PIG NEWS DIGEST | BEYOND AMERIKA | INTERNATIONAL IDIOCY

"Jesus Saves" Holy ‘Hate’ Speech, Batman!
Source: Radio Netherlands Worldwide [09/03/10]

A man who is proud to call the Cross Dude his savior, a Dutch farmer named Christian Joop van Ooijen, isn’t willing to compromise his principles. He demonstrates his devotion to his savior, by refusing to buckle under to demands from the Giessenlanden local council, which is fining him 500 euros a week for the sign atop his barn: "Jesus Saves".

Christian has been going toe to toe with the local council, for two years, and this evangelical Christian isn’t about to quit. Quite the contrary, he’s ready, willing, and eager to take the fight to the European Court. If/when he gets that day in court, Christian won’t be alone, because his fight for his right to publically proclaim his faith has garnered support from Christians of all persuasions.

The Free State of PIG salutes Christian Joop van Ooijen for his steadfast refusal to sacrifice his convictions.

Stupidity Pays?
Source: Girlieman of the Week [09/03/10]

Evan Kelly’s gut check happened, after this Irishman traveled halfway around the world to spend quality time Down Under, at Fraser Island’s Lake Wabby, in 2007. During his vacation, Evan amused himself by, REPEATEDLY, running down a sand dune. Why? Because he could, so there.

Eventually, the fickle fates got bored with Evan’s antics, so they hit him with their best shot, the next time he ran down the sand dune. Thanks to the fates - and other perpetrators whom we’ll name, shortly - Evan lost his footing and did a header into Lake Wabby. As a result of his tumble, Evan returned home with a ‘severe spinal injury’.

Fast forward to the present, and Even is spreading his special brand of joy, Down Under. Instead of being a man about his injury...instead of accepting, quite rightly, full responsibility for his own actions, Evan rounded up a shyster, then conducted a search for someone to blame. Eventually, he found what he wanted, prompting him to take a month long leave of absence, so he could, officially, affix the blame for HIS STUPIDITY, on someone else:

He claims the Environmental Protection Agency, despite being aware of the dangers associated with tourists running down the dune, failed to properly warn of the risks or take precautions to minimise them.

He also claims Pippies Beach House, a backpacker hostel at Rainbow Beach, and Safari 4WD Hire, despite being aware of the danger, encouraged tourists to visit the lake, run down the dunes and swim in the lake without advising of the risks or warning of the lake's variable depth. (Courier Mail)

If Evan wants to find the real guilty party, he needs to confront that dumb bastard in the mirror. He needs to grow a pair and accept the incontrovertible fact that he did this to himself. He’s the one who didn’t fully, personally, assess the risk. He’s the one who shattered his life, and his spine, by acting like a moron. Finally, he’s the one who doesn’t have the manhood to accept full responsibility for his actions. Blaming others - and trying to bleed them white because he acted like a fool - is a gutless thing to do. The only payoff he deserves is a swift kick in the ass.

Life’s A Real Blast
Source: Golden Oinks [09/03/10]

Since the Daily Mail decided to protect this fool’s identity, we’ll play along, by calling him ‘HoneyDo’.

This utterly PIGish adventure began, when our hero’s domestic bliss hit a creepy crawly ‘EEK, there’s an icky spider in the bathroom’ speed bump. Was HoneyDo up to the challenge? I’ll let you be the judge.

HoneyDo started off in grand style, when he armed himself with an aerosol can of insecticide. Armed and dangerous, HoneyDo doused the area behind the toilet, where the spider was lurking. After unleashing a generous quantity of ‘kiss your ass goodbye, spider pest’ spray, HoneyDo paused to determine if his antics were effective. That’s when this award winning epic reached critical mass.

At this point, we need to bring you up to speed on the essentials. The bathroom is small. With nowhere to go, the bug spray saturated the air in the room. Finally, and most important of all, the bathroom light wasn’t working. Needing to assess the damage that he inflicted on that spider, HoneyDo decided to put some light on the subject. How? He got out his cigarette lighter, then flicked his BIC, setting off an explosion so powerful that it knocked HoneyDo on his ass and blew the door to the loft off its hinges.

At press time, the fate of the spider is undetermined. HoneyDo’s fate is, you’ll be thrilled to learn, a matter of public record: flash burns to his head, legs, and torso. Nice work, pyro punk.

Castro Is Off His Meds
Source: PIG News Wire [08/27/10]

I don’t know what Fidel Castro is smoking, but he’s certainly ingesting some kind of mind-altering substance. It’s either that, or, at the ripe old age of 84, this commie scumbag has developed a sense of humor in his old age. Whatever the case, I know what We the PIGs are going to get Fidel for Christmas: a year’s supply of Reynolds Wrap, so he’ll never run out of tinfoil headgear.

This week’s magic moonbat moment involves Fidel’s WikiLeaks fueled outburst, as reported in Cuba’s Communist Party fishwrap. Among other things, the article included an amazing Castro outburst, in which, Fidel ‘accused the George W. Bush administration of hiring bin Laden to act as a kind of phantom bogeyman to scare the American people into going along with Bush's policies’.

"Any time Bush would stir up fear and make a big speech, bin Laden would appear threatening people with a story about what he was going to do. Bush never lacked for bin Laden's support. He was a subordinate." (AOL News)

This just in! Fidel has the world’s largest collection of tinfoil hats. Film at 11!

Former Editor of Indonesia’s Playboy Hits the Tolerance Lotto
Source: PIG News Wire [08/27/10]

Those Titans of Tolerance, Indonesian Islamikazes, just painted a Jihadikaze bull’s-eye on Edwin Armada, a dude who is guilty of a level two tolerance infraction. A level two tolerance infraction? Yup, and if you were a regular reader of Hambo’s Hammer, you’d know this one.

Level two intolerance occurs when a - GASP - sovereign individual has the audacity to perpetrate something that the Islamikazes don’t want to see, or hear. In this instance, Edwin’s intolerance involved perpetrating a tame - by rational adult standards - version of ‘Playboy’ which did NOT include any nudity. Despite that, Edwin ran afoul of the Indonesian justice system, which is thisclose to nailing him for ‘indecency’.

At press time, Edwin’s fate was in the hands of Indonesia’s Supreme Court, which will decided if the two year graybar stint handed down by a lower court, is going to stand. If you think that the Titans of Tolerance are going to sit back and let justice take its course, get over it.

The head of the hard-line Islamic Defenders Front says he has ordered his members to find Erwin Arnada, the former editor of the Indonesian edition of Playboy magazine. “This is an instruction,” said Habib Rizieq, chairman of the militant group, known as the FPI. “Members of the FPI, as well as the public, must arrest Erwin if they see him on the street.” (Jakarta Globe)

‘Arrest’ him? Arrest? Yeah, right. We’ve all seen how Islamikaze Titans of Tolerance treat rogue sovereign individuals who dare to exercise their liberty and it’s not for the faint hearted. You’re a dead man, Edwin, and that’s too bad, because you don’t deserve what they plan to do to you.

No Good Deed Goes Unpunished
Source: Daily Mail [08/24/10]

A concerned Brit citizen, 48-year-old Kevin Coombes, tried to do something about the crime, vandalism, and graffiti that was ravaging the South Ockendon, Essex (J.O.E.) where he lives. Determined to restore order, he obtained some Neighborhood Watch stickers, and deployed them in strategic locations in, and around, the flats.

A few days after he deployed his stickers, he was shocked to find that someone had taken them down. Undaunted, he deployed more of the Neighborhood Watch stickers, hoping they would stay put. After they disappeared for a second time, he found out that they were removed by minions of the local council. Why? According to the Einsteins on the Thurrock Council, Kevin’s polythene stickers were - TA DA - a health & safety hazard. Somebody, they insisted, might use them as fuel to start a fire.

Gobsmacked, as the Brits like to say, Kevin went to the local fire station for a ‘professional’ opinion. The rational adults at the firehouse probably wondered what the local council is smoking, when they assured Kevin that the small Neighborhood Watch stickers were NOT a fire hazard.

When Kevin ‘enlightened’ the local council with this professional wisdom, they retreated to their backup position: we have a wild hair up our butt that makes us frown on stickers and notices in the communal areas. We’re not willing to make an exception for your Neighborhood Watch stickers, no matter how worthwhile they are.

There might have been a change in government at the national level, in J.O.E., but on the local council level, the Elected Tormentors still have their heads inextricably lodged in their butts.

PIGish International Antics
Source: PIG News Wire [08/20/10]

Arresting Behavior Down Under
As excuses go, this one is, quite literally, ‘out of this world’. Why? It pins the blame for lead-footed driving on the ghost of a 20-year-old motorcyclist who died on a notorious stretch of road 3 years ago. That's so much fun, that I’m willing to call this one a contender for ‘excuse of the year’, based on the new item’s headline alone: "Motorists Speeding To Conjure Ghost Of Dead Motorcyclist". Big, big fun.

Eager, young, thrill-seeking Aussies head for the haunted highway - a road north of New Castle, New South Wales - then floor it, hoping that the ghostly rider will reward them with a personal appearance. Does it work? You be the judge:

Police in Port Stephens, 160 km (99 miles) north east of Sydney, have issued a warning to drivers after it emerged that young people were reaching the eye-watering speeds on Lemon Tree Passage Road to conjure up the spirit of a 20-year-old motorcyclist killed there three years ago.

A handful of videos have been posted on YouTube, supposedly showing a ghostly bright light appearing in the rear windscreen of cars that start driving at high speeds.

The source of the light is unclear -- but some locals are convinced it is that of the motorcyclist's ghost, in pursuit of people who drive dangerously. (Fox DC)

I have a hot flash for these Aussie ghost hunters. If they’re hitting speeds in excess of 100 mph on ANY road, and some bright light ‘appears’ in your rear view mirror, it’s not necessarily a room temperature motorcyclist. It’s probably the cops, painting a justice system bull’s-eye on your adventure-seeking ass.

Jail Bait Bobby Trap
As plans go, the one hatched by a pair of French wenchlets, proved to be crude, but effective. Armed only with what Mother Nature gave them, the two 14-year-old tarts lurked near a Parisian ATM machine, waiting for a suitable ‘client’ to arrive.

When a dude showed up to withdraw cash from the ATM machine, the girls made their move. Initially, they tried to distract him, by shoving a newspaper under his nose. When that failed, one of the wenchlets went for the gold, by flashing her nubile sweater puppies, then grabbing the man’s crotch. With their ‘client’ suitably distracted, the other wenchlet grabbed $300 euros ($385).

A few days later, needing another money infusion, they tried it again - on a woman this time - and made off with 500 euros. That, alas, was their last hurrah, since the humor-challenged cops put an end to their ‘flash and grab’ antics, by bagging, tagging, and dragging the wenchlets to French graybar.

How does ‘girls will be girls’ translate into Surrender Monkey?

Multitasking In J.O.E.
After serving one year and eleven months of a sentence for burglary in a Brit graybar, Rashpal Singh caught a break. Living up to their name, the innkeepers at Moorland Open Prison in Doncaster, opened the doors for Rashpal, on a daily basis, as part of a work release program. No harm, no foul? I’ll let you make that call, after you get ‘the rest of the story’.

In theory - a fantasy cherished by the graybar innkeepers - Rashpal was venturing forth, six days a week, to work for minimum wage in a local tire shop. In practice - proving that he is NOT a ‘dumb’ criminal - Rashpal was raking in big bucks from the brothel he ran out of his home in Rotherham (J.O.E.).

Rashpal’s multitasking was derailed, after the cops responded to a tip about our hero and caught him with £2,000 (Appx. $3,000 in dead presidents), plus a stash of weed. That’s a very ‘healthy’ wad of money for a minium wage tire wrangler.

The good news is that Rashpal is going to finally get a well-earned rest. The bad news is that he’ll be getting that well earned rest in his graybar suite, after an utterly unamused judge added two years to Rashpal’s original, six-year, sentence.

What A Waste!
Source: Yahoo News [08/13/10]

After being trapped beneath the Antarctic ice for more than a century, a case of Mckinlay’s Scotch whisky, was, after a long, painstaking process, liberated from its icy grave. It’s a rare blend, whose secret formula has been lost, making it a one of a kind tipple. But, and this hurts me more than you’ll know, this rare adult beverage will never fulfill its prime function. That’s right, PIGsters. After going to all the trouble finding it, then digging it up, THEY have decided - you might need to sit down - NOT TO DRINK IT. What a waste!

If they won’t drink it, what are they going to do with it? What indeed:

Though the crate was frozen solid when it was retrieved earlier this year, the whisky inside could be heard sloshing around in the bottles. Antarctica's minus 22 Fahrenheit (-30 Celsius) temperature was not enough to freeze the liquor, dating from 1896 or 1897 and described as being in remarkably good condition.

This Scotch is unlikely ever to be tasted, but master blenders will examine samples of it to see if they can replicate the brew. The original recipe for the Scotch no longer exists.

Once samples have been extracted and sent to Scottish distiller Whyte and Mackay, which took over Mackinlay's distillery many years ago, the 11 bottles will be returned to their home — under the floorboards of Shackleton's hut at Cape Royds on Ross Island, near Antarctica's McMurdo Sound.

I don’t know about you, but just thinking about this tragic tale makes me crave a generous adult beverage infusion.

Another Busybody Sighting
Source News.com.au [08/12/10]

While lurking on the beach at Anzio (Italy, DUH), a free ranging busybody’s ‘offend-o-meter’ pegged, when she encountered an attractive, 26-year old topless sunbather. Apparently, the sight of the woman rubbing lotion on her ample cans had a "troubling" impact on the busybody’s sons - ages 12 and 14. Naked hooters, it seems, make a vivid impression on lads that age...I’m obligated to admit that they make a vivid impression on a lad my age, too, but I digress.

Outraged, the busybody confronted the sunbather:

The mother said she had asked the 26-year-old woman, identified only as Luisa under Italian privacy laws, to cover herself up. But the woman, still topless, refused and an argument broke out and police were called.

“A patrol was stopped by a mother of two sons who was angry at a topless sunbather and the way she was applying suntan cream,” a police spokesman said. “The patrol went and took her details and she argued, still topless, that she could so no harm in what she was doing as it was a public beach. We have opened a file on committing an obscene act as we are committed to following the complaint. From what I heard she was very attractive,” the spokesman said.

The complaint has triggered a debate in Italy about topless bathing, with the Luisa’s lawyer calling the incident “absurd”. “She is amazed that she is being condemned for simply sunbathing topless,” lawyer Gianluca Arrighi said. “Let's be clear my client is tall, brunette and has an ample breast and is therefore going to naturally be sensuous when she applies cream to her chest..." (News.com.au)

I’m inclined to agree with the sunbather’s shyster, who opines that the case will probably be dropped. I get that, but I am compelled to ask for a chance to study the ‘body of evidence’ for myself.

Another Small Step Toward A Jihadikaze World?
Source: AOL News [08/11/10]

Due to an inferiority complex the size of the Andromeda Galaxy, the Islamikazes, in general, and the Sand Box stoneheads, in particular, are feeling underappreciated. I’d love to feel their pain, but I left my ‘poor babies’ in my other pants.

The Islamikazes’ latest bid for attention involves the building of the world’s biggest clock, in the Sand Box ‘holy’ city of Mecca. If all goes as planned, they will evict the Brits as the time standard, by replacing Greenwich Mean Time with - TA DA - Mecca Time. Bold new concept.

Based on this AOL prose, I’m guessing that the new Sand Box Sundial was designed by a dude who got ‘shortchanged’ in the nads department. Why? He obviously has ‘size’ issues, so he’s overcompensating:

The clock dwarfs London's Big Ben, with four huge faces each about 130 feet in diameter and inscribed with the Arabic words "God is greatest." Only one of the clock's faces has been completed so far, covered with 98 million pieces of glass mosaics. Details were first released by the Saudi official news agency and picked up by several foreign media.

It's still under construction atop a nearly 2,000-foot-tall building overlooking Mecca's Grand Mosque, the point where Muslims around the world turn toward during their five daily prayers. Millions of faithful visit the site as part of the Muslim hajj voyage and other pilgrimages each year.

Normally, this is the point where I’d go ‘Hambo’ over the fun fact that the world’s biggest timepiece is being built by supernaturalists whose clocks - and calendars - are stuck in the 7th century. I don’t need to go there, this time, because IMAO’s Frank J has already done it, in PIG-worthy style:

Saudi Arabia has made the world’s largest clock in Mecca. The only thing is we kinda stopped the largest clock competition about a hundred years ago and moved on to other things like space travel. If Saudi Arabia landed on Mars, that would be impressive, but as it stands making the world’s largest clock is a bit like making an impressive finger painting. We can pat Saudi Arabia on the head and tell them what a smart boy they are, but we’d just be patronizing them.

Apparently the Middle East was really advanced like a thousands years ago, but it doesn’t seem like they’ve really done much since then. Best they can do these days is ape Western culture using their oil money, but they don’t seem to contribute anything useful to the world. Then again, it seems like the West has slowed in advancing. What impressive thing have we done lately other than come up with better iPhones? We once went to the moon, but I’m not even sure we could do that again today because it would violate too many OSHA regulations. Maybe if we slow down enough, eventually the Middle East will catch up with us. They already have a really big clock.

Mecca Time? Why not? Since time never moves in the Sand Box, you’ll never need to reset your watch. It’s glass half full time in the PIGdom.

Meltdown In J.O.E.
Source: Daily Mail [08/10/10]

This ‘hello neighbor’ adventure started, when a pair of homeowners, Kay Balsdon and her partner, Chris Bates, decided to put some sweat equity into their Alderhot, Hants (J.O.E.) home. The object of their home improvement was a garden fence that needed a ‘lift’. They decided to kick it up a notch, by painting their fence Forest Green.

Determined to be good neighbors, the pair applied the paint with a brush, instead of a sprayer, to avoid splashing paint on the neighbor’s side. Despite their best efforts, a ‘few flecks’ of Forest Green were deployed on their neighbor’s side of the fence which is brown. No harm, no foul? You know better.

The neighbor went postal, then called the proper authorities who were ready, willing, and eager, to do her bidding:

The neighbour complained that the paint job - in a shade called 'Forest Green' - had ruined the finish on her side of the 6ft fence. A few days later PC Steve McCoy visited the couple's £220,000 new-build home in Aldershot, Hants. Although Mrs Baldson owns the house, it was her partner who was fined because he was the one who had painted the fence.

Mrs Balsdon said: 'When the police turned up at my door I thought it was a prank. I just couldn't believe it - I was expecting Jeremy Beadle to pop out at any moment.'

The petrol station cashier added: 'The fence was getting a bit dry and starting to warp so we thought we'd paint it green to match the rest of the fences in our garden. We were very careful and used a brush rather than a sprayer, but a little bit had got through the fence. The woman next door got very upset and started banging on the door and creating a scene. She called the police who said they were going to issue a fine, and warned us that if we didn't pay we would end up going to court and end up paying a lot of money. So we just paid,' she told the Sunday Telegraph.

Mr Bates a postman, said: 'I'm amazed that there was such a waste of police time over something so petty. When the police arrived I was speechless for 20 minutes. And when it had finally sunk in I felt angry that I was being punished for something so stupid. We were shocked that someone would complain to the police about something so minor. The person who made the complaint never spoke to use and we were unaware of any damage.' (Daily Mail)

I’m pleased to report that, after giving the matter some thought, the Hampshire Police finally saw the ‘that woman is NUTS’ light and promptly refunded the £80 (appx. $120 in dead presidents) fine.

Cutting Out The Middleman
Source: CBC News [08/06/10]

A Canadian thief hit the desperado ‘lotto’, when he broke into a Sarnia (Ontario) home and found a treasure trove of valuable loot. The problem he faced was twofold. First, he had to cart all of it - including expensive tools and woodworking equipment - away. Second, he would need to find some nifty way to sell it. After giving the problem some thought, he unleashed a bold scheme which is, in its own way, inspired.

