For some time now, the following notions have been gathering dust and cobwebs in the Porcus skull cavity for some time.

This stuff is not made up, but instead, is a compilation of observations and actual experiences, so before those most 'racist' and 'sexist' PIG slings and arrows come flying my way, consider that some of the following may have been experienced, witnessed or even thought of by you, too.

Some of the following examples have Porcus scratching his head. Some have Porcus laughing his ass off. Then there are some that just out and out piss Porcus off to no end.

But all of them, no doubt, have Porcus just saying, "WTF?!?"

Hang on to your hot dogs, as we venture forth into The Porcus Netherworld of Observations in Human Nature and Behavior.

WTF! Why is it that when I take a road trip and find myself in a rural area and start fiddling around with the radio dial in hopes of finding some decent music or even talk radio, all the stations get fuzzy, distorted sounding reception EXCEPT for the Spanish language Cucaracha Crap-Ola, or the Beans 'N Rice 'N Jesus Christ Evangelical stations?

Naturally, those stations come in crystal clear.

Makes me want to pull over and puke.

WTF! Why is that when you encounter a "Stoned On Jesus With Blinders On" type, every one of life's problems or questions, according to them, can be found in the Bible and no where else?

Example: Ask them what 'Born again' means. They immediately reply, "According to the Bible..."

Or ask them why bad things happen to good people, and their answer usually begins with "Scripture tells us..."

You can even ask them how they think the Dodgers will do this year with addition of some left handed power hitters and you'll still get "Well, the bible says..."

There sure is a lot of truth in that old Cheech & Chong skit where the dude says, "Hey man, I used to be all messed up on drugs. Now I'm all messed up on Jesus!"

Amen.

WTF! If the United States Coast Guard is considered a branch of the military for watching over our coastlines, catching drug smugglers and illegals, why isn't the U.S. Border Patrol elevated to the same status for doing essentially the same thing, except perhaps even more dangerous AND with their hands tied by polticians, bureaucrats and Colonista Coddlers? They are put in harms way, everyday, defending our borders, receive virtually no positive recognition, are shot at by snipers and smugglers, and on top of that, they are villified and get called mean, hurtful names, too.

WTF! Why is that you never see Koreans driving Korean imports like KIA or Hyundai, for example? Do the Koreans know something we don't, but should? I find that especially funny, since most Koreans can't tell a steering wheel from a windshield.

WTF! Ever notice that some prima donna assh***s with names that are spelled slightly different, and sound slightly different will stop and interrupt any conversation, no matter how important, to correct anyone with the misfortune of mispronouncing it? Example: A semi-celebrity type by the name of Jackée was being interviewed on TV, and several times stopped the discussion to inform the interviewer that her name was pronounced Ja-KAY. That's Ja-KAY!!! Not Jackee!

WTF! How would anyone know they were speaking to...I mean addressing such an important person? Nigga pleeze!!! Sounds like an adult entertainer/stripper working name, if you axe me.

WTF! While watching one of those Sunday morning roundtable discussions here in SoCal recently, the topic was the upcoming elections, and the guests were some political insiders, and the facilitator (code for News Nitwit) asked the following, and I kid you not, was dead serious when she asked, "Illegal immigration. Why is that an issue, here?"

Stop the presses, Pedro!!! WTF kind of question is THAT to be asking here in Southern California?

News Flash for for News Nitwit! What part of M-E-X-I-F-O-R-N-I-A don't you understand?

WTF! Ever notice that those huge, mega Do-It Yourself hardware stores - Home Depot, Lowes, OSH, etc., always show commercials where the scenario is a couple shopping for the perfect kitchen tile, a truckload of sod for the new lawn or several gallons of paint for their nursery, getting it all loaded in their truck and supposedly, heading home.

There is one glaring omission from those commercials. They never show the husband take that detour about a block from Home Depot to pick up that one last item...an illegal invader day laborer, who, when not pissing on Old Lady Nusbaum's prize roses, is patiently loitering, drinking beer and distrubing the peace until he gets picked for the 'Do-It-Yourself-With-The-Help-Of-Chuey & Co.' job.

That, PIGsters, would be truth in advertising.

WTF! It just dawned on me why so many uninformed, ignorant a-holes are protesting or boycotting Arizona over Arizona Senate Bill 1070.

