. Your total will be a two digit number. Add the first and second digits together to find your favorite movie (of all time) in the list of 17 movies below:

    Movie List:

      1. Gone With the Wind
      2. E.T.
      3. Blazing Saddles
      4. Star Wars
      5. Forrest Gump
      6. The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly
      7. Jaws
      8. Grease
      9. The Impeachment of Barack Obama
    10. Casablanca
    11. Jurassic Park
    12. Shrek
    13. Pirates of the Caribbean
    14. Titanic
    15. Raiders of the Lost Ark
    16. Home Alone
    17. Mrs. Doubtfire

Now, isn't that something?

Student Wins Spelling Bee

Da white dude sit nex to me is McGee from Jaxon Mizipy. He got a 94% on the text but no extra points on acount of he have the same skin color as the opressirs of 150 years ago.

Granny ax me to thank all dimocrafts and liberuls for suportin afermative axion. You be showin us da way to true eqwallity. I be gittin in medical skool nex an mabe I be yo doctor since Barrac takn over da healfcare in dis contry.

"Emma come First. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more! Two asses. They come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
 
The lady can't take this anymore, "You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig" she retorted indignantly. "In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives."

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi."

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife.

Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death would be cut by 25% in December from 72 to 54. A spokesman said increases in recent years in the number of suicide bombings has resulted in a shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement saying the move was unacceptable to its members and called for a strike vote. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth".

Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands, Al Qaeda chief executive Haisheet Mapants explained, "I sympathize with our workers concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditures or laying people off. I don't like cutting benefits but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up.

According to some industry sources, the recent drop in the number of suicide
bombings has been attributed to the emergence of Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle.

Many Muslim jihadist's now know what a virgin looks like, and have
reconsidered their benefit packages.

Grocery stores bagged our groceries in brown paper bags, that we reused for numerous things, most memorable besides household garbage bags, was the use of brown paper bags as book covers for our schoolbooks. This was to ensure that public property, (the books provided for our use by the school) was not defaced by our scribblings. Then we were able to personalize our books on the brown paper bags.

But too bad we didn't do the "green thing" back then.
We walked up stairs, because we didn't have an escalator in every store and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks.

But she was right. We didn't have the "green thing" in our day.
Back then, we washed the baby's diapers because we didn't have the throwaway kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy-gobbling machine burning up 220 volts -- wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing.

But that young lady is right; we didn't have the "green thing" back in our day.
Back then, we had one TV, or radio, in the house -- not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of the state of Montana.

In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have electric machines to do everything for us. When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap. Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity.
But she's right; we didn't have the "green thing" back then.
We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water. We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull.
But we didn't have the "green thing" back then.

Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service in the family's $45,000 SUV or van, which cost what a whole house did before the "green thing." We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 23,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest burger joint.

But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn't have the "green thing" back then?
Please forward this on to another selfish old person who needs a lesson in conservation from a smartass young person...
We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off...especially from a tattooed, multiple pierced smartass who can't make change without the cash register telling them how much.

THE BIG WEINER KEEPS ON TURNING

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."
— Lyndon B. Johnson

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
— Paul Hornung

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
— H. L. Mencken

"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
— George Bernard Shaw

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.."
— Benjamin Franklin

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.."
— Dave Barry

BEER: Helping ugly people have sex since 3,000.
— W. C. Fields

To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group Salvation in a can!
— Leo Durocher

Saved the best one for last!

One night at Cheers, Cliff Clavin explained the" Buffalo Theory" to his buddy Norm:

"Well, ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.

This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members! In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.

Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine!

That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.."

"Emma come First. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more! Two asses. They come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
 
The lady can't take this anymore, "You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig" she retorted indignantly. "In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives."

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi."

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife.

Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death would be cut by 25% in December from 72 to 54. A spokesman said increases in recent years in the number of suicide bombings has resulted in a shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement saying the move was unacceptable to its members and called for a strike vote. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth".

Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands, Al Qaeda chief executive Haisheet Mapants explained, "I sympathize with our workers concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditures or laying people off. I don't like cutting benefits but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up.

According to some industry sources, the recent drop in the number of suicide
bombings has been attributed to the emergence of Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle.

Many Muslim jihadist's now know what a virgin looks like, and have
reconsidered their benefit packages.

1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach, you are a queer. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet...

2. If you have a cat, you are a homo. A cat is like a dog, but queer—it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its claws, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog..... 'Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here,
Killer!' Now think about how you call a cat..'Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!' Jeeez, you're so queer.

3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on BBQ ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, lobster backs, pickled pig’s feet, or tits. Anything else and you are a Homo in training and undeniably a fag.

4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his toilet; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.

5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee, you're as fairy as Tinkerbelle. A straight man will never be heard ordering a 'Frappe' or a 'Decaf Soy Latte'. If you've put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you've had a man there too..

6. If you know more than six names of non-standard colors or four different types of dessert other than ice cream and pie, you might as well be handing out free ass passes. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap. If you can pick out chartreuse you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than cotton or denim, you are a peter puffer.

7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-assed driver or to cut the prick off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, scratch his nuts or hold his beer.

8. If you do not send this off to all the males on your email list because you are afraid of hurting their feelings then you are definitely on the verge of being a pillow-biting salami smuggler.

A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper. The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."

The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or goes to bed and is asleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn. The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a
glass of water do that?"

The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick..."

Meet Roy Christopher Mullen.

When the 36-year-old posed for his most recent photo for the Tennessee sex offender registry, he made a curious t-shirt choice, as seen above.

In 1997, Mullen was arrested for statutory rape in New Hampshire. He was subsequently convicted and spent more than two years in custody. Mullen, whose parole on the rape count expired in late-2001, was convicted of forgery in 2004 and spent six months in the Merrimack County jail.

1. LaJames has an AK-47 with a 200-round clip. He usually misses 6 of every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive- by. How many muhfuggas can LaJames ice on a drive-by before he gotta reload?

2. Willie has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what be the street value of the rest of his shit?

3. D’wayne pimps 3 ho's. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per day must each ho turn to support D’wayne's $800 per day Crack habit?

4. Raul wants to cut the kilo of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to make 20% profit. How many gram bags will he need to make to gets the 20% upside?

5. Ray-Ray gets $2000 for a stolen BMW, $1500 for stealing a Corvette, and $1000 for a 4 x 4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4x4's, how manyn more Corvettes must he steal to make the 10k for his brother's bail?

6. Pedro got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000 for the hit. If his common-law wife spends $100 of his hit money per month, how much money will be left when he gets out?

7. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with three 8 oz.cans of spray paint with 20% paint left over?

8. Tyrone knocked up 4 bitches in the gang. There be 20 bitches in his gang. What be the percentage of bitches Tyrone knocked up ?

9. LaFawnda is a lookout for the gang. She also has a boa constrictor that eats 5 rats per week and a cost of $5 per rat. If LaFawnda makes $700 a week as a lookout, how many weeks can she feed her snake with one week's income ?

10. Marvin steals Juan's skateboard. As Marvin skates away at 15mph, Juan loads his 357 Magnum. If it takes Juan 20 seconds to load his piece, how far away will Marvin be when he gets whacked ?

NAME____________________
GANG/CREW NAME______________
CRIB_________________

TEACHER: Why are you late?

STUDENT: Class started before I got here.

* * *

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

* * *

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'

GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'

TEACHER: No, that's wrong

GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it. (I Love this child)

US Marines rescue Taliban sex slaves.
Semper Fi...