Oh my God, look at you. Anyone else hurt in the accident?
Seriously, Senator Reid has a face of a Saint - A Saint Bernard.
Now I know why they call you the arithmetic man. You add partisanship, subtract pleasure, divide attention, and multiply ignorance.
Reid is so physically unimposing, he makes Pee Wee Herman look like Mr. T.
And Reid's so dumb, he makes Speaker Pelosi look like an intellectual.
Nevada is soooo screwed!
If I were less polite, I'd say Reid makes Kevin Federline look successful.
Speaking of the Speaker... Nancy Pelosi, hubba, hubba! Hey baby, you must've been something before electricity.
Seriously, the Speaker may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. She really is an idiot.
Madame Speaker... want to make twelve bucks the hard way?
Pelosi says she's not partisan, but her constituents call her Madame Pelossilini.
Charlie Rangel... still alive and still robbing the taxpayers blind. What does that make, six decades of theft?
Rangel's the only man with a rent-controlled mansion.
He's the guy who writes our tax laws but forgot to pay taxes on $75 grand in rental income!
So why isn't he the Treasury Secretary?
Rangel runs more scams than a Nigerian Banker.
Barney Frank - he's a better actor than Fred Flintstone.
Consider... he and Dodd caused the whole financial meltdown and they're not only not serving time with Bubba and Rodney, they're still heading up the financial system!
Let's all admit it... Barney Frank slobbers more than a sheepdog on novocaine.
How did this guy get elected? Oh, that's right... he's from Massachusetts .
That's the state that elects Mr. Charisma, John Kerry -- man of the people!
You know, if Senator Dodd were any more crooked, you could open wine bottles with him.
Here's a news flash, Dodd: when your local newspaper calls you a "lying weasel", it may be time to retire.
Dodd's involved in more shady deals than the Clintons .
Even Rangel looks up to him!
Press Secretary Robert Gibbs, I really respect you... especially given your upbringing. All you've overcome...I heard your birth certificate is an apology from the condom factory.
I don't know what makes you so dumb, but it really works for you.
Personally, I don't think you are a fool, but what's my opinion compared to that of thousands of others?
Gibbs does his best expositional work in the bathroom every morning.
As for President Obama, what can I say?
They say President Obama's arrogant and aloof, but I don't agree.
Now it's true when you enter the room, you have to kiss his ring. I don't mind, but he has it in his back pocket.
His mind is open to new ideas -- so open that ideas simply pass through it.
Obama lies so much, I was actually surprised to find out his first name really was Barack.
Just don't ask about his middle name!
But Obama was able to set a record... he actually lied more in 60 days than Bill Clinton.
As far as his administration -- what with the tax cheat and lobbyists -- well, in the words of Patches O'Houlihan, "It's like watching a bunch of retards trying to hump a doorknob out there."
With all due respect.
FOR THOSE THAT VOTED FOR "HOPE AND CHANGE"......BEND OVER AND PREPARE TO RECEIVE YOUR BOUNTY.
Top Three Adult Jokes
A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me.'
She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.'
2nd Place :
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.
The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh..'
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'
A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'
'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.'
'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied,
'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'
'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps.
'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal.
ENTREPENEURSHIP IN ACTION
This guy knows that necessity is the mother of invention.
HOW BOOBS GOT THEIR NAME
HOW TO GET TO HEAVEN FROM IRELAND
I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they
understood the concept of getting into heaven.
I asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale
and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?'
NO!' the children answered.
If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept
everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?'
Again, the answer was 'NO!' By now I was starting to smile.
'Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweets to all the
children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?'
Again, they all answered 'NO!'.
I was just bursting with pride for them.
I continued, "Then how can I get into heaven?"
A six year-old boy shouted out: "YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN' DEAD!"
A curious race, the Irish.
BARRY'S LETTER TO SANTA CLAUS
The White House
Office of the President
December 14, 2011
Dear Mr. Claus ~
As we celebrate the joyous season of Christmas, I know that I speak for many Americans in wishing you well on your trip around the globe and thanking you for the joy that you spread on an annual basis. You know I've always been a fan of yours – anyone who spends most of their time handing out gifts to people who did nothing to earn them is all right by me.
Despite my personal affection, however, the responsibilities of the presidency compel me to speak out when there are wrongs that need to be redressed. And as you saw when my administration attempted to levy a tax on Christmas trees earlier this year, we make no exceptions for the holidays. As such, I must inform you that your Christmas rounds will have to be cancelled this year unless you agree to abide by the following rules and regulations set out by my administration:
§ All elves in your workshop are to be immediately unionized. Should you fail to comply with this directive, the National Labor Relations Board is prepared to bring suit and demand that all assembly be done at a closed shop in Michigan that pays three times the prevailing wage and provides six weeks of leave time at full pay.
§ Every mile your sleigh travels over American airspace must be offset by the purchase of carbon credits. If your team can provide sufficient documentation to prove that this is an excessive financial burden, we are prepared to subsidize the purchase of a hybrid sleigh, though you will need to stop to charge the vehicle approximately once every 30 minutes.
§ The First Lady is concerned that your weight sets a bad example for America's children. In order to counteract the growing epidemic of obesity in the United States, you will no longer be allowed to consume milk and cookies in American homes. We have no intention of ruining a cherished tradition, however, so we will be instructing parents throughout the nation that it is acceptable to leave you a glass of tomato juice and a plate of tofu.
§ Our Department of Education has substantial concerns about your employment of "naughty and nice lists," which have been deemed injurious to the self-esteem of America's young people. We realize this is a valuable part of your inventory process, so we are happy to let the practice continue, provided that the lists now be referred to as "Good A" and "Good B."