THE BILL WAS WRITTEN IN ENGLISH!!!

Silly me.

WTF! Why is that even after a revenue generating Barney Fife pulls over and issues a citation to someone for whatever petty reason, people always say "Thank you" to the cop? WTF are you thanking him for? Picking your pocket? Forcing you to write a check and mail it in? Taking time out of your day to go down to the courthouse to pay your ticket or attend traffic school?

If you've got nothing to lose and bowling ball sized cast irons, next time just play along and politely sign his little citation, smile and simply say, "Ahem. Sir, don't you think some thanks are in order on your end? After all, I am but yet another notch on your belt, a mere stepping stone on your path to that promotion, and of course, your inflated salary as a glorified hall monitor comes out of my pocket? Oh, and is it true about cops and donutshops...?"

See you in court, after the bruises fade, huh?

WTF! Ever wonder where clerks that work at gas stations or convenience relieve themselves, especially when you ask if you can use their restroom only to have them give you a look of contempt and telling you they don't have a bathroom? Hmmmmm. You better think twice before ordering that Slurpee or chili dog.

WTF! This a good one. Ever have that special, absent-minded, lovable someone in your life that is always misplacing things like car keys, sunglasses or a cell phone, only to ask out loud, "Where did I leave my wallet? Have you seen my purse?"

Like I would know?

Well, Mrs. Porcus is the poster child of misplacing things. Sucker that I was, during the first few years of marriage, I would actually try and help her backtrack the damn lost item, and after a while, that crap got old.

Then it dawned on me! I would tell her I know exactly where it is. RIGHT WHERE YOU LEFT IT!

She asked. I answered. Problem solved...on my end, anyway.

WTF! Why is it that telemarketers pick dinner time, family time, Sunday f+++ing morning, even, to try and sell you on a credit card, time share or some other piece of crap I was not in the market for?

I used to have lots of fun at their expense by asking, "Hey, this sounds great! You happened to have caught me at a bad time. Could I possibly call you back at your earliest inconvenience, like 2:00 am to discuss this?"

Another sure fire way to get off telemarketer's lists is to answer the phone, and say, "Wait, I'll be right with you. Please hold."

While they're waiting, stroll on over to the beer cooler, crack one open, spark up a smoke, and casually walk back to the phone and in a very apologetic manner say, "Sorry to have kept you waiting, but when you called, I was having the best sex of my life. Now, what can I do for you?"

Then, and this is the kicker, act like you're muffling the mouthpiece of the phone and say, "Hey, honey, be sure to wipe off your chin. Remember, your Mom's coming over with some apple pie and her bible study group."

Conversation over, at that point. Tee-hee.

WTF! Why is it that one song stuck in my head can ruin an entire day? I'm not talking about run-of-the-mill cranium crunching crappy songs from Sinead O'Conner, Alanis Morrisette, or Mariah Carey. I'm talking about real annoying sounds that when played over and over, can make anyone go Bell Tower.

Ever get the theme from F-Troop, The Oscar Meyer Weiner jingle or a Barry Manilow song stuck in your head for an entire, tortuous day?

You've been there, too, huh? No matter what other song you try to replace it with, it somehow still finds a way to slowly, subliminally creep it's way back, at full tilt no less, to the forefront of the cranial sound system, playing itself over and over again in a continual, non-stop loop, driving you to the brink of insanity.

Gets worse, too. When the day is finally done, and you finally hit the sack and close your eyes for what you think is going to be a peaceful nights sleep, guess what? It's baaaack!

It's days like that that make the sound of fingernails on a chalkboard sound like harps from heaven.

Now go out there and have a great day and don't let the theme song from Facts Of Life ruin your day, over and over, and over...

WTF! Why is it that when Barney Fife has someone pulled over on a freeway, everyone slows down and all you see in front of you are brake lights?

Hell, he's already taken the time to pull someone else over, get out of the car, whip out his citation book and get busy writing a ticket, so why not take advantage of the situation and put the pedal to the metal and gun it? It's not like he's going to drop what he's doing to just to get you.

What are you waiting for? Go ahead and leave Ponch and John in the dust, go like Steve McQueen and floor it a like bat out of brakelight hell!

WTF! Why is it that getting older can be a confusing experience. For example, when guys get as old as some MILF's are, WTF do guys call them now? Since they can't call them The Babysitter, Mrs. Robinson or Schoolteacher anymore, and as a gester of being age-neutral, maybe they should refer to MILF's as...

