Holy Roller Hook-up of the Week

I’m pleased as punch to welcome the Holy Roller with the indestructible hair - Benny Hinn - back to the pages of PIG. An all around supernaturalist thrill ride in presumably-human form, Benny has taken multitasking to new levels. How? You might not be thrilled, but I sure as hell am.

According to the National Enquirer, Benny - whose wife of 30 years filed for divorce in February - combined Holy Roller business with pleasure, during a recent trip to Rome with twice-divorced Evangelist Hottie, Paula White.

[Hinn posted a statement on his website], which has since been removed from his site, was directed to "my precious partner." He "forcefully, categorically and absolutely renounce(s) the lies that have been spread about me and want to set the record straight with you. There is nothing inappropriate or morally improper about my friendship with Paula White. There has been no immorality whatsoever!"

The televangelists acknowledged that they reconnected in late May after not seeing each other in years when White taped a "This Is Your Day" segment on Hinn's television show. White said as someone who has endured a "painful and public divorce," she was able to offer him insight and spiritual encouragement. (Tampa Tribune)

Apparently, offering Benny insight and spiritual encouragement is Paula-speak for ‘we got Holy Roller Horizontal and Squishy in the Eternal City. Learn something new every day.

Hot Holy Roller Idea of the Week

If you’re a veteran PIGster, you might recall our last visit to the Dove World Outreach Center, a Cross Dude Toll Booth in Gainsville, Florida. If you’re not up to speed on the Dovesters, suffice it to say that they’re not the turn the other cheek kind of Toll Booth.

Our last encounter with the Dovesters centered on the "Islam is of the Devil" signs that they deployed on the Toll Booth lawn. As expected, it thrilled the snot out of all the usual suspects. It did not, as far as I can tell, elicit a memorable response from the Jihadikazes. Not ready to quit, the Dovesters are kicking their Jihadikaze provoking antics into the stratosphere. How? You’re going to be thrilled.

A Brit fishwrap, the Guardian, served up these sneeringly snarky particulars:

On September 11, members of the Dove World Outreach Center – a Gainesville, Florida church – plan to burn copies of the Koran to commemorate the ninth anniversary of the 9/11 attacks. The protest is just the latest in a series of provocative actions from the self-described "New Testament Church," which seems as interested in getting attention as it is in sharing the Word with the world. Unfortunately, their plan seems to have worked -- and local investigators have begun probing the church's tax-exempt status after reports that Dove World Outreach Center is essentially a scam.

The church, which was founded in 1986, has long been controversial in Gainesville. The Koran-burning protest is just the latest in a string of high-profile "protests on other issues, such as homosexuality, same-sex marriage, and abortion," Religion News Service reports. But it seems clear that taking on Muslims is the one of the church's central goals. The church's leader, Dr Terry Jones – who before heading up the Dove World Outreach Center ran a sister church in Cologne, Germany – has published a book entitled "Islam is of the Devil" and posted a large sign outside his church that offers passing commuters the same message. Last year, members sent their kids to public schools wearing "Islam Is Of The Devil" t-shirts (the students were sent home, creating more headlines.)

Torching copies of the Jihadikaze Tome? Yup, that should get ‘er done.

The first time I stumbled upon this eye-opening reality check on Islam, it was in the form of a video. I’m pleased to present it in a more user-friendly form, here on Hambo’s Hammer.

It is the work of FamilySecurityMatters.org Contributing Editor Gadi Adelman. He’s a is a freelance writer and lecturer on the history of terrorism and counterterrorism.

Here’s an excerpt from a posting entitled: Discussing Islam - A losing battle? (July 27, 2010)

When I set out to learn about terrorism at a very early age I had no intention of learning anything about, let alone becoming what many have called an “expert” on Islam. I didn’t care about Islam, I didn’t really care about any religion other than my own, I wanted to learn about terrorism and that is what I did.

I started with the history of terrorism, what better way to study a subject than to start at the beginning? I started with the Zealots and the Sicarii in biblical times and learned about terrorism from its original roots all the way up through the 21st Century. Throughout my studies there was one defining factor that kept showing up and the more I learned the more it reared its ugly head, Islam.

I’ve been called an Islamophobe, a racist, a hater of Muslims - you name it, I’ve heard it. Funny thing though, other than Muslims, every person who has ever called me something along these lines knew nothing about Islam.

Most people have never read the Bible, so to ask them to read the Quran is like pulling teeth. Most people only expose themselves to information that matches their own opinions because it is easier and more comfortable; that’s just human nature. Most people think of Islam as a religion rather than a theocracy and therefore assume, “it’s a religion like Christianity or Judaism and cannot possibly call for death to other religions or war or violence because Christianity and Judaism doesn’t.”

Most people just don’t want to hear or know the truth if it goes against their own morals. It’s easier to say “you’re wrong, Muslims are no longer like that, that was in the 600’s, they are modernized now, and stonings no longer happen, they don’t want to dominate the world with Sharia, you’re nuts”. Yes, they would rather believe that, then to hear, learn or face the truth.

