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Tuesday
May 21, 2019

FIRST TIME AT PIG?
• What is PIG?
• Who is PIG?
• PIG's Doctrines
• PIG PLEDGE •
I Pledge Allegiance
To The Way Cool Dudes
That Founded
The Free State Of PIG
Because PIG Is The Place
That Gets In Your Face
Regardless Of
Gender, Orientation
Or Race
• CUPCAKE NATION •
Too many Cupcakes, Basement Boys and preciuos Snowflakes invading your Safe Space? You're in the very most, PIGish Safe Space.

>>> Cupcakes >>>

• AMERICAN INFIDELS •
Wake Up, Infidels! The F.S.O.P. Declares The Infidel Insurrection Has Begun.
>> Caliphate This >>
ODE TO
BLACK LIES MATTER

There once was a thug named Brown,
Who bum-rushed a cop with a frown,
Six bullets later,
He met his creator,
Then his homies burnt down the town

GRAMMY TIME!
Why Have Granola When You Can Have Some Grammy Tune In.
>>Grammy Time >>
DON'T TREAD ON ME
Tired Of Our Sacred U.S. Constitution Being Used As A Snot Rag Like We Are? Click The Link, Read On And Be Right On.
>>> Right On >>>
'SKIN THIS!
Washington Redskins Owner Dan Snyder Has Proven Himself A True Warrior By Shrugging Off Korrectnik Thuggery. PIG Salutes ThIs Hero Of Inkorrectness For Standing Firm In His Decision To Keep The Name Redskins. Dan, You Are The Man!
CARD 'EM, DANO

Don't Give 'Em The Finger,
Because It Won't Linger.
Don't Bother To Sass 'Em
Just IDGAS 'Em
*IDGAS Is Our New " I Don't Give A Shit" Card.
When Confronted By A 'Tard,
Just Toss 'Em A Card
Click Below To Learn How You Can Be The First Kid On Your Block To Start Carding.
>>> Go Here >>>

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HAMBO FOR PREZ !
PIG'S GALLERY
 • PIG POLL •
MOONBATS
Which Moonbat Deserves A One-Way Trip To Their Very Own, Self-Imposed Safe Space?

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Michael Moore*
Maxine Waters
Any Kardashian
Occutards
Cry Bullies
Q. Tarantino
#BLM
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 *Due To Intergalactic Freight Costs, Tonage, Limited Food &
Oxygen Supply, Michael Moore
Counts As Two Votes.

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AND THE WINNER IS...
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>>> Read More >>>

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TOP STORY

PIGISH SOLUTIONS

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Hambo brings his hammer down on some pesky problems.
"
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PIG is tired of listening to the relentless whining coming from damn near everybody. Our initial reaction involved slam dunking these caterwauling cretins with our infamous fervor, but we're not going to do that, this time out. Channeling our elusive "sensitive" side, PIG is prepared to sort out a variety of problems that - quite frankly - we find far from amusing. As usual, our approach is unique, but it's much more than that. Wherever it's PIGishly possible, we employ a solution that transforms a chronic annoyance into a source of endless entertainment. That's the key to our PIGish approach: if you can't make a problem go away, then find a way to make it relentlessly amusing.

# Gender bender bathrooms & locker rooms

The solution to this restroom/locker room debacle isn't rocket science.

Your imaginary gender is irrelevant. If you've got a hole - original equipment or a tribute to modern medicine - you do your business in hole city - the women/ladies/girls facilities.

Your imaginary gender is irrelevant. If you've got a pole - original equipment or a tribute to modern medicine - you do your business in pole city - the men/boys facilities.

For consenting ADULTS, public, UNISEX, bathrooms and locker rooms could sooth those bruised Mad Nads egos.

If you cut to the chase, you are what you're packing: a pole, or a hole. Why make it more complicated, when it's as easy as that?

# A "Smack 'em" function on my phone, because there are times when you want to reach through the phone and SMACK the asshat on the other end of the call.

A "smack 'em" function? You bet. There's a pressing need for this goodie, and I can prove it.

* After you squander precious minutes of your life working your way through the "press '1' for" automated answering maze, you finally blunder into a living, breathing, human being. You're so punch drunk from the automated answering system ordeal, you aren't as alert as you need to be, in this situation. With your guard down, you agree - DUMBASS - to be put on hold. By the time you blurt out that "D'OH", it's too late, and you're in elevator music hell. But, if you had a "smack 'em" function, you could administer a bitch slap on your tormentor, with the simple press of a switch. If you're on your toes, you'll "smack 'em" the minute they answer, moving you to the front of the line, for as long as you need to stay there.