Our desperado cut to the chase, after he opened up the garage of the house he broke into, deployed some of the stolen goods in the driveway, then perpetrated a - TA DA - garage sale. In so doing, he converted his stolen goods into ready cash, without all that problematic hauling it away for future sale. Bold new concept.

Police said the man sold approximately $40,000 worth of property as neighbours on the city street looked on.

"No one confronted this person, and he held this sale for several hours," said Staff Sgt. Doug Warn.

Police said the man sold the items, mostly expensive tools and woodworking equipment, for pennies on the dollar. "There were a lot of people who got really good deals out there," said Warn.

Some of those customers came forward to help officers identify the suspect. "We know that there are many other people out there who did purchase items at completely unrealistic low prices … there's no doubt in my mind that these people now know that that property is now stolen property," said Warn. (CBC News)

What kind of neighborhood is this? They watch a stranger sell their neighbor’s property and don’t do a damn thing to stop him? Holy crap.

You’ll be pleased to learn that, eventually, the brass nads packing perp was identified, then bagged, tagged, and dragged to a Canadian graybar hotel. If they don’t turn in the stolen property that they obtained at the ‘sale’, some of this desperado’s customers will be joining him in the slammer for receiving stolen goods.

Mahmoud al-Gilligan Get’s a Warm Welcome
Source: Reuters [08/04/10]

Iranian President, Mahmoud al-Gilligan, got some impressive feedback, when he paid a visit to the city of Hamadan, in western Iran. Eager to make his point, one of Mahmoud’s critic’s hurled a homemade bomb at Mamoud’s motorcade, as it headed for a local sports arena where this clown was going to give a speech.

The populist, hard-line Ahmadinejad has accumulated enemies in conservative and reformist circles in the Islamic Republic as well as abroad.

Al Arabiya television said an attacker had thrown a bomb at Ahmadinejad's convoy before being detained.

Dubai-based Al Arabiya television cited its own sources as saying the bomb had hit a car carrying journalists and presidential staff.

Ahmadinejad appeared on live Iranian television at a sports stadium in Hamadan. He was apparently well and made no mention of any assault.

During a speech to a conference of expatriate Iranians in Tehran on Monday, Ahmadinejad said he believed he was the target of an assassination plot by Israel. "The stupid Zionists have hired mercenaries to assassinate me," he said. (Reuters)

The Israelis did it? What the hell is this fool smoking? Mahmoud, dude, if the Israelis wanted you dead, you’d already be shoveling Satan shit, in hell. I’m just sayin’. Like it or not, this ‘feedback’ is coming from one of your own, Islamikaze, homeboys.

Ha, Ha, You Missed Me!
Source: AOL News [08/02/10]

This action-packed adventure started, when some Jihadikazes armed themselves with five Katyusha missiles then headed out into Egypt’s unoccupied Sinai desert looking for a suitable location to set them up. After they had their toys ready for deployment, the Jihadikazes got ready to ‘give’ them to the Israelis who live in Eilat. Game, set, match? Not exactly.

They aimed. They fired. They MISSED the entire city of Eilat. They HIT the Jordanian Red Sea port of Aqaba, killing a taxi driver:

Defense sources quoted by Israel Radio said that they believe militant group Islamic Jihad launched five Iranian-made Katyusha missiles from Egypt's uninhabited Sinai desert in the early hours of the morning. Most of the rockets missed their target, and harmlessly landed in the sea or on open ground. But one exploded on a busy Aqaba street, just outside the city's Intercontinental Hotel.

"We saw the wreckage of a taxi which was burned and fragmented metal scattered around the area that was cordoned off by police," Aqaba resident Abdullah Yashin Rawashdehd told Reuters. ABC News reported that a 51-year-old taxi driver was rushed to the hospital, but later died of his injuries. (AOL)

Are the Jihadikazes sorry they killed a taxi driver in a Jordanian city? Probably not. Are the Jordanians the least bit upset with these Jihadikazes? Probably not. Undoubtedly, that bastion of synaptic dysfunction, the ‘Arab street’, has found a way to blame it all on - TA DA - the Israelis.

Another Health & Safety Casualty?
Source: PIG News Wire [07/30/10]

While dining out with his friend, a Brit dude named John Kinder started gasping for breath. When the staff of the Brit eatery rushed to render assistance, their efforts where thwarted by John’s friend, Frank Honey, who was deemed very ‘aggressive’ about ‘protecting’ his friend.

As asinine as this sounds, it got much worse. How? When a paramedic arrived he, she, heshe, or it REFUSED TO RENDER ASSISTANCE because of Frank Honey’s asinine antics. Instead of performing the live-saving tasks that John Kinder needed, the paramedic spouted ‘health & safety’ regulations drivel, then waited for the police to arrive to deal with that blithering idiot, Frank Honey. The delay proved fatal to John Kinder, who died in a Manchester (J.O.E.) hospital from brain damage caused by oxygen deprivation.

The inquest heard how Mr Kinder and Mr Honey had both ordered steak and chips, with a bottle of wine, at the Villaggio Restaurant on Canal Street.

Minutes after they were served, manageress Lauren Littlechild heard a plate and glass smash and saw Mr Kinder fighting for breath.

She said: 'I thought he was having an asthma attack but he got worse and we called an ambulance.’

'I spoke to the paramedic and told him a man was struggling to breathe.’

'The paramedic said an aggressive man was in the restaurant. I told him the man was about 70 and that there was no threat.’

'But he insisted on waiting for the police. I just wanted him to get a bit closer and advise us what to do - but he still insisted on a police presence.'

Miss Littlechild said Mr Honey had made it difficult for staff to get to Mr Kinder.

'It was obvious he had had a lot to drink and was shoving us and waving his arms around,' she said.

When police officers arrived they escorted the paramedic into the restaurant.

Mr Kinder, of Charlesworth, Glossop, died five days later in Manchester Royal Infirmary from irreversible brain damage caused by oxygen starvation. (Daily Mail)

While kowtowing to the prevailing health & safety brainfart, a paramedic NEGLECTED John Kinder to death. John Kinder deserved better, and so do the other denizens of J.O.E. How many more John Kinders will it take before rational Brit adults get off their assess and bellow ENOUGH ALREADY.

Parting shot: In a rational world - in a properly PIGish world - somebody would have put that asshole Frank Honey out of everyone’s misery by punching the bastard’s lights out. I’m just sayin’.

Brewsie Wars
Source: Golden Oinks [07/30/10]

BrewDog’s Latest Stunt
When it comes to generating free publicity, nobody does it better than the Scottish adult beverage wranglers at Fraserburgh-based BrewDog. Just last week, they were featured in news items around their world, when they unleashed a 55% alcohol beer in bottles that came encased inside the skins of room temperature critters.

This week, BrewDog is back for another bite from the free publicity apple. Determined to draw attention to the opening night of its new bar, BrewDog uncapped a promotional gimmick that’s utterly PIG-worthy: free beer, for life, to anyone who gets a tattoo of the BrewDog logo.

A statement on the firm’s website said it was exploring, subject to Scottish licensing laws, the possibility of giving away one or two beers per week for life to anyone willing to get a tattoo at the opening of its Aberdeen pub. The firm accused the media of ‘sensationalising’ the story. The statement added: “We will make a further announcement on this in due course when we have found out what is legally possible here.” (STV)

BrewDog continues to rock our world.

We’re Number One
When it comes to heroic capitalists, it’s an all brewskie week, here in the FSOP. Running neck and neck with the Scottish brewers at BrewDog, the Dutch brewers at Koelschip (The Refrigerated Ship), are determined to upstage their Scottish rivals.

In fact, in one vital category - potency - the Dutch brewers just took the lead from BrewDog:

A Dutch brewer with a penchant for competition has laid claim to creating the world's strongest brew: a beer that is some 60 percent alcohol by volume.

"You don't drink it like beer, but like a cocktail -- in a nice whisky or cognac glass," brewer Jan Nijboer told Dutch news agency ANP.

Nijboer's Almere-based brewery, 't Koelschip (The Refrigerated Ship), sells the new beer, which is 120 proof and dubbed "Start the Future," in a one-third litre bottle for 35 euros $45 (28 pounds) each.

Nijboer told ANP he developed the new brew to keep up with Scottish outfits that were also pushing the boundaries of beer's alcohol content.

His previous record-holder, a beer called Oblix that was 90 proof (45 percent alcohol by volume), was eclipsed by a Scottish beer that reached 55 percent. (Reuters)

The FSOP eagerly awaits the next action-packed episode of Brewskie Wars.

Karma’s A Bitch
Source: News.com.au [07/23/10]

When they’re not busy processing human gene pool improvement applications, the fates amuse themselves with wickedly funny karmic debt collections, like this one.

This karma-laden adventure began, in Lubeck (Germany), when a married woman got horny and hormonal in the window of her first floor apartment. The woman insists that she and the man - he’s NOT her husband - were ‘just fooling around’, but the woman’s neighbors insist it was full tilt ‘wham, bam, thank you, ma’am’ sexual hijinks.

The tryst strayed into the karma zone, when the horny pair fell out of the window and landed with a THUD, five meters (about 16.4 feet) below. The fickle fates must have been slappably smug, when the horny lovers ended up in the same hospital where the woman’s husband was recovering from his own injury. That happened, when he fell from the roof of their abode a few days earlier.

Home Invasion Hits Speed Bump
Source: PIG News Wire [07/23/10]

When a former elite warrior in the Hungarian armed forces was faced with a home invader more half his age, a 56 year old dude identified only as ‘Rudi’ found out that he still had the right stuff to deal with his unwanted ‘guest’.

The invasion of Rudi’s Klemzig (Australia) home started with the sound of breaking glass, an unwelcome warning which spurred Rudi into action. He found the intruder, a 27 year old drunk as a skunk asshat, standing outside the bedroom door. Using his old, well honed, warrior moves, Rudi quickly grabbed the intruder by the throat, then threw him to the floor.

The confrontation took an unlikely turn when Rudi recognized the intruder. Feeling generous, Rudi cut the intruder some slack, allowing him to wash off the blood pouring from the cuts the punk incurred, when he broke through the glass front door. Rudi’s generosity was not repaid in kind, because, after the man cleaned himself, he abused Rudi’s hospitality:

"I told him not to make any more trouble, but after washing his face he targeted me again and tried to grab me," Rudi said. "So I pushed him off and he ran to the lounge."

"My wife was desperately phoning police for help and he grabbed her and they both fell down, so I grabbed him off her and held him down."

Despite the threat to his wife, Rudi said he remained calm and focused.

"He was throwing punches at me so I used a self-defence technique that I had learned in the army," he said.

"I put my elbow on the back of his neck and forced him down to the ground (face first). He had a lot of energy because of the adrenalin and tried to resist. He was kicking a bit but I managed to keep him down until the police arrived about eight minutes later. I was defending my house and defending my wife, and if the police didn't come I could have killed him." (News.com.au)

It’s probably just as well that the proper authorities arrived when they did to bag, tag, and drag the invader to a local graybar hotel. It’s the only thing that saved the fool from a richly deserved eviction from the human gene pool.

The FSOP salutes Rudi for his heroism. Thanks to his courage, neither he, nor his lovely bride were harmed during the invasion.

Is It A Jail, Or A Joke?
Source: AFP [07/21/10]

If you think that a prison is supposed to take meaningful measures to keep its ‘guests’ under lock and key, join the club. I harbor the same notion. In cutting edge move, the prison officials running a graybar hotel in Neuquen (Argentina) road tested the following security measures: broken security cameras, burned out television monitors and most impressive of all, guard towers that are ‘manned’ by mannequins. That’s right, mannequins.

How well does this scheme work? It works the way you’d expect it to work:

Two men convicted of armed robbery escaped from a prison in southeastern Argentina that was so understaffed it used mannequins to man its watchtowers, prison authorities admitted Wednesday.

"I admit we have a type of mannequin but in this sector there are cameras that enable us to observe all movements," said Daniel Verges, the director of prisons in Neuquen province.

The two inmates escaped on Saturday by climbing over a wall at Penal Unit No 11 in Neuquen.

The watchtower guarding the wall was manned by a makeshift doll nicknamed "Wilson," after the ball that kept a marooned Tom Hanks company in the movie Cast Away, prison officials said.

"We made a doll with a ball and a cap so that prisoners would see a shadow and think they were being guarded," the newspaper Rio Negro quoted a guard as saying. The guard said only two of the prison's 15 watchtowers have real guards. (AFP)

The breaking news here isn’t the fun fact that two prisoners escaped. The real story is that ONLY TWO prisoners took a hike. I’m just sayin’.

PIGish International News
Source: PIG News Wire [07/16/10]

Nigerian Cradle Robber
A Nigerian senator is doing a masterful job of eluding a ‘human trafficking’ charge, after he wedded a jailbait wenchlet.

In a statement Monday, the National Agency for Prohibition of Traffic in Persons and Other Related Matters said it had concluded its investigation against Senator Ahmad Sani Yerima.

The agency said Yerima may have violated the nation's child rights laws, though Nigeria's attorney general has to file that criminal case against him.

The 49-year-old senator allegedly married the 13-year-old Egyptian daughter of his driver earlier this year after paying a $100,000 (NZ$154,428) dowry.

Yerima's alleged marriage has sparked fierce controversy between Christians and Muslims in Nigeria, a nation of 150 million split almost in half by the two faiths. (Stuff.co.nz)

I don’t want to hear the usual claptrap about ‘their culture, their rules of engagement’, because it’s a load of self-serving bull crap. No 49 year dude has any business marrying a 13 year old girl. Pick on someone your own age, pervert.

Iranian ‘Justice’ Needs Work
Sakineh Mohammadi Ashtiani is a 43-year-old Iranian mother of two, whose life hit a speed bump after her husband died. Her first header into the Iranian justice system happened in May 2006, when she was sentenced to 99 lashes, for having an ‘illicit relationship’ with two men.

The bovine squeeze hit the rotating cooling device, after the proper authorities coerced a confession out of the woman, allowing them to convict her of adultry, an offense which earned her a death sentence. After she exhausted her appeals, the woman seemed doomed, and headed for an especially gruesome death by stoning.

Thanks to howls of protest, the so-called Iranian justice system is ‘reviewing’ the woman’s sentence. The good news is that they might take ‘death by stoning’ off the table. The bad news is that, in similar cases, the person who escaped being stoned to death was hanged instead. That’s what masquerades as ‘mercy’ in Mahmoud al-Gilligan’s circle of hell.

He Said WHAT!
Source: Hambo’s Hammer [07/07/10]

He’s the UAE’s ambassador to the United States, and, for one glorious moment, he got thrillingly real, as reported by the Washington Times:

In unusually blunt remarks, Ambassador Yousef al-Otaiba publicly endorsed the use of the military option for countering Iran's nuclear program, if sanctions fail to stop the country's quest for nuclear weapons.

"I think it's a cost-benefit analysis," Mr. al-Otaiba said. "I think despite the large amount of trade we do with Iran, which is close to $12 billion ... there will be consequences, there will be a backlash and there will be problems with people protesting and rioting and very unhappy that there is an outside force attacking a Muslim country; that is going to happen no matter what."

"If you are asking me, 'Am I willing to live with that versus living with a nuclear Iran?,' my answer is still the same: 'We cannot live with a nuclear Iran.' I am willing to absorb what takes place at the expense of the security of the U.A.E."

Mr. al-Otaiba made his comments in response to a question after a public interview session with the Atlantic magazine at the Aspen Ideas Festival here. They echo those of some Arab diplomats who have said similar things in private to their American counterparts but never this bluntly in public.

I have no doubt that he really said it, because Ambassador al-Otaiba’s superiors are already spreading the usual, ‘nothing to see here’ pixie dust:

DUBAI (AFP) - The United Arab Emirates dismissed as "inaccurate" on Wednesday statements attributed to its ambassador in Washington backing possible military action over Iran's nuclear programme.

"The statements attributed by the Washington Times to the UAE ambassador to the United States, Youssef Al Otaiba, are not precise," the official WAM news agency quoted deputy foreign minister Tareq Al Haidan as saying.

Comments quoted in the paper on Tuesday "came as part of general discussions held on the sidelines of an unofficial gathering" in which the ambassador was speaking, Haidan said.

They "were taken out of context".

He said it. He meant it. He’s right on the money. It might not be diplomatic, but it’s TRUE.

Ruskie Gets Panned
Source: Tasty Tidbits [07/07/10]

I’m compelled to advise you to take this one with a grain of salt. It sounds like the kind of news story hoax that is SOP for the Ruskies. Given that, why did I include it? I did it for several reasons: it made me laugh; it proves that there’s no age limit on ‘Cougar’; it proves that there’s no age limit on jealously.

Here are the ‘facts’ as reported in the Ashbury Park Press:

An elderly Russian woman may face charges for beating up her much younger husband after he showed interest in a neighbor woman.

Damn, hard to resist those Russian chippies.

The Moscow Times reports that the 98-year-old wife beat her 78-year-old common-law husband with a pan in a fit of jealousy over his supposed interest in their neighbor.

The woman’s husband struck back by hitting his wife with a rolling pin, injuring her hand. It was unclear if he was injured.

The age of the neighbor who aroused the husband and wife’s anger was not given.

Russian wives motto: Pan just as effective as vodka bottle.

The wifely review of her flirtatious hubby are in and he got PANNED.

Would You Stand For It?
Source: PIG News Wire [07/01/10]

It sounds like a scene from the movie classic ‘Airplane’, which shows ‘budget passengers’ being expelled down the chute, onto the baggage carousel in a big city airport, but it’s too, too, real. Boldly going where even Abrams, Abrams, and Zucker wouldn’t go, even for a laugh, Ryanair CEO Michael O’Leary just announced his plan for 10 rows of standing room on his airliners.

Instead of those cramped seats, bargain basement fliers would be strapped into vertical ‘seats’ which would have a belt that goes over their shoulder to lash them in place. What the hell did you expect for a low, low $6.07 ‘seat’ on a flight?

If you think standing during a flight is the worst that can happen to you on Ryanair, prepare to be thrilled. As fun as standing room only sounds, Ryanair has something much more exhilarating in mind. They want to eliminate some of the toilets, then charge passengers to use the few that are still up and running. Standing room only? Pay before you go toilets? No thanks, I think I’ll have a root canal without any pain killer. At least I can do THAT sitting down.

Pinned In J.O.E.
Source: PIG News Wire [07/01/10]

It was all going as planned, when a Brit robber broke into an unattended home. After looking around, Lee Christie latched onto a laptop and was in the process of fleeing the scene of the crime, when his caper hit a 280 pound speed bump. Just when everything seemed spiffy, Adam Kalinowski, the trained wrestler/factory worker who owned the home that Lee was robbing caught him in the act.

Was Adam up to the challenge? You be the judge:

Mr Kalinowski said: 'I came home and saw the door was broken. I saw the man, and I mean this guy was big, but I didn't know what he was doing there or what was in his bag. He could have had a knife.

'Maybe it was the adrenalin, but I wasn't scared because this is my house, my castle, as they say in England.'

'He looked at me and said; 'Oh, s**t!' and pushed me against the wall so I gave him a kick in the stomach and that slowed him down.'

'I know how to wrestle and I like fighting sports, so I got him in a Nelson headlock.’

'He was trying to get up, so I had to punch him in the head. My neighbour called the police and I held him until they came.’

'He was crying and saying "Leave me alone" but he was lucky I didn't kill him because of the way I felt at the time.'

'He was stealing my son's laptop ...I am not a rich man; we are in bad times, there is a recession. People in this country have to stick to together and look out for each other.' (Daily Mail)

Nice take down, Adam. No doubt, Lee will have ample time to contemplate the errors of his ways, while he cools his heels in a Brit graybar for the next two years.

EU Sets ‘Head Up Their Ass’ World record
Source: PIG News Wire [07/01/10]

From our ‘because they can’ news desk, we bring you the latest lunacy pooped out by the European Parliament. From their headquarters in the Twilight Zone, the EU asshats decreed that the Brits will no longer be exempt from an insane EU edict which bans capitalists from selling goods by number.