§ As a matter of political prudence, the Justice Department has requested that you remain silent about the firearms we have asked you to deliver to Mexico in the past few years.
§ Finally, we know that you are considering retiring in the near future. While not a directive, we would ask that you consider Vice President Biden as your replacement. We frequently find him talking to reindeer for no good reason, and feel that it would be useful to at least put that tendency to work in a productive fashion.
I realize that many of these requests may seem onerous. However, America has always been a place where we routinely sacrifice for the good of others, and that's what we believe we are asking you to do here. We want you to think of us as your federal family – collaborators, not regulators. We're here to help. In fact, there's even a chance that you could be eligible for stimulus money if you're willing to adhere to a few basic requirements (such as delivering presents in proportion to a state's number of electoral votes).
I apologize if any of this presents an inconvenience. Please know that Michelle and I still consider you a good friend.
You're always welcome in our house,
President Barack Obama
P.S. – "You're always welcome in our house" is a figure of speech. If you try to come down the White House chimney, the Secret Service will shoot you.
A TEXAS SOLUTION
This west Texas farmer had a Wild-Hog problem.
Wild hogs can ruin a farm!
HAD IS THE KEY WORD HERE!
Is that a .50 cal. BARRETT on the dashboard?
With an M-1919 Browning ..30 cal. belt-fed MACHINE GUN topside?
Now that's a fine mess of BBQ!
Imagine how well this would work for the Border Patrol.
SPLINTERS IN HER CROTCH
A woman from Los Angeles who was a tree hugger, a liberal Democrat, and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland near Colville, WA . There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract.
She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her
In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters.
The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.
She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"
He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area, so close to a waste treatment facility.
I'm sorry, but due to Obama Care, they turned me down."
Sign In An Indiana Store Front Window
Sign in an Indiana store front window:
"WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 1000 AL QAEDA TERRORISTS THAN WITH ONE SINGLE AMERICAN SOLDIER!"
This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in Whiting, Indiana. You are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement. However, we are a society which holds Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty. And after all, it is just a sign.
You may ask what kind of business would dare post such a sign.
Owen's Funeral Home.
A SENIOR'S TRIP TO COSTCO
Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina Dog Chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, and was in the checkout line when woman behind me asked if I had a dog.What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
Costco won't let me shop there anymore.
GENERAL NOTICE REGARDING MY PIT BULL...
Please be advised I am sick to death of receiving questions about my dog, who mauled 3 Muslims sitting on a rug next to my back wall, 6 illegal's wearing Obama T-shirts, 4 Democrats wearing Pelosi T-shirts, 2 rappers, 5 phone operators who asked me to press #1 for English, 9 teenagers with their pants hanging down past their cracks, 8 Customer Service desk people speaking in broken English, 10 flag burners, and a
Pakistani taxi driver.
FOR THE LAST TIME......THE DOG IS NOT FOR SALE !!!
SIGN OF THE TIMES
1. I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
2 There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
3 Life is sexually transmitted.
4 Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
5 The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
6 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
7 Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
8 Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
9 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
10 In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it Normal .
11 How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
12 Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever Comes out'?
13 If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
14 Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
15 If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
16 If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
17 Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
18 Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
19 Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
I saw a fundamentalist Muslim extremist fall into the Rio Grande River this morning; he was struggling to stay afloat, because of all the guns and bombs he was carrying.
Along with him was an illegal Hispanic drug cartel member who was also struggling to stay afloat, because of the large backpack of drugs that was strapped to his back.
If they didn't get help, they'd surely drown.
Being a responsible Texan and abiding by the law to help those in distress, I informed the El Paso County Sheriff 's Office and the Dept of Homeland Security.
It is now 4pm, both have drowned, and neither authority has responded.
I'm starting to think I wasted two stamps.
Left to right - Princess Letizia of Spain, French First Lady Carla Bruin and, yep, you guessed it.
The one on the right is the woman telling us how and what to feed our kids.
THE BASS PRO SHOP'S BLIND CASHIER
A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.
A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes."
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. test line. It's a good all around combination and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"
He replies, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Bear Repellent is $3.50."
GOD AND ARTHUR
The Inventor of the Harley-Davidson Motorcycle, Arthur Davidson , died and went to Heaven.
At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a Good Man and Your Motorcycles have Changed the World, Your Reward is, you can Hang Out with Anyone You Want to in Heaven.'
Arthur Thought About it for a Minute and then said, 'I want to Hang-Out with God.'
St. Peter Took Arthur to the Throne Room, and Introduced Him to God.
God Recognized Arthur and Commented,'Okay, so you were the One Who Invented the Harley-Davidson Motorcycle?'
Arthur said, 'Yeah, That's Me...'
God Commented: 'Well, what's the Big Deal in Inventing Something that's Pretty Unstable, Makes Noise and Pollution and Can't Run Without a Road?'
Arthur was a Bit Embarrassed, but Finally Spoke, 'Excuse me, but Aren't You the Inventor of Woman?'
God said, 'Ah, . . . Yes.'
'Well,' said Arthur, 'Professional to Professional, You Have Some Major Design Flaws in Your Invention as well !
1. There's Too Much Inconsistency in the Front-End Suspension ~
2. It Chatters Constantly at High Speeds ~
3. Most of the Rear Ends Are Too Soft and Wobble About Too Much ~
4. The Intake is Placed 'Way Too Close to the Exhaust ~
5. And The Maintenance Costs Are Outrageous! ~
'Hmmmmm, You May Have Some Good Points There, Replied God, Hold On.God Went to His 'Celestial-Super-Computer', Typed in a Few Words and Waited for the Results.
The Computer Printed-Out a Slip of Paper and God Read It. 'Well, it May be True That My Invention is a bit Flawed,' God Said to Arthur, 'But According to These Numbers, More Men are Riding My Invention Than Yours'
WHY SHE CHANGED HOTELS
Last week, a 60 plus year old woman checked into the FourSeasons in Palm Beach and was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."
