TOP STORY ARCHIVES

WHAT A WONDERFUL WORLD IT WOULD BE • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •

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TRAILBLAZERS
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Why are America’s rugged individuals an endangered species?

North America has a long, storied tradition when it comes to trailblazers and those exceptional humans I call "rugged individuals". The "new world" was not user friendly in the least, but more than 10,000 years ago, in the waning days of an ice age, Siberian trailblazers gazed upon the land bridge across the Bering Straits and asked themselves "I wonder where that leads?". Refusing to shrug it off, these trailblazers started out on a dangerous journey into unknown territory to face its dangers head-on. Why did they risk it? Because it’s a primal human impulse to find out what’s around that next turn in the road, beyond that hill on the horizon, or across that dangerous stretch of ocean.

Millennia later, another influx of rugged, trailblazing individuals started out on their own dangerous journey in boats that were barely up to the challenge of a notoriously unforgiving stretch of ocean. They landed on the new world and began to populate its eastern shores with men and women who dared to dream of a bold, untried form of government. Shaped by the new continent they now inhabited, these liberty-seeking Americans stunned the world by beating the reigning world superpower- England - in a war that they weren’t supposed to win. Far from finished, they threw away the existing political playbook and dared to form a nation whose government was strictly, severely, explicitly, limited to those functions that maximized the liberty of each and every American citizen.

During the years that followed, this nation conceived in liberty continued to produce those trailblazing rugged individuals who, instinctively, carve out their own niche by forging their own, one-of-a-kind identity. They are easy to identify because they’re, invariably the kind of sovereign individual who can’t be tagged with a convenient, one-size-fits-all label, pigeonholed and quickly forgotten.

At the dawn of this nation conceived in liberty, Thomas Paine took up his pen and wrote inspirational words that bolstered the colonists’ fighting spirit during the darkest days of America’s revolutionary war. Later, he traveled to France and risked his life by defying its ruling elites. His unrelenting advocacy for inalienable individual liberty landed him in jail and nearly cost him his life. Just getting started, Paine took on the world’s most powerful lobby, the Christian Church, and fought it to a standstill with a book that’s still widely read "Age of Reason". That last battle alienated Paine from the American mainstream, but he never backed down because "quit" is one word this rugged American individual didn’t have in his vocabulary.

Throughout America’s history, trailblazers - rugged individuals - emerged from the teeming masses, but, the sad fact is that, over the years, decades and centuries following our nation’s inception, America grew soft and produced fewer of these essential individuals as the years passed. For every Thomas Edison, Henry Ford, Mark Twain, Buddy Holly, George Patton or Ayn Rand there were thousands who sought the anonymous comfort that comes from being "another face in the crowd". I’d like to tell you that this trend is reversing itself, but I can’t.

"Back in the day" we would find an elected official like Teddy Roosevelt, Ronald Reagan or Barry Goldwater who was that ultra rare trailblazing rugged individual who defied the odds by winning an election. As much as I want to tell you we still have some of these essential sovereign individuals around, I can't. In 2007, our liberty is being suffocated by a rising tide of dime-a-dozen Elected Tormentors who spout, with meaningless variations, the same liberty-zapping, Nanny State aggrandizing line.

America no longer produces the trailblazers we need and that’s more than a little troubling, because they are so essential to our nation’s survival. In 2007, America is teeming with pretenders who try to pose as trailblazers, but they lack that essential quality: the guts to face your critics in open battle, defeat them in the arena of ideas, then move ahead to face that next challenge. Instead, we have political punks like Jimmy Carter who writes an inflammatory book full of distortions, then refuses to accept a challenge to debate it in a public forum. We have an ambitious woman named Comrade Hillary who has NEVER allowed her views, her qualifications, to be challenged in a open, no holds barred forum. All of Comrade Hillary’s public appearances are scripted, stage managed to a fault and completely controlled, especially those so-called interviews with fawning alleged journalists.

Now and then, one of those rare rugged individuals emerges where you least expect them. That’s certainly the case with author, lecturer and talk show host Tammy Bruce. After starting out as a card-carrying NO NAD, Tammy broke out of that suffocating mold and forged her own, unique identity. She doesn’t drink the RoveCo Kool-Aid and she won’t kowtow to the prevailing lefty loony tune agenda. Trailblazer Tammy’s views are utterly, uniquely Tammy.

A stark contrast to the News Nitwit horde, John Stossel is that rare exception, a rugged individual who refuses to censor himself to please his network news bosses. John’s reports don’t contain a hint of Kool-Aid and they aren’t tainted by the merest trace of the approved lefty news spin. Trailblazer John is quite simply John, a man who defies conventional wisdom and refuses to accept a convenient label.

On a smaller, but no less important scale, Jon Basso, the man behind our favorite burger joint, The Heart Attack Grill, is one of those too damn rare, rugged American individuals. Defying the Fat Nazi horde and the Nanny State nitwits who aid and abet them, Jon blazed his own, restaurant industry trail at a time when most people - foolishly - believed all the great ideas had been road tested in the marketplace. Defying the Korrectniks, the Fat Nazis and the Nanny State clowns, Jon presses on with his plans to spread Heart Attack Grill franchises from sea to shining sea. He’s the classic trailblazing rugged American individual.

No list of modern trailblazers would be complete without mentioning a classic example of rugged individualism, Ted Nugent. Unlike those prattling Dixie Bitches who play up to an adoring lefty media, Ted throws down the gauntlet with his enthusiasm for guns, hunting, individual liberty, and giving Korrectnik pinheads heartburn. There’s only one Ted and he is, we’re pleased to report, the embodiment of trailblazing rugged individualism.

Is there some magic way to repopulate America with this vanishing breed? Not really, but that doesn’t mean the situation is hopeless. You are the master of your own fate. Refuse to be pigeonholed. Dare to strike out on your own with some new, never been tried idea. Believe it or not, that’s how this speed bump in cyberspace got started. Two rugged individual wannabes decided to blaze a new trail with an your face, blatantly politically incorrect endeavor named PIG. We don’t claim to be Ted Nugent class trailblazing rugged individuals, but we’re working on it every damn day. If we can do it, why aren’t you? Don’t just sit there, start blazing your own trail.

The following supplemental trailblazer prose appeared in PIG's Tasty Tidbits:

Predictably, there are some trailblazers who, for a variety of reasons didn’t make the Top Story cut. There are many who deserve at least a mention: Ben Franklin, Thomas Jefferson, Steve Jobs, Bill Gates, and countless other "outside the box" thinkers. There are, in addition, certain special cases whom we refuse to neglect. We decided to honor their accomplishments here.

Early in America’s history, two rugged American individuals named Lewis and Clark rounded up a band of like-minded trailblazers and ventured forth to explore this new continent. Depending on how Korrect your government cess-school was, you learned that the Lewis and Clark expedition mapped a trail across North America from the Mississippi River to the Pacific Ocean. We’re thrilled, within reason over that fun fact, but we feel compelled to point out that Lewis and Clark made another, egregiously ignored contribution to American culture. They invented the Great American Road Trip.

A Siberian-American hottie named Pocahontas is another trailblazer whose most significant contribution to American culture is intolerably glossed over. We all know that story about how she saved Captain John Smith and many of you probably know that she eventually married a cradle robbing Englishman named John Rolfe. But, this trailblazer is fondly honored here in the PIGdom for pioneering a new, utterly American entity, that paragon of forbidden fruit, the jailbait temptress. Rumors that she also blazed another new trail as the first American pinup wenchlet can’t be confirmed, at this time.

General George Armstrong Custer is another historical figure whose most important trailblazing adventure is inexplicably ignored. Some of you might know from your history classes about George’s military feats in that conflict my Southern friends still call, "The War of Yankee Dog Aggression". Most of you know about his untimely demise at Little Big Horn. But, here in the PIGdom, we choose to raise a brewskie or two in his honor for adding the phrase "hair raising adventure" to the American lexicon.

No list of underappreciated American trailblazers would be complete unless we bring up that legend in his own mind, a liberal icon whose relentless self-promotion has reached epic proportions. He’s a dedicated "public servant", an author, a film-maker and much more. His environment-related histrionics make the antics of Chicken Little pale by comparison. But, here in the PIGdom we honor him for creating the essential element that makes this speedbump in cyberspace possible. I refer, of course to that trailblazing hall of famer, Albert Gore Jr., the man who - just ask him and he’ll confirm it - invented the Internet.

Most of you know Larry King as the CNN talk show host who launched a daring, but fruitless campaign to repopularize suspenders as a "must have" fashion accessory. Aside from the relentlessly annoying Urkel on the sitcom 'Family Matters', Larry's quest to restore this fashion item to its former glory has been a complete and utter waste of time. As "outside the box" as Larry's Quixotean suspenders quest might be, it's not the reason he's garnered "Special Trailblazer Status" in the PIGdom. We honor Larry King for his singular ability to build a show around guests who achieved room temperature years, even decades ago. Everybody warned him that he couldn’t succeed with a talk show around dead guests, but he proved them wrong. That's mind-boggling rugged individualism.

