PIG NEWS DIGEST | INTELLECTUAL FLATLINERS | CRIMINAL STUPIDITY | DARWINIAN JUSTICE

JANUARY 2004

Our First Golden D'oh Epic
Source: Newsday

When you're under house arrest on a drug charge, don't celebrate the New Year by standing on your front lawn firing a gun into the air. Don't take my word for it, ask Philly denizen, Luis Otero, a man who did just that and earned 5 years up the river for being a felon with a firearm. Congratulations Luis, you're our first 2004 Golden D'oh candidate.

Snap Crackle Pop In North Carolina
Source: PIG News Wire

A Southern-fried rustic managed to get his remote-controlled plane stuck up a tree, so he fetched a long metal pole to dislodge it with amazing results. We aren't sure if he got his plane down, but we know for a fact that he got a fatal electrical infusion when his metal pole played 'tag, you're it' with a power line. Before you can say 'zap' he got a room temperature transition and the dubious honor of becoming this pagan's first human gene pool improvement inductee for 2004. Posthumous kudos are eagerly bestowed by this pagan scribbler.

Inseparable To The End
Source: The Advocate (Baton Rouge, LA)

After a New Year's eve fusillade with a 9mm pistol, Mark Gagne decided he and his weapon needed a boob tube infusion. He checked the weapon by pulling back the slide, then stuffed the gun between his right leg and the arm of his chair while he zoned out on boob tube fare. About 3am, he Emerilized his antics with a 9mm 'Bam' because he forgot that pulling back the 9mm's slide left the gun cocked.

'...As he tried to rise from the chair to go to bed, Gnagie pushed on the chair's pillow-type arm, which caused the pistol to fire...' (Advocate)

By the time his wife called 911 and the paramedics got there - no more than 4 minutes later - sure-shot bled himself into a room temperature transition. Human gene pool improvement? You better damn believe it, self-inflicted wound Sparky.

A Second Amendment Epic
Source: NBC

A Columbus (Ohio) denizen gave three home invasion desperados a Constitutional lesson when she demonstrated her Second Amendment right 'to keep and bear arms'. They broke in, she grabbed her gun, then sent them packing with a fusillade that wounded one and had all three frantically trying to escape. Maybe these Buckeye desperados should use their gray bar hotel stay to do some remedial 'home study' on the Second Amendment's real world implications.

Kudos to this Constitutionally-correct woman for her timely marksmanship demonstration.

A Puzzling Intellectual Flat-Liner Epic
Source: The Home News Tribune (New Jersey)

A Colonia (New Jersey) denizen tried - and nearly succeeded - to blow himself up when he got an explosive brain-fart that included gun powder in significant quantities. Since this happened in the early hours on January 1, we can safely assume he intended to perpetrate some noisy New Year celebration. Given the facts, we can also assume that he'd imbibed adult beverage in significant quantities.

His stunt started in the wee hours when he dug a hole in his front yard and filled it with gun powder. He then Emerilized his adventure giving new meaning to Emeril's legendary 'BAM':

'...He then leaned over the pit and proceeded to light the substance with a lighter. It blew up in his face, knocking him back on the ground and setting him on fire...' (Home News Tribune)

KA-BOOM! Our hero lands several feet away, with second and third degree burns on his upper body including his hands, arms, chest and face. If you see Mother Nature, ask her why, exactly, she decided to spare this idiot. It's an Enquiring minds want to know thing.

A 'Daring' Desperado?
Source: PIG New Wire

An Arkansas desperado - described as a 'Hispanic' who uses 'kids clothes for a mask' when he perpetrates his armed robbery capers - seems to have all the necessary crime spree credentials, with one notable exception. When, armed with an unidentified weapon, he tried to rob a Fort Smith, Arkansas stop and rob outlet, the store owner saw his weapon and raised him by pulling out a sword. That fast, our nadless desperado - wearing some kid's overalls over his face to hide his shame, no doubt - beat a hasty retreat.

Attention aspiring desperados: Nads are not optional equipment. Don't leave home without them. You heard it here, first.

Our First 2004 Turkey Fryer Inferno
Source: Ledger-Inquirer (Columbus, Georgia)

If you ever wondered what would happen if you set up a known fire hazzard called a turkey fryer on an apartment building balcony, wonder no more, because a Georgia intellectual flat-liner tried it, managed to destroy an eight unit apartment complex and lef at least 17 people homeless. If you require the thrilling details, knock yourself out:

'..."A guy was deep-frying a turkey on the patio, and when he took the turkey out and came back he noticed the grease on fire," [Fire Capt. Greg] Lang said...' (Ledger-Inquirer)

Sooner or later, some shyster will deem turkey fryers a public policy crisis then sue the socks off capitalists who sell these ready-made infernos to intellectual flat-liners. I can't wait to get started, because this scribbler loves these turkey fryer inferno epics. So sue me...On second thought...never mind.

Human Gene Pool Improvement
Source: Courier (Waterloo, Cedar Falls Iowa)

A 19-year old cornhusker dude managed to inflict a fatal knife wound on himself during a hunting trip. Apparently, he carried the knife, unsheathed, stumbled, severed an artery in his leg with the 6-inch carver, then bled to death before he could get proper medical attention. Since he's 19, you'd think that human gene pool improvement has been achieved, but that's only partially true.

Our hero is recently married - last November - with a 15-month-old daughter. You don't need a super computer to determine that baby girl preceded her parents nuptials by a year or more. A 19-year-old who is married and a father? What's wrong with this picture? This is no shit a time when this pagan must caution: don't try this at home.

Adventures In Blue I
Source: Lexington Herald-Leader (Kentucky)

If you're wanted for attempted murder and kidnaping then get lost, asking for directions is cool, unless the men you ask are off-duty cops. Our hero asked and they answered, but something about our hero wasn't quite right so they ran his plates. Spooked, the directionally-challenged desperado took off with the men in blue in hot pursuit.

Faster than you can say 'spike strip' our hero's ride is black flagged and he's a guest in the city's gray bar hotel. Case closed. The trouble with asking is that you can't be that sure you'll like the answer.

Adventures in Blue II
Source: ABC (Philly)

A motorist got, understandably, annoyed when a clown driving an SUV ignored the traffic signal and kept talking to a dude on the sidewalk. Eventually, the motorist pulled alongside the SUV asshat then told the dude to pull over and stop blocking traffic. The SUV clown cussed the motorist - not his smartest move - since the motorist in question is a cop driving an unmarked police car.

'...The SUV driver, identified by police as Rico Cordero of Allentown, had his license suspended and the 2003 SUV he was driving had been stolen in Bethlehem, police said...' (ABC)

Already in hot water for driving a stolen ride on a suspended license, Rico Emerilized his justice system encounter by being caught possessing cocaine and 'a large amount of cash'. Rico's mouthing off to a cop landed this dipstick in serious shit. The various charges mean that Rico will have ample time for a refresher course in good manners. That works for this pagan scribbler.

Cheesehead Chump
Source: Fon Du Lac Reporter (Wisconsin)

'Cheesehead' takes on a new meaning thanks to Wisconsin denizen, Timothy Dumouchel. This intellectual flat-liner is suing his cable company (Charter Communications) because he, his wife and their offspring are all couch potatoes. I know what you're thinking and so does Tim who played 'disconnect my damn cable' with Charter for more than 4 years now, but the company never gets the job done. Going the extra mile he moved his boob tube into the basement, far from the cable outlet, but his bride moved it right back and re-connected the cable.

'..."I believe that the reason I smoke and drink every day and my wife is overweight is because we watched TV every day for the last four years," Dumouchel stated in a written complaint against the company...' (Reporter)

Tim wants '$5,000 or three computers, and a lifetime supply of free Internet service from Charter Communications' (Reporter), but that prods this pagan scribbler to bring up several issues with Timmy boy:

1 - It's not Charter's fault that your wife wears the plus-size pants in the family, Tim.
2- Try not paying your cable bill and see how fast Charter dumps you.
3 - Internet addiction is rampant and expensive: pay for play porn, on-line shopping, E-Bay. All you're doing is trading one compulsion for another, dude.

Tim, dude the solution is obvious. First, take all your boob tubes to the nearest landfill. Next, take family - walking - trips to a local bookstore and/or library, then get your entertainment from books. Finally, grow a god damn spine.

This is all Charter's fault? I way don't think so, Tim.

Thawing Out - Instantaneously
Source: Ananova

A Croat bright bulb who found his car engine frozen decided to thaw it out with 'hot' off the presses results. Piling up papers beneath the car's engine compartment, he - I am not making this up - set the papers on fire. The ensuing explosion rendered moot the 'burning' question - Is the engine thawed yet - but did confirm, to everyone's satisfaction that this Croat bright bulb is dumber than a box of rocks. Do I really need to warn my real winter readers not to try this at home? Probably not, but consider yourselves warned, anyway.

Criminally Stupid
Source: Stealth News Wire

If you're driving a stolen pickup truck that's loaded with stolen loot, get a flat tire and need help, calling the men in blue for roadside assistance is not an idea whose time has come. Believe it or not, that's what a certain twenty-something Kansas desperado did, forcing this pagan scribbler to ask: Dude, what the hell were you smoking. Our hero has ample time to consider that - and assorted other life-transforming questions - now that he's housed in the local gray bar hotel.

Dumber than a box of rocks? You better believe it, Jayhawker Sparky.

An Improbable Snakebite Adventure
Source: PIG News Wire

A light-fingered Jersey thief got a painful reality check from Mother Nature's little helpers when he stole two snakes from a local pet store. Grabbing the snakes he stuffed them into a special bag he'd sewn into his pants, setting the stage for our Paul Harvey moment.

While the twenty-something thief drove home with two tiger pythons in his pants, one critter escaped the bag, wrapped itself around his leg then repaid its liberator by biting the dude...in the nads! Am I the only one who noticed that Mother Nature is a very twisted witch? I doubt it, but consider yourselves warned, loyal readers.

The Human Factor
Source: Seattle Times, AP

Two stories from Spokane (Washington) illustrate, perfectly, how unforseen human intrusions can spoil a caper:

Item 1: Citizen's Arrest
No matter how carefully a caper is planned, there's no way to anticipate a pesky variable called 'the human factor'. A recent bank heist in Spokane (Washington) illustrates this point, perfectly. It all went as planned for a certain desperado, until the damn human factor exploded in his face.

He entered the bank, brandished his gun and had the situation well in hand when...

'...The customer standing behind him felt threatened, and punched [Eric Lynn] Heartburg, [police spokesman Dick] Cottam said. Heartburg and the customer began wrestling, and other customers piled on and kicked the gun out of the would-be robber's hand...' (Times)

That's right, true crime fans, bank customers jumped Eric and 'held him for police'...held him for police is polite fishwrap prose for 'beat the living snot out him'. Some days, it just doesn't pay to get out of bed. So be it.

Item 2: Lost and Found
Three terminally-bored, intellectually-challenged Spokane punks hatched a brain-fart that taught them a valuable lesson. It started when, spotting a Denny's restaurant, they stripped down to the buff, left their clothes in their ride with the motor running for a quick getaway, then headed for the eatery, stark naked. Streaking died decades ago dudes, and your antics won't bring it back anytime soon:

'...the streakers watched through the windows as a man who had been eating inside the restaurant drove off in their car...' AP

Unable to escape and unwilling to endure the stares inside the eatery, the asshat trio hide behind cars, shivering in the 20-degree weather until the men in blue arrived to offer them a ride and a blanket. Deeming this 'no harm, no foul', neither the eatery or the cops pressed charges. The dreaded human factor is two for two in Spokane.

Improving the Human Gene Pool, With a Bang
Source: NBC

Two armed and clueless teens from Mississippi practiced their marksmanship in an abandoned house, with stop the presses results. Using a 20-gauge shotgun, they used 'an old army ammunition box' for target practice. When they hit it, everyone for miles around knew about it.

'...West Marion High School student Marshall McCleod was critically injured and later died at a local hospital after his friend Tyler Thomas shot an army ammunition box with a 20-gauge shotgun...' (NBC)

When the dynamite that filled the box exploded, everyone within a 5 mile radius heard it go off. That leaves us with the essential question. Were these dipsticks knowingly blazing away at a box full of dynamite, or is this just a propitious factoid? Guns don't always kill, but stupidity is, invariably, lethal.

Victimless Crimes?
Source: Ananova

Philadelphia cops who wasted time and tax dollars staking out a local play for pay, horizontal entertainment purveyor, got a nasty shock when they spotted a very familiar face emerging from this notorious pleasure palace. That brings us to our Paul Harvey Moment and the rest of the story:

'...Runnymede Borough officials say Police Chief James Martin Leason has been suspended without pay and charged with promoting prostitution. Leason has also been charged with misconduct in office. He could face up to 15 years in prison if convicted. He was released Monday on a $5,000 bond...' (Ananova)

City hacks are shocked, shocked I tell you, but I'm singularly unimpressed by their chest beating. If anything is shocking here it's the criminal waste of precious police resources on a victimless crime like prostitution. Chief Leason deserves whatever he gets for being a hypocrite. Obviously, he knows that prostitution laws are asinine infringements on inalienable liberty, but he lacks that nads to do the right thing about it. Book him, Dano, hypocrisy in the first degree.

FEBRUARY 2004

Bright Bulb Adventures
Sources: Ledger (Lakeland, Florida); AP

Two bright bulb epics made the news worth reading today.

Splashdown
Sheridan, Wyoming denizen, Wayland Williams decided to liven things up so he drove through a fence and attempted to jump a pond with his venerable ride. Yahoo! Crash! Splash! Still dripping, reality began to intrude on our hero when the cops arrived. Since he'd perpetrated his stunt on government land, the State nailed him for polluting the pristine pond and sentenced him to 270 days in a gray bar hotel. This involuntary 'time out' should give him ample time to consider better ways to kill off the small town blues.

Impatience Is Painful
A North Carolina dolt named Thomas Faison is - at 45 - old enough to know better, but he did it, anyway. Blocked by a stationary train, he surrendered to his mounting impatience after a stress-inducing 10-15 minutes waiting for the damn thing to move.

'...[he] was trying to squeeze under the cars when the train began backing up Tuesday night, said Lumberton police Officer Steve Hardin...' (AP)

Thanks to his impatience, our hero had one leg nearly amputated and the other severely fractured. In serious condition at Duke University's medical center, our impatient hero can practice the relevant pagan scribbler mantra: Don't try this at home.

Mystery Solved?
Source: AP

The White House, inadvertently, demonstrated why the Bush minions can't find Iraq's WMDs, and they did it in flyover country. Based on this thrilling epic, it's obvious that reading a map is a challenge that all the president's men haven't mastered. Lining up all the political ducks in a row for a Lapdog visit to Springfield, Missouri, these geographically- challenged dweebs contacted the officials in Springfield...Illinois.

'..the Secret Service called Springfield, Ill., this week trying to arrange a visit by President George W. Bush. But then the president's security detail realized its mistake, understanding Bush wanted to go to the Show-Me State and not the Land of Lincoln...' (AP)

Perhaps, we'd have more luck finding Saddam's WMD stockpiles if those in charge knew rudimentary geography. Given this Springfield caper, I'm wondering if we dispatched our seekers to the right country. Just in case, the Lapdog needs a hint, I'll remind him that we're not looking for Saddam's WMDs in Iran...He needs to look for them in Iraq.

Flatliner Epics - Foreign And Domestic
Source: AFP, NBC, Ananova

Near and far, alleged humans continue to amaze and amuse this pagan scribbler. Today we offer three stop the presses epics, one from far off Finland, another from Russia, plus one that's pathetically close to home in Hell-A.

Human Crash Dummy
A Finnish dude got mega potted on whatever passes for adult beverage in Finland and went on a one-dolt demolition derby drive. According to this surrender monkey news service, the dude 'collided with no fewer than 10 cars in the space of eight minutes' (AFP) before ending his adventure by doing a header into a wall. Since his adventure in vehicular ineptitude occurred at slow speeds, only inanimate objects got damaged.

Nobody, including the proper authorities was shocked senseless when this clown's blood alcohol level came in a whopping 4-times the legal limit. Holy unsafe at any speed, Batman!

Daddy's Last Brainfart
A Hell-A denizen catching some quality time with his teenage son, achieved room temperature when he decided to thrill the lad spitless by - I am not making this up - roping a passing train. This exercise in stupidity involved a shopping cart, a bottle and a rope that linked them together. The brilliant notion involved throwing the bottle in the train's path, then watching the train drag the shopping cart along with it. Huge fun, but the stunt veered off the tracks when daddy got tangled by the rope, sending him bouncing down the train tracks, along with the shopping cart.

Proving that 'well duh' is alive and well in Hell-A bureaucracy, Coroner's office spokes-dolts attributed this asshat's room temperature transition to "multiple blunt-force injuries". No shit, Sherlock.

Risky Ruskie Sex Games
A Russian dolt put a new spin on 'kinky sex', when he permanently bent his wang during a sex game. According to Ananova 'he will have a bent penis for the rest of his life after trapping it in a padlock'. It took Russian firemen at least an hour to liberate the dude's wang. They tried cold water and grease, then finally freed the dolt's little soldier with a saw. We're left to imagine how thrilled the firemen were over this rescue. And you think your job stinks!