To paraphrase Walid Shoebat, the PLO terrorist who converted to Christianity and wrote the book “Why I left Jihad”; In order to understand Islam you must stop looking through Western eyes.

Most people are unaware that unlike the Old and New Testaments (numerous books written over hundreds of years by several people) that the Quran was one book, based upon the revelations and preachings of one illiterate man, compiled shortly after his death from oral and written records. The Quran is meant to be taken literally and again, unlike the Bible, it has few vague or symbolic analogies.

Many people are unaware that when the Quran contradicts itself, the passage written later supersedes the one written earlier. All the parts of the Quran that speak of peace and tolerance were written early on and according to the Islamic tradition, all those passages have been abrogated later by much more violent and less tolerant passages.

Surah 2:106 “And for whatever verse We abrogate or cast into oblivion, We bring a better or the like of it; knowest thou not that God is powerful over everything?”

Surah 16:101 “When We change one verse for another (God knows best what He reveals), they say: 'You are an imposter.' Indeed most of them have no knowledge.”

To make the issue confusing, the Quran is not arranged in chronological order. The first nine Surahs are at the start because they are the largest. Surah 2 is earlier than Surah 1 and earlier than Surahs 3 to 9.

A much-quoted early verse which is “peaceful”:

Surah 2: 256 There shall be no compulsion in religion: the right way is now distinct from the wrong way. Anyone who denounces the devil and believes in GOD has grasped the strongest bond; one that never breaks. GOD is Hearer, Omniscient.

Is abrogated later by several violent and intolerant verses such as this:

Surah 9: 5Then, when the sacred months have passed, slay the idolaters wherever ye find them, and take them (captive), and besiege them, and prepare for them each ambush. But if they repent and establish worship and pay the poor-due, then leave their way free. Lo! Allah is Forgiving, Merciful.

So, when most people hear Jihadists quoting violent passages from the Quran and then other Muslims quoting peaceful passages, they interpret it same way they would if someone was quoting the Bible or the Torah and they think to themselves “there are contradicting passages just like in other religions and Muslims can choose which one they want and justify whatever actions they want to take.”. The problem is that the Quran is nothing like that and makes it explicitly clear that you must never alter any part of its message or you will burn in a fiery torment forever.

Are we all up to speed on the religion of peace now, head in the sand Sparky? We better be, because a pop quiz is NOT out of the question.

[I had another posting in mind for today, but I’ll post it another day. Instead, I’ll disinter a top story classic that is painfully pertinent, at this moment in America’s history.]

Since each individual is responsible for his, her, hisher, or it's own life, it is irrational for anyone to expect to be saved from oneself. No matter how powerful you might think it is, the Great Amerikan Nanny State has a very limited ability to save you from your own stupidity. If you take asinine risks, sooner or later, Mother Nature will evict you from the human gene pool.
- PIG Doctrine

For a variety of asinine, sob-sister, reasons, a critical mass of alleged Americans have decided that life, that pernicious pest, objective reality, is just too damn complicated for them. They’re fed up with self reliance. They detest the classically American, rugged, individualism which told them to work hard and carve out their own piece of the American dream. Most of all, they hate, detest and abhor that pesky relic of a bygone era, taking responsibility for your own actions.

This new breed of so-called Americans has been taught that achievement, success, and - yes - taking control of your own life, are the root of all that’s evil in this world. Such things are nothing more or less than a dastardly plot - Vicente W. Bush and Darth Cheney are behind it, no doubt - to make them miserable. This new breed of so-called Americans has been steeped in victimhood and taught that being a parasite is life’s highest virtue. They’re convinced that life would be spiffy if they could find the right Big Nanny State Daddy to take care of their every want, their every need.

Life with a Big Nanny State Daddy is so simple you don’t even need to participate. Crave some party action an Ivory Tower? He’ll take care of it. Need a home? He’ll give you one. Need some spending money? He’ll give it to you. Don’t know what to eat, what to drive or where to live? He’ll tell you all that and more. Hell, Big Nanny State Daddy is so accommodating, he’ll even wipe that parasite punk’s fat ass after he takes a dump.

Here in the Free State of PIG, we’re old school. We’re throwbacks to that bygone era when each individual called his own shots. We’re PIGish and proud enough to take credit for our successes. We're also willing to take the blame for our failures. We’re those ‘bitter’ Americans who cling to our guns, our beliefs, and the fruits of our labor.

Here in the Free State of PIG, we think that, when you plan to mug your neighbor, you need to be man enough to put on the mask, grab a gun and do the dirty work, personally. You don’t cower under your bed, while Big Nanny State Daddy goes next door to empty your neighbor’s deep pockets.

We’re PIGishly proud of the fact that we just say "no" to Big Nanny State Daddy. We just say "no" to all his freebies, because being fitted with those slave of the Nanny State shackles isn’t what Thomas Jefferson had in mind when he wrote about "Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness". He didn’t mean that you traded in control over your life, then surrendered your liberty in exchange for a Big Nanny State Daddy who would determine what ‘happiness’ is, without your participation.

When Big Nanny State Daddy promises us the sun, the moon, the stars, plus the galaxy of our choice, we just say "no". We know that he’s ripping those ‘gifts’ out of an achiever’s hide, and we want no part of it.