No matter how hard you try to ignore it, you know that John Kerry went to Vietnam. If you’re paying attention, you also know that he scammed his way to a purple heart then built a political career on that brief, in-country stint. Stage managing a trip to a war zone in such a way that you’re on the public dole as an Elected Tormentor for the rest of your life is, we’ll grudgingly admit, a form of trailblazing. But it’s not the stuff of which rugged individualism is made. Here in the PIGdom, we confer "Special Trailblazer Status" on John for his unrelenting, utterly John, contribution to public discourse. John has boldly gone where nobody has gone before with a singular trailblazing feat we call "the universal opinion". No matter what your point of view is on a given topic, John has publically advocated it. Or, if he hasn’t sounded off on your side, yet, he will, if you give him 5 minutes. That’s why he’s John Flip-Flop and you’re not.

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SELF-DECEPTION 101
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Seeking the wrong answers, because the real ones are politically incorrect.

Whenever something goes bump in the night a crisis is declared, then the spinners march in seeking politically correct answers to the problem. The best way to explain this spin doctored version of crisis management is that venerable adage about "a bull in a china shop". The pinheads who perpetrate spin doctored crisis management willfully obsess on examining the broken china littering the shop, but they steadfastly refuse to confront the large, smirking bovine standing in the middle of the devastation. They know the bull is there, but mentioning it would be politically incorrect - it might give this cranky bovine a boo-boo - so they simply ignore it and devise an irrational "solution" to the problem.

The purveyors of spin doctored crisis management come from all walks of life, but the most egregious, repeat, offenders are Elected Tormentors looking to matriculate up the political ladder and alleged "experts" with an agenda. In both cases, solving real problems with viable, politically incorrect solutions would be deleterious to their career ambitions so they avoid such reality checks like the plague. Instead, they offer up career enhancing smoke and mirrors non-solutions that are geared to getting them that all important career boost.

The City of Angels’ mayor, Antonio Reconquista, mainlines on bovine phobia. Gang bangers throughout the city are on a murdering rampage. In 2006, a conservative estimate pins 56% of the city’s murders on gang bangers. In the worst gang-infested neighborhoods, "Latino" gangs are ethnically cleansing the neighborhood by blatantly killing off its remaining black inhabitants. In L.A.’s city and county jails, the same ethnic cleansing is happening. It’s race-motivated gang warfare but Mayor Reconquista refuses to confront the truth. Instead, he spouts drivel about poverty, lack of education and "hopelessness". What a load of crap. The large bovine in L.A.’s gang ravaged china shop has a Spanish accent. The real cause of this gang banger ethnic cleansing is the city’s refusal to roll up the sanctuary city welcome mat the political hacks laid out for border jumping scumbag invaders. The bull in this china shop is Special Order 40 which handcuffs the LAPD and strictly bans them from arresting a known border jumping scumbag gang banger on immigration charges and getting that murdering rat bastard deported. In L.A., spin doctored crisis management is turning the City of Angels into a killing ground that makes Baghdad look like kid stuff.

Another prime example of spin doctored crisis management also happened in the City of Angels. On December 22, 2006, a man poured some mercury on a downtown subway platform then walked to a nearby call box to report this "mercury spill" to transit officials. He then boarded a subway train and disappeared. It took the transit officials 8 hours to react and when they did, the proper authorities ignored the obvious bovine and deemed this incident "an odd and goofy accident". In this case the bovine has a familiar name "terrorism". Since the man was, according to some reports, middle eastern, the rational explanation for this is much more sinister, but too politically incorrect for city officials. This smells like a test run to assess transportation system security and response times. Next time it won’t be mercury and it won’t be a test. The terrorist attack clock is ticking in L.A.

Since we’re pounding on the no longer "golden" state, we’ll move down the road to the state capital where spin-doctored crisis management has reached epidemic proportions. It’s hardly breaking news to anyone that Mexifornia has a "healthcare" crisis. It’s damn near impossible to elude the news about hospitals up and down the state closing down their emergency rooms. Elsewhere, other experts are wringing their hands over the overcrowding in the state’s graybars. The politically correct solution to each of these ‘crises’ involves throwing billions of borrowed dollars at the problem. Once again, the large bovine causing all the trouble has a Spanish accent. The real problem - the politically incorrect problem nobody wants to face - is border jumping scumbags invaders. They clog those hospital emergency rooms. They comprise a rapidly increasing percentage of Mexifornia’s prison population. The real solution begins by rolling up the taxpayer funded, freebie littered, welcome mat and getting real about making Mexifornia less attractive to border jumping scumbags. It’s not a panacea but it’s a start.

Unwilling to face the border jumping scumbag bovine that lurks on our porous southern border, the Clown Posse running this nation, especially the Clown In Chief, Vicente W. Bush, do much more than ignore the bovine. In this case they make sure he’s well fed and gets unrestricted access to this nation. We saw this in action recently when two border patrol agents, Ignacio Ramos and Jose Alonso Compean, were railroaded by their own government for trying to stop a border jumping scumbag drug smuggler. Because these agents shot a Mexican drug punk in the butt, Vicente W. Bush staged a federal prosecution that sent these two border patrol agents to a federal penitentiary for more than 10 years, each. This border bovine carries W's warning to the border patrol: "Back off or I’ll send your ass to the slammer for a decade like I just did to Ignacio and Jose". The politically incorrect reality here is that Vicente W. Bush is a border-erasing rat bastard whose primary allegiance is to MEXICO.

Global Warming is politically correct crisis management on a world-spanning scale. Using fatally flawed data and self-serving politically motivated "analysis", the Global Warming Chicken Little crowd beavers away to portray humanity and its technology as the villains of the piece. These Global Warming goons see the bovine but blatantly ignore it to advance their agenda. The name of this bovine is "naturally occurring earth cycles", cycles that have nothing to do with humans. The reality here isn’t man’s climate zapping technology, it’s the fact that Global Warming gives pinheads with an agenda a perfect excuse to mount a frontal assault on their arch enemy: capitalism and the liberty it spawns.

The Clown Posse punks infesting Capitol Hill in Washington D.C. are so adept at this practice that they, routinely, invent a crisis so they can spin doctor a solution to it. That’s certainly the case with a Beltway gem called Campaign Finance Reform. Spouting drivel about expunging "big money" from politics, these smoke and mirrors wranglers drew up a self-serving gem of a law that muzzles rank and file American citizens during an election cycle. The name of this bovine is the First Amendment to the U.S. Constitution, an ‘inalienable’ liberty that McCain’s Campaign Finance Reform obscenity left in tatters on the Senate floor. Campaign Finance Reform has one, obvious purpose, making incumbents damn near invulnerable to election cycle challenges.

Don’t let these smoke and mirrors punks fool you. Refuse to be distracted from the large bovine standing in the middle of the destruction. Ignoring reality might give you temporary comfort but it never lasts. Objective reality will make you pay, because ignoring these politically incorrect reality checks will guarantee another, more destructive rampage by these politically incorrect bovines. Open your eyes, stare that bovine in the face, then start working on a way to corral that brute before it’s too late.

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AMERICAN QUISLINGS
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PIG MAKES IT ALL BETTER
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Hambo hammers some of life's pesky problems into submission.

PIG is tired of listening to the relentless whining coming from damn near everybody. Our initial reaction involved slam dunking these caterwauling cretins with our infamous fervor, but we're not going to do that, this time out. Channeling our elusive "sensitive" side, PIG is prepared to sort out a variety of problems that - quite frankly - we find far from amusing. As usual, our approach is unique, but it's much more than that. Wherever it's PIGishly possible, we employ a solution that transforms a chronic annoyance into a source of endless entertainment. That's the key to our PIGish approach: if you can't make a problem go away, then find a way to make it relentlessly amusing.

How, you demand, can PIG make the border jumping scumbag invasion, the Jihadikaze threat to our liberty, North Korea and the mess in the Middle East " amusing"? The answer is that we can't and we don't claim that we up to that challenge. Nope, the problems we're addressing are much closer to home, but no less annoying. A prime example is your local cell phone packing cretin who insists on bellowing the details of his far from compelling life into his cell phone while you're trying to enjoy a meal in your favorite restaurant. Annoying? Hell yes, but we do have a solution: If you are up to here with cellidiots who destroy your dining out or movie going pleasure, we have the answer - cattle prods. Rational adults would be authorized to restore "tranquility" by zapping any cellidiot who starts bellowing into that cell blight in a restaurant or movie theater. Zap! Problem solved.

Think of all the fun you'll have watching that cellidiot twitching on the floor. Imagine, if you can, the rousing ovation you'll get from your fellow patrons. See, we told you our solutions would be relentlessly amusing.

