PORK CHOPS | CUTTING BOARD CLASSICS

If, as it's often said, laughter is the best medicine, you'll be thrilled spitless to learn that PIG is healthy as a Dothead bovine. We enjoy laughing and are proud to declare that we laugh at all the 'wrong' things: Korrectniks; Lip-flappers; Hygenically-Challenged, Cheese-Eating Surrender Monkeys; Lunatic Lefty Legicrats; Ivory Tower Idiocy; Intellectually Flat-Lining Desperado's; Human Gene-pool Improvement Volunteers; plus Wingnuts across the political spectrum. Did we mention Hillary?

In this section, you'll find an assortment of things that made us laugh...Some are original, others imported, but funny enough to make them PIG-worthy. We invite you to check your sensitivities at the door and join us for some PIG-induced laugh therapy. Go ahead, laugh out loud when you feel the need. We promise not to turn you in to the sensitivity Nazis.

PIG uses material collected from many diverse sources. We cannot verify the source of much of the material, as it arrives via the Internet. If we have material that is/was somehow plagiarized, please contact us, with verification of intellectual/creative ownership, and we will promptly remove said piece from PIG.

To submit your satirical take on Political Correctness/Political Incorrectness in the form of essay, joke, poem, please send your submission to the address below.

If you have any artistic ability, break out the crayons and submit politically incorrect graphics, cartoons, illustrations, parodies or other graphic material as attatchments in the form of jpeg, PDF or gif formats.

All submissions, written or graphic should be sent to pig@pigazette.

For further submission guidelines and information, please visit the PIGPEN / FORUM page.

 

PORK CHOPS | WELCOME TO KALIFORNIA.

 

PORK CHOPS | OBESITY: WHY FAT IS PHAT

Why Obesity Is Good for Amerika

NO-NADS should be thrilled because "he" is less likely to objectify a porker.

Educrats should be thrilled because lard ass tykes are, inherently, immune to Dodgeball and Tag's siren songs.

Tree Huggers should be thrilled because bloated, couch-bound, bozos are less likely to "defile" mother nature.

Ethnocrats should be thrilled because "Ribs" are now health food, AND, Oprah can pork up all she wants. Bonus thrill: A slow-moving, wideload whitey makes an easier target.

Aromatic Peacepunks should be thrilled because, we're too busy stuffing our pie holes to attack anybody.

GLAAD BAAGs should be thrilled because cross-dressing Sumo wrestler-size dipsticks in frilly frocks no longer stand out in the crowd.

Capitalist exploiters should be thrilled because Amerika's relentlessly expanding waistline means bigger cars, a new wardrobe every three months, and a Krispy Kreme franchise on ever corner.

Everyone should be happy because, "Do you want fries with that?" makes a killer National motto. It's catchy and easy to remember.

 

PORK CHOPS | ROADSIDE TYRANNY: SIGNS OF OPPRESSION

Now that I've been enriched by cultures from such unlikely places as Rwanda, Sri Lanka, El Salvador and Kazakstan...Now that my mind has been liberated from the oppression of Euro-centric dogma...I'm constantly assaulted by the oppression that exists in American society. Nowhere is this more evident than on the roads and highways of our nation.

The following road signs are an insult to enlightened people and must be eliminated:

No Left Turn:
Militantly anti-progressive. For the good of society as a whole, especially the underclasses, movements to the left must be encouraged at all times. Those attempting turns to the right (reactionaries), those determined to go straight ahead (traditionalists) and especially those Rushing backwards (conservatives) must be made to yield to those moving left (progressives).

No Right Turn on Red:
Overtly reactionary. Movements to the right must be outlawed and violators put to death on the spot.

No U Turn:
Elitist. This forces a rational thought process on existentialists, progressives and other non-conceptual intellectuals who recreate reality as they go along, requiring frequent 180 degree changes in direction.

One Way Street:
Elitist and anti-democratic. This subjects the underclasses to the tyranny of those special interests who ignore the need of the masses to go in the wrong direction.

Loading Zone:
Materialistic. Elitist. Anti-democratic. Grants special privileges to powerful business interests who exploit the workers and underprivileged in the name of mindless greed.

Yield:
Demeans women. A blatant attempt to subject women to the oppressive yoke of those members of the chauvinist male horde who are impeding female progress by moving across her path.