When Big Nanny State Daddy promises to protect us from the Fat Cave Fathead’s Global Warming, we just say "no". We know that this bogus fight against Earth’s natural heating and cooling cycle is just a world-spanning wealth redistribution scheme and we want no part of it.

When Big Nanny State Daddy promises to shield us from things he doesn’t want us to hear over our radio, we just say "no". We don’t need his help when it comes to determining how and where we get informed. If the boom box babbler gets on our last raw nerve, we know how to change the dial. In fact, we even know how to turn the blasted thing off.

When Big Nanny State Daddy promises to protect us from things he thinks somebody else’s tykes shouldn’t see on the Boob Tube (or the Internet), we just say "no". We refuse to have our entertainment choices censored because some breeder can’t, or won’t, exert parental control over their rampaging spawn. The television and the computer are not electronic baby sitters. If you want to get Rocketboy and Moonbeam off on the right foot, turn that crap off, take away all the electronic diversions, and give them a book to read.

When Big Nanny State Daddy tells us that some spray can punk’s graffiti isn’t vandalism, but ‘urban art’, we just say "no". What those punks need is an introduction to the business end of a cattle prod.

When Big Nanny State Daddy unleashes his mutant Fat Nazi/Smoke Nazi spawn on us to dictate our personal choices, we just say "no". We’ll deal with secondhand smoke, transfats, and all our other personal choices without their goose-stepping assistance.

When Big Nanny State Daddy assures us that he’s the best one to administer our healthcare, we don’t just say "no", we just say "HELL NO". We weren’t born yesterday and we know that Big Nanny State Daddy’s gifts always come with strings attached. The price, in this case - letting Big Nanny State Daddy dictate every minor detail of our lives - is just too f-ing high.

Once you get started, you’ll quickly discover how multifaceted just say "no" really is. In fact, it’s most powerful when you use it in your daily life.

Tired of spin-doctored alleged news from Messiah Barry’s Broadcast Blowjob Brigade? Just say "no" by removing MSNBC, CNN, Headline News, and CNBC from your channel surfing lineup. If you watch CBS, NBC, or ABC and the news comes on, just say "no" by changing the channel.

If you’re a multi-tasking twerp...If you like to eat that ice cream cone with the left hand, talk on the cell phone in your right hand and decide to do it while driving your car, just say "no" to that triple-threat multi-tasking.

If you blew past pleasingly plump years ago and are mired in ‘wide load’, do all of us a favor and just say "no" to body-hugging sweat pants or stretch pants.

If you got a late start on your morning commute and think the best way to resolve that issue is tailgating some a venerable car with an "Orthodox Pagan" license plate holder, just say "no". You don't want Hambo teaching you the errors of your ways.

If, after years of self-sacrifice, you finally achieved that boyhood dream and sprouted a beer belly which needs its own Zip Code, we’re trying to be thrilled for you. If, however, you are compelled to share this treasure with an unsuspecting public, just say "no" to going out without your shirt.

If your hairline is retreating faster then the French Army and your finances aren’t on life support, don’t be a Trump (rhymes nicely with "chump"), Sporty. Just say "no" to that combover and invest in some high tech hair.

If you’re a capitalist who wants us to spend some money on the goodies that are so enriching for you, the entire PIGdom is in your corner and rooting for you. If, however, you are tempted to hire some personable pinhead who has the I.Q. of day old broccoli, just say "no" to that hiring brainfart.

If you’re one of those miserable cell idiot asshats who can’t cope with anything more complicated than picking your nose without that damn technological blight slammed against your ear, you’re pathetic, but not our problem. On the other hand, if you’re one of the aforementioned cell idiots and you decide it’s time to bellow details of your life into that damn phone while we’re trying to eat a meal in our favorite eatery, you’re begging for an ass kicking. Just say "no" to bellowing cell idiocy.

The bottom, no bull crap, line on just say "no", is a classic 'good news', 'bad news' situation. We'll start with the 'bad', which, as you've probably guessed involves Big Nanny State Daddy.

Keeping Big Nanny State Daddy out of your life, isn't a walk in the park. He's got the Nanny State's monopoly on the use of force on his side. How do you fight that? You refuse to surrender your liberty without a fight, by refusing to invite him to intrude. You just say "no" and let him know he's not wanted or needed.

The good news is that you can take control over life's petty, just say "no", annoyances. The MSM can't 'spin' you, if you refuse to let them. Those realty show sluts can't ravage your synapses, if you don't let them. If you run a business, you need to man up and tell your friend/relative that their idiot offspring is just too stupid for your outpost of capitalism. If the reflection in the mirror is a walking horror show, just say "no" and put on something that’s only moderately ghastly. Just say "no" when it's your life, your call.

The Free State Of PIG will always be waving that banner of freedom for the underdog, unsung individual heros that have the nads to just say "no" to the status quo. You know who you are, and so do we, but we can keep a secret.

To the rest of you Nanny Staters, Busy Bodies, Do-Gooders, Finger-Pointers and Korrectnik Krusaders, we have one message:

Get your nose's out of our asses and wallets and stick it up your own.

