Once upon a midnight dreary…
This year, the ghosts, goblins, and ghouls at the Free State of PIG plan to rip the mask off the most egregiously maligned holiday on the world's calendar: Halloween. Why? Because it's the kind of thing we do. Also, here in the PIG bunker, Halloween is one of our favorite days of the year, for a number of reasons. First and foremost, it's a day when kids are allowed to unleash their imaginations, something that is increasingly, deplorably, rare in these Nanny State plagued times.
Halloween is about fun. It's a day when rational adults get to experience unmitigated tyke excitement, joy and laughter. It's all that and more. It would be nice if once, just once, all the whiners, hand-wringers and other killjoys would shut the hell up and let kids have some harmless 'lets pretend' fun. Since they won't cooperate, we're determined to mount a vigorous defense on its behalf. In the process, we'll hit all the hot buttons we can find, giving you a heads up on the good, the bad, and the ugly aspects of Halloween.
We'll begin this PIGish Halloween Primer, by telling you what Halloween is.
Halloween started out as an ancient Celtic festival, Samhain, a day which marked the end of the 'lighter half' of the year and the beginning of the 'darker half' of the year. Since it's a significant moment on the Celtic calendar, it's also known as the Celtic New Year.
Many of our Halloween traditions can be traced back to Samhain, including the wearing of costumes. Believing the barrier between the afterlife and this world was especially thin on Samhain, the Celts welcomed the spirits of dearly departed family members, but warded off harmful spirits, by wearing scary costumes. The use of skeletons on Halloween also traces back to Samhain, since families would deploy them on their window sill to make friendly spirits feel welcome. Other elements, like the term Jack-O-Lantern (originating in Ireland), and the carved pumpkin (an American contribution), were added later.
In the 21st century, Halloween is what it has been all of our lives, a day when children, of all ages, dress up and set forth on a candy mugging quest. On Halloween, costume wearing tykes will roam your neighborhood seeking all those sugary treats that make mom act snarky when they ask her ask for them. Cut little Moonbeam and Thunderboy some slack, mom. Yes, we know that you'll be forced to deal with that high-energy, nerve-shattering sugar high and the requisite "mom, my tummy feels funny" aftermath. The FSOP is confident that you'll survive, as usual. It's only once a year and it's a small price to pay for all those tyke high spirits.
Now that you're up to speed on what Halloween is, it's time to cut through the crap and tell you what it isn't.
We're painfully aware that some of our loyal PIGsters view this annual candy-intensive holiday with foreboding. Too many individuals see dark forces at work behind this night of make believe and that's a shame. In a perfect world, you'd figure out that, if you raised your tykes with the proper values, then one night in a Dracula cape with plastic fangs isn't going to turn your kids into virgin-sacrificing devil worshipers. That's not going to happen, so lighten up and let the kids play dress up and have some good, clean, classically-American, fun.
The most pernicious canard about Halloween is that pagans, Satanists, and Wiccans stole it from the Cross Cult. It's a popular whopper that, deliberately, abuses historical fact. The fact that Halloween - formerly All Hallows Even - occurs on the eve of the Cross Cult's All Saints Day is, as you might suspect, no accident, but the perpetrators aren't pagans. The perpetrators are Vatican players - Pope Gregory III and Pope Gregory IV - who deliberately tried to co-op this pagan festival by moving All Saints Day from May 13 to November 1. By the mid 800s A.D., the deed was done, and the assault on Halloween was going full speed ahead.
Wiccans and other, Johnny Come Lately, asshats have, belatedly, tried to horn in to do some holiday co-opting of their own, with mixed results. They're free to do whatever thrills them spitless, but the fact remains that Halloween isn't about them, either.
Over the years, a strange coalition of thin-skinned pumpkinheads joined forces to malign Halloween, but, by and large, the holiday took a licking but kept on ticking. That brings us to the next topic on our PIGish Halloween Primer agenda, the ever-popular list of suspects who get heartburn from our favorite holiday of the year.
* Border jumping scumbag invaders and their Colonista cohorts had a memorable hissy fit over an 'illegal alien' costume which involved an orange jumpsuit, an extraterrestrial mask, and a green hunk of paper which reads 'green card'.
* Wiccans interrupt their howling at the moon to complain that seeing Moonbeam packing a broom, doning her witch's garb, and sporting a hooked nose gives them a boo-boo. It's 'demeaning' and qualifies - in their fevered brains as "hate speech".
* So-called child 'advocates' blither that the scary - fright night - aspects of Halloween might scar little Thunderboy and Moonbeam for life. They bellow that it's a blatant, unacceptable, unnecessary, assault on fragile tyke psyches. On the one night that really is 'for the children', these child advocate bed wetters insist that
mom and dad oops, uh, parent 1 and parent 2, keep the tykes home.
* Anal retentive prudes complain that the costumes worn by Moonbeam and her wenchlet pals are egregiously skimpy and make them look like brazen hussies. In this category, the 'sexy ebola nurse' costume has tongues wagging.
* NO NADs, and a lot of pinheads with no sense of humor, are setting their hair on fire over our pick for costume of the year: the now infamous Ray Price costume. Ray Rice's claim to infamy is punching out his wife in an elevator, then dragging her out, afterwards. Charming! He's out of the NFL, but far from forgotten.
There are many hilarious, inoffensive costumes to wear for Halloween parties this month — Ray Rice is not one of them. Plenty of people were disgusted when a picture of a man dressed as the disgraced running back was posted online. The photo shows a man wearing Rice's No. 27 jersey dragging a blowup doll to represent his wife. [NYDN]
* One Halloween, a Minnesota woman incurred the wrath of assorted asshats, because the mock graveyard in her front yard had boo-boo inducing prose on the tombstones with names like these: Mike Hunt, Ben Dover, Phil McCracken and Hugh Jass. Our kind of gal, the woman told the whiners 'bite me'.