Ready for more? Here's a PIG solution starter set for your thoughtful consideration. We'll begin with the Mainstream Media, a source of endless annoyance that plagues us every damn day.

We can't be the only ones who are tired of talking heads wringing their hands over declining viewership on the nightly newscasts at ABC, CBS and NBC. How, everyone whines, can we make these stale, spin-doctored shows more appealing to the highly coveted 25 - 54 demographic? CBS got off to a good start by dumping Danski Rather, but, we doubt that Katie Couric is the optimum choice to bring in those spiffy demographics. The big 3 need to go for the gold and hire someone who will compel viewership. After a rousing debate, the PIG staff decided that porn goddess Jenna Jamison would make any network newscast "must see TV". We know what you're thinking PIGsters, especially you PIGsters of the female persuasion. Before you start hurling slings and arrows at "those horny PIG clowns", take a chill pill and ask yourself why the remarkably underwhelming Shepard Smith is so popular with differently-male viewers.

Do those talking heads on the tube make you go postal? No problem, PIG is all over it. For a nominal fee, selected viewers would be given a special wireless transmitter that can send multiple frequencies. This would allow the annoyed viewer to give a talking head an electric reality check whenever the mood strikes them. This would be accomplished by strapping each talking head into special "shock" chairs. Each chair would be connected by satellite to one of the buttons on your transmitter. Think of all the fun you'd have venting your rage at these pontificating pinheads.

The next set of solutions paints a bull's-eye on certain Nanny State annoyances. Apparently, our elected tormentors are unwilling to perform their Constitutional duties as set forth by the Founding Fathers. PIG hasn't found a way to chase them back to the straight and narrow but we're still working on it. For now, we'll be satisfied if our elected tormentors' asinine antics could be rendered entertaining. PIG offers these spiffy solutions.

The daily White House press briefing presided over by Tony Snow begs for a PIGish solution. PIG has some minor issues with Tony, but our solution targets certain cantankerous alleged journalists like Helen Thomas. We call our innovative solution to White House press relations the PMS Posse. W needs to recruit a cadre of PMS babes, making sure that he has at least one PMS Princess waiting in the wings when the need arises. Unfortunately, some poor dude must enter this hormone rage-a-thon and determine which member of the posse is the most terrifying - we're thinking this will be a nifty new use for Tony. The instant he makes his selection, he would flee for his life, sending the PMS Princess to the White House briefing room. In addition to taming all those smug journalists, PIG's solution would make the White House press briefing a fixture atop the Nielsen Ratings. Entertaining to the max? Hell yes!

PIG's cure for Senatorial bloviating is based on a venerable dose of American culture called the "The Gong Show." All it requires is a hand-picked panel of rational adults and a gigantic Chinese gong. Any of the rational adults can terminate senatorial bloviating at any time by smacking that large Chinese gong. Once gonged, the senator must sit down and is banned from pontificating on the senate floor for the rest of the debate on a given item. For added amusement, roving cameras will follow the gonged senator to capture all his, her, hisher or its post-gong whining. You gotta know that Teddy The Swimmer Kennedy will be a frequent "gong" recipient, so he'll provide lots of post-gong amusement.

Are you enraged by congresspunks and their pork barrel antics? We have that covered too. It involves specially selected "referees" and reality show-like punishments. The referees would select the most egregious pork barrel offenders and force them to perform certain Fear Factor quality "tasks" to recover their House "earmarking" privileges. A special American Idol class bank of phones and computers would let the viewing audience determine which reality show fate the pork perpetrating hack must suffer. Boffo ratings and endless amusement would ensue.

See, we told you that we'd make it all better. Don't you fell a tad sheepish about all those names you called us, doubting Thomas Sparky?

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UNMASKING OUR ENEMY
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Who are we fighting in this War on Terror and why.

When it comes to the "War On Terror", Uncle Sam and the other members of his coalition are fighting it with their heads up their butts. One key tenet of W's war plan opines that we're not at war with Islam, we're at war with dastardly individuals like Osama who perverted the "religion of peace". The success of these Jihadikazes stems - W insists - from their ability to lure unwary, but inherently peaceful, Mecca Maniacs into this radical vision of Islam. The best tool to defeat this perversion of Mecca Mania, W goes on to explain, is "democracy". Give rank and file Mecca Maniacs a voice in their future and liberty will chase the Jihadikazes off the world's stage. It all sounds spiffy. It seems simple enough. There's just one problem with it: it's a load of crap from start to finish.

The primary problem with W's "War on Terror" is this: our underlying conflict is a clash of two fundamentally incompatible world views. Another cause of W's War on Terror myopia, is his inability to stop viewing Islam as a theology and start viewing it as a powerful political movement that swallows up entire nations. W doesn't see that America's great "sin" against Islam is rooted in the core belief of this nation: inalienable individual liberty. Our enemy in this war 'gets' the key fact that W won't face: inalienable individual liberty and Mecca Mania can't coexist, because inalienable liberty and Islam are the equivalent of matter and anti-matter. Like these elementary particles, liberty and anti-liberty (political Islam) destroy each other in a violent explosion whenever they come into direct contact. Examples? No problem.

Days after some full throttle Jihadikazes took over Mogadishu by force, two Somalis were butchered by Mecca Maniac zealots for watching the World Cup.

When a Pakistani man converted, voluntarily, from Mecca Mania to Cross Cultism, he was put on trial.

Mecca Maniac women are told what the wear and where they can go.

In the Sand Box (Saudi Arabia), the religious police, routinely, raid shops that sell such Mecca Mania uncool items as Valentines.

A Danish film-maker was butchered by an outraged "religion of peace" adherent because Mr. Van Gogh's film allegedly "maligned" Islam.

European cartoonists are living under a death sentence for drawing cartoons about the Mecca Maniac prophet.

In Nigeria, a local fishwrap had its offices looted and burned, because "religion of peace" adherents were outraged by its coverage of the Miss Universe booty festival.

A second, equally devastating problem with W's game plan for the War on Terror is his insistence on democracy as the answer. Democracy has already failed the challenge in Iran, where the voters - democratically - elected a wingnut named Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, a dude who sees himself as the Mecca Maniac messiah. An isolated case? Hardly. The Palestinians held a "free and democratic" election and decided to turn the reins of government over to a notorious Jihadikaze group called Hamas. Even in Iraq, the crown jewel of W's "democracy is the answer" campaign, the government is already shoe-horning elements of Sharia into the new constitution. Inalienable individual liberty will be on a death watch, the instant the last brave American soldier leaves Iraq.

The Jihadikazes want control and they don't care how they get it. If they can seize the reins of government through the ballot box - W's democracy - no problem. But, if a nation's rational adults resist, these avid Jihadikazes are equally willing to seize power through terrorism, war and mayhem. Nations around the world can trace the source of their troubles to this political brand of Islam: Thailand, Indonesia, Iraq, Sudan, the Phillippines, Lebanon, Morocco, Algeria, Egypt, the Kashmir province in India, and let’s not forget Afghanistan, a country that those lovely Taliban transformed into a ‘hell on Earth’.

W and those who share his rosy vision of Islam need to take off their goddamn blinders. They need to wake the hell up and take a long hard look at our real enemy. They need to realize that the Jihadikazes and millions of Mecca Maniacs who share their twisted philosophy are at war with the very foundations of our liberty. They are at war with Western Culture itself. They're at war with William Shakespeare, Thomas Jefferson, Martin Luther King, Ghandi, Albert Einstein, Madam Curie, Elizabeth Barrett Browning, Victor Hugo, Aristotle, Leonardo Di Vinci, Bill Gates, Henry Ford and Thomas Edison. They're at war with: NOW, the ACLU, GLAAD BAGs, the NAACP, Jews, Christians, Buddhists, Hindus, atheists, Republicans, Democrats and Libertarians. They're at war with CNN, Fox, ABC, NBC, CBS, Time, Newsweek, Chicago Tribune, the Times of London and BBC. They're at war with Stanford, Harvard, MIT, Cal Tech, Oxford and Cambridge. They wage war against everything that inspires us, enriches us, motivates us, and allows us to enjoy the inalienable liberty that is the birthright of every individual.

Do you really want to live in a world run by an international Taliban? Do you really want to live in a world where the most vile form of supernaturalism obliterates our inherent right to 'life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness'? Do you really want to live in a world where 7th century religious fanatics dictate our every thought, word and action? If not, then wake up and smell the coffee, before it's too late. They're after your liberty, Sparky.

The time has come for all of us, including the Warrior on Terror in Chief, to take off the damn blinders. The time has come to face the fact that Jihadikazes aren't a fringe group; they're in the political mainstream of Mecca Mania. The time has come to stop promoting the tyranny of the majority called "democracy" and begin promoting the real weapon that can destroy political Islam: individual liberty. The time has come to admit that the War on Terror is, in fact, a war on this virulent, political style of Islam that would enslave us all. There can be no peaceful co-existence with political Islam, a belief system that demands total control of every human on this planet. This is a war for our very survival. The sooner we accept this, the better.