Is that too vague for you? No problem, try this on for size:

BITE ME!

Doomed or not, I can’t stop musing about organizing a third party, a third party organized by and consisting entirely of rational adults. This Rational Adults Party (RAP) would cut the crap, and the fat, and transform Uncle Sam into a lean, mean, liberty-maximizing machine. Whenever possible, RAP keeps it simple.

You’re a rational adult who owns a home and the neighbors keep barging into your yard. Determined to fix it, you ‘enforce’ the border of your property by building a fence. If that fails to get the job done, you deploy a very large, terminally cranky mutt to seal the deal. RAP would apply that on a national basis and keep uninvited intruders out of our nation’s yard.

You’re a rational adult who is painfully aware that there are some bad asses around who won’t take a hint. Nobody’s fool, you pool your resources with your like-minded neighbors then train, equip and deploy some professionals to deal with the matter. RAP would apply that lesson on a national basis, by giving Uncle Sam’s professionals the training and equipment to get the job done. When trouble came our way, RAP would unleash these dogs of war and let the professionals accomplish their mission, without relentless interference from clueless civilians with a political agenda.

You’re a rational adult who is irked because your usual source of water has become intolerably expensive or inefficient. You do the rational thing by seeking a new sources of supply. One option would be to drill a well on your own property to tap into known water reserves. RAP would apply that on a national basis by taking the shackles off our energy industry, allowing them to tap into the resources on Uncle Sam’s property, instead of continuing to buy that high price oil from price gouging foreign sources.

You’re a rational adult who minds your own business. You don’t interfere with the private, consensual activities of your adult neighbors. RAP would expand that ‘none of my damn business’ notion from sea to shining sea, by doing away with ‘victimless’ crimes. Instead, RAP would put these oft-maligned activities in the marketplace, where they would succeed or fail on their own merit.

You’re a rational adult who trusts their own judgement. You assess each person you meet on their merits as an individual. You don’t let yourself get distracted by irrelevant factors that have no bearing on the decision at hand. RAP would expand that notion nationwide by restoring the objective, one size fits all standard to its rightful place in American society. Each individual would succeed, or fail, on their own individual merits.

RAP would get back to basics on these and, countless other, things by harkening back to made in America concepts. RAP would restore rugged individualism, pulling yourself up by your bootstraps, and learning to cope with failure to their rightful place in America. RAP would step back and let the marketplace - not some caterwauling cretins - measure the merits, of an idea or a firm’s goods and services. RAP would give each American control over, responsibility for, their own life. RAP would do its utmost to restore, "life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness" to their proper place in America. RAP’s objective is to put your life, in your hands, Sparky.

RAP is a pipedream, but one that I shall continue to nurture, because objective really is really starting to suck.

I'm Not THAT Thirsty

It’s known by many names, but in Indonesia, where it’s perpetrated, it’s called Kopi Luwak. What is it? It’s the world’s most expensive coffee - $200 a pound - because there’s only 1,000 pounds of it produced, worldwide. Why is it so rare? Why indeed?

You’ll be thrilled to learn that this particular coffee bean takes a detour on its route from the coffee bush/tree, before it arrives piping hot in your coffee cup. In this case, the bean must travel all the way through the digestive system of a civet cat, before it’s deemed ‘good to go’. That’s right, you’ll be forking over a king’s ransom for java that some Indonesian critter popped out.

As fun as that sounds, it gets better, because, for a brief interval, Indonesia’s Islamikazes deemed this critter pooped java ‘unclean’. Later, after yammering about it, they gave it a green light, as long as the beans are thoroughly washed between the pooping out and the roasting phases.

The Mecca Maniacs can swill all the critter poop java they want, but not me. For this pagan scribbler, critter poop java rates a ‘not no, but HELL NO’. I’m just sayin.

Item: Another Enlightenment Adventure

It happened while I was toiling at a customer site and one of the customer’s employees lobbed a rhetorical floater in my direction. It was too good to pass up, so I went into emergency enlightenment mode and pummeled the floater out of the park.

It began, simply enough, while she was planning her trip to the county fair. Exploring the many attractions which were touted on the fair’s Internet site, she went non-clinically bonkers over - you’ll have to imagine her high pitched squeals - pig races. She gushed. She tittered. She cooed. She sighed. She gushed again.

Eventually, she noticed my singular lack of enthusiasm over pig races.

Her: "It’s PIG RACES!"

Me: "I left my thrilled spitless over PIG RACES in my other pants."

Her: "But the little piggies are so CUTE!"

Me: "I left my ‘they’re so CUTE’ in my other pants, too."

Her: "I’ll be you’ve never seen a PIG race."

Me: "Wrong!"

Her: "I don’t believe you."

Me: "The last PIG race I saw happened when a herd of ‘size positive’ sows stampeded at the all you can eat buffet."

Suitably enlightened, she walked away, shut her office door, then cracked up.

