If you’re in the checkout line at the store, or on the expressway, you’ll be nailed by this one. I know what you’re thinking, but you can’t out think this one, no matter how hard you try. How does it work? I’ve discovered that, when you’re in a lane, you exude a powerful force which slows down time, directly ahead of you. Its strength is directly proportional to your need for speed. I think this is covered in Einstein’s VERY special laws of relativity, but don’t bet the farm on it.

I hatched this theory, while I was working in field service. Trapped on America’s highways and byways with my fellow alleged humans, I wondered if this is the optimum way to transport people from point ‘A’ to point ‘B’. The expressway (freeway) might appear to be a high volume transportation system, but in many cases, appearances are deceiving. Eventually, I decided that there were dark, Nanny State, forces at work, and that’s when it hit me.

I think some human factors egghead concluded that the state’s economy would be greatly enhanced, if we could simply adjust a motorist’s attitude to optimize his money making potential. Well rested, enjoying the birds’ morning concert, having eaten a nice breakfast, and engaging in some savory chitchat with the family, the commuter was in the wrong mood for the dog eat dog capitalist marketplace. What to do? The answer seems obvious. That sunny, the world is my oyster, attitude needed to be adjusted. That’s the what, now we must confront the ‘how’.

With the proper application of stress inducing factors, our worker would arrive at work ready to kill his beloved granny to make a buck. Am I insane? I don’t think so, sticks and stones Sparky. Think about it. Why do they close a lane during rush hour for no apparent reason? Attitude readjustment. Why is it always the traffic signal at the worst possible spot that goes wonky? Attitude readjustment. Why do they drill holes in a perfectly good road making it a misery to use? Attitude readjustment. Why do they shut down the only three expressway off ramps which will get you where you need to go? Attitude readjustment.

The same system works in reverse, on the way home. After all that unwanted attitude readjustment drama on the way home, the commuter is too worn down to murder the whole family in their sleep. Instead, he, she, heshe or it grabs a brewskie, collapses in the recliner then tries to get ready to do it all over again, tomorrow.

Parting shot: A few years ago, I actually road tested this one, while I was attending a Christmas Party thrown by my lovely bride’s employer. Since I have one of those jobs that’s hard to describe, I went for the gold, when someone asked "what do you do". Without batting an eye, I dead-panned my way through "I’m an attitude adjustment engineer with the state highway department." As expected, they went for the bait, and asked me what that meant. Rising to the occasion, I launched into a monologue similar to - but much more detailed than - the foregoing rant, AND THEY BOUGHT IT. Suitably impressed, my lovely bride later accused: "You lying bastard, you could sell an ice machine to an Eskimo."

I’ve noticed that Mother Nature has a twisted way of balancing her books. For every biological perk, she imposes a corresponding penalty. Here's a sample.

Perk: A male California Gray Whale has a wang that's at least 12 feet long.

Penalty: Despite his impressive 'gear', he only gets laid once a year. First, he listens to months of 'not tonight, honey, I've got a headache'. Then, since she can only get 'in the mood' to hell and gone from the only place a whale dude can get a decent meal, he must swim thousands of miles for a shot at his once-a-year booty call.

Mother Nature pulled a similar trick on us. After giving human males this standing whiz perk, this sick wench was compelled to impose a corresponding penalty. That’s why she affixed the troublesome male appendage in front, then made life thrilling for males by giving them a hair-trigger libido that’s triggered by visual stimuli. How the hell is a dude supposed to convince some hottie that he ‘loves her for her mind’, when that tent in the front of his pants is screaming, LIAR, LIAR, PANTS ON FIRE.

Perks and Penalties Part Deux

Warning! If you detect some hidden meaning in the examples sequence you need help. It might be time to sign up for a 12-Step program to kick your habit, stoner Sparky.