The whole notion of road signs and traffic signals smacks of authoritarianism, and the naked aggression of a fascist police state. It's obscene to impose these Western values in this multi-cultural era. It's nothing short of tyranny to command blind obedience from everyone, when so many people may feel a need to move outside the meaningless conventions of our Euro-centric traffic customs. No justice...No peace!

– T.D. Treat

 

PORK CHOPS | POLITICALLY INCORRECT FOODS

A Triple-A baseball team, the Lehigh Valley Iron Pigs, decided to name its mascot ( a large furry pig) "PorkChop". It was all going along smoothly, until somebody spoiled the fun by complaining about the name "PorkChop". Apparently, a "pork chop" is more than a cut of meat. According to 'Hispanic' whiners, it’s also a racial slur against Puerto Ricans. That's a new one on me, but I won't dispute it. Anyway, the usual Ethnocrat subjects got their knickers in a knot and the team dropped "PorkChop" like a bad habit, bleating, pathetically, about sensitivity and diversity. Blah, blah, blah.

That incident got those Hambo wheels turning about the mythical 'right' that protects the chronically oppressed from being offended and how it makes everyday aspects of life a non-stop thrill ride. Take, for example, that routine trip to the supermarket for some groceries. Let's assume that you behave yourself: you don't pinch some sweater-bursting wench's 'melons', and you don't go 'Hambo' on that fat bastard blocking the brewskie aisle. You're still not out of the woods, because the grocery shopping trip is a far cry from "no harm, no foul". If they’ll black flag "pork chop", what else will they banish to keep some hypersensitive pinhead from getting a boo-boo?

Once I put my legendary imagination to it, I realized that your ubiquitous grocery outlet is a politically incorrect minefield. Setting aside such blatantly incorrect foods as redskin peanuts and squaw bread, both of which might oppress a Siberian-American, there are numerous other problematic foods that could launch that Korrectnik checkout clerk. Prove it, you say? No problem. Get ready to be dumbstruck with awe over my PIGish imagination.

For the sake of argument, let's assume you go there with the following list:

Pork Chops, Twinkies, Ho Hos, Goobers, Cheetos, Ham, Fruitcake, Chicken, Tomatoes, Lemons, Meatballs, Shrimp, Lays Chips, Prunes, Sponges, Butterfingers, Mr. Clean, Angel Food Cake

How the hell can you live with yourself, racist, sexist, elitist, insensitive Sparky? You just maligned the following groups:

OFFENDED VICTIM(S)
OPPRESSIVE WORD
Puerto Ricans
Pork Chop
Bun Rangers
Twinkies
Black Women
Ho-Hos
Rednecks
Goobers
Unfaithful Spouses
Cheetos
Annoying Showoffs
Ham
The Differently-Rational
Fruitcake
Cowards
Chicken
Genetically Gifted Women
Tomatoes
Used Car Salesmen
Lemons
Dullards
Meatballs
Little People
Shrimp
Sluts
Lays
Seniors
Prunes
Beggars
Sponge
Klutzes
Butterfingers
Slobs
Mr. Clean
Atheists, Pagans, Wiccans
Angel Food
Sluts (Again)
Virgin Olive Oil
Nymphomaniacs
Tender Loin
Flat Chested Women
Titleist (Golf Products)
Nappy Headed Ho's
Brillo Pad
Anorexics
Brawny Paper Towels
Homosexuals
Q-Tip
Chronic Masturbators
Beef Jerky
Koreans
Hush Puppies

If that doesn't thrill the socks off you, here are a few more potential problem items on your shopping list:

Bananas
Might offend someone who has serious 'issues' with their impulse control.

Cherries
This item might offend that never been touched 'that way', 38 year-old dude who still lives in mom's basement.

Melons (in pairs)
Might offend amply endowed womyn.

Garlic
Slapping that bunch of fresh garlic down in front of a grocery clerk who’s a dead ringer for Bela Lugosi is a no-no, insensitive bastard Sparky

Lettuce
Ringing up a product whose name is slang for money will give that clerk who just declared bankruptcy a boo-boo.

By now, you’re wondering if there are any supermarket items that are guaranteed to get a pass from the most hypersensitive Korrectnik. Yup. After a comprehensive search of the items found in most grocery stores, we have selected one that is bullet proof, in Korrectnik eyes. I refer, of course to that tastebud blight, that utterly indestructible alleged food, the rice cake. I won’t call your shots, but in Hamboland, when forced to choose between rice cakes and starvation, I’ll go for starvation, every damn time.