Item: Yesterday’s Hambo’s Hammer

PIGster J, PIG’s Professor of Piety, fired off an e-mail, today, asking me about yesterday’s entry:

Him: Got a good laugh out of the posting today about telling the guy to run for it before he got married J One thing though – was there more to the story about the minister only performing Christian weddings? Was he rude or something? To me, that would be no different than a Rabbi declining to perform a Christian ceremony, or the like.

Me: When he started off with that 'only Cross Cult weddings' rant, it hit me wrong. It's as if he said "I know we're here to watch Johnny and Moonbeam get hitched, but first let's talk about something really important ME". None of the invited guests - I wasn't one of them - went there to hear this fool toot his own horn.

If he wanted to extol the strong faith and Christian virtues of the COUPLE, that's SOP and thus Hambo cool. If he wanted to state his wedding participation criteria to EXCLUDE one or both of the prime participants, that would be AWESOME. He did neither. Instead, he played the ME card and risked some Hambo Enlightenment.

[If you read this week’s Top Story, you know why I’m no longer invited to weddings. If you need further proof that leaving me off the guest list is a spiffy idea, I introduce this story into evidence. It proves that no wedding is safe from Hambo the Heckler, even when it’s one that didn’t invite him.]

It happened while I was visiting my brother. It’s windy and cold outside, par for the course in WINTER. Despite that, my brother, who was paying his annual visit to a certain town that shall remain nameless, suggests that we walk to the beach and have a chat at one of the tables on the sand. With nothing better to do, I agreed.

We were exchanging pleasantries when Johnny and Moonbeam blundered into our region of the planet. Johnny and Moonbeam weren’t exactly dressed for the beach, but we cut them some slack, because Johnny and Moonbeam were there to tie the knot. They had no idea how close we came to staging an intervention.

The minister ‘begged’ for it when he spouted drivel about "I only marry Christian couples". I considered giving him a pagan reality check, but resisted. I toyed with the idea of nailing him with a dreaded pagan curse that would give him a killer case of wang rash, but held back. Why? Seeing a man of the cloth grab his crotch and howl in agony might scare the crap out of the flower wenchlet and scar her for life. That’s right, I did it for the children.

My brother and I road tested - out loud - suitable responses for that bit about "If anyone gathered here knows a reason why this man should not marry this woman, speak now or forever hold your piece."

Me: "Don’t do it, Johnny."

Him: "Just say, no, Johnny."

Me: "Do a Bundy, Johnny. Go to the local nudie bar and do some comparison shopping."

Him: "Stick a fork in yourself, Johnny. Once you say "I do", you are DONE."

Our wives gave us the look, but didn’t intrude on this brotherly bout of male bonding. That’s right, PIGsters, despite our best efforts, Johnny strapped on a ball and chain named Moonbeam. Ignoring my well founded misgivings - don’t forget I SAW Moonbeam - I’m willing to man up and wish Johnny and Moonbeam as much happiness as I’ve enjoyed with my lovely bride.

Parting shot: Speaking of shock-inducing weddings, I had the worst scare of my life at a wedding. I know what you’re thinking, Sparky, and shame on you. This is not about MY wedding. It happened while my lovely bride and I attended the wedding of a neighbor’s daughter. Since we weren’t close friends of either family, we parked it in the rear pew of the Toll Booth and waited for the festivities to begin.

Those festivities started with the most ungodly noise I’ve ever heard. HE snuck up behind us and standing at point blank range, this musical terrorist began doing god knows what with the bagpipes - that's right, BAGPIPES - that he had mere inches from my ears. I still get the shakes and my ears start to bleed whenever I have a bagpipes flashback.

Item: Top Story Leftover

Roger The Rookie
Roger The Rookie gave me one of the biggest laughs of my life, the morning after his wenchlet daughter’s first slumber party. Utterly shattered by a night jam packed with girlish high spirits, he was, to say the least a wreck.

Baby girl was palpably smug over the number she and her wenchlet hellions had done on dear old dad. She demonstrated for dear old dad, one of Hambo's unwritten laws: a lot things will happen during a wenchlet slumber party, but sleeping isn't one of them.

If your neighbor is headed for a similar reality check, do whatever it takes to be up and about, the morning after. I’m just sayin’.

Item: Nanny State Word Games

I stumbled over this on-line and decided to give you an advanced peek at a slam dunk for this week’s awards pages. If you thought ‘man caused disasters’ was the ultimate in Nanny State doublespeak, get over it.

Here are the fun facts from a Mexifornia fishwrap, the Redding Record-Searchlight

The fishwrap scribbler is on the right track, with his snarky comment about "displaced foreign traveler", but slightly off the mark. To me "displaced foreign traveler" makes this weed-wrangling, border jumping scumbag sound like a lost piece of airline luggage, which, inexplicably, ended up in a Northern Mexifornia pot farm. I’m just sayin’.

Caged Heat:
One of the boob tube blights has a countdown clock, which is ticking off the hours, minutes and seconds until Lindsey Lohan becomes a slammer slut.

Once that cell door slams behind LiLo, another countdown clock begins. This one counts the days, hours, minutes and seconds until LiLo serves up her first post slammer slut interview. Insiders report that she’s selling that bit of show and tell for - at minimum - a cool $1,000,000 in dead presidents.