Speaking of Halloween phobic pinheads, a Korrectnik at the University of Colorado pissed on the candle in the pumpkin with this costume banning drivel.
Any Indian costume, Native Americans feathers, headdresses or other items are banned.
Thinking of a sexy costume - be careful - overly sexualized costumes, such as Japanese geishas, or Indian "squaws" are also banned.
Also banned - ghetto costumes.
The college also believes Caucasians might be offended, so no cowboy costumes or "white trash" outfits will be allowed either.
A university spokesman called cowboy costumes a "crude stereotype."
Thinking of dressing up like your favorite Duck Dynasty character?
Too bad - hillbilly costumes are banned, too.
The best costumes? Animals or cartoon characters, but only the most bland as some may consider some offensive. [National Ledger]
Once again, Halloween season spreads confusion far and wide. Some people - we'll call them 'eager beavers' - are just naturally horrifying, ghoulish, or ghastly, so they appear to be in costume 365 days a year. Some of you will attribute this PIGish notion to our notoriously colorful nature...Sticks and stones.
Here are a few eager beavers that We the PIGS have encountered.
* First, there's the zombie - one of the walking dead -who has been spotted out in public, this week. It's Kanye West who seems more bummed than ever, now that he 'owns' Short & Porny - AKA Kim "Porn Star" Kardashian. You're dead meat, dude, because your fat assed Armenian apple didn't fall far from the relentlessly greedy Big Mama Kardashian tree. His self-made Hell, so he burns. I can live with that.
* We were puzzled when we spotted an albino hippo herding her energetic, roly poly daughter into a pool where a large crocodile awaited her. Upon closer inspection we recognized Honey Boo Boo's lard ass mommy June, who was dumping her meal ticket in the lap of a different kind of predator, June's pedophile boyfriend.
* When we spotted a giant sphincter being interviewed by an MSM Obama toady, we wondered who was road testing his, her, hisher or its Justin Bieber costume. Silly us, it turned out to be Chucky Schumer, who is always a complete asshole, in his natural state.
* Every time we spot a scrawny skank wearing short shorts plus a flimsy top humping a lamp post, it makes us stop short and ask ourselves. Is this a garden variety crack whore, or someone in a Miley Cyrus costume?
* Several weeks ago we spotted what appeared to be dumbo-eared geek in one of those ridiculous uniforms the tin pot dictators love to wear. We didn't recognize Generalissimo Barack, at first, until an MSM toadie bloviated about the strong impression The One made while ordering air strikes on empty buildings rumored to be important ISIS facilities. The outfit and the saber rattling bluster were laughable, so Barry will, once again, venture forth as the equally laughable 'Washington Outsider', on Halloween.
* We spotted a vintage woman carrying a giant 'Y' down the street and assumed it was someone in Shrillary costume showing her pining away for her terrorist tongue candy, Huma. It was, in fact, the owner of a new eatery, 'The Y', carrying the single letter logo for her food emporium. Mistaken identity? Yup, but an understandable one, since Bubba himself confirmed Shrillary's fondness for chowing down at the 'Y'.
* You probably missed it, but NBC's news headquarters had an especially frightening terrorist incident recently. It happened when someone spotted a man carrying a bomb in the building. Was someone road testing a terrorist costume? Nope. It turned out to be the executive responsible for making David Gregory the host of 'Meet the Press' removing the last vestiges of David from the building.
* Last weekend, I was knocking back a few at a friend's house, when his Mutt ran up and started humping my leg. Smirking, I looked at mutt then my friend. "It looks like Bubba (the dog) is wearing his Chris Matthews costume again this year." That mutt is in his Matthews mode, every day.
The eager beavers are, by and large, more amusing than annoying. The costume banning candle pissers are a different story.
If there's a dark underbelly to Halloween it's all about human nature, not demonic influences. It works this way: Painfully aware that daughter Moonbeam's sudden burning need for an iPhone traces back to the fact that Moonbeam's best friend Susie just got one from her indulgent mommy, Moonbeam's mom plots her revenge. When little Susie shows up dressed as the Princess in some kid flick, Moonbeam's mom reaches for that special Susie treat, a 10,000 calorie candy bar that will put Susie's cholesterol into orbit, and give her a sugar high that will make her hyperactive for the next three weeks. It's not a perfect revenge, but it's damn close. Susie will survive, unscathed; the jury is still out on her mom's fate.
It's time to wrap this one up, so you can fortify your homestead for the forthcoming candy mugger assault. Halloween is a night for, and about, children. It's a night when tykes delight us, by dressing up and channeling their inner thespian. It's one moment in the year, when we can become anyone, anything, our hearts desire and the only limiting factors are our own imaginations. If that gives Holy Rollers, Food Nazis, Korrectniks, Wiccans, and assorted other asshats, a painful dose of Halloween Heartburn, tell somebody who cares.
It's time for rational adults to face the fetid fact that a fun day like Halloween will never register with humorless, myopic Girlie Men. It's time for us to ignore these hair incinerating, panty-wadding, pinheads, because they can't, or won't, grasp the context of a day devoted to fun, sometimes at the expense of others. It's time for rational adults to tell these Halloween killjoys to put a sock in it, because we refuse to give credence to the entirely mythical, 'right not to be offended'. We won't be enslaved to someone's irrational sensitivities. If someone has trouble with ghosts, gobblins, witches, and all the rest, it's their personal problem.