This means that a consumer, who wants to fetch a half dozen eggs, is SOL, because, henceforth, those 6 eggs will be listed by weight, i.e., 373 grams of eggs. If a consumer wants a half dozen rolls from the bakery, they won’t find them. Instead they will find a pack of rolls that weighs 322 grams.

Why is the EU deploying this Byzantine packaging concept? Because they can, of course, but the EU asshats spout this drivel: "It is important that information is provided in a way that is meaningful and beneficial to consumers."

We’re pleased to report that the new leaders of J.O.E. aren’t ready to knuckle under.

Britain’s Food Standards Agency said it was opposed to the move, putting the UK on a potential collision course with Brussels. It could be the first test of David Cameron’s pre-Election promise to stand up for Britain’s interests in the EU. (Fox Nation)

I won’t put words in Prime Minister Cameron’s mouth, but I’m willing to bet that his retort is the Brit equivalent of ‘what they hell are they smoking’.

A New Twist On An Old Story
Source: News Max [06/25/10]

I know it sounds familiar, but this is not a repeat from the 1930s. For our purposes ‘this’ is an attack on a Jewish dance troop, which was targeted by stone-throwing ‘youths’ during their performance at a Hannover (Germany) street festival. I know what you’re thinking, but these stone throwing scumbags are NOT neo-Nazis.

This time, the stone throwing scumbags are the new assholes on the Fatherland block, Islamikaze punks, who are determined to spread their special brand of joy, in Germany:

Arab youths threw stones at a Jewish dance group during a street festival in Hannover, injuring one dancer and forcing the group to cancel its performance, German police and dance officials said this week

The teenagers also used a megaphone to shout anti-Semitic slurs during the attack Saturday, Hannover police spokesman Thorsten Schiewe said.

"I don't remember such a dramatic attack in Germany in recent times," said Michael Fuerst, the head of the Jewish community of the state of Lower Saxony.

Six suspects have been identified — five Arabic immigrants and one German — and police are looking for the other three, police said. The six range from nine to 19 years old and have been questioned by police. (News Max)

Predictably, after their homeboys showed their true colors, the Islamikazes at the Central Council of Muslims in Germany ‘could not immediately be reached for comment’. Since they’re unavailable, I’ll do the honors: Islamikazes are violence-prone rage-a-holics, who are a deadly threat to individual liberty. The sooner everyone wakes up and smells the ISLAM IS THE ENEMY coffee, the better.

Sand Box Party Poopers
Source: USA Today [06/23/10]

With all their serious problems resolved, what passes for justice, in the Sand Box, painted a bull’s-eye on 15 arch criminals, and not a moment too soon. Unwilling to tolerate such unholy antics in the otherwise Eden-esque Kingdom, Sand Box black robes sentenced 11 men and 4 women to flogging and prison terms. No doubt, this harsh punishment will dissuade other Sand Box denizens from perpetrating the same dastardly crime. What crime? You’re going to be thrilled.

They were sentenced to a flogging and a graybar stint for - GASP - mingling at a party. Men and women mingling at a party! I’m shocked, shocked, I tell you.

The men, who are between 30 and 40 years old, and three of the women, who are under the age of 30, were sentenced to an unspecified number of lashes and one or two year prison terms each.

The fourth woman, a minor, was sentenced to 80 lashes and was not sent to prison.

The ruling was handed down on Tuesday at a court in the northern town of Ha'il.

The officials say the police saw the group partying until dawn last month. The officials spoke on condition of anonymity because they are not authorized to talk to the media. (USA Today)

This just in! Sand Box officials continue their Quixotean quest to repeal Mother Nature’s immutable laws of biology.

Rising To The Occasion
Source: Metro.UK [06/17/10]

Some artistically-inclined Ruskies - a radical art collective, Voina (War) - are mad as hell and they don’t care who knows it. Their knickers got knotted over the Draconian security measures which were locked and loaded for the International Economic Forum that was scheduled to begin on June 17, 2010, in St. Petersburg (Russia, DUH).

What they needed was an impossible to ignore statement that even the most hard headed Ruskie stonehead couldn’t ignore. Did they rise to the occasion? You better believe it, Sparky. They painted a giant wang on the Liteiny Bridge in St. Petersburg, making their protest art unavoidable, whenever the drawbridge opens to let some river traffic pass through.

Measuring 65 metres (220 ft) long and 27 metres across, the big penis rises and glistens in the light whenever the bridge is raised to let ships pass beneath, framed against a backdrop of the imposing architecture of the former capital city of the Russian Empire.

'We have painted a giant phallus to show what the FSB and Interior Ministry are doing in terms of security for the forum,' Voina said in a statement. The FSB is Russia's main internal security agency, the successor to the KGB - and when the bridge is raised, the now-erect penis stands right beside its local headquarters. (Metro.uk)

The International Business Forum included assorted politicians, international business leaders, and Vladimir Putin’s personal puppet, Ruskie ‘President’ Dmitry Medvedev. I hope they all had a wang-tastic meeting, especially, when that drawbridge opened to showcase Voina’s PIG-worthy artwork.

Cash For Cussing Down Under
Source: Gold Coast.com.au [06/16/10]

After a 12 month trial run, the Elected Tormentors who run Queensland (Australia) decided to make ‘ticketing for public nuisance offenses’ an idea whose time has come. They decided that it’s much easier, and cheaper, to simply issue a ticket and impose a fine, than it is to run such offenses through the Queensland court system.

Under this scheme, they will impose $100 ‘on the spot’ fines for such mundane ‘offenses’ as swearing in public and $300 ‘on the spot’ fines for taking a whiz in public, and/or other ‘disorderly’ offenses. Among other things, this scheme provides a very ‘enriching’ revenue stream that is destined to fill those insatiable state coffers.

Here’s a generous dose of self congratulatory prose from the usual suspects:

Police Minister Neil Roberts said the new public nuisance ticketing system would allow police to spend more time on the beat instead of doing paperwork in the station.

"Inappropriate behaviour in public places is simply not acceptable and police officers are encouraged to take a zero-tolerance approach to public misbehaviour. The roll-out of public nuisance ticketing statewide will mean that no matter where you are in Queensland, if you're caught doing the wrong thing you can receive an on-the-spot fine."

Premier Anna Bligh said an evaluation of the trial revealed on-the-spot ticketing was a very cost-effective way of dealing with low-level offences. (Gold Coast)

I ‘get’ the public whiz crackdown, and I’m open-minded about disorderly conduct. BUT, I’m far from thrilled when speech, any speech, is criminalized.

Iranian Dress Code
Source: News Max [06/14/10]

Iran’s ruling retards have declared war on those brazen, Iranian, hussies who have the temerity to strut their ‘stuff’ where - GASP - some alleged male with no self control might see them. To put a stop to these indecent antics, Iran’s Islamikaze asshats have deployed the functional equivalent of the fashion police who are empowered to waylay these hussies who are ‘improperly dressed’.

And what, you ask, are these wild Iranian women doing that’s so destructive to Islam? They’re - you might want to send the kiddies out of the room - showing their hair. If that’s not horrifying enough, some of them wear clothes that - SHUDDER - display their body contours. Suffice it to say, if a woman’s outfit lets you distinguish a ‘female’ from a sumo wrestler, it’s indecent in Iran.

‘...Iranian airports security chief Nabiollah Heidari told ILNA news agency that "in the first 82 days of the current Iranian year (which began on March 21), 71 women were barred from boarding flights because they were improperly dressed. Their cases have been forwarded to the judiciary."

In recent weeks the dress code has been more strictly enforced, with police confiscating cars whose drivers are deemed to be harassing women, according to local media that did not clarify what amounts to harassment...’

‘...The reports say the crackdown has become a major issue for Iran's youth, with police or hardline militiamen stopping luxury cars to question boys and girls on board about their relationship.

Heidari also said that warnings were issued to 87,714 women during these 82 days for not covering their hair properly, while 3,506 such women gave "commitments" that they would follow the Islamic dress code...’ (News Max)

I’m obligated to give you Mahmoud al-Gilligan’s take on this Islamikaze dress code. It’s probably going to shock you:

On Sunday, President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said he "strongly" opposed the ongoing crackdown. "It is impossible for such actions to be successful," he said in an interview on state television. The government is not interfering in this. We consider it is insulting to ask a boy and girl about their relationship. Nobody has the right to ask people such a question."

Is this what he really thinks? I’ll let you make that call, even a broken clock is right twice a day, Sparky.

Road Warrior’s Dream Job
Source: NZPA [06/10/10]

With a DUI charge hanging over his head, a Kiwi dude, Gary Richards, black-flagged himself. It is, in my opinion, a wise precaution. Taking himself out of the driver’s seat in his Hummer isn’t that big a sacrifice, but mothballing his beloved Lamborghini is off the scale. He still has places to go and people to see, so what’s his solution? What indeed.

Needing to get around, Gary decided to find some eager student who needs a few extra bucks and pay him, her, himher, or it to drive the aforementioned rides:

Students could not believe their luck when a businessman facing a drink-driving charge advertised on their job search website for a chauffeur to drive him around in his Hummer and Lamborghini.

In the ad, placed at Student Job Search in Auckland, Gary Richards sought a tidy and positive student to drive him to "business appointments" for seven weeks.

The applicant had to be available in business hours from Monday to Friday - but "can study while the employer is in meetings". (NZPA)

So far, the Student Job Search has referred 3 students for what job search site minion, Marek Koliandr, has rightfully called "a pretty sweet job".

Hanging In There
Source: STV [06/09/10]

This adventure began, while our 22-year-old heroine, Plucky, was strolling down an Edinburgh (Scotland) street, with her highly prized Louis Vuitton bag draped over her arm. Her stroll went from mundane to ‘thrilling’, when a trio of men in a car called to her. When she got close enough, one of them made his move, trying to snatch her precious bag from her. Game, set, match? Hardly.

Refusing to let go of her bag, Plucky held on to it, while the car accelerated. Hanging onto her bag, Plucky was dragged along by the car, until the asshat released her Louis Vuitton bag. We’re pleased to report that Plucky only incurred minor injuries, which were treated at a local hospital.

You’re our kind of gal, Plucky.

A Cut Above The Rest
Source: London Telegraph [06/08/10]

At first glance, Tony Fowler seems like just another Brit working man. For the past 19 years, Tony has made a living by delivering milk to 25 rural villages around the town of Melton Mowbray in Leicestershire.

In addition to his milk deliveries, Tony has doubled as a highly successful crime stopper: ‘...[he] has contributed to the capture of a string of criminals by watching out for suspicious behaviour, foiling burglaries, joyriding youths and drug deals, and blocking car thieves with his milk float...’ (Telegraph).

This week’ Tony’s heroics will be rewarded, when the Queen herself invests in into a prestigious Brit organization: the Most Excellent Order of the British Empire is an order of chivalry that dates back nearly a century. It’s quite an honor, for the 51 year old Tony, and it’s richly deserved.

There’s one final, fun, fact you need to know about Tony and his investiture ceremony. When he collects his MBE, he will be dressed to thrill:

Mr Fowler will collect the MBE from the Queen at an investiture ceremony at Buckingham Palace on Wednesday in a suit made to resemble a cow by one of his customers. The 51-year-old, from the village of Grimston, near Melton Mowbray, said: ''My wife Anne is not pleased about me going as a cow but I just want to do something different. Milkmen and women are very quiet people usually, except for me. One of my customers sewn white patches on to a suit to make it look like a cow and it did have a tail but the dog chewed it off.'' (Telegraph)

I think the Queen will handle Tony’s irregular attire with her usual grace, but Tony will never hear the end of it from his lovely bride.

Come Fly With Me
Source: AOL News [06/03/10]

Faces at British Airways took on a reddish hue, this week, thanks to a picture published on the cover of the airline’s internal magazine, 'LHR News'. In theory, there’s nothing wrong with using an image, to tout an article on a new high tech service that allows British Airways passengers to download their boarding pass, electronically, onto their iPhones. In theory, there’s nothing wrong with featuring a sample, iPhone, boarding pass in the image, which showed that the traveler in question would be flying first class, in seat 7C on October 26. In practice, it stirred up a ‘spot of bother’, when some - as yet unidentified - individual put the name Osama bin Laden on this sample boarding pass.

British Airways apologized for a photograph that showed a boarding pass made out in the name of Osama bin Laden. The picture, published on the cover of British Airways' internal magazine, LHR News, showed an iPhone with an electronic boarding pass for bin Laden to fly from London to Washington, D.C., the Daily Mail reported.

"A mistake was made and we are working to find out how this occurred," British Airways said in a Twitter message in response to a tweet about the story. "Apologies for the error." (AOL News)

If this is a joke, it’s falling flat, because the suits at British Airways aren’t laughing. If this is a prank intended to give British Airways fits, the smart money opines that it might be related to an ongoing dispute between the airline and some labor unions.

Silver lining: If Osama does show up on October 26, it will give all those Dog The Bounty Hunter clones a shot at the $25,000,000 reward for his capture.

Arresting Behavior
Source: PIG News Wire [06/01/10]

A gassed to the gills Canadian woman went the extra mile, to make herself memorable, and I’m pleased to announce that she earned the right to hang out a ‘mission accomplished’ banner. Getting a running start on ‘drunk as a skunk’, she was already snockered by 7 p.m.

The fun started, while she and a male companion were walking down a Kingston (Ontario, Cana-DUH) sidewalk. Our heroine commanded justice system attention, when she was strolling past a parked police cruiser. That’s when she went bonkers and did a Mike Tyson impression, by pummeling the face of her male companion with a flurry of punches.

When the police officer strolled over to ask the woman the Canadian equivalent of ‘what’s your damage’, our heroine kicked her antics up several notches. Going postal, she showered the officer with profane pleasantries, then punctuated her antics by stripping down to the buff.

Unimpressed by our heroine’s 40-year-old booty, the officer finally convinced her to put her clothes back on, before bagging, tagging, and dragging her to a local graybar for public intoxication, assault and public nudity.

International News
Source: PIG News Wire [05/28/10]

Boys Will Be Boys
Boldly swimming against the prevailing tide in Malawi (Africa), a pair of bun rangers were arrested for getting married to each other, plus ‘violating the order of nature’. And what, you ask, is the penalty for that ‘order of nature’ rap, which is a golden oldie from the colonial era? It’s a hefty 14 years of hard labor in a Malawi graybar hotel. Ouch!

If you expect GLAAD, Barney ‘Chaps Boy’ Frank, Je$$e, or any of the other professional American whiners to lift a finger, get over it. If you’re wondering who will help the horny homo lads get out of this jam, I have that answer.

The UN human rights chief on Friday slammed the "blatantly discriminatory" jailing of a gay couple in Malawi, saying that it sets an alarming precedent for the treatment of homosexuals in the region.

"I am shocked and dismayed by the sentence and reports of the treatment of Steven Monjeza and Tiwonge Chimbalanga while in detention," said Navi Pillay, UN High Commissioner for Human Rights.

"The law which enabled the conviction dates back to the colonial era and has lain dormant for a number of years -- rightly so, because it is discriminatory and has the effect of criminalising and stigmatising people based on perceptions of their identity," she added.

Pillay said the conviction should be repealed and penal codes that criminalise homosexuality reformed.

"Laws that criminalise people on the basis of their sexual orientation are by their nature discriminatory, and as such are in apparent violation of a number of key international treaties and instruments," said Pillay. (AFP)

Update: Thanks to pressure from the U.N., Malawi’s president let them off the hook.

Malawi's president on Saturday pardoned a gay couple who had been sentenced to 14 years in prison and ordered their release but insisted that homosexuality was still illegal in his conservative southern African nation.

President Bingu wa Mutharika announced the pardon on "humanitarian grounds only" during a press conference with U.N. Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon in Lilongwe, the capital.

"These boys committed a crime against our culture, against our religion, and against our laws," Mutharika said. "However, as head of state, I hereby pardon them and therefore order their immediate release without any conditions."

But he added, "We don't condone marriages of this nature. It's unheard of in Malawi and it's illegal." (AP)

Substantiating the broken clock metaphor, the Black Helicopter Club did something useful, for a change.

Girls Will Be Girls
It’s called the "emo" trend, and it’s all the rage among nubile wenches in Japan, Europe, the Americas and elsewhere. Before I delve into ‘and elsewhere’, I’ll give you a heads-up on "emo" fashion:

The trend is characterised by wearing skinny black jeans, tennis shoes, colourful T-shirts bearing the names of emo bands, heavy make up and sharply chopped and sometimes radically coloured hair-dos. (AFP)

No harm, no foul? It is to a rational adult, a description which excludes Saudi Arabia, where 10 emo wenchlets made the usual suspects set their dishrag headgear on fire.

Saudi Arabia's religious police have arrested 10 "emo" women for allegedly causing a disturbance in a coffee shop, Al-Yaum newspaper reported on Saturday.

The coffee shop owner in the eastern city of Dammam called the Commission for the Promotion of Virtue and Prevention of Vice to complain after the young women, dressed and made up in the "emo" fashion, apparently began disturbing other clients.

The religious police then called their parents to come and collect the women, and to sign pledges that the girls would not repeat their ostensibly offensive un-Islamic behaviour and dress. (AFP)

Sooner or later, Saudi women are going to reach critical mass over this kind of crap. When that happens, the so-called men who infest the Sand Box are going to PAY dearly, for all this happy horse crap.

Show & Tell, Italian Style
In his quest to nip his students’ enthusiasm for the annoying ‘pants on the ground’ trend, an Italian teacher did too much showing, and not enough telling.

The unnamed master stunned pupils at Fogazzaro middle school in Como with his impromptu show-and-tell, undoing his belt and letting his trousers drop.

‘A teacher mustn’t lower himself to the pupils’ level,’ said headmaster Luigi Zecca. 'If I see kids coming into school dressed inappropriately I say something but I certainly don't drop my trousers,' he added. (Metro.uk)

For taking SHOW too far, our Italian Educrat has been disciplined. Life is so sucky that way.

Porn Bonkers Down Under
Source: Sydney Morning Herald [05/20/10]

Without bothering to give Aussie citizens any advanced warning, and not bothering to change the official rules of customs officials engagement - the federal Classification Act, which officials rely on to classify their material - Australian officials have launched a porn jihad. I know what you’re thinking, and it’s not ‘that’. They aren’t specifically targeting kiddie porn. They are, however, going through laptops, luggage, and cell phones in a frantic search for anything more titillating than a Barney the Dinosaur image.

Australian customs officers have been given new powers to search incoming travellers' laptops and mobile phones for pornography, a spokeswoman for the Australian sex industry says. Fiona Patten, president of the Australian Sex Party, is demanding an inquiry into why a new question appears on Incoming Passenger Cards asking people if they are carrying "pornography". Patten said officials now had an unfettered right to examine travellers' electronic devices, marking the beginning of a new era of official investigation into people's private lives.

She questioned whether it was appropriate to search people for legal R18+ and X18+ material. “Is it fair that customs officers rummage through someone's luggage and pull out a legal men's magazine or a lesbian journal in front of their children or their mother-in-law? If you and your partner have filmed or photographed yourselves making love in an exotic destination or even taking a bath, you will have to answer 'Yes' to the question or you will be breaking the law." (SMH)

You’ll be thrilled to know that a spokeshole for the Aussie equivalent of the TSA has owned up to this officially sanctioned porn jihad, but the spokeshole insists that it’s for the ‘greater good’ and no doubt, ‘the good of society as a whole’. Fear not, sovereign individual Sparky, Aussie TSA’s Porn Jihadikazes have received training in "tact and discretion", so they’ll be relentlessly civil when they call you a filthy pervert in front of your friends, family, and the other incoming passengers.

When I cut through all the self-serving, Nanny State, bull crap, I’m compelled to ask the essential question: If this blatant invasion of privacy is such a spiffy idea, why did you cloak it in secrecy and slip it under the radar 8 MONTHS ago?

