EXEMPT FROM HARASSMENT CRITERIA

Unless you fit the following, consider yourself and/or your company fair game for the NO-NAD shrills: Mega Rock Star; TV/Movie Star; GQ Model or GQ Wannabe; Ski Instructor; Tennis Pro; Most Professional Athletes; Mailman; and last but not least, the Pool Boy

Sexual harassment in the 21st Century involves a three-pronged assault on unwary males: Suggestive looks; Sexual remarks and Suggestive Gestures. Each empowers hypersensitive wenches to detect the 'hidden meaning' behind otherwise harmless facial expressions, remarks and gestures perpetrated by the rogue male. Rendered virtually telepathic, these future victims deploy an impressive harassment radar that is nearly impossible to evade. No matter what you intended to communicate, the wench knows what she knows and nobody dares to question her.

Until Amerika pulls its collectivist head out of its ass, the most we can do for besieged males is give them a heads-up on each sexual harassment's three-headed monster.

NO-NAD Criminal Theory: Given the dangerously subjective nature of this crime, any personal contact with a female is incredibly dangerous. Once the light impulses received by her eyes are filtered through her emotionally supercharged sensitivities, any facial expression can be interpreted as overtly sexual. A blank or hostile expression might save a man's job, if he's lucky.

Defensive Measures: Experts in this field advocate the 'Star Trek' defense, known in bygone eras as the classic 'blank look' or 'poker face'. If it helps, think of Spock or Commander Data, depending on which generation of Trekkie you are. Another school of thought advocates glares, scowls and grimaces which can be blamed on your computer, the phone system, some kind of car problem. Both are risky, but forced to choose, I'd go for Spock over hostility. The only bullet proof tactic is to not to look at the woman, for any reason.

NO-NAD Criminal Theory: Citing 'tone of voice' and/or 'voice inflection' an egregiously hypersensitive, delusional woman can turn a simple 'hello' into 'I want to hump your brains out.'

Defensive Measures: The only sure fire defense is silence. If you must respond, do so in writing but choose your words carefully. Never, and I mean never initiate any type of communication with a female. Whenever possible, answer in writing - preferably via a computer so she can't cite handwriting analysis as proof of your true intentions.

NO-NAD Criminal Theory: Any movement you make - especially rhythmic movements - can, and will, be interpreted as 'overtly sexual'. In a NO-NAD's diseased mind, rhythmic movements always mean the same thing: you're mentally defiling her. Shame on you, you sick bastard. Got a nervous tick that makes you drum your fingers or rap your pen on the desk? Get over it, or the next action you'll be taking related to your desk will be cleaning it out for the last time.

Defensive Measures: Direct contact - within sight of each other at any distance - is an intolerable risk, one to be avoided at all costs. The seated position, at a table or behind a desk, allows you to safeguard the most dangerous half of your body. The rest of you, the part she can see, is at great risk, but keeping perfectly still, reduces the risk, somewhat.

Avoid situations that put you within eyesight of each other, at any distance. If interaction is essential, conduct your business by phone, or use a computer link. When you must be in the same room, or within visual contact, stay seated, and don't move a muscle. Limit your breathing to a minimum because it can be cited as 'proof' of sexual thoughts, and/or excitement.

– T.D. Treat