It’s that silly season again when lazy "alleged" journalists around the globe start taking the easy way out when facing a looming deadline by running and end of the year awards list up the flagpole. Is PIG going to stoop that low to meet our Top Story Deadline on a holiday weekend? You better damn believe it, Sparky.

Why would you expect us to pass up a chance to salute the good guys and administer some PIGish bitch-slaps on the richly deserving. We scoured our own archives, solicited suggestions from you our devoted PIGsters, sampled the lunacy that passes for journalism in the 21st century, then searched low and lower for those qualified to be honored or pummeled by one of PIG's Golden Oinks of the Year.

PIG's Golden Oinks Selection Committee singles out the following individuals and/or groups for special PIG attention for their amazing, amusing, and or inspiring antics during 2007.

Spirit of America Award: This year, we’re pleased to salute Joey Vento, a City of Brotherly Love capitalist who incurred Korrectnik wrath when he posted a sign outside his ‘Geno’s Steaks’ eatery that boldly states: "This is America. When ordering, speak English."

Neighbor of the Year: We’re compelled to salute Joe Horn, that Mexas 911 caller who spotted two scumbags breaking into his neighbor’s house. After calling the cops, who were less than helpful, he loaded up both barrels of Old Betsy, went outside, then took care of business by exercising his Second Amendment rights on two border jumping scumbag burglars.

Heroine of the Year: A seven year old girl, Alexis Groggins, is credited with saving her mother’s life when this courageous little girl was shot 6 times by mom’s enraged ex-boyfriend, an ex-con named Calvin Tilly. At the last minute, Alexis jumped over the seat, begged Calvin not to shoot, then took 6 bullet hits intended for her mother.

Islamikaze Defying Heroine of the Year: Fearless and undaunted by the death threats spewed by outraged Jihadikazes, Ayaan Hirsi Ali continues to expose the dark, liberty-nuking, underbelly of the ‘Religion of Peace’.

Politically Incorrect Nosh of the Year: Louisville, Colorado’s Blue Parrot Restaurant aced this one with their legendary, infamously-incorrect, ‘Wop Burger’. We have it on good authority that this PIG-worthy meal has an award-worthy taste, as well.

Capitalist of the Year: Jon Basso the genius behind the Tempe Arizona's legendary Heart Attack Grill is our first repeat winner. His stellar eatery continues to spit in the eye of caterwauling womyn and transfat phobic twerps, the best reasons we know for honoring him, again.

Voice of Reason Award: For the past couple weeks, comedian Bill Cosby has been making the rounds promoting a new book that’s no laughing matter, “Come on, People – on the path from victims to victors”. His message, one that he has been discussing for the last few years, is quite simple: the first line of defense against the problems that beset the ‘black community’ resides in individuals working together. He thinks that parents, friends, and relatives need to get involved, early and often, to give the aspiring gang banger a different, road to follow. That road involves, among other things, getting an education. It means making the most of those educational opportunities, and squeezing the last drop of useful information out of what are, in many cases, very crappy schools.

PIG's Pet of The Year: After defending his master, Congo, a German Shepherd, was 'rewarded' with a guest suite on Doggie Death Row. That's no way to thank a canine hero.

Lawman of the Year: Maricopa County (AZ) Sheriff Joe Arpaio, who continues to lead the fight to clean out the border jumping scumbag infestations in his jurisdiction, eked out a narrow victory this year over a newcomer to our Awards zone. Larimer County Sheriff Jim Alderden made it a horse race, the moment he slapped down the Fort Collins (Colorado) Grinch task force, when they tried to ban traditional Christmas Decorations.

Standup Guys of the Year: This goes to Jay Leno and the other boob tube talk show hosts who are paying the salaries of the members of their show's staff while the writers are on strike.

Granny of the Year: Porcus happened to have his local news station on and it was one of those "Man on the scene" interviews, outside a SoCal Target store, and casually asking incoming patrons why they were there, outside of bargain hunting.