Home-Brewed Inferno
Source: Daily News-Record (Harrisonburg, Virginia)

Craving a brewskie and too cheap to pony up the necessary dead presidents at his local adult beverage purveyor, a Southern-fried asshat decided to perpetrate some home-brewed suds. The initial phase - boiling a large pot filled with sugar and water - went swimmingly, so swimmingly that this bright bulb decided to leave the pot boiling while he ran an errand. Big fun.

We're not told how his errand went, but we know for a fact that his unattended fire did what unattended fires, invariably do. That's right sports fans, this genius gutted his apartment, plus, he subjected his neighbors to smoke and water damage. Although he's not being charged for his brain-fart, I'm guessing that his neighbors will exact their own revenge. That works just fine for me.

MARCH 2004

Even The Smart Ones Get The Occasional Brain-Fart
Source: Boston Herald [3/31]

Weldong Xu is described by this Boston fishwrap as a former researcher at the Dana-Farber Cancer Institute and a one-time Harvard University professor.  During the height of the recent SARS scare, he flimflammed at least $600,000 in dead president from his co-workers, students and friends, claiming the boodle would be used to set up a SARS research cabal in China.  And what, you ask did he really do with the boodle?  Fast cars?  Gambling?  Fast Women?  Nope, nope and nope, respectively.

'...Xu claims he used the money to invest in a questionable Nigerian business offer he received via e-mail that promised a $50 million profit...'  (Boston Herald)

That's right Ivory Tower fans, this egghead fell for that Nigerian e-mail scam...big damn time. This clown is teaching our 'best and brightest' at Harvard?  What's wrong with this picture?

Human Gene Pool Improvement
Source: AP [3/31]

A roofing contractor achieved room temperature - and not a moment too soon - when he decided to take a break.  'Break' is a word that's doing double duty in this epic...but I digress...yes, again.  For reasons we'll never know, this bright bulb decided to rest his weary bones by sitting on the skylight, not the smartest move he ever made.

'...Fire Chief Joel Gordon says the skylight shattered under the worker's weight when he sat down and he fell about 20 feet into a school bathroom that was also under construction...' (AP)

At age 45, our hero had ample time to pollute the human gene pool, but we can take some comfort from the fact that he can't damage it any further.  It's half glass full time in the Stealth bunker.

Adventures In Stupidity
Source: Florida Boob Tube [3/29]

A land of hanging chads dolt played with fire and he's the one who got burned.  It happened after the dude got into shouting match with his girlfriend.  Far from thrilled with the outcome, he decided to exact some payback by throwing a 'commercial firework' at her.  It all went according to plan...up to a point:

The 18 inch fuse appeared to give him ample time to light it drive up to his wench and toss the firework.  Alas, appearances, in this instance, were deceiving, because 30 seconds later our bright bulb hero noticed the fuse was essentially 'gone', so he dropped the explosive into his lap and no shit tried to blow his nads off.  Ouch...big damn time.

'...Neighbors who heard the explosion ran to the car, saw the man on fire and used a fire extinguisher to put out the flames...'  (Local6)

Do I really need to warn you not to try this at home?


Dirt Kisser Wisdom
Source: Reuters [3/26]

"When Sunday loses its fundamental meaning and becomes subordinate to a secular concept of 'weekend' dominated by such things as entertainment and sport, people stay locked within a horizon so narrow that they can no longer see the heavens."  (The Dirt Kisser as quoted by Reuters)

It's safe to assume that the Dirt Kisser never heard of 'March Madness'.


A Walking Lone Star Bull's-Eye
Source: Houston Chronicle [3/19]

If it weren't for bad luck, 60-year old Houston denizen Donnie Mack Hall wouldn't have any luck at all.  First, he manages to get hit by a slow-moving train.  Then, a car hit the ambulance taking him to the hospital.  Be afraid, dude, be very afraid.  Somebody 'up there' painted a bull's-eye on your butt.

Another W Golden D'oh
Source: Newsday  [3/19]

Last year, W banished Burma's products to punish its military dictatorships for some damn thing, but the dolts running his official presidential re-election web site didn't get the memo. That's right irony fans - and we both know who you are - he's selling official re-elect W merchandise made in...Burma.

'...The merchandise sold on www.georgewbushstore.com includes a $49.95 fleece pullover, embroidered with the Bush-Cheney '04 logo and bearing a label stating it was made in Burma, now Myanmar....'  (Newsday)

W's comedy of errors continues to amaze and amuse this pagan scribbler.


Stranded Supernaturalist
Source: AP [03/05]

When a supernaturalist brain-fart does a header into a secular government edict, the results are always thrilling. If you don't believe me, ask the photo-phobic Amish dude who got stranded in Canada after visiting his sick father. No doubt Amerikan border guards were impressed and then some when the dude quoted the Blood-Soaked-Tome's graven image prohibition. Our Amish Hero had to be beyond thrilled when they explained that he needed a photo I.D. if he wanted to re-enter the USA.

If you know any Amish dweebs, explain to them that we secular asshats invented a nifty goodie or two since they dreamed up their supernaturalism. On such goodie is called "a national border", an imaginary line that you can't cross without some I.D. What will we think of next?APRIL 2004

APRIL 2004

International Human Gene Pool Improvement
Source: Scotsman   [4/27]

Human gene pool improvement scored a stunning triple when two Palestinian muggers waylaid an armed for virgins homicide bomber in Gaza.  If you don't see where this epic is headed, you're in a coma.

'...Hamas said the bomber was on his way to try to infiltrate into Israel, accompanied by another Hamas member and a guide, when they were stopped by the armed men.  The robbers forced the bomber to lie on the ground and tried to steal the bomb, but the militant detonated it, killing all three. The other Hamas man and the guide escaped....'  (Scotsman)

Ka-Boom...Triple gene pool improvement.  The only way this gets better involves nailing the two terrorist asshats who got away, but 60% - 3 out of a possible 5 - is stellar in any league. 

Afterthought
Does the bomb-packing asshat still get his virgins for blowing up two of his Mecca Maniac home boys?  Or, do dead Mecca Maniac muggers relegate him to sloppy - almost virgin - seconds?

Adventures In Stupidity
Source: Newsday [4/19]

Stupidy, adult beverage and fire are a deadly mixture that transformed an Empire State dude into an extra-crispy  room temperature [eventually] asshat.  The thrilling epic unfolded - ironically - on the appropriately named Fire Island, when a 59-year old dude issued an adult beverage-induced challenge to his roommate.  Our hero, Thomas Woods, set fire to his abode's rug, watched it get rolling, then boasted that he could stay in the burning domicile longer than his roommate.  At first, the roommate played the dangerous game, but, eventually, he ran next door to call for help, leaving our hero alone to savor the flesh-burning stench of his extra crispy victory.

Human gene pool improvement is doubtful, in this case, for two reasons.  First, at age 59, our hero had ample time to perpetrate his intellectual flatliner DNA. Second, given Fire Island's thriving GLAAD BAAG community, it's quite likely that our pyromaniac wasn't even in the gene pool polluting game.  No harm, no foul sums it up nicely.

A Party To Die For
Source: Newsday [4/18]

When gravity goes head-to-head with stupidity, gravity wins, every time, a fun fact that leads us to today's human gene pool improvement epic.  After getting the heave-ho at not one, but two loft parties in a converted Hell's Kitchen factory, a dude achieved room temperature trying to gain entry by non-standard means via the building's air shaft.  The next day, the building's janitor discovered the 25-year-old party animal enjoying room temperature solitude at the bottom of the building's air shaft. Gravity still works, even on mental lightweights.  Film at eleven.

Snake-Bitten For The Lord

Source: Stealth News Wire [4/14]

A Southern-fried cross cult padre achieved room temperature during an Easter service that involved - I couldn't make this up if I tried - handling live, notoriously-ornery rattlesnakes.  Which verse in the Tome mandates French-kissing a rattler to demonstrate your devotion to old ka-boom?  I gotta give that Tome prose a second...possibly a third...look.

Proving how bonkers these Virginia supernaturalists are, the members of the Pentecostal congregation didn't call for a medical professional to assist snake-bitten Reverend Dwayne Long.  Why?  You're gonna love it: dying from a snakebite during a service is a sign that old ka-boom called your number.  Go figure.  If anyone called Dwayne's number it was the rattler, but I'd give an assist to a twisted wench I call Mother Nature.

Survey Says...
Source: AP [4/14]

Mexas voters passed judgement on frock-bonkers state legicrap candidate Sam Walls, sending this admitted cross-dresser back into the closet [See "All Dressed Up In Mexas", 04/06/2004].  Forgiveness, apparently, was not forthcoming.  So be it.

Mister Cranky Pants Phone Home
Source: Stealth News Wire [4/12]

A 4-foot gator with an attitude went missing from Sydney's Australian Reptile Park when thieves made off the aptly named "Mister Cranky Pants".  Aussie officials opine that the critter justified his moniker so majorly that his behavior prompted the gator-napping desperados to abandon him in a nearby creek. It's happy ending time in the Stealth Bunker.

An Explosive Room Temperature Transition
Source: Anchorage Daily News [4/11]

Today's safety tip: If your wood stove won't light, don't kick it up a notch by dosing the wood with diesel fuel.  An Alaskan dim bulb found out - painfully - that the ensuing 'bam' can be deadly.

'...Troopers said [Gene] Stuart was relighting a fire by tossing diesel fuel on the wood. An ember apparently caused the fuel to explode.  The resulting fire quickly spread, engulfing the cabin...'  (Daily News)

Unambiguously moronic, Gene's room temperature transition doesn't make the human gene pool improvement cut, since, at age 62, our hero has already been around long enough to perpetrate his stupidity-tainted DNA.

All Dressed Up In Mexas

Source: Fort Worth Star-Telegram [4/6]

A Mexas hack who is campaigning to become a state legicrat got instant name recognition - among other things - when photos of the 64-year-old alleged dude dressed in drag started making the rounds.  Not exactly thrilled, the dude’s elephant clan home boys urged him to quit the race, but our hero, Sam Walls, trotted out an innovative defense.

"Through intermediaries, my opponent told me to drop out of the campaign or the private information would be released," Walls said. "Now my opponent is using the private information in an attempt to intimate that I am a homosexual, which I am not." (Star-Telegram)

Hmm, we better review this, together.  Cross dressing is cool, unless you’re a homo?  Somehow that Tome prose eluded me.  If anyone can quote chapter and verse, uh...never mind.  A dude wearing a frilly frock is bad enough, unless you’ve got RuPaul’s gams.  It may not be a mortal sin for Sam to play ‘dress up’, but a 64-year-old geezer in a dress is no shit an obscenity, no matter which sexual team he’s on. 

I’m sure we’re all delighted to hear that he apologized to his family and they forgave him.  We won’t know how forgiving the Mexas electorate is, until the votes are tallied.

Afterthought:
A burning question needs to be answered: If Sam wins his election, what will he wear to his swearing in ceremony?

Things That Go 'Bang' In The Night
Source: UPI [4/3]

A Washington (state) dolt managed to shoot himself in chest while sound asleep and lived to tell about it.  UPI does the heavy lifting, this time out, with these riveting details:

'...The Seattle Post-Intelligencer reported Saturday that the man, who was not identified, went to bed Thursday night with a loaded .22-caliber revolved tucked under his pistol. Sometime during the night, the gun discharged and shot him in the chest, but he apparently didn't realize he was wounded until he awoke early Friday...'

Holy sound sleepers, Batman!  No shit, Sherlock.

MAY 2004

A Golden D'Oh Contender
Source: Rueters [5/24]

Today's head-slapping stupidity is served up by the Formula One team that decided to attach a diamond worth 120,000 pounds (about $180,000 in dead presidents) to the front of their race car. During the Monaco Grand Prix, the intellectual flat-liner chickens came home to roost when the diamond-studded Jag did a header into the guard rail. By the time team stupid got their car back, the glitter was long gone.

Who said attending a Formula One race isn't an enriching experience.

High Roller
Source: ABC [05/20]

Insurance executive Mitchell Blaser - he's Chief Financial Officer for Swiss Reinsurance Company - got a $28,000 (dead presidents) reality check when he treated two pals to a T & A packed evening at a Big Apple topless club called Scores. When Mitch's credit card bill slapped some sense into him, our hero didn't blame his 'little head' for leading him astray. Instead, he sued the club for racking up bogus credit card charges. That leads us to another Paul Harvey Moment:

'...A Scores spokesman denied the accusation, saying Blaser was spending "like a rock star" and the club's paperwork proves it. The tab for the evening included $16,000 for five bottles of top-of-the-line Champagne and $7,000 for lap dances...' (ABC)

Mitch's credit card company - American Express - investigated this whiner's complain, before deeming the Scores bill legit. Adding to the whiner's woes, during Mitch's spending spree, Scores checked - repeatedly - with American Express to verify that his line of credit covered the horndog's booty-inspired spending.

How does Swiss Reinsurance justify a Chief Financial Officer who is so blatantly stupid with his own money? Enquiring minds would love to hear them explain that.

All Dressed Up
Source: AP [05/19]

Authorities at St. Joseph County Jail issued a dress code to keep their graybar denizens from getting sexually overheated. Since graybar 'guests' all dress alike, in standard prison issue garb, the new dress code applies to visitors in general and female visitors in particular.

'...The new rules are on a sign posted at the jail entrance, the South Bend Tribune reported Tuesday. See-through tops, mini skirts and short shorts are out, and underwear is required to remain invisible. Hats also are banned, since they can be used to smuggle items into the jail or may be a gang emblem...' (AP)

This news item's "well, duh" moment is served up by Keith Rininger, the graybar's director of inmate services:

"I don't know how to put it delicately, but when men are locked up for a long time and they see their girlfriend, or their wife, or someone else's girlfriend, it can cause tension. That's not a good thing in this kind of environment." (AP)

Keith's outburst transcends garden variety stupidity. It's no shit a contender for this pagan's "Well Duh" top ten.

It's A Guy Thing
Source: Sun (UK) [05/18]

Asking a dude to step outside to settle an argument "like men" is standard macho lunacy, but, there are places where it's major league asinine. Case in point, a Brit named Lee Rust, an alleged dude who elevated his macho lunacy to new heights - literally - when he dished up "step outside" prose at 25,000 feet during an airline flight. Is anyone the least bit shocked to learn that adult beverages were involved? I doubt it.

Shortly after getting his feet back on terra firma, our hero had a justice system encounter during which a Brit judge gave Lee 3 months in a graybar to pull his head out of his ass. Given Lee's high flying antics, 3 months may not be enough time to finish the task.

A Florida Flat-Liner Epic
Source: Smoking Gun Web Site [5/14]

A Florida flat-liner put a flashing light on his Chevy Suburban, bagged some suitable 'cop' duds, then prowled the streets at night, looking for female motorists to pull over. His fun came to a screeching halt when he pulled over the wrong female: an off-duty Palm Beach County Sheriff's deputy. She, instantly, smelled a phony cop rat, an assessment confirmed when our hero flashed a homemade badge that reads: "Miami Vice Pussy Inspector".

Anyone craving the rest of the story, including the asshat's mug shot can find all the thrilling details on the Smoking Gun web site.

It's A Bird...It's A...
Source: MSNBC [5/12]

The bird bonkers Brits who invaded a local village to gawk at the rare - in England - storks that hang out there got an added bonus, thanks to a clever local. The large owl sat perched on a telegraph pole and it gave them ample time to catch its act.

'...The bird seemed to return day after day, maintaining a statuesque stillness at the village of Wrenthorpe near this West Yorkshire town. But admiration turned to anger when they found that an unidentified prankster had planted a realistic decoy on the pole...' (MSNBC)

None of these bird bonkers Brits questioned an owl that never moves? These eager birders can't tell a decoy from the real deal? What's wrong with this picture?

Election Year Irony
Source: Tri-City Herald (Washington State) [5/12]

An amendment to extend federal unemployment benefits needed 60 votes to make the cut, but it only garnered 59 votes because one high profile Senator didn't show up for work. This isn't stop the presses news, unless you consider the missing legicrat's identity. I'll give you a hint: lately, he's the vocal champion for Amerika's working men and women. Still confused?

'...The only senator who missed the vote was Sen. John Kerry of Massachusetts, the presumptive Democratic presidential nominee, who was campaigning in Kentucky...' (Herald)

Will the usual media suspects nail Kerry for this? No way in hell, liberal bias Sparky.

A Thrilling Boom Box Adventure
Source: State Journal (Springfield, Illinois) [5/10]

The stunt-perpetrating intellectual flat-liner is a standard feature on the ubiquitous morning zoo boom box format, so, a stunt-induced injury doesn't normally qualify as breaking news. Except...An alleged human calling himself "Jim the Photographer" made the Stealth Newswire flaming stupidity cut when he got injured - I am not making this up - launching bottle rockets from his butt. That's not a typo...from his butt!

