"Giving Money And Power To Government Is Like Giving Whiskey And Car Keys To Teenage Boys"
— P.J. O'Rourke
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Happy April 15th, PIGsters. We both know what day this is, don't we? It's the most painful day of the year for hardworking, taxpaying citizens, outside of Christmas, or a day at Disneyland. It's that time, time to bend over, grab your ankles and pay up.

Yep, break out the checkbook and put the pen, or crayon, in your hand, quit shaking and sweating, and volunteer to write a check to help support the Tax And Spend Rampant Runaway Nanny State. And by writing that check, and rushing to the nearest Post Office at 11:50 PM, April 14th - in the rain - of course, to meet the filing deadline, do you know you are aiding and abetting Congressional corruption and pork barrel spending, and sponsoring the ongoing smothering of your rights and liberties? Also, by writing that check, you are funding a Congress that on one hand says, "We support our troops", while being the two-faced scum they are, vote to cut off funding for our military. If you voluntarily pay for it, you have no place to complain. Just follow the herd to the slaughterhouse.

Now, if you paid too much into the system via payroll withholdings during the course of the year, you're lucky to get a few crumbs back in the form of a refund. How generous. Now before offering up your first born, or your left nut for payment, take a tip from my late brother, an All - Star on the Tax Dodgers Elite Team. When you get the required form(s) to fill out, and you know you owe, start at the bottom line, and simply enter "zero". From there, you best get very creative with deductions to justify not paying a dime into the bottomless pit. No matter what you try, they're going to steal you blind and piss it away.

The Nanny State does its level best to convince you that the money you earn is, by rights, THEIRS. That's why they used terms like 'resource" or "revenue" when they discuss the money they extort from each and every damn one of us. It's not a resource. It's our goddamn money and they're pissing it away on some infuriating crap.

Don't get us wrong, we don't mind paying for necessities, such as roads, streetlights, fixing potholes, libraries, cops, firemen, military and other legitimate, Constitutionally correct, Nanny State expenses. BUT, there's the other 99% of the crap where they piss away our hard earned greenbacks.

Let's take a look at some of the tax related outrages that bring us thisclose to organizing another American Revolution:

Your extorted money funds the lavish lifestyles of those Elected Tormentors who pass laws to infringe YOUR liberty, but, find a way to exempt themselves.

Your extorted money builds and staffs most of the Marxist-infested Ivory Towers that wouldn't admit you on a bet, because you don't have the proper racial pedigree.

Your extorted money pays those Nanny State bureaucrats who micro-manage that innovative new adventure in capitalism that you worked so damn hard to make a success.

Your extorted money pays some Nanny State rat bastard for permission (a license) before you're allowed to cut someone's hair, give them a tattoo, or sell them a sandwich.

Your extorted money pays the Nanny State to dictate what you're allowed to hear on the boom box or watch on the boob tube.

Your extorted money pays the salary of an Elected Tormentor scumbag whom you arenÍt allowed to criticize within 30 days of an election Your extorted money pays for the medical care and schooling of chronically needy, disease-ridden, crime-infested border jumping scumbags who don't goddamn belong here in the first place.

As much as we hate those Nanny State assaults on our wallet, there are two especially vile aspects of the Nanny State extortion system (uh, tax policy) that really piss us off. In addition to stealing our money and squandering it on a boatload of infuriating, asinine crap, there's the real function of the American Extortion System: social engineering and behavior modification. The Nanny State coerces you into what it considers 'proper' behavior by taxing things that you like, but they don't, via 'sin' taxes on adult beverages and tobacco products. The Nanny State coerces you into purchasing a 'socially acceptable' ride by heaping taxes on that Hummer you love and giving tax credits on some clown mobile that uses crab grass for fuel. Using the American Extortion System, the Nanny State manipulates us in countless intolerable ways and it majorly pisses us off.

The second, equally pernicious element of the American Extortion System is through blatant, utterly un-goddamn-American wealth redistribution. American achievers who got where they are on the economic food chain through their own ingenuity and hard work are rewarded by socialist, Elected Tormentor rat bastards with stratospheric taxes, the most loathsome of which is the Death Tax. American parasites are rewarded for being such utter an complete losers though a gem called 'the earned income tax credit' which, invariably, pays them back A LOT MORE than the government took in the first place. They can call this largess whatever thrills them spitless but we dare to call a spade a spade: it's WELFARE that's laundered through the IRS.