Up comes an elderly woman with an armful of unopened gifts, intended for her grandchildren and she told interviewer dude, "My grandchildren are such spoiled brats, and they told me they wished I were dead, I told the brats, OK, no Christmas from Grandma, I'm returning your gifts!"

PIG says we need more Granny's like her. Way to go Granny!

Public Bitch-Slapping of the Year: Spain’s King Juan Carlos wrapped this one up when he snapped after taking as much of Hugo "Skipper" Chavez’s bloviating as he could. The King earned a rousing ovation during an Ibero-American summit when, he aimed an accusing finger at Skipper Chavez and shouted this finalist for putdown of the year, "Why don’t you just shut up?"

Quote of the Year: The burning question was posed at a John McCain campaign appearance in South Carolina: "How are we going to beat the bitch?"

Entertainment/Sports/Media

Rehab Princess of the Year: Lindsey Lohan, who got all the sex, drugs 'n rock and roll she could handle while she was in rehab, owns this one. Anyone can go to rehab and score drugs, but only Lilo has the moxie to turn rehab into a dating service.

Most Compelling Performance by a Drunken Has-Been in a Home Video: David "The Hoff" Hasselhoff wins this one for his amazing burger eating exploits while he was sprawled on the floor.

Don’t Let The Door Smack Your Butt, Bitch, Award: The entire PIGdom shed copious crocodile tears when ‘The View’ gave Rosie her walking papers. We look forward to shedding more crocodile tears when Whoopi gets the same ‘yer outta here’ treatment in 2008.

SAY IT AIN'T SO!

R.I.P. Meaty, Beaty, Big and Bouncy eye candy.

Downsizing Of The Year: Bra-busting Brit booty babe, Jordon, trims her sails, breaks our hearts, and bums us out, when she has her sweater Saint Bernards deflated.

Porcus' Punk Of The Year: Yes, I'm still pissed about Jordan getting a breast reduction, and when I asked Hambo who paid for the procedure, he informed me it was none other that her husband. Punk? Pussy? Check and double check! What a waste of the finest in Brit Mammory. Dude, for having her 'pillows' reduced to less than a handful, for desecrating a national treasure, you suck!

Celebrity Jailbitch of the Year: Nicole Richey was disqualified, because 45 minutes in the slammer doesn't really count as a graybar guest stint. Her partner in reality show terror, Skank Hilton, aced this one when she refused to eat. Modest little wench that she is, Skank was afraid some jailer would take a picture of her on the toilet doing her business and post the images in cyberspace.

Apology Tour of the Year: We considered giving this one to Porcus, because his highly combustible bride will be thrilled spitless by the way he slobbers over Sharon Tay, but decided against it. Out in the real world, there are two prime contenders, this year. Dog The Bounty Hunter made it interesting in the waning weeks of 2007, but our winner, Don Imus, pulled away at the wire, when he started out his new radio show with another pathetic apology for his "nappy headed ho" sins.

Fashion Flop of the Year: Twatney Spears continues to 'try, try, again', in her zeal to put her mark on wench fashion. Her first attempt, going 'commando' and baring those naked nads was greeted by complaints that Skank Hilton had already scrawled her name on that tactic. Undaunted, Twatney kicked it up a notch, by shaving her head and adopting a convincingly-crazed, 'there's nobody home in here' stare. Poor Twatney was doomed to bitter disappointment when wenches around the world rejected Spears' "bald + bonkers = bitchin'" trend.

Mother of the Year: Lynn Spears edged out the woman who looked like a slam dunk - Lindsey Lohan's mom, Dina - at the wire, when Lynn's 16 year old pop tart daughter, Jamie Lynn, announced that she's urped.

Best Courtroom Outburst: Skank Hilton wins this one in a landslide when she caterwauls "mommy" while she's being dragged off to the local graybar hotel.