Parting shot: One rational Aussie adult, Colin Jacobs, chairman of the lobby group Electronic Frontiers Australia, nails the Porn Jihad:

"It's hard to fathom what the pressing concern could be that requires Australia to quiz every entrant to the country on their pornography habits, as if visitors would be aware of the nuances of the Australian classification scheme. If this results in Customs trawling through more private information on laptops searching for contraband, I would say the solution is way worse than the problem."

A Hannibal Smith Moment
Source: PIG News Wire [05/20/10]

It’s not breaking news when a Jihadikaze dies in an explosion. It’s no longer novel, when the explosive is one that he made to blow up infidels, and other ‘enemies’. It IS newsworthy, however, when the explosive idiot is a ‘player’ who, routinely, SELLS that ‘72 virgins in heaven’ snake oil to relentlessly horny Mecca Maniac males. In theory, THEY are the ones who blow themselves up, not our snake oil selling Jihadikaze.

This week, one of these snake oil selling Jihadikazes got too close to his work, and BOOM!

A man whom the U.S. described as a key figure in Al Qaeda in the Arabian Peninsula accidentally blew himself up, U.S. military officials told Fox News.

The officials say Nayif Al-Qahtani was "messing with a bomb" when it went off. U.S. officials had been watching him, but Fox News' sources insist the U.S. had nothing to do with his death.

Al-Qahtani was "a vibrant guy linked to ongoing operations planning, and his death will have an impact," one official told Fox News.

An Al Qaeda in the Arabian Peninsula newsletter was the first to announce his death a week after the United States put terror sanctions on him. The newsletter did not say when it happened but said Al-Qahtani died in Yemen's Abyan province in the south of the country.

The State Department recently described al-Qahtani as "a liaison between Al Qaeda cells in Yemen and Saudi Arabia." It said he manages Al Qaeda in the Arabian Peninsula's operations in Yemen and receives financial support from abroad to launch attacks in both Yemen and Saudi Arabia. (Fox)

BOOM! Dead terrorist ‘mastermind’. I love it when a plan comes together.

Sand Box Ass Kicking
Source: PIG News Wire [05/20/10]

If you have ever wondered what’s going on inside those head-to-toe baggies that Sand Box women wear, we have a partial answer. In at least one instance, one Saudi woman is mad as hell and not going to take it anymore. Boiling mad, she went PMS postal, when one of those Religious Virtue cops rousted her.

When the fisticuff-intensive festivities ended, the morality cop was in a local hospital and our heroine was up to her baggied neck in trouble:

When a Saudi "virtue" cop approached a couple socializing at an amusement park in the city of Al-Mubarraz, he likely wasn't expecting what came next -- a beating from a young Saudi woman.

The religious police officer demanded that the couple provide identification and state their relationship to one another, according to the Saudi daily newspaper Okaz, the Jerusalem Post reported.

The young man collapsed during the questioning, but the woman reportedly became enraged and punched the officer repeatedly in the face, sending him to the hospital, the Post reported.

Saudi law prohibits women from socializing with unrelated men. The law also forbids them to drive, fly aircraft, inherit money or be seen in a public space without a male guardian. Officers of the Commission for the Promotion of Virtue and Prevention of Vice are responsible for enforcing such laws but a wave of resistance in recent months has made the job difficult. (Fox News)

What lurks beneath those head-to-toe baggies? In this case, the answer is clear: our kind of gal. Nice beatdown, darlin.

Letting It All Hang Out Down Under
Source: Daily Mail [05/14/10]

It’s not breaking news, when a rustic Aussie denizen, a male of the species, goes to great lengths to attract a willing female. Even if I kick it up a notch, by telling you that the horny male in question is running around naked, sporting a boner, it’s still not a golden ‘holy crap’ moment in the PIGdom. But, when I tell you that a horny, boner sporting, kangaroo is trying his romantic, marsupial moves on Aussie women, this story makes the holy crap grade.

A kangaroo that is looking for love in all the wrong places is terrorising women in a small Australian country town. The amorous animal has been spotted around the Honeymoon Ranges in Tennant Creek, in the Northern Territory, making every effort to woo a woman.

One resident told the local newspaper that she was walking along a bike trail when she realised she was being followed by the randy roo early one morning.

She said: 'I turned around and saw this big kangaroo behind me, so I hastened my steps. It seemed a bit odd, but I continued walking and didn't think much about it. Then on the return walk he was there waiting for me. With his male pride on full alert, he started circling me. There was no doubt about what he wanted, the randy old thing. It was a huge kangaroo and quite intimidating. I yelled at him to go away, waved my hands about and let him know I wasn't interested, but he was persistent - I'll give him that.'

The woman said it only bounded off when other walkers approached. (Daily Mail)

Our horny marsupial had better luck, when he aimed his romantic moves on another Aussie woman, at a night-time speedway event.

Tanya Wilson, a mother of three, noticed the kangaroo had come to check out the action.

"I thought it was strange that a kangaroo would come to such a noisy place, but I grew up around kangaroos so I went up to say hello. There I was having a nice chat to him when I heard others calling out to me, warning me to step away. I didn't take any notice of them because I didn't think I had anything to worry about. I thought he was just a cute, friendly kangaroo."

Tanya was oblivious to the clear arousal of the creature, but other speedway fans knew his intentions were not honourable. She added: "Apparently he was quite aroused. I'm actually glad I didn't notice."

You’re naked with your wang standing at attention and the object of your lust doesn’t notice? That kind of rejection would deflate any dude’s...ego. I’m pleased to report that marsupial manhood made a comeback, when an Aussie dude confronted our horny hero and the kangaroo punched his lights out.

Scouting The ‘Talent’
Source: PIG News Wire [05/14/10]

Our hero is a 70-year-old Indonesian dude, Bakri Abdullah. A self-proclaimed prophet, Bakri spins quite a yarn, one that is thrilling some Earth-bound people in very high places spitless. According to Bakri, he has mounted not one, but two, scouting expeditions to the celestial realm. In 1975, and again in 1997, Bakri climbed a mountain, then used it as jumping off point into the celestial realm.

Since I’m in a generous mood, I’ll refrain from casting aspersions on Bakri’s boasting, and chalk it up to an over-stimulated imagination. No harm, no foul, sums up my attitude. Unhappily for Bakri the aforementioned Earth-bound people in very high places aren’t as forgiving, as I am:

Bakri Abdullah was arrested in October last year and charged under the country's blasphemy law. He reportedly told his small group of followers that he had ascended from a mountain into heaven in 1975 and again in 1997, according to Detikcom news website.

His claims eventually angered his neighbours on the Muslim island of Lombok, who reported him to police.

The sentence handed down Thursday of one year in jail was six months lighter than prosecutors had requested. (AFP)

If I buy Baki’s story about his two field trips to heaven, I’m forced to ask why he didn’t stay there. Is it possible that the legendary 72 celestial virgins are - to put it bluntly - all DOGS? It’s Enquiring minds time again in the PIGdom.

Mixed Blessing
Source: Reuters [05/13/10]

The hero of our story is a 20-year-old guitarist, Tom Kaulitiz, who toils in a popular German rock band, Tokio Hotel. If you couldn’t pick Tommy, or his band, out of a lineup, don’t feel like the Lone Ranger. Since his claim to PIGish fame lies elsewhere, his musical prowess is irrelevant.

Tommy boy blundered onto our radar, when he launched himself into the action-packed world of self-medication. I know what you’re thinking, and you’re wrong. In this case, the medicine was designed to alter the state of Tommy’s ‘little head’, not his noodle.

Kaulitz, 20, told Bild newspaper that someone offered him a Viagra tablet during a concert tour of Asia. After first turning down the offer, Kaulitz said he decided to try one. He said a little later he took a second one and fell ill.

"I first asked the seller 'Do I look like someone who needs help with that?'" said Kaulitz, whose brother Bill is the group's lead singer. "He said 'no' — but that I should nevertheless try it out. I popped one in."

Kaulitz, a member of the German rock band that has sold millions of albums around the world, said he took a few more tablets used to treat impotence when he got back to his hotel. "I popped a few more pills, probably too many," he said. "The next morning my head was pounding and everything in front of my eyes was blurry. It wasn't fun any more. It was pretty bad."

Kaulitz said it took two days for the effects to wear off. "Unfortunately there were situations where it just wasn't appropriate," Kaulitz said. (Reuters)

You take some Viagra to put lead in your pencil, then it blurs your vision so you can’t see who...what you’re getting into? Whose bright idea was it to include automatic beer goggles in Viagra?

Ruskie Rescue Mission Succeeds
Source: PIG News Wire [05/07/10]

Some seafaring Somali gangbangers stepped in it, this week, when - full of themselves, and it - they attacked ‘Moscow University’, a Liberian-flagged oil tanker manned by a Russian crew. Their early morning attack was only partially successful, since the crew had time to send out distress calls from the safety of pirate-proof safe rooms, which are stocked with ample provisions.

Unable to move the disabled ship, and thwarted by the safe rooms, the seafaring gangbangers got another dose of bad news about a Ruskie warship which was rushing to the rescue. Cmdr. John Harbour, the EU Naval Force spokesman, warned the Somali hooligans that the Russians would respond ‘very robustly’, if any of the Russian sailors were harmed.

The seafaring gangbangers didn’t take the ‘get out of Dodge’ hint, so the Ruskies evicted them, with a well-orchestrated rescue raid:

Russian special forces rappelled onto a disabled oil tanker taken over by Somali pirates and freed 23 Russian sailors early Thursday, the commander of the EU Naval Force said. Ten pirates were arrested and one was killed.

The raid on the Liberian-flagged ship Moscow University came 24 hours after pirates had taken the ship over and the crew locked itself in a safe room. The vessel is carrying 86,000 tons of crude oil worth about $50 million.

The special forces had been aboard the Russian anti-submarine destroyer Marshal Shaposhnikov, which rushed to the scene after Wednesday's seajacking. A helicopter was dispatched to investigate and was fired on by the pirates, EU Naval Force said. The Russian warship returned fire on the pirates, it said.

Special forces troops on the helicopter rappelled down to the Moscow University, Rear Adm. Jan Thornqvist, force commander of the EU Naval Force, told an Associated Press reporter aboard the warship Carlskrona, which on Thursday was 500 miles (800 kilometers) west of Thursday's rescue and was sailing toward Somali waters.

Ten pirates were detained and one pirate was killed, the Russian state news agency ITAR-Tass cited Vladimir Markin as saying. Markin is the spokesman for Russia's Investigative Committee. There are wounded pirates, he said without giving details. (AP)

PIGish kudos go out the Ruskies for a well-executed rescue raid. Your modus operandi - shout loudly and carry a loaded gun - is our idea of a proper response to these seafaring gangbangers.

Batty Over Bunnies
Source: PIG News Wire [05/07/10]

It’s not breaking news when a school’s young scholars induce a memorable meltdown in their teacher. It’s the kind of things kids do. It’s still not breaking news, when the teacher goes shyster bonkers and sues the ringleader of those pesky scholars. It is breaking news when the source of the teacher’s terror is a drawing of - TA DA - a bunny which a 14-year old pupil drew on the blackboard.

The teacher, from Vechta, Germany, says she was traumatised by the drawing, and claims the girl knew it would terrify her. She had transferred to the school where a pupil from her former school had just become a pupil and told her new friends about the teacher's fear of rabbits.

"We did it for fun and out of curiosity", one of the girls told a court, adding, "We wanted to see if she would really freak out."

School officials removed her from the class and now the teacher is seeking compensation for her terror and her loss of earnings, her lawyer Manfred Bormann told the court. (London Telegraph)

What kind of basket case is this Educrat? I would understand, if the scholars confronted her with a REAL bunny. I’d cut her some slack, if they left a photo of a REAL bunny where she could find it. BUT, a sketch of a bunny on a blackboard? If she’s that far gone, she has no business in any classroom.

Terrors of Technology
Source: PIG News Wire [05/07/10]

This terrors of technology epic epitomizes Strother Martin’s ‘Cool Hand Luke’ quote: What we have here is failure to communicate. Truer words, PIGsters. Truer words...

A TIP for tourists: if your GPS system leads you into a forest, forces you to unlock gates and move rocks blocking the road, chances are something is amiss.

South Korean tourists travelling from Brisbane to Rockhampton had to be rescued from a remote track in a forestry reserve in southeast Queensland after they tried to follow the directions given by their car's GPS system. The three followed gravel roads, then dirt roads, then went through a couple of gates, and ended up bogged in a gully in Cordalba State Forest, near Childers.

The men, who did not speak English, ignored danger signs and moved rocks blocking a road, to get to an isolated point that was practically inaccessible, the Bundaberg NewsMail reports. When their Ford Falcon became bogged the men tried to walk out, further endangering themselves. Bundaberg Police received a 000 call about 1am on Wednesday. A council worker found the tourists' vehicle six hours later. (AAP)

Gravel roads? A dirt road? Locked gates? Warning signs? Moving aside rocks blocking the road? That’s BLIND stupidity on a mind-boggling scale.

Parting shot: Am I the only one who didn’t know that there’s no Korean lingo equivalent for ‘common sense’?

What Goes Up...
Source: PIG News Wire [05/07/10]

A Canadian dude got a very special thrill, while he and some cohorts were firing off model rockets a few miles east of Calgary. During the festivities, one Calgary rocketeer’s endeavor hit a speed bump, when what goes up did not come all the way down. D’oh!

When one of the rockets became stuck in a power line, a 48-year-old man from Calgary tried to retrieve it and was zapped, said Kevin Link, spokesman for Wheatland EMS. “He set up a 24-foot ladder and climbed up to retrieve it and he tried to knock the rocket out with a pole or a stick and got electrocuted and fell to the ground,” he said. Whether he touched the line or the pole touched the line or the electricity arced we’re not sure, but he was electrocuted.”

When paramedics arrived, the man was in cardiac arrest and bystanders were giving him CPR. He was revived and taken to hospital in Strathmore by ground ambulance before being flown to Foothills by STARS in critical condition with life-threatening injuries. (CNEWS)

File this one under BZZZT in your Human Gene Pool Improvement pending file.

Massage Parlor Rubs Aussie Officials The Wrong Way
Source: News.au [04/28/10]

An Aussie massage parlor rubbed the scolds on an Aussie consumer protection commission the wrong way, with its ‘misleading’ advertising. By the time the massage oil reached critical mass, one ‘former’ massage parlor minion had been fined, and the establishment’s owners were looking at a painful courtroom encounter:

The ex-worker, who was employed by Bikini Girls Massage, pleaded guilty in the Perth Magistrates Court to two counts of conduct liable to mislead in relation to employment, a breach of the Fair Trading Act.

The WA consumer protection commissioner alleged job vacancy ads in community newspapers disguised the true nature of the work, which involved female staff wearing bikinis while massaging naked or mostly naked men.

The ex-worker, who cannot be named for legal reasons, was fined $1500 and ordered to pay court costs of $632.

The commissioner's lawyer described the recruitment practices as predatory and asked the court to send a signal to employers that difficult economic times were not an invitation to mislead and exploit young job seekers.

The chief magistrate echoed the commissioner's concern over the use of phrases like 'health salon' in ads really recruiting for massage parlours. Consumer Protection has also taken the alleged operators of Bikini Girls, Bon Levi and Colin Burton, to court on multiple counts of misleading advertising.

The department said in a statement on Wednesday they were due to face trial on September 1. Levi faces 91 charges and Burton faces 14 charges. (News.au)

I ‘get’ the misleading ads whining, up to a point. BUT, how dense does a wench have to be, when she doesn’t see the job-related implications of working for ‘Bikini Girls Massage’? Holy dumber than a box of rocks, Batman!

Hooking A Hot Line, In Germany
Source: Reuters [04/27/10]

The fun started, when a power company shut off a financially challenged German dude’s electricity. Unable to pay, our hero resolved that pesky issue with a long power cable and - you’ll be thrilled - a meat hook. Yes, a MEAT HOOK.

The 36-year old man from Sibbesse in Lower Saxony concocted the plan to steal electricity after the power company cut him off for failure to pay his bills, police said.

The man attached a cable to the meat hook and tossed it onto an overhead power line. He then drew power from the transmission line to his home, located about 150 meters away.

"I've never seen anything like this in my 34-year-career," said Friedrich-Wilhelm Lach, chief executive of regional utility Ueberlandwerke Leinetal GmbH, told Reuters. "It's incredibly dangerous and utterly stupid."

An employee of the utility noticed the meat hook during a routine check. Lach said the man was lucky he is still alive and warned copycats not to try it: "It will kill you," he said. (Reuters)

I get the ‘don’t try this at home’ part. BUT, in all fairness, this dude deserves props for his innovative solution.

Outing Rover
Source: The Sunday Mail [04/25/10]

Knowing the drill, a blind Aussie dude, Ian Jolly, called ahead to warn the food wranglers at an Adelaide (Australia) area eatery that he’d be bringing his guide dog, Nudge, with him. Unhappily, something got lost in the translation, when the call was placed to the Thai Spice restaurant.

Ian Jolly, 57, was barred from dining at the Thai Spice restaurant in May 2009 after a staff member mistook his guide dog Nudge for a "gay dog," a tribunal heard this week.

A statement given by restaurant owners Hong Hoa Thi To and Anh Hoang Le said one of the restaurant's waiters said that Jolly's partner Ms. Chris Lawrence stated "she wanted to bring a gay dog into the restaurant."

Jolly and Lawrence were refused entry to the restaurant -- which displays a "guide dogs welcome" sign -- even after providing staff with a guide dogs fact card.

At an Equal Opportunity Tribunal conciliation hearing Friday, the restaurant agreed to provide Jolly with a written apology and attend an Equal Opportunity education course, in addition to paying him $1,500. "The staff genuinely believed that Nudge was an ordinary pet dog which had been desexed to become a gay dog," a statement from the hearing said. (The Sunday Mail)

A GAY dog? How can you tell? Does it wear chaps and bark with a lisp?

Deny, Deny, Deny
Source: PIG News Wire [04/23/10]

If you didn’t know that, in Germany, it’s a crime to deny the holocaust, consider yourself suitably enlightened on that fun fact. Making this law relentlessly fun, you’re begging for it, if, as in the incident in question, you give an interview on Swedish television, which spills over into the Fatherland, via the Internet. When local German media pick up the story, you are stick a fork in yourself done.

Our main character is a Holocaust denying Brit named Richard Williamson, who said, among other things, that he doesn’t believe Jews were murdered in Nazi death camps during WWII. He’s not shy about his views, so it’s hardly shocking that his employer - the Roman Catholic Church - went so far as to excommunicate BISHOP Richard Williamson. Making that last tidbit doubly thrilling, Dickie gave his inflammatory interview shortly before Pope Benedict XVI expunged Bishop Williamson’s excommunication. Talk about your bad timing...

This week, the clucking pests came home to roost for Dickie in a German courtroom:

A court in the Bavarian city of Regensburg on Friday found Williamson guilty of incitement for saying in an interview with Swedish television that he did not believe Jews were killed in gas chambers during World War II.

The court ordered Williamson to pay a fine of euro10,000 ($13,544).

He went on trial Friday on charges of denying the Holocaust for saying that he did not believe Jews were killed in gas chambers during World War II.

The Roman Catholic bishop was barred by his order from attending the proceedings in a court in the Bavarian city of Regensburg. The ultraconservative Society of St. Pius X also forbade him from making statements to the media.

The court had issued Williamson a fine of euro12,000 (about $16,200) for incitement in connection with his statements last year, but the bishop refused to accept the punishment, forcing his case to be tried publicly.

Williamson's lawyer, Matthias Lossmann, told the German news agency DAPD his client had expressly requested that the interview, given to Swedish television in November 2008, not be shown in Germany. But it was broadcast over the Internet and cited in German media. (News Max)

A Holocaust denying Catholic Bishop? That’s a new one on me. I wonder if Dickie has Mahmoud al-Gillian listed as a ‘friend’ on his FaceBook page?