She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Damon - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right
muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a quarter off his well oiled butt.... You get
She figured, what the heck, she'll give him a call.
"Hello, ma'am, how may I help you?" . . . Oh my, she thought he sounded sooo sexy!
Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she said, "Hi, I hear you give a great massage, I'd like you to come to my room number 420 at the Four Seasons Hotel and give me one. No, wait,I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything baby. Now how does that sound?"
He says, "Oh my God ... That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."
BARNEY FRANKS NEW STYLISH PATCH
The army has now released the first info on their openly gay Battle Division this is thier new patch.
IN '15 YEAR-OLD KIDS' WE TRUST
Because the word 'God' is mentioned in the Pledge of Allegiance and The Lords Prayer and are not allowed in schools anymore, a 15 year-old kid in Ohio wrote the attached:
NEW SCHOOL PRAYER
Now I sit me down in school,
Where praying is against the rule,
For this great nation under God,
Finds mention of Him very odd,
If scripture now the class recites,
It violates the Bill of Rights,
And anytime my head I bow,
Becomes a Federal matter now.
Our hair can be purple, orange or green,
That's no offense; it's a freedom scene,
The law is specific, the law is precise,
Prayers spoken aloud are a serious vice.
For praying in a public hall.
Might offend someone with no faith at all.
In silence alone we must meditate,
God's name is prohibited by the State.
We're allowed to cuss and dress like freaks,
And pierce our noses, tongues and cheeks,
They've outlawed guns, but FIRST the Bible,
To quote the Good Book makes me liable.
We can elect a pregnant Senior Queen,
And the 'unwed daddy,' our Senior King,
It's 'inappropriate' to teach right from wrong,
We're taught that such 'judgments' do not belong.
We can get our condoms and birth controls,
Study witchcraft, vampires and totem poles,
But the Ten Commandments are not allowed,
No word of God must reach this crowd.
It's scary here I must confess,
When chaos reigns the school's a mess,
So, Lord, this silent plea I make,
Should I be shot; My soul please take!
DIVORCE vs MURDER
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into a pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
A PIGISH CALL TO ARMS?
[PIGster Terri is sounding the alarm, that it’s time to shed your...pretensions and show off your, uh, patriotism.]
DON'T FORGET NEXT SATURDAY
WALK NAKED IN AMERICA DAY
Don't forget to mark your calendars.
As you may already know, it is a sin for a Muslim male to see any woman other than his wife naked and if he does, he must commit suicide. So next Saturday at 1 PM Eastern Time, all American women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists.
Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort.
All patriotic men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their houses to demonstrate their support for the women and to prove that they are not Muslim terrorist sympathizers. Since Islam also does not approve of alcohol, a cold 6-pack at your side is further proof of your patriotism.
The American government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity.
God bless America !
4 TICKETS LEFT
I have four extra tickets for the Robbie Knievel (son of Evil Knievel) event at the Ford Center next weekend in Beaumont, Texas if anybody wants them.
Robbie is going to try to jump over 1,000 Obama supporters with a Caterpillar D-9 bulldozer.
Should be a good time.
A CRAIG'S LIST CLASSIC
This Ad Was Posted to Craig's List Personals:
To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last. Date: 05-27-09,
1:43 A M EST.
I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on my girlfriend, threatening our lives and me.
You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings.
I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.
First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment when I drew my pistol after you took my Jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.
My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 A CP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening.
Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head wasn't it?
I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from bare footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. (That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again).
After I called your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as four other people's in the gas station on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!
I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go’s, along with all the cash in your wallet. (That made his day!)
I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.
Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone.
Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what's going on with that?
Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target. The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).
In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider the career path you've chosen to pursue in life.
Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.
Have a good day!
THE TENNESSEE DEPUTY SHERIFF vs NEW YORK LAWYER
Only in Tennessee my friends... Only in Tennessee ...
A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education than any cop from Nowhere, Tennessee . He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Tennessee deputy's expense.
The deputy says, 'License and registration, please.'
'What for?' says the lawyer..
The deputy says, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'
Then the lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'
'You still didn't come to a complete stop, Says the deputy. License and registration, please.'
The lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'
'The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!' the Deputy repeats.
Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'
'That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir,' the deputy says.
At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the daylights out of the lawyer and says, 'Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?'
God Bless Tennessee.
TOY OF THE YEAR
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK...A DIFFERENT TAKE
We have enjoyed the redneck jokes for years. It's time to take a reflective look at the core beliefs of a culture that values home, family, country and God. If I had to stand before a dozen terrorists who threaten my life, I'd choose a half dozen or so rednecks to back me up.. Tire irons, squirrel guns and grit -- that's what rednecks are made of. I hope I am one of those. If you feel the same, pass this on to your redneck friends. Ya'll know who ya 'll are.
You might be a redneck if: It never occurred to you to be offended by the phrase, 'One nation, under God..'
You might be a redneck if: You've never protested about seeing the 10 Commandments posted in public places.
You might be a redneck if: You still say ' Christmas' instead of 'Winter Festival.'
You might be a redneck if: You bow your head when someone prays.
You might be a redneck if: You stand and place your hand over your heart when they play the National Anthem.
You might be a redneck if: You treat our armed forces veterans with great respect, and always have.
You might be a redneck if: You've never burned an American flag, nor intend to.
You might be a redneck if: You know what you believe and you aren't afraid to say so, no matter who is listening...
You might be a redneck if: You respect your elders and raised your kids to do the same.
You might be a redneck if: You'd give your last dollar to a friend.
MUSLIMS PART OF AMERICA'S STORY?
