We know what you're thinking and you're wrong; PIG isn't staffed by misogynists. Wrong again, this isn't damage control, because we warned you that the previous section didn't apply to you, but you took it personally, anyway. PIG refuses to apologize for self-inflicted wounds to your egregiously fragile psyche. We don't hate women; we don't even hate womyn, because it's not right to hate the mentally challenged. Our attitude towards NO-NAD's is a lot like our attitude toward the neighborhood canine pest. We've got nothing against the mutt...we are willing to coexist, peacefully, if he would stop his relentless yapping, and quit crapping in our yard.

With that settled, we can move on the to the topic at hand: Politically Incorrect Gals. Women by reason of the prenatal, genetic coin toss, but individuals by choice, PIGALs don't need to politicize, publicize, glamorize, or romanticize their hot flashes, ex-boyfriends, cramps or menstrual cycles. PIGals refuse to march, unthinkingly, in lockstep with the feminist movement's brainwashed Fembots. Head and shoulders above their NO-GOOD counterparts, PIGals reject the dehumanizing Fembot ideology. Instead, eschewing compulsory Sisterhood, PIGals forge ahead as that American classic, the rugged individual.

By now, you're wondering who these PIGals are and how can I tell if you're one of them? When you're channel surfing, if you always skip over Oprah, Dr. Phil, anything on Oxygen, Lifetime or The View, but stop whenever Tammy Bruce, Michelle Malkin or Linda Chavez appears, you're a PIGal. If you won't take any crap...If you have the right stuff to tell Bubba Hothands to keep his damn paws off you or you'll punt his nuts into the next county, you're a PIGal. If you enjoy interacting with men...If you understand that boys will be boys, but know where to draw the line, you're a PIGal.

PIGals feel insulted by Big Sisterhood's incessant intrusions into their lives. Self-affirming, a PIGal takes pride in her accomplishments and owns up to her mistakes. She spurns Big Sisterhood's heavy-handed gender profiling and judges people - including men - as individuals. Offended by Big Sisterhood's brazen assault on a man's right to free speech, a PIGal can laugh at our jokes - especially our Hillary jokes. She laughs with us when we make fools of ourselves and, unlike, humor-challenged Fembots can even laugh at herself. A PIGal doesn't want or need nanny government's special privileges; she only wants Uncle Sam and Big Sister to get the hell out of her way and let a woman do what a woman's gotta do.

Now that we bared our souls, we don't promise that we'll stop checking out your boom-boom in those tight pants. We can't swear on a stack of Playboys that our eyes won't tarry a tad too long on your hooters when you wear that clinging top. We'd make the promise, but you would probably laugh at such an obvious whopper. Unlike NO-NAD's, you understand that it's a guy thing and you're confident that you can handle it, without Big Sister's assistance.

See? We're not the mindless brutes you imagined. Ever the gentlemen, we won't gloat, but before we roll out our Pam Anderson Sweater Puppies welcome mat, we need do a Nixon and make something perfectly clear. Your status as a PIGal won't earn you any special treatment from PIG. Just because we respect you, doesn't mean we plan to coddle you. Your sacred cows...your cherished notions are fair game, so don't come running to us, teary-eyed, if we give you a boo-boo on your fragile psyche. As long as you're in the PIG Zone, you're just like any other individual. Believe it or not, it's the highest compliment we can bestow on you. Now that we understand each other, we cordially invite you to enjoy your visit to PIG and hope you'll come back often.

– T.D. Treat

EXCEPT FOR MAYOR PETE, WHAT HAPPENS IF I DON'T SEE ANY REAL WOMEN?