What A Pisser
Source: New Zealand Herald [04/18/10]

Our hero is a Kiwi dude, Andrew Williams, whose primary claim to fame is his status as mayor of North Shore City (New Zealand). A relentlessly fun guy, Andy thrilled Kiwis spitless, when he exploited that male perk, the standing whiz, in public, by pissing on a tree outside a Kiwi restaurant. Predictably, some Kiwis weren’t the least bit amused. Pissed - the ‘other’ way - Andy kicked his antics up a notch with a email wherein he compares himself to the Cross Dude:

In an email about reports he urinated on a tree after drinking at a Takapuna restaurant, he wrote to councillors: "Yes two blokes got crucified this week …and both will most certainly rise from the dead to come back to haunt a few people!!"

The email was sent on April 4, Easter Sunday.

The comment has outraged at least one fellow councillor and the Catholic church. Catholic Diocese of Auckland spokeswoman Lyndsay Freer said Williams' comment was inaccurate. "Jesus died for our sins, but he [Williams] appears to be crucified for his own." (Herald)

As fun as this sounds, it gets better, because one of Andy’s ‘fans’ forwarded Andy’s knickers knotting email to the media from the account of councillor Ken McKay. Singularly unamused, Ken is making noises about filing an ‘identity theft’ charge with the Takapuna Police.

Parting shot: A relentlessly fun guy, Mayor Andy went FaceBook bonkers on another Kiwi Elected Tormentor:

Days after the tree incident he was forced to apologise for posting a Photoshopped picture of Local Government Minister Rodney Hide looking like Adolf Hitler against a swastika flag on his Facebook page.

Mayor Andy sounds like a PIGishly fun dude. It’s too bad he’s so unappreciated by certain humor-challenged Kiwis.

Sir Isaac Newton Strikes Again
Source: London Telegraph [04/14/10]

Old enough to know better, at age 64, a Brit handyman - Peter Aspinall - went toe to toe with Sir Isaac Newton’s law of gravity and lost. The fun started, two weeks into his tenure as the handyman for the Egerton House Hotel near Bolton, Lancashire (J.O.E.), when he was deployed to prune a sycamore tree on the hotel grounds.

Gathering the relevant tools, Pete ventured forth for his painful confrontation with the law of gravity. Apparently, common sense is NOT one of the relevant skills for his job. We know this, because, when Peter and his cohorts set up the ladder, they DIDN’T lean it against the trunk of the tree. Instead, they used the limb he was planning to cut off, to support his ladder. This clever plan worked out the way these things always do, proving that even in J.O.E. what goes up must come down.

As fun as this sounds, it gets better, because Pete sued the hotel for compensation, and he won.

He took the action after health and safety inspectors concluded the hotel failed to carry out a risk assessment on the dangers of pruning. They also said that his employer should have given him training on where to place the ladder.

The hotel owners have now been fined £1,000 and ordered to pay £1,000 council costs and a £15 victim surcharge by magistrates in Bolton after pleading guilty to health and safety breaches.

Nicola Raby, prosecuting for Bolton Council, told the court that the accident happened on July 18, 2008 when Mr Aspinall was helping gardener Alan Ashworth remove the branch because it was shading the lawn. The men placed their ladder against the branch and Mr Ashworth held the bottom of it while Mr Aspinall climbed up with a bow saw to chop it down. They did not realise their mistake until the branch finally snapped and Mr Aspinall fell to the ground.

Far from satisfied, and determined to make someone pay, Pete is suing the hotel in civil court. I get that, but I’m compelled to ask what this fool was smoking. Pete, dude, even a rug rat knows you don’t saw off the branch that’s holding up your ladder. Are you really that stupid, or, did you do the math and figure that the ensuing payday would make it worth the painful header into the law of gravity? I’m smelling a fat, greedy, rat here, Pete.

Blending In
Source: Courier Mail [04/13/10]

Unwilling to wait for their graybar hotel’s assigned checkout time, two prisoners took ‘blending in’ right off the scale, and it worked. How? You’re going to be thrilled.

TWO escaped convicts in Argentina have dodged a huge manhunt by disguising themselves as sheep. The Sun said the pair was reported to have dressed in full sheepskin fleeces, complete with heads, to lie low among farm flocks.

Robbers Maximiliano Pereyra, 25, and Ariel Diaz, 28, allegedly stole the sheep hides from a ranch after breaking out of an Argentinian maximum security prison in La Alameda a week ago.

They managed to evade the 300 police on their trail, despite locals seeing them running through fields at night, The Sun said.

A farm worker said: "They were wearing grey clothes but had full sheepskins, including the sheep heads, over their heads and backs."

Police said spotting the pair among thousands of sheep is "almost impossible". (Courier Mail)

When asked‘what the flock happened’, the relevant prison officials said ‘BAA’. According to our PIGlish Translator 3000, ‘BAA’ roughly translates as ‘bite me’.

Amazing Aussie Airport Antics
Source: The Daily Telegraph [04/10/10]

If you think Uncle Sam’s TSA is the poster punk of Korrectnik-infested Airport insecurity, get over it. As inept as the TSA is, it’s not even in the same universe as the Einsteins at Dubbo airport in New South Wales (Australia).

SECURITY at one of the major regional airports in the Australian state of NSW is under scrutiny after a secure entrance was found to have a secret PIN code posted clearly on a gate.

Federal Government officials will next week review security at Dubbo airport in the state's Central West after it was alerted to the blatant breach of security.

A photograph of the secure entrance showed the code written on a piece of paper taped to the gate.

The note, headlined "Gate Access Code," revealed the code and advised people to "please touch pad softly" and "remember code to re-enter."

A Daily Telegraph reader spotted the code posted on the back of the general aviation entrance gate at the airport. The reader said anyone with a mirror or a camera phone could get the PIN. (Daily Telegraph)

As fun as this sounds, it gets better. As expected, the relevant Aussie bureaucrats - Australia’s Federal Transport Ministry - castigated Dubbo’s "unacceptable" security practices. That elicited this ‘nothing to see here, move along’ response from Dubbo airport officials:

Dubbo City Council corporate development director Megan Dixon said the access code was changed on Tuesday after the airport was made aware of the potential for a security breach.

She said the PIN code was signposted on the gate to allow "itinerant airport workers who have security clearance to use this gate."

"We had a security audit last year, which we passed."

In case your Aussie is rusty, "We had a security audit last year, which we passed.", is "Your crackerjack inspectors missed this access code crap when you were here, last year, so STFU. ", in American.

Parting shot: It’s a slam dunk the old ‘Gate Access Code’ was something cryptic like "ABCDEF". Suitably alarmed, they probably changed it to something much harder, like "123456".

PIGish World News
Source: Fox [04/05/10]

April Foolishness Makes Landfall in Jordan
Blissfully unaware of a venerable tradition - the April Fools Day prank - Jordanian officials are hopping mad after they fell for a stellar April Fools Day prank. How pissed are they? Very, especially the mayor of Jafr, a wide spot on a Jordanian road, who is threatening to sue the pranksters.

Fox served up these prankish particulars:

A Jordanian newspaper's April Fool's Day report chronicling a late-night visit by 10-foot-tall aliens in flying saucers sparked public panic and almost led to the town's emergency evacuation, officials said Monday.

The Al Ghad newspaper published a front-page article April 1 about the fake UFO landing near the desert town of Jafr, some 185 miles (300 kilometers) from the capital, Amman. The report said the UFOs lit up the whole town, interrupted communications and sent fearful residents streaming into the streets.

Jafr's mayor, Mohammed Mleihan, got caught up in the paper's prank and said he sent security authorities in search of the aliens. "Students didn't go to school, their parents were frightened and I almost evacuated the town's 13,000 residents," Mleihan told The Associated Press. "People were scared that aliens would attack them."

A Jordanian security official, speaking on condition of anonymity in order to discuss security issues, said an emergency plan was almost enacted in Jafr.

How, exactly, so they say ‘April Fool’ in Arabic? It’s Enquiring Minds time, again, in the FSOP.

Running on Empty in Copenhagen
Some warehouse workers at a Danish outpost of brewskie wrangling capitalism, Carlsberg, are mad as hell and not going to take it anymore. For the second day, last week, they perpetrated a work stoppage, after Carlsberg changed the rules of drinking on the job engagement.

The strike in Denmark followed the company's April 1 decision to introduce new rules for employees on beer drinking at work, said Jens Bekke, spokesman at the world no.4 brewer.

"There has been free beer, water and soft drinks everywhere," he said. "Yesterday, beers were removed from all refrigerators. The only place you can get a beer in future is in the canteen, at lunch."

Bekke said drivers retained an old right to three beers per day outside lunch hours, and warehouse workers claimed the same right. "Because of that, the warehouse staff went on strike yesterday, with other staff striking in sympathy," he said.

Bekke said as many as 800 had walked out on Wednesday, with 250 still on strike on Thursday, and the Confederation of Danish Industry and trade union 3F had agreed to look into the dispute. (Reuters)

I know what you’re thinking, and I, too, had qualms about delivery drivers sampling too much of the product. You’ll be relieved to hear that the trucks are equipped with alcohol sensing ignition locks. That prevents a gassed to the gills driver from turning Danish roads into a demolition derby.

Parting shot: If the strikers need a rousing chant for the picket line, I’m willing to loan them this one:

Brewskies, Brewskies
They’re so fine
Fill me up
Or I walk this line

Free Willy
A Brit capitalist, Jason Hadlow, is an ‘if you’ve got it, flaunt it’ kind of dude. ‘It’, in this context, is a four foot tall, Indonesian, stone wang, which he put on display in the window of his outpost of furniture wrangling capitalism, Simply Dutch.

Everything was spiffy, until Jason and his monster wang ran afoul of that pernicious pest, the infamous Brit Busybody:

46-year-old Jason Hadlow's prized Indonesian penis carving was snatched by police after a member of the public complained about the £200 phallus, which was on display in his window.

He was told to pay an £80 fixed penalty notice, or face prosecution for causing 'harassment, alarm and distress' - and was told he can only have his penis back if he promises not to put it on display again.

Hadlow, who runs the Simply Dutch store in Leeming Bar, North Yorkshire, has now started a Facebook campaign for the return of the phallus, which he has naturally called the 'Free Willy' campaign. (Metro.UK)

Determined to take the fight to the enemy, Jason has a container filled with 150 stone wangs headed for his store. Give the killjoy rat bastards hell, Jason. The Free State of PIG has your back.

Deceptive Packaging
Certain members of the PIG staff delight in making fun of Polacks - Hambo’s alleged daddy is/was Polish. I’m immune to such slings and arrows, since I never met my Polack daddy, and I don’t obsess on such issued at birth matters.

The aforementioned member of the PIG staff might want to swallow his next ‘dumb Polack’ pleasantries, after he reads this story of one, too clever by half, Polack:

A first-class thief in Poland pulled off a series of raids by climbing into large parcels and posted himself to businesses - then climbing out and burgling them at night.

Stanislaw Muchy, 39, would then make his getaway by sealing both himself and the loot in another box addressed to his Warsaw home.

His scheme came to an end after he fell out with an accomplice, whose job was to deliver him to courier firms, who contacted police to spill the beans on the scheme.

After being tipped off, police said: ‘We arranged a special delivery of our own.’ By which we assume they mean that they arrested him. (Metro.UK)

This criminal mastermind would still be taking care of business, if his accomplice (the fink has to be Irish-Italian) hadn’t ratted him out. I wonder if this fink has any close relatives on the PIG staff? It’s Enquiring Minds time again in the top secret PIG bunker.

Blowback
Source: PIG News Wire [4/02/10]

When the Nanny State willfully, blatantly, exceeds its authority, it’s begging for pointed pleasantries like these, which are popping up in cyberspace discussion groups:

"It would be near impossible for us to take down the entire government, but we must in some way make it clear that they do not control our f---ing lives to this degree. We must do something."

"I propose assassination or at least scare the f--- out of them," one poster wrote.

"I'm going to stick [I deleted the name to keep you guessing] in the throat. Who's with me?," wrote another.

"Telephone wires are safe to pull down with a rope, not powerlines. Make some f---ing thermite and melt through some government vehicles. Find a way to shut down a freeway. Be smart about this shit."

"What people need to do is start a violent riot of massive proportions, storm [legislative chambers] and kill f---ing everybody."

[One message] listed a detailed recipe, with step-by-step instructions, showing how to make a bomb out of acetone, hydrogren peroxide and hydrochloric acid. It was followed by instructions on how to destroy cars with thermite and how to make black powder bombs and napalm.

Who is responsible for this ‘kill the tyrannical bastards’ vitriol?

Tea Party Patriots? Nope.

People who just read Sarah Palin’s book? Nope.

Vicente W. Bush and Dick ‘Darth’ Cheney? Nope.

Right-wing Radicals who refuse to honor Barry as their personal Messiah? Nope, and you’re not even warm.

The foregoing messages, and thousands more just like them, were written by outraged, sovereign Aussie individuals who are livid over the new, Draconian, Internet censorship scheme imposed by their Elected Tormentors:

Members of the same community responsible for recent attacks on Australian government websites are now discussing a violent uprising, trading bomb recipes and calling for the assassination of Australia's Communications Minister Stephen Conroy.

Senator Conroy's appearance on the Australian TV show 7pm Project last night to defend his internet filtering policy has galvanised online miscreants who are planning new attacks.

Posts on the anonymous 4chan messageboard, the same community thought to be responsible for bringing down government websites in February, reveal a serious escalation in their rhetoric.

The Australian Government plans to introduce legislation within weeks forcing ISPs to block a blacklist of "refused classification" websites for all Australians on a mandatory basis. In submissions to the government made public this week, Australia's biggest technology companies, communications academics and many lobby groups warned the filters would do little to protect kids online and would stifle free speech. (SMH)

Another Sydney Morning Herald article explains that even the libs running Google have issues with Australia’s censorship scheme. Given Google's recent header into the Great Firewall of China, they're battle hardened experts, when it comes to speech suffocating cyberspace censorship. That makes their 'concerns' in Australia, much more than self-serving hot air.

In the company's submission to an Australian government review of the transparency measures regarding its proposed internet filter, Google argued the model advocated by the government would enable future governments to use it for political censorship.

The Australian government has proposed an internet service provider filter that will prevent Australian internet users from accessing sites on a blacklist of content refused classification (RC) under Australian censorship laws.

The 174 submissions released yesterday reveal multiple objections by the industry and users to the relatively secret approach the government has taken to websites on the filter, but support from religious and family groups.

The Australian government is considering options including the listing decision made by either the Classification Board or the Australian Communications and Media Authority, the potential for appeals against decisions, the result when web users seek blocked sites, incorporation of items from international blacklists and review of the process by independent experts.

The government argues the filter is designed to block content such as child sexual abuse imagery, bestiality, instruction in crime, drug use and material that advocates a terrorist act.

In response, Google says: ''There is a significant risk that filtering applied today to RC content could readily be extended by future governments to other forms of expression, whether related to sexual content or violence or not.'' (SMH)

I’ve got a hot flash for you, Sparky. If Australia was on your short list of places to move to reclaim your liberty, you might want to rethink that idea. Holy out of the frying pan into the fire, Batman!

PIGish International News
Source: PIG News Wire [03/26/10]

Dubai Doubles Back
After painting a WTF bull’s-eye on themselves with a ban on alcohol in food, the leaders of this filthy rich Islamikaze enclave, pulled back from an outright ban, at the last minute:

The Dubai municipality retracted a decision to ban restaurants from using alcohol in the preparation of dishes, Dubai newspaper The National reported Tuesday.

The liberal Gulf emirate announced Sunday it would enforce a 2003 law banning alcohol in food preparation, based on complaints from Muslim clients who were not warned that dishes in some restaurants contained alcohol. But it now appears Dubai changed its mind.

Khaled Sharif al Awadhi, director of Dubai municipality's food control department, said food containing alcohol could be served on condition it was segregated from other food and clearly labeled, The National reported. "We have found violations where hotels are not clearly stating alcohol content in their food," it quoted him as saying. Awadhi added that alcohol should be handled like other "non-halal products" such as pork.

The newspaper said chefs in Dubai, where restaurants in hotels with a license are allowed to serve alcohol, approached the municipality asking for a review of the decision, which they said threatened their industry. (Fox)

How do these Islamikaze breathe, with their heads lodged THAT far up their own butts? It’s Enquiring Minds time, again, in the FSOP.

Coulter Does A Header Into Canadian Korrectness
By now, you’ve all heard about Ann Coulter’s header into Canadian Korrectness. During her speaking tour of some Canadian Ivory Towers, she was protested, vilified for ‘hate speech’, and - if I’m interpreting the gibberish that passes for journalism in Canada - shouted down.

After searching, in vain for a coherent Canadian news report, I gave up and decided to run with this clear, concise, pre-trip report from Big Fur Hat at I Own The World:

Canada. Why go there?

Think Progress, that bastion of idiocy, reports this story as if it is something to be admired. Luckily the laws are different here. So, Think Progress, and everyone associated with it, as an identifiable group, drop dead.

Ann Coulter Far-right pundit Ann Coulter will be in Canada this week for “a trio of speaking engagements,” including one at the University of Ottawa. In advance of her visit, a senior official at the school sent Coulter a letter warning her to use “restraint, respect and consideration” in her remarks and telling her to review the country’s hate speech and defamation laws. From the letter:

I would, however, like to inform you, or perhaps remind you, that our domestic laws, both provincial and federal, delineate freedom of expression (or “free speech”) in a manner that is somewhat different than the approach taken in the United States. I therefore encourage you to educate yourself, if need be, as to what is acceptable in Canada and to do so before your planned visit here.

You will realize that Canadian law puts reasonable limits on the freedom of expression. For example, promoting hatred against any identifiable group would not only be considered inappropriate, but could in fact lead to criminal charges. Outside of the criminal realm, Canadian defamation laws also limit freedom of expression and may differ somewhat from those to which you are accustomed. I therefore ask you, while you are a guest on our campus, to weigh your words with respect and civility in mind.

In the past, Coulter has bashed Canada, saying, “They’d better hope the United States doesn’t roll over one night and crush them. They are lucky we allow them to exist on the same continent.” In response to the letter, Coulter writes, “I was hoping for a fruit basket, not a threat to prosecute.”

Canada vs. Coulter? That hardly seems fair. To make the fight slightly less one-sided, we need to let Canada team up with at least 3 more international outposts of Korrectness. Coulter will still kick ass, but it might make it worth watching.

PIGish International News
Source: PIG News Wire [03/19/10]

Putting On A Show In Stockholm
We’ve all ‘been there’, when it comes to annoying neighbors whose ‘loud and rowdy’ parties disrupt our domestic tranquility. It’s a real pisser, especially if they perpetrate such shindigs, regularly.

A certain Swedish couple found themselves in an identical situation, a fun fact which provoked them into seeking a very PIG-worthy kind of revenge. Unhappily, the Swedish injustice system isn’t as amused by their antics as I am. Life is so sucky that way:

A Stockholm couple have been fined by a district court for disorderly conduct after they were reported for having simulated sex on their patio, reports local newspaper Mitt-i-Södermalm. The couple were fined 800 kronor ($112) by Stockholm District Court after a neighbourly feud left the faux-amorous couple feeling the long arms of the law.

In a submission to the court the couple admitted that they had engaged in simulated sex on the patio of their apartment on Södermalm in central Stockholm last August in an attempt to deliberately provoke a neighbouring family. The pair told the court that their open-air sexual workout was a form of revenge on their neighbours who they claimed regularly hosted loud and rowdy parties.

The court ruling now establishes that sex, make believe or otherwise, is not legal on one's balcony or patio, and that it can lead to consequences when conducted in full view of the neighbours. (The Local)

A fine for ‘disorderly conduct’ is asinine. Here in the Free State of PIG, we pin a ‘heroism’ award on people who devise such inspired, inspirational, forms of payback.

How, exactly, does ‘no justice, no peace’ translate into Swedish?

Sushi Slammer Gals Just Wanna Have Fun
This action packed epic got the ball rolling, last October, when rugby sevens were included in the Olympic schedule for the 2016 Games in Rio de Janeiro. So what? So plenty, because Japan’s tryouts for the Japanese Women’s Rugby Football Federation is attracting some interesting women.