Fun Fact: During the final days before her slammer slut adventure, LiLo was seen cavorting with her Y-Naut squeeze, Samantha Ronson. I think LiLo is 'cramming' for her gala entrance into the slammer slut social scene. I'm just sayin'.

Irreconcilable Differences:
Islam and America's inalienable individual liberty are fundamentally incompatible. They are the philosophical equivalent of matter and anti-matter. When the two philosophies come into contact - KA-BOOM! - all hell breaks loose. The most dangerous fact about Osama and his terrorist asshats is that, unlike most Americans...including the president...they understand that this is a fight to the death between two diametrically opposed philosophies. The Islamikaze's who planned and executed the 9-11 attacks recognize that inalienable individual liberty is Islam's mortal enemy. Both cannot coexist side-by-side without destroying each other. The Islamist zealots know that inalienable liberty will destroy their suffocating supernaturalism and they're determined to stop that, by any means at their disposal.

It's time to pull our heads out of our butts and face the unpleasant - for most American's - fact that in this war Islam is the enemy. How many more 9-11's must America endure before we wake the hell up and get serious about Political, World-Conquering Islam?

Evangelizing Atheists:
I don’t understand, and won’t try to explain, why so many atheists are carrying on like utter and complete retards. I suspect that it’s that utterly human endeavor: why don’t you look at MEEEEE?

On the off chance that some of you fall for this ‘hug your local atheist’ crap, I have some useful information, which will help you track them down. Here, according to my crackpot research staff, are some high points on the atheist calendar:

Thomas Paine Day (Jan. 29) - [He’s a hero in the Free State of PIG who should be honored every day.]

Darwin Day (Feb. 12)

April Fool's Day (as always, April 1) - [I don’t get this one at all.]

World Humanist Day in June - [Never heard of if, don’t care about it.]

Ingersoll Day (Aug. 11) - [I am an fan of Robert Green Ingersoll, so sue me.]

There’s also something called Festivus, which was a bit perpetrated by Jerry Stiller on "Seinfeld", a show I managed to avoid, thank you very much. If you’re a "Seinfeld" fan, here are the fun Festivus facts as presented by the Washington Times.

In that episode, a Festivus pole is plain aluminum, made to contrast with the ornate Christmas trees; the official greeting is "Happy Festivus"; and each person complains to family and friends how they have disappointed the complainer in the past year.

This pagan scribbler is puzzled by all these asinine atheist antics. Why are they trying so hard to carve out a niche in American society? Are they bucking for "we’re tired of being picked on" status now that the Rabid Moonbats have seize control of the Oval Office? Are atheists the next big thing in victimhood? Enquiring minds want to know.

More Messiah Barry Word Games

The Appeaser-In-Chief is so terrified that he’ll give Islamikazes a boo-boo, that he’s trying to formulate a war plan - Beltway Buttheads call it a ‘National Security Strategy’ - without identifying our enemy. When it comes to identifying our enemy’s motives, Messiah Barry and his minions hem, haw, then spout drivel which is the political equivalent of ‘these inexplicably crank individuals probably just need a hug’.

What you won’t hear from the Obama Regime is any link, however obscure, between Jihadikaze assholes and - TA DA - Islam. Why, if we - GASP - identified their real motivation, it might alienate that utterly MYTHICAL entity, the ‘moderate’ Islamikaze:

The question of how to frame the conflict against al-Qaida and other terrorists poses a knotty problem. The U.S. is trying to mend fences with Muslim communities while toughening its strikes against militant groups.

In the report, scheduled to be released this week, counterterrorism experts from the Washington Institute for Near East Policy argue that the U.S. could clearly articulate the threat from radical Islamic extremists "without denigrating the Islamic religion in any way."

President Barack Obama has argued that words matter, and administration officials have said that the use of inflammatory descriptions linking Islam to the terror threat feed the enemy's propaganda and may alienate moderate Muslims in the U.S.

In the report, which was obtained by The Associated Press, the analysts warn that U.S. diplomacy must sharpen the distinction between the Muslim faith and violent Islamist extremism, identify radicalizers within Islamic communities and empower voices that can contest the radical teachings. (News Max)

‘Empower voices that can contest the radical teachings’? Yeah, that’s gonna work. NOT. Is this any way to win a war against a determined enemy who is motivated by his flavor of supernaturalism? Not ‘no’, but ‘hell no’.

I know what you’re wondering. Who is this fool? What’s his damage? What’s he doing with that blow dryer?

As usual, I have the answers.

Who is this fool?

According to ABC News, he’s a big noise in atheist circles named Edwin Kagin.

What’s his damage?

Insufficient voltage on his shock treatments.

What’s he doing with that blow dryer?

Making a complete and utter ass of himself, by performing ‘de-baptisms’.

What in blue blazes is a ‘de-baptism’?

In theory, it’s a symbolic removal of the waters doused on unwary tykes during a baptism. In practice, it’s the latest plea for attention from evangelizing atheists.

How does a de-baptism work?