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ORWELLIAN, AMERICA!
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How some Americans became more equal than others.

America, a land conceived in liberty, is built upon the solid foundation of inalienable individual liberty. These inspiring words from the Declaration of Independence are all the evidence you'll want or need to substantiate this point:

"We hold these Truths to be self-evident, that all Men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness..."

Thomas Jefferson's unambiguous prose hammers the essential facts home: inalienable liberty is conferred on each individual, equally. We all start off with the same compliment of rights. There aren't any bonus points for melanin-content, gender, sexual orientation, nation of origin, shoe size, eye color, a crappy childhood or your chronic needs. Each of us starts off with the same set of rights, and the success or failure of our life depends on what we make of ourselves and our inherent liberty. That, I regret to say, is the way things were when the American experiment in liberty began. The following excerpt from PIG's rant on equality tells you how the Nanny State's social engineering has twisted Thomas Jefferson's concept of inalienable individual liberty:

"Enraged by the simple fact of life that some individuals are more competent, more successful, than others, America's social engineers seem determined to follow the lead of Orwell's animal society. Championing the cult of 'need', they work tirelessly to bludgeon individual rights into submission 'for the good of society as a whole'. 'Needy' groups are trotted out to whine, whimper, and moan about the unfairness of life and demand their 'fair share' of American dream. Wrapping themselves in a new 'group' identity, based on such immutable traits as skin pigmentation, ethnicity/race, gender and even 'sexual orientation', they shed their individuality - and the rights that go with it - to justify their insatiable greed for that which they can't/won't earn for themselves. Their 'need' is more important than the once 'inalienable' right of an individual to the fruits of his own labor. The competent become slave to the incompetent, enslaved by the chronically needy. Alas, the immortal words of the founding fathers have been given an Orwellian spin and should now read: 'All men are created equal, but some are more equal than others.'..." (Equality in the 21st Century).

For those who demand, "Where's the Beef"? PIG presents the following items from the pages of your fishwrap to illustrate how, in 2006, some have become more equal than others:

• L.A.'s Cardinal Mahoney won't perform the necessary background checks on church volunteers because it might "offend" or "intimidate" differently-legal church volunteers. Never mind that this means border jumping pedophiles could be allowed to work with, molest, kids. The church can't be bothered. It's more important to preserve the border jumping scumbag's dignity than it is to protect kids from pedophiles. Any legal resident of America gets a background check, but a border jumping scumbag is good to go if, he, she, heshe or it says "I'm not a pedophile". Given the Rosary True Believer hierarchy's well-documented history of pedophiles in the ranks, this should be a no-brainer. But, in our neo-Orwellian world, border jumping scumbag pedophiles are more equal than America's legal residents.

• Our elected tormentors, especially those lurking inside the D.C. Beltway on Capitol Hill, routinely pass laws that don't apply to them. For example, they have their own, majorly Emerilized retirement plan, so they don't participate in the Socialist Security pyramid scheme. Furthermore, they pass laws that make it essentially impossible to oust them from office. Juan McCain's Campaign Finance Reform scam is a prime example. It shields our elected tormentors from criticism by limiting our right to free speech during an election cycle. In our neo-Orwellian world, our elected tormentors are more equal than we are.

• Parasites who glut themselves at taxpayer expense work the Nanny State system so efficiently that their need is a virtual ATM card with a direct connection to your wallet. Their crappy life decisions make them more equal than the hard working achievers who are coerced by the Nanny State into supporting these losers. Making life just a tad spiffier, Juan McCain's amnesty bill renders border jumping parasites more equal than home grown parasites. In our neo-Orwellian world, parasites are more equal than achievers and foreign born parasites are more equal than home grown parasites.

• Despite the fact that young, Middle Eastern men are still the most likely individuals to seize control of an airliner and fly it into a building, the Clown Posse running the TSA steadfastly refuses to single them out for special attention. That would be racial profiling, so they subject grannie in her wheel chair to a strip search. In our neo-Orwellian world, Islamikazes are more equal than you, me, and grannie.

• If whitey perpetrates a crime against the properly-hyphenated, he's in the fast lane toward a Nanny State goodie called a "hate crime" conviction. If the properly-hyphenated perpetrate an identical crime against whitey or a different properly-hyphenated group, he's a victim of white oppression, and, quite likely, racial profiling. By calling racism an inherently white malady, neo-Orwellian America makes the properly-hyphenated more equal than whitey.

How did the land of the free plummet so far from the lofty ideals on which America is founded? As thrilling as that might be to contemplate, I'm not convinced that it's the right question. A more pertinent interrogative is this: now that we're mired in this "some are more equal than others" hell, how do we get out? There aren't any easy answers, but you start by dismantling the Nanny State's cult of victimhood.

It's time to reclaim the inalienable individual liberty that is your birthright. It's time to erase "more equal than others" from the American lexicon. The place to begin is in the voting booth where you can make that first move by firing your social engineering elected tormentor. The time to begin, is right damn now. Demand that your inalienable liberty be restored and do it today.

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HEADS IN THE SAND

The Korrectnik frontal assault on objective reality.

(Objective) Reality, n.
A non-negotiable facet of life that, routinely, shatters our most cherished illusions.
(PIG dictionary of Words and Phrases)

Objective reality is - in many people's minds - annoyingly intransigent. It won't change to suit the latest wild hair someone gets up their butt. This is doubly true for those differently-rational pinheads who have a very large wild hair called political correctness lodged deep inside their butt. Objective reality is an immutable core concept that doesn't come with a 'use by' date. Today, tomorrow or yesterday, its non-negotiable tenets remain unchanged. Immune to the ravages of time, it is indifferent to prevailing, transitory, political, cultural or supernatural whims. Those who willfully ignore it do so at their own peril, but don't take my word for it. Ask any Korrectnik who has survived - barely - a header into this painful fact of existence.

This conflict between reality and Korrectness is unavoidable, because, when you cut out all the crap, political correctness is a frontal assault on objective reality. Korrectness attacks objective reality relentlessly in an irrational, essentially futile, effort to reshape those pesky, intransigent "facts" to suit the Korrectnik's twisted agenda. Eventually, even the most pig-headed Korrectnik will deduce that objective reality won't simply cooperate and go away, so they do the next best thing. They indoctrinate tragically susceptible individuals into ignoring inconvenient facts and pretending that the universe operates the way they wish it did.

This "reality is whatever I say it is" notion means imagining that certain immutable traits - melanin content, gender, national origin - confer special powers, special privileges, on those "lucky" enough to be born "advantaged". It also involves using feel good, but erroneous terms to describe a world that exists solely in their dysfunctional brains. Korrectniks perpetuate certain myths that attempt to subvert objective reality by coercing sovereign individuals into compliance with this pseudo reality.

The following examples are offered for your thoughtful consideration:

Myth: Paying ones "fair share". This involves nailing the rich for every last penny they've got, because a parasite's unrelenting "need" trumps an achiever's right to keep their rightful property. When an elected tormentor, activist or chronically-needy parasite uses this term "paying their fair share" they mean: that greedy bastard still has two pennies to rub together so he's not paying his fair share." A is still A, class warfare Sparky and objective reality does not grant any special favors to the chronically needy. If you want/need more money, then go out and earn it for yourself.

Myth: "Group Rights". This cherished Korrectnik delusion imagines that a given group - especially those identified by certain immutable traits or sexual proclivities - has inherent rights, as a group, that supercede the rights of any individual who isn't in the group. The rights of a given group, any damn group, are limited to the inalienable individual rights of any given member of that group. Some are not now, and never will be, more equal than others. Inalienable individual liberty is a fact of nature; group rights are an invention of a tyrannical Nanny State. A is still A, group think breath and objective reality doesn't play favorites.

Myth: Celebrities have "special wisdom". Success in the entertainment field does not denote a superior intellect. No matter how much the Korrectniks try to wish it into objective reality, Martin Sheen was never president. No matter how many movie tickets he sells, Twerpy Tommy Cruise is nothing more than a cult-obsessed wingnut who is utterly and completely bonkers. A is still A and all stardom does is give a "no smarter than the average bear" clown a soap box and megaphone to proclaim his, her, hisher or its ignorance to the world.

Myth: Western Culture is nothing special. Ivory Tower infesting Korrectnik cretins proclaim that all cultures, especially obscure third world cultures, are equal - even superior - to Western Culture. Any rational adult who takes the time to examine this myth can easily deflate this brazen lie with a dose of objective reality: "The 'superior' Aztec culture practiced human sacrifice. Certain 'noble' third world cultures still enslave sovereign individuals. Certain 'noble' Islamic cultures murder women who 'sully the family name' while others stone to death women who were victims of rape. All cultures are not created equal." A is still A, Korrectnik Sparky and when you sweep away the Korrectnik smoke and mirrors a culture that promotes inalienable individual liberty is vastly superior to obscure pissant cultures based on human sacrifice, tyranny, oppression and female-phobic supernaturalism.