Obama said, in his Cairo speech: "I know, too, that Islam has always been a part of America's story.
Dear Mr. Obama:
Were those Muslims that were in America when the Pilgrims first landed?
Funny, I thought they were Native American Indians.
Were those Muslims that celebrated the first Thanksgiving Day?
Sorry again, those were Pilgrims and Native American Indians.
Can you show me one Muslim signature on the United States Constitution? Declaration of Independence? Bill of Rights? Didn't think so.
Did Muslims fight for this country's freedom from England? No.
Did Muslims fight during the Civil War to free the slaves in America?
No, they did not. In fact, Muslims to this day are still the largest traffickers in human slavery. Your own 'half brother' a devout Muslim still advocates slavery himself, even though Muslims of Arabic descent refer to black Muslims as "pug nosed slaves." Says a lot of what the Muslim world really thinks of your family's "rich Islamic heritage" doesn't it Mr.Obama?
Where were Muslims during the Civil Rights era of this country?
Not present. There are no pictures or media accounts of Muslims walking side by side with Martin Luther King Jr. or helping to advance the cause of Civil Rights.
Where were Muslims during this country's Woman's Suffrage era?
Again, not present. In fact, devout Muslims demand that women are subservient to men in the Islamic culture. So much so that often they are beaten for not wearing the 'hajib' or for talking to a man that is not a direct family member or their husband. Yep, the Muslims are all for women's rights aren't they?
Where were Muslims during World War II?
They were aligned with Adolf Hitler. The Muslim grand mufti himself met with Adolf Hitler, reviewed the troops and accepted support from the Nazi's in killing Jews.
Finally Mr. Obama, where were Muslims on Sept. 11th, 2001?
If they weren't flying planes into the World Trade Center, the Pentagon or a field in Pennsylvania killing nearly 3,000 people on our own soil, they were rejoicing in the middle east. No one can dispute the pictures shown from all parts of the Muslim world celebrating on CNN, Fox News, MSNBC and other news networks that day. Strangely, the very "moderate" Muslims who's asses you bent over backwards to kiss in Cairo, Egypt on June 4th were stone cold silent post 9-11. To many Americans, their silence has meant approval for the acts of that day.
And THAT, Mr. Obama, is the "rich heritage" Muslims have here in America.
A MESSAGE FROM 'WE THE PEOPLE'
The following letter read on Glenn Beck's show, is rapidly circulating around the country. Americans everywhere identify with this 53-year-old woman.
GLENN BECK: I got a letter from a woman in Arizona . She writes an open letter to our nation's leadership:
"I am a home grown American citizen, 53, registered Democrat all my life. Before the last presidential election I registered as a Republican because I no longer felt the Democratic Party represents my views or works to pursue issues important to me. Now I no longer feel the Republican Party represents my views or works to pursue issues important to me. The fact is I no longer feel any political party or representative in Washington represents my views or works to pursue the issues important to me. Instead, we are burdened with Congressional Dukes and Duchesses who think they know better than the citizens they are supposed to represent.
There must be someone. Please tell me who you are. Please stand up and tell me that you are there and that you're willing to fight for our Constitution as it was written. Please stand up now. You might ask yourself what my views and issues are that I would feel so
horribly disenfranchised by both major political parties. What kind of nut-job am I? Well, these briefly are the views and issues for which I seek representation:
One, Illegal Immigration. I want you to stop coddling illegal immigrants and secure our borders. Close the underground tunnels. Stop the violence and the trafficking in drugs and people. No amnesty, not again. Been there, done that, no resolution. P.S., I'm not a racist. This is not to be confused with legal immigration.
Two, The STIMULUS Bill. I want it repealed and I want no further funding supplied to it. We told you No, but you did it anyway. I want the remaining unfunded 95% repealed. Freeze, repeal.
Three: Czars. I want the circumvention of our constitutional checks and balances stopped immediately. Fire the czars. No more czars. Government officials answer to the process, not to the president. Stop trampling on our Constitution, and honor it.
Four, Cap and Trade. The debate on global warming is not over. There are many conflicting opinions and it is too soon for this radical legislation. Quit throwing our nation into politically-correct quicksand.
Five, Universal Healthcare. I will not be rushed into another expensive decision that will burden me, my children, and grandchildren. Don't you dare try to pass this in the middle of the night without even reading it. Slow down! Fix only what is broken -- we have the best health care system in the world -- and test any new program in one or two states first.
Six, Growing Government Control. I want states rights and sovereignty fully restored. I want less government in my life, not more. More is not better! Shrink it down. Mind your own business. You have enough to take care of with your real [Constitutional] obligations. Why don't you start there.
Seven, ACORN. I do not want ACORN and its affiliates in charge of our 2010 census. I want them investigated. I also do not want mandatory escrow fees contributed to them every time on every real estate deal that closes -- how did they pull that one off? Stop the funding to ACORN and its affiliates pending impartial audits and investigations. I do not trust them with taking the census with our taxpayer money. I don't trust them with any of our taxpayer money. Face up to the allegations against them and get it resolved before taxpayers get any more involved with them. If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, hello. Stop protecting your political buddies. You work for us, the people. Investigate.
Eight, Redistribution of Wealth. No, no, no. I work for my money. It is mine. I have always worked for people with more money than I have because they gave me jobs -- and that is the only redistribution of wealth that I will support. I never got a job from a poor person! Why do you want me to hate my employers? And what do you have against shareholders making a profit?
Nine, Charitable Contributions. Although I never got a job from a poor person, I have helped many in need. Charity belongs in our local communities, where we know our needs best and can use our local talent and our local resources. Butt out, please. We want to do it ourselves.