'...[Our hero] traditionally lodges a tube in his buttocks, into which bottle rockets are inserted and then launched.However, "Morning Disaster" host Ray Lytle said he was told this particular rocket had more sparks than usual, some of which apparently went down the launching tube. The firework was said to have gone off five to 10 feet away from [this moron's] buttocks...' (State Journal)

How desperate for attention do you need to get before you let some morning zoo, Stern wannabe talk you into launching a bottle rocket from your butt? Very, and that's a no shit fact. Glass half full readers will be thrilled to learn that Bottle Rocket Butt is on the short list for this pagan scribbler's intellectual flat-liner hall of shame.

Human Gene Pool Improvement - International Division
Source: Reuters [5/10]

A Polish dude achieved room temperature when his stallion got hot and way bothered over a nearby equine hottie. Faster than you can say "chomp", the way woodied stallion went bonkers. The terminally horny critter bit the dude on the neck when he tried to calm the booty-bonkers horse.

Mother Nature is a relentlessly frisky wench.

Gravity Substantiated, Again
Source: Florida Boob Tube [05/07]

A land of hanging chads woman challenged the venerable law of gravity and, as expected, gravity extended its winning streak vs jaw-dropping stupidity. This titanic struggle took place in an Orlando parking garage that features two side-by-side towers that are separated by a two and a half foot gap.

'..."Her girlfriend jumped over, and she made it without a problem. Apparently, this girl tried to go over and slipped or lost her footing and fell," Orlando Police Department Lt. Rick Jeffreys said...' (WESH web site)

"Damn!"..."I can make it."...Splat!...sums it up perfectly. Mother Nature saw fit to issue this gravity-challenging wench a stern warning, via assorted injuries from her six-story fall. Did our heroine learn her lesson? When I know, you'll know.

JUNE 2004

Going Out With A Bang
Source: Local 6 (Florida Boob Tube) [06/29]

Two Melbourne, Florida asshats thrilled everyone by throwing fireworks out their ride's window, while cruising around the hood.  Everything went swimmingly, up to a point, then fate -Mother Nature by any other name - stepped in to end the festivities.
'...[an ember] from a cigarette or one of the lit fireworks fell on the back seat of the car and ignited several other explosives. [Antonio]Robinson was able to exit the vehicle after running into a light pole at Carver Street and Walker Street. However, Aravis Walker was not able to get of the car and sat in the car as it burned..'  (Local 6)

The inferno completely destroyed the car, gave Aravis Walker a fire induced room temperature transition and left Antonio Robinson with burns on 90% of his body.  Batting .500 is awesome, but I'm holding out for a human gene pool improvement clean sweep.

A Flaming Genius Saga
Source: Press & Sun-Bulletin   (Binghamton, NY) [06/24]

An assistant manager moron employed by Champs Sports made a pro-actively stupid executive decision when he doused a spider with a flammable substance then torched the creepy-crawly.  Faster than you can say "whoosh", the storage area is a blazing inferno, making Wednesday afternoon terminally thrilling for everyone in - or near - Johnson City's Oakdale Mall.

Our hero is facing a fourth-degree arson felony rap, plus a challenging job search after he concludes his justice system encounter...

Interviewer: "Why did you leave your last job?"

Our Hero: "I torched a spider, setting fire to the store and inflicting smoke damage on half the mall."

Interviewer: "Next!"


Am I the only one thinking this epic puts a whole new spin on the term "firebug"?


A Southern-Fried Desperado Epic
Source: Clarion-Ledger  (Mississippi)   [06/23]

A home owner inspired a Mississippi desperado to take his...business elsewhere when he greeted the uninvited 'guest' with a fully loaded .38 caliber persuader.  Around 1am, after detecting noises at his front door, Edward Blair grabbed his gun and awaited the desperado's next move.  Events got rolling when the housebreaker kicked in the front door:
'...The door cracked, from the impact of the kicks, and the man stuck his head through to peer at what he could loot. Blair fired three shots at the skinny man wearing a blue shirt, but didn't wound him. Blair tried to open the door and chase the man — who bolted toward Raymond Road and left the still-running older-model blue Cadillac Deville in the carport — but the door was jammed.

"I wanted to see if I could catch him and take him down," Blair said. "But he was running for his life."...'  (Clarion-Ledger)

Since the car our nadless desperado left behind wasn't stolen, I'm guessing this intellectual flatliner will be a gray bar hotel guest in short order.  Book 'em, Dano.

Open Mouth, Insert Foot

Source: NBC   (Motor City Boob Tube)   [6/11]

Another sports figure - basketball legend Larry Bird - thrilled korrectniks spitless when he opined that the NBA might be more popular if it had more melanin-deficient players.  Faster than a warp speed race card, the usual suspects want Bird's nads on a platter.  Big, big fun.


For those who obsess on the facts, here is the exchange that thrilled ethnocrats spitless:

'..."Does the NBA lack enough white superstars in your opinion?" asked ESPN's Jim Gray

"I think so," Bird said. "I think it's good for a fan base. As we all know, the majority of the fans are white America, and if you just had a couple white guys in there. It is a black man's game, and it will be forever."...'  (NBC)

Since Bird is President of the Indiana Pacers NBA team, his prose could have enough legs to mushroom into a full blown race card epic.  Stay tuned to PIG News for all the exciting details.

Nanny State Irony
Source: Richmond Times-Dispatch   [06/08]

Virginia's elephant clan, state legicrats just perpetrated a mind numbing feat that raises 'irony' to undreamed of heights.  During a recent session, Virginia's House majority leader, Delegate H. Morgan Griffith served up legicrap that would exempt certain legislative meetings from 'the open meetings portion of the FOI [Freedom of Information Act]' (Times-Dispatch).  Unfazed by the implications his stunning action embodied, Virginia's Speaker of the House just appointed open meeting hostile Griffith to the state's Freedom of Information Advisory Council.

'...Althought he original bill would have allowed the Joint Rules Committee to shut down public meetings of the legislature, Griffith said that was not his intent...'  (Times-Dispatch)

[Tell me another one, dude.  The heat must be on, because you're backpeddling like your political life depends on it.]

A dude writes a bill that would exempt legislative meetings from the state's open meetings law and he's appointed to the advisory board tasked with Freedom Of Information oversight?  If you can't see what's wrong with this picture there's no hope for you.  Virginia's hack antics continue to send it plummeting into nanny state oblivion.  We are, in this case, amused in the extreme.

Human Gene Pool Improvement - Domestic
Source: Omaha World Herald   [06/06]

A flyover country (George, Iowa) bright bulb found out the hard way that mixing homemade explosives - for some fireworks, allegedly - in a metal can using a metal implement is not the niftiest notion to come down the proverbial turnpike.  Our hero found that out the hard way...his first hint coming via a resounding "ka-boom".  The utterly predictable explosion vaporized his hands, blew out all the windows in his humble abode, sent shrapnel flying everywhere, then, rendered this intellectual flatliner room temperature.

As much as I'd love to assure you that the human gene pool was improved, I can't.  This fishwrap spew, specifically, mentions his two children.  Glass half full readers must console themselves with the notion that he can't do our precious gene pool any more harm.  It's not much, but it's all there is.  So be it.


Unsafe At Every Speed
Source: Bend Bulletin    (Bend, Oregon) [06/03]
An 'intoxicated' - stoned out of his damn mind is more accurate - Oregon when on a fender Bend-er (pun attempted) when he stole and wrecked five different cars in an action-packed spree filled with vehicular ineptitude. 

At 2am he steals a cop car parked outside a local adult beverage emporium called 'On The Rocks'

Crashes the cop car into homeowners fence then steals the homeowner's ride, a 2004 Chevy Impala

By 2:45am he'd driven the Impala into a ditch after which he stole a 1999 Toyota Sienna minivan.


Before he got the Toyota away from the scene of the crime, he ran it into a nearby fence.


Since he'd wrecked the neighboring house's fence, he stole that homeowner's Mazda pickup. Mere moments later, he wrecked it on a gate, so he found a new ride, a 2003 Chevy Suburban.

He crashed the Suburban through a gated driveway, then got stuck driving it across the lawn.

Catching this clown attemptingto boost a sixth car, Bend's men in blue ended this fool's crime spree.

We're not sure, exactly, where this fool wanted to go, but we know where he's headed: to a justice system encounter for the following extra-legal actions:
• Five counts of unauthorized use of a motor vehicle;

• One count of attempted unauthorized use of a vehicle;

• Two counts of first-degree theft;

• One count of possession of a weapon by a felon;

• One count of resisting arrest;

• Five counts of driving under the influence of intoxicants;

• Three counts of reckless driving;

• Three counts of hit and run property damage;

• Five counts of second-degree criminal mischief;

• Two counts of interfering with a police animal;

• And six counts of unlawful entry into a vehicle. (Bend Bulletin)

Next time you hear about somebody going on a 'Bend-er' you'll know 'the rest of the story.

Afterthought
I know what's got you pacing the floor and I wondered the same thing.  What, exactly, is a cop car doing outside an adult beverage emporium at 2am?

JULY 2004

Is That Dynamite In Your Pants?
Source: Macon Telegraph [07/31]

A Peach State pea-brain tried to blow his nads off while he chatted with a visiting social worker on his front lawn. The fun stems from Daniel Gabriel Doyle's sideline, manufacturing meth in his, uh, spare time. His hobby nailed him while he sat in the social worker's car, filling out some forms.

'...Doyle apparently had mixed red phosphorous and iodine in a film canister and stuck it in his pocket. The chemical reaction caused second- and third-degree burns to Doyle's testicles and leg, Sheriff's Maj. Hill Morrison said...' (Macon Telegraph)

If this is how Mother Nature decided to give our hero one final warning, I don't even want to know how she plans to take him out. Mark this is 'any day now' in your human gene pool improvement archives.

A Golden D'oh Epic
Source: NBC (Ohio Boob Tube) [07/26]

Jeffrey freeman decided to dish up some payback on his estranged wife, Susan, by torching the 'family' car his wife bagged for her own, exclusive use. When he arrived at her domicile in the wee hours, Jeffrey torched her ride, setting himself ablaze in the process. He managed to douse the flames making him roasty-toasty, before he fled the scene of his crime, but his fun-filled day was just getting started.

The men in blue had him bull's-eyed in a heartbeat, but when they arrived on his doorstep, Jeffry Emerilized his brain-fart big damn time. Prepared to deal with a burn victim, the cops were confronted with a gun-toting asshat who refused to cooperate. As soon as our hero aimed his piece at them, the cops responded with a fusillade that solved the Freemans' domestic dispute, permanently.

At 48, Jeffrey had ample time to perpetrate his toxic DNA, but I'm willing to confer human gene pool improvement status anyway. The fact is, that a room temperature Jeffrey can't taint the human gene pool any further.

Stampeding Stupidity In The News
Source: Pagan Scribbler News Wire [07/22]

Item 1:
An El Paso (Mexas) dude who was 'known to experiment with rockets and fireworks' (NBC) achieved room temperature when his domicile erupted in flames. Fire officials found the dude's extra crispy mortal remains in the rubble, after they finished extinguishing the fire. Human gene pool improvement? You better believe it, extra crispy Sparky.

Item 2:
Three hormone gorilla's with nothing better to do amused themselves by throwing 'alive and kicking' fireworks at each other until an annoyed neighbor told them to knock it off. Taking their antics elsewhere, they kicked it up several notches when they ran out of fireworks. Emerilizing their lunacy big damn time, they got some gasoline and...I'll let an Indianapolis boob tube report do the heavy lifting:

"[A friend] goes and gets the gasoline, the victim takes his shirt off, he pours the gasoline on the shirt, the victim puts his shirt back on and his other friend lights him on fire,” explained Eric Brown, White River Township Fire Marshal.

The dude is alive - barely - in 'a drug induced coma', and breathing via a ventilator. Mark this one as imminent, in your human gene pool improvement archives.

Payback's A Bitch
Source: Star Tribune (Minneapolis) [07/21]

An Appleton, Wisconsin asshat got some long overdue payback when he rolled his wheelchair too close to the tracks during his regular stint of giving passing trains a one-finger salute. Although his original, wheelchair-confining injury was caused by a collision with a train in 1989, Leland Laird insists that his ongoing salute to the railroad industry stems from the noise they make with their 'loud horns'.

Those who obsess on such trivia will be thrilled to hear that this close encounter with Casey Jones favorite ride thrashed his chair, but only gave him a boo-boo on his arm. Will he change his ways? No way in hell, angry asshat Sparky.

Getting Bombed in Italy
Source: Reuters [07/19]

A venerable Italian - 70 years old, as if you care - dude got nailed by his hobby when the centerpiece of his military ordinance - a World War One vintage bomb - exploded while our hero showed it to a fellow enthusiast. Still deadly after nearly a century of inaction, the bomb did what bombs are designed to do, rendering its proud owner room temperature and severely thrashing his fellow enthusiast.

Given the age of our room temperature ordinance enthusiast, we can't claim human gene pool improvement, but I'm willing to consider awarding a posthumous Golden D'oh.

Recidivism On Steroids
Source: ABC [07/18]

When a Beaver Falls (Pennsylvania) woman got busted for robbing a doughnut shop, the judge ordered the men in blue to release her and "mail the charges", whatever the hell that means. This judicial leniency jumped up and bit the judge on his robe-covered butt when, a mere 9 minutes after her release, the woman tried to knock over a nearby hotdog shop. This puts some muscle behind the familiar adage about the 'revolving jailhouse door'.

It's a safe bet that the judge won't be playing nice with this determined desperado wench, this time around. Mark this lesson "learned".

The Unkindest Cut?
Source: Winnipeg Sun [07/18]

A Canadian desperado achieved room temperature when he cut the wrong wire during an attempted robbery. Convinced that the wire he'd isolated connected the burglar alarm, he fried himself alive when he tried to cut a high voltage power line. Before you can say "zap" his brief crime career came to a sizzling halt. The proper authorities found the 20-year-old human gene pool improvement volunteer hanging on the wires next to a power transformer.

Mark this a human gene pool improvement triple: one less desperado, one less stain on human DNA, one less Canadian. Three for three works for this pagan...

Getting Into His Work?
Source: The Advocate (Central Ohio) [07/18]

Immersing himself in his chosen career as executive director for the Licking County Alcoholism Prevention Program, James Billow got a tad to close to his work when he got nailed for his second drunk driving offense. If that isn't enough to derail his career, there are all the non-job related items James charged against his LAPP expense account. A sticky-fingered bureaucrat? I'm shocked, shocked I tell you.

'...LAPP financial documents obtained by The Advocate through a March public records request fulfilled last week show that Billow charged $4,259 for restaurants, flower shops, hotels, phone cards and expensive boutique stores from June 2001 to Nov. 7, 2003. In some cases, LAPP actually paid Billow's entire personal credit card bills...' (The Advocate)

James insists that these runaway expenses have nothing to do with his predilection for adult beverage. His personal credit card is - he insists - a dead ringer for his LAPP card. Yeah, right dude. It's hard to tell them apart when you're potted. James won't need to worry about his LAPP expenses, now, because, after 28 years swilling at the public trough, he's "pursuing his own interests". That's right, he avoided getting the axe by resigning.

Pyrotechnics For Peabrains
Source: NBC   (Salt Lake City boob tube)   [07/15]

Two Salt Lake City bright bulbs decided to thrill the unwary by driving around town, tossing fireworks out the car window.  Everything went swimmingly, up to a point...then that dead zone between their ears caught up with them.

Grab the terminally illegal mortar rocket
"Check"

Light the aforementioned large scale firework
"Check"

Throw it out the window and wait for the fun
"Was I supposed to open the window, dude?"

Substantiating several time-tested scientific laws, the explosive goodie bounced off the closed car window, landed in the bright bulb's lap and did what ignited fireworks do.  Ka-boom!  Ouch, ouch, ouch!  Second and third degree burns on the fool's arms, legs and torso.  When asked how he got his injuries, our hero has a jaw dropping response: "I tried to blow my nads off with a mortar rocket".


An Explosive Rustic Brain-Fart
Source: Lexington (Kentucky) Boob Tube   [07/14]

While answering nature's call, in a strategically-located portable outhouse, a rustic bright bulb decided to light up a coffin nail to pass the time.  The resulting explosion assisted his endeavor by scaring the...excrement...from him.  Shaken and more than a little stirred, the undoubtedly aromatic smoker emerged stinky, but otherwise unscathed.

The 'butt' of countless jokes, our hero can take heart from the fact that he's a slam dunk for a Golden D'oh award.


The Pipe Bomb Punk Caper
Source: Bismarck Tribune   [07/14]

This Dakota fishwrap doesn't explain why Bismarck denizen Andrew Greff decided to make life thrilling by constructing pipe bombs, but, whatever the reasons, the results display fickle fate at its best.  We do know that this explosively-stupid asshat lit a pipe bomb, after which the damn thing did what pipe bombs invariably do.

'..."I lit a pipe bomb, and it went off in my hand," the 21-year-old Bismarck man told St. Alexius Medical Center staff at about 6:30 a.m. when he ran through the emergency room doors. He said the accident happened at Kimball Bottoms, about 10 miles south of Bismarck.  The explosion blew apart Greff's left arm between his hand and mid bicep, Bismarck Police Lt. Dan Donlin said....'  (Tribune)

Tragically, this explosion left our intellectually flat-lining hero's reproductive capacity undamaged.  In a rare 'glass half full' moment, this pagan scribbler offers the following, heartfelt advice to Mr. Greff: "If at first you don't succeed...try, try, again."