I hear those thoughts, mind in the gutter Sparky, and I’m here to tell you that it’s much more interesting than THAT. How interesting? Very? A rough and tumble sport, rugby is not for the faint hearted. Despite that, the on-going tryouts for the Japanese team takes this kick-ass sport to a new level.

How? What do you think is going to happen, if some of the karate and judo trained martial arts wenches land a spot on the Japanese rugby team? At minimum, it promises to be tons of PIGish fun.

"I thought the scrum and tackling looked so cool," former world junior karate champion Aya Waterhouse told Monday's Nikkan Sports. "The way the players go at each other is great. It's a new challenge," added the part-time actress, who is studying to be a hair and make-up artist. "The Olympics are awesome!" (Reuters)

Rugby playing wenches who are trained in karate and judo? Now THAT’S my idea of a SPORT.

PIGish International News
Source: PIG News Wire [03/12/10]

PIGish Israeli Parody
I’m pleased to report that being surrounded by hostile neighbors, one of whom has painted them with a nuke ‘em bull’s-eye, hasn’t destroyed the Israeli sense of humor. Prove it? No problem.

An Israeli supermarket chain has perpetrated its own version of that grainy surveillance footage of ‘alleged’ assassins who terminated that Hamas asshat in Dubai.

In the advert for Mahsanei Kimat Hinam shops, disguised customers prowl the supermarket's aisles and an actress wearing a wide-brimmed hat says she: "cannot admit to anything". The final line is: "We offer killer prices."

Advertising executive Sefi Shaked said the campaign was inspired by the original footage. "We were fascinated by the technique of using surveillance cameras instead of high-production cameras, and the latest events in Dubai have given us a great opportunity. It's a parody, a take-off of what happened in Dubai. All the Israeli television comedy shows have done it, so why shouldn't we?" (BBC)

PIGish kudos are conferred on these clever, Israeli, food wrangling capitalists.

Bashing Barry in Indonesia?
Painfully aware that America’s biggest brainfart, a Marxist messiah named Barry, is poised to spread his special brand of Narcissistic joy in their country, some Indonesians are spreading some joy of their own. Believe it or not, some Indonesians aren’t charter members of the Messiah Barry fan club:

‘...Scores of Islamic students staged protests outside Jakarta's parliament and in at least three other major Indonesian cities on Friday against President Barack Obama's upcoming visit to this predominantly Muslim country. The students carried banners branding Obama as an enemy of Islam and an imperialist in downtown Jakarta as well as in the provincial capitals Padang, Yogyakarta and Surabaya...’

‘...Protest organizer Ahmad Irhamul Fikri, spokesman for the Coordinating Board for Campus Proselytizing Institute, said bigger rallies will be staged next Friday in more Indonesian cities ahead of Obama's March 20-22 visit...’ (Yahoo News)

The good news for these Barry bashers is that THE ONE has delayed his trip, so he can ram Obama care up the asses of sovereign American individuals. The bad news for these Barry bashers is that, sooner or later, THE ONE will show up on your doorstep.

The good news for rational American adults is that THE ONE is leaving the country, again. The bad news is that Indonesia won’t keep him, so he’ll be back.

Compelling Canadian InKorrectness
Source: CBC [03/04/10]

Channeling their inner PIGster, some unknown Canadian wits thrilled the snot out of Siberian-Canadians, with their online advertisement. Promoting their "Native Extraction Service", they placed an advertisement on the Used Winnipeg cyberspace speed bump:

The ad, titled "Native Extraction Service," was posted on the website UsedWinnipeg.com, but was taken down by 1:38 p.m. CT on Thursday.

Underneath the title was a picture of three aboriginal males, who look to be in their mid to late teens.

The text of the ad read: "Have you ever had the experience of getting home to find those pesky little buggers hanging outside your home, in the back alley or on the corner???

Well fear no more, with my service I will simply do a harmless relocation. With one phone call I will arrive and net the pest, load them in the containment unit (pickup truck) and then relocate them to their habitat.

It doesn't matter if they need to be dropped off on Salter (Street, in Winnipeg's North End) or the rez, I will go that extra mile. The North End of Winnipeg is where many city dwellers of First Nations descent live."

"My service is free because I want to live in the same city you do, a clean one," the ad said. (CBC)

Believe it or not, some Siberian-Canadians are not the least bit amused by this outburst of entrepreneurial capitalism. In fact, they have their loincloths in a painful ‘Hate Crime’ knot over it.

North-Wilson/CBC)On Thursday, First Nations leaders at Manitoba Keewatinowi Okimakanak (MKO), an organization representing most First Nations communities in northern Manitoba, said they want police to investigate the ad as a hate crime. "The way it's worded, 'to relocate them to their habitat.' Here we are trying to teach our kids better. The kids out there are told they're not wanted", said MKO Grand Chief David Harper. "This is unacceptable." (CBC)

"Native Extraction Service"? That’s PIGish to the ‘nth degree’.

Holy Hookers, Batman!
Source: Fox News [03/02/10]

In addition to tending to the human soul, a self-defined holy man - Hindu swami Shiv Nyra Dwivedi - also provided pay for play services which ministered to certain ‘earthly’ needs. That’s right, PIGsters, this holy huckster was using his temple in south Delhi as a front for an impressive prostitution ring which deployed 200 horizontal entertainment specialists to horny clients, sometimes in 5-star hotels.

In his spiritual guise he claimed a following of more than 100,000 people, including leading politicians. Undercover officers arrested him, another alleged pimp and six alleged prostitutes including two flight attendants, one from British Airways and one from the Indian airline Jagson, on Friday evening, Delhi police said.

The six women, aged between 19 and 30 and including an MBA student, each gave fake Indian names, apart from one identified only as “Ms. Julie.” Delhi police did not specify their nationalities. BA told The Times that it was looking into the report.

A police statement said that the suspects were detained as the alleged pimps negotiated a deal with a group of young men near a cinema in the upmarket Saket neighborhood of the Indian capital. Police also found a network of tunnels and secret rooms at Dwivedi’s temple as well as six diaries and other documents detailing his alleged involvement in prostitution, according to media reports. (Fox)

Airline stewardess hookers? I sounds like the so-called plot of a porn flick.

Parting shot: Dwivedi’s sideline puts an interesting new spin on the phrase ‘when the spirit moves me’.

Nepal’s PIGish Speed Bump On The Calendar
Source: PIG News Wire [03/01/10]

For 10 glorious days, each year, the young ‘uns of two Nepalese villages exchange the kind of pleasantries which make a Free State of PIG staff meeting relentlessly thrilling. It’s the annual ‘cursing festival’ and it sounds like a properly PIGish good time:

The youngsters in the neighbouring villages of Parsawa and Laxmipur hurl insults at each other, their neighbours, villagers and passers-by -- and then laugh.

They gather in parks and other areas around straw heaped in the shape of a phallus to launch into the insults.

Insults like, "Monkey face, I hope your sons are as ugly as frogs," and "I hope your buffaloes die of diarrhea," ring out along with more obscene curses.

Village elders say the annual festival, which is just for youngsters, has been going on for as long as they can remember. (AFP)

I’d suggest a similar event here, in the USA, but, with a population as heavily armed as ours, that could get messy. Nah, I’ll just keep sharing those painful pleasantries all year long, as the need arises.

Relentlessly PIGish International Tales
Source: PIG News Wire [02/26/10]

Answering The Call of Booty
A German horndog, Daniele Eberhardt, was not a happy camper, after his main squeeze got busted, and thrown in a low security jail in the Brit Army garrison town of Bielefeld, Germany. A man in love needs more than daily visits where he trades sweet nothings, in a very public graybar visiting room. He needs a daily dose of ‘wham bam, thank you ma’am’. What’s a man in love to do, when those killjoys lock up his woman? What indeed.

Daniele Eberhardt, 33, scaled a ten-foot fence, dodged surveillance cameras and used a skeleton key made from a spoon to break into the low-security jail in the British Army garrison town of Bielefeld, Germany. For nearly a month the other female jailbirds were driven to distraction by the passionate moans coming from cell 13 in Detention House C7 of the jail for petty thieves, drug criminals and benefit fraudsters.

It got so bad that the convicts broke the unwritten law of the underworld and told guards about the couple's illicit trysts. Friedhel Sanker, deputy governor of the prison, said: "Some of the other women felt that their sleep was being disturbed, while others feared that the man might try to come and visit them, too. They were going at it quite energetically, apparently."

"It was like listening to a bad porno movie," one female inmate told a German newspaper. "Lots of grunting and groaning, whispering sweet nothings. It was very hard on us who didn't have anyone to cuddle up with. You have to hand it to him - it took some nerve to break into a place most people want to get out of!"

In response to complaints, prison officials installed a video surveillance camera. Sure enough, it caught Daniele on his nocturnal mating missions and he was arrested. (Daily Mail)

Daniele will still be getting a nightly jailhouse booty call, but I doubt he’ll enjoy it as much, when his partner is the Kraut equivalent of Bubba.

No Joking Matter, In Poland
Life is just one damn thing after another, as far as Leszek Stepien, 62, of Skwierzyna (Poland) is concerned. It’s enough to drive a man to drink, which our hero did, at some point in the festivities.

First, his truck broke down, compelling Leszek to head for the local garage, with the truck in tow. Unwilling to hire a tow truck, and lacking a suitable vehicle, to do his own towing, Leszek cast his bleary eyes on his trusty farm steed, Dobbin.

Dobbin managed to tow his drunk owner and the truck, without too much difficulty. All Leszek had to do was steer in a straight line, a task made unnecessarily challenging, in his drunk as a skunk condition:

The impromptu carriage ground to a halt when the farmer managed to steer straight into the path of an oncoming car, sending the truck tumbling onto its side.

Stepien wasn't about to take the blame for the collision, however. Uninjured, he sprang from the cab and proceeded to berate the poor beast, yelling: "This is all your fault."

Police were less than amused by the bizarre scene that greeted them, and revealed that the foolish farmer faces dire consequences for his flash of inspiration. "Luckily the horse wasn't injured but the owner is facing charges including animal cruelty and drink driving," said one officer, who revealed that Stepien had drunk enough to put him over twice the legal drink-driving limit. (Ananova)

If you’re compelled to try this at home, do us a favor and take LOTS of pictures.

‘Traveler’ Complains After A Bad Trip
Our hero - Stoner - knows what he likes, and when he doesn’t get it, he does something about it. In this case, he headed for a police station in southern Sweden to lodge a formal complaint about - I am not making this up - the quality of the hashish that he recently purchased. He wanted the Swedish cops to test it for traces of LSD.

The man told officers that his ganja had not delivered the desired effect, leaving him feeling decidedly ill-at-ease and in the midst of a nightmare scenario where his girlfriend resembled a dolphin.

The young dope fiend confirmed to police that he was a regular user of hashish. In his ten years of recreational use of the drug, classified as illegal in Sweden since 1930, he had never experienced such a bad trip, he told the police.

The man thus suspects that his hash could have been laced with a psychedelic substance, such as LSD.

The man told how that as he sucked on his joint, his television began to talk to him and he came to the realisation that his girlfriend was in fact a dolphin. (The Local)

My boob tube talks to me, all the time, and, more often than not, I am forced to respond with high volume pleasantries. On that other score - "my girlfriend looks like a dolphin" - I’m forced to admit that there’s something very fishy about that.

International News Nuggets
Source: PIG News Wire [02/19/10]

No Joy In J.O.E.
If those nifty drones can bag Jihadikazes in the war zone, why not use them for standard police work, such has locating fleeing suspects? It’s a perfectly reasonable question for which one Brit police department - the Merseyside Police - have the answer. As usual, they hit a speed bump, or two, on the way to this newfound knowledge.

The landmark arrest of a teenager fleeing from a stolen car could land police in court for illegally using an unmanned flying surveillance drone. The arrest, by Merseyside Police, was hailed as a step forward in policing history in a statement released to the media last week.

But the force may have committed a criminal offence since it did not have permission from the Civil Aviation Authority to fly its new Unmanned Aerial Vehicle.

Officers used the UAV, which is equipped with thermal imaging cameras, to pursue two suspects travelling in a stolen Renault Clio in Bootle in January. One 20-year-old was arrested at the scene, and a 16-year-old who ran away and hid in bushes 300ft away was tracked down by the UAV.

However, Merseyside Police appears to have overlooked new legislation brought in to address concerns about the safety implications of flying unmanned aircraft in built-up areas. (Ananova)

Despite its proven effectiveness, Merseyside’s UAV is grounded, indefinitely, until the relevant bureaucrats pull their heads out of their butts.

Southeast Asia Sand Wars?
Perched on an island off the southern tip of the Malay peninsula, Singapore is a city-state whose growth is limited by - DUH - the size of the island itself. It is what it is, and there’s no way to change that, or is there?

A London Telegraph news story reports that, since 1960, Singapore’s size has increased by 20%. How? The city-state has been importing sand for its on-going land reclamation and development projects. It was all going swimmingly for Singapore, until some of its Southeast Asian neighbors imposed a ban on exporting sand. What to do? What indeed.

Some eager capitalists seized the moment and faster than you can say ‘sand wars’, a thriving sand smuggling market is up and running. As expected, the ‘stolen’ sand’s rightful owners have unresolved ‘issues’ with that.

‘...Thieves have begun making night-time raids on the picturesque sandy beaches of Indonesia and Malaysia, carving out millions of tons of coastline and leading to fears of an imminent environmental catastrophe on a swath of tropical islands.

Singapore's land developers are now pitted against environmental groups, who claim several of the 83 border islands off the north coast of Indonesia could disappear into the sea in the next decade unless the smugglers are stopped.

"It is a war for natural resources that is being fought secretly," said Nur Hidayati, Greenpeace Indonesia spokesman. "The situation has reached critical levels and the tropical islands of Nipah, the Karimun islands and many small islands off the coast of Riau are shrinking dramatically and on the brink of disappearing into the sea. The smugglers have no problem getting it into Singapore and these boats are rarely intercepted by customs boats or the navy. The supply is constant."

Environmental activists claim sand smugglers visit the beaches of these islands during the night in small barges. They dredge the sand and then sail straight into Singapore port, where they sell it to international brokers...’

‘...The Singapore government has declined to comment but corruption has been blamed for much of the trade. Last month, 34 Malaysian civil servants were arrested for accepting bribes and sexual favours to facilitate sand smuggling to Singapore.

The main motorway from Malaysia to Singapore was blocked for most of the day last Monday when 37 lorries loaded with sand were abandoned after their drivers learnt of a customs operation at the border.

According to Malaysia's former prime minister, 700 lorries a day loaded with sand cross the border to Singapore...’ (Telegraph)

I seem to be the only one who sees the best way to resolve this situation. Instead of pissing off its neighbors, Singapore should strike a deal with the ‘more sand than we need’ mother lode: Saudi Arabia. Singapore could get the sand it needs, and the Sandbox could open up a new growth industry that isn’t linked to its limited pool of black gold.

Postal Punk Gives Mail Recipient a Finger Fleecing
The whining piece of shit at the heart of this story is a steaming pile of poop, mail-delivery asshole, Dennis Coleman. Dennis is the kind of rat bastard who makes this pagan scribbler’s blood boil. Fair warning, postal punk, I’m thisclose to coming over there to kick your caterwauling ass.

What, you ask, did Dennis do to piss off this notoriously mild-mannered pagan scribbler? What indeed.

While making his rounds, Dennis cut his middled finger while delivering mail to Martin Welch’s home. It happened, when the mailbox flap snapped shut and snagged turd boy’s middle finger. In record time, Dennis was giving Martin Welch a one-finger salute with that same finger, via a lawsuit. After doing the shyster fee math, Martin Welch let turd boy fleece him for £3,000, after turd boy refused his initial £500 settlement.

Mr Welch believes the accident in Stokesley, North Yorkshire, last March, occurred because Mr Coleman was rushing to finish his round.

But the postman said the letter box was dangerous because it incorporated a home-made draught-excluder. He said the cut to the finger on his dart-throwing hand was so severe that he was off work for six weeks.

Mr Welch was out at the time of the accident. He knew nothing of it until a claim document arrived from TMJ Legal Services. It said: ‘It will be alleged that you were in breach of your statutory duties under the Occupiers Liability Act 1957.’ It added that Mr Coleman would be seeking financial compensation due to ‘loss of opportunity to obtain prize money from darts competition’.

But within a few months of the accident, Mr Coleman was back on top form on the North East darts circuit, competing for the £750 top prize in the Teesside Ranking Event at Marton Country Club, Middlesbrough. (Daily Mail)

Martin, dude, this pile of post office crap gave you the royal shaft. In a perfect world, you’d ram a lawn dart up turd boy’s ass, and leave it there. How long should it stay there? It should stay put, until Dennis gets over himself, refunds your money - with interest - then volunteers to remove himself from the human gene pool, preferably courtesy of a ‘firing squad’ armed with lawn darts.

PIGish International News
Source: PIG News Wire [02/12/10]

Kiwi Doctor Gets Too Real
His patient is a very wide load. She’s such a wide load that she’s on a waiting list for that tonnage shedding desperate measure, gastric bypass surgery. While she’s in that queue, her doctor aimed her at more conventional tonnage shedding measures, adding some undoctorly pleasantries to punctuate his professional, medical advice:

A surgeon in New Zealand has received a dressing down for swearing at a severely obese patient. The female patient made the complaint after a very tense consultation with her surgeon last year.

The New Zealand Herald newspaper reports the doctor said "f..." at least three times after the 44-year-old obese woman told him she did not like the word "diet" and preferred the term "lifestyle". The doctor told his patient she was "going on a f...ing diet". (Australian Broadcasting Corporation)

After the caterwauling wide load whined about this badly needed dose of tough medical love, the unnamed sawbones cemented his PIG dude status, with more of the same:

‘...[The extra wide load] received a letter from the surgeon saying they no longer had a "therapeutic relationship" and her name had been removed from his waiting list...’

Predictably, the relevant Kiwi bureaucrat - New Zealand's Health and Disability Commissioner - got huffy about our PIG dude’s "insulting" and "unprofessional" conduct. He then proved that humor isn’t dead in New Zealand’s bureaucracy by telling our hero of plain speaking that he needs to attend a communications skills course.

A communications skills course? Bullshit! As far as I’m concerned, he got his message across with compelling efficiency. It’s not his fault that the bloated blob of blubber on the receiving end couldn’t handle it.

Scorned In Sweden
If you think the adage "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned" is mere hyperbole, get over it. If you can’t reach that intellectual epiphany on your own, maybe the following ‘scorned on steroids’ epic will get ‘er done:

An 18-year-old woman in northern Sweden has been charged with harassment after taping pictures of her ex-boyfriend's private parts on lampposts near his home. The scorned teen also scrawled her 24-year-old ex-boyfriend's name and phone number on the pictures, along with an unflattering comment about the size of his sex organ, Expressen reports.

Appalled that her former beau had ended their short dalliance, the 18-year-old peppered him with text messages imploring him to rethink matters. On hearing that he had met a 23-year-old woman and did not want anything more to do with her, the enraged poster girl swiftly redirected her ire at her new love rival. She began hanging up pictures of the woman, her cleavage heavily exposed, with a note suggesting she was a "slut" who was only interested in the 24-year-old for sex.

The 18-year-old also hurled eggs at, and affixed pictures to, her ex-lover's car. (The Local)

As bad as this sounds, it could have been much worse. Her ex-lover should thank the scorned wench didn’t go Lorena Bobbitt on his little soldier. It’s glass half full time in the PIGdom.

Lights Out In Hugostan
Source: Hot Air [02/09/10]

For our favorite Marxist moonbat, Hugo "Skipper" Chavez, life is one damn thing after another. Despite sitting on a large pool of oil, Skipper is still having trouble producing enough energy to keep the lights on in Hugostan.