CWILF's - Co-Workers I'de Like to...?

OHILF's - Older Hotties I'de Like to...?

F-PILF's - Female Peers I'de Like to...?

McHILF's - Irish Hotties I'de Like to...?

WFT! At my age, what's the use? I'll show them a little respect and simply say, ' Hey, Toots!' and wait for that much deserved slap in the face.

WTF! Why is it that I always fall for and plan my weekend around what a News Nitwit piece of eye candy weathergal or unfunny fatass weather dude "predicts?"

So many times "they" are dead wrong, but suckers like me always fall for their crystal ball predictions and end up either soaking wet when "they" predicted clear skies, or stuck at home after giving up tickets to a ball game because "they" predicted rain when it was a beautiful day.

That's my fault for putting stock in someone who's only real skill is looking good and reading a teleprompter.

But what really bends my 'Fork is that the following day, you never, EVER hear these assholes fall on their sword, eat some humble pie, apologize, or admit they were wrong for screwing up your weekend plans. At the very least, they could come out of the closet and admit they attended the Al Gore School of Meteorology Hype and Hocus Pocus.

For that, on behalf of those whose weekends were ruined, or will be ruined by a fucked up forecast, All News Nitwit Weather Drones will receive an Official Porcus Pitchfork Golden Shower Award, and if possible, administered by yours truely.

WTF! Why is it that it's perfectly legal to end the life of an unborn child at an abortion clinic, for say, whatever reason or mood the impregnated woman is in, but when a homicidal scumbag murders a pregnant woman, he's (rightfully) charged with two counts of murder? With that logic, shouldn't abortion be considered a so-called "Hate Crime?"

WTF! Why is it that when it rains in the dirt bowl called Southern Mexifornia, most everyone goes into panic mode and complains about the rain and the ensuing traffic tie ups, landslides and Storm Watch News Nit-Wits, only to have one asshole ALWAYS say, "Yeah, but we need it (the rain)." Never fails.

WTF! Why is it that when a wife or girlfriend insist (drag by the short ones) their man accompany them to the mall, the woman goes into rattlesnake mode when the man notices the hordes of head turning hotties?

What's even worse is three weeks later when the woman asks with her hands on her hips, "Do you still think she's (any good looking woman from the mall that you have long forgotten) pretty?"

As if he remembers, but you know he's cruisin' for a bruisin' when he naively replies, "Which one?"

WTF! Go figure.

WTF! Why is it people believe the fairy tale that all women are beautiful and underneath even the homeliest woman lies a pristine princess dying to get out? Not all women are cover girls, nor do they have to be to be beautiful, and that's OK. I just have a hard time believing monsters like Rosie O'Donnell, Nancy Pelosi, Lorena Bobbitt and the late Leona Helmsley having even a shred of beauty - either inner or outer. There are certain characteristics that can't be changed, not through plastic surgery, liposuction or dieting. Let's face it, some women are shrill bitches at birth. No amount of lipstick will ever make certain women beautiful, but a burlap sack over the head and a muzzle in the mouth are a good start.

WTF! Why is it that Pit Bull owners are ALWAYS uglier, meaner and dumber than their dogs? We've all seen the owners. They're usually wannabe bad-asses who use the poor beast as an extension of the "badness" they don't have. We've all heard the news reports of an innocent child or mailman being mauled by a viscious Pit Bull. The end result is that the dog is eventually put down. Putting the dog down is only half the solution. Why not put the irresponsible owner down with the dog? Now that's killing two birds with one stone. All those in favor...

WTF! Why is it that almost all new, or first generation immigrant groups to America, work their asses off to get out from under the low end of the immigrant totem pole and blend into our melting pot, while others - and you know who you are, Camel Crap - go out of their way to perpetuate and justify not just negative stereotypes of their herd, but generate out-and-out hatred, contempt and mistrust of YOU by everyone else, including some of your own kind, except for CAIR, of course.

WTF! Why is it that immediately following an attempted terrorist threat, Homeland Stupidity and TSA predictably impose even more punitive, invasive and asinine ways of making airline travel for the average airline passenger more miserable, but the News Nit-Wits always seem to get the reactions of some moron that just had a thorough body cavity search that always says something deep, like, "Well, we need to take these precautions."