Look Before You Leap
Source: New York Post   [07/14]

When a Big Apple wench - 30-year-old Otilla Cordero - decided to end it all, jumping off a 12-story building seemed like a slam dunk fast track to room temperature oblivion.  Appearances, in this instance, were deceiving, because fate - Mother Nature's alter ego - got a case of the cutes.

'...[Our room temperature wannabe] plummeted feet first, then landed on top of the net, which covered a six-story-high scaffold platform.  She bounced off the net, then fell five more stories onto a pile of electrical wires that sat atop another scaffold skirting the building. She suffered a fractured chin, skull and shin — but was expected to survive, sources said...'  (Post)

A woman who can't end it all by jumping off a tall building is no shit the poster wench for "born loser".  I wonder if she'd like to meet a one-armed dolt from Bismarck?  Enquiring minds want to know.

It Looked So Simple In The Movies
Source: The State News   (Michigan State University) [07/13]

The plan seemed too simple to fail, but fate quickly showed a Michigan desperado the error of his ways when he broke into East Lansing's Saper Gallery.  Finding his way to the gallery's roof, he unscrewed the skylight, then scaled down into the gallery on a rope.  That's when his plan unraveled like a cheap suit.

'..."The moment he entered the skylight, he was picked up by two video cameras, two passive infrared detectors and one motion detector," [Gallery owner Roy] Saper said.

As the security system recorded his every move, including multiple failed attempts to climb back up the rope and out of the art gallery, the suspect soon realized he was locked inside.  The suspect, who was later found with 27 screws in his pocket, then used the art gallery phone to dial 911 and explain his dilemma, according to police and Saper...'  (State News)

When our intellectually-challenged desperado gets out of the slammer, he should consider a career change.  I'm confident that even this deadhead can cope with, "Do you want fries with that?"

Singing Soprano
Source: Reuters   [07/13]

A Brit bright bulb demonstrated why it's never a nifty notion to mix 15 pints of beer with a sawed-off shotgun.  For the fun facts on this atypical human gene pool improvement epic, I'm content to let Reuters do the heavy lifting.

'...David Walker, 28, was arguing with a friend at a pub in South Yorkshire, northern England, when he went home to get his sawed-off shotgun, which he jammed into his trousers.  But as he walked back to the pub, the gun went off, blasting pellets into his testicles. Doctors later removed what remained of his testicles during emergency surgery...'  (Reuters)

Glass half full wimps will be thrilled to learn that blowing his balls off puts Davey boy in an exclusive human gene pool improvement category.  But, nobody should hold his, her or its breath expecting other dudes to neuter themselves with a shotgun to join Davey in self-induced, reproductive oblivion. 

Human Gene Pool Improvement - International
Source:   Straits Times   (Singapore)   [07/12]

A drunk dolt achieved room temperature when he strayed too close to a pachyderm in heat.  Which part of "it's not nice to fool around with Mother Nature" didn't he understand?  All of it, then, but he's got the big room temperature picture, now.

'...[Veterinarian Alongkorn Mahanop] said the victim was drunk when the animal rammed its tusks into his abdomen...'The elephant seemed to be in heat, and gored the drunken man who went close to him while the mahout was away,' Mr Alongkorn told reporters...'  (Straits Times)

At 57, the room temperature dimwit had ample time to perpetrate his stupidity-laced DNA, but "better late than never" still works for this pagan, in this instance.

A Stoner Epic
Source: NBC   [7/12]

Technically an adult, a 21-year-old Delaware college dolt got terminally lost on a Connecticut mountain, after scarfing down a whole bag of hallucinogenic mushrooms. His three day adventure in altered consciousness is a dope-induced blur - for the most part - but cops are helping him fill in the blanks.

'...he went for a drive and twice got lost in Connecticut.  He told police he remembers taking a train to LaGuardia Airport in New York, where he found a car with its keys in it. He's unsure where he went from there.  "I once again found myself lost in Connecticut," [Paul] Cunningham reportedly told police.  After locking the keys in the stolen car, Cunningham allegedly stole a van from a Southbury rest stop.  In Canaan, he decided to climb Music Mountain to see what was on the other side, police said. Investigators believe the exercise cleared Cunningham's head...'  (NBC)

Do I really need to warn: Don't try this at home?

Remedial Desperado 101
Source: Times-Union   (Jacksonville)   [07/10]

An armed robber learned a priceless - but painful - lesson when he tried to intimidate a gas station attendant with a rifle.  The drama unfolded when gas station clerk Larry Nichols spotted the suspicious character loitering outside the gas station convenience store.  His initial impression was proven right when the loitering desperado waylaid
Nichols while the clerk returned from a trip to a nearby storage building.

Feeling the business end of a rifle poking his ribs, Nichols, who also teaches martial arts, gave the gun toting cretin a free self defense lesson.  Here's how Larry Nichols described the incident to the Times-Union:

"I had a feeling he was probably going to shoot me," he said. "I pretty much close-lined him, then took him to a headlock and then to a submission hold."  But the robber wasn't giving up easily.  "He's like 'Let me go.' And I'm like 'No way buddy! You pull a gun on me and you're down for the count!'"

No doubt, the desperado's gray bar hotel homeboys will be very impressed when he tells them a gas station attendant kicked his ass.

A Golden D'oh Nominee
Source: Reuters   [07/06]

Acting out the adage "looked good on paper", a Sand Box denizen decided to loot a Jeddah (Saudi Arabia) bank, using a bulldozer.  According to witnesses, he rammed the bank with his dozer, trying to liberate Sand Box boodle from the bank's ATM, but, before he could bag the boodle, he took off like a scalded dog when Sand Box police arrived on the scene.

This bulldozer bank heist caper puts a whole new spin on the phrase: "knocking over a bank".


Things That Go "Boom"
Source: Pagan Scribbler News Wire   [07/06]

Nothing showcases human stupidity like Amerika's explosive-saturated Independence Day celebration.  Predictably, this year produced several thrilling examples.

Episode 1
For a ready-made accident, all you need is two hormone gorillas, some shotgun shells, plus some bullets and a sledge hammer to extract the gun powder from the live ammo.

'...Police said the teens were grinding powder from the shells and bullets with a hammer, setting off the blast in a Harris County (Mexas)  home...'  (AP)

Human gene pool improvement fans will be disappointed to learn that these two bright bulbs escaped alive, but extra crispy with first, second and third degree burns.  Mark this episode as 'sooner or later' on your human gene  pool improvement scorecard.

Episode 2
Three old enough to know better - 20, 20, & 18 - Mexifornia mutants decided to celebrate the Fourth of July by removing powder from fireworks and packing it into metal containers.  Around 11:20pm, they set one off, with tragic results:

'...[Innocent Bystander] Raymond Reilly III, who was standing about 60 feet away outside a home, was hit in the chest by shrapnel. He was taken to Bakersfield Heart Hospital, where he died.....'  (Sacramento Bee)

Police gave the three asshats guest accommodations in the local gray bar hotel, preventing them from perpetrating any further mayhem.  Book 'em, Dano.

Episode 3
After citing two "young and stupid" episodes, I'm compelled to give equal time to a much older fool, a 51-year old dolt from Bangor Township in Michigan.  Somehow, this bright bulb got his hands on some professional grade, mortar shell fireworks.  During his late night frivolity - 11:30pm, give or take - he managed to - virtually - shoot his own face off.

'...[Sgt. John Barbiarz, Bay County Sheriff's Office]  said it appeared from the investigation that [Clinton L.] Ruegsegger was upright or moving back away from the tube, but that the tube may have moved when the mortar went off, sending the projectile up and back toward Ruegsegger. The mortar ball hit Ruegsegger below the left eye and gouged a patch upward through his eye and up the left side of his forehead before the mortar bounced away...'  (Bay City Times)

We're still in the human gene pool improvement game, since our hero is in critical condition.  Mark him down as "probable" on our human gene pool improvement scorecard.

Episode 4
At an Independence Day biker confab in Marion, Ohio, a leather-jacketed genius killed two men when his home made cannon exploded, ending lethal shrapnel flying in all directions.  According to this Ohio News Network posting, the cannon is used to fire - I'm not making this up - pieces of bread.

Bread?  Are these bikers or pretenders?  What happened to naked women, marathon orgies, non-stop drinking and assorted mayhem?  How the mighty have fallen.

Dressed For Success
Source: CBS    [07/01]

The venerable adage "clothes make the man"took on new meaning when a vintage desperado arrived at the Farmers State Bank of Versailles (Illinois) with a stocking mask covering his face.  His attention to desperado disguise detail is aces, but, he needs to attend some remedial "joint casing" seminars, stat.  Why?  Because, after a February 2004 robbery, the bank installed a security system that requires a bank employee to 'buzz in' each customer.  Would you let an asshat wearing a stocking mask into the bank?  The bank employee assigned to the buzzer detail, like any rational adult, decided to forego the pleasure of this desperado's company.

When our hero didn't pass authorized bank customer muster, he gave up, but, an alert bystander was able to describe his ride, allowing the local authorities to nab this intellectually-challenged desperado, in short order.

'...[Brown County Sheriff Jerry Kempf] said [Gordon] Bryant had served prison time for bank robbery and ought to be more competent by now. "He's 70 years old, you would hope he would have learned by now."...' (CBS)

"D'oh", while appropriate, is a gross understatement in this case.

AUGUST 2004

The World's Unluckiest Desperado
Source: Pagan Scribbler News Wire [08/30]

A Beantown desperado named Paul Michael Callahan had one of those days, recently, when he attempted to ply his trade. Here are the, uh, highlights:

Mistaking a Boston University copy shop for a bank, he tried to rob it.

After getting directions from the terminally-helpful copy shop employees, he knocked over a nearby Fleet Bank for a whopping $200.

Determined to make somebody pay for his crappy day, our hero then nailed a Citizen's Bank for $2500, plus an exploding red dye pack giftie.

When his getaway ride got a flat and the dye pack giftie exploded all over him, Paul sought refuge in a gas station. That's where Boston's men in blue bagged this menace to society.

And how was your day?

Portrait Of A Loser
Source: Mainichi Daily [08/29]

A desponded Sushi Slammer loser tried to end it all by jumping in front of a train...and failed. This fool landed face down, between the rails, allowing the train to roll over him without inflicting a single scratch, contusion, or boo-boo. The railway officials dragged the fool out and turned him over to the proper authorities, abruptly ended our hapless hero's quest for oblivion.

If you look up 'born loser' in your Webster's, you'll find this clown's picture.

Big Brass Desperado Nads
Source: Pagan Scribbler News Wire [08/25]

A Utah desperado grabbed the brazen bad guy brass ring when he knocked over a bank while test driving a used car. While the used car salesdolt lurked outside, by the car, our hero robbed South Ogden's Wells Fargo Bank, then stole the car from the sales punk and drove off with his loot.

The salesdolt tuned into reality, briefly, alerted the cops, then started road testing excuses for his boss: "The good news is that the guy likes the car. The bad news is that he robbed a bank during the test drive then used the car for his getaway. Of course...when the cops catch him, he'll have ample money to pay for the car."

"D'oh" is grossly inadequate here, but it's the best I can do.

Afterthought
Our car shopping bank robber got nabbed by the Nevada Highway Patrol in Ely, Nevada. Book 'em, Dano.

The Amazing Rental Car Caper
Source: Omaha World-Herald [08/19]

Using a rental car as your getaway ride after a bank heist isn't a fatally flawed notion, unless you leave the rental car receipt in the bank when you flee the crime scene. Among other things, the tattletale receipt listed the car return time: 5:57pm. If you don't know the cops where waiting when the desperados returned the car, you're probably in a coma.

The bank robber and his designated getaway driver - his sister - are now honored guests in the Golden D'oh wing of the Council Bluffs gray bar hotel. Book 'em, Dano.

Gotcha
Source: Newsday [08/19]

North Carolina denizen, Cornelius Leary, was on the lam for - allegedly - imposing a high caliber room temperature transition on wife, Anita, until he got nabbed in the Big Apple for "fair-beating". That's right, loyal readers, this fleeing murder suspect got nailed for not paying a subway fare. Look up "cheap dumb bastard" in your 'Webster's' and you'll find this clown's mug shot.

Cornelius will have ample time to reflect on his cheap bastard ways, during his long gray bar stretch. He seems to be the only desperado who doesn't know rule #1 in the "So You're On The Run" handbook: "When you're on the run, always obey all the laws, especially the minor ones."

Gotcha, shit for brains.

Fate's A Bitch
Source: Pagan Scribbler News Wire [08/18]

Ohio desperado, Daniel Waggoner's bank caper came off smoothly, until fickle fate and his eagle-eyed ex-wife tripped him up. When his former bride spotted his one-of-a-kind truck motoring through Middletown (Ohio), she wondered what the hell he was doing in town. That answer - and assorted other revelations - came when she got to the grocery store. Learning that the store was closed because the bank inside the store just got robbed, our heroine put it all together in a heartbeat. She knew her ex-con - convicted bank robber - former hubby was up to his old tricks.

Immediately, she alerted the proper authorities about her suspicions, after which they showed her a security camera photo, and that easily, Dan's fate was sealed. Kudos to this alert Buckeye wench for sending her ex-hubby back to the gray bar hotel where he, obviously, belongs.

Buckeye Bright Bulb's BB Gun Brain-Fart
Source: The Newark Advocate (Ohio) [08/10]

From our 'it seemed like a good idea' desk, we present a story about a Buckeye bright bulb who amused himself by shooting at live cartridges with his BB gun. Faster than you can say 'ka-blam', the live round goes off nailing our walking brain-fart in the gut with the shell casing.

He's out of the hospital, now, but based on his antics, I'm guessing it won't be long before another dumb idea adds him to our gene pool improvement volunteers list. Mark 21-year-old Jack Davis as 'any day now' on your human gene pool improvement scorecard.

A Human Gene Pool Improvement Bonus
Source: AP [8/10]

A land-of-hanging-chads desperado tried everything to elude the cops chasing him, to no avail, until he hit upon a nifty notion. Shedding his shirt and shoes, then attempted to hide from the men in blue 12 feet beneath Explorer Lake's placid surface. His ruse worked like gang busters because it took police divers more than 4 hours to find his mortal remains.

Add this dude to your human gene pool improvement scorecard under 'done deal' and tack on a bonus point for eliminating another Florida voter from this nation's electorate.

Hair Of The Dog
Source: Pagan Scribbler News Wire [08/03]

When a Pennsylvania denizen, Michael Hanczyk, arrived in court to contest a drunk driving charge, everyone smelled a, uh, rat...among other things. That's right, this fool arrived in court stink-faced. If he intended to impress the judge, he passed 'Go' like gang busters. Pending the results of his blood test, our hero faces 30 days in the gray bar for contempt. And how was your day?

SEPTEMBER 2004

Playing With Fire
Source: Pagan Scribbler News Wire [09/30]

'Burning Down The House' is more than a catchy song lyric, it's stock-in-trade for certain intellectually-challenged rustics. This week, two rustic retards made a bid for human gene pool improvement glory.

Item 1:
A Pine Bluff (Arkansas) hubby decided to punish his not so devoted bride, after the wench went, uh, astray with another dude. Drawing a blank on a suitable punishment for her, our hero - 19-year-old Leroy Brown - decided to punish the pants she wore during her extra-marital...encounter, so he set them on fire. The ensuing inferno burned his hands, first, then consumed his mobile home. Tragically, LeRoy escaped with minor burns, thwarting his shot at human gene pool improvement glory, for now.

Armed with this demonstration of LeRoy's 'intellect', I'm thinking we all understand why his bride did some comparative, man shopping.

Item 2:
A West Palm Beach (Florida) 'genius' made the ultimate contribution to human gene pool improvement, when he lit a candle in a confined space that also contained an open, gasoline container. The ensuing explosion, instantly, catapulted Juan Guteirrez out of the human breeding population, allowing him a well-earned room temperature status...after his, widely-scattered, mortal remains stopped burning. A mere 25, our hero is no longer a threat to our gene pool.

Posthumous kudos are conferred on Juan for 'doing the right thing' by, unintentionally, offing himself so spectacularly.

A Southern-Fried Desperado Epic
Source: Jackonville (North Carolina) Daily News [09/28]

When a knife packing desperado entered a Jacksonville Burger King around 10pm, Sunday night, his craving centered on dead presidents, rather than a Whopper. Brandishing a boning knife, he demanded that the assistant manager hand over all the money. Instantly assessing the desperado's resolve, the assistant manager decided to offer the would-be robber something else. Grabbing a broom, he encouraged the desperado to clean up his act.

When last seen, the robber - a 5-foot 10 inch Hispanic in his early 20's - was running for his life. He might have a slight limp, since a Burger King customer nailed him with his ride in the parking lot. If you know this dude, tell him to grow a pair, or find a new line of work, because he, obviously, lacks the nads for armed robbery.

Afterthought
It's ironic that this desperado chose a Burger King for his intended victim. In addition to getting humiliated by a broom packing assistant manager, he ruined any chance at a career in fast food...the one vocation for which he might be qualified.