Myth: Anything that helps men, demeans womyn. The more you dig into NO-NAD (alleged) thinking, the more convinced you are that you've entered the estrogen-poisoned zip code of the Twilight Zone. Groups like the American Association of University Women sound the "rampant sexism" alert over anything and everything that a gives men a break. Single sex classrooms in elementary and middle schools are a prime example. Early data suggests that single sex classrooms enhance a lad's learning experience by building lessons around things that boys like. "Sexist"! "Blatant discrimination"! "Demeans womyn"! An alarmed, outraged AAUW howls. A is still A, Harpy whiners and a motivated, eager to learn lad is not an assault on womyn.

The list of myths keeps getting longer every day. Whether it's the whopper about the "public airwaves", or the Korrectnik notion that thought, "hate", is more important than the crime itself, these myths are at best a pain, and at worse hazardous to your mental health. Don't let the Korrectniks, the Nanny State nitwits, or anybody else try to cloud your mind with some alternative - better suited to their liberty-infringing needs - reality. A is still A, PIGsters, so you might as well hunker down and brace your self for the nonstop, action-packed, surprise-riddled adventure called "objective reality". You can bellow at it, protest it and ignore it, but no matter how much you huff and puff, A will never become B.

 

 

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BIZARRO AMERICA

Hambo brings the hammer down on the Nanny State's assault on our liberty.

America, a nation conceived in liberty, began as a land populated by rugged, self-reliant individuals. America started as a nation that spawned resolute men and women who took everything that objective reality could throw at them then came out stronger, and more determined to meet the next challenge with the same grim resolve. America is a nation whose ideals of individual liberty challenged the very best among us to pass muster. America - Americans - became the envy of the world because it was devoted to one singular ideal: inalienable individual liberty. That's the America we venerate, but it's not the America we inhabit in the 21st century. Somewhere along the line that rugged individualism, that exaltation of sovereign individuals exercising their inalienable rights, got perverted. While we weren't paying attention, those classic American values got inverted by the all powerful Nanny State.

When did this shining beacon of inalienable individual liberty turn into a nation populated by parasites, whiners and snitches? When did they pass the law, when did they ratify the constitutional amendment, that made self-reliance a capital crime? Why are achievers vilified and their achievements penalized via Draconian taxes, the most pernicious of which is a state-sponsored plundering that swallows the achiever's life's work whole, via the egregiously Un-American death tax?

The assault on our best, brightest, and most productive individuals is just the tip of the iceberg. While the Nanny State works tirelessly to destroy excellence and expunge achievement from America, our elected tormentors treat parasites like heros. It rewards them for being pathetic with some of the loot stolen from the nation's achievers.

Under America's inverted, perverted, "values", need is a virtue and self-reliance is a vice. Thanks to the relentless assault on our inalienable liberty, Americans are steeped in dependency. Instead of encouraging people to solve their own problems, our nanny culture make it easy for them to blame someone else then makes others pay for the needy nitwit's mistakes.

Under America's inverted, perverted, "values", victimhood based on immutable traits is a badge of honor that earns you special privileges in this Bizzaro America. Victimhood is so venerated under these inverted, perverted, "values" that congenital losers like Je$$e Jackson, Louis Farrakhan, and Al Sharpton make whining a highly profitable career.

These inverted values are rammed down America's throat by a manipulative media that willfully ignores the indoctrination that takes place in government cess-schools. For example, Seattle's government school hacks are so full of themselves that they boast on their web site how they're teaching their captive audience that self-reliance and (rugged) individualism are racist plots by whitey to oppress the properly-hyphenated masses. A notorious L.A. charter school indoctrinates its "indigenous" inmates with a blatantly separatist, "the Gringo invader stole our land", reconquista curriculum based on pre-Columbian Aztec culture. It sucks that America's sovereign individuals are forced to pay for this race-baiting crap.

Emboldened by a deafening silence that is emanating from America's besieged sovereign individuals, the Nanny State - on all levels - is mounting an unrelenting frontal assault on our inalienable liberties. The following examples demonstrate how badly America's founding values have been twisted:

Black Jack, Missouri: Homeowners need an "occupancy permit", but they can't get one if three, or more people who aren't realted by "blood, marriage or adoption" live in the abode.

Boulder, Colorado: Rat out thy neighbor is enshrined via a hate hotline. If you hear someone say something "insensitive" you can rat them out and put them on the city's top secret hate speech offenders list.

Euclid, Ohio: The city council dictates, in asinine specificity, what a homeowner can use in lieu of window curtains. Which part of butt the hell out don't they understand?

Seattle, Washington: The state's elected tormentors made playing poker online a felony that puts the online gambler in the same crime strata as child pornographers and drug dealers.

Dublin, Mexifornia: Smokers are in the Smoke Nazi bull's-eye on their own property, in their own damn home, under the city's new rat out thy neighbor edict. If a delusional Smoke Nazi neighbor thinks he, she, heshe or it can smell your smoke, they are empowered, encouraged, by the city to drag you into small claims court.

The Gulag, Mexifornia: In San Francisco, you need the city's written permission before you can cut down certain trees on your rightful property.

From sea to shining sea: If you own a home designated as a historic or "landmark" abode, you can't do a damn thing to update it, without permission from the city. If its roof is rotted out and it's unlivable, you can't update it, you can't tear it down, you can't do a damn thing except pay for it, because, as crappy as it is, it's "historically crappy".

This sovereign individual is fed up with this Bizarro America. This sovereign individual is ready to reclaim his inalienable liberty from the Nanny State, by any means necessary. I want the parasites out of my goddamn wallet. I want those properly-hyphenated "victims" to stop their relentless whining and get over themselves. I refuse to tolerate some local busybody telling me what I can or can't do with my own rightful property.

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A VERY PIG APOLOGY

For some time now, we at PIG have gotten our jollies by skewering, roasting, satirizing, caricaturing and criticising the Liberal, Loudmouth, Korrectnik Cabal, and quite frankly, loving it. In fact, we enjoy skewering the richly deserving so much we give Liberal cretins the occasional respite while we draw a PIGish bead on alleged humans like Twerpy Tommy Cruise, Paris Hilton, Mikey Jackson, and others too numerous to mention. The bottom line is that we love our work and tend to heap scorn on the richly deserving whose primary "sin" is straying into the public eye where we can see them.

We do, however, have some true confessions to own up to, and we think it's high time we come clean before we go any further in our online adventure in political commentary and satire. We've only been giving you some of the truth and we don't think that's fair, nor is it professionally ethical. We feel as if we owe you, the PIG faithful an apology and full disclosure. Hopefully, you won't think we're going Alan Alda on you.

Below you'll find some examples of where we were wrong:

We apologize for wanting to slather Teddy Kennedy with butter and roast him over a slow fire. We're ashamed that we wanted to waste butter on something this trivial...all things considered, lard is more than sufficient and utterly appropriate.

We apologize for believing that Twerpy Tommy Cruise needs to be hooked up to the power grid and jolted back to objective reality, no matter how long it takes. The power grid, is, we admit, overkill; four PIG staffers with cattle prods should suffice.

We apologize for wanting to put a bag over Paris Hilton's head then encase her hyperactive, diseased, nads in an industrial strength chastity belt. It's insensitive of us, in the extreme to use just any bag, so we're willing to make amends by Emerilizing it to a "Gucci" bag.

We apologize for believing that our alleged government would function much more efficiently if an asteroid hit the capitol building while congress is in session. It was wrong of us to condemn Tom Tancredo and Ron Paul to the same fate as the others. We've seen the errors of our ways and will give these two congressmen a 10 minute head start, before the smiting ensues.

We apologize for our conviction that a Hillary Clinton presidency would make Stalin's bloody reign seem like a Sunday School picnic. Comparing Stalin to Hillary is an egregious affront to Papa Joe who was, after all, channeling another Ruskie tyrant, Ivan The Terrible.

We apologize for thinking that anyone who screws with America needs to be stomped, HARD. We never should have said "stomped", because, the right thing to do is nuke the bastards until they glow.

We apologize to Je$$e Jack$son for accusing him of shakedown tactics, playing the Race Card, and exploiting the media at every opportunity possible. We're deeply ashamed that we dignified Je$$e's antics with a softball term like "shakedown". This is race-card flailing extortion, period.

We apologize to Michael Moore for referring to him as an overfed, over-hyped Maggot. This is terribly unfair, to the noble maggot which does, after all, serve a useful purpose. That same - serves a useful purpose - can't be said about Michael Moore who has no redeeming qualities whatsoever.

We apologize to Sean Hannity for accusing him of Jumping The Shark. He's not to blame for being pussy-whipped into polluting the airwaves with the same story over and over and over again and pretending as if he actually cares. If he didn't drink the Kool-Aid he'd lose his boom box gig.