PIG’s Not On My Dime Skank Slapdown of the Year: Skank Hilton’s grandfather, Barron Hilton, expressed his profound disapproval of his granddaughter in a way that hits Skank and parents where it hurts. Unwilling to reward the Skank, he announced that he will leave the lion’s share of his $2.5 billion fortune to charity. Skank and the rest of the Hiltons will be left to squabble over a - comparatively speaking - paltry $69 million.

Yum-Yum!

Sharon Tay: Newsbabe Deluxe. Move over, Mrs. Porcus, if you miss curfew, Sharon will put me to bed.

Comeback of the Year: City of Angels PIGsters are celebrating the return of Porcus' favorite drool fuel - Sharon "YUM-YUM" Tay - to L.A.'s local News Nitwit lineup.

"It's Not Cheating If You Don't Get Caught" Award: We had a tough one with this. Either Bill Belichek got nailed, red-handed, or Tom Brady is the second coming...in Beantown.

The PIG Has To Eat A Platter Of It's Own Poop Award: That would be us, especially, Porcus, in light of the HGH and steroid allegations leveld against major league baseball players. Barry Bonds, in our book, still eats shit. Ditto Mark McGwire, Sammy Sosa, Rafael Palmiero...

Jose Conseco, previously called a snitch, here in the PIGdom, was actually right.

Baseball Sidenote: Barry Bonds and his posse. Why? Even though he (or them) has not been convicted or found guilty, we all know they are.

Don’t Let The Door Smack Your Butt, Bitch, Award: The entire PIGdom shed copious crocodile tears when ‘The View’ gave Rosie her walking papers. We look forward to shedding more crocodile tears when Whoopi gets the same ‘yer outta here’ treatment in 2008.

Politics

Whopper of the Year: Messiah Al Gore ran away with this one, early in the year, but the U.S. Intelligence dweebs made a bold bid late in the year when their National Intelligence Estimate spewed a whopperthon about Iran giving up its nuke program in 2003.

Belief System of the Year: Thanks to the scientific illiteracy of a gullible public, Global Warming has matriculated from a steaming junk science load into the foremost brand of supernaturalism on the planet. Energized by Messiah Al's hypnotic trance inducing droning, Gore's Global Warming disciples rival Mecca Maniacs when it comes to mindless, lunatic fringe, devotion.

Rat Bastard of the Year: U.S. Attorney Johnny "Hatchetman" Sutton aced this one, after he dealt from the bottom of a stacked deck and condemned former border agents Ramos and Compean to more than 10 years, each, in solitary confinement at a federal prison.

Race Card Wrangling Hustler of the Year: There's a new king atop the race hustler heap and his name is Al Sharpton. Al left the vaunted Je$$e eating his dust, when Sharpton made Don Imus and Dog the Bounty Hunter his personal bitches, after they had highly publicized "racist" meltdowns.

Stalker of the Year: City of Angels Mayor, Tony Villar, owns this one, thanks to his dauntless pursuit of news crews. The instant a news crew sets up, anywhere in the city, Tony arrives wagging his tail like a mutt begging for treats from the dinner table.

Eunuch of the Year: Mexifornia’s action-hero governor, a pseudo ‘man’ who could be our Girlieman of the Week 52 weeks a year, won this by a landslide. Arnold has been dancing to Maria’s tune and acting like her Speedo wearing uncle Teddy, from the moment she impounded his Terminator nads and locked them away.

Presidential Candidate of the Year: How could we ignore Dennis Kucinich’s innovative contribution to America’s endless Oval Office derby? In addition to providing badly needed comic relief in an otherwise dreary process, he energized the Art Bell’s Tin Foil Hat voters with his gripping tale of a close encounter with a UFO.

Excuse of the Year: This one goes to Larry Craig who sold Idaho chad punchers on a lame-ass excuse - "When I'm sitting in a public toilet stall, I have a very wide stance". Larry got bonus points for his equally unconvincing "I'm not gay" tantrum.