Camera Shy In Yellowstone
Source: Pagan Scribbler News Wire [09/23]

Minding his own business, a bull elk didn't take it kindly when a venerable Mexas dude approached him then blazed away at him with his camera. Since this alleged human used a flash, his photographic antics were especially annoying, prompting the elk to lower his head and charge this dim, photo bonkers, bulb.

The alleged human turned in time to get gored, battered and bruised by the annoyed Yellowstone Park denizen, leading us to a timely tourism tip: When you see a wild animal as large as a bull elk, take all the photos you want, from a safe distance, with a telephoto lens. If you ignore this advice, you'll end up like this Mexas moron, battered, bruised, punctured, and aching all over.

Adventures in Criminal Stupidity
Source: Pagan Scribbler News Wire [09/22]

Going...Down?
Three Windy City lowlifes spotted a stove sitting, unattended on a third story porch and decided, for reasons known only to them, to steal it. Never stopping to consider that nobody would keep a working stove on their porch where the elements could 'have their way with it', they clambered up to the goodie. That's where fate caught up with them.

What these three desperados - two alleged men and a woman - didn't know, but learned quickly, is that the porch is so rotted out it couldn't support their weight. The resulting application of the venerable law of gravity put the dudes in the hospital and the wench in the slammer. Gravity still works, even in Chicago...Film at eleven!

Scratching Out A Living
A Milwaukee dude spotted some unattended gear in a lumber yard a few blocks from his humble abode and hatched a nifty notion. It took several trips, but, using a hefty cable, he managed to drag his stolen treasures the 5 blocks from the lumber yard to his domicile. There's just one teensy flaw in his plan: the scratch marks left by the engine transmission, the compressor and the buck for a front end loader were so easy to follow, they led the proper authorities right to his hideout.

D'oh, is grossly inadequate, but does capture the spirit of the moment. Book 'em, Dano.

It Looked Good On Paper
Source: Pagan Scribbler News Wire [09/21]

A venerable - 63 years old - Indianapolis desperado strolled into a Kroger supermarket, then handed a clerk a note that demanded all their money or he'd set off the bomb he planted in their meat department. He repeated his demand several times and the answer he got never changed: "No" (Indiana-speak for "bite me"). While the would-be robber dithered, the store employees emptied the store, after alerting the local authorities.

The cops arrived in time to offer this clown civic accommodations in the local graybar hotel, saving this fool from getting his sorry ass ventilated by a gun-packing security guard. If he plans to continue his criminal avocation, he needs to take some remedial courses in 'acting menacing', because, by all reports, scary, he ain't.

Nifty News Nuggets
Source: Pagan Scribbler News Wire [09/17]

Item: A Rose By Any Other Name
Michigan is in line for this pagan's legendary 'Korrectnik Euphemism Sweepstakes Award' for calling the state's welfare cabal the "Family Independence Agency". As touchy-feely as this moniker is, it's offset - to the max - by the state legislature's campaign to subject all the state's welfare recipients to periodic drug screening tests. I'm shocked, shocked I tell you.

Item: What's Wrong With This Picture
Tarentum, Pennsylvania's hacks are a tad red-faced after they discovered that their newly acquired, $557,600 fire truck is way too big...way too heavy for their existing firehouse. D'oh is grossly inadequate, but captures the spirit of the moment. Hacks are faced with two troubling choices: sell their new toy; spend an additional $40,000 for a new firehouse.

Item: A Golden D'oh Slam Dunk
In addition to its various meanings for Superman, 'Kryptonite' is also the name for a wildly popular, U-shaped bike lock with a cylindrical key. Considered the ultimate in bike security, a Kryptonite lock is a must have for any serious bike enthusiast...until now. Image how thrilled Ingersol-Rand - they bought Kryptonite in 2001 - officials were when a pesky dude publicized the thrilling fact that this ultra secure lock can be opened - in an mere 30 seconds - with the hollow shaft from a BIC pen. If that wasn't enough to make their day, the officials were even more thrilled when the dude made a 'how to' video of his discovery and uploaded it onto the web.

With annual Kryptonite lock sales in the $27 million dollar range - probably a conservative estimate - Ingersol-Rand executives probably said something a lot saltier than 'D'oh' when this thrilling factoid landed on their desk.

Sooner Politics
Source: Pagan Scribbler News Wire [09/15]

Oklahoma is on the cutting, political, edge this year, thanks to an independent U.S. Senate Candidate who is, by any meaningful measure, clinically bonkers. Consider these entries from Sheila Bilyeu's...resume:

'...Bilyeu claims the federal government implanted a device in her head in the 1970s during an operation at a military base in Arizona. She claims the government has sent her messages -- mostly "put downs'' -- through the alleged device for years to annoy her...'

'...[When Bilyue sued Uncle Sam in federal court], U.S. District Judge Richard W. Roberts wrote in 2001: "Plaintiff has filed a narrative, stream-of-consciousness complaint that, as best as I can tell, revolves around the plaintiff's belief that a conspiracy led by President Clinton has implanted a transmission device in her head, 'gassed' her and stolen her dog.''

'...In the 1990s, Bilyeu unsuccessfully sued Ponca City schools, game show host Alex Trebek, CBS anchor Dan Rather and others...' (AP)

Call me names if you must, but a clinically bonkers U.S. Senator of Ms. Bilyeu's caliber would provide badly needed comic relief, during the U. S. Senates's snooze-inducing proceedings. If you live in Oklahoma, pull the lever for Sheila. It's your patriotic duty.

A Classic Well Duh Moment
Source: Pagan Scribbler News Wire [09/15]

The job-for-life rabble infesting Uncle Sam's State Department finally discovered what every rational adult on the planet already knew: 'in Saudi Arabia, freedom of religion does not exist, and is not recognized or protected under the country's laws' (Seattle Post-Intelligencer). This bureaucratic epiphany has hall of fame "Well, Duh!" potential. What's next, a State Department press release announcing that the Earth is round, and water is wet?

What, you ask, is Uncle Sam going to do about Saudi Arabia's egregious affront to individual liberty? They're adding Saudi Arabia to the State Department's "countries of particular concern" (CPC) list, where the Sandbox joins such liberty bastions as Sudan, North Korea and Iran on the CPC rolls, putting them in very select company. If you hear Sandbox royalty laughing at Uncle Sam's antics, it's because no nation has been sanctioned by Uncle Sam due to its inclusion on the CPC list. If you're wondering why the bureaucrats bother to keep this list, join the club.

Am I the only one who wonders why our so-called government wastes so much time on this happy horseshit? I doubt it. For it's asnine antics, Uncle Sam's State Department goes to the top of this week's Well Duh list.

An Overpowering Hormonal Urge
Source: Pagan Scribbler News Wire [09/13]

After ingesting some unknown adult beverage, two hyper hormonal twenty-something Kiwi denizens surrendered to their rampaging hormones, so they got horizontal and squishy in a conveniently located garden. There's just one teensy problem with their trysting locale: it's right in front of the Whangarei, New Zealand police station. The couple continued to seek that hormonal brass ring, until the duty officer invoked trystus interruptus, after a police station visitor alerted him.

Fear not, true love fans, this kindly cop didn't arrest them. Instead, he gave them the Kiwi version of the venerable 'get a damn room' lecture and sent them on their way.

Bail Jumping Payback
Source: Omaha World-Herald [09/10]

Spouting "I was framed" drivel, an Omaha dude talked a gullible female into posting the $5000 necessary to spring him from an Iowa gray bar hotel. When he decided to skip the court appearance for his burglary charge, the proper authorities put out an arrest warrant on the dude and impounded the woman's hard-earned money. She was, as you can well imagine, a tad irked.

Simmering nicely, her ire reached critical mass when this fool showed up on her doorstep with another sad story. Aided by a male acquaintance, the woman beat the snot out of this bail jumper, wrapped him up in duct tape, then drove the battered bail-jumper from her Omaha abode to the Logan, Iowa gray bar. The Iowa cops found him, after someone called to report a 'fugitive' just got dropped off and offered him gray bar accommodations.

The Logan cops appreciated the woman's assistance, sort of, but arrested her and her male co-hort for roughing up the bail jumper. File this under 'payback is a bitch', in your pagan scribbler archives.

True Crime I
Source: Indianapolis Star [09/08]

While driving to Indianapolis, in the wee hours, Indiana denizen Mark Smith pulled off U.S. 31 and onto the berm for a short respite. During Mark's rest stop, two roving desperados noticed him and decided to liberate Mark's worldly goods, forcibly. One cretin, Rei Mendoza, opened the driver side door, while his partner in crime, Armondo Esteves-Torres, opened the passenger side door. Our boy Armondo brandished a knife and demanded Mark's money.

So far, it all went as planned, but that changed in a heartbeat:

'...After Smith gave the men money and personal property, the man on the passenger side gave the knife to the other man, who put it against Smith's throat, authorities said Smith told them. Then the man on the passenger side, who authorities think was Esteves-Torres, went to the hood of the vehicle to open it. Smith then put his car in gear and sped away south, authorities said....' (Star)

We're not told what, if anything, Estevez-Torres said, while he got dragged along the highway for nearly, 15 feet, but I'm guessing that he got very vocal, when Smith ran over his sorry ass. Whatever he said, it was a lot more colorful than ay carumba!

Kudos to Mark Smith for keeping his head in a very bad situation.

True Crime II
Source: Reuters [09/08]

I'm not sure how they say "It seemed like a good idea at the time" in Master Race lingo, but I guarantee the hero of this epic is up to speed this ageless concept, now. The good idea involved selling some pot to the attendees at a birthday party. As stellar as this notion might seem, it's never a nifty notion when the party goers are off-duty cops. How do you say "Book 'em, Dano" in Kraut? I haven't got a clue, but "D'oh" doesn't need any translation.

Fun News Wire Quick Hits
Source: Pagan Scribbler News Wire [09/08]

At home and abroad, human ingenuity continues to amaze and amuse this pagan scribbler:

Item 1:
The Brown County (Wisconsin) Sheriff's Department got an anonymous tip that some dastardly individuals planted a small, thriving pot crop right under the department's noses. In fact, the evil weed was growing in a planter on the south side of the county courthouse, right outside department headquarters.

For those readers frantically contemplating a quick trip to Brown County, don't bother. The usual spoilsports already destroyed the pot crop. As usual, I feel your pain.

Item 2:
A Southern-fried rustic proved that crude but effective is a viable desperado concept when he robbed a South Carolina bank with - I am not making this up - a pitchfork, and escaped, unscathed. Since I'm unfamiliar with Southern-fried culture, I didn't realize that it's a common - in the extreme - for rustics to carry a pitchfork when they visit town. Learn something new everyday.

Item 3:
In Viet Nam...a very bright bulb decided to - I am not making this up - saw open an unexploded artillery shell to extract the 'valuable' gun powder. Surrendering to the 'strain', the shell, belatedly, fulfilled its prime function, offing the bright bulb and killing/injuring 7 others.

Another Human Gene Pool Improvement Epic
Source: NY Daily News [09/05]

An old enough to know better Big Apple denizen decided to shorten his walk to work by scaling a fence topped with razor wire. The 50 year old snagged his arm, severed an artery, then achieved room temperature before he walked another 200 feet. They call these goodies 'razor wire' for a reason, so, unless you're wearing a suit of armor, don't even think about it.

Mark this epic in the 'old enough to know better' section of your human gene pool improvement scorecard.

Self-Inflicted Wounds I
Source: AP [09/04]

For reasons I don't begin to understand, the Monroe County (Indiana) Coroner, David Toumey, demonstrated gun safety to some-damn-body on a Lake Monroe boat ramp. While explaining that's it's essential to verify that the gun is unloaded, this bright bulb - accidentally - shot himself in the leg. The wound to his leg will heal...There's no prognosis on the wound to his psyche.

As usual, this epic raises a question...or two.

Why is the County Coroner demonstrating gun safety?
Why is this demonstration taking place on a public, lakeside dock?

That's right, loyal readers...It's Enquiring Minds time, again, in the pagan scribbler bunker.

Self-Inflicted Wounds II
Source: Kansas City Star [09/04]

A Kansas City cop found out, the hard way, that wearing a Taser gun during a driving rainstorm isn't a nifty notion. He made this momentous discovery after a prolonged traffic-directing spell in a downpour. When he finally returned to his ride, things got thrilling, for a moment or two. A crackling noise and a 'something's burning' aroma were his first hint that trouble brewed on his horizon.

'...He deduced that the noise and odor had come from his Taser, an electrified weapon capable of issuing a 50,000-volt shock. As he began pulling the Taser from the holster strapped to his left thigh, the weapon fired a cartridge into the bottom of the holster. The officer did not receive the full shock, but rather a residual shock, since the cartridge remained in the holster and did not penetrate the officer's skin...' (Star)

So-called experts quickly deduced that the X26 Taser isn't designed for underwater use. The much wiser, now, officer deduced that it's probably a good idea to wear a raincoat when it's raining, to help keep the Taser dry. Both notions are fine, as far as they go, but neither explains why Kansas City's men in blue, routinely, wear a Taser. Color this pagan scribbler puzzled.

OCTOBER 2004

Occupational Hazard?
Source: The Republican (Springfield, Mass.) [10/23]

Three armed and dangerous Bay State desperados Emerilized a home invasion robbery into a human gene pool improvement contender when one of the desperados "accidentally" shot his home invasion cohort in the head. The gunshot was still echoing through the crime scene when the two unwounded desperados validated the "no honor among thieves" axiom by hot-footing their butts out of there, leaving their wounded home boy behind to face the music...or his maker, whichever got to him first.

With the wounded desperado in critical condition, human gene pool improvement seems imminent. Mark this as "probable" on your human gene pool improvement scorecard.

A Woman Scorned?
Source: Pagan Scribbler News Wire [10/19]

Whatever the Okaloosa County (Florida) Sheriff's deputies expected to find when they answered a domestic disturbance call, it's a safe bet that what they found wasn't anywhere on the list. At first, everything seemed business as usual when the obviously intoxicated, totally pissed, female, half of the dispute answered the door. She admitted a high volume - neighbor thrilling - argument with her husband and informed the deputies that she wanted him out. When her man returned from the shed where he hid from his enraged spouse, the deputies persuaded him to pack some stuff and vacate the premises, until peace, and sobriety were restored in his home. So far so good, but while Jared Booker packed a bag, his spouse, Neva, Emerilized the situation, big damn time.

Collaring Deputy Tom Johnson, Neva told him she wanted to show him something out in the chicken coop. Unwilling to get her riled again, Deputy Johnson complied, leading him to this story's Paul Harvey Moment:

'..."Neva Booker then told me that she had more she needed to show me and then led me to a metal chicken coop behind her home that had a large still," he wrote. She also told him her husband made about 20 gallons of moonshine at a time and sold it in Brewton Ala., for $25 a gallon. Deputies confiscated about 3 pounds of marijuana, a 55-gallon drum of moonshine, two 15.5-gallon beer kegs also full of whiskey, $2,283 in cash, bags of sugar, wheat feed and mash...' (Local 6, Florida Boob Tube outlet).

While he's an honored guest in the local graybar hotel, Jared Booker will have ample time to consider what he did that pissed off his wife, Neva, so majorly. If Jared has half a brain - and that seems egregiously optimistic- he'll stay in the lockup, where it's safe, until Neva sobers up and chills out. Be afraid, dude, be very afraid.

Golden D'Ohs And Other Oddities
Source: Pagan Scribbler News Wire [10/16]

Dirt Kisser's New Ride
The Dirt Kisser (pagan speak for the Pope) is barely able to move, unassisted, so why are the bright bulbs at Ferrari giving him a $350,000 (dead presidents) special edition race car? The Dirt Kisser can't move under his own power and you want to put him behind the wheel of a Ferrari! What the hell are they smoking in Italy?

What Goes Up
Remember that NASA satellite that did a high-G header into the Utah desert, a few weeks ago? The preliminary accident report from NASA engineers fixes the blame for the satellite's hard landing on gravity switches - the key element in deploying the braking chute - that were installed...backwards. "D'oh" sums up NASA's attitude perfectly.

NASA management might take some solace from the thrilling news that their antics made them a slam dunk for a high slot on this year's Golden D'oh Top Ten.

Pesky Varmints
A large prairie dog colony thrilled Sante Fe (New Mexico) hacks spitless when the critters invaded 'a cemetary full of historic skeletons' (Washington Times). Obligated, by law, to humanely relocated the critters, city hacks are in a class Catch-22 dilemma. They can't kill the varmints, but they don't have the money or manpower to move the little buggers.

If you've got a nifty, non-lethal, notion about evicting the pests, contact Sante Fe city hall, stat. This is not a drill.

A Golden D'oh Contender
Source: Boston Herald [10/15]

Bad:
Accidently handcuffing yourself, without a friend or key to release you.

Worse:
When you call the cops for help, someone in police headquarters remembers an outstanding arrest warrant for your sorry ass.

D'Oh:
When you go out to greet the cops, they cart you off to the local graybar hotel, instead of liberating you.

And how was the rest of your day, brain-dead and busted Sparky?