In this case, Hugo’s surplus of crude oil is no help at all because most of Venezuela’s power is hydroelectric. That puts Skipper at the mercy of Mother Nature, a humor-challenged wench who is rewarding Hugo’s asinine antic with a power-draining drought:

President Hugo Chavez inaugurated a folksy new radio talk-show on Monday by declaring an “electricity emergency” in oil-rich Venezuela.

Despite its huge crude reserves, the South American OPEC member relies on hydro-electricity for 70 percent of its power needs, and a drought has hit supply since late 2009.

“We are ready to decree the electricity emergency, because it really is an emergency,” Chavez said in the first edition of a show on state radio air waves called “Suddenly Chavez.”

With electricity cuts weighing on Chavez’s popularity ahead of important legislative elections in September, the government blames the shortages on the drought and soaring demand during five years of economic growth until 2008.

But critics say poor management and under-investment have undermined the power grid and exposed the failings of Chavez’s “21st century socialism” policies during his 11-year rule.

Stealing a march on Orwell’s Big Brother, Skipper does a lot more than mere ‘watching’. He’s the Big Brother who won’t STFU. His hours-long "Hello M. President" Boob Tube blight was/is an exercise in yammering narcissism, but it's not enough for a legend in his own mind, like Skipper Chavez. Now, he’s kicking the assault on Venezuelan sanity up several notches with his "Suddenly Chavez" boom box bloviating, which seizes the radio airwaves, whenever Hugo gets a wild, ‘I need to talk’, hair up his fat Marxist butt. Hell on Earth? You better believe it SHUT UP FAT BOY, Sparky.

All things considered, a Hugo-silencing power outage would qualify as a sanity-saving blessing.

Wake Up, Sparky, I Need It NOW!
Source: News.au [02/09/10]

Stoned out of his mind, and sound asleep, our Aussie hero, Lionel Spratt, wasn’t rigged for action, when his lady friend got that itch only Lionel could scratch. Unwilling to wait for her man to snap out of it, she started the festivities without him. I know what you’re thinking, but it’s not THAT, mind in the gutter Sparky.

Pulling into Northern Territories pit stop, our terminally horny wench parked the ride, then walked around to the passenger seat, where, straddling Lionel, she initiated a different kind of ride. Unwilling to stop, once she got going, she didn’t allow anything, or anyone, to interrupt her road trip to ecstacy:

Prosecutor James Tierney said Spratt's friend drove up to the bowser closest to the shop, got out of the driver's side door and got in the passenger's side and sat on him. The service station attendant could see the pair "kissing passionately", and Mr Tierney said the attendant could hear loud moaning and the woman was "moving in ways that gave the impression the pair was having sexual inter course".

The attendant called the police, who arrived and asked the couple to stop. They did not, and Spratt was not arrested until 27 minutes later. The court was told that the two police officers had waited beside the vehicle for Spratt and his friend to "compose themselves". (News.au)

Proving that Aussie justice is blind, they gave the horny wench who was the, uh, prime mover a free pass and decided, instead, to nail Lionel, a dude who was, in every sense of the word, just along for the ride.

More Chinese Censorship
Source: PIG News Wire [02/05/10]

Painfully aware that the free exchange of ideas is the life blood of liberty, China’s Commie masters are systematically choking off the free flow of ideas, by any, and all, means at their disposal. That means a full, frontal, assault on a tyrant’s worst nightmare, that free speech bastion of ‘forbidden’ ideas, the Internet.

First, there was the great firewall of China. Next, came the banning of FaceBook, YouTube, and numerous other popular cyberspace speed bumps where ‘forbidden’ ideas, like inalienable individual liberty and/or Communism sucks, might be lurking. Determined to tame the cyberspace beast, China forced its citizens to register domain names with the state, before the all-powerful state would allow an individual to deploy a personal web site.

It was all going as planned, until that new terror of technology, the cell phone, became the preferred means to access the Internet for 750 million Chinese CellIdiots. What to do?

China Mobile, China's biggest cellphone operator and the world's biggest by market value, says that text messages would automatically be scanned for "key words" provided by the police to see if they contained "unhealthy" content. Implementing these new rules could be interesting. China Mobile subscribers sent more than 600 billion texts in 2008.

The text message content will be screened to see if it contains any of the 13 proscribed terms listed by nine government departments, including the description of sexual acts or human sexual organs, or any type of sexual innuendo.

China Unicom says text messages would only be blocked on cellphones if the number of indecent messages reached a certain amount or if other users submitted complaints.

Mobile phone users are worried that their privacy may be violated by the new rules. The Chinese constitution guarantees freedom of correspondence, and only in cases of criminal investigations can the public security bureau censor correspondence between people. However, given the levels of state surveillance that are allowed in China, there is unlikely to be a big fuss. (Daily Variety)

Censorship on steroids? You better believe it, Big Brother is Watching, Sparky.

Banning A Lethal Blade in J.O.E.
Source: PIG News Wire [02/05/10]

Brit officials are gearing up for new menace which is made - believe it or not - here in the good old USA. It’s called a ‘Wasp Knife’ and it sounds like an especially lethal implement. How deadly is it? Very, since its primary use is to kill sharks and bears.

Senior police officers have been warned to look out for a new knife which can inject a ball of compressed gas into its victim that instantly freezes internal organs.

The 'wasp knife', which can deliver a ball of compressed gas capable of killing its victim at the press of a button, may be heading for Britain, the Metropolitan Police fear. A needle in the tip of the blade shoots out the frozen ball of gas which instantly balloons to the size of a basketball, freezing organs.

The Metropolitan Police have told colleagues in the West Midlands to be on the lookout for the blade, which is designed to kill sharks and bears.

The manufacturer describes it as perfect for downed pilots, soldiers and security guards and boasts that it will "drop many of the world's largest land predators". It can snap-freeze all tissue and organs in the area surrounding the blast. (Daily Mail)

Here’s a PIGish bit of hyperventilating from a Brit Elected Tormentor, Labor MP, Khalid Mahmood:

"Weapons like this are absolutely disgraceful and there is no reason at all why people should be walking around the streets with them. There should be high-profile operations and high-profile arrests against anybody caught with them. The way to tackle the wider issue of knife crime is with effective community policing, which the West Midlands force does very well."

Khalid, dude, you've got your head up your ass. Knife crime wouldn’t be a knickers knotting menace in J.O.E., if its law abiding citizens had the right to keep and bear arms for their own self-defense.

Pakistan’s "Biggest Dick"
Source: Girlieman of the Week [02/05/10]

If you think NO NADs have cornered the market on penis envy, get over it. Besieged by feelings of inadequacy, certain pigmy-wanged officials in the Sandbox’s equivalent of America’s State Department black flagged Pakistan’s new ambassador from taking up a diplomatic post in the kingdom.

Why? Because Akbar Zeb, a distinguished diplomat, is Pakistan’s "Biggest Dick".

Confused? Don’t be. ‘Foreign Policy’ has all the turgid, John Holmes-worthy facts:

In Saudi Arabia, size does count.

A high level Pakistani diplomat has been rejected as Ambassador of Saudi Arabia because his name, Akbar Zib, equates to "Biggest Dick" in Arabic. Saudi officials, apparently overwhelmed by the idea of the name, put their foot down and gave the idea of his being posted there, the kibosh.

According to this Arabic-language article in the Arab Times, Pakistan had previously floated Zeb's name as ambassador to the United Arab Emirates and Bahrain, only to have him rejected for the same reason. One can only assume that submitting Zeb's name to a number of Arabic-speaking countries is some unique form of punishment designed by the Pakistani Foreign Ministry -- or the result of a particularly egregious cockup.

There might be hope for Pakistan after all, if its Foreign Ministry uses this dude’s knickers knotting name to torture its hypersensitive neighbors.

International PIGish News
Source: PIG News Wire [01/29/10]

Warp Speed De-Icing
From our ‘it seemed like a nifty notion’ news pile, we bring you the story about an ‘outside the box’ gem hatched by a 76 year old German dude. Faced with a car that was frozen by the on-going, Globally Warmed antics of Old Man Winter, our hero decided to speed up the thawing out process. How? He put a blow heater under the hood of his ride, switched it on, and waited for his idea to get the job done.

Did his idea succeed? That depends on how you define ‘success’.

"He burned the vehicle out completely," said a spokesman for police in the western city of Hildesheim. Police said the man left the heater on next to the frozen windscreen washer tank and returned indoors. Shortly afterwards he heard two explosions and returned to find the car ablaze. He alerted fire services, who arrived in time to prevent the flames destroying his house. Including charring of the building, total damages were estimated at 40,000 euros ($US56,240). (Stuff.co.nz)

If you decide to try this one at home, be sure and photograph the ensuing inferno. I’ll want to see pictures of THAT.

A Very Sticky Situation
An Aussie dude, named Gye Gardener, blundered into the PIG spotlight, when he hit his head on the boom of his truck, breaking the headset to his phone. From that point, it was one damn thing after another.

His first move was a good one: use some superglue to fix the headpiece to his phone. His next move - put it back into his ear before the glue had time to dry - wasn’t the smartest thing he’s ever done. I will, however, give him partial credit for duress, since he was prompted to do something that moronic, when he got a call from his boss.

By the time he had his ‘D’Oh’ moment, the glue had completed its assigned task, making his ear and the phone inseparable. What to do? What indeed.

"Usually it's in my ear all day anyway - friends suggested to leave it in there and just plug my ear into the powerpoint at night to charge it. But I did get a little worried and thought 'This is not good, this is really not good at all'."

Mr Gardner told the Northern Territory News it crossed his mind to use his pocket knife to remove the unwanted gear from his ear. "I realised I didn't want to see myself going to a doctor to put my ear back on after I chopped it off. So I used a spoon."

The 43-year-old said he scraped the earpiece out of his ear with a spoon but several pieces of skin were still stuck to the headphones. "Yes, it did hurt - but I guess I did hurt my pride much more than it did hurt my ear." (Northern Territory News)

This is where I’m supposed to rant about the terrors of technology, but I forego that pleasure, because I’m too busy laughing.

No Good Deed Goes Unpunished
Eager to increase awareness over the sad plight of the world’s orangutans, an Aussie zoo got a case of the cutes when it offered a "free Zoo entry for all rangas" during the ongoing school holidays. So what? So, in addition to denoting orangutans, the word ‘ranga’ is Aussie slang for redheads. If you think some gingers set their hair on fire over this utterly harmless play on words, give yourself a cookie.

"We seem to be getting quite a bit of a negative reaction to that request," said Zoos SA's director of conservation programs Kevin Evans. "People are possibly more sensitive about it than we thought. We have a campaign over the school holidays because of orang-utans being an endangered species - and so are human redheads. Because of the way people move around these days, the genes that carry redheads are breeding out to brunettes and blondes."

The zoo has dropped the ads but will continue to offer free entry to people with red hair for the next two weeks. Zoo staff will not seek proof that patrons are natural redheads: "We're not actually checking tops and tails, or anything like that," Mr Evans said. (Ananova, emphasis added)

Call me names if you must, but I love that last line about ‘checking tops and tails’. Congratulations Kevin, you’re our kind of dude.

Indonesian Islamikaze Insanity
Believe it or not, Islamikaze-infested Indonesia has its own cadre of professional killjoys. It’s called the Fatwa Commission and it’s probably more fun than you imagine.

Their greatest Fatwa hits include a bitch-slap for individuals who practice yoga plus a Fatwa bashing individuals who don’t vote in elections. As thrilling as that sounds, this Killjoy Cadre is mulling a new Fatwa and it’s another thriller.

Egged on by those relentlessly fun guys, Muslim clerics, the professional Fatwa wranglers are mulling a new edict that would ban individuals of the female persuasion from ‘having perms or straightening their hair, which they described as "inviting moral danger"...’

‘...[The Fatwa Commission is] now considering a request to tackle the craze among pupils in religious boarding schools. Clerics from East Java have also requested a fatwa banning dreadlocks, punk haircuts and "funky hairstyles".

Aminudin Yakub, the deputy secretary of the Fatwa Commission, said: "For now, we are yet to make an institutional decision on this. So far, we have not seen strong evidence to ban it. It could be discussed in future but right now it is not a priority."...’ (London Telegraph)

How exactly would they word this one? Hmmm. If they’re at a loss for words, I have some they can use when they admonish errant Islamikaze wenches: "When it comes to your hair, don’t ‘DO’ it."

Ronald McDonald Oinks Things Up in Singapore
Source: Reuters [01/22/10]

Eager to bolster their bottom line in their Far East franchises, the suits running McDonald’s decided to cash in on the forthcoming Lunar New Year holiday. How? They started selling a line of toys geared to the animals depicted on the Chinese zodiac calendar. So far, so good, until a spasm of Korrectness came back to bite them.

How, they asked themselves, can we suck up to the 75% of Singapore which is ethnically Chinese, without pissing off the notoriously tolerant 15% of Singapore denizens who are Mecca Maniac? Taking dead aim at the problem, the burger wranglers decided to expunge the Pig - which makes Islamikazes cranky - from the Chinese zodiac and replace it with a Valentine’s Day character, Cupid. What could possibly go wrong?

[T]he move, just ahead of the Lunar New Year holiday and Valentine's Day in February, backfired as many Chinese customers complained in chatrooms and blogs that they would not have a chance to buy the animal sign of their birth year.

"We're sorry, and we're grateful," the fast food chain said in a half-page advertisement in the Straits Times newspaper, saying it never intended to offend anyone.

Multi-racial Singapore has successfully avoided racial tension since deadly riots in the 1960s, though the government sees race as the biggest potential fault line in society.

"I understand that we need to respect our Muslim citizens as Singapore is a multiracial and multicultural society," Pauline Koh, whose daughter was born in the Year of Pig, wrote to the Straits Times. "However, in this case, the Pig is one of the Chinese zodiac signs -- part of Chinese culture and customs -- and it is just a soft toy, not food," she wrote. (Reuters)

Happily ever after? I doubt it, but the turmoil shapes up to be PIGish fun.

An Utterly PIG-Worthy Protest
Source: The Local [01/20/10]

It’s far from PIG-worthy, when some Swedish college students stage a protest at an outpost capitalism. Been there. Done that. So what?

It rates a second look, when the outpost of capitalism is a brewery. I know what you’re thinking and you’re WRONG.

This story is catapulted from ‘I’m listening’ to ‘Tell me EVERYTHING’, when you find out the reason for the protest. The students are protesting AGAIN, the brewery’s steadfast refusal to build a pipeline from the brewery to the Ivory Tower’s students’ union. A beer pipeline? We absolutely need a one of those for the PIG Bunker.

“Hopefully we’ll get a pipeline relatively soon,” student union chair Alexander Westerling told the Göteborgs-Posten (GP) newspaper ahead of his negotiations with the brewery.

Westerling was joined by roughly 50 other students from Chalmers University of Technology who marched into the Carlsberg Brewery in Falkenberg, south of Gothenburg. The demonstration was part of a tradition started in 1959 when the Chalmers University student union purchased one share in what was then known as Pripp & Lyckholm, part of the company which operated the brewery until it was purchased by Carlsberg in 2000.

The stock purchase gave the students a seat at the company's annual shareholders meeting, allowing them an opportunity to push the brewery to build a roughly 100 kilometre long pipeline to the university in order to facilitate the supply of beer to the Chalmers’ student union. But progress on building the pipeline has been slow over the last five decades. So far, only two metres of pipe have been laid – one near the university, and one near a now abandoned brewery in central Gothenburg. No further construction has taken place since 1968. (The Local)

This is one student protest the Free State of PIG can support. "No pipeline, no peace."

PIGish World News
Source: PIG News Wire [01/15/10]

Gravity Kicks Lardass

The headline and the subhead, from this London Telegraph story give you almost all of the essentials:

Weight Watchers clinic floor collapses under dieters

The floor of a Weight Watchers clinic in Sweden collapsed beneath a group of 20 members of the weight loss programme who were gathered for a meeting.

If that’s not enough to make you laugh like a mental patient, this final bit of prose might get the job done:

The cause of the floor's collapse remains under investigation.

You can bet the fat farm that the group of Swedish wide loads who made the floor collapse weren’t members of the legendary Swedish Bikini Team.

Too Much of a Good Thing

It’s not breaking news, when a Scottish ski resort stays closed in winter.

It’s still not breaking news when the ski resort closure is due to the quantity of snow.

However, when a Scottish ski resort is staying closed because they have TOO MUCH snow, that’s a show stopper.

Cairngorm Mountain in northeast Scotland more often deals with a lack of snow but this year it is grappling with a different problem -- 185 centimetres (73 inches) of snow since Christmas in the worst bout of winter weather since the 1970s.

Resort staff toiled all day Thursday to clear snow, but they arrived back Friday to find their hard work was in vain after strong winds blew snow across access roads, creating 15 foot (4.6 metre) high drifts. "We have come in this morning and it feels like groundhog day -- all our work yesterday has been filled in again," said Colin Matthew, the head of ski patrol. "The mountain and all facilities, access roads and car parks will be closed today to allow digging out after major drifting during the storm."

The resort's snow ploughs cannot even get through the drifting and it has had to hire special heavy diggers, said resort spokesman Colin Kirkwood, adding it could be Monday before the resort reopens. (AFP)

When the Hot Air Buffoon hears about all this Globally-Warmed snow creating chaos, he’ll start bellowing about a new Ice Age. Now that’s MY idea of a very inconvenient truth.

Picky, Picky, Picky
Source: News.au [01/08/10]

It’s accurate to state that, during a visit to Darwin, in Australia’s Northern Territories, that the locals made a vivid, lasting, impression on United States Marine Captain John Campbell. It’s equally accurate to state that many Darwin denizens think Capt. Campbell should keep his response to that lasting, vivid impression to himself, instead of spewing his ‘Ugly American’ class drivel in a letter to the local Aussie fishwrap.

Capt. John Campbell said the city's women wore too little to attract "nice men" after he spent a night out on Mitchell Street, The Northern Territory News reports.

"It's about having standards, ladies. What are standards? Well, it can begin by dressing in a manner that leaves something to the imagination, to say the least."

"Ladies have been conned into thinking that just because you have it means you should flaunt it. Come on ladies, don't send us mixed messages. That's what you do every time you dress with less than nothing on."

One local, a 19 year nightclub dancer, has a ready response for Capt. Campbell: "Put it where the sun doesn’t shine."

Parting shot: Is Capt. Campbell a free ranging prude who is complaining about the QUANTITY of booty on display? Or, is Capt. Campbell a free ranging booty connoisseur who is complaining about the QUALITY of the booty on display? It’s enquiring minds time in the FSOP.

Utterly PIGish World News
Source: PIG News Wire [01/08/10]

Smiting, or ‘Shit Happens’?
The focal point of this explosive tale is a ‘safehouse’, located in the commercial center of Karachi (Pakistan). As things turned out, the house wasn’t quite safe enough to protect its Jihadikaze inhabitants from their own ham-fisted ineptitude.

The key components of this epic are 8 Jihadikazes from the terrorist infested Swat Valley, an unknown quantity of explosives, and rampant stupidity. If you see where we’re headed, don’t spoil it for the merely mortal.

Pakistani officials say at least eight suspected militants have been killed in an explosion at their safehouse in the commercial center of Karachi. Investigators say the suspected militants accidentally detonated the explosives Friday, destroying the safehouse. Bomb squads helped search through the rubble. Police say some of the victims are militants and at least two suspects have been arrested. Officials also recovered guns, grenades, suicide vests and other explosives from the scene. (Voice of America News)

I suspect it went down something like this:

Grizzled Jihadikaze Veteran: "Whatever you do, don’t touch that button, until you’re ready to scores some heavenly virgin booty."

Horny Jihadikaze Greenhorn: "Don’t touch what? Oh, you must mean THIS." CLICK...KA-BOOM

A Terrors of Technology Tale
Three members of Pakistan’s national field hockey team learned some essential things during an international meet in Argentina, last month. First, and foremost, they found out that what happens in Argentina doesn’t stay in Argentina. Second, and equally important, they found out that ‘World Wide Web’ means that those Islamikazes back home, will notice when someone posts images of you acting ‘unIslamic’ on a FaceBook page.

