This dose of PIGish prose reached critical mass when I realized that Easter Sunday is on April Fools Day, this year. That double whammy has massive snarky Pagan scribbler prose potential, but a true believer hit piece isn't what I have in mind. Trust me, there's more than enough 'snark' for everybody.
For Libs, and assorted others, April Fool class credulity-stretching epics aren't restricted to April 1st. Every day, we wade through contentions that would be discounted, if they occurred on April 1st.
Here's an unforgettable example:
In a discussion regarding a planned military buildup on the Pacific island, [Jackass Party Congressman Hank Johnson D-GA] expressed some concerns about the plans to Adm. Robert Willard, head of the U.S. Pacific fleet.
"My fear is that the whole island will become so overly populated that it will tip over and capsize," Johnson said. Willard paused and replied, "We don't anticipate that."
April Fool? Nope.
Here's an oldie but goodie:
A three-centimeter (1.2″)-long copper-jacketed lead-core 6.5×52mm Mannlicher–Carcano rifle bullet fired from the sixth floor of the Texas School Book Depository passed through President Kennedy's neck and Governor Connally's chest and wrist and embedded itself in the Governor's thigh. If so, this bullet traversed 15 layers of clothing, 7 layers of skin, and approximately 15 inches of tissue, struck a necktie knot, removed 4 inches of rib, and shattered a radius bone. The bullet was found on a gurney in the corridor at the Parkland Memorial Hospital, in Dallas, after the assassination. The Warren Commission found that this gurney was the one that had borne Governor Connally.
April Fool? Nope. It's the Warren Commission's magic bullet theory.
Before I venture further down that road, I'll serve up a few golden April Fool episodes:
Here are some top April Fools Day hoaxes of all time per the Museum of Hoaxes.
The Swiss Spaghetti Harvest
Spaghetti Harvest. In 1957 the respected BBC news show Panorama announced that thanks to a very mild winter and the virtual elimination of the dreaded spaghetti weevil, Swiss farmers were enjoying a bumper spaghetti crop. It accompanied this announcement with footage of Swiss peasants pulling strands of spaghetti down from trees. Huge numbers of viewers were taken in. Many called the BBC wanting to know how they could grow their own spaghetti tree. To this the BBC diplomatically replied that they should "place a sprig of spaghetti in a tin of tomato sauce and hope for the best."
Sidd Finch. In its April 1985 edition, Sports Illustrated published a story about a new rookie pitcher who planned to play for the Mets. His name was Sidd Finch, and he could reportedly throw a baseball at 168 mph with pinpoint accuracy. This was 65 mph faster than the previous record. Surprisingly, Sidd Finch had never even played the game before. Instead, he had mastered the "art of the pitch" in a Tibetan monastery under the guidance of the "great poet-saint Lama Milaraspa." Mets fans celebrated their teams' amazing luck at having found such a gifted player, and Sports Illustrated was flooded with requests for more information. But in reality this legendary player only existed in the imagination of the author of the article, George Plimpton.
The Taco Liberty Bell
Taco Liberty Bell. In 1996 the Taco Bell Corporation announced that it had bought the Liberty Bell and was renaming it the Taco Liberty Bell. Hundreds of outraged citizens called the National Historic Park in Philadelphia where the bell was housed to express their anger. Their nerves were only calmed when Taco Bell revealed, a few hours later, that it was all a practical joke. The best line of the day came when White House press secretary Mike McCurry was asked about the sale. Thinking on his feet, he responded that the Lincoln Memorial had also been sold. It would now be known as the Ford Lincoln Mercury Memorial.
Alabama Changes the Value of Pi
The April 1998 issue of the New Mexicans for Science and Reason newsletter contained an article claiming that the Alabama state legislature had voted to change the value of the mathematical constant pi from 3.14159 to the 'Biblical value' of 3.0. Before long the article had made its way onto the internet, and then it rapidly made its way around the world, forwarded by people in their email. It only became apparent how far the article had spread when the Alabama legislature began receiving hundreds of calls from people protesting the legislation. The original article, which was intended as a parody of legislative attempts to circumscribe the teaching of evolution, was written by a physicist named Mark Boslough.
The Left-Handed Whopper
In 1998 Burger King published a full page advertisement in USA Today announcing the introduction of a new item to their menu: a "Left-Handed Whopper" specially designed for the 32 million left-handed Americans. According to the advertisement, the new whopper included the same ingredients as the original Whopper (lettuce, tomato, hamburger patty, etc.), but all the condiments were rotated 180 degrees for the benefit of their left-handed customers. The following day Burger King issued a follow-up release revealing that although the Left-Handed Whopper was a hoax, thousands of customers had gone into restaurants to request the new sandwich. Simultaneously, according to the press release, "many others requested their own 'right handed' version."