A Real 'Live' Wire
Source: Pagan Scribbler News Wire [10/15]

A Hawaiian desperado tried for the coveted - but rarely achieved - golden d'oh-gene pool improvement double, when he attempted to steal some copper cable from Maui Electric Co. It all went swimmingly, up to a point, after which our hero's plan went "snap, crackle, pop and zap". Our hero bagged that once-in-a-lifetime thrill, the moment he tried to cut through an alive and kicking, 12,000 volt power distribution line.

'...The suspect, who knocked out power to 1,600 homes and business in West Maui for about an hour, crawled to a service station after he was shocked, Maui police said. "When an officer arrived at the station, he noticed the man was severely burned. He could smell burned skin and hair, and noticed the man's upper torso was burned and his hair was singed," Capt. Charles Hirata said...' (AP)

Based on this epic, we're obligated to give credence to that timeless axiom about Old Ka-Boom's inexplicable affection for fools and drunks. That should be very comforting to certain PIG readers...and we both know who you are.

Try, Try Again
Source: Pagan Scribbler News Wire [10/08]

Spotting a car weaving down the road, Swedish cops pulled the driver over, inhaled deeply, and, instantly, concluded that the 53-year old dude behind the wheel was potted. After giving our hero a ride to the police station, the cops administered a sobriety test - he flunked, big time - fined him, then put him in a cab to go home and sleep it off. The story might end there, but our hero had a better idea.

Instead of going home as ordered, our crocked Swedish motorist, returned to the scene of his DUI crime, used his spare key to get in his car, then resumed his drive home. Swedish cops spotted him - yes, again - and gave chase. Determined to avoid another ride to the police station, the drunk tried to get away - I'm guessing he used up his spare car key supply - and managed to flip his ride into a conveniently located ditch. This time, his free ride was an ambulance, but he's destined for another police station visit, as soon as he's well enough. That works for me.

NOVEMBER 2004

Rustic Humor Backfires
Source: Omaha World-Herald [11/30]

A Cornhusker wingnut decided to give mom a thrill when he visited the gas station where she worked and joked about having a gun. Mom laughed it off, but a customer who overheard the mother-son repartee got so alarmed he called the local cops. When cops arrived on the scene a few minutes later, they found mister one-liner and a pal seated in a car outside the gas station. In a heartbeat, the joke was on mommy's baby boy:

'...Officers detected the smell of marijuana coming from the car. A search turned up a quarter pound of marijuana and $603. The men were arrested for drug possession...' (World-Herald)

Already a laugh a minute, this epic gets better, because mommy's baby boy is out on parole and a drug possession charge could send his sorry ass back to the big house. I can live with that.

Tough Love In Jersey
Source: CNN [11/27]

When a 16 year old New Jersey wenchlet arrived home "drunk and unruly", papa Kevin decided to teach her a lesson by ratting her out to the cops. His plan - such as it was - went out the window when baby girl decided that two could play that game:

'...The girl led officers to a crawl space above the ceiling where they found four semiautomatic guns and more than 600 vials of cocaine...' (CNN)

This touching father-daughter bonding landed papa in the slammer - on drug charges - and got our boozing heroine and her sisters new digs "with a relative". You'll need to excuse me, because I always puddle up over these happy endings. [Sniffle...Sniffle]

That Sinking Feeling
Source: Houston Chronicle [11/27]

A Mexas woman who can't take a hint took a long hard look at the temporary barrier blocking the road and knew exactly what to do. Instead of avoiding the unknown trouble that lay ahead, she circumvented the barrier and drove her ride into the sink hole that awaited her a few feet ahead. Stupidity comes packaged with its own reward, even in a reality-challenged state-of-mind like Mexas.

Although our human crash dummy's plight is self-inflicted and she emerged unharmed, I'm betting that this myopic Mexas mutant will be lawyered up in a heartbeat so she can sue the city. We are, as ususal, profoundly unamused.

Norwegian Nitwit
Source: Aftenposten [11/26]

A Norwegian desperado made life easy for the local men in blue when he managed to get trapped in a pawn shop's doorway. It all went wrong the minute he smashed a window, setting off an alarm and prompting a security gate to come crashing down behind him. With nowhere to go and no way to escape, he remained on display until the police arrived to extricate him. Whatever our hero said when that security gate imprisoned him, it had to be a lot more colorful that Homer's all purpose "D'oh".

Dumb, Dumber and Dumbest Down Under
Source: Reuters [11/22]

Diners in an Aussie seafood eatery, didn't miss a mouthful while they watched an intellectually-challenged, desperado trio try to push open the restaurant's sliding glass door. When the 'industrial strength' glass resisted their pathetic attempts to push through it, the dim-witted trio ran off, empty handed.

Proving that, like their Amerika counterparts, cops down under are masters of understatement, police investigator Jamie Williams opined: "They're probably more dangerous because they're dumb" (Reuters). No argument, but I'm guessing that they pose a greater danger to themselves than their intended victims. Dumber than a box of rocks? You better believe it, Waltzing Matilda Sparky.

A Brit Desperado Adventure
Source: This Is London [11/21]

A Brit desperado trio got a warm reception when they invaded a Brit capitalist outpost, 'Cellhealth'. Whatever their caper entailed, it didn't anticipate the fun fact that the resident capitalist, a 58-year old dude name Lewis Montague, would be rigged out in his samurai gear, including 'wooden, but lifelike, samurai sword'.

The caper unraveled in a heartbeat, the instant the dastardly trio broke down Cellheath's door. Our Brit samurai describes the ensuing events this way:

"My girlfriend, Julie, was in the kitchen and I said I think there's somebody outside. The next thing I knew the glass was smashed in. I told Julie to ring the police. I pulled up the blind and there were three men standing on the other side with metal implements in their hands and we're facing each other. One of them was just a foot away. The shout was instinctive and the look on their faces was unbelievable. I'm not sure if it was surprise, terror or fright. "I ran after them, I jumped the gate, still with my sword and I was still shouting. I've never seen so much smoke coming from tyres before." (This Is London)

This gives a whole new meaning to the venerable term: "scared straight". Kudos to our Brit samurai for teaching these Brit desperados the errors of their ways. Lewis Montague, you are the man!

Human Gene Pool Improvement Daily Double
Source: Pagan Scribbler News Wire [11/18]

I'm thrilled to report that two Mexifornia retards achieved room temperature this week, in unrelated incidents.

The Fatal Hotfoot Caper
A Mexifornia mutant went out - literally - in a blaze of glory, after he tried to warm up by sticking his booted feet in the oven. He got warmed up with a vengeance when his boot caught fire, torching his clothes in the process. From there, his day when to hell in a handbasket, big damn time:

'...The man then ran outside, fell on a pile of broken bottles, got up and tried to run again before collapsing and dying in the back yard, [Lt. George Matin, Placerville County sheriff's department said]...' (Sacramento Bee)

Label this epic "Excruciating Exit Strategy" on your human gene pool improvement scorecard.

The Roach Coach Robbery Caper
The big heist - knocking over a catering truck at gunpoint - went flawlessly for two Mexifornia desperados, but the daring getaway had one pesky little hiccup. One cretin, Abran Godoy, managed - somehow - to shoot himself in the leg, during his dash for desperado daylight.

Verifying the "no honor among thieves" axiom, the second desperado didn't try to help when a fatally-wounded Abran hit the deck with a resounding 'thud'. I'm pleased to report that, less that an hour later, Abran achieved room temperature in a local King City hospital. At 20, it's very likely that Abran didn't have time to taint the human gene pool with his stupidy-laced DNA.

Abran's accomplice continues to elude capture. No doubt he's living large on the roach coach boodle: a paltry $40 in dead presidents. Does dying for $40 make Abran dumber than a box of rocks? You better believe it, self inflicted wound Sparky.

Loser Of The Week
Source: Chicago Sun-Times [11/15]

A pathetic, alleged dude went off the deep end after his bride, Lupe, traded "up" for a firefigher named Lee Bauman, so the spurned hubby dredged up a legal anachronism to exact retribution from Lupe's new man. "Alienation of affection" is a relic from centuries past...those - allegedly - glorious, men are men but you're not, women as property days. Any rational adult could tell Steven Cyl that he doesn't need to seek shyster help, because the real reason Lupe sought greener pastures is as close as the nearest mirror. Dude, if you were delivering the goods - in all departments - she wouldn't go out looking for a new dude. Get over it dude. She's gone and she won't be coming back.

Afterthought
How would it feel to be 44 year old Stevie? How would you feel in his place, knowing that 48-year-old Lupe dumped you for a vintage rogue. How vintage you ask? Try a 61-year-old, recently divorced dude who lives in mommy's basement. It must really suck to be you, Stevie boy.

Flatliner Follies
Source: Pagan Scribbler News Wire [11/11]

Money To Burn
After imbibing adult beverage during an evening on the town, a Norwegian dude arrived home, felt cold, then started a blaze in the fireplace with some paper he found lying on the floor. He sobered up in a tick, the instant he realized that he just inadvertently torched 15,000 kroner ($2,400 in dead presidents). How do they say "D'oh" in Norwegian?

Explosive High
Busy inhaling propane in the family van, a Buckeye State woman named Tammy Rohrig didn't mind, that much when hubby Donald came to find her. In retrospect, she isn't thrilled spitless that hubby Donald joined her in the van puffing on a lit cancer stick. By all reports, the ensuing explosion that 'ripped the top off the van' was spectacular. Miraculously, the extra crispy couple survived the explosive culmination of Tammy's propane huffing.

Question: Is stupidity a crime in Ohio? Enquiring minds are curious on this one.

The F.D.'s Shiney New Toy
What's red, cost $44,500 and is too big for the existing fire station? If you live in Livingston (Talibanma), the answer is Livingston F.D.'s soon to be delivered 75 foot ladder/pumper truck. Holy leave it out in the rain, Batman! Fear not, civic-minded readers, Livingston's city hacks have it under control. For a mere $39,000 more the city's taxpayers get a new building large enough to hose the beast. And here you were worrying needlessly.

Flatliner News
Source: Pagan Scribbler News Wire [11/08]

Life In The Fast Lane
A Nevada flatliner got a painful reality check while "car surfing" - standing on the hood of a moving car - while his wife drove the car through Las Vegas. This daredevil reaffirmed several scientific principles - including momentum - when his bride hit the brakes unexpectedly. Although the car stopped, our car surfing asshat, Ralph Brooks, kept on going, until the ground broke his fall, plus assorted other things. Big fun.

The Fox boob tube dolts who reported this story served up a cosmic "Well, Duh" when they opined that 'Alcohol is thought to be a factor in the accident' (AP). No shit, Sherlock.

Turned Away In Albany
When an Albany (NY) bank robber saw his mug shot on the evening newscast, he decided to do the right thing and turn himself in to the cops. Imagine his shock when the men in blue at an Albany police station told him, in essence, "We're too busy to arrest you, today; try again, tomorrow." Believe it or not, the bank robber did just that, but he had the presence of mind to choose a different police station.

Albany's P.D. insists that it's "investigating", the incident. Hopefully, they'll handle that better than they did the bank robber's voluntary surrender. Am I the only one smelling a "whitewash" in the making? I doubt it.

Peach State Peabrain
Source: AP [11/05]

The bank heist went swimmingly for Georgia desperado Michael Donald Marshall, except for one pesky detail. He entered. He brandished his gun. He demanded money from bank employees. So far so good, but that's as far as his plan got. Pointing to the construction crew working throughout the bank, a teller laid grim reality on our hero: the bank isn't open for business, shit for brains; we won't have money here until construction is finished. Empty handed - it, conveniently, matches the condition of his brain: empty - our hero got nabbed by the men in blue on his way out the door. Book 'em, Dano.

Afterthought

How in the hell did a dude this stupid survive for 39 years? Enquiring minds want to know why Mother Nature hasn't punched his room temperature transition ticket.

A Golden D'Oh Contender
Source: Ananova [11/03]

A Brit desperado did his best to make it easy to catch him. During a burglary, he managed to drop his keys - the keys that had his mug shot on the fob - at the crime scene. I'm guessing that this is proof positive that even Brit criminals are more polite...more accommodating...than their violence-prone Yank counterparts. Despite his cooperation, our hero will spend the next three years in a Brit graybar. No good deed goes unpunished? You better believe it, brain-dead Brit desperado Sparky.

Flatliners...Near and Far
Source: Pagan Scribbler News Wire [11/02]

Item: Letting It All Hang Out
A New Hampshire hormone gorilla verified numerous scientific laws when - while seated on a moving car's window ledge - he kept moving after the car slammed into a guardrail. Holy thrown out of the car, Batman! Why, you ask, was this fool sitting on the car's window ledge? He was 'trying to throw a CD' (Manchester Union-Leader). Given what passes for music these days, I appreciate his antics, but not his method...or his timing.

Other than some superficial wear and tear, this window perching music critic is okey dokey, but the CD's fate is unknown. If, like this pagan, you wonder which CD prompted this adventure in applied science, join the club. For now, it remains another of life's little mysteries.

Was this walking hormone testing the limits of New Hampshire's motto: Live free or die? I don't know, but stranger things have happened.

Item: Proselytizing To Panthera leo
A Taiwanese Cross Cultist jumped into the Taipei Zoo's lion den, blithering, "Jesus will save you. Come bite me" and, narrowly, escaped becoming lion chow. This intellectually-flatlining true believer's 'salvation' stems from the fact that the lions were sleeping off a hearty meal that zoo workers served up earlier in the day. Rather than down this true believer morsel as an after dinner snack, the lions let the fool off easily, after chomping on his leg.

This is what happens to true believers surrender their synapses at the Toll Booth door. You heard it here, first.

DECEMBER 2004

Things That Go Bump
Source: The Telegraph (River Bend, Wisconsin) [12/29]

An unidentified Wisconsin wench inspired two cheeseheads to perpetrate a two-car demolition derby in the parking lot next to Godfrey's (Wisconsin) C & W Auto Glass. Although both cheeseheads are cited by the cops, Charles Bonney (age 63) is the one who started things when he spotted Victor Harris's (age 38) ride leaving his (Bonney's) driveway. That's when Chucky Emerilized this epic, to the max, by following his arch rival to the aforementioned parking lot. From that point, events careened out of control:

'...Witnesses saw Bonney ram his black Chevrolet Camaro into Harris’ white Acura Integra three times, and they saw Harris ram Bonney back two times...Bonney was charged Tuesday in Madison County Circuit Court with felony criminal damage to property and Harris with driving on a suspended license...' (The Telegraph)

Those are the bare facts, but one vital factoid is curiously missing from this news item. Due to criminally shoddy journalism, this cheesehead fishwrap didn't name, describe, or display photos of the enchantress who inspires such destructive devotion. If you have any relevant facts about this cheesehead hottie, share the joy. This is not a drill.

A Golden D'oh Contender
Source: Pagan Scribbler News Wire [12/28]

When a congenital moron named Floyd Elliot reported an assault by two Independence (Missouri) hate criminals, the relevant men in blue were understandably suspicious. Floyd's claim that these dastardly hate punks carved the word "FAG" into his head and chest didn't pass the cop's smell test, because certain details raised some, pesky questions.

For starters, the word "FAG" on his forehead was spelled backwards - it read "GAF" - as if done in a mirror. Is "GAF" hate speech in the Show Me State? Enquiring minds want to know.

A Weather-Challenged Desperado
Source: Brownsville Herald (Mexas) [12/28]

A Mexas desperado got a crash course in real winter crime experience when he decided to knock over a local funeral home, right after Brownsville got its first snow storm in 109 years. Alert "all weather" police professionals used the prevailing conditions to track this desperado to his lair:

'...police followed a series of footprints left in the snow from the funeral home to a nearby trailer park. Inside a mobile home, police say they found [Jose Guadalupe] Facundo intoxicated on gold spray paint with the funeral home’s stolen electronic and stereo equipment in plain sight...' (Herald)

When you log this epic on your dim-witted desperado scorecard, put Mother Nature down for a well-deserved assist.

Try, Try Again
Source: Pagan Scribbler News Wire [12/25]

A Minnesota wench who got caught deploying fake charity donations boxes in local stores celebrated her release from jail by doing 'it' all over again. Within hours of her release, our heroine was up to her old tricks.

'...the woman was shown on surveillance video from a Fridley [Minnesota] store — trying to drop off a new donation box and collect an old one. The clerk recognized her from television news reports and called the police....' (Minnesota Boob Tube report)

There are times - this being such an occasion - when the venerable adage that urges "try, try again" isn't the niftiest notion in the known universe. Book her, Dano.

A Hapless Hoosier Desperado
Source: NBC (Cincinnati Boob Tube) [12/24]

An Indiana desperado's caper started out bad and went downhill from there, when he decided to knock over a certain convenience store. We know this because the men in blue were watching his antics, since he perpetrated this farce across the street from Lake Station's (Indiana) police H.Q.

The caper started well enough, when our hero entered the store, strong-armed $50 from a lottery machine then ripped off 3 cartons of smokes for good measure. Reality took a chomp from his desperado butt when he discovered that he locked the keys to his ride inside the getaway car. From there, events careened out of control:

'...he went back and grabbed a broom to smash a car window. He then allegedly led police on a brief chase over snowy streets and hit a police car head-on, getting stuck in a ditch. Officers say he was arrested after trying to run away...' (NBC)

Luckily, our dim-witted desperado has ample time to consider his career options, while he's a guest in the Lake Station gray bar hotel. I'd suggest the usual fast food window career path but this terminally dim bulb probably couldn't handle a challenging concept like "Do you want fries with that?"