ABC New spewed these secular snippets:

Standing at a podium wearing a long brown monk’s robe, Kagin read with the oratorical skill of a preacher from a set of pages in his hand and invited participants to come forward to be de-baptized.

He recited a few mock-Latin syllables, to the audience’s amusement. An assistant produced a large hairdryer, labeled “Reason and Truth,” and handed it to Kagin. The man who’d elected himself to be de-baptized stood before him. Kagin turned on the hairdryer, blowing the hot air in his face in an attempt to symbolically dry up his baptismal waters.

“Come forward now and receive the spirit of hot air that taketh away the stigma and taketh away the remnants of the stain of baptismal water,” Kagin shouts.

Atheists poke fun at baptisms in this ceremony, saying they believe their waving around a hairdryer holds the same level of magical and spiritual powers as does the baptismal ceremony.

Kagin said that many people have undergone de-baptism. "Many have taken it as somewhat of a joke, but some have found it truly, if you will, a spiritually cleansing experience,” he said.

Kagin has said he doesn’t particularly care who he’s offending with his actions, and that he is acting completely within his rights. “You can mock anything you want because you have the right to,” he said. “Humor is humor and what types of humor are you going to outlaw?” he said.

What, if anything, does this self-defined ‘pagan’ think of this crap?

I don’t. His antics don’t offend me. His antics don’t interest me. His antics don’t amuse me. His antics do, however, bore me.

Ka-POW!
The reason the American Revolution was such a rousing success, at its inception, is the under-appreciated fact that the Founding Fathers put THE WHOLE BRITISH GOVERNMENT out of their misery, in one memorable, get the hell out, operation. Given the state of affairs inside the D.C. Beltway, I think we need to find some way to FIRE EVERY DAMN ONE OF THE RAT BASTARDS. We need to clean the place out, from top to bottom. We need to do it, now, before it's too late for this land conceived in liberty.

POTUS Punk, Czars, Senators, Congresspukes, bureaucrats, and cubicle cretins...they ALL need to go. No excuses. No exceptions. No pensions. Let the leeches work for a living, FOR A CHANGE.

I’m just sayin’.

Ka-POW!
According to the usual MSM suspects, Mel Gibson is undergoing some therapy to get his rage under control. I get that, and I wish him well. HOWEVER...I wonder if curing him is a nifty idea.

With the Appeaser-in-Chief handing our sworn enemies victory on a silver platter, we need something to put us back in the driver’s seat. That’s where Mel comes in handy.

Imagine how cooperative Mahmoud al-Gilligan, Hugo ‘Skipper’ Chavez, Kim Jong-il, and al Qaeda would get, after a few rage-a-holic phone calls from our newest WMD (Weapon of Mel Destruction, or, Watch out, Mel’s Deployed).

He can’t do any worse than that gutless, Dumbo-eared, wonder and the diplomatic pratfall we laughing call our Secretary of State.

I’m just sayin’.

Ka-POW!
Speaking of Mel, there’s another public service he could perform. What public service? If anyone can terrify Lilo - Lindsey Lohan - into permanent sobriety, it’s Mel. A few of Mel’s rage-a-holic meltdowns will accomplish, for FREE, what all those expensive rehab gigs never got done.

Now THAT would be a reality show worth watching. What could possibly go wrong?

I’m just sayin’.

Ka-POW!
I like Arizona, for a variety of reasons. I do, however, have a question that needs to be answered.

Arizona has a lot going for it. There’s Doctor Jon’s Heart Attack Grill, an eatery which gives Food Nazis, and other Korrectniks, heartburn. There’s Sheriff Joe Arpaio, a dude who refuses to back down. There’s Governor Jan Brewer who refuses to be bullied by THE ONE. Last, and far from least, Arizona produced the incomparable Senator Barry Goldwater, the real GOLD standard for conservatism.

How the hell can a state which produces men of conviction, like Sheriff Joe and Senator Barry Goldwater, continue to send a weasel like Juan McCain to the United States Senate?

You’ve seen the REAL DEAL, up close and personal, Arizona, so just say ‘no’ to Juan "The Weasel" McCain.

I’m just sayin’.

.WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY AND WHAT'S HIS DAMAGE?

I am a sovereign individual.

My life does not belong to the state. It does not belong to that amorphous collectivist illusion "society". It does not belong some supernatural entity. My life is mine and mine alone, not the state's, society's, or a deity's. I demand no more...I demand no less...than the freedom to take those actions and act upon those thoughts that further the primary purpose of life: life itself. I grant no more...I grant no less...than the same consideration to every other sovereign individual. My life and the essential properties thereof - my intellect, my thoughts, my character, my integrity - are mine an mine alone. Since I am the sole owner of my life, the blame or credit for its conduct is entirely mine, not the state's, society's or a deity's. For good or ill, the buck stops here, Sparky.

As sole owner, stockholder and director of my life, I started my tenure by determining that reality is objective: the universe exists independently and is not a figment of my imagination. Objective reality is not a malleable, undefined, chaos that is subject to the whim and whimsy of a capricious supernatural entity. Objective reality is not determined by the unrequited needs of society. Objective reality is not enslaved, altered or changed by the insatiable demands of the Nanny State. Because objective reality is constrained by certain immutable scientific tenets, each and every object in this objective reality possesses - must possess - certain immutable properties which can be observed, measured and, ultimately, understood. A is A, so get over it, Sparky.

