Because it amuses us, We the PIGs are breaking out our legendary State-O-Meter, to measure America's condition. We are differently-thrilled when it, once again, pegged out in the red, 'you're so screwed' zone. After all the money Messiah Barry flushed down the crapper with his various schemes, a few hopelessly optimistic PIG Staffers convinced themselves that we might return to the 'it turbo sucks, but things could be worse' readings from the Vicente Bush era. Needless to say, they were not amused, so we did the sensitive thing. After putting them on suicide watch, we started a betting pool on who offs himself first, when they go, and how they'll get 'er done.
Given Messiah Barry's pathetic performance on our State-O-Meter reading, we're compelled to stand up and bellow "what the f**k are you doing? After weighing all the essential factors, we're forced to admit that our employee, Messiah Barry, isn't measuring up to our minimum levels in any of the essential POTUS criteria. Obviously, this Dumbo-Eared fool isn't taking proper care of the nation's business.
When we take a long hard look at Messiah Barry's Prompter Punk antics, we come to the chilling conclusion that 'you're so screwed' is insanely optimistic.
He's been in office for 6 years and given what we've seen, I wonder if America can take another 2 years. Barry is, without question, the worst thing that has ever happened to America. We have put our bitterest enemy in a position of supreme authority, where he can do the most harm, twice.
Because it's necessary, let's take a look at some of Barry's least endearing traits:
* He brazenly lies about damn near everything. Since there are so f-ing many lies, too many to keep straight, he never worries about contradicting himself. In some memorable instances, he's been caught contradicting himself in the same speech or interview.
* In his oath of office, he swore he'd preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States. Instead, he uses imperial decrees to ignore, and in numerous cases, violate any/all portions of our founding document that get in his way, or cramp his Imperial Presidential style.
* For much too long, entirely too many otherwise rational adults have stepped back from stating the obvious. Barack Hussein Obama is, at minimum, giving aid and comfort to our Jihadikaze enemies. I think he's on their side, which explains why he's making sure Iran goes nuclear. If he's not on their side, why has he released so many of the terrorist leaders whom we had locked up in Gitmo? If he's not on their side, why has he done so much to try and weaken Israel? If he's not on the Jihadikaze side, why isn't he giving the Kurds the heavy weapons they need to fight and defeat ISIS?
* Hiding behind his black supremacist attorney general, Obama is dividing We the People into warring subgroups, based on race and ethnicity. Obama is deliberately fanning the flames of a race war.
* When, as they frequently do, things go wrong - Benghazi, the IRS scandal, the fast and furious gun scandal, to name a few - Obama, whose position as POTUS puts all information at his fingertips, pleads ignorance. "I didn't know anything about it, until I saw it on television.
* He has deliberately, systematically, undermined America's status on the world stage.
* His regime orchestrated the destruction of America's healthcare industry.
* He exterminated American's thriving coal industry, an act of economic terrorism that will shake our economy for years to come.
* His attempts to end all domestic oil production backfired, because by closing off public lands, he created an oil boom on private lands.
* During his regime, the MSM completed its transition from purveyors of news to the propaganda arm of the Jackass Party.
* With his help, Ivory Towers gave up all pretense of educating. Instead they became angst factories where political correctness has reached EPIC LEVELS.
* He continues to campaign for a job he's already got. He loves all the perks of his job, but, after 6 years, he still hasn't begun doing ANY OF IT.
* This is the first time he's been put in charge of anything. Having no leadership experience, he's in over his head, way over his head, and it shows.
* He's a deadly joke as Commander-in-Chief. It's not enough to make our warriors defenseless targets, thanks to the politically correct rules of engagement he imposed in Afghanistan. Far from satisfied, after taking weapons out of our warriors' hands, he's arming the enemy - in Syria, and elsewhere, with our most advanced weapons. At the same time, he is purging any top brass with meaningful battlefield cred and replacing them with politically motivated brass who only make war on our own warriors. We don't need to ask whose side he's on, because, in his case, his actions speak much louder that his words.
We're forced to conclude that this Jihadikaze loving tool can't be trusted with America's top job. He's in way over his head. In fact, given his slacker management style, he's not even up to the 'do you want fries with that' rigors of a fast food joint's drive-up window. The bottom line is painfully clear. He had 6 years to get his shit together and isn't getting anywhere close to getting something, ANYTHING, done to our satisfaction. Something needs to be done.
He is, in our considered opinion, hopeless. He's not man enough for this job, so he needs a career more perfectly aligned to his meager skills. We see no point in putting off this painful decision: He has got to go, IMMEDIATELY. That begs the question, who should replace him? I know what you're thinking and I agree that Jabbering Joe Biden would be at least as bad. Unhappily, we don't see anyone, from either of the dominant political clans, who can perform this task, to our satisfaction. Left with no other choice, the FSOP will need to take care of this one ourselves.
That's right, we're ready, willing, and eager to show Barry the door, and take on this vital job, until a suitable replacement for him can be found.
I know what you're thinking and we agree, in principle, that we have Constitutional ways of resolving this matter. We don't dispute that, but we're compelled to ask if you trust the fools on Capitol Hill to fix a problem which they created, then exacerbated, themselves. While you're mulling that, we'll present our compelling credentials.
Instead of extolling our many leadership virtues, we'll render you speechless with our awe-inspiring, PIGish, solutions.