A Suspicious Accident
Source: Cincinnati Enquirer [12/21]

A Kentucky motorist claims it was mere chance that his SUV jumped a curb in front of his domicile, plowed through his front yard, hit his girlfriend's ex-husband and pinned the dude against a parked car. Citing an icy street, Steve Jordan dished up a hard to believe "Oops, my mistake", but the proper authorities are understandably skeptical.

While Steve tries to elude a first degree assault conviction, some-damn-body might take the time to answer the burning question: what in blue Kentucky blazes was his girl friend's ex doing at Steve's house while our hero was out? That's right, loyal readers, it's Enquiring Minds time again, in the pagan scribbler bunker.

Stupid Sushi Slammer Criminal Tricks
Source: Mainichi Daily [12/19]

This rising sun fishwrap served up the dumbest Sushi Slammer desperados from their 2004 archives. The following items were deemed newsworthy by the infamous PIG news staff:

'...A knucklehead from Nagasaki went to the cops to get back a knapsack he'd left at the scene of his heist...'

'...a goofy gunman packing a shotgun went straight to the cops when he lost his way looking to track down a Tokyo loanshark...'

'...A Kagoshima crook slipped up when went back to the home of a woman whose knickers he had earlier nicked because he left his slippers there...'

'...[a] Tokyo bandit saved crimefighters a load of trouble when he shot himself on the way to bungling a raid brought on by a desperate need to finance his botched brothel business...'

'...an old man in Tottori prefecture did his best to show that crooks always return to the scene of their crimes (well, that's what they say in the old cartoons at least), when he did over a pachinko parlor one day and then went back to play at the same place the following day...' (Mainichi Daily)

At news time, PIG is searching high and low for homegrown, intellectually-challenged desperados to match this pace-setting Sushi Slammer dolts, but it's a daunting task that will take some time. Stay tuned...

A Tennessee Desperado Adventure
Source: Monterey Herald (Mexifornia) [12/16]

A Tennessee desperado might want to consider a crash test dummy career path, based on his last night on the town:

His adventure begins when he knocks over a local super market in Athens, Tennessee.

He and his cohort ripped off a Ford Bronco then played car chase with the men in blue, until they plowed the stolen ride into a fence.

During the ensuing foot pursuit, his accomplice got tasered, allowing our hero to rip off an unattended cop car.

He took off in the week old police cruiser, but didn't get away clean because he crashed his new ride into a conveniently located ditch.

Tuckered from his action-packed adventure, he broke into a nearby house, then passed out, giving the home's occupant ample time to summon the cops.

And how was your day?

Golden D'oh Nominees
Source: Pagan Scribbler News Wire [12/15]

Domestic Nominee #1
A Nezperce (Idaho) lowlife who decided that the quiet neighborhood made an ideal locale for his drug deal, tempted fate once too often when he conducted his transaction in front of the domicile inhabited by the city's new police chief. The moment this lowlife and his customer spotted the new chief watching them from his front porch they told him to "look the other way". Alas, this well-intentioned advice didn't work out as planned.

Although the chief wasn't sworn in, yet, he jotted down the two dipsticks' license numbers, and transmitted it the men in blue. That fast the drug dealer is slammer bait and he's up to speed on a venerable truism: some days, it just doesn't pay to get out of bed.

Domestic Nominee #2
Someone "up there" has a warm spot for a La Mesa (Mexifornia) Toll Booth music director, Nathan Robinson. After some lowlife stole the Toll Booth's electronic piano and soundboard, he went to a local capitalist emporium to replace them. That's when the celestial forces stepped in to Emerilize his shopping trip:

'..."It was 'Twilight Zone'-y" Robinson said. "A guy walked through the door holding our equipment." As the fellow negotiated with a clerk, Robinson alerted the store's management to the theft. While awaiting police, an employee tested the keyboard and detained the seller...' (AP)

The thief ran off when the cops arrived, leaving the Toll Booth's keyboard, soundboard, and his driver's license behind. It sounds like Old Ka-Boom had Nathan Robinson's back, on this one. Go figure.

International Nominee
A Costa Rican intellectual flatliner decided it would be great fun to put on an Osama bin Laden mask, carry his pellet rifle and scare the snot out of whomever, by jumping out when they approached. It all went swimmingly, until he tried it on taxi driver Juan Pablo Sandoval:

'...when [our hero, Leonel Arias] jumped out in front of taxi driver Juan Pablo Sandoval, the motorist reached for a gun and shot him twice in the stomach...' (AP)

Our hero survived, but it's a slam dunk that he won't try that crap again, until his wounds heal. File this under 'any minute now' on your human gene pool improvement scorecard.

Stupid Criminal Tricks
Source: Detroit Free Press [12/12]

The bank heist went as planned, including the escape, but it all unraveled thanks to the tattletale information contained on the holdup note that the desperado, accidently, left at the crime scene. Apparently, a Bangor Township (Michigan) denizen, Michael Pascuzzo, slept through Desperado 101, or he'd know better than use any paper containing his real name as a holdup note.

'...The note was written on the back of a piece of a 14-day notice from Saginaw County Circuit Court regarding overdue fines stemming from a citation for expired license plates that was issued on Oct. 11 to a "Michael A. Pascuz ..." -- the rest of the name was torn off, authorities said...' (Free Press)

Faster than a warp speed 'D'oh', our hero is slammer bait, but his shyster is trying to cut a deal. I'm betting the centerpiece of any plea bargain will be the fun fact that this cretin is too dumb to be a meaningful menace to society. Book 'em, Dano, stupidity in the first degree.

Florida Flat-Liner Adventure
Source: Local 10 (Florida Boob Tube) [12/08]

A South Florida motorist swears he didn't notice the man sprawled on the hood of his ride after he 'plowed into a mortorcylist', Tuesday night. Despite the fun fact that the man on his hood kept screaming for him to stop, our Florida pinhead kept on going, successfully fleeing the scene of his crime, temporarily, after his unexpected passenger jumped off onto the ground.

His freedom was short-lived, because his victim managed to jot down the driver's license plate number before the pinhead disappeared into the night. The local authorities tracked down this myopic dolt, Scott Eisenberg, and threw the damn book at him: leaving the scene of an accident involving damage, failure to report an accident, failure to leave information, careless driving, driving without insurance. Eisenberg is also on the hook for his victim's ride, an $85,000 motorcycle.

At press time, this myopic pinhead still swears that he never saw the man lying on his hood and screaming at him. Unsafe at any speed? You better believe it, blind as a bat, Florida voter Sparky.

Ending It All
Source: Chillicothe Gazette (Ohio) [12/07]

Determined to end it all, a despondent Buckeye dude named Mark Morris flooded his house with natural gas and awaited sweet oblivion. For reasons this Buckeye fishwrap didn't explain, a stray synapse fired and he considered the damage such an explosion might inflict on his neighbors. Suitably alarmed, he headed for the basement to turn off the circuit breaker. That's when certain immutable scientific laws caught up with him. The ensuing explosion 'leveled' his domicle, left him extra crispy, but didn't inflict that eagerly anticipated room temperature transition.

'..."It was something to see once we got there," [Assistant Police Chief Steve] Barnes said of the damage the blast inflicted on the neighborhood. "There was a large piece of it in the street, in the back yard, leaning against other houses and small pieces were scattered around the neighborhood."...' (Chillicothe Gazette)

While our hero is in the hospital getting his burns treated, a trained medical professional should take a gander at this dipstick's alleged brain, because, according to the paper, this isn't the first time this loser tried - and failed - to off himself.

'...Morris also tried to kill himself Nov. 5 by carbon monoxide poisoning. He allegedly taped one end of a garden hose to his tailpipe and placed another in his passenger side window. However, after several hours the vehicle ran out of gas. He then tried to use a small propane tank, but that also ran out of gas...' (Gazette)

Obviously this bright bulb is more dangerous to his neighbors than he is too himself, since he'll keep trying to off himself until somebody dies. If a room temperature transition is what Mark really wants, I'm sure that can be arranged. If you live in, or near, Chillicothe, and are riddle with altruism, drop by what's left of Mark's abode and put him out of his misery. My lovely bride's all purpose solution "just shoot the bastard" works just fine, in this instance.

Afterthoughts
Mark's primary problem seems to be his inability to cope with gas as the fast track to oblivion. I'd suggest that he use sleeping pills, but that can be much too complicated for an intellectual flat-liner like our hero. All things considered, enlisting a volunteer to drop by and shoot him seems like the best possible solution.

Another Ford Submersible
Source: Fairbanks Daily News-Miner (Alaska) [12/05]

From our guy's gotta do what a guy's gotta do desk, we find this epic about a hungry Alaskan dude named Earl Voorhis who wanted nosh so majorly, that his impatience prompted him to drive across the frozen Chen River in his zeal to get some sustenance. If you don't see where this story is headed, you're in a coma.

'...About 20 feet onto the ice, Voorhis' 1994 Ford F-350 pickup broke through and sank up to its headlights in the Chena. He wasn't hurt and was able to scramble onto the roof of his truck cab, walk across the truck's hood, hop off, cross the ice and walk up the snow-covered riverbank to the Princess Hotel, where he reported the incident at about 12:45 p.m. Friday...' (News-Miner)

The good news was that his ride wasn't going anywhere while it stayed trapped in the ice. The bad news was that he left his lights on when he left his ride mid-river. In addition to a new battery, our hero will be paying big bucks to the tow truck operator who hauled his ride onto dry land. Dan Krykowski, who owns Ben's Auto warned "It ain't gonna be cheap", but refrained, for the moment, from setting a price for his river rescue. Next time, fix a sandwich, dude. It's gotta be a lot cheaper and less action packed.

Do You Have Zee Bomb?
Source: Fox News [12/04]

The training exercise seemed simple enough that even the Surrender Monkeys couldn't screw it up, until the practice bomb - real, no-shit explosives - that they put in a randomly selected passenger's bag came up missing. If you were in Paris Friday evening, and find 5 ounces of plastic explosives among your souvenirs, the Surrender Monkey cops would love to hear from you. They, really, really, really would love to hear from you.

How, you ask, did the Surrender Monkey's manage this world-class brainfart?

'...a "momentary lack of surveillance" led to the bag being lost on a conveyor belt carrying luggage from check-in to planes [police spokespunk Pierre Bouqin] said. Authorities immediately alerted the relevant airlines that one of between 80 and 90 planes that left the French capital from 5:30 p.m. to 7 p.m. Friday could be carrying the explosives...' (Fox)

Although voting won't start for another month, this year's Golden D'oh sweepstakes appears to be a landslide for the Surrender Monkey nitwits who lost zee bomb. It's glass half full time in the Surrender Monkey homeland.

Dumber Than A Box Of Rocks
Source: The News Herald (Panama City, Florida) [12/04]

Two Florida bright bulbs called the cops when they returned home and discovered that some dastardly thief made off with their pot stash. Unwilling to tolerate this assault on their property, the pair reached for the phone and told the local men in blue all about it.. That's right, true crime fans, these nitwits called the cops and reported that their pot was MIA.

'...Police said the couple told them they were going to resell the marijuana and allowed the detectives to search the apartment. Investigators discovered several marijuana stems among other drug paraphernalia during the search...' (News Herald)

Bay County Sheriff's deputies were a bit hasty, in this pagan scribbler's opinion, when they dubbed the pair "America's dumbest criminals". They'd know better, if they read PIG regularly. The subjects of this epic aren't even in the dumbest criminal top ten, but I'm willing to give them an 'honorable mention'.

Domestic Dumbass 101
Source: Reuters [12/01]

A rain-soaked, intellectual flatliner staged a miniature re-enactment of Mt. St. Helen's pyrotechnics when he double-parked his lava lamp on a hot stove. The stove fulfilled it's primary function by heating up the lava lamp until...

'..."There appeared to have been an explosion that was centered on the stove top. There were glass fragments all over, embedded in the walls," said Paul Petersen, a Kent police spokesman..." (Reuters)

The lava lamp's ensuing dynamic reconfiguration bestowed a room temperature transition when a glass shard embedded itself in this bright bulb's heart. If these antics are an example of our room temperature hero's critical thinking, we're compelled to confer human gene pool improvement status on his untimely demise. So be it.

Afterthoughts
The burning question remains unanswered: What, exactly, did this wingnut hope to accomplish by 'cooking' his lava lamp? Am I the only one suspecting that adult beverages or 'mind altering' substances were involved? I doubt it.

International Dumbass 101
Source: Ananova [12/01]

Billed as "Britain's Dumbest Criminal", a Brit desperado left a trail of blatant clues that your local toddler could follow. If getting caught topped this Brit dolt's to do list, he virtually guaranteed it by spreading these helping hints:

Hint 1:
He, conveniently, left his cell phone behind, making the job of finding him a slam-dunk, due to the pictures it contained of him with his bride.

Hint 2:
He used his own, legally registered, ride in the getaway.

This intellectually-challenged menace to society has ample time to practice for his "Do you want chips with that?" career now that he's an honored guest in the local graybar. Dumber than a box of rocks? You better believe it, dim bulb desperado Sparky.

2003

It Seemed Like A Good Idea
Source: Des Moines Register

When police stopped a 20-year-old Iowa wench for a driving infraction, she made a hasty decision that she soon regretted. Driving on a suspended license, she gave the cops a false name...her sister's name. What she didn't know, but soon discovered, is that driving on a suspended license, uh, runs in the family. That's right, her sister has been there, done that...too.

Now, in addition to 'driving on a suspended license' she faces charges for lying to the cops, plus driving without insurance. Next time...call a cab, babe. You heard it here, first.

Requiem For Lone Star Desperado
Source: Houston Chronicle

Adopting a criminal avocation in Mexas is no shit a 'do you feel lucky' gig, given the state's generous to a fault gun ownership laws. A Houston desperado discovered that the hard way while attempting to burglarize a car. Spotted by an alert citizen, Hector Faz was ordered to leave, advice he choose to ignore...his first mistake. The next sound Hector heard - a gunshot - nailed him in the butt with a well-aimed bullet. Suitably motivated, Hector finally decided to seek ill-gotten gains elsewhere, leading us to our Paul Harvey Moment:

...Faz then jumped into his own car and drove two blocks down the street before crashing into a residence, police said...' (Chronicle)

When a high velocity bullet enters your body from behind, it, invariably seeks an exit out the front. The bullet in question sought freedom via Hector's 'upper groin', rendering him room temperature in the process. Human gene pool improvement? Oh hell yes, and not a moment too soon.

Afterthoughts
Houston PD has no clue who used our room temperature hero for target practice, nor do they seem especially motivated to track down this sharpshooter. I can live with that.

Crime and Punishment, Arizona Style
Source: Arizona Daily Star (Tucson)

An Arizona lowlife viewed the woman collecting money for the Salvation Army as an easy target, but things are never as simple as they seem. The snatch part worked as expected, since the 60 year old, cerebral palsy plagued woman couldn't stop him from taking her bucket. The lowlife's reality check happened during the dash to freedom part of his repulsive caper:

'...He started to run across 29th Street, where he was struck by a 1997 Honda sedan. Police captured Edward Sanders, 40, after the collision...' (Daily Star)

This asshat has a long, colorful criminal record, so he might view spending the holidays in the gray bar as a holiday visit with old friends. Personally, I favor shooting the bastard, but that response is only valid in Texas. Alas, it's an imperfect world, that way.

Criminal Stupidity - New York Style
Source: Newsday

Empire State desperado, Shalom Gelbman - in addition to packing an asinine name - is an embarrassment to the criminal brotherhood. Impersonating a cop, he used a strobe light to pull over a car, but his victim selection reeks, big damn time. Pulling over an off-duty state trooper is so stupid it's not even covered in remedial desperado 101.

Shalom's rap sheet now includes reckless endangerment, criminal impersonation, unauthorized gear in his ride, driving without a registration, and driving without insurance. Shalom, dude, crime is not your best career choice. You heard it here, first.

Busy Hands Are A Hack's Downfall
Source: The Morning Call (Pennsylvania)

Monroe County District Attorney, Mark Pazuhanich, had everything going his way, or so he thought, after winning a hotly contested election to become the county's sixth judge. For reasons not made clear in this fishwrap spew, Mark attended a teenage pop star concert with a 10 year old wenchlet. Feeling frisky, he plummeted from judge-elect to 'the accused' thanks to his peculiar hot-handed antics.

'...[a security guard working the concert] , Anthony Choman, told police he saw Pazuhanich touching the girl during the concert. A woman in the audience, Kelly Geiger, also told police Pazuhanich groped the girl. The girl, who was questioned that night by Detective Deborah Van Horn, said Pazuhanich had been ''acting strange'' and kept tickling her throughout the concert, even though she told him to stop. She also said he groped her...' (The Morning Call)

Lacking the nads to take the well deserved heat, Mark booby-hatched himself in a rehabilitation clinic - I'm guessing drugs or booze - claiming 'stress'. His shyster claims that Mark didn't go there to let the furor run its course before showing his face in public again. Mark - his shyster insists - sought professional help with certain personal...issues. Is this clown's public service career over? It should be, but I seriously doubt it. He'll weasel his way out of it and the local electorate will probably let him.