Reason, not revelation, chronic societal need or government decree, is the means by which I comprehend objective reality...the means by which I determine those actions required to sustain, conduct and/or improve my life.. Reason, not commandments from on high is the means by which I conduct my own life. Reason, not plaintive wails for the unearned fruits of my labor and/or intellect determines how I conduct my life. Unless coerced by the Nanny State's monopoly on the use of force, reason, not politically motivated hyperbole, determines how, when and why I conduct my life. Reason - not the Nanny State, society, or some deity - determines how, when and why I expend the fruits of my labors and/or intellect. It's my life, my call, so back the hell off, Sparky.

Whereas reality is objective and reason directs my life - my choices, my thoughts, my actions - the Nanny State, society and supernatural entities must butt the hell out, because I don't need their interference in my life. I will not, voluntarily, be enslaved by the Nanny State, "society" or a deity. I will not, voluntarily, surrender the fruits of my labor...I will not, voluntarily, surrender the fruits of my intellect to any individual or entity that hasn't earned them. Conversely, I will not demand, accept, or steal the unearned fruits of another individual's labor and/or intellect. When I require the services, the knowledge, and/or the skills of another sovereign individual, I will negotiate a voluntary, mutually beneficial, bargain to secure their cooperation. I will not exert force, or attempt to coerce a sovereign individual into surrendering his rightful property - real and/or intellectual.

My life and the products thereof are not commodities that must be manipulated, micro-managed, sacrificed to or redistributed by the Nanny State. My life and the products thereof are not public resources that must be plundered to placate any other individual's chronic need. My life is not a toy to be played with, twisted, and/or controlled by some perverse, supernatural entity. I will never, willingly, surrender reason's essential role in directing my own life to the state, society, or a disembodied supernatural entity. My life belongs to me, so if you plan to claim dominion over it, pack a lunch, because you're in for one hell of a fight, Sparky.

I am a sovereign individual.

Getting Down and Dirty with the REAL Hambo

Hambo claims to be a lot of things, the most believable of which is: noted freelance philosopher. He goes on to claim that International Society of Proper-Hyphenation (he made this group up) has, on three separate occasions, given him an award, in recognition of his ground-breaking efforts on behalf of diversity and social justice. He also claims to be an author, which isn’t as big a whopper as you’d expect. We’ve read his mini tome on Management Principles: Sirrom’s Theorem, but we don’t believe his bilge about writing a detailed history of the once prolific, nomadic WASP tribesmen who still can be found in such trackless American wilderness areas as: Grosse Pointe, Aspen, and Laguna Nigel. We can state, that when it comes to himself, Hambo has his way with the truth. On most other things, he’s alarmingly honest and truthful.

He’s a devotee of Orthodox Paganism, but is quick to point out that ‘regrettably’ it's not Classic Orthodox Paganism, which, as everyone knows, requires a sacrificial virgin. Tragically, in his mind, at least, modern society frowns on human sacrifice. Hambo decries this desecration of his beloved Paganism as ‘malignant Christian altruism and rampant God Squad sentimentality’. When pressed on this human sacrifice issue, he reluctantly concedes that the shocking decrease in the virgin population - an alarming decline so severe that virgins have been placed on the endangered species list - might have doomed this aspect of Orthodox Paganism, in any case. That said, Hambo quickly recovers with his patented ‘virtual virgin’ concept. He insists that his version of Paganism will accept a virtual virgin: a girl who vows that she only did it once and swears she didn’t enjoy it. Purists have denounced his resourcefulness, calling it Reformed Orthodox Paganism, a term which he has declared ‘cool’.

Hambo’s bogus business card lists ‘Commentary’ - his allegedly clever way of saying that he's very opinionated, on virtually any topic. His card further lists ‘Political’, his way of admitting that many of his endless opinions are subversive, hostile and generally antagonistic to anything and everything political. The third category on his card, ‘Satire’, is his dubious claim that, occasionally, parts of his endless outpouring of angry verbiage is funny, to a certain kind of reader. We’re alarmed to report that others have bought into this ‘humor’ claim and give him unwanted encouragement, when he goes off on one of his tangents. Okay, we admit it. He makes us laugh, too.

The most insidious thing about Hambo is his ability to bury his insanity beneath a cloak of convincing normality. If you met him on this street, while he's hiding behind this ‘just another forgettable dude’ disguise, you’d never realize the dangerous intellect which is analyzing your every word/action, plotting a way to vilify you in one of his infamous tirades. Doesn’t God Squad scripture warn of wolves in sheep’s clothing? Trust me, they had Hambo in mind when they wrote it.

In short, Hambo is dangerously disturbed...what a mental health professional would term ‘non-clinically bonkers’. Nothing, nobody, is safe from this self described freelance philosopher, so watch yourself. With Hambo on the loose, it's very scary out there.