We apologize for using colorful terminology like "Mecca Maniac", "Sand Rats", "Border Jumping Scumbags", "Jihadikaze", "Vicente W. Bush" "GLAAD BAAGs" and "Sushi Slammers". Okay you're absolutely right, we're not the least bit sorry about our colorful prose, but we though we could slip this one under your radar.

We apologize to Rob Reiner for calling him a "Meathead". This is a blatant insult against protein for which we are deeply sorry. Everyone knows Rob Reiner's head isn't meaty, it's utterly empty.

We apologize for saying that the jury in the Michael Jackson child molestation case was dumber than a box of rocks. Ask any geologist and he'll inform you that your plain vanilla rock is Einstein compared to Santa Maria's dirty dozen.

We apologize to Sharon Tay for objectifying her by awarding her the "Newsbabe of the Year" and calling her "Golden Globes". We're okey dokey with objectifying her, but we're a tad chagrined that we didn't acknowledge her other assets and talents: luscious lips, long legs, bedroom eyes, silky smooth hair...Mmmm, booty-licious.

And finally, we apologize to our faithful PIG readers for making any apologies at all. If you've been reading PIG and doing your homework, you should know that PIG makes no apologies to anyone, unless we know we're wrong. The only regret we have is not blasting these Korrectniks completely out of the water.

The only time we're likely apologize for real is when we fail in our primary task, entertaining and enlightening you with our politically incorrect cyberspace speed bump.

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CELEBRATE YOUR INKORRECTNESS

When we started down the Information Superhighway in a rattletrap named 'The Politically Incorrect Gazette' we were told, repeatedly, that political correctness is anachronistic or, to put it bluntly, "Political Correctness is so '80's, dude". I don't know what planet these "get over it" cretins are inhabiting, but our objective reality is stuffed to bursting with political correctness. Words like "fat", "retard", "handicapped", "fireman", and "illegal alien" are banished from our vocabulary, because using them might give some hypersensitive cretin a boo-boo on his, her, hisher or its fragile psyche. Everywhere we turn, some dolt wears hypersensitivity like a badge of honor. Whiners from sea to shining sea are determined to slam dunk "the right not to be offended" into the Bill of Rights. Political correctness isn't remotely anachronistic. In fact, it's more potent than ever, now that it has escaped its Ivory Tower breeding grounds and moved into American society's mainstream.

How politically correct is America? Why don't you decide for yourself. America has become so infested with political correctness that simple demonstrations of patriotism are, routinely, condemned because "nationistic" outbursts give Colonistas and other alleged "immigrants" a boo-boo. America is so warped by political correctness that the EEOC just issued new workplace guidelines that list "English Only" as a potentially discriminatory policy. In this bastion of individual liberty certain utterances - and by extension, thoughts - are criminalized as "hateful" when the subject of your tantrum is properly-hyphenated. In this "land of the free", expressing the wrong views (Cross Cultism is a prime "offender"), or promoting the wrong books will condemn you to a special circle of hell called "sensitivity training".

We're living in a nation where you can be granted special privileges based on certain immutable traits like gender, race and/or ethnicity. Our schools teach that all non-western cultures are, at minimum, equal to, if not superior to the western culture that we venerate. If you dare to bring up honor killings, beheadings, and the egregious obliteration of individual liberty in these "noble" third world cultures, you're branded a racist and on the fast track to expulsion and/or sensitivity training hell. Call us names if you must, be we see political correctness everywhere we look. We see it eating away to the inalienable individual liberty that comprises American's solid foundation.

We hear those wheels turning out there, PIGsters, and for the record, we're not promising to, single-handedly, abolish America's political correctness plague with this cyberspace speed bump. We do think it's time to, motivate our readers to start fighting back, to stop taking it and start dishing it out. How? As usual, we have a few properly-PIGish notions that might get you started. We call this exercise in liberty "Celebrating Your InKorrectness".

• Declare a "National Smokers Day". This day is celebrated by parading through all the places where smoking is banned with an unlit cancer stick, pipe, or cigar clenched in your teeth. The ritual greeting of the day - one reserved for those Smoke Nazis who get in your face - is: "Bite me, Smoke Nazi Breath".

• If you're in a government cess-school or an Ivory Tower, start referring to "Native" Americans as "Siberian-Americans". When challenged, you'll cite the spiffy fact that so-called Native Americans are, in fact, the New World's first "known" immigrants. Since they came to the Americas over the land bridge to Siberia, "Siberian-Americans" is the most historically accurate moniker for them. Complete your triumph by proclaiming the primacy of "historical correctness" over political correctness.

• When you're stuck socializing with the local - or family - Korrectnik, thrill him, her, himher or it by injecting your favorite PIGisms into the conversation. It won't take many "Mecca Maniacs", "GLAAD BAAGs", or "NONADs" to help the Korrectnik reach escape velocity. If that doesn't do the trick, you might try reading him, her, himher or it the questions from PIG's Incorrectness 101 page.

• Launch that lefty who keeps bugging you with all that liberal, victim coddling claptrap by telling this bleeding heart that all cultures are not created equal. Insist that western culture - Shakespeare, Newton, Einstein, Edison, the Founding Fathers, et al - is second to none. Tell them that individual liberty and honor killings are not now and never were, equals. Finally, make PIG the homepage on the lefty's browser.

• If the Fat Nazis have turned the school lunchroom into a house of horrors, strike a blow for empty, child-friendly calories by packing Larry or Lulu's lunch with chips, cookies, candy and most important of all, a fully-loaded, sugar-packed soft drink. Be sure and pack extra, so your offspring can learn the joy of "sharing".

Don't just sit there complaining, PIGsters. Start your own one-PIGster war against this pernicious politically correct plague. Stop censoring yourself and resume that uniquely colorful form of expression that is the hallmark of the rugged American individual. Dare to be real...dare to tell that wideload blocking your path to get their fat ass out of your way. Thrill a NONAD by calling her a "wench", then stand back and enjoy the fireworks. Refuse to pigeonhole those you meet based on immutable traits. Instead, treat each person as the one thing every Korrectnik refuses to be, an individual.

Take back your identity. Take back America. Celebrated your inkorrectness, and do it now!

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WHAT'S THAT SMELL?

IT'S THE FETID STENCH OF AMERICA'S GOVERNMENT PARTY

The more I watch the asinine antics perpetrated by our elected tormentors, the more convinced I are that this is not what our Founding Fathers had in mind. In theory, the two political clans give American citizens a clear choice between two rival, competing, philosophies. In theory, but I'm no longer convinced that there are meaningful differences when it comes to each clan's impact on our inalienable individual liberty. Is there any disparity between Harry "Mad Dog" Reed and Juan McCain on most issues? Can you find a dime's worth of difference between Teddy "The Swimmer" Kennedy and Arlen Spectorres on amnesty for border jumping scumbags? Can you see any distinction between Ted "Bridge to Nowhere" Stevens and Robert "Mr Pork" Byrd? We seriously doubt it. Every damn one of them is willing to sacrifice your liberty on the Nanny State's altar.

The Donkey Clan and the Elephant Clan are, I've concluded, rival wings of "The Government Party". Admittedly each wing has its own agenda, but those distinctions are petty when compared to the issue on which they both agree: a sovereign American individual's inalienable individual liberty is a disposable annoyance that can, must, be sacrificed to achieve the greater, "collective" good. The Donkey Clan boldly proclaims its devotion to the "the good of society as a whole". The Elephant Clan puts a "patriotic" spin on it by insisting that sovereign individuals must "put nation ahead of self". Both are channeling John F. Kennedy's infamous mantra: "Ask not what your country can do for you...ask what you can do for your country." Despite their protests to the contrary, both political clans are ready to sacrifice your liberty in their zeal to build a bigger, more intrusive, Nanny State.

The two political clans remind me of a stellar moment that occurred during a prolonged sojourn in Thailand. My preferred watering hole had a pit stop - restroom - that featured two curtained entrances. Neither was marked, but I noticed that the women always used the left 'door', while the men always used the right 'door'. I got my reality check when nature called and I used the right door. Both doors led to the same room - a unisex bathroom. That unisex pit stop reminds me of our political system: no matter which political door you enter...no matter which clan's chad you punch, in the end, you wind up in the same political room, the Government Party room. The Government Party room, where both clans do their fetid "business", is a room that promotes relentless Nanny State growth accompanied by unrelenting infringement of our inalienable individual liberty.

I hear you bellowing at us, table pounding Sparky, and I feel your pain. Admittedly, the rival political clans have some divergent notions on how to achieve their notion of "the greater good" at the expense of our liberty. After you shovel through the political muck, you discover that the Donkey Clan thinks you can't be trusted to manage your own money. You must, they opine, be saved from your own antisocial greed. The Elephant Clan is slightly - very slightly - more willing to trust you with your own money, but they insist on saving you from your own immorality. You must, they opine, be stopped from watching the wrong shows, reading the wrong books, visiting the wrong web sites and engaging in the wrong activities with another consenting adult. Both clans insist that they don't like saving you from yourself, but they must because it's for your own good.