* Your friend, relative, acquaintance, or sniveling sibling, starts blubbering, the instant you answer the phone. Been there? Heard it? Don't want to go down that long, torturous road again? No problem, "smack 'em".

* When that telemarketing twerp calls you during dinner, or at the critical moment in your favorite boob tube show, don't put up with their bull crap, "smack 'em".

* Is your ex fond of calling you up and spewing a venomous trip down memory lane? Why put up with it one moment longer? Why wait for him, her, himher, or it, to call you? Instead, phone the pest up and "smack 'em".

* Did some humor challenged Harpy take out a restraining order on you that bans you from Hooters, until the sun burns out? Don't sit there feeling sorry for yourself, call the bitch up and "smack 'em".

* Is your hippie neighbor blowing out your ear drums with his god-awful music? Don't waste your time calling the cops, when you can call that music lover and "smack 'em"

* Are you going postal listening to that blithering fool that your favorite boom box talk show host has as a guest? Don't grit your teeth, don't switch the station, just get the rat bastard on the phone and "smack 'em".

* When your so-called best friend calls long distance COLLECT to gloat, after his favorite team beat your favorite team, you no longer need to imagine the joy of having this exchange of views in person, where you could respond with some chin music. With this goodie, no matter how far apart you are, you can sooth the agony of defeat the instant that you "smack 'em".

Once you give this some serious thought, you'll realize how essential it is to add "smack 'em" to your phone. Hell, a technological advance of this caliber could revitalize the American economy.

Since I have been thinking about it longer than any of you, I have come up with a couple necessary enhancements that will take "smack 'em" to the next level. The first is a targeting mechanism that would allow you to pin a bull's-eye on the bellowing cell idiot in the restaurant, or that road warrior cell idiot in front of you who is driving 40 mph SLOWER, than everyone else on the expressway. Without this enhancement, you're SOL, because you don't have their number. BUT, with a targeting mechanism, you could put the cell idiot in the crosshairs and "smack 'em".

# Reparations

Fact: Paying reparations is an asinine notion that will set back race relations in America by decades. That said, I'm all for it, if it will make these ethnocrat whiners shut the (expletive deleted) up. I say, let's dangle a wad of money (at least $500,000 in dead presidents, but I'm willing to make it a cool $1 million, if needed) in front of their bellowing, self-pitying faces. Let's tell these whiners that the money is theirs for the taking, however, we want something in return. No, I'm not spouting any 'send them back to Africa' drivel. The only requirement is as follows:

You're free to take the money and use it any way you want, tax free. In return, you, personally, and all of your descendants to the end of time, must absolve the American government of any/all historical 'sins'. In other words, from the instant you take this money, you and your family are, in the eyes of the government 'unhyphenated white males'. This means no more racial set asides, no more 'protected minority' status, no raced-based government largess, ever again. As an unhyphenated white male, you lose your race card privileges. White males, by their very nature, are incapable of being subjected to racism. By the way, former ethnocrat, that's not the white man's rules, it's yours. So, there you have it. The choice is yours. The money in exchange for your protected minority status.

In other words, take the god damn money and shut your god damn yaps, for god damn ever! If they won't accept the money on those terms, they can bellow about reparations and racism till our sun explodes, because they're not getting jack. This offer is a one-time, take it or leave it gig. End of discussion.

Update:

I wrote that YEARS ago, and tucked it away in my files, until now. It's just the way I wrote it, way back when.

It 'came out of the shadows', when I mentioned it to Porcus. Together, we brain-stormed some consequences of this plan.

* His race card is invalidated, but that's cool because he's issued a 'Cracker Card'.

* The newly minted cracker loses his, her, hisher, or its Ebonics privileges.

* The newly minted cracker won't be waylaid by the cops for 'driving while black', because, melanin-content is trumped by 'I took the money, honey'. All he needs to do is flash his Cracker Card.

* If he stumbles and lands in jail, he helps improve graybar hotel demographics because he's not another brother in the slammer, he's just another whitey, paying his debt to society.

* If he's walking on the street at night, whitey won't panic, because his reparations recipient status makes him 'one of us'. One flash of his Cracker Card will get 'er done.

* If he decides to start his own business, live in the burbs, or get an education, he has a ready response for the losers who chide him for 'acting white'. Brandishing his Cracker Card, he will proudly proclaim: "I'm not ACTING white. I AM white."

* His Cracker Card entitles him to vote for anyone he wants, including Conservatives and -GASP - Republicans.

There are, of course, some devilish details to iron out, but it's no big deal. Winner, winner, chicken dinner? Oh, hell yes.