Planetary Alignment Decreases Gravity
In 1976 the British astronomer Patrick Moore announced on BBC Radio 2 that at 9:47 AM a once-in-a-lifetime astronomical event was going to occur that listeners could experience in their very own homes. The planet Pluto would pass behind Jupiter, temporarily causing a gravitational alignment that would counteract and lessen the Earth's own gravity. Moore told his listeners that if they jumped in the air at the exact moment that this planetary alignment occurred, they would experience a strange floating sensation. When 9:47 AM arrived, BBC2 began to receive hundreds of phone calls from listeners claiming to have felt the sensation. One woman even reported that she and her eleven friends had risen from their chairs and floated around the room.
April Fool? Oh Hell yes!
Now that you've seen the real thing, here are more wanna bes:
In whatever preceded space-time [the universe], there was this microscopic thing the lab coated hooligans call a 'singularity'. Where was it? Nowhere and everywhere. As fun as that sounds, it gets better. This singularity blew up then started expanding - 13.8 billion years so far - creating the cosmos as we know it.
April Fool? Nope, it's the Big Bang Theory.
Room temperature denizens of the promised land left their 'homes for eternity' and took a tour of the city when a certain dude achieved room temperature. Fair enough. For the sake of our discussion, we'll pretend that Uncle Charlie and Aunt Blabby pay a surprise visit on their family, a century or more after their transition to room temperature.
If we accept this whopper as true, I have a question or two about the after death adventures of Uncle Charlie. What happens to them afterwards? You can bet the tombstone that they won't be returning to their final resting places without a fight. Are they still hanging out in the promised land, looking sorry, reeking like you won't believe and causing chaos everywhere they go?
April Fool? Nope. It's in one of the gospel's Easter Story.
[Mbatt] Middle-Aged Paul Wolscht Identifies as a 6-Year-Old Girl
If Bruce Jenner is a woman, Elizabeth Warren and Ward Churchill are Indians, Rachel Dolezal and Shaun King are black, and Jeb! Bush is Hispanic, then Paul Wolscht is not only female, he is 6 years old:
In an interview with the gay news site The Daily Xtra, Stefonknee (formerly Paul) Wolscht details his struggles with being a male-to-female transgender person.
The Daily Xtra video, however, glosses over a tiny bit of important information about Wolscht: he thinks he is actually a six year-old girl—not just a woman, but a six year-old girl—stuck in the body of a 50-something man.
At age 46, Wolscht deserted his wife and his seven children to live his "true" life.
Wolscht is all set up in the depraved, self-indulgent fantasy he has devoted his existence to wallowing in.
He explains, "Well, I have a mummy and a daddy. [An] adopted mummy and daddy who are totally comfortable with me being a little girl. And their children, and their grandchildren, are totally supportive. In fact, her youngest granddaughter… When I was eight. A year ago, I was eight, and she was seven. And she said to me, 'I want you to be the little sister, so I'll be nine.' I said, 'Well, I don't mind going to six.' So I've been six ever since."
The government retroactively alters weirdos' birth certificates to help foster their delusion that they can be a different gender than what they actually are. It is only right that Wolscht be issued a new driver's license indicating that he was born in 2009. Next year they will have to issue another one, since then he will have been born in 2010.
Insanity is the new national pastime.
April Fool? Nope.
A reality show star is now POTUS.
April Fool? Nope. His name is Donald Trump and he's doing a great job.
* Thirdhand Smoke: This is the new 'threat' hyped by the Smoke Nazis. 'Thirdhand Smoke' refers to minute smoke particles which land on carpets, clothes, etc. These minute particles are, these lab coated hooligans insist, especially hazardous to the health of THE CHILDREN.
* Secondhand Television: A USA Today news story defined this steaming load this way:
A growing number of researchers are warning about the dangers of watching TV when very young children are nearby. Recent findings suggest that even casual exposure to TV can harm their development and undermine parent-child interactions.
The most recent warning came last week when the American Academy of Pediatrics for the first time included warnings about "secondhand television" in its guidelines for kids under age 2.
In addition to discouraging screen time for young kids, it warned against watching TV with them nearby, saying the practice hurts their language development. It pointed to several studies, including one from 2008 that found background TV reduced the length of time they played and caused their focus on play to stray.
Secondhand TELEVISION? Seriously? What's next? Secondhand Transfats? Will they say, just seeing food with transfats in it will make Little Johnny and Moonbeam lard up?
April Fool? Nope. Junk Science? Yup.
When you purchase a firearm you must have a valid ID and undergo a background check. Libs are all for that, but call requiring that voters produce a valid ID racist.
April Fool? Nope. It's 21st century leftism.
April Fools Day is easy, if you can read a calendar and remember to engage your inner skeptic. We see this one coming. It's the everyday stuff that can give you fits. Truth, in too many cases, is stranger than fiction.