The Elephant Clan's election year mantra is repeated, daily, by Kool-Aid Club members like Hannity, Hewitt and Medved: "We know that our elected Elephant Clan tormentors really, really suck when it comes to your inalienable individual liberty, but those Donkey Clan punks suck, much, much more."

The competing political mantra is, as far as we can tell: "Those Elephant Clan cretins are empire building war mongers who cheat parasites like you by giving tax cuts to the rich." Does either of these mantras thrill you spitless, chad-punching Sparky?

What, you demand, do you PIG prattlers suggest? How can we fix a two party system that is hard-wired into America's electoral process? Even if a viable third party existed, most states have 'rules' that make its success virtually impossible. How can we fix anything when the political hacks use political ploys like redistricting and campaign finance reform to protect incumbents? PIG isn't promising to give you ready-made answers. We are trying to make you ask these, and other, questions about the way our elected tormentors operate. PIG's point is simple: neither of the existing political clans is adhering to the duties our Founding Fathers laid out in the U.S. Constitution.

The challenge facing us is daunting, so we begin by identifying the tasks that must be undertaken. We must shatter our elected tormentors' job security. This will involve letting rational, objective adults draw the political districts. It will mean 'retiring' some of these hacks. We must dump the whole incumbent re-election scheme that's called "campaign finance reform". Finally, it's time to demand that our elected tormentors get up close and personal with their legitimate - strictly limited - duties as set forth in the U.S. Constitution.

Make some noise...rock the political boat, PIGsters, because your inalienable liberty is at stake.

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TEACHING THE WRONG LESSONS

HOW ZERO TOLERANCE ZOMBIES ARE DESTROYING AMERICA'S FUTURE

From beginning to end, life is a series of learning experiences. The quality of an individual's life is determined, in large part, by one's success in meeting, then surmounting, each new challenge. In most cases, each new challenge bestows new knowledge on that individual. An individual's success in passing through life's learning experiences, relatively unscathed, depends, in part, upon the moral fiber of the individual - a character trait instilled by one's parents and family. The individual's ability to handle life's lessons also relies upon knowledge instilled in us during our formative years. Preparing their young charges with certain essential knowledge is one of the primary functions of any educational establishment. We're forced to report that every damn day, government schools demonstrate alarming ineptitude when it comes to this vital task. Their failure, we've determined, is twofold.

If you're a PIGster regular, you're painfully aware that compulsory government educrap fails in its primary function: instilling certain essential knowledge in the students we foolishly entrusted to them. We're up close and personal with the crappy tests scores, the numerous side trips into irrelevant subjects and the idiots with self esteem government cess-schools keep graduating. As bad as that is, it gets worse, because, in an increasing number of instances, these government schools are teaching the wrong lessons. One way these educrats perpetrate this is through a government cess-school gem called "Zero Tolerance".

To demonstrate how Zero Tolerance teaches the wrong lesson, you need to hear the saga of a 14 year old Indiana lad named Elliot Voge. Elliot's descent into zero tolerance hell started while he was walking to school. After shoving his hand into his pocket, he found, to his horror, that he'd accidentally left a Swiss Army knife in his pocket. Knowing that taking a knife on Stonybrook Middle School grounds was a rule violation, Elliot mulled over his choices. Since it was too late to return home, he did what a young lad of his sterling character should do: he resolved to go to the school office, explain his innocent, unintentional, mistake, then turn the knife over to school authorities. When Elliot followed through with that plan, the Educrats rewarded his honesty and integrity with a 10 day suspension and expulsion proceedings. Thanks to the Zero Tolerance Zombies at Stonybrook, one of their best students learned the wrong lesson: honesty and integrity are for chumps; you might as well hide the truth or lie, because when the dust settles, the punishment is the same.

What's that you say, skeptical Sparky? We're making a mountain out of an isolated case? Grab some of your preferred adult beverage, PIGsters, because there's more of these painful epics in our news archives:

• When her friend Sophie fell down, a five year old wenchlet is punished by school officials because, Savannah emulated her mother and tried to comfort her friend with a hug.

• An 8 year old lad is nailed for sexual harassment after he passes an "I love you" note to a female classmate.

• A 12 year old lad is suspended, then nailed with a felony drug charge, for bringing powdered sugar to school for a science experiment.

• A 6 year old lad is charged with sexual harassment because, during a shoving match he accidentally touches the bare skin on a girl's back.

• A 16 year old dude is expelled from school for creating a doodle using the letters "D.L.K". His doodle is deemed "gang related" despite the fact that the lad's name is Derek Leon Kelly.

Demonstrating how capricious this Zero Tolerance Zombie epidemic is, don't forget that L.A. school officials looked the other way when Colonista students left school without permission to wander in the city's streets and stroll on the local freeways. Did school officials reach for the Zero Tolerance chart? Not a chance. Their only meaningful move was wringing their hands over losing all that student headcount money.

Zero Tolerance is popular with government cess-school educrats because even an intellectual flat-liner can administrate it. The task is painfully simple for these Educrat meatheads. Consulting their trusty dusty zero tolerance chart they run their finger down the list to the item they need such as "brought a knife to school". Moving their finger across to the punishment column they find "10 days suspension, start expulsion proceedings". If somebody tries to confuse this Educrat meathead with the facts, they're not interested. "He admitted his mistake and turned it in? That's not on my chart." "I don't find anything about 'he's an outstanding student' here either. It's out of my hands. The rules are the rules. He's gone."

The more we learn about American Educrap, the less we like it. How much longer must we tolerate this crap? How much longer will we let them promote group think and group identity while denigrating individual merit and responsibility? How much longer will we let them destroy America's future with such dangerously destructive bovine excrement as multiculturalism, social promotions and zero tolerance? PIG can't give you these answers because it's your call PIGsters. But don't ponder it too long, because America's future - the lads and wenches trapped in America's government schools - is at risk.

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SUFFOCATED BY SUCKAGE
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We're barely three months into the year and we can already tell that, on several fronts, 2006 is going to suck. We know what you're thinking PIGster Sparky and, once again, you're wrong. Our sour mood has nothing to do with JIhadikazes, border jumping, or the asinine antics of our elected tormentors. Admittedly, these speed bumps on our highway to happiness bug the hell out of us, but they're not the subject of this PIGish adventure in consciousness raising. So what's our problem? Many, if not most, of the things that make our horndog hearts skip a beat seem headed straight into the crapper. Confused? Maybe it will help if we cite some of the things that are suffocating us with unremitting suckage.

Popular culture is a repeat offender, I.E. the crap that keeps splattering on the silver screen. We coped, sort of, when the most hyped, Oscar contending flick was a blatant bun ranger epic called "Brokeback Mountain". Boys will be boys, we told ourselves, trying to ignore the fuss. We swallowed our bile when a lip-flapping loser like George Clooney won an Oscar. Typical Tinsel Town tripe, we told ourselves. We consoled our nads when a vintage Sharon Stone bared her all in 'Basic Instinct II', a flick that, blatantly, left the most titillating scenes on the cutting room floor. Girls - even ones thisclose to 50 - will be girls we assured ourselves. All things considered, we don't expect to buy many movie tickets this year.

The antics on the small screen aren't that much better since reality programming continues to elevate some forgettable alleged humans to unwarranted fame. VH-1 is a repeat offender since it just finished its second show staring the King of Non-Entities, Flavor Flav, a talent-challenged dude who wears a horned helmet on his head and a wall clock as a necklace. Determined to destroy our sanity, VH-1's newest assault on our mental health is an atrocity called "So NoTORIous". The show stars Tori "My daddy is that Aaron" Spelling , a talent-challenged wench who purchased a new set of sweater puppies for this epic. We're trying to be thrilled about it, but it's not easy since Tori still has a face that will stop a clock. I don't think we'll be watching much VH-1 this season.

Further down our boob tube dial, we find E! serving up a reality epic staring Paris "The Skank" Hilton and Nicole Ritchie. "Ugh" and you can quote us. E's only redeeming horndog value is the "Girls Next Door", an epic that subjects us to the disturbing sight of Viagra-fortified Hugh Hefner cavorting with this three girlfriends. As unsettling as this can be at times, the show is marginally watchable thanks to a cosmic hottie named Kendra. Her toothsome 'gifts' are almost enough to distract us from Hef's antics and the other two girls' relentless whining. She is the one bright spot in this otherwise annoying dose of reality programming. We cope by telling ourselves that boys will be boys, even when the "boy" is being a "boy" with a girl young enough to be his great granddaughter.

We're also, painfully aware of the following suffocatingly sucky speed bumps on our highway to horndog happiness:

• Our favorite booty babe air carrier, Hooters Air is going out of business, dooming us, once again, to "Flight Attendant" hell.