Tree Hugger Brainfart of the Year: They nagged Elected Tormentors into outlawing incandescent bulbs, which give Mother Earth a boo-boo, and replaced Edison's invention with mercury-containing CFLs, which present a SERIOUS bio-hazard if broken.

Madeline Albright Award: Given to the clueless pinhead who made the most grotesque spectacle of themselves kissing a Commie Dictator's butt, this goes to Sean Penn for his over-the-top smooching of Hugo Chavez's bloated buns. Danny "America Hating Brother" Glover ran a very close second. Condi Rice's obeisance to the axis of evil at the end of the year made her a serious contender, but she started her heroic run too late to close the gap.

Outsourcing Horror of the Year: U.S. airlines win this, by outsourcing their airplane maintenance to that bastion of quality control, CHINA. That's right, China. Keep that tidbit in mind, the next time you climb into that big silver bird.

Magic, Mahmoud al-Gilligan Moment of the Year: Even the mind-numbed lefties at Columbia University smelled the stench when Hugo's Little Buddy spewed this steaming load during his on campus address: "In Iran, we don't have homosexuals like in your country."

Punking of the Year: Rush Limbaugh humiliated Dingy Harry Reid masterfully, when the Senate Majority Leader sent a letter on official stationary to Rush's boss trying to get Rush fired. Stowing the letter in a Halliburton briefcase, Rush sold Reid's letter on eBay for a whopping $2.1 million dollars, all of which goes to charity.

Positively PIGish Awards

Field of Dreams Award: Embodying the line "If you build it, they will come", Linda Katz fell into a very unlikely business endeavor. Her story begins in 1994 when she decided to teach herself web design. A denizen of Kansas, Linda decided to dedicate the site to the one constant feature of her prairie home, tumbleweeds. As a joke, she created a faux business site for Prairie Tumbleweed Farm. Her products came in three varieties: small for $15, medium for $20, and large for $25. It was, she concluded, a lovely joke.

The funniest thing about her lovely joke is that some Internet surfers took her seriously. Nobody was more shocked than Linda when she got that first e-mail wanting to buy a tumbleweed. Okay, there’s bound to be one, or two, tumbleweed bonkers wingnuts out there, but no way could somebody make money selling them, or could they?

The last time we checked, Linda was pulling in at least $40,000 a year for her tumbleweeds, selling them to a variety of customers including NASA, Hollywood (for the movie "Neverland") and the kids show "Barney".

Politically Incorrect Promotion of the Year: The Lowell (Massachusetts) Spinners won this one by a landslide with their outrageously inventive ‘Political Correctness Night’ which included the following goodies:

* Any player committing an error won't be identified, so his feelings won't be hurt.

* Gender neutral terms like 'first baseperson' will be used, 'bat person' replaces 'bat boy', 'vertically challenged stop' replaces the egregiously demeaning 'short stop'.

* Base numbering is out so all bases will be treated equally, instead of being ranked numerically.

* Instead of one fan being selected as Fan of the Game, every fan gets to be Fan of the Game.

* Trophies will be rophies will be handed out to each participant in between-innings promotions because there are no losers and everyone is a winner.

PIG is doubling up this award by naming the Lowell Spinners our Sports Team of the Year.

PIG’s Product of the Year: Frank Morales took the garden variety popsicle, kicked it up several notches, then made a bid for PIGish glory by offering the beer-sicle in his Rustico Restaurant (Alexandria, Virginia) for a mere $4 each.

Human Gene Pool Improvement Volunteer of the Year: Matt Wilkinson obliterated the rest of a very strong field, when he got drunk, trotted out a member of his snake collection - an eastern diamondback rattlesnake - then shoved the snake's head into his mouth. He lived, barely, because when it comes to those fools Old Ka-Boom loves, nobody is a bigger fool than Matt.