WTF! Why is it that everyday personal items like lighters, pocketknives, nailclippers, and even shoelaces are not only on The Department Of Homeland Stupidity's list of implements of "Man Made Disasters" but are also on the top of every Educrat's Zero Tolerance Zombies' Shit List as well?

WTF! Why is it that whenever I settle in to watch a rare, half way decent TV show, it's always interrupted by a News Nit-Wit breaking story ALWAYS involving a car chase, preempting my daily Sesame Street and Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood viewing time?

WTF! Why is it that Madison Avenue always portrays men as fumbling bufoons that can't turn on a light switch, use the automatic coffee maker, put down the toilet seat or even use a vacuum, when in reality, men are the innovators and inventors of such everyday household conveniences?

WTF! Why is it that when an American born Gringo wants to state his/her opinion on illegal border jumping scum, they always preface their statement with, "I'm not a racist, but..."?

WTF! Why is it that most one-named celebrities - Madonna, Sting, Cher, etc., are revered for their air-headed, fly-by-night causes and opinions by the Brain-Dead, but in reality, can be the world's biggest egomaniacal A-Holes?

WTF! (More Celebri-Trash) Why is it that when a well known person of questionable talent is asked a question on an important issue, they always begin with, "Well, Diane, as an artist, I feel..."?

Who died and made their self-important, "As an artist" opinions more important than my mechanics or butchers opinion?

As far as celebrities go, it should be more like, "Well, Katie, as a well-known A-Hole, I feel..."

WTF! Why is it, according to NO-NAD man-haters, that when a man proudly wields a large caliber, long barreled gun, he is, in Freudian terms, childishly playing with an extension of his phallus, but when a woman gets her hooks on a gun, she is somehow “empowered?”

WTF! Why is it that when a “Joe The Plumber” type, who earns over $100,000 a year merely has a job, but when someone with not even a High School diploma gets off welfare, takes a nine month course at a fly-by-night trade school (as seen on TV), graduates, lands a position earning slightly above minimum wage, they have a “career?”

WTF! Why is it that Orientals and Indians (the tomahawk kind) normally take offense to those terms and instead prefer to be called Asians and Native Americans, except when it comes to the almighty dollar?

The answers are $imple.

Take note of your local A$ian owned Oriental Dry Cleaner or Oriental Noodle Hou$e. They could care less what you call them as long as your money is good and you pay up.

Casino owning “Native American$” don't seem to have any problems perpetuating a tomahawk weilding redskin stereotype with their use of the term “Indian Gaming Ca$ino” all the way to the bank, in Mac trucks no le$$.

WTF! Why is it that the term 'Native American' is limited to Siberian-American's? Isn't ANYONE born on American soil considered a native...to America?

The facade of political correctness ends and hypocrisy begins whenever money is involved.

WTF! Speaking of race, why is it that should I refer to a black person as “African-American” especially when I don’t know where that person really came from?

Example: If I witness a crime by a black person, and am asked by Barney Fife for a physical description, I would say that person had a dark complexion, or, he/she was black. Whether that person is/was from Africa or Antarctica is of little consequence to a physical description.

WTF! Why is it that when Barney Fife pulls you over for suspicion of drunk driving, he makes you recite the alphabet backwards, has you close your eyes, extend your arms and touch your nose while walking a straight line at 2:00 AM?

Who the hell does any of that crap on a regular basis? He may as well have you perform the Nutcracker Suite while juggling chainsaws on roller skates.

Porcus’ advice: Don’t drink and drive unless you have mastered the alphabet backwards and are as agile as an Olympic gymnast.

WTF! Why is that when Pedro and/or Ping Pong are forced to answer a possibly incriminating question in English, all of a sudden, they answer “Me no speaka da Engrish,” but I would bet your bank account they could recite the Gettysburg Address for a million dollars.

WTF! Why is it that when a professional athlete gets caught using steroids, he/she is cheating, but when Pam Anderson surgically inflates her chest, that’s considered 'enhancement'?

WTF! Why is it that moments after the 9/11 attacks, the first group of people to display, uh, hide behind American flags where 7-11, liquor store and gas station owners named Achmed, who had nothing but contempt for America and American’s prior to the attacks, somehow miraculously took refuge in the American melting pot?