# Humanity 2.0
Old Ka-Boom seems to be past the busiest part of his celestial agenda, so this might be a perfect time to fast track one of those back burner projects that he has neglected far too long. I am speaking, of course, about the long awaited upgrade of humanity from 1.0 to 2.0. It's time for Old Ka-Boom to git 'er done, as Larry The Cable Guy likes to say.

I know how hard it can be to get rolling on a new project, so I'll prime the pump by giving Old Ka-Boom a few pointers, then step back and let him run with the idea.

Sex:
He really needs to rethink his approach to 'begatting'. In one part of the Humanity 1.0 operator's manual - The Holy Tome - he has Humanity 1.0 begatting their butts off. In other parts of the operator's manual he's bellowing about the sinfulness of getting horizontal and squishy. I think he needs to leave sex alone, and re-engineer the begatting function.

Reproduction:
Perpetuating the human species should be a tad more involved that "wham, bam, thank you, ma'am, OOPS"? He needs separate the recreational aspects of sex from procreation. A third gender whose only biological function would be to facilitate reproduction would be one solution worth considering. Given that 'burden', such a gender wouldn't take reproduction lightly.

I am, as you probably already know, egregiously Darwinian in my approach to procreation. My Humanity 2.0 reproductive upgrade - one that I respectfully suggest is needed - is based on a very simple Hambo contention: Anyone can reproduce, and those who have no business doing so - Twatney Spears comes to mind - ALWAYS DO. In other words, my third gender whose function is transforming boinking into reproduction serves one vital purpose that amounts to "stop these people before they breed". Would a third sex let ma and pa Jackson produce a La Toya or Michael? Doubtful. Would this third gender allow ma and pa Manson unleash a Charlie? Nope. I rest my case.

Male Arousal:
I enjoy a good prank, a practical joke, as well as the next guy, but enough is enough. In Humanity 2.0, he really needs to do something about this blatant "HELLO THERE, SWEET CHEEKS" male arousal. Something a tad less hair-triggered and somewhat more subtle is needed. We can work out the fine details.

Baldness:
Admittedly, being born nearly bald and dying with that some condition has a certain symmetry, but is it really necessary to punish all men because Adam stepped in it?

Women already outlive us, so letting us keep our full head of hair to the very end would let us accept that early checkout time with a smile on our face.

Self-Sizing Tatas:
Many women seem less than thrilled spitless with the original set of sweater puppies they are issued. Why not create a biological mechanism that will let her adjust the size of her 'girls' to suit her mood. In addition to making her much, much happier, it would give dudes an early warning system beacon that will let him know when there's an unscheduled 'chill' in the air. If she deflates them the moment he enters the room, that's a sure sign that he's stepped in it.

Intellectual Flat-Liners:
There was a time when Old Ka Boom allowed these dim bulbs to achieve room temperature through their own stupidity. Then, ever so gradually, he got bored and imposed this new rule that didn't make it into the Humanity 1.0 operator's manual. You know the rule I mean, the one about Old Ka-Boom having a soft spot for fools and drunks. Granted, he seems to have a sliding scale on who makes the fools and drunks cut, but he saves more of them than he should. I think we should revoke the fools and drunks protection in Humanity 2.0.

# Swap Rats

PIG's cure for Senatorial bloviating is based on a venerable dose of American culture called the "The Gong Show." All it requires is a hand-picked panel of rational adults and a gigantic Chinese gong. Any of the rational adults can terminate senatorial bloviating at any time by smacking that large Chinese gong. Once gonged, the senator must sit down and is banned from pontificating on the senate floor for the rest of the debate on a given item. For added amusement, roving cameras will follow the gonged senator to capture all his, her, hisher or its post-gong whining. You gotta know that Chucky Schumer and his comrades will be frequent "gong" recipients, so they'll provide lots of post-gong amusement.

Are you enraged by congresspunks and their pork barrel antics? We have that covered too. It involves specially selected "referees" and reality show-like punishments. The referees would select the most egregious pork barrel offenders and force them to perform certain Fear Factor quality "tasks" to recover their House "earmarking" privileges. A special American Idol class bank of phones and computers would let the viewing audience determine which reality show fate the pork perpetrating hack must suffer. Buffo ratings and endless amusement would ensue.

See, we told you that we'd make it all better. Don't you fell a tad sheepish about all those names you called us, doubting Thomas Sparky?