Ten, Corporate Bailouts. Knock it off. Every company must sink or swim like the rest of us. If there are hard times ahead, we'll be better off just getting into it and letting the strong survive. Quick and painful. (Have you ever ripped off a Band-Aid?) We will pull together. Great things happen in America under great hardship. Give us the chance to innovate. We cannot disappoint you more than you have disappointed us.
Eleven, Transparency and Accountability. How about it? No, really, how about it? Let's have it. Let's say we give the buzzwords a rest and have some straight honest talk. Please stop trying to manipulate and appease me with clever wording. I am not the idiot you obviously take me for. Stop sneaking around and meeting in back rooms making deals with your friends. It will only be a prelude to your criminal investigation. Stop hiding things from
Twelve, Unprecedented Quick Spending. Stop it now. Take a breath. Listen to the people. Slow down and get some input from nonpoliticians and experts on the subject. Stop making everything an emergency. Stop speed-reading our bills into law. I am not an activist. I am
not a community organizer. Nor am I a terrorist, a militant or a violent person. I am a parent and a grandparent. I work. I'm busy. I am busy, and I am tired. I thought we elected competent people to take care of the business of government so that we could work, raise our families, pay our bills, have a little recreation, complain about taxes, endure our hardships, pursue our personal goals, cut our lawn, wash our cars on the weekends and be
responsible contributing members of society and teach our children to be the same all while living in the home of the free and land of the brave.
I entrusted you with upholding the Constitution. I believed in the checks and balances to keep from getting far off course. What happened? You are very far off course. Do you really think I find humor in the hiring of a speed reader to unintelligently ramble all through a bill that you signed into law without knowing what it contained? I do not. It is a mockery of the responsibility I have entrusted to you. It is a slap in the face. I am not laughing at your arrogance. Why is it that I feel as if you would not trust me to make a single decision about my own life and how I would live it but you should expect that I should trust you with the
debt that you have laid on all of us and our children. We did not want the TARP bill. We said no. We would repeal it if we could. I am sure that we still cannot. There is needless urgency and recklessness in all of your recent spending of our tax dollars.
From my perspective, it seems that all of you have gone insane. I also know that I am far from alone in these feelings. Do you honestly feel that your current pursuits have merit to patriotic Americans? We want it to stop. We want to put the brakes on everything that is being rushed by us and forced upon us. We want our voice back. You have forced us to put our lives on hold to straighten out the mess that you are making. We will have to give up our
vacations, our time spent with our children, any relaxation time we may have had and money we cannot afford to spend on bringing our concerns to Washington. Our president often knows all the right buzzwords like "unsustainable." Well, no kidding. How many tens of thousands of dollars didthe focus group cost to come up with that word? We don't want your overpriced words. Stop treating us like we're morons.
We want all of you to stop focusing on your reelection and do the job we want done, not the job you want done or the job your party wants done. You work for us and at this rate I guarantee you not for long because we are coming. We will be heard and we will be represented. You think we're so busy with our lives that we will never come for you? We are the formerly silent majority, all of us who quietly work, pay taxes, obey the law, vote, save money, keep our noses to the grindstone... and we are now looking at you.
You have awakened us, the patriotic freedom spirit so strong and so powerful that it had been sleeping too long. You have pushed us too far. Our numbers are great. They may surprise you. For every one of us who will be there, there will be hundreds more that could not come. Unlike you, we have their trust. We will represent them honestly, rest assured. They will be at the polls on voting day to usher you out of office.
We have cancelled vacations. We will use our last few dollars saved. We will find the representation among us and a grassroots campaign will flourish. We didn't ask for this fight. But the gloves are coming off. We do not come in violence, but we are angry. You will represent us or you will be replaced with someone who will. There are candidates among us who will rise like a Phoenix from the ashes that you have made of our constitution.
Democrat, Republican, Independent, Libertarian. Understand this. We don't care. Political parties are meaningless to us Patriotic Americans are willing to do right by us and our Constitution, and that is all that matters to us now. We are going to fire all of you who abuse power and seek more. It is not your power. It is ours and we want it back. We entrusted you with it and you abused it. You are dishonorable. You are dishonest. As Americans we are ashamed of you. You have brought shame to us. If you are not representing the wants and needs of your constituency loudly and consistently, in spite of the objections of your party, you will be fired. Did you hear? We no longer care about your political parties. You need to be loyal to us, not to them.. Because we will get you fired and they will not save you.
If you do or can represent me, my issues, my views, please stand up. Make your identity known. You need to make some noise about it. Speak up. I need to know who you are. If you do not speak up, you will be herded out with the rest of the sheep and we will replace the whole damn congress if need be one by one. We are coming. Are we coming for you? Who do you represent? What do you represent? Listen. Because we are coming. 'We The People' are coming.
PARTY CRASHING PARASITES
Here is a picture of the couple that snuck into the White House looking for fame and attention but didn't have the proper credentials.
Don't bother watching the next Oscars.
The Chosen One has already won it for Best Actor...
THE COW AND THE ICE CREAM
"We are worried about 'the cow' when it is all about the 'Ice Cream.'
The most eye-opening civics lesson I ever had was while teaching third grade this year...
The presidential election was heating up and some of the children showed an interest.
I decided we would have an election for a class president.
We would choose our nominees. They would make a campaign speech and the class would vote.
To simplify the process, candidates were nominated by other class members.
We discussed what kinds of characteristics these students should have.
We got many nominations and from those, Jamie and Olivia were picked to run for the top spot.
The class had done a great job in their selections. Both candidates were good kids.
I thought Jamie might have an advantage because he got lots of parental support.
I had never seen Olivia's mother.
The day arrived when they were to make their speeches.
Jamie went first.
He had specific ideas about how to make our class a better place. He ended by promising to do his very best.
Everyone applauded and he sat down.
Now is was Olivia's turn to speak.
Her speech was concise.
She said, "If you will vote for me, I will give you ice cream."
She sat down.
The class went wild. "Yes! Yes! We want ice cream."
She surely would say more. She did not have to.
A discussion followed. How did she plan to pay for the ice cream?
She wasn't sure.
Would her parents buy it or would the class pay for it.
She didn't know.
The class really didn't care.
All they were thinking about was ice cream.
Jamie was forgotten.. Olivia won by a landslide.
Every time Barack Obama opened his mouth he offered ice cream and 52 percent of the people reacted like nine year olds.
They want ice cream.
The other 48 percent know they're going to have to feed the cow and clean up the mess."
This is the ice cream Obama promised us!
Remember, the government cannot give anything to anyone that they have not first taken away from someone else......
LITLE GIRL ON A PLANE
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'
'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.
OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic.
But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - . Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'
The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'
To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?
MONDAY MORNING QUARTERBACKING
COMING SOON: FREE MEDICAL CARE
DETROIT SCHOOL SYSTEM
How would you pronounce this child's name:
Lee - A?? NOPE
Lay - a?? NO
Lei?? Guess Again.
This child attends a school in Detroit , MI .. Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong.
It's pronounced "Ledasha", When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said, "the dash don't be silent."
SO, if you see something come across your desk like this please remember to pronounce the dash.
If they axe you why, tell dem dat the dash don't be silent.
PHYSICIANS' OPINION OF FINANCIAL BAIL OUT PACKAGE
The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
LETTER TO THE EDITOR
The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.
The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.
Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.
Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Paediatricians said, 'Oh, Grow up!'
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.
Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.
The Anaesthesiologists thought the whole idea would make him pass out, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington.
This is a very good letter to the editor. This woman made some good points. For some reason, people have difficulty structuring their arguments when arguing against supporting the currently proposed immigration revisions. This lady made the argument pretty simple. NOT printed in the Orange County Paper.........
Newspapers simply won't publish letters to the editor which they either deem politically incorrect (read below) or which does not agree with the philosophy they're pushing on the public. This woman wrote a great letter to the editor that should have been published; but, with your help it will get published via cyberspace!
From: 'David LaBonte'
My wife, Rosemary, wrote a wonderful letter to the editor of the OC Register which, of course, was not printed. So, I decided to 'print' it myself by sending it out on the Internet. Pass it along if you feel so inclined.
Written in response to a series of letters to the editor in the Orange County Register:
So many letter writers have based their arguments on how this land is made up of immigrants. Ernie Lujan for one, suggests we should tear down the Statue of Liberty because the people now in question aren't being treated the same as those who passed through Ellis Island and other ports of entry.
Maybe we should turn to our history books and point out to people like Mr. Lujan why today's American is not willing to accept this new kind of immigrant any longer. Back in 1900 when there was a rush from all areas of Europe to come to the United States, people had to get off a ship and stand in a long line in New York and be documented. Some would even get down on their hands and knees and kiss the ground. They made a pledge to uphold the laws and support their new country in good and bad times. They made learning English a primary rule in their new American households and some even changed their names to blend in with their new home.
They had waved good bye to their birth place to give their children a new life and did everything in their power to help their children assimilate into one culture. Nothing was handed to them. No free lunches, no welfare, no labor laws to protect them. All they had were the skills and craftsmanship they had brought with them to trade for a future of prosperity.
Most of their children came of age when World War II broke out. My father fought along side men whose parents had come straight over from Germany, Italy, France, and Japan. None of these 1st generation Americans ever gave any thought about what country their parents had come from. They were Americans fighting Hitler, Mussolini and the Emperor of Japan. They were defending the United States of America as one people.
When we liberated France, no one in those villages were looking for the French-American or the German-American or the Irish-American. The people of France saw only Americans. And we carried one flag that represented one country. Not one of those immigrant sons would have thought about picking up another country's flag and waving it to represent who they were. It would have been a disgrace to their parents who had sacrificed so much to be here. These immigrants truly knew what it meant to be an American. They stirred the melting pot into one red, white and blue bowl.
And here we are in 2008 with a new kind of immigrant who wants the same rights and privileges, only they want to achieve it by playing with a different set of rules, one that includes the entitlement card and a guarantee of being faithful to their mother country. I'm sorry, that's not what being an American is all about. I believe that the immigrants who landed on Ellis Island in the early 1900's deserve better than that for all the toil, hard work and sacrifice in raising future generations to create a land that has become a beacon for those legally searching for a better life I think they would be appalled that they are being used as an example by those waving foreign country flags.
And for that suggestion about taking down the Statue of Liberty, it happens to mean a lot to the citizens who are voting on the immigration bill. I wouldn't start talking about dismantling the United States just yet.
(signed) Rosemary LaBonte
BOTTLE OF WINE
Women will LOVE this one!
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways.
After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers.
The woman says, 'So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days.'
Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God! But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive.'
The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune..' She hands the bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'
The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police....'
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are clever, evil bitches. Don't mess with them
50 YEARS OF MATH 1959 - 2009 (In The USA)
Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried. Why do I tell you this? Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:
1. Teaching Math In 1950's
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.
What is his profit ?
2. Teaching Math In 1960's
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80.
What is his profit?
3. Teaching Math In 1970's
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?
4. Teaching Math In 1980's
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20.
Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
5. Teaching Math In 1990's
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and
cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands.
He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living?
Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels
feel as the logger cut down their homes?
(There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's OK. )
6. Teaching Math In 2009
Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100.
El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?
An Interesting Event in Victoria, Texas
Victoria, Texas (pop. 55,000) is a town about 80 miles west of Houston.