WTF! Why is that when approached by a wine soaked panhandler asking for some coin, I'm addressed as ' Kind sir...', but when I can't oblige Mr. "Can I Have Fitty Cent Fo' Some Bus Fare" I'm suddenly a cheap-ass, mo'-f***ing, racist skinflint?

WTF! Why is that some men, who are unwittingly marked as future 'Daddy' material, regardless of his CHOICE in the matter, are called Sperm Donors, but women with alterior motives are never called Sperm Robbers?

WTF! Why is it that when I purchase something at an Asian owned liquor store, the little Mama San behind the counter can calculate my purchase, the sales tax and change due in two seconds flat in her head, and if I’m a nickel shy, she'll demand, “You pay now!”

But when I win $200 from a lottery ticket purchased at the same store, same Mama San, suddenly, their mental calculators freeze up and they have to call in their family to analyze the ticket and call the state lottery commission and have me wait for an hour for my winnings?

WTF! Why is it that when a dude scopes out bare naked hotties in a Playboy Magazine, he is a drooling, knuckle dragging Cro-Magnon that has no respect for his wife or women in general, but when the same dude attends an art museum chock full of Old Master and Renaissance nude paintings and sculptures, he is now, somehow “cultured?”

Conversely, why is it okay for a woman to stand hypnotized for hours at Michelangelo’s David and not be called a pecker-peeking slut?

WTF! Why is it that when a mob of “inner-city” residents burn, loot, murder and riot while chanting “No justice, no peace”, that’s justified and brushed under the carpet as an uprising, or rebellion, but when taxpaying citizens take to the streets participating in peaceful Tea Party protests, that’s considered a Gestapo style lynch mob?

WTF! Why is it that when I need to make a right turn in downtown traffic, Lupe and her 6 kids leisurely take their sweet time crossing the street in ultra slow motion like a mother duck and her brood following in single file, causing me to wait, but the same Lupe can leave a Ferrari in the dust when she illegally crosses the border with Border Patrol Agents hot on her tail?

WTF! Why is it that you never see that urban eyesore, graffiti, scrawled on murals of the Virgin Mary, Jesus Christ, Cesar Chavez, Pancho Villa, Malcolm X, Martin Luther King, Jr., Nelson Mandela or better yet, the graffiti vandals parents house?

WTF! Very Recent, Very True DMV Story: Why is it, that when I patiently wait for two long, tortuous hours at the DMV, and I'm 3 away from my number being called, THE F*****G POWER GOES OUT, THE COMPUTERS GO DOWN, AND EVERYONE IS TOLD TO EVACUATE ASAP?

Gets better. I returned the next day with my paperwork AND the number I was assigned the day before in hopes of bumping the line, only to be told I had to start at the end of the line by a high school dropout wearing a security guard uniform.

WTF! Speaking Of The DMV, why is it that I feel like a foreigner in my own country every time I visit the State supported Tower of Babel?

WTF! even more DMV Crapola: Why is it that my local DMV torture chamber has 1/2 inch thick bullet proof plexi-glass and posters on the glass alerting everyone that it's a felony, punishable of up to one year in state prison to threaten a DMV drone? Gee, you think it's because they're on the career fast-track into professional suckage?

WTF! Why is it that the 9/11 terrorist scum couldn't have flown solo (no innocent passengers) into IRS headquarters or better yet, the building that houses my student loan data on a Sunday morning when no one's there except the computers.

WTF! Why is it that whenever a new TV series or movie comes out and is hyped and hailed as "Critically Acclaimed", "The Best Movie of the Year" "Two Thumbs Up" or "A Sure Oscar Contender" how come I already know it's going to spew big, stinky chunks and flat out suck?

WTF! Why is it that a 15 year old girl can't remember what she had for lunch 3 hours earlier, but can remember what color panties Twatney wasn't wearing to the Pop Tarts Award Show 2 1/2 years before and who her date was?

WTF! Why is it that I always get stuck with the dullest knife in the drawer on the other end of the phone when dealing with government agencies and corporate America alike when I have a question or a problem that needs to be resolved?

WTF! Why is it that some folks get “offended” and somehow manufacture artificial outrage when a stereotype is justified? It truly can't be that there's a hell of a lot of truth in stereotypes?

WTF! Finally, why is it I know that you know where to send the hate mail?