We've all watched alleged entertainers sell their soul to Madison Avenue to market virtually every product imaginable, all with the vain hope that, we'll shell out our hard-earned money because some over priced 'star' endorsed some capitalist's wares. Capitalism is cool, but we do have one pesky complaint. These celebrities never seem to endorse a product that embodies the essence of who and what these high price hucksters really are.

That all changed when we got inspired by a news item about a Chinese condom maker. This firm is introducing a new condom line named after Bill Clinton and another condom line named after Bill's Oval Office playmate, Monica Lewinski, but PIG decided that anything those commie scumbags can do, we can do much, much better. Throwing modesty out the window - as if any PIG reader would believe we would recognize modesty if it fell on us - PIG dares to boldly go where even the commie condom makers fear to tread.

PAM ANDERSON'S "CANS"
Ladies, are you tired of getting ahead with your brains while some bubblehead gets promoted for crossing her legs and taking deep breaths? Maybe it's time to kick your career into high gear with Pam Anderson's wildly successful "CANS" self-promotion system. In record time, armed with a vacant look and a full sweater "CANS" will have you and your new, improved cleavage living large in your spacious office on executive row.

JUSTIN BIEBER'S "DOUCHE"
Are you a pretty boy pimple on humanity's butt? Do you wonder why your 'musical' caterwauling, which ignites an inferno in prepubescent panties, doesn't earn the respect of rational adults? You need 'DOUCHE', Justin Bieber's attention-grabbing new clothing line. It's Douche- Tastic and it's only a phone call away.
[Order today and Douche Fashions will include the Jiffy Pop option in your spiffy new Douche headgear, for free!]

BARRY BONDS "JUICED"
Are you a journeyman athlete who just spotted the end of that pro sports career on the distant horizon? Is that "I'll never make the hall of fame at this rate" reality check keeping you awake at night? You need Barry Bonds' "JUICED" an energy formula that will turn you into a muscular behemoth who makes the Incredible Hulk look like a wimp. The instant you get "JUICED" even your bunts will sail over the center field wall. Don't delay, try Barry's way, get juiced today. [Warning: Getting "JUICED" doesn't guarantee that you too can beat Babe Ruth's record, but it will make those random drug tests much more thrilling.]

HUGO CHAVEZ'S "CLOWN"
Are you a two-bit hack who stumbled into the presidency of a punk-ass South American country? Are you looking for a way to inflate your petty tyrant credentials into worldwide renown? You need Hugo Chavez's "CLOWN" a proven political platform that will have the world beating a path to your door. [Disclaimers: "CLOWN" does not guarantee that you'll achieve Hugo-class success unless, like the "CLOWN" prince, you, too, are sitting on an ocean of oil. There are, in isolated cases, reports that excessive "CLOWN" usage will give you delusions that Uncle Sam is getting ready to stomp you.]

HILLARY CLINTON'S "SHREW"
Tired to living in your famous hubby's shadow? Hillary Clinton's "SHREW" perfume line does more than make you reek like a two bit hooker; it is guaranteed to turn you into a acid tongued Harpy who will terrify the most hard nose news punk into tossing you softball questions. (Using Hillary, Ltd's "SHREW" does not guarantee you a presidential nomination, but it damn sure doesn't hurt to give it a try anyway.)

TOM CRUISE'S "BEARD"
Are you a dude with something to hide and you're tired of the intolerable restrictions of the closet? Don't waste your money putting a cable hookup in your hallway refuge, because America's most famous couch jumping midget has just what you need: "BEARD", TOM CRUISE's proven, time-tested, adventure in stealth socializing. [Disclaimer: "BEARD" may make you feel like you're 10 feet tall, but that 'growth spurt' is all in your mind.]

MILEY CYRUS' "BURNING BUSH"
Are you a marginally attractive, barely legal, wench who has tried 'everything' to make a lasting impression on hormone gorillas? Is the dreaded specter of perpetual wall flower looming much too large? Do you need something to tweak your inner 'slut'? You need Miley Cyrus' "BURNING BUSH", a miracle product which will ignite a raging inferno in your loins. Twerk, Inc guarantees the kind of fire in the hole which heretofore was only available with a rampaging dose of VD. Order today, so you, too, can dazzle the dudes, by relentlessly rubbing your nads against any phallic-shaped object.

HOWARD DEAN'S "HOWL"
If you need an incoherent noise to scare the pants off your friends and neighbors, then Howard Dean's comprehensive "HOWL" public speaking course is made to order.

CLINT EASTWOOD'S "CLINT SQUINT"
Do you crave a sure fire response to life's annoyances which don't merit a Second Amendment solution? Tired of those coupon clutching crones clogging the supermarket checkout? Is that scumbag who brought your shit-faced daughter home after curfew begging for it? You need Eastwood's "CLINT SQUINT", a steely-eyed stare that will git 'er done for you, every time. If you order today, you'll receive - in addition to detailed instructions on this foolproof countermeasure - a set of tag lines to use with your "CLINT SQUINT". Tag lines include: "Go ahead, make my day", "Do you feel lucky, punk?", "A man has to know his limitations" and many more. [.44 Magnum not included]

LOUIS FARRAKHAN'S "PARANOIA"
Are you trying to build a following and need a "spark" to galvanize your followers? One treatment of Louis Farrakhan's "PARANOIA" will have you detecting the sinister plot behind that dripping faucet and the hidden, racist, code embedded in "Do you want fries with that?" (Known side effects: Regular "PARANOIA" users report an inexplicable urge to hum calypso music.)