Local Hispanic leaders there, in opposition to pending Immigration Legislation, boycotted all Caucasian owned businesses in the Victoria area this past weekend as a demonstration of their economic impact on the community.
The boycott was declared a success by the Hispanic community, noting that revenue in Caucasian owned businesses was down by 19%.
LINCOLN AND OBAMA
Non-Hispanic Business owners declared the boycott a success as well, pointing out that shoplifting was reduced by 77%, money orders sent out of the country were down by 97%, and the cost of daily clean-up and trash collection was down by 84%. Shoppers reported that they could actually hear English being spoken throughout the community for the first time in recent memory, and customers actually paid for purchases with real money, not government debit cards.
The similarities are just.......amazing.
1. Lincoln placed his hand on the Bible for his inauguration. Obama used the same Bible..
2. Lincoln came from Illinois. Obama comes from Illinois.
3. Lincoln served in the Illinois Legislature. Obama served in the Illinois Legislature.
4. Lincoln had very little experience before becoming President. Obama had very little experience before becoming President.
5. Lincoln rode the train from Philadelphia to Washington for his inauguration. Obama rode the train from Philadelphia to Washington for his inauguration.
6. Lincoln was a skinny lawyer. Obama is a skinny lawyer.
7. Lincoln was a Republican. Obama is a skinny lawyer.
8. Lincoln was highly respected. Obama is a skinny lawyer.
9. Lincoln was born in the United States. Obama is a skinny lawyer.
10. Lincoln was called Honest Abe. Obama is a skinny lawyer.
PSALM 2008 - 2012: FROM THE FIRST BOOK OF DEMOCRAT
OBAMA IS MY SHEPHERD, I SHALL NOT WANT.
HE LEADETH ME BESIDE STILL FACTORIES.
HE RESTORETH MY FAITH IN THE REPUBLICAN PARTY.
HE GUIDETH ME IN THE PATH OF UNEMPLOYMENT.
YEA, THOUGH I WALK THROUGHT THE VALLEY
OF THE BREAD LINE I SHALL NOT GO HUNGRY.
OBAMA HAS ANOINTED MY INCOME WITH TAXES,
MY EXPENSES RUNNETH OVER MY INCOME,
SURELY, POVERTY AND HARD LIVING WILL FOLLOW ME ALL THE DAYS OF MY
FROM HENCE FORTH WE WILL LIVE ALL THE DAYS
OF OUR LIVES IN A RENTED HOME WITH AN OVERSEAS LANDLORD.
BUT I AM GLAD I AM AN AMERICAN, I AM GLAD THAT I AM FREE.
BUT I WISH I WAS A DOG AND OBAMA A TREE.
DR. SEUSS'S BOOKS FOR OLDER KIDS
WHAT TO WEAR WHEN YOUR WIFE HAS CHORES FOR YOU
HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK
1. Open a new file in your computer.
2. Name it 'Barack Obama'.
3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.
4. Empty the Recycle Bin.
5. Your PC will ask you: 'Do you really want to get rid of 'Barack Obama?'
6. Firmly Click 'Yes.'
7. Feel better?
Tomorrow we'll do Nancy Pelosi!
EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH
A young guy from Wisconsin moves to Florida and goes to a big everything-under-one-roof department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, 'Do you have any sales experience?'
The kid says 'Yeah. I was a salesman back in Wisconsin .'
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. 'You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did.'
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the boss came down. 'How many customers bought something from you today?'
The kid says, 'One.'
The boss says, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?'
The kid says, '$101,237.65.'
The boss says, '$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?'
The kid says, 'First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition'
The boss said 'A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?'
The kid said 'No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'
A farmer from Vandalia, Illinois, attends a social function where Governor Blagojevich is holding court, and trying to gather support to fight his impeachment.
Once he discovers the man is a farmer, he starts to belittle him by talking in a southern-type drawl and using only single syllable words.
As Blagojevich was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer says, "Y'all havin' problems with them circle flies?"
Blago stopped talking and said, "Well, yes, if that's what they're called. But I've never heard of circle flies."
"Well sir," the farmer replies, "circle flies hang around farms. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."
"Oh," Blagojevich replies and goes back to his rambling. But, a moment later he stops and bluntly asks, "Are you calling me a horse's Ass?"
"No, sir," the farmer replies, "I have too much respect for the citizens of Illinois to call their Governor a horse's ass."
"That's a good thing," Blago responds and begins rambling on once more.
After a short pause, the farmer, in his best downstate drawl says, "Hard to fool them flies though."
A new element has been discovered:
Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science.
The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.
Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from four days to four years to complete.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6 years; It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.
In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.
When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.
FLORIDA COURT SETS ATHEIST HOLY DAY
In Florida, an atheist created a case against the upcoming Easter and Passover holy days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians, Jews and observances of their holy days.
The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days.
The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring, "Case dismissed!"
The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the ruling saying, "Your honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and others. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays."
The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, "But you do. Your client, counsel, is woefully ignorant."
The lawyer said, "Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists."
The judge said, "The calendar says April 1st is April Fools Day. Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.'
Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day.
Court is adjourned.
You gotta love a Judge that knows his scripture!
One spring day in 2009, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue where he had been sitting on a park bench.
The old man spoke to the Marine on guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama."
The Marine replied, "Sir, Mr. Obama is not the President and does not reside here."
The old man said, "Okay," and walked away.
The following day, the same old man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama".
The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Obama is not the President and does not reside here." The old man thanked him and again walked away.
The third day, the same old man approached the White House and said to the very same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama."
The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have come here asking to speak to Mr. Obama. I've told you each time that Mr. Obama is not the President and does not reside here. Do you not understand?"
The old man answered, "Oh yes, I understand. I just love hearing your say it!"
T. ROOSEVELT ON IMMIGRATION
The year is 1907, one hundred years ago......
Theodore Roosevelt's ideas on Immigrants and being an AMERICAN in 1907.
'In the first place, we should insist that if the immigrant who comes here in good faith becomes an American and assimilates himself to us, he shall be treated on an exact equality with everyone else, for it is an outrage to discriminate against any such man because of creed, or birthplace, or origin. But this is predicated upon the person's becoming in every facet an American, and nothing but an American...There can be no divided allegiance here. Any man who says he is an American, but something else also, isn't an American at all. We have room for but one flag, the American flag... We have room for but one language here, and that is the English language... and we have room for but one sole loyalty and that is a loyalty to the American people.'
- Theodore Roosevelt 1907
TIGER WOODS SPEECH AT THE 2009 INAUGURATION
Tiger Woods received a special invitation to speak at the inauguration. His inviters were stunned, shocked when he did not deliver the message they expected. A brief read and you will understand why the media swept Woods' remarks under the rug with no further ado and why the liberal left of our American society was again displeased with Tiger.
His speech was entitled: "You'll Never Walk Alone" [text is word-for-word as posted on Tiger's web site]
"I grew up in a military family - and my role models in life were my Mom and Dad, Lt. Colonel Earl Woods. My dad was a Special Forces operator and many nights friends would visit our home. They represented every branch of the service, and every rank.
In my Dad, and in those guests, I saw first hand the dedication and commitment of those who serve. They come from every walk of life; from every part of our country. Time and again, across generations, they have defended our safety in the dark of night and far from home.
Each day - and particularly on this historic day - we honor the men and women in uniform who serve our country and protect our freedom. They travel to the dangerous corners of the world, and we must remember that for every person who is in uniform, there are families who wait for them to come home safely.
I am honored that the military is such an important part, not just of my personal life, but of my professional one as well. The golf tournament we do each year here in Washington is a testament to those unsung heroes.
I am the son of a man who dedicated his life to his country, family and the military, and I am a better person for it.
In the summer of 1864, Abraham Lincoln, the man at whose memorial we stand, spoke to the 164th Ohio Regiment and said: 'I am greatly obliged to you, and to all who have come forward at the call of their country.'
Just as they have stood tall for our country - we must always stand by and support the men and women in uniform and their families.
Thank you, and it is now my pleasure to introduce the US Naval Glee Club ...."
Tiger Woods' 2-minute, 5-second tribute to the our nation's military was delivered January 18th at the Inaugural Celebration in Washington , DC!
He had been subjected to intense pressure to attend and offer remarks. Especially so by liberals who have demeaned and criticized him for a decade for not joining their ranks. Yet, at the Lincoln Memorial, instead of paying homage to Barack Obama, Tiger paid tribute to our soldiers. Not once did Tiger mention Obama, the inauguration or the new administration. He had to understand expressing his love for America and appreciation for our military men and women would disappoint the national newsmedia and the liberal left.
But Tiger is his own man; his father taught him to be his own man.
Somewhere over that cold, gray Washington sky, Colonel Earl Woods was smiling down on his beloved son. And there will be one more crying hug waiting for Tiger when the time comes he passes through heaven's gates into God's arms.
What? You did not previously know what Tiger said? You did not see a video clip of him speaking on a national television network, you did not see a photo of Tiger at the Lincoln Memorial offering his remarks, you did not read a story in the NY Times? His appearance at the Inaugural Celebration had been widely hailed and promoted in advance by the Obama inaugural organizers .. . . yet January 18 when he came and spoke . . . Oh, well.
ODE TO TAXES
At first I thought this was funny...then I realized the awful truth of it. Be sure to read all the way to the end!
Tax his land,
Tax his bed,
Tax the table
At which he's fed.
Tax his tractor,
Tax his mule,
Teach him taxes
Are the rule.
Tax his work,
Tax his pay,
He works for peanuts
Tax his cow,
Tax his goat,
Tax his pants,
Tax his coat.
Tax his ties,
Tax his shirt,
Tax his work,
Tax his dirt.
Tax his tobacco,
Tax his drink,
Tax him if he
Tries to think.
Tax his cigars,
Tax his beers,
If he cries Tax his tears.
Tax his car,
Tax his gas,
Find other ways
To tax his ass.
Tax all he has
Then let him know
That you won't be done
Till he has no dough.
When he screams and hollers,
Then tax him more,
Tax him till
He's good and sore.
Then tax his coffin,
Tax his grave,
Tax the sod in
Which he's laid.
Put these words
Upon his tomb,
'Taxes drove me to my doom...'
When he's gone,
Do not relax,
It's time to apply
The inheritance tax.
Accounts Receivable Tax
Building Permit Tax
CDL license Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Dog License Tax
Federal Income Tax
Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Fuel Permit Tax
Gasoline Tax (42 cents per gallon)
Gross Receipts Tax
Hunting License Tax
IRS Interest Charges IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax)
Marriage License Tax
Personal Property Tax
Real Estate Tax
Service Charge Tax
So Social Security Tax
Road Usage Tax
Recreational Vehicle Tax
State Income Tax
State Unemployment Tax (SUTA)
Telephone Federal Excise Tax
Telephone Federal Universal Service Fee Tax
Telephone Federal, State and Local Surcharge Taxes
Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax
Telephone Recurring and Non-recurring Charges Tax
Telephone State and Local Tax
Telephone Usage Charge Tax
Vehicle License Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Watercraft Registration Tax
Well Permit Tax
Workers Compensation Tax
STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY?
Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago, and our nation was the most prosperous in the world.
We had absolutely no national debt, had the largest middle class in the world, and Mom stayed home to raise the kids.
What in the hell happened? Can you spell 'politicians!'
And I still have to 'press 1' for English!?!?!?!?