Veteran PIGsters know that the FSOP has already proposed properly-PIGish solutions for some of America's problems. For example:
* Border Jumping Scumbag Invaders: Been here. Fixed it. How? Landmine Lotto , of course. This PIGish prose will get you up to speed:
Landmine Lotto involves liberating all the world's land mines and using them to line our border. If a player - Alas Poor Chico, I knew him well - stumbles through the mine field without blowing his nuts to Honduras, he must wait until Juan, Guadalupe, whomever blows themself up. At that point, he must replace the exploded mine with a new one. If he manages that, he's free to enter the USA. Or, if he refuses, he's tagged with an electronic transmitter, ala Wild Kingdom, and sent back.
* Restoring Uncle Sam's 'Big Dog on the Block' Status: On our Hambo for Prez page we offer many workable solutions, including this one:
Every Monday morning, we'd give our personal assistant - we're thinking Kendra from 'Girls Next Door' - our latest list of 'asshat countries'. Kendra would arrange for the top diplomat from each country on the list to meet us in the Oval Office, where they would see the name of their country written down and put inside Uncle Sam's top hat. Then, a randomly chosen American would get to pull out the name of the winner.
The name of the winner will be announced and its ambassador informed that his nation will be nuked, immediately, for being a pain in Uncle Sam's butt. This mushroom cloud reality check will remind all the other pissant nations who dodged that nuclear bullet why they don't want to screw with us.
* Law Suit Abuse By Relentlessly Greedy Trial Lawyers: The FSOP insists that our no limit, trial lawyer hunting season is an idea whose time has come. Put us in charge and we'll get 'er done.
Unwilling to rest on our laurels, we're ready, willing, and eager to solve misery-inducing problems like these:
* Traffic Congestion On, or Near Those Suicide Hotspots like Bridges, Overpasses & Buildings: Equip all emergency vehicles with a sonic boom class sound system, and a song suitable to the occasion: Van Halen's "Jump".
* Climate Change I: Step 1: Round up all the lab-coated hooligans who give lip service to the Hot Air Buffoon's demented, Globally-Warmed, ravings. Step 2: Outfit them in Bermuda shorts, t-shirts and sandals. Step 3: Load them on a plane, wearing a parachute and holding a thermometer. Step 4: Air drop them onto the South Pole. Step 5: Baby it's COLD outside enlightenment.
* Climate change II: According to the chattering Chicken Littles in the Greeniac lunatic fringe, Global Warming is to blame for the super storms which slammed into the Northeast USA, this Winter. In fact, these same wonky weather weenies warn that a much bigger weather system could be lurking out there somewhere. Blah, blah, blah.
The FSOP finds this hyperventilating amusing, but far from scientifically sound. Our own crackpot lab-coated hooligans have a much more plausible explanation. The culprit, they insist, is the gravitational pull of Kim Kardashian's colossal caboose and its relentlessly expanding event horizon which is yanking the storm track much farther North than normal.
Our solution, is simple. The next time this happens and we want to put the storm track back where it belongs, we'll relocate Kim and her hippo butt to Cuba. The gravitational pull of her king size caboose with yank the storm track south back where it will do some good, by, hopefully, putting the Castro brothers, out of our misery.
*Home grown Jihadikazes: Step 1: Drag the Jihadikaze to Club Gitmo, where his shyster can't reach him. Step 2: Have a PMS-ravaged team of hormonally-deranged women go rage-a-holic on him for a few days, to soften him up. Step 3: Send in some Marquis de Sade class interrogator who will get things rolling by threatening "to go John J. Pershing on his sorry ass". Step 4: Suitably persuaded, this punk will tell us everything he knows, plus, a lot of crap he doesn't know.
* Cell Idiots, Texters, Tweeters, Make-up Appliers and Other Distracted Drivers: Give tax breaks and regulatory relief to any manufacturer that equips its vehicles with asshat-seeking missiles.
* Congress: Putting the Elephant Clan in charge is a good starting point, but more needs to be done, so we'll start by kicking the leadership - Sobby, McConnell, and a few others - upstairs. How? By putting them in cabinet positions in departments we plan to downsize or eliminate. If we do it right, we make room for new blood, new leaders who favor a smaller, less intrusive government.
As you can see, putting the FSOP in charge, after pink-slipping Barry for failing so miserably at his latest performance review, is an idea whose time has come. We're convinced that you'll find our FSOP regime a refreshing change from this Jihadikaze, who pretended to have all the answers, when, in reality, he didn't even understand the questions. Unlike that narcissistic fool, the FSOP will seek out rational adults, certified sovereign individuals, who have the requisite expertise, but no self-serving, tax $$$ plundering, axe to grind. We'll ask, we'll listen, then we'll find the solution which maximizes individual liberty and minimizes Nanny State interference in your life. That's how real American leadership is supposed to work, will work, if you turn us loose.
If you want an administration whose notion of a state dinner is a kegger with the burgers and pizza served by the Hooters hotties, turn us loose. Hell, play your cards right and we'll invite you, but bring some $, because we'll pass the hat to pay for it.
If you want an administration that will privatize the airwaves, privatize Educrap, and take a meat axe to the alphabet soup of federal agencies - EPA, EEOC, FDA, IRS, DEA, etc. - turn us loose.
If you want an administration that will scare the snot out of Islamikazes, Commie scumbags, Nanny State Nitwits, Korrectniks, and neo-Marxist meatheads, turn us loose.
If you want an administration that will make war on the mighty hyphen, by promoting the properly-hyphenated from the victimhood to the lofty status of sovereign individualism, turn us loose.
If you want properly PIGish solutions, we've got 'em. The next move is yours, We the People Sparky.