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• PIG's Revamped News Page
Definitely NOT Your Mommy's News Page!
Get a PIG's-eye view of events.
Updated Any Time The News Is PIGish >>>

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• PIG's OINK OBSERVER
What the hell is it? If Enquiring minds want to know, the answer is a click away.
>>> Oink Me, Big Boy >>>
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• HAMBO'S HAMMER
Have you been Hambo'd today? Every day, PIG's insane editor posts a sample of what's on his alleged mind.
Read More >>>

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GOSPEL: PORCUS PITCHFORK

• PORCUS PITCHFORK
'Fork Off! From time to time, whenever he's mad as hell and can't take it anymore, Porcus just says, 'Fork You!
Read More >>>
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PIG'S POSTING SCHEDULE
PIG'S PIC OF THE DAY

BIG WORDS

• EYE OPENERS:
Sometimes, A Picture
Says It All.
If You Have A Unique
Photo, Cartoon or
Graphic, Sen
d It To: [email protected]

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Image Source
MLB
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WORD OF THE DAY

LOVE, n.
A temporary insanity curable by marriage or by removal of the patient from the influences under which he incurred the disorder. (Source: Ambrose Bierce's Devil's Dictionary).

If you examine Joe's record, he has generally gone along to get along throughout his 50 years as a career politician. Joe Biden not only lacks a brain; he lacks courage, integrity and foresight as well — even by the faulty leftist environmentalist whacko standards he now claims to embrace.
Dr. Hurd on Gropin' Joe

THIS IS AN ACTUAL CUSTOMER REVIEW FROM A MAN ON AMAZON.CO.UK
AFTER USING VEET HAIR REMOVAL CREAM FOR MEN.

After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly Rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly successful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit if a treat.

I ordered it well in advance and working in the North Sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...Oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was.

I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn't have long to wait.

At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head.

Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the destruction of the meat and two veg.

Struggling not to bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel off in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen, by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, toe the lid off and positioned it under me.

The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing returned. Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn't managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the draw for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon.

I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so. I took a handful of them and an tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found its way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running its engines behind me.

This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain.

The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.

Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering arhhh ooooohhh that feels good ahhh. Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn't heard her come in it caused an involuntary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction.

I can understand that having a sprout fired against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn't the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn't improve my status. So to sum it up, VEET removes hair, dignity and self-respect.

@
WHO READS WHAT

1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.

2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.

3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country, and who are very good at crossword puzzles.

4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand The New York Times.

5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could find the time and if they didn't have to leave Southern California to do it.

6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country.

7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.

8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who is running the country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.

9. The Chicago Tribune is read by people who are in prison, who used to run the state, & would like to do so again, as would their constituents who are currently free on bail.

10. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country, but need the baseball scores.

11. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure if there is a country or that anyone is running it; but if so, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are gay, handicapped, minority, feminist, atheists, and those who also happen to be illegal aliens from any other country or galaxy, provided of course, that they are not Republicans.

12. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.

13. The Seattle Times is read by people who have recently caught a fish and need something to wrap it in.

@

 

 

WHO STEPPED IN IT THIS WEEK?
March 01, 2019

 

Chicago Voter of the Week

A Federal Appeals Court judge rendered his opinion 11 days after he died?

One of the more curious opinions was handed down by the Supreme Court as part of its February 25, 2019 Order List.

The Opinion was Yovino v. Rizo (pdf.)(full embed at bottom of post), arising out of the 9th Circuit. The issue was whether the vote on the case of the late Judge Stephen Reinhardt could be counted where he expressed his vote while alive, but died before the opinion was filed. The 9th Circuit said sure, count the vote even though Reinhardt was not alive at the time the opinion was filed.

PIG Sez: The 9th Circus strikes again.

Hoof in Mouth Award

Goodness sake, Virginia. Just weeks after Virginia Gov. Ralph Northam came under fire for black face back in college, his wife Pam Northam is in hot water for offering black students cotton and encouraging them to imagine being enslaved and forced to pick the crop. From The Washington Post:

PIG Sez: [demonic laughter]

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1979 Dan White's Twinky defense saves him from a murder conviction and gets him off with a manslaughter wrist-slap, setting off an excuse-abuse deluge.

1990 Easily the most imaginative final episode in Boob Tube series history, the incomparable 'Newhart' sets the bar impossibly high for memorable departures.