Our hapless victims of globe-spanning technology are a player on the team named Rehan Butt, a team coach named Shahid Ali Khan, and a team manager named Asif Bajwa. Their alleged sin is no big deal, to a rational adult, but, it’s a big hairy deal, to Pakistan’s Islamikaze prudes.

Pictures run by a Pakistani television channel and posted on the Internet showed one of the men hugging a woman and another apparently drinking a beer. Another picture showed a group of men sitting at a table with glasses in front of them, apparently containing alcohol.

Bajwa told Dunya Television the woman in the photograph was a tournament liaison officer. "All officials and players considered her as our sister," Bajwa said before the fines were imposed. The pictures were taken at the end of the tournament, after Pakistan lost in the final to New Zealand, and the woman had put the pictures on her Facebook page, he said. (Reuters)

And what, you ask, is the penalty for acting ‘unIslamic’? For Rehan Butt the fine is 100,000 rupees ($1,175). For the other two men, the fine is 50,000 each ($600).

Parting shot: Since field hockey is, inexplicably, Pakistan’s national sport, I’m compelled to ask if these dudes would still be nailed for unIslamic behavior if the team had defeated, instead of lost to, the Kiwi team in the finals.

What The Hell Were You Thinking, Dude
For reasons I won’t try to understand, a German dude decided that an airport security checkpoint was the perfect place to road test a snarky witticism about wearing exploding underwear. It was not an idea whose time had come.

A 42-year-old man from Stuttgart ruined his family’s holiday to Egypt on Tuesday after he was overheard telling an acquaintance he had explosives his underwear while going through airport security.

When asked if he had made such a claim by security officials he admitted that he had made a bad joke. He was then promptly arrested and thoroughly searched for explosive materials.

Though nothing suspicious was found, he and his entire family were barred from going on their flight by the airline. Besides not having their trip refunded, the joker now stands to be fined up to €1,000 for being a public nuisance. (The Local)

Smooth move, Einstein.

Not Now, I’m Busy
Source: Fox [12/31/09]

Our heroine, 29 year old Paula Thomas, was busy fixing a lavish Christmas feast, when her unexpected guest changed the holiday meal timetable for this denizen of St Austell, Cornwall (J.O.E.). Admittedly, ‘unexpected’ isn’t quite accurate, but it’s suitable for our purposes.

Paula didn’t miss a beat, when she felt the first pre-birth contraction. Instead of abandoning the meal to attend to other, pressing, issues, she kept on basting the turkey, until the contractions were 3 minutes apart. By then, she had tweaked her timetable to allow for childbirth, and what a timetable it was:

Item 1: Hubby Damian drives her to the hospital.

Item 2: An hour after Paula arrives at the hospital, her daughter, Lexi, is born.

Item 3: A little over an hour after giving birth to daughter, Lexi, Paula was back home, enjoying her Christmas feast with her family.

Hubby Damian said a mouthful when he proclaimed that his lovely bride is "one in a million".

Parting shot: I’m compelled to share this PIG-worthy Paula Thomas quote with you: "No one could believe I'd come out so quickly. I really wanted my Christmas dinner — I was starving. I had prepared most of the dinner before I went into labor so everything was in the oven."

Begging For Sanctuary in Bella Italia
Source: PIG News Wire [12/31/09]

If you think your family festivities are hellish, get over it. A Sicilian man, with what has to be the family from hell, went to great lengths to avoid spending another New Year’s Eve with his wife and relatives. What lengths? You’ll be impressed, why didn’t I think of that, Sparky.

The 35-year old Sicilian first showed up at a police station on Thursday asking to be arrested because he preferred spending the night in prison rather than with his family, but was rebuffed because he had not committed a crime, the Agi news agency said.

The man immediately went to a tobacco shop next door, where he threatened the owner with a box cutter as he grabbed a few sweets and a packet of gum. He then waited until police arrived to arrest him for robbery, the news agency said. (Reuters)

The good news is that this stunt worked, in the short run. The bad news is that, sooner or later, he will be forced to go back home where there will be a hellish reception awaiting him.

Giving Her Space In China
Source: AFP [12/28/09]

The suits running a shopping center in China have boldly gone where not even the executives at Wal-Mart would dare to go. In fact, if someone suggested this idea to an American outpost of capitalism, they’d be an unemployment statistic in a heartbeat. What is this ‘don’t even think about it’ idea? You’re going to be thrilled:

A shopping centre in China has opened a car park that offers women drivers bigger-than-normal parking spaces to accommodate what it sees as their special needs.

Wang Zheng, an official at the Wanxiang Tiancheng shopping centre in Hebei province's Shijiazhuang city, told AFP Monday the women-only parking lot aimed to address women's "strong sense of colour and different sense of distance."

The spaces are "one metre wider than normal parking spaces," Wang said, adding that the mall had "installed signs and security monitoring equipment that corresponded more to women's needs." (AFP)

Is this sexism on steroids? Or, is this a shrewd marketing move? I’ll let you make that call, ‘she’s unsafe at any speed’ Sparky.

Santa Saves The Day
Source: PIG News Wire [12/25/09]

The bad news for a pair of Aussie boogie boarders is that their timing sucked, because they perpetrated their life endangering antics during nasty rip tide, when all the normal lifeguard patrols were done for the day. The good news for our pair of Aussie boogie boarders is that their life endangering antics just happened to coincide with Santa’s seashore landing with a bagful of goodies for a surf club’s annual Christmas party. Timing, as the saying goes, is everything.

More than 100 surf club members watched as Santa and two patrol members hauled two boogie boarders to safety after were swept out to sea in a strong rip about 6.30pm. Santa and a sack-full of lollies had just been loaded onto an inflatable rescue boat for his grand beachfront entrance at the surf club's Christmas Party when an urgent rescue call came through.

In front of eager kids on the sand and parents overlooking from the balcony, Santa emerged from behind Cosy Corner and tore across the sea to the drama unfolding at Point Danger.

A young boy in his mid-teens was struggling in the water after losing his boogie board and had been swept 30 metres away from his older male companion. The male companion, believed to be in his late 20s, had become exhausted and was struggling to stay above water despite the rescue attempts of two surfers who had swum across and offered a board as leverage.

Rob McAlister, a club patrol captain who drove the rescue and co-ordinated the rescue, said Santa remained in character the whole time as he helped pull the stricken boarders into the boat. ''They were in huge trouble, the two board-riders were really struggling with the whole situation,'' McAlister said. (Geelong Advertiser)

As fun as that sounds, it gets better, because Santa wasn’t your requisite grizzled senior. In this case, Santa was 15-year-old Iggy Rudd, a teenager who proved that he’s got the right stuff, when it’s needed. The surf club membership agrees with that contention, because they honored his life-saving heroics, by making him an honorary member of the club.

PIGish International News
Source: PIG News Wire [12/25/09]

Dressed For Success
Our eager volunteer, Christos Constantinou, filed his human gene pool improvement volunteer application, while on a hunting trip near the northern Greek town of Nemea, Chalkidiki. Eager to bag a wild boar for a traditional, seasonal, feast, Christos did his best to deceive the wily beast. How? You’re going to be thrilled.

Disguised in dark goat skins, Christos hoped to elude detection long enough to bag his boar. Did he succeed? That depends on how you quantify success. We can’t be certain if he fooled any wild boar. We can state with certitude that our volunteer’s disguise did succeed in fooling some fellow hunters who gave him the thrilling ‘application approved’ news, with a perfectly aimed fusillade.

DOA? You better believe it, congratulations you’ve just been deselected, Sparky.

Strange Crime Hotline Calls
In theory, the Brit charity group's hotline, Crimestoppers, should be no harm, no foul, since it allows citizens to report crimes anonymously. In practice, the infamous Brit busybody is tying up this potentially valuable, crime-fighting, resource with dumb stuff like this:

A Mall Santa who reeks of cheap booze.

A snowman who has been ‘wanged’ thanks to an extra, strategically located, carrot.

Showball fights, sledding tykes, poorly gritted roads.

Topping it off, so far, is this gem: ‘Another homeowner called to complain that his flashing, outdoor Father Christmas display had gone missing. The man claimed he was the victim of jealous neighbours trying to sabotage a Christmas lights competition in his street.’ (24 Dash).

As fun as that sounds, 2009 also included some memorable Crimestoppers gems: A prisoner called to report that his toilet roll had been stolen. A shopper spotted Osama bin Laden in a Brit department store. Someone reported a man with two broken arms and an injured leg motoring down the road. A woman found her bald neighbor’s use of a hairdryer suspicious. A stoner complained that his dealer cheated him by selling him tree bark instead of weed.

Finally, we have troubling news about a beloved cartoon character: one informant described a drug dealer as "looking like Popeye". Say it isn’t so, spinach man. Say it isn’t so!

Positively PIGish International News
Source: PIG News Wire [12/18/09]

Panty-Wadding Advertising Prose
Labatt’s Blue is, technically, a brewskie, but it’s not the kind of brewskie we want, or need, at a PIG staff meeting/melee. Why? Labatt’s Blue is a "de-alcoholized". De-alcoholized? UGH! Feel free to quote me on that one.

Eager to boast about this brewskie’s safe at any speed status, Labatt decided to put a suitably seasonal spin in their advertising, with an utterly PIGish tag line: "Leave one out for Santa. He’s driving." Clever? Hell yes. A nifty way to promote a don’t drink and drive message? You bet. No harm no foul? Nope. The usual suspects have ‘issues’ with the tag line.

[S]ome consumers say it sends the wrong message. "I don't think that's quite appropriate," said Kathleen Clifford, 65, who saw the ad at a Mac's at Gerrard and Mutual Sts. yesterday.

"Children see that and they think we'd better leave beer for Santa instead of cookies and milk." she said. "I have grandchildren and great-granchildren and I don't approve of it. "Maybe I'm an old fuddy-duddy."

Another woman said she wasn't offended, but could see how it might offend. "I also don't have children, so I'm fairly indifferent to it," said Maryann Green, 22, a Ryerson University student. (Toronto Sun)

Labatt insists that its beverage is being sold as a safe alternative for those who plan to hit the road during the Christmas season, and they’re backing up that contention, nicely.

"It's reminding people, especially during this holiday season, when people are going out to celebrate, not to drink and drive," said Catherine Pringle, corporate affairs manager of Labatt Breweries of Canada. "Some of the posters direct people to makingaplan.ca, which is a website to plan ahead and reinforcing people not to drink and drive," she said. (Sun)

The FSOP salutes Labatt Breweries for doing their part to make the highways and byways a bit safer around Christmas.

An Italian Christmas Furor
A courthouse in Verona (Italy) is ground zero for a panty-wadding melee which rivals the fictional furor in Shakespeare’s ‘Romeo And Juliet’. The key elements are Verona’s chief Public Prosecutor, Mario Giulio Schinaia, and a nativity scene that he deployed in the courthouse. I know what you’re thinking and it’s not THAT.

Given its status as Rosary True Believer world headquarters, the Italians are okey dokey with a nativity scene in the public square. On the other hand, they’re having unresolved ‘issues’ with the fact that, bowing to historical accuracy, the chief Public Prosecutor deployed a - TA DA - black-skinned Jesus in his manager.

"History teaches us that baby Jesus and his parents were very probably dark-skinned," Mr Schinaia said. "This nativity belongs to a universal Christmas tradition that brings together the whole of Christianity in celebration." (Daily Mail)

I’m guessing that Public Prosecutor Schinaia did this to spit in the eye of a right-wing political cabal, the Northern League, which just mounted a headline grabbing campaign against some embedded colonistas:

The nativity's appearance coincides with the right-wing Northern League's controversial operation 'White Christmas', a two-month sweep ending on Christmas Day to ferret out foreigners without proper permits in Coccaglio, a small League-led town east of Milan.

The Northern League, an ally of conservative Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi with key cabinet posts including the interior ministry, has used its growing political clout to secure tough new laws including making illegal immigration a crime.

League proposals have ranged from separate buses and trains for immigrants to banning new mosques and forbidding the serving of Chinese food and kebabs in towns under its control. (Daily Mail)

Did a melanin-enriched Cross Dude have the desired impact? Apparently:

The nativity has caused heated reactions in the rich northern town, where resentment towards foreigners has spread as the number of immigrants, particularly from north Africa and eastern Europe, continues to rise.

"It is a useless act of provocation, just like the suggestion not to have a nativity scene at all, in order not to offend Muslims," Northern League farm minister Luca Zaia told one newspaper, referring to proposals in recent years that town halls and stores should no longer sponsor Christmas scenes. (Daily Mail)

A black Jesus in the manger begs the obvious question: If some American official deployed one in an U.S. courthouse, would the egregiously politically correct ACLU still get stupid and snarky about it? It’s Enquiring Minds time again in the PIGdom.

Health & Safety Grinches
The denizens of Dobwalls in Cornwall (J.O.E.) took a long hard look at the roundabout (traffic circle) outside their small village and decided to give it a badly needed upgrade for Christmas. How? They deployed, and decorated, an 8 foot Christmas tree in the center of the roundabout’s drab lawn. Taking no chances, they pulled out all the stops while erecting it.

A local who runs Head or Tales newsagents, explains:

"We thought we'd try to brighten up the roundabout for Christmas and put up the tree, complete with baubles and tinsel. We tried to make an effort to brighten things up. It is just unbelievable it has happened - the tree was doing no harm to anyone and certainly wasn't any sort of risk."

He added that the 8ft Norwegian Spruce, which was donated by a farmer, was wedged securely two feet into the ground and that all the decorations were tied on with cable ties. "We were very careful not to put anything in there that wasn't securely attached and we didn't want anything that was a hazard in any way. The tree itself was two feet in the ground and was wedged into the ground. The wedges were driven in with a sledgehammer." (Daily Mail)

Within hours of its deployment, the town’s colorful upgrade to the local roundabout was gone, but it wasn’t the work of local hooligans. It was someone much more dangerous than rampaging YOBs. This outburst of Grinchiness was perpetrated, in the name of - TA DA - Health & Safety, by road wrangling retards:

A Highways Agency spokesman said the tree could be a danger to road users. He said: "Our policy is to ensure the safety of road users by removing any unauthorised items placed on our roundabouts or roads. Anything that causes a distraction or impairs visibility presents a real danger to motorists on high speed roads. The tree has been taken to a nearby depot, where it can be collected by the owner. Alternatively, if the owner wishes, we can arrange to have the tree taken to a suitable site, where it can be enjoyed safely by the local community."

The FSOP suggests that the best place to deploy this tree is up the ass of the road wrangling retard who declared it a threat to Health & Safety.

PIGish World News
Source: PIG News Wire [12/11/09]

Look Out Below!
Eager to go ‘green’ on their utilities, a hotel in Stockholm (Sweden, DUH) decided to install geothermal heating. No harm, no foul? Yes, and no. There’s nothing wrong with installing a geothermal heating system. There is, however, a "holy crap" moment in the offing, when the crew doing the drilling, doesn’t know that there’s a subway line down below. D’oh? You better believe it, Sparky.

‘...[A work crew’s] drilling punctured the subway line and crushed the side panel of the driver’s carriage of a train that was waiting on the tracks. “They drilled right down onto a subway train,” Lars-Erik Baarsen, station officer at Södermalms Police, told news agency TT.

After the workers had drilled to a depth of 20 to 25 metres, the team noticed that the resistance to the drill disappeared. “They then withdrew the drill and discovered that two-and-a-half metres of the drill was missing,” Baarsen said.

Meanwhile, down in the tunnel, the driver of the subway train was shocked when the side panel of his carriage was suddenly crushed by something from above...’ (The Local)

While ‘experts’ try to determine if the drill itself, or something that it knocked loose, hit the subway train, local justice system officials are cutting to the chase. They are trying to determine if they have grounds for a charge of ‘gross negligence causing a public danger’. Gross negligence? Endangering the public? You better believe it ‘look out below’ Sparky.

When Gum Bites Back
I’m smelling another Ruskie media hoax, here, but, the yarn is such a hoot, I’ll share it with you anyway. This explosive whooper features chewing gun, citric acid, and "some kind of explosive material" which our hero, a 25 year old chemistry student whom I’ll call Einsteinovich, had on a table.

This jaw-dropping tale centers on the fun fact that Einsteinovich likes to dip his chewing gum in citric acid. The fun went from yawn, to WOW, when Einsteinovich dipped his gum in the wrong substance. Mistaking the explosive substance for the citric acid, Einsteinovich, dipped his gum in the ka-boom powder, chomped down on the gum and, faster than you can say TA DA, he blew his jaw off.

Normally, I’d give this one my coveted human gene pool improvement volunteer of the week award, but not this time. The Ruskies are notorious hoaxsters, and this sounds like one of their more imaginative ones. Nice try, Ruskie dudes, but I’m not THAT gullible.

Globe-Spanning PIGish Adventures
Source: PIG News Wire [12/03/09]

A LOCO Motive
With way too much time on their hands, some German train buffs decided to build their own railway conveyance, out of the materials they had on hand. When they finished cobbling together their salvaged train parts and garden furniture, they fitted it with an electric motor, then improvised a ‘refreshments car’ from a beer crate.

Pleased with their handiwork, they studied the train tables, picked a time when no train traffic was scheduled, then took their homemade locomotive on the road.

Police in Erfut, Germany, were alerted after residents of properties adjoining the railway spotted the unorthodox vehicle - and were aware that there should have been no traffic running. Police however had to call in a helicopter to find and follow the makeshift train as the police cars could not follow it along the tracks. The helicopter pilot was able to radio ahead to other officers who set up a makeshift barrier at a station to stop it. (Ananova)

I’m sorry to report that the killjoys in positions of justice system authority black flagged our six railway buffs, then piled on, by charging them with endangering public safety. Life is so sucky, that way.

Who Invited You?
A Peruvian groom, Edwin Ortiz, was locked and loaded with the right ‘I do’ answer, when the nuptials hit an unexpected speed bump. What speed bump? The mother of Edwin’s two children showed up, accompanied by her mother, sisters and aunts, all of who were determined to make THEIR feelings about Edwin known.

One moment, the 27-year-old Peruvian was sitting happily in a large wedding hall with 17 other couples, declaring his love for his wife-to-be to TV cameramen in the southern town of Miraflores. The next, two women relatives of his ex-partner burst into the room, rushed up to Ortiz and began pounding on his head and back while screaming at him. The burly women eventually shoved him and his mother outside into a parking lot, where the ex-partner joined in, Miraflores spokesman Julio Hincho said Wednesday. (Stuff.co.nz)

Eventually, the cops arrived to rescue Edwin from the outraged women, who were promptly bagged, tagged, and dragged to the wedding crashers wing of the local graybar hotel.

When last seen, Edwin was attempting to defuse an explosive situation, by assuring his bride-to-be that he’s not, as the mother of his children claims, still married to his former ‘girlfriend’. Good luck with THAT, dude.

For now, Edwin’s nuptials are on hold, while he sorts out his marital status.

Curses
A Kiwi thief got a lot more than he, she, heshe or it wanted, or needed, after stealing a terra cotta flower pot from a Gulf Harbour home, in Auckland. The item in question is more then just another butt-ugly flower pot. It’s infused with a gender bending curse.

The owner says it contains his African witchdoctor grandma's ashes and is now cursed. In a letter to the Rodney Times, At du Plooy says his grandmother was a sangoma or witchdoctor who died in Africa aged 93.

A medium, he keeps in contact with her spirit and thought they could trace the pot, but grandma is unfamiliar with the area concerned. Instead, she has cursed a one kilometre area around the pot with sex-change ions – meaning men may gradually change to women and vice versa. Dumping the contents won’t break the spell, he says, only its return.

If you live in New Zealand and your friend, neighbor, relative, starts sprouting non-standard ‘gear’, get the hell out of Dodge, Sparky. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

E-Mail Comments To: pig@pigazette.com

• • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •

• • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •