FROM HARASSMENT CRITERIA
you fit the following, consider yourself and/or your company
fair game for the NO-NAD shrills: Mega Rock Star; TV/Movie Star;
GQ Model or GQ Wannabe; Ski Instructor; Tennis Pro; Most Professional
Athletes; Mailman; and last but not least, the Pool Boy
harassment in the 21st Century involves a three-pronged assault
on unwary males: Suggestive
looks; Sexual remarks and Suggestive Gestures. Each empowers hypersensitive
wenches to detect the 'hidden meaning' behind otherwise harmless
facial expressions, remarks and gestures perpetrated by the rogue
male. Rendered virtually telepathic, these future victims deploy
an impressive harassment radar that is nearly impossible to evade.
No matter what you intended to communicate, the wench knows what
she knows and nobody dares to question her.
Amerika pulls its collectivist head out of its ass, the most we
can do for besieged males is give them a heads-up on each sexual
harassment's three-headed monster.
Action: Any facial expression or eye movement, real or imagined,
of which a woman disapproves.
Criminal Theory: Given the dangerously subjective nature of
this crime, any personal contact with a female is incredibly dangerous.
Once the light impulses received by her eyes are filtered through
her emotionally supercharged sensitivities, any facial expression
can be interpreted as overtly sexual. A blank or hostile expression
might save a man's job, if he's lucky.
Measures: Experts in this field advocate the 'Star Trek' defense,
known in bygone eras as the classic 'blank look' or 'poker face'.
If it helps, think of Spock or Commander Data, depending on which
generation of Trekkie you are. Another school of thought advocates
glares, scowls and grimaces which can be blamed on your computer,
the phone system, some kind of car problem. Both are risky, but
forced to choose, I'd go for Spock over hostility. The only bullet
proof tactic is to not to look at the woman, for any reason.
Action: Anything you say, and I mean anything, that she interprets,
perceives, as 'sexually motivated'.
Criminal Theory: Citing 'tone of voice' and/or 'voice inflection'
an egregiously hypersensitive, delusional woman can turn a simple
'hello' into 'I want to hump your brains out.'
only sure fire defense is silence. If you must respond, do so in
writing but choose your words carefully. Never, and I mean never
initiate any type of communication with a female. Whenever possible,
answer in writing - preferably via a computer so she can't cite
handwriting analysis as proof of your true intentions.
Action: Any movement you make that she interprets or perceives
as 'sexually motivated'.
Criminal Theory: Any movement you make - especially rhythmic
movements - can, and will, be interpreted as 'overtly sexual'. In
a NO-NAD's diseased mind, rhythmic movements always mean the same
thing: you're mentally defiling her. Shame on you, you sick bastard.
Got a nervous tick that makes you drum your fingers or rap your
pen on the desk? Get over it, or the next action you'll be taking
related to your desk will be cleaning it out for the last time.
Measures: Direct contact - within sight of each other at any
distance - is an intolerable risk, one to be avoided at all costs.
The seated position, at a table or behind a desk, allows you to
safeguard the most dangerous half of your body. The rest of you,
the part she can see, is at great risk, but keeping perfectly still,
reduces the risk, somewhat.
situations that put you within eyesight of each other, at any distance.
If interaction is essential, conduct your business by phone, or
use a computer link. When you must be in the same room, or within
visual contact, stay seated, and don't move a muscle. Limit your
breathing to a minimum because it can be cited as 'proof' of sexual
thoughts, and/or excitement.