Mark, dude, if you want to get through this unscathed, 'find god'. If 'I have sinned against you, my lord' rescued Jimmy Swaggart, it's a slam dunk to liberate your perverted, child groping butt.

Crime and Punishment in Colorado
Source: Denver Post

Colorado's dumbest crook is, finally, the state's graybar hotel guest, but why the cops didn't catch him sooner is a compelling mystery...under the circumstances. His legendary forgetfulness, his talent for leaving behind tattletale clues like breadcrumbs should have made him slammer bait, much, much earlier.

Clue 1
'...[Absent minded desperado James] Lee left his cell phone on the counter during a Dec. 7 robbery of Blockbuster video, 7456 S. Simms St.

Clue 2
'...Lee also gave his name and date of birth to the Blockbuster clerks when he could not produce his video rental card...'

Clue 3
'...Lee also forgot his driver's license during a holdup of an Aurora check-cashing store...'

Clue 4
'...Before he allegedly held up an Adams County liquor store, Lee was refused permission to use the restroom. When he said his father owned the building, the clerk relented...'

[Fun fact: Lee's daddy does own the building and must be proud, and then some, of his legendary son.]

Given his latent need to get caught, our hero should have taken out a full page 'arrest me' ad in the Denver Post, instead. It would be much more efficient. In a blatant glass half full spasm, this pagan scribbler is pleased to inform James that he's much more than a top ten dumbest crooks nominee, he's a overwhelming favorite for that coveted number one dumbest crook slot.

Empire State Criminal Stupidity
Source: Fox [boob tube news]

The venerable adage advises 'keep it simple stupid', a truism that an Empire State crook named Joshua Harrington took to heart with fascinating results. Drunk on his ass, he couldn't get a liquor store clerk to sell him a bottle of brandy. Unwilling to let this situation stand, our wasted hero grabbed the bottle and made a headlong dash out the door. That's when another venerable truism - watch where you're going - foiled his crude but heretofore effective scheme.

'...Authorities say 22-year-old Joshua Harrington's dash from the downtown store late yesterday afternoon was stopped suddenly when he ran into a utility pole...' (Fox)

Gimme! No! Snatch! Flee! Crunch! Ouch! Gotcha! It works for me, how about you? Too hoarse from laughing, no doubt, the store clerk refused to press charges. So be it.

Those Devilish Details Strike Again
Source: Clarion-Ledger (Jackson, Mississippi)

An escaped prisoner and his freedom-facilitating bride got it right, at first, then let down their guard at the worst possible time, just miles from liberty in sunny Mexico.

What went right
'...Larry Hentz and his wife, Elizabeth, were smart enough to mastermind his escape from prison, drive cross country with stolen license plates and dye their hair...'

Oops
'...What they weren't smart enough to do was use an alias when they checked in a California motel, authorities said Friday. Instead, the wife used her real name...' (Clarion-Ledger)

San Diego's men in blue nabbed the pair at a Motel 6,then offered them free lodging and an all expenses paid flight back to Mississippi. I'm guessing that, next time, Larry will handle motel registration. That sound like a plan, to this pagan scribbler.

True Crime Adventure - Canadian Division
Source: Toronto Star

Two Canadian desperados used a Toronto cab driver as an ATM substitute, replacing the bank card with a loaded gun. The robbery went well, but fate - I'm guessing Mother Nature - intervened during their getaway.

'...police believe [Randy] Robinson and another man robbed the cabbie and then fled the scene, but the handgun accidentally went off when the dead man tried to put the weapon into his pants...' (Star)

Bang! Ouch! Oblivion! I can live with that. Since this punk was a mere 19, it's safe to assume that our human gene pool has been improved. Kudos to Mother Nature for her excellent work in the frozen north.

Payback Is A Bitch
Source: Sacramento Bee

A rapist scumbag finally pressed his luck too far, when he tried his sick, twisted shit with the wrong woman. Adrian Ramirez is a puny 140 pound pervert, but his intended victim is a 275 pound hooker. Unlike Adrian's previous victims, our unlikely heroine wasn't intimidated by Ramirez or his knife.

'...she took his knife, stripped him naked and paraded him in front of other prostitutes, after asking how many of them had ever been forced into sex at knifepoint. Then she tried to take him - still naked - to the police station, reports said...' (Bee)

As heroic as this woman was...and I salute her for bagging this asshat, her actions miss the essential point. Why was this unrepentant rapist out on the streets again? Convicted in 1988 of 4 rapes, this assclown is out already and up to us old tricks? What's wrong with this picture? Every-damn-thing. I say give him back to the hooker and let her give him a sex change with a rusty knife. That's real justice.

Desperado Adventures in Jersey
Source: Daily Journal (Vineland, New Jersey)

A Jersey desperado left some crime perp essentials at home when he went to rob a local store. After lurking in the store, he bagged a candy bar, then went through the motions involved in paying for it. When the store clerk opened the register he brandished his knife, demanding that she hand over the money. Unimpressed, the clerk closed the cash drawer, responding with a non-negotiable "No". He demanded, several more times, without success then no shit started to puddle up, after which he left...empty handed.

Attention desperados: Don't leave your, uh, nads at home when pulling a heist. If a simple 'no' makes you cry, then a heartfelt 'bite me' might give you a heart-attack. You heard it here first.

Bank Robbery Is Hungry Work
Source: Clarion-Ledger

After robbing that local bank, a blase desperado strolled to a nearby fast food outlet for some breakfast. Proving that timing is an essential element in any caper, the desperado got nabbed before his food arrived. The fun fact here is the off-duty cop who just happened to be in the bank when the robbery went down. That's the thrilling tidbit that elevates this epic to Golden D'oh candidate fun and games. Our hungry Mississippi desperado must be thrilled.

The 9mm Crime Stopper
Source: NY Post

Theoretically, brandishing a fake gun during a residential robbery isn't a fatally-flawed concept. But, the best laid criminal plans disintegrate when confronted by grim reality. In this instance, grim reality involved an armed and dangerous homeowner.

'...when the intruder pulled out a fake gun - and the resident responded by shooting him one time in the face with a real 9mm handgun...' (Post)

Ka blam! That easily, reality created a room temperature desperado. This cautionary tale should weed out spineless desperados, thus attenuating the crime rate...should but won't since the liberal, crook-coddling major media outlets never report incidents were a gun is used - successfully - in self defense. The 9mm crime stopper works just fine, for this pagan scribbler.

Stupid Criminal Tricks - Mexas Division
Source: Houston Chronicle

A Lone Star state desperado intent on liberating dead presidents from a Houston fast food purveyor got spooked, initially, when some Houston men in blue stopped in for a quick meal. Returning, a few hours later, he completed the robbery part of this caper without a hitch, but managed to drop a filled out job application on the floor, giving police all the help they needed to track him down.

If you're stupid - and you know it - you'll never be a successful criminal. Tragically, in this case, our desperado just eliminated any likelihood that he can score a 'do you want fries with that' position when he gets out of jail. Life is so unfair that way...My heart bleeds...

Stupid Criminal Tricks - Missouri Division
Source: Kansas City Boob Tube

After a night on the town during which father and son bonded over some adult beverages, daddy cranked up his 62 year-old-brain cells and decided that, rather than walk home, they should liberate some dead presidents and a car from a nearby Pizza Hut. Daddy's plan involved him playing the lookout while his 32-year-old offspring shoved an electric drill with no bit attached under his jacket to give him a 'I'm armed and dangerous' aura when he demanded money and a car. Setting aside the burning question - why were these two carrying a drill around when they're out drinking - we'll move on to the action phase of this true crime adventure.

'...[Sonny boy] told employees he had a gun and demanded cash and a car. The cashier told the would-be crooks they didn't have a car and that the cash was in a locked safe, so the two left and started walking home again. Independence police caught up to them a short time later...'

This epic epitomizes a venerable adage: 'the apple never falls far from the tree'. Both the apple and papa tree could be hanging out together in the gray bar hotel for 15 years, if convicted of second-degree robbery. Dumber than a box of rocks? You better believe it, amateur desperado Sparky.

NOVEMBER 2003

Human Gene Pool Improvement
Source: AP

Did you ever wonder what might happen when you exit your truck carrying a loaded shotgun? Neither did a Hoosier named Charles Brownlee Sr, but he knows the answer, now. Oops, Ka-Blam, oblivion, sums it up nicely.

'...the shotgun he was carrying discharged a deer slug into his head...' (AP)

Police opine that our hero intended to terminate a deer, making this pagan consider the possibility that Mother Nature played a vital, personal role in this room temperature transition. Did she stick out her foot and initiate this gene pool improving adventure? Where, exactly, was Mother Nature at the time?

Human Gene Pool Improvement
Source: Detroit Free Press

A Michigan denizen strayed onto this pagan's human gene pool improvement radar thanks to his curious hunting apparel. It's described as a 'camouflage garment made from burlap', for those who obsess on such pesky details.

'..."[Michael George] attempted to light his pipe, and his suit ignited," Deputy Shane Hasty said...' (Free Press)

Michael's towering inferno impression gave him 'second and third degree burns over 90% of his body', followed by a painful room temperature transition in the hospital. If you're in the boondocks wearing ridiculously flammable clothes, setting yourself on fire, miles from the nearest medical professional is not an idea whose time has come.

Girl Power In South Philly
Source: Philadelphia Daily News

A South Philly pervert spent the past six weeks flashing his 'business' at St. Maria Goretti High School wenchlets, until he got up close and personal with girl powered retribution. His day started routinely, with his little soldier waving at the girls, but life got thrilling for him when a prior victim spotted him. Summoning two friends, Dorothy Kobicko went after the pervert, gathering more wenchlets - 20 in all - along the way.

'...When he ran out of breath from all the running, sitting down at the nearest stoop to catch his breath, "he was like 'what did I do? I did not do anything,' " Kopicko recalled. Her friend Stephanie Kapovic, 15, yelled back " 'Hey you did. You know what you did!' " Kopicko said. "Everyone was telling him 'you know what you did.' " [14-year-old Caitlin] Dalin said she kicked the suspect with her Eastland black school shoes...' (Daily News)

The enraged wenchlets kept the pervert there, showering him with invective, until the cops arrived to offer him civic accommodations. Kudos to these wenchlets for their crime stopping adventure.

Attention Philly Dudes: Girl power rules in South Philly. If you let it all hang out, these alert teenage wenchlets will have you playing Buford's Bitch alongside this Philly pervert. Don't make Dorothy come after you.

True Crime Adventure
Source: MSNBC

A foolishly trusting wench left her Trans-Am running to warm it up, allowing an alert lowlife - 20-year-old Jesse Hildalgo - to drive off with it. Distressed, but still rational, the wench called the cell phone she left in her ride and our hero, Jesse, answered it. He offered to return her ride for a dead presidents infusion, then, after some dickering, settled on $5000 in dead presidents for the car's safe return.

If you can't see where this is heading, shame on you:

'...[Tiffany Johnson and her husband Ryan] arranged to meet [Jesse] at a supermarket parking lot. The Johnsons notified police, and officers were on hand to scoop up the car thief...' (MSNBC)

Jesse, dude, crime isn't your prime gig because you were born without a single functional synapse. If this exemplifies your critical thinking, start practicing this intellectual flat-liner mantra: Do you want fries with that?

True Crime Adventure
Source: NY Post

The venerable adage warns that 'timing is everything', a truism that is especially meaningful to a certain Big Apple pickpocket. His saga begins with him loitering near a N. Y. State lottery claims center. Spotting a likely target, he bull's-eyed a lucky $2,500 winner who just collected his boodle. The daring desperado nailed his quarry in a subway entrance on Wall Street. That fast, he knocked his victim down, grabbed the money then switched to escape mode. The victim shouted for police assistance and got his plea answered big time, leading us to our Paul Harvey Moment:

'...A patrol cop noted the bandit "never had a chance." He explained the robbery attempt took place on Broadway, between Wall Street and Exchange Place, and there were three cops on each corner. Also, the NYPD had anti-terrorist Operation Atlas cops, a Cobra terrorist response team, and a highway patrol unit stationed nearby...' (Post)

Everett Jones, the world's unluckiest desperado might want to contemplate a career change during his gray bar hotel vacation. Crime, in his case, damn sure doesn't pay.

Big Apple Beaning
Source: NY Post

Armed with a .38, the teenage desperado pulled off the food store heist flawlessly, up to a point. Brandishing his gun, he liberated wallets, purses and jewelry from store customers, before going for the store's cash drawer. That's when his caper drove off the rails into desperado ignobility, thanks to a customer and his bottle of adult beverage.

'...When [teenage desperado Prince] Johnson allegedly tried to get the cash from the register, Pineda swung away, striking the teen in the back of the head and breaking the bottle, spraying beer all over. The gunman was stunned, and [bottle-wielding customer Humberto] Pineda grabbed him...' (NY Post)

After Humberto christened the gun-packing teenager, he and he customers 'subdued him', this fishwrap's clever way of reporting that the customers beat the living snot out of the punk. Vigilante justice? You better believe it, gun punk Sparky.


– Compiled by T.D. Treat

© Copyright 1993-2006 PIG - The Politically Incorrect Gazette


 
 
 

HOT LINKS

TONGUETIED

• • • • • • • • • • • • • •
FRONTPAGEMAG
• • • • • • • • • • • • • •
TOWNHALL
• • • • • • • • • • • • • •
LARRYELDER
• • • • • • • • • • • • • •
FARK

• • • • • • • • • • • • • •
STUDENTS FOR
ACADEMIC FREEDOM

• • • • • • • • • • • • • •
CAMPUS NONSENSE
• • • • • • • • • • • • • •
THE FIRE.ORG
• • • • • • • • • • • • • •
ACCURACY IN
ACADEMIA
• • • • • • • • • • • • • •
CHRONICLE.COM

• • • • • • • • • • • • • •
CAPITALIST
MAGAZINE
• • • • • • • • • • • • • •
NATIONALREVIEW
• • • • • • • • • • • • • •
REASON
• • • • • • • • • • • • • •
ADVERSITY
• • • • • • • • • • • • • •
BONDINFO

• • • • • • • • • • • • • •
RESIST DEFAMATION
• • • • • • • • • • • • • •
CHRONICLESMAG
• • • • • • • • • • • • • •
THEBIRDMAN.ORG
• • • • • • • • • • • • • •
RAINBOW PIMP
  COALITION
• • • • • • • • • • • • • •
IWF
• • • • • • • • • • • • • •
OVERLAWYERED

• • • • • • • • • • • • • •
DUMBLAWS

• • • • • • • • • • • • • •
ACCURACY IN MEDIA
• • • • • • • • • • • • • •
FIGHT THE BIAS
• • • • • • • • • • • • • •
MEDIA RESEARCH
• • • • • • • • • • • • • •
DUMB CELEBRITIES
• • • • • • • • • • • • • •
HOLLYWOOD
INVESTIGATOR

• • • • • • • • • • • • • •
EHOWA
• • • • • • • • • • • • • •
FRANCE STINKS
• • • • • • • • • • • • • •
 NEWS DIGEST CONTENTS

HEADLINERS

• • • • • • • • • • • • • •
ONLY IN AMERIKA
• • • • • • • • • • • • • •
BEYOND AMERIKA
• • • • • • • • • • • • • •
VICTIM - 'HOOD

• • • • • • • • • • • • • •
EDUCRAP
• • • • • • • • • • • • • •
KULTURE
• • • • • • • • • • • • • •
NANNY STATE
• • • • • • • • • • • • • •
DUMB CRIMINALS
  FLAT-LINERS

• • • • • • • • • • • • • •
ONLY IN
MEXIFORNIA

• • • • • • • • • • • • • •
MORALITY POLICE
  HOLY ROLLERS

• • • • • • • • • • • • • •
COMMENTARY
• • • • • • • • • • • • • •
ODDS AND ENDS
• • • • • • • • • • • • • •
CLASSICS

• • • • • • • • • • • • • •
ARCHIVES
• • • • • • • • • • • • • •
NEWS LINKS / SITES

FOX NEWS
• • • • • • • • • • • • • •
ANANOVA
• • • • • • • • • • • • • •
FREE REPUBLIC
• • • • • • • • • • • • • •

WORLDNETDAILY
• • • • • • • • • • • • • •
NEWSMAX
• • • • • • • • • • • • • •
DRUDGE REPORT
• • • • • • • • • • • • • •

NY POST

• • • • • • • • • • • • • •
O.C. REGISTER
• • • • • • • • • • • • • •
SAN ANTONIO
LIGHTNING
• • • • • • • • • • • • • •
TEXAS MERCURY
• • • • • • • • • • • • • •
REUTERS
• • • • • • • • • • • • • •

BLOOMBERG
• • • • • • • • • • • • • •
BBC.UK
• • • • • • • • • • • • • •
BOSTON GLOBE
• • • • • • • • • • • • • •
WASHINGTON
TMES
• • • • • • • • • • • • • •
TOMBSTONE
TUMBLEWEED
• • • • • • • • • • • • • •
SACRAMENTO BEE
• • • • • • • • • • • • • •