• The spoilsports at Virgin Intergalactic claim that women with high tech sweater puppies can't fly on their space plane because their sweater bursting talent might explode.

• Everywhere we look, eye candy is turning stale: Lindsey Lohan went from toothsome teenage temptress to anorexic eyesore; Angelina Jolie is urped; Jessica Alba swears she wants to be a serious actress, so she's never going to make our century with a "Playboy" spread or a nude scene.

• Comedy Central ruined our year when they let Twerpy Tommy Cruise browbeat them into yanking an encore showing of a Scientology-eviscerating "South Park" episode.

• Thanks to the decency dipsticks, the low grade titillation we once got from the WB and a few other outputs of pulchritude is being systematically eradicated.

"Are you done whining now?" Is that your question, Sparky? We're not whining, since all things considered, we manage to amuse ourselves without outside help thanks to adult beverage, ample pizza infusions, our collection of movie and boob tube fare on DVD, plus the occasional excursion to places that encourage horndog boys to be happy horndog boys.

We're not asking for much, and all things considered we're very easy to please. Give us cold brewskies, hot pizza, the occasional infusion of some hottie's sweater puppy cleavage, plus entertainment fare that targets a rational adult who has at least one functional synapse and we're very happy campers. That's all it takes to thrill our happy horndog hearts. Is that really too much to ask? Probably, but we're asking anyway.

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ACHTUNG: RAUCHEN VERBOTEN!

"Each individual is born with a full complement of rights. The government can't give you new rights; it can only take the ones you already have." - The PIG Doctrine

No If's, And's or Butts
Where there's no smoking, there's fire, at least in Calabas-ass California. That's right, Kalifornia is at it again. On Friday, March 17, the city of Calabas-ass, California, dolled out one of the dumbest, Draconian decrees Nanny-Knows-Best Legicrap has come up with yet: No smoking in public. That means sidewalks, public parks, bus stops, and outdoor patios, even construction sites, to name a few. Smokers can however spark up at a location designated as "Smokers Outpost" wherever that is. Our guess is that it's on the outskirts of town. You know, where all the other Desperado's, Scum, Lepers, and other assorted Riff-Raff go to meet.

Offenders could be subject to $250 for each violation, however, "First offenders will get off with a gentle warning and a breath mint." said Michael Hafken, the city's communications director. It will be the responsibility of Calabasas business owners to enforce the ban in their establishments, though members of the general public, so-called "private enforcers," - aka Smoke Nazi Scumbags, Rat Bastard Snitches, Finks, Stool-Pigeons, Tattle-Tales, Punks - may report breaches of the law. Basically, the only place people will be able to smoke in the company of a non-smoker is in their home or backyard, maybe, but don't bet on it. If one of these Smoke Nazi Scumbags tells a smoker to snuff that cancer stick, the smoker better dump that butt like a bad habit or pay the - ka-ching! - piper.

Does that mean that the city of Kalab-can-kiss-my-ass is encouraging its citizen's to snitch on one another? You better believe it Smoker Snitch Sparky. What if you're in the company of a practicing smoker that lights up, and you remain silent? Are you aiding and abetting, or an accessory after the fact? Yes, and you'll probably be excommunicated from the Smoke Snitch Scumbag Society.

The city's justification for this ordinance - Read the Entire Ordinance - is crammed with junk science, statistics that are tweaked to alarm the unwary and assorted other insults to a rational adult's intelligence. We won't go into all the reasons their data is screwed; other Internet sources have been there and done that. Instead, we'll extract two of their statistics and put them in perspective, starting with the (alleged) 440, 000 smoking-related deaths each year. Click the link below for the our take on these devilish details.

On the surface this smoking ban notion seems asinine, but essentially harmless. That's bull, because, for starters, this smoking ban - like all smoking bans in so-called "public" places - is a frontal assault on an individual's right to set the rules of engagement on his own property. A bar a restaurant, any damn business.is not a "public" anything. Individuals do not have the right to eat at "Joe's Hash House". The do have the right to engage in a voluntary transaction, if Joe chooses to allow it. By declaring Joe's eatery a "public" place, the Nanny State is, blatantly eviscerating a business owning sovereign individual's property rights. With the stroke of a pen Joe's private property was transformed into a public entity. It's still "private" when it comes to paying those taxes and the bills, but it's "public" when it comes to determining how it's run on a day-to-day basis. That might thrill you spitless, but we're far from amused.

The smoking ban is a classic Nanny State double whammy. On the one hand, they want every damn body to buy smokes, because they want all those taxes they keep piling on the evil weed. But, once they have your tax money, these same "buy as many as you like" pinheads do anything and everything to make it impossible for a smoker to light up. It's this double whammy that explains why nobody on the Tax Nazi side of this equation makes a serious move to ban smoking completely. That would kill the golden Tax Nazi goose. The last damn thing that elected tormentors at all levels of government and the parasites to glut themselves on stolen tax dollars want is for smokers to stop buying those taxed into submission smokes.

Nanny State Nitwits are so addicted to this smokes' tax loot that they think it's everyone's patriotic duty to buy as many smokes as you possibly can, to fill those perpetually ravenous tax coffers. Once you have the forbidden weed, they don't give a rip what you do with it, as long as you don't smoke them while you're residing in the known universe.

PIG is mad as hell over this unwarranted, un-goddamn-American assault on the inalienable liberties of those poor bastards who live, work, or visit this blight on the Mexifornia landscape. When did "a nation conceived in liberty" turn into a tyrannical Nanny State blight that saves people from themselves and shelters whining smoke-phobic pinheads from imaginary, statistically improbable maladies? What's next on the Kalab-can-kiss-my-ass' agenda? Will they pass an ordinance dictating how many drinks an adult can imbibe in a given week? Will they limit the amount of food the golden arches can serve to a Hippo in a Human suit? Will they emulate their Communist Chinese homeboys by banning PIG from all the computers in the city because our cyberspace speed bump might make an individual think?

Where the hell does this insanity end? Not at the Calabas-ass City Hall, that's for sure.

More Calabas-Ass Crap-Ola
...If you haven't taken the time to read the Calabasas Smoking Ordinance you should take the time to do it now: - Read Ordinance . It's alleged science is screwed and that's a fact, but for our purposes, we'll pretend that the studies they cite so eagerly aren't full of crap. We'll pretend that smoking and breathing second hand smoke are as dangerous as they claim.

If, for the sake of argument, we accept the city's inflated numbers and 440,000 American smokers die every year, that's not as alarming as it seems. According to some post-2000 Census data, America has about 280,000,000 denizens. If we divide the smokers who die each year by the total population we deduce that, at most, 0.15% of Americans are dying from smoking related causes each year. That means your odds are over 500 to 1 against dying from smoking. When did it become the Nanny State's job to save individuals from their own bad habits?

If for the sake of argument we accept the city's 52,000 Americans die from secondhand smoke a year [these numbers are vehemently refuted by rational, scientific adults] that's a microscopic 0.018% of America's population that's "allegedly" croaking from secondhand smoke. That's a tad over 5000 to 1 odds that you'll die from secondhand smoke. When did it become the Nanny State's job to save individuals from imaginary, scientifically-challenged (alleged) dangers.

FACTS & FIGURES:

The leading causes of death in 2000 were:

• Tobacco - 435,000 deaths; 18.1% of total US deaths.

There's no denying that smoking is unhealthy, but continue on down the list and you'll see some other unhealthy lifestyle choices that could be next on the list.

• Poor diet and physical inactivity (400,000 deaths; 16.6%),

• Alcohol consumption (85,000 deaths; 3.5%).

• Other actual causes of death were:

• Microbial agents (75,000),

• Toxic agents (55,000),

• Motor vehicle crashes (43,000),

• Incidents involving firearms (29,000),

• Sexual behaviors (20,000),

• Illicit use of drugs (17,000).

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AN UNACCEPTABLE RISK

ISLAMIKAZE RAMPAGE

The "religion of peace" is showing its true colors, again, and it's not a pretty sight. Inflamed by the Mohammed-themed cartoons that first appeared in a Danish fishwrap - Jyllands-Posten - last September, Mecca Maniacs around the world are doing what comes naturally. Those perpetually fun pinheads - the infamous "Arab Street" - are rampaging in Gaza, Syria and numerous other Middle Eastern outposts of "peace". In Gaza, the mob gave all Nordic people 48 hours to leave, or else. In Syria, another "peace" venerating mob looted and burned the Danish embassy. Elsewhere, the notoriously tolerant Mecca Maniac mob vows to maim and/or murder the cartoonists, along with the European journalists who printed the egregiously maligned toons.

AMERICA INVADED!

THERE OUGHT TO BE A LAW

NITWIT OR NUTS?

2005 GOLDEN OINK AWARDS

STUCK ON STUPID

PIG PIMPS FOR THE STARS

E-Mail Comments To: [email protected]

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