GET YOUR SCOOP OF PIGISH POOP
If your Boob-Tube, News Nit-Wits or Social Media Meatheads aren't providing you with enough Caitlyn, Justin, Miley, The Donald, High Profile Race Hustlers
or anyone else that stops the presses and your world, well, OMG! and WTF! You're in the right place. Kulture Watch takes precision aim at anyone caught in our crosshairs and headlights and will give you, "The rest of the story."
Read More >>>

IT TAKES BALLS TO PLAY IN THE PIGDOME
Do you feel entitled to the brass ring, blue ribbon, trophy or ring for merely showing up? Won't work here on PIG's field. Whether it's sports or any other form of competition, if you have the competitive spirit of a warrior and a PIGish sense of humor, click below for our newest Sports Section. Enjoy our cheerleading squad, pictured, we do!
Read More >>>

INVASION OF THE BORDER JUMPERS
For too long, America's borders have been a portal for the unwelcome, uninvited, undocumented, over diseased and crime ridden riff-raff and parasitic hordes. They swarm across our porous borders, from all over the world to pee, puke, spit and poop in our melting pot...and worse. Read More >>>



Google


PIG CALENDAR

May is
No Shit Month
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Give everyone in Frisco a Pooper Scooper..
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VETERANS
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Attention all Veteran's and Active Duty Military: PIG is cordially inviting all Vets, active or retired, at home or in Irak, to send us notes or messages for posting in PIG.

>>> Read More >>>
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• ZERO TOLERANCE •
• • • • • • • • • • • Amerika's Schools Are Being Transformed Into Orwellian Wastelands With All-Out Lockstep-Style Assaults On Free Speech, Expression, And Even Innocent Fun By Ivory Tower Eggheads aka Zero Tolerance Zombies
>>> Read More >>>
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• DUMPSTER DIVING •

NEED TO UP THE VOLTAGE ON YOUR SHOCK TREATMENTS?
THERE'S A B
ETTTER WAY.
GO DUMPSTER DIVING AND ENJOY PIG'S PRIVATE STASH.
>>> Read More >>>

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• SIGNS 'O THE TIMES •
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PISSED! POLITICALLY INCORRECT SIGNS SLOGANS & ENLIGHTENED DRAWINGS. TO PERUSE OUR COLLECTION OF OUT OF THE ORDINARY POSTERS, PICS & GRAPHICS. A REAL PISSER OF A PAGE
>>> Read More >>>
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• PIG'S PLAYLIST •
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PIG DECIDED TO TURN UP THE VOLUME MORE THAN A FEW NOTCHES BY UNLEASHING OUR PLAYLIST OF WHAT WE CONSIDER NOT JUST GREAT, BUT WAY INKORRECT TUNES.WE'RE SURE YOU WON'T EXPECT "RING AROUND THE ROSIES" OR "WE ARE THE WORLD'" MAKING OUR LIST. TO TUNE IN,
>>> Read More >>>
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• TOXIC TOONS •
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SICK OF DRABBLE AND DILBERT IN YOUR FISHWRAPS FUNNY PAGES? WELCOME TO TOXIC TOONS, HERE WE EXPLORE THE TOXIC SIDE OF TOONING AROUND
>>> Read More >>>

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• PIG PIN-UPS •
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IF YOU LIKE EYE CANDY, KEEP YOUR SHIRT SLEEVE NEARBY TO WIPE THE DROOL OFF YOUR CHINS. ENJOY.
>>> Read More >>>
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• TOE-TAGGED •
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NOTABLE PASSINGS
TO MOST, WE SAY FAREWELL. TO A FEW OTHERS, WE WONDER WTF TOOK YOU SO LONG.
BON VOYAGE.

>>> Read More >>>

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• FRIENDS OF PIG •
ALICE'S RESTAURANT
PIGsters! You don't have to wait until Schools Out to head into Alice Cooper'stown in Phoenix, AZ, an eatery founded by Alice Cooper and Randy Johnson. A place where Jocks and Rock meet. Try their specialty, The Big Unit.
>>> Menu >>>
If you're ever in Las Vegas, and experiencing hunger pangs, and just have to have something hot, fresh and juicy, check yourself into:
The Heart Attack Grill
Tell 'Em PIG Sent You
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WWW.ARIZONABITEME.COM
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NATIONAL REVIEW
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FARK
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WOODPILE REPORT
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HONOR 1778
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KNOTTING KORRECTNIK KNICKERS SINCE 2004.
HOLY REALITY CHECKS, BATMAN!



© Copyright 1993-2018 PIG - The Politically Incorrect Gazette
Copyright © 1993-2018: All written, creative, design and intellectual material is perpetrated by and the exclusive property of T.D. Treat and P.K. Crowley. All original graphics are the exclusive property of P.K. Crowley. Permission not needed to beg, borrow or steal material from The Free State of PIG, just cite your source as http://www.pigazette.com, or a link to us as your source, and everyone goes to bed in one piece.