Life is, as many of us have noticed, defined by off-setting conditions. For example, nature is replete with incidents of off-setting natural forces. The thrust of a jet’s engine is offset by a physical property we call ‘drag’. Electrons moving through a wire are offset by the wire’s inherent resistance. Our planet is held in its orbit by a balance struck between the Earth’s momentum and the Sun’s gravity.

Human biology is also defined by these off-setting forces, what I like to call ‘perks’ and ‘penalties’. Human males get the ‘perk’ of a standing whiz, plus an ‘instant on’ arousal mechanism. It’s the latter which imposes the penalty. Instant on is an automatic response, which a dude can’t always control and is destined to be embarrassing. I guarantee that, sooner or later, every dude will pitch blatant, involuntary, ‘wood’ when he’s trying to convince her that he ‘loves her for her mind’.

Human females get the ‘perk’ of being multi-orgasmic, but it, too, has a penalty. Unlike the male, there’s no ‘instant on’ feature, so, before she can go off like a 21-gun salute, someone has to coax her nads into a cooperative frame of mind.

Once you set your mind to it, you’ll notice perks and penalties cropping up everywhere. It’s what ‘they’ mean by ‘life is a series of tradeoffs’.

What: Cable Television
Perk: Your cable provider brings 5,000 channels into your home.
Penalty: At any given point in time, 4,999 of them suck and the other one is having ‘technical difficulties’.

What: Paris Hilton
Perk: She’s not hideous and she’s a member of a very RICH family.
Penalty: She has the world’s shortest attention span and her diseased nads have seen more traffic than the Holland Tunnel.

What: A Citizen’s Right to Vote
Perk: As an American citizen, you get to pick the Elected Tormentor(s) who will represent you.
Penalty: Every intellectual flatliner gets the same perk, which explains how an unabashed Marxist Messiah won the keys to the Red Shed’s Oval Office.

What: Modern Telecommunications Technology
Perk: Modern communications technology allows you to make those essential connections no matter where you go.
Penalty: Some bellowing Cellidiot asshole will exercise his, her, hisher, or its perk while you’re trying to watch a movie in the local cinema, or dine at your favorite restaurant.

What: Inalienable Individual Liberty
Perk: "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness."
Penalty: Those selected to preserve, protect and defend your liberty are the ones most likely to trample on it.

What: Mexifornia
Perk: It’s blessed with countless natural wonders and mild weather.
Penalty: It’s populated by a critical mass of raving moonbats who, invariably, punch a chad for some rampaging, Marxist.

What: "No Assembly Required"
Perk: The salespunk assured you that your new whizbang is "so easy to install that even a child can do it."
Penalty: There’s never one of the smartass snot-gobblers around when you really need them.

By now, you should have the big picture. All things considered, Perks & Penalties aren’t a fate worse than death, if you’re paying attention. You need to train yourself to look past the perk, which is always front and center, to check out the penalty that’s lurking in the shadows. Study the perk and penalty closely, critically, then ask yourself "Is it worth it?"

Parting shot: It’s a slam dunk that, sooner or later, I will revisit this topic. Stay tuned.

"Don't be a schnook, you know you're gonna look."
-- Ziggy "The Brain" Kowalski

One of Newton's least known laws, states that sweater puppies create their own gravity well, after they cross a certain 'size' threshold. Women, by and large, have a natural immunity, but men don't. That's why, no matter how hard a dude tries, no matter how gross the sweater puppy packer, the bigger they are, the more impossible it is for him not to stare. It's not bad manners, it's science, Sparky.

Here are two new theories that are currently under consideration.

Hambo Conspiracy Theory I: The current lull in solar activity is a plot by Dick 'Darth' Cheney to make Al Gore look bad. Have you ever wondered where all that disappearing Arctic ice went? I am reviewing evidence that Darth Cheney gathered it up and fired it into the Sun to cool that sucker down. Coincidence? I don’t think so.

Hambo Conspiracy Theory II: Is it just a coincidence that you never see Messiah Barry and Mad Magazine's Alfred E. Neuman in the same place at the same time? I don't think so.