Ever hear of the Boston Tea Party? The American Revolution? No Taxation Without Representation? It's about time Americans push, no, SHOVE Tax reform, revolt, and maybe abolition right up their stinky, skanky asses, sans lubricants, right now.

What if we all said, "I'm mad as hell, and won't pay anymore?" The elected officials would be like deer caught in the headlights. After all, without you - actually, your money - they would most likely be flipping burgers, dealing dope, selling used cars, or worse yet, practicing law. They need us to fund the Great Government Tit more than we need them.

We're not tax experts, just dudes that can't justify paying for and subsidizing needless crap, programs and laws doled out by blow dried elected congressional punk weasel rat bastards, whose only goal in life is to separate you from your money. Don't take our word, ask Nancy Pelosi, Hillary & Co. aka, Dewey, Cheatem & Howe. They're the 21st century version of the James Gang, the Dalton Brothers or Bonnie and Clyde, but thereÍs a big difference. The James Gang, Dalton Brothers, Bonnie and Clyde, et al, freely admitted that they were thieves, crooks and scoundrels. It would be refreshing if once, just once, some Elected Tormentor bastard admitted, "I'm stealing you blind, go pound sand."

Well, we're off to work. Gotta support and subsidize the illegal Chico Taco's and family of 200, my elected officials, overzealous, gung-ho cops, school lunch programs, food stamps, section 8 housing, illegal amnesty crap and other Gimme Gimme bottom feeder types.

Don't get us wrong. We love our country, but despise our ever growing behemoth of a government. Rest In Peace, Thomas Jefferson. We're living the nightmare you predicted, but we have to keep that Big Wheel turning, ever so Goddamn slow. One taxable dollar at a time. Right, suckers?

We could go on and on and on, but you get the big picture. Moving right along, the Free State of PIG thinks it’s time to accept the bitter reality that we’re not going to stop this annual raid on our wallet in the foreseeable future. Given that dose of objective reality, we decided to go with the flow. Our money is destined to be spread around on things we don’t want, don’t need, and wouldn’t fund if we had a choice. With that in mind, we decided to propose some items that might make this annual rump reaming by the IRS a tad less painful.

THE ZAPPER: The usual suspects are always whining that American citizens need to play a more active role in their government. The zapper will have every American ready willing and eager to do his, her, hisher or its part.

The moment they’re elected, each Elected Tormentor will have a nuclear powered device patterned after the venerable cattle prod implanted in them. Every American citizen will be issued a control that can trigger this device. Whenever the mood strikes them, the citizen can shock a given elected tormentor. Citizens will have unlimited use when it comes to their designated Elected Tormentors (their two Senators, their Congresspunk). In addition, each month, they will be given 90 minutes worth of full power zapping that can target any member of congress. If they want an active, involved, citizenry, this will do it.

Congressional Pay Raises: These should be more entertaining for us, and more stressful for them. We think it should be like Deal or No Deal - we’ll even pay Howie Mandell to host it. The primary difference is that most of the cases will contain pay CUTS. Just imagine the many hours of entertainment - we’ll need a cable channel devoted to it 24/7. Best of all, after a political punk plays -and loses - pay raise roulette a couple times, he could end up paying US for serving his nation.

Government Offices/Emergency Rooms: PIG proposes an English Only Express Line for any government office or emergency room. If you speak English and are a citizen or legal resident, you get to go to a special express line that gets you in, out, and on your way, in no time. Anyone who didn't bother to learn English stays on the crowded side of the room, packed like sardines waiting their number to be called.

Personal Services: A 12-Pack In Every Icebox and Pizza on Every Table! This one ranks as top priority with the PIG Staff. Hambo & Porcus would have an ice cold 12 pack delivered fresh from the brewery every morning to each and every doorstep across America, along with the morning fishwrap. Every evening, a fresh from the oven pizza with the works on every table. Vegetarian pizza doesn't count.

We could play this PIG's Perks game for days, but we need to go float a loan to buy a cup of hot coffee. On April 16th paying for coffee is our idea of high finance.

We can't make this annual butt reaming by the IRS less painful, but we did our best to make it tolerable with our feeble attempt at snarky, glass half full, alleged humor. By the way, do YOU have any spare change we can borrow? We're good for it, honest injun.