Missing Person of the Year: If you guessed Atlantic City (New Jersey) Mayor Bob Levy who disappeared for several weeks in late September, give yourself a cookie. Caught red-handed lying about elements of his military career, Bob got out of Dodge, hoping that the crisis would go away. When it didn’t, he returned to resign, spouting drivel about ‘health problems’.

Tourist Attraction of the Year: The answer to your question is "yes". What looks like a giant wang is, in fact, a 30 foot tall giant wang. It’s called the "Sky Pillar" and it’s the featured attraction at Longwan Shaman Amusement Park in Changchun City. The perpetrators built a steel structure on an altar atop a 1,250 foot high Chinese speed bump named Qinlong Hill then wrapped it in straw.

I know what you’re thinking and shame on you for having such a dirty mind. This attraction has a deeply symbolic meaning in what passes for Chinese culture:

‘..."It is a totem of Shamanistic culture, which originated in this city," says the president of the park, Cheng Weiguang. Legend says a Shaman hero named Ewenki vanquished a cruel female ruler and gave her a penis totem, telling her to respect males and not kill them at will. After this, the ruler set a penis totem on top of the hill, reports East Asia Economic and Trade News. Shi Lixue, director of the China Folk Culture Association, backed the project, saying: "It symbolizes our ancestors' pursuit of happiness and prosperity."...’ (Ananova)

This gem is utterly Chinese, PIGsters, so don’t hold your breath waiting to see a similar erection featured at Disney World in Orlando, Flori-DUH. If you want to see a 30 foot wang you’ll need to book reservations to China. Life is so sucky that way.

Korrectnik Brainfart of the Year: By a 7 to 2 vote, the Portland School Committee (Maine) voted to allow the health wranglers at King Middle School to dispense birth control pills to the school’s 11 to 13 year old wenchlet inmates. Do the parents have anything to say about it, under this asinine scheme? Yes, but there’s a catch.

In order for Moonbeam to get her birth control pills from the King Middle School’s health center, she would need her parent’s permission. Permission for sex? Nope. She needs her parents permission to be treated at the school’s health center. Once the parents sign on to that notion, anything that the health center does with Moonbeam - including birth control pills - is covered by doctor-patient confidentiality. Also, if two students decide to get it on, the school is not obligated to tell the horny brats’ parents.

This Korrectnik zeal to get Moonbeam laid appears to be motivated by Korrectnik angst over certain middle school inmates whose situations aren’t the same as everybody else’s:

"It’s about very few kids, but they are kids who don’t have the same opportunities and access as other students." (Amanda Rowe, lead nurse in Portland’s health centers as quoted by the Portland Press Herald).

The same opportunities and access to what? A hormone gorilla who is ready, willing and eager? When the hell did they become an endangered species? What a steaming load of crap.

Internet Speed Bump of the Year: Do we dare? Are we that full of ourselves...are we that full of it? The answer to all these questions is HELL YES, Sparky. We are so full of ourselves, and it, that we dare to name PIG as the Internet Speed Bump of the Year.

Last, but far from least, our esteemed publisher, Porcus, gave this award to himself..

The "Go Figure, I Spent Four Years At A World Renowned Art School To Create 'Steaming Loads' Graphics For PIG Award: Yes PIG-tarians, your beloved publisher, P.K. Crowley, aka Porcus, attended a world famous, way left, bleeding heart art school, only to end up making his Mom proud by creating graphics of turds on silver platters for Steaming Loads, Hambo's Hammer and the Girlie-Man sections, among others, of PIG. I have to admit, the 'Steaming Loads' graphic is close to the pinnacle of my artistic endeavors, and one of my personal favorites...considering the context of who/what it was designed for. The upside is that I took the initiative in creating, designing and building PIG, AND discovering Hambo & Staff's combined, unique hidden talents. Eat your heart out, Al Gore!

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Perpetrated by: Hambo