- Hambo & Porcus

 

PORK CHOPS | AFFIRMATIVE OPPRESSION

During oppression's golden age, Ivory Towers enjoyed an oppressor bumper crop, but those glorious times are long gone. Now, when they're needed more than ever, oppressors are a vanishing breed whose ranks are tragically, drastically, depleted. How can the Ivory Tower's new victim culture be sustained, without resident oppressors?

In oppression's golden age, all oppressors were prime specimens drawn from the swelling ranks of old Ka-Boomists who knew that 'the book' condemned homos to burn in hell, knew that old ka-boom himself demands bitches stay barefoot and pregnant, knew that 'the mark of Cain' refers to all non-white skin tones. Alas, they just don't make oppressors like that anymore, so Ivory Tower officials need to resort to desperate measures to replenish oppressor ranks. Ivory Tower eggheads call this cutting edge program, Affirmative Oppression.

I'm sad to report that new, relaxed, oppressor standards are in place. The following checklist demonstrates how bad things are. Under the - scandalously - lowered oppressor standards, you might earn the highly prized oppressor label if you:

• Felt guilty when you fell asleep during that sensitivity training seminar.

• Aren't sure what a 'sexual' is, but you're reasonably certain that you never harassed one.

• Find egghead terminology baffling. The only time you 'affirmed action' happened that night you judged the wet t-shirt contest. 'Diversity' is even worse. The way they pronounce it, eggheads could mean Dever City, that wide spot on a south Georgia road, but they might be lousy spellers so it could stand for the local scuba shop, Diver City. Either way, it doesn't rate all the fuss.

• Honored Caesar Chavez Day by purchasing table grapes - a food that gives you a rash - but didn't eat them.

• Spared the feelings of spelling-challenged feminists, by spending an entire night correcting 'Womyn's Studies' posters to read, 'Women's Studies'.

• Celebrated Black History Month by spanking the monkey, using grandpa's venerable National Geographic collection as visual aides.

• Are still scratching your head over the incident with the busty coed in the grocery store. Admiring the new label on a tin containing Del Monte peaches you said, "Nice cans" and she slaps you! What's her problem?

• Don't really understand anything he says, but like the way Jesse Jackson rhymes his words.

• Were very confused by that first gay pride day parade until your roommate pioneered some advanced gender studies by organizing the first Annual 'Chicks With Dicks' porno movie marathon in your dorm.

• Can't explain the uproar caused when you described your Uncle's job at the Agriculture Department. What do they think 'he's a beaner' means?

• Still don't know why you got evicted from that Anthropology class film about those teenage, Apache, ceremonial dance girls. All you asked was, "Does anybody else want to bag some of these redskins?" and they go postal. Who knew it was forbidden to eat peanuts in class? (Government schooled dolts: 'redskins' are a common peanut variety, named for their 'red' colored skin.)

If you know someone who fits these new criteria...If you fit these criteria, contact your local Affirmative Oppression Office, immediately. Step up to the plate and do the right thing during this national crisis because it's your patriotic duty to sustain properly-hyphenated victim identities. Your country is counting on you...Amerika's obnoxious, self-pitying whiners are counting on you, so go out there and oppress.

– T.D. Treat

 

SPORTS CHOPS | PIG PLAYS HARDBALL

 
 
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PORK CHOPS
CONTENTS

PORK CHOPS
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PRIME CUTS
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O-CRAP

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PIGALLERY
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BEEN CALIFORNICATED?
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TOXIC TOONS
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PIGRAPHICS
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YANQUI PRIDE
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2ND GUESSING GOD
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KINGS OF COMEDY
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SEXIST HUMOR
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FAT = PHAT
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CLASSICS
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LINKS / SITES
FARK
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HOPE 'N' CHANGE CARTOONS
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STRANGE POLITICS
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EHOWA
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NAT LAMPOON
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MODERN DRUNKARD
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• FRIENDS OF PIG •
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TEXAS FRED
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KING'S RIGHT SITE
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LOCK AND LOAD
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WOODPILE REPORT
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A LITTLE MORE
TO THE RIGHT

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DRINK THIS
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SOCCER MOM:UNPLUGGED
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RIGHT IN PHILLY
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SAY NO TO P.C.B.S
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HOMETOWN CONSERVATIVE
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CULT OF 7G
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ANTHONY'S SOAP BOX
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CHIP OFF THE OLD ROCK
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KREEPER'S KORNER
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WARRIORS FOR INNOCENCE
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