WHOOPI GOLDBERG'S "DOG"
Do you wish there was some way to make your appearance, memorable? Are you tired of spending hours making yourself presentable but nobody seems to notice? You sound like a prime candidate for "DOG", Whoppie's bold new concept in female cosmetics. One application of "DOG" and your attitude about mirrors will be changed forever. [Warning: Continued use of "DOG" might make small children run away screaming when you enter a room.]

JESSE JACKSON JR'S "PSYCHOBABBLE"
Are you an ethically-challenged twerp who built a political career on his Ethnocrat daddy's fame? Are those damn feds nipping at your heels and making life much too 'thrilling'? You need Jesse Jr's "PSYCHOBABBLE", his patented jail-avoiding escape strategy. Thanks to "PSYCHOBABBLE" you'll be armed with all the pertinent symptoms of a psychological malady, so you too can elude that painful justice system encounter. Which rathole will you use "bipolar", "PTSD", or one of a thousand others spelled out in "PSYCHOBABBLE"? Order today, before they show up at your office door with an arrest warrant.)

TEDDY KENNEDY'S "FLASK"
Are you so bored with your own bloviating that you need a tipple to get you through the work day? Teddy Kennedy's "FLASK" is the answer to your problems. Emulate Teddy: Never leave home without it. (Coming soon from Teddy Products, Inc: "SWIM", an "outside the box" defensive driving course that will make those DUI arrests a distant memory.)

MICHAEL MOORE'S "STUBBLE"
Are you a "serious" artist who wants to be known for your accomplishments not your looks? Do you wish you had some viable excuse for being a born loser? Your troubles could be over because you too can look like a bloated, Amerika-hating, gas bag who just spent the night in a skid row dumpster. If that sounds like heaven on earth you need Michael Moore's "STUBBLE" grooming system.. (Special bonus offer: Your first "STUBBLE" order comes with a map of dozen prime dumpster locations in your Zip Code.)

ROSIE O'DONNELL'S "BUTCH"
Ladies, are you fed up with getting all gussied up for a night on the town then being ignored by Mr. Right? You need Rosie O'Donnell's "BUTCH". This definitive book on dating will take your love life in unexpected directions. (Chapters include: "Feeling Flirty in a Flannel Shirt"; "Make a Lasting Impression With Your Buzz Cut Do", "Sexy and Sensual in Sensible Shoes", plus much, much more.)

GERALDO RIVERA'S "MOUSTACHE"
Are you an aspiring journalist whose floundering career can't seem to get off the ground? Are your efforts to dig out those pesky news nuggets doing little more than providing a 6 foot hole where you can bury your cable news nitwit career aspirations? You need Geraldo Rivera's "MOUSTACHE" a personal grooming system that doubles as a convenient place to keep those crumbs of truth that seem to slip through your fingers. If you grabbed your trusty dusty magnifying glass and examined Geraldo's lip decor you might find those facts that seem to elude Geraldo. Great Zot! You might even find some of Al Capone's missing treasures.

HOMER SIMPSON'S "ELOQUENCE"
Are you so verbally-challenged that nodding is as loquacious as you get? Are you fed up with pinheads calling you "moron" and all its colorful synonyms? It's time to seek expert help from a man whose two trademark words "Mmm" and "D'Oh" make him the most quoted man on the planet. Throw away those asinine "build your vocabulary" lessons and get Homer Simpson's "ELOQUENCE", today. ("ELOQUENCE" comes with a money-back guarantee that you'll thrill your friends, amaze your neighbors and make lasting impression on your parole officer.)

TED STEVEN'S "PORK"
Are you a profligate punk whom everyone knows can't be trusted with anything more valuable than a subway token? Ted Steven's "PORK" will teach you how to squander boatloads of somebody else's money to erect egregiously expensive projects that are so blatantly unnecessary they're guaranteed to give fiscally-conscientious rational adults a coronary.

BABS STREISAND'S "MEDUSA"
Are you a mirror phobic diva whose face can stop a clock? Are you tired of those horrified looks on men's faces when you vamp them with your petrifying feminine wiles? If you're itching for some payback, Babs has just what you need. Her patented grooming system, "MEDUSA", is guaranteed to make that unappreciative bastard's nads, shrivel, then crumble into dust. (Order today and you'll get ticket to Babs' next farewell tour.)

DONALD TRUMP'S "COMBOVER"
Are you an self-absorbed butthead whose inflated ego is fueled by your real estate investment windfall? Are you a legend in your own mind who can't get the respect you think you deserve? Do you need something to distract people from the fact that you're a universe-class ego-maniac? You need Donald Trump's "COMBOVER" a revolutionary fashion statement that is guaranteed to make everyone ignore how utterly pathetic you really are.

KANYE WEST'S "SCOWL"
Are you an inexplicably famous dude whose obsession with an amateur sex tape starring a fat-assed diva has prompted you to breed with the wench? Are you at your wits end trying to put her greedy, attention-whoring family out of your misery? Has the venerable wisdom of 'be careful what you wish for, because you might get it' ruined your far from sunny disposition? You need something potent enough to intimidate the most relentless money grubbing, media whoring, kretins. You need "SCOWL", Kanye's proven defense demeanor which has survive the hellish family acid test. [Fat assed diva not included in purchase price, but, the way things are going, you might have a shot, after Lard Ass gives the tyke to big bad mommy.]

BRUCE WILLIS'S "PATRIOTISM"
Are you a successful fixture in an industry infested with limp-wristed, lefty scumbags? Are you fed up with the limousine liberals who enjoy Amerika's riches while denigrating the warriors who defend it? You need Bruce Willis's "PATRIOTISM" to give you the spine to defy your liberal counterparts by publically defending our men and women in uniform. [Disclaimer: Regular use of "PATRIOTISM" is not guaranteed to help you score some Demi Moore-class yum-yum, but it can't hurt